American Housewife (2016) s02e19 Episode Script

1 Who's up for Chinese checkers? Oh, half the marbles are missing.
Everyone, spread out and find a suitable replacement for the red and white ones.
And a suitable replacement for a pet in this house.
Something snobby and purebred, with lots of health issues so it dies before I get bored with it.
[OINKING.]
You hurt his feelings! Don't you have a heart? He does, and it's just covered under layers of snark.
Taylor, it's game night.
Do you want to join us? [CHUCKLES.]
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm going downtown with my friends.
Have fun with your little games.
I do not like what our nice, fun-loving Taylor has become since she started hanging out with these popular girls.
This is the way she walks around school with her stuck-up friends - Excellent pantomime work.
- Mm-hmm.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Spencer! I've got big news! Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Ta-da! Please tell me this has nothing to do with Viagra.
No, my house-arrest ankle bracelet isn't beeping anymore.
That's because I don't have one.
I'm a free man! Congratulations! Tomorrow we golf.
You got clubs? No.
I'm buying you clubs.
Can I buy him clubs? - Um - I'm buying you clubs! You know, you got a good kid here.
A true friend, which is hard to find.
Because when you're rich, people are always trying to get close to you.
Biggie called it mo money, mo problems.
Oliver, be ready.
I got us a tee time 9:00 a.
m.
, Longshore.
- You got golf shoes? - No.
I'm buying you golf shoes.
I'm buying him golf shoes! Ha-ha! You hear what he said? I'm a good kid.
Yeah, I'm not buyin' it.
Hey, Taylor.
You're home early.
- [GROANS.]
- Something wrong? No! Why does something always have to be wrong? And why are you guys always in my business? I just want to be left alone! God!! [STOMPING.]
Such a fun age.
Come on, let's go talk to her.
She said she wants to be left alone.
I want to be left alone all the time, Greg, but nobody listens to me.
So, what's going on? Everything is fine.
It's perfect.
I love my life, okay? The only reason why I'm getting misty right now is because I look at my life and I think, "Wow, it's so beautiful!" Now get out! Something is obviously wrong.
And we're not leaving until we find out what it is.
You won't understand! - Try us.
- Mm-hmm.
We were at Tom Garrity's house just hanging out, and I went to talk to Summit, Zola, and Londyn, but they kept ignoring me and walked away.
So I followed them and I tried talking to them again, but they just kept ditching me.
And then when I asked them why, Summit said they're reevaluating their friend group.
What does that even mean? She's right, I don't understand.
It means I'm out.
I left my old friends to be with my new friends, and now my new friends don't want me.
I have no one.
- You always have us.
- Oh, Greg.
Is that what you think of me? That I'm just some loser whose only friends are her parents? - No, I - Taylor, I understand.
Don't even! Maybe in the 1900s something like this happened to you.
But it's different now.
You don't know what I'm going through and don't say you do because you don't! She stormed out of her own room.
I wonder when she's gonna realize Get out! Reevaluate their friend group? [SIGHS.]
- Hans Gruber, how'd you get up there? - [OINKS.]
Greg, there's something I really need you to understand from now on, that one's your pillow.
I'll get him down.
And then you'll change the sheets.
- Yes.
- Like, really change them.
Actually get the elastic under the mattress so it doesn't slip out and I dream I'm caught in a fishing net.
I got it.
Hans Gruber, get down.
Get down.
Come on.
[PATTING KNEES.]
- [OINKS.]
- Come on.
Good boy.
Good boy.
- [OINKS.]
- [GERMAN ACCENT.]
Gruber.
Gruber, get down.
Come on, come on.
[SNORTING.]
Come on.
[SNORTING.]
- Mnh-mnh.
- Come on.
[SLOWLY.]
Come down.
Yeah, Greg, that's why the 400-pound farm animal won't get off our comforter Enunciation.
That pig has got to go.
I know! But what do I do? I can't sell him for meat.
Anna-Kat considers him family.
I give to this charity that lets animals safely live out the rest of their lives on a farm.
You could bring him there.
Is that one of your "date a woman, dump her, but then support her charities so you don't seem like a monster" deals? Yes.
But if they don't have a charity, then they get a Jo Malone candle.
The big one with the three wicks.
The farm sounds perfect.
Now I just have to convince Anna-Kat and Greg.
Just sneak it out in the middle of the night.
That's what I did with Richard's mom when I moved her out of the guest room into a retirement home.
