According To Jim s02e19 Episode Script

Daddy, hurry up! I have to go to the bathroom.
JIM: Why don't you use the one upstairs? Gracie's in there.
I gotta go to the bathroom! JIM: Well, you're gonna have to wait.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE) I gotta go to the bathroom! I gotta go to the bathroom! JIM: Ruby.
I gotta go to the bathroom! I gotta go to the bathroom! Quiet! (LOUDER) I gotta go to the bathroom! I gotta go to the bathroom! Fine, fine, fine.
You know who's gonna love this story? Your prom date.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! (JIM GRUNTS) Oh, that's right.
Jim, what are you doing? Not right now.
I'm in the middle of a turf war! Are you having a snowball fight with the Flynn kids again? Yeah.
They wanted five bucks apiece to shovel the driveway.
When I refused, they attacked me! Then who shoveled the driveway? They did.
Jim, you stiffed them? Stiffed them? Or taught them a valuable life lesson? ANDY: Open the door! Open the door! Open the door! (BOTH GRUNT) Nasty little kids! (PANTING) Where were you? I thought you were right behind me.
Ashley Flynn had me pinned down, so I rolled into a ball for protection.
That's how the armadillos do it.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, man! I'm wet.
Hello? Oh, yes.
Hi.
Hey, you know what'd hit the spot right about now? A steamy mug of hot chocolate.
Marshmallows, whipped cream.
Love ya.
Yeah.
Well, we're out of hot chocolate.
Oh, okay.
On a day like this, Mom always had some ready, but you're not Mom, are you? Wait, you know what? I think we do have hot chocolate.
Really? No.
You are Mom.
All right.
Thank you very much.
Hey, who was that? Oh, nobody.
I just beat out four other contractors for a big job.
Oh! That's bad? Well, the client is Darryl Buckner.
I went to school with him.
So that's why I'm a little hesitant about getting into bed with him.
Honey, that's an industry term for, you know, working together.
I mean, I don't really want to sleep with the guy, I mean Oh, darn! I thought I'd finally be able to cross that off my fantasy list.
(LAUGHS) No, Darryl was one of those guys that always had everything, you know? He was cool, he had the coolest car, he was really popular.
You know the type.
Hell, you were the type.
No, I wasn't.
Yeah, I was.
Yeah, you were.
And he wants us to go out to dinner with him tomorrow night.
I guess I could find a way to cancel.
Oh, honey! You said this was a big job.
We should go.
I don't know, honey.
It's just going to be one giant infomercial about him and his accomplishments.
Well, and I'll be right next to you talking about your accomplishments.
Hey, and I'll look resplendent.
But That's a good thing.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, we'll do it.
Okay, good.
ANDY: Oh, boy! It sure feels good to get out of those wet clothes.
Andy, you know you don't live here, right? That's why I have the towel on.
(LAUGHING) So I told the school, I would have given them the 250 grand even if they hadn't named the stadium after me! CHERYL: Oh (JIM FORCING LAUGHTER) You know, they named a sandwich after Jim at the lunchwagon.
Really? Yeah.
Well, I mean, it's not really It's more of a melt than a sandwich.
But if you like fried bologna and sauerkraut then the Big Jim is your lady.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Buckner.
(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE) Would you excuse me? I have to take this.
It's my broker in Japan.
(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE) The Big Jim? Well, honey, you're so proud of it.
Honey, I am proud that Kyle did a boom-boom in a big-boy toilet.
But I didn't bring any pictures.
Who are you calling? Andy.
Andy, will you do me a favor and call me right back? Why? What movie? Oh.
Bruce Willis is a ghost and he doesn't know it.
Sorry about that.
It's all right.
I am getting way too global.
Oh! I know the feeling.
Hey, how about a toast? Sure.
To our upcoming collaboration.
May your work on my new home turn out to be as stunning as your wife.
CHERYL: Oh! Oh, how sweet! Thank you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) God, it never stops! Hello? Oh, yes, Councilman.
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN) Excuse me.
He's a busy man.
Oh, yeah.
You know, Jim was telling me that you two have been married for eight years! Eleven and a half, but, yeah.
That's great.
I'm divorced.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
It gave me a great reason to move back home.
Oh, yeah.
Well Uh, do you know of a decent place to buy a suit around here? Oh, yeah, Kisby's on Oak.
Is that where Jim goes? Oh, just once.
He got in a fight.
Yeah, no one had ever measured his inseam before, so (LAUGHS) You know, I'm really not good at picking out clothes.
Oh.
Yeah.
Hey, you want to come with me? Oh, I'll buy you some dinner and we can make a night out of it.
Oh! Oh, okay.
Well, we'll have to pick a night when Jim's free.
But that'd be fun.
No.
I was thinking it would just be the two of us.
You know, you and I.
(STAMMERING) Uh, just me? Mmm.
Oh, I don't think my husband would like that very much.
So (LAUGHS) What? You don't tell him.
Oh! No, no, no, Councilman.
Honestly, that's why I'm here.
(IMITATING CALLER) Okay.
Via Condotti! Okay, Gracie, truth or dare? Truth.
