All In The Family s02e19 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days Gloria, will you hurry it up? Your father's got me in another one of his stupid arguments.
That's 'cause when you're arguing about something stupid With somebody who's also stupid, the argument is bound to be stupid.
Right, stupid? Come on, Gloria! We're gonna miss the bus! Oh, she missed the bus the day she said "I do" to you.
Will you lay off, arch? Here, Mike.
I made you something to eat in case you get hungry on the trip.
On the trip? He's gonna woof that down walking to the subway.
Daddy, will you lay off Michael? We're gonna be gone for eight days.
Do we have to leave on an angry note? With him, is there any other way? Come on.
Let me help you with your pack.
Oh, help her with her pack.
Look at this here.
He's loading her up like she's a mule.
All so they can go away and live with a bunch of commie slobs.
Daddy, they're not communists, and you know it.
They're members of a farming commune.
People who live in communes are comm-u-nists.
You're wrong, daddy.
Why are you putting down a group of kids Who are trying to build a life based on love and sharing? I know all about that kind of sharing.
First, it's "pass the bread.
" Next, it's "kindly pass your wife.
" Come on, Michael.
We're gonna be late.
No, wait a second.
All week you've been treating us like criminals Just because we're gonna spend a few days with some people Who are sick and tired of your dog-eat-dog world.
If everybody run off and lived in them communes, what do you think are gonna happen, huh? Who'd run the machinery of this world? Who'd drive the subways? How would I get to work? But, arch, not everyone is gonna run off to a commune.
Don't you see? It's a question of each man doing his own thing.
Your thing just happens to be grubbing for a living in this polluted, grime-ridden city.
And your thing is spongin' off of my thing.
- Good-bye.
- And good "ribbance.
" You can stay in that commune for life for all I care.
I just might stay, arch.
And if I do, that means your daughter's staying with me.
Come on.
Don't be too sure there! Blood is thicker than water! Don't you never forget that! Gloria, Mike, you will come back, won't you? Gloria? Well, have a good time.
Did you hear that? He said he might never come back.
Aw, baloney.
We ain't gonna lose him till we sell the refrigerator.
Archie, do you realize this is the first time We've been alone for years? [ Grunts in affirmation .]
We got eight whole days ahead of us.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, my.
I feel like I did on our honeymoon-- all goose pimply.
I remember.
Could hardly find you behind all them bumps.
Archie, do you like being alone with me? Certainly I like being alone with you, Edith.
Turn on the tv.
Oh, let's not watch tv.
We don't talk enough.
You talk enough, Edith.
Archie? Yeah? I miss the kids.
They just left, Edith.
I don't miss them.
We're gonna have a beautiful, peaceful week here without them.
They're doin' what they wanna do.
We can do what we wanna do.
Got a lot of privacy now.
We can do a lot of things we couldn't do with the kids hangin' around.
Yeah.
Like what? Edith, like, uh-- like anything you wanna name.
Like, for instance, we can get into the "toirlet" whenever we want.
Oh, Archie.
I know.
Let's put on a record and dance.
What? Yeah.
The other day I found our old copy of Glenn Miller's "moonlight serenade.
" Aw, geez.
Remember how we used to dance to that? Oh, Edith, come on, huh? Remember how you used to hold me in your arms, [ Groans .]
And I used to snuggle up against your cheek? oh, come on.
Look out, Edith.
You're tearing the paper here.
Come on.
Come on, will ya? Act your age.
Even Fred Astaire and ginger Rogers don't dance together no more.
And turn that thing off.
Turn it off, Edith.
Come on.
Sit down over here and be nice and quiet.
You want part of the paper? Archie, I'm scared.
You're scared of what? Of what if the kids do leave permanent? Because that's when marriages fall apart.
The husband and wife are left alone, and all of a sudden, they don't know each other no more.
They kind of drifted apart.
They got nothin' in common.
Edith, where do you get all this crapola? Well, I heard it on television from Dr.
Joyce brothers.
Aw, geez! She calls it the "marriage vacuum.
" [ Groans .]
When a husband and wife don't do nothin' together no more.
All right, Edith.