Ever eat a booger? Yes.
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN MOCK DISGUST) Aunt Dana, truth or dare? Truth.
Who's your boyfriend? Well, this guy named Steve.
But he's not really my boyfriend.
He should be though.
We've gone out enough times.
But I guess the word boyfriend is too stifling for Steve.
What is it with men and commitment? Just say dare next time.
Hello, my lovelies! Hello! Hi, Daddy.
What did you bring us, Daddy? Jumbo shrimp.
BOTH: Yay! Now remember, those are for eating.
I don't want you dressing them up this time.
I'm gonna meet somebody and be happy, right? Oh.
Dana, I told you.
Just say dare next time.
You look upset.
What's the matter? (SIGHS) All right.
I'm gonna tell you something but I need you to promise not to tell Jim.
But, Cheryl, Jim is my brother-in-law.
I can't keep secrets from him.
I love him.
(LAUGHING) Can you imagine? (SIGHS) All right, listen.
(EXHALES) Tonight at dinner, Jim's client hit on me.
What? Yeah.
Jim got up from the table and he asked me out.
Oh, my God.
Ugh! Why did I have to look so resplendent? But you know what? Maybe I'll never see him again and then I can just pretend it never happened.
So, you're not gonna tell Jim? No! He'll get all jealous and crazy and do something stupid.
Yeah, you're right.
You shouldn't tell him.
Okay, good.
I mean, you don't usually tell him when men hit on you, right? Oh, come on! You make it sound like it happens all the time.
Well, it does! What about the deli guy at Dominick's grocery? Elliot? Yeah.
He's in college.
He doesn't even count.
He does have great arms, though.
Oh, please.
What am I, blind? (SNORING) Jim? Honey, are you awake? Jim! (MUMBLES) Yeah? How much loving do you need, woman? Honey, I can't sleep.
I need to talk.
Sure.
Why not? The guy with a job doesn't need to sleep.
Now, what do you want to talk about? I don't know.
Did you have fun at dinner tonight? Fun? Yeah.
I don't know if it was fun, but I mean, Buckner's Buckner.
What am I gonna do? It's just a job.
I'll just learn to deal with it.
And by the way, he's coming over tomorrow to approve some plans.
What? Buckner's coming here? Yeah.
Don't worry.
You don't have to do anything special.
Just some chips and dip and (YAWNING) Vacuum and dust.
You know, the usual drill.
(EXCLAIMS) What? Okay, honey.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, but, um Tonight at dinner when you got up to use the phone Right.
Buckner hit on me.
(STAMMERING) Okay, now, honey, I don't want you to overreact.
I totally handled it.
It's fine.
Nothing happened.
I thought if he was gonna come over here, then you should know.
Oh, honey, come on.
Say something.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Yes! Yes! What? I finally got something Buckner wants! I win! I win, I win.
I win, I win, I win! I win, I win.
I really, really win! My house, my house, my house! Whose house? Whose house? Whose house? My house, my house, I win! I win! All right, well, I'm off to make more of what fuels this dream we live.
You mean the one where my sister marries beneath her and I have to tolerate the guy? You know, Dana, I'm running a little late so I'm gonna call you from the car with a cutting remark, all right? Hey, remember, Buckner's coming.
I know.
What're you gonna wear? I don't know, Jim.
Why don't you get yourself something sexy? Jim, this is $20.
Yeah.
I also need some socks.
All right, girls.
Mama wants to talk to Aunt Dana.
Go into the living room and watch TV.
But we're not done with our breakfast.
Take it with you.
But we're not allowed to eat in front of the TV.
Eat in front of the piano.
Go! (SIGHS) So, I guess you didn't tell Jim that Buckner hit on you last night.
Oh, I did.
I did.
He jumped up and down, pumped his fist, and did that thing with his pelvis.
Oh, God, the ape victory dance.
He's just so excited that Buckner wants something he has.
Me.
Okay.
Can I just make this about me for a second, please? Yeah, go ahead.
You are already married and now a millionaire wants you, too? It's just not fair! Okay, back to you.
I mean, I don't expect Jim to beat him up, but couldn't he just hate his guts for a few minutes? Hmm.
So what are you gonna do when he gets here? Nothing.
It's only for a couple of hours.
I don't wanna blow this job for Jim.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? Oh, hey, Jim.
Yeah, you got a good one? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
But I'm not Chinese, so that doesn't make sense.
Okay, call me back.
So, what I'm looking for in the media room is some kind of tiered seating.
All right.
You know, maybe enough to hold 15 people.
Fifteen? Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, and over here in the domed observatory, what I really want Oh, I can't stand it! This house is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Isn't it, Jim? Well, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen is my wife, but, uh This is okay.
Okay? Look at this.
The master bedroom alone is bigger than this whole house.
Well, what good is all that space if you don't have somebody to share it with? Am I right? I'll move in.
Yeah.
I'm an excellent gardener and let's face it, Jim's company is going nowhere.
Cheryl, Andy's blood sugar's getting low.
Snack us up.
You know, I'll bet she's gonna come in here all dressed up.