You wanna do somethin' together? I'll tell ya what we'll do.
First, you go out in the kitchen and get me some beer.
Yeah? And then I'll drink it.
Come on, Edith.
Don't fall apart.
I was only kiddin' ya.
Hey, you wanna play some cards? Yeah.
You go out in the kitchen, you get the beer.
I'll get the cards.
We'll play a couple of hands.
Good.
That'll be fun.
[ Chuckling .]
Geez.
There's one thing true about marriage.
It keeps you from readin' the paper.
What kind of cards you wanna play there, Edith? Gin rummy, Archie dear.
Okay.
Anything you want.
Don't make no difference to me what game I beat ya at.
[ Chuckles .]
Yeah.
I guess we're out of beer.
Huh? I'm sorry.
I guess I forgot to buy it.
Aw, geez, Edith.
I don't ask for much around here.
Is it too much to ask you to keep some beer in the house? I said I was sorry.
Aw, geez.
How you gonna play a game of rummy without no beer? [ Sighs .]
A man's got a right to expect a few little things from his wife.
Well, a wife's got a right to expect a few little things from her husband.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
And what few little things do you expect? I expect you to say you're sorry sometimes.
Why should I say I'm sorry? I didn't forget the beer.
You done that.
You say you're sorry.
Aw, geez.
Here we go again.
I know that look.
That's your family's trademark.
Whenever they got somethin' festering up inside 'em, they always go skinny in the nose.
And they get that little frozen look around the mouth there.
Yeah, that's it.
That's just the way your relatives was looking at me the day you married me.
Well, come on.
Get it over with.
What is it? Well, I've been thinkin'.
In all the years we been married, you never once said you was sorry.
Edith, I'll gladly say I'm sorry if I am ever wrong.
Come on.
We're out here to have a little fun.
Here, pick up your cards, get them together.
Let's play a little cards, huh? All right, Archie.
[ Sighs .]
Let's see what I got myself here.
Hey.
Ooh.
Hey.
Ooh, ooh.
Ooh! It's not so bad at all.
All right.
Let's go.
Play the game.
You don't want the four of diamonds.
Pick from the deck.
Let's go.
That's the way.
This card, now.
Come on.
Hey! Hey! Look at that.
Ten of hearts.
It goes right in there like it had a pair of eyes.
I give you a little deuce there, but this card goes.
There we are.
Ten of spades! Look at that! Edith, what are you doing here? What's the name of this game? Gin rummy.
[ Chuckling .]
You gave it to me on a silver platter there, Edith.
How many points you got? Oh, look at this.
You're loaded there.
You got-- wait a minute.
What are you doing? Don't you see? You broke up your own run here, Edith.
You got the nine Jack, the queen of spades.
You gave me the ten of spades.
- Is it my deal? - No, wait a minute.
Forget the deal.
You don't play that bad.
You gave me this ten of spades on purpose.
- I did? - Yeah, you did.
Why'd you do that? Well, Archie, I thought it would make you feel better if I let you win.
What? That will be the day-- when I gotta win by you letting me win.
I was winning here before you let me win.
You know what you done now? You spoiled the game.
I don't wanna play no more.
You wanna do something together, do something together by yourself.
Archie, I'm sorry.
I thought I was doing a good thing.
Oh, sure.
A good thing.
That's you all over.
You're always doing good.
Edith the good.
You never get mad at nobody.
You never holler at nobody.
You never swear.
No nothing.
You're like a Saint.
You think it's fun living with a Saint? It ain't.
It ain't at all.
Look at this-- you don't even cheat to win.
You cheat to lose! I mean, Edith, you ain't human! That's a terrible thing to say.
I'm just as human as you are.
Prove you're just as human as me.
Do something rotten.
All right.
I will.
You're a-- you're-- you're a-- oh! I can't.
I know you can't.
You can't do nothing that ain't good.
You ain't human.
I am so human! How can you say that I'm not after 23 years of marriage? How can you stand there and say I'm not hu-- [ Sobbing .]
Aw, geez, now you're gonna cry on me.
I can't help it.
That was a terrible thing to say.
I can't stand here and fight with you if you're gonna cry.
I can't help it.
I'm sorry.
You say you're sorry, and I'll stop crying.
[ Sobbing .]
Stop that! Stop that! Archie, things will never be the same between us If you don't say you're sorry! Are you gonna stop crying? I can't! Then that's it! Archie, where are you going? I'm gonna go out! Please say you're sorry! I'll give you one more chance to stop crying! You gonna stop? I can't! Then that's it! You pushed me too far, Edith! Too far! Too far! No, maude.
It's been a whole week now, and Archie ain't said he's sorry.
Sure, we talk.
Every night he says to me, "I'll see you later.
I'm going down to kelcy's bar.
" No, I ain't forgiving him until he says-- [ Archie .]
Jimmy, I'll see you tomorrow.
There's Archie.
I'd better hang up.
Good night.
Oh, you can easily see she's not my mother because my mother's 49 ba, ba, ba, boo and you can easily see she's not my sister 'cause I wouldn't give my sister such a hell of a good time and you can easily see she's not my sweetie 'cause my sweetie's so refined she's just a fun-loving kid she didn't know what she did she's just a personal friend of mine good evening, Archie.
Hey, Edith.
Hey, Edith.
Look at me.
Look at me.
You know what I am? You know what you're looking at here? The electric shuffleboard champion of kelcy's bar and grill.
Oh, Edith, you should've been down there.
Nobody could stop me.
I was beating them all.
Zip, bam.
Zip, bam.
Zip, bam, bam, bam! Bam! Crowd gathering all around me.
You know what they was calling themselves? "Archie's army.
" I didn't disappoint nobody.
I retired undefeated.
I'll get you some coffee.
Don't you put yourself to no trouble there, Edith.
It's no trouble.
It's my job.
Thank you.
Thank you, Edith.
You're welcome, Archie.
[ Whistling .]
Hey, uh-- hey, Edith dear, did you enjoy yourself around here this evening? I mean, did anything nice happen, or-- huh? Well, we got a telegram from the kids.
They're fine.
They're coming home tonight.
Oh, hey, that's swell, Edith.
Maybe we'll get back to normal around here, huh? Not exactly, Archie.
Here's your coffee.
I'm going to bed.
Good night.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Wait a minute there, Edith.
Come on, will you? It's the shank of the evening.
You don't have to go up there now.
Just let me finish my coffee, and I'll go with you.
Just sit down here, huh? Just for a minute or two.
There.
Ain't that nice? Just the way you want it now-- the two of us together.
Oh, boy, that's great coffee, Edith.
I'll say one thing for you.
- You always made great coffee.
- Thank you.
Oh, yeah, I know what I want to tell you.
- You remember cliff hogan? - No.
Oh, well, it's just as well anyhow.
He was arrested tonight in kelcy's bar.
No kidding.
The cops come in there, they dragged him out from under his beer.
You know why? He was beating his wife.
I think a lot of guys do that, Edith.
That's why so many dames shoot their husbands.
- Did you ever think about taking a shot at me? - No.
That's good.
I never thought about shooting you neither.
It's nice when two people get along together, huh? - Right, Edith? - Have you finished your coffee? Wait a minute.
Where are you running away to? Can't you just sit down here for a little while? Huh? I mean, don't you see what I'm trying to do? I'm trying to be nice.
I'm trying to make you happy.
Now, be happy! Will you? You know what would make me happy.
I'm waiting to hear you say your sorry.
And nothing will be right between us until I hear you say it.
You are selfish, Edith! That's what you are-- selfish! You're always thinking about yourself.
What would happen to this little family here if I'd done that, huh? I've got a lot of things on my mind too, you know.
What things? Oh, listen, plenty of things.
Some of them are important.
Well, tell me.
What are they? Well, I mean-- like for instance-- all right.
Remember that time three years ago, down at work? I was supposed to move upstairs to the office there.
- You know why I never did? - No.
Why? Well, because-- if I tell you this, you gotta promise you'll never tell a soul, living or dead.
- I promise.
- All right.
I didn't get that promotion Because I didn't finish high school.
Oh, Archie, I never knew that.
Well, I didn't want you to be ashamed of me-- you and Gloria.