Oh, boy! I wonder what kind of provocative ensemble she put together for tonight.
(JIM CHUCKLES) Excuse me.
Sweats! How about that, huh? Leaving every curve a mystery.
You're a lucky man, Jim.
So, it'd be fair to say you wish you were me? (CHERYL SIGHS) What? Thank you.
(LAUGHING) Hey, Cheryl, wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Take that thing out of your hair and, you know, shake your head and do that smile like you do.
I don't want to.
Oh, no, come on, honey.
You gotta do it.
Oh, you've gotta see this.
You gotta see it.
It looks like a shampoo commercial.
She just lights up the room.
Jim, honey, come on.
No, come on, do it, honey.
Will you do it? (EXCLAIMS) Like this, "I'm hot! I'm hot.
"I'm flipping my hair and I'm looking sexy and I know it.
"I'm hot.
I'm hot.
" No, Jim! I don't wanna do it.
Would you let it go? There ain't no taming that filly, huh? So, as your gardener, what's your policy on nudity in the hot tub? Cheryl? What's going on? Come on.
(IMITATING JIM) "Do that thing with your hair"? I don't talk like that! Oh, yes, you do.
Oh, you don't even have me down! You know, after eight years of marriage Eleven and a half! Really? Oh, God! How dare you flaunt me in front of that jerk! How would you like it if I made you put on tight leather pants and I paraded you around a PTA meeting? Would I have to stay for the whole meeting? That's not the point! The point is that Buckner hit on me and you don't even care! Come on.
What do you want me to do, honey? I want you to be jealous.
I want it to make you crazy! No, I'm not gonna be jealous, because I'm not jealous! You don't have to be happy that Buckner wants me.
But I am! What? Honey, remember that car I told you he had? He had a beautiful, beautiful Trans Am.
And he would drive it around that town like he owned the world.
And you know what? He did! And now it's my turn, baby.
I'm in the driver's seat! Okay.
Are you listening to yourself? Now you're comparing me to a car.
No, honey, you're not a car.
You're a person.
You're a loving, caring, lovely person.
And persons always beat out stuff.
Congratulations, Jim.
Congratulations, you won.
Do you want me to get you a trophy? Oh, honey, you're the only trophy I need.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) What? What? I keep saying nice stuff and you keep walking away! I don't get it.
If Bruce Willis is a ghost, how can the kid see him? Well, it's because he has a sixth sense.
Where did that come from? The title.
Whoa! Oh, thank God! Hey.
Uh, is everything all right? No.
No, not really.
Look, I need to say something here and this may cost me the job, but I know you hit on Cheryl last night.
What? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
It's a little early in the day for the twins to be dancing.
But my, how they do love to dance! JIM: Andy, Andy.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
Put the twins away for a little bit.
Go outside.
I need a minute with him.
Fine.
Patience, boys.
Your day will come.
Come on.
Cheryl told me all about it.
All right.
Yeah, I did.
Maybe I should go.
(STAMMERING) Jim, look, I I'm sorry, you know.
It was stupid and I was out of line.
Well, you came onto my wife.
Which, by any rule, you know, isn't good.
Yeah.
But I also treated her like a thing.
That's apparently even worse.
Cheryl's not a thing.
I mean, she's She's everything.
(WHISPERING) She's listening at the top of the stairs.
Really? Yeah.
Thanks.
Mmm.
Oh, man, I am steaming mad! You got that right.
You think I'm overreacting? Well, I am, because I am jealous! That was pretty good.
Thank you.
So, uh You wanna take a swing at me? Yeah, maybe I should.
And you take this back to Studville! (GRUNTS) Hey, you really punched me! Don't ever hit on my wife again.
Yeah.
See you on Monday? Yeah.
Nine? ish.
Hey.
Hey.
So, I'll draw up those plans and then talk to you on Monday, huh? Oh.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Hey, did someone drop a dollar on the sidewalk there? BUCKNER: Ow! So, how much of that did you hear? The sincere part.
And the part for my benefit.
Well, you know, Cheryl, I dated a lot of women before I met you.
I mean, a lot of women.
Conservative estimates, I'd say What's your point, Jim? You and I got this really good thing going.
Yeah.
And I'm not going anywhere.
And you're not going anywhere.
No.
I want you to know if there was ever a moment that I thought that you wanted somebody else, I wouldn't just be jealous, I'd be shattered.
Oh, honey, come on.
No, I would.
That is never ever gonna happen.
But you see you gotta understand that I know that.
That's why it doesn't bother me that guys flirt with you all the time.
I mean, like that guy who works at the deli at the grocer.
That doesn't bother me.
Who? That college kid with the great arms.
College kid, great arms.
Doesn't ring a bell.
You know, the guy with the great arms.
I don't Hmm I'll see you Monday.
Monday.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) That way.
Hey! What are you guys doing here? Oh, well, Jim set us up.
Oh, well, isn't that so sweet! Oh, you enjoy your meal.
(LAUGHING) What're you doing setting my sister up with that creep? (SIGHS) Can't you see? It's perfect.
Dana needs a man and Buckner needs to be punished.