And I didn't think that the meathead knew-- don't you ever blab this to the meathead.
If he finds out about this, he'll go around thinking he's smarter than me.
- I won't tell.
- Anyway, I nearly finished.
I had to quit my last term, get a job.
You know, help out at home.
Oh, Archie.
Oh, Edith, things were tough around them times, I tell you.
Boy, I was lucky to get the job-- pushing a hand truck full of ladies' ready-to-wear up and down 7th Avenue.
Yeah.
They used to call me the "goisha" kid.
That's 'cause I was the only gentile, I guess, in the whole garment district.
You know, except for a sprinkle of the dagos.
Which they might as well be Jews anyhow.
I'm sorry about your not graduating.
I'll tell you something else too.
If I had stood in high school there and graduated, I might have been a pitcher in the major leagues.
You wanted to be a baseball player? That's right, Edith.
I'll tell you something else.
When I was on that high school team, I was very, very good.
I had a hell of an arm when I was a kid then.
That was my one big dream-- pitch for the New York Yankees.
Let me warm up your coffee.
No, no, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
Yeah, I guess most people wanna be something else.
What did you ever wanna be, Edith? Anything? No.
No.
No, I didn't, but my mother did.
Oh, your mother, huh? What'd she want? She wanted to be the mother of a tap dancer.
Huh? Yeah.
She got the idea from those old Shirley temple movies.
You know.
On the good ship lollipop it's a nice trip from the candy shop [ humming .]
Yeah, I remember.
I remember.
I remember! I remember.
She used to say to me, "Edith--" that's what she always called me.
"If Shirley temple can do it, so can you.
You're much prettier than she is, and you got just as much talent.
" You know how mothers are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember she bought me a pair of black patent leather tap shoes, and she took me to miss Jeanette's school of the dance.
A dollar an hour.
But miss Jeanette gave my mother her money back after the second lesson.
- You wanna know why? - Yeah, I'm waiting to hear.
Whenever I tried to tap, my foot kept missin' the floor.
All right.
I guess you had to give it up then.
I mean, if your foot never hit the floor.
That's just as well.
You could never have competed with the coloreds.
They were always the best for tap dancing.
I mean, Shirley temple was never as good as bojangles.
You was always a great ballroom dancer, Edith.
I can remember that about you.
And I'm gonna prove that to you right now.
Let me get this on.
There.
[ Big band .]
Yeah? Come on.
Let's give it a whirl.
Archie, are you asking me to dance? Certainly.
You wanted to dance last week, didn't you? Oh, well, I don't know.
It's been so long.
So what? You never forget dancing.
Get up here.
It's like riding a bike.
Once you got it, you got it for life.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles .]
Ain't that nice? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Look out for this one now.
Oh! Oh! [ Chuckling .]
Yeah.
That make you happy? Yeah.
Yeah.
What was I doing? Next time you get a bee in your belfry, I won't waste my time arguin'.
I'll just grab you for a dance.
What? What are you doing? Don't turn the music-- it's getting late, Archie.
What are you talking about? It ain't late at all.
We ain't finished the dance yet.
I don't know what I just said, but I'm sor-- listen.
Listen.
Come on.
We-- we-- we can't leave the floor Until the first prize is given out to the best couple.
And here it is right now to the best couple on the floor.
There.
Archie, a present for me? Certainly.
Open it up.
Oh! First prize.
Oh, Archie! [ Gasps .]
A lady gilette! Well, the drugstore was the only joint open this time of night.
Thank you.
You like it? Who wouldn't? Yeah, swell.
And, Edith, about this little spat we've been having around here all week.
Yeah, Archie? Well, you know, all them names I was calling you, like Saint and Edith the good And saying you wasn't human and all, I just want to say that, you know-- you're sorry.
Yeah.
I'm glad you said it, Archie.
Well, you know-- aw, geez, they're at it again.
Mom, daddy, we'll see you later.
Are youse goin' out again tonight? You just got home last night.
We're going to the movies.
We figured you kids would like to have the house to yourself.
Get out of here! [ Mike .]
See you later.
Good night.
- Good night.
- [ Chuckling .]
What? [ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.