She bit me, but it was worth it.
[KATIE AND ANGELA LAUGH.]
[GIRLS LAUGHING.]
That's them.
The Blontourage.
- The girls who kicked Taylor to the curb? - Mm-hmm.
If you squint, you can almost see them doing porn in 10 years.
I'm just gonna go say hi.
Uh, you're just gonna go make things worse.
- Or better! - But probably worse! Maybe better! - Girls.
- Hi, Mrs.
Otto.
No.
We're not doing that.
This isn't a pleasant meeting.
- I'll have - She'll have nothing! What's your deal? My deal is that you blew off Taylor for no reason.
Well, let me tell you something.
I know you think you're all that and Wait, wait.
All what? - All that.
- What's that mean? It's a saying.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
It's short for "all that and a bag of chips.
" Chips are terrible for you.
Yeah, even the healthy kind are like a bazillion calories.
Totally.
Like, one bag Guys.
We are not talking about bags of chips.
We are talking about what bags of garbage you are.
Incredible transition.
Personally, for me, I'm glad you blew off my daughter because I don't want her ending up like you.
Pretty on the outside but rotten on the inside.
And eventually, that rottenness will come to the surface and no amount of concealer will hide what dried-out old hags you become.
And when you look at your shriveled reflections in the mirror, remember, I called it.
How'd that go? I made it better.
Or worse.
- I made it worse.
- Yeah.
Hans Gruber won't come down.
Is he sick or depressed or something? Well near as I can tell, he's suffering from "I should be living on a farm, but these stupid people brought me into their house and named me after a movie villain.
" That sounds like a fairly judgy condition.
I think what Dr.
Hatch is trying to say is, Hans Gruber belongs on a farm with other pigs.
He's right.
It's time.
Now, how do we get him off the bed? Stop feeding him.
When he's hungry, he'll find his way down.
You're giving away Hans Gruber? I'm sorry, honey.
He belongs with his own kind.
I'm his own kind! Anna-Kat.
Okay, I'm off to see some morons that have a llama in their apartment.
Anna-Kat, Hans Gruber has to go to a farm.
He's gotten too big.
You didn't send Mom to a farm after she had Taylor! [DOOR SLAMS.]
What'd she say? She said she needs some time to process things.
Did you hear from Oliver? He texted me.
They landed safely in New York and are grabbing a bite.
I can't believe our son took a helicopter to dinner with his 80-year-old billionaire friend.
There is so much bad in that sentence, I am choosing to block it out.
[SIGHS.]
The vet was right.
Don't feed them, and eventually they'll come down.
What's up? Nothin'.
You? Nothin'.
Cool.
Subzero over here.
Do you think maybe we could play a game? KATIE: Stay calm, Katie.
Don't look too eager and scare her off.
Give Greg the "play it cool" look.
He never understands my looks.
I'm up for playing a game.
Just not the mystery one.
Mystery one? It's the one with the rope and the candlestick and the clues.
Yeah, with the clues.
What is that? - Uhh.
- It's on the tip of my tongue.
- With the rooms.
- Yeah, with the clues.
It's Clue, guys.
The game is Clue.
[OINKS.]
Look who's off the bed and is hungry.
Oh, Anna-Kat, let me help you with that.
Now that Taylor's been cast out, our sweet, fun-loving girl is back.
I know.
Hopefully she'll be alone and friendless forever.
[OINKS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey, Mrs.
Otto.
Uhhh What are you doing here? Well, I-I thought about what you said about being rotten on the inside, and I want to make up with Taylor.
That's very nice of you, but she already has a new group of friends.
Who? Uh, Brenda, Brandon, Dylan, and Jennie Garth.
You don't know them.
They don't go to your school.
Now she's too cool to talk to you.
Ha! [EXHALES.]
Who was at the door? - Pizza guy.
- So where's the pizza? I ate it.
Okay.
It's sweet she's so trusting.
But it hurts my feelings that she thought I ate a whole pizza in 30 seconds.
ANNA-KAT: Mom! Dad! Come quick! You have to see this! It's exactly like in "Charlotte's Web.
" Hans Gruber can spell.
We can't give away a pig this special.
Actually, in "Charlotte's Web," it was the spider who could spell, not the pig.
So I had to pick the one book you've read.
Sweetie, Hans Gruber belongs on a farm.
But I don't want him to go.
I know.
But if you love somebody, you need to let them grow.
And sometimes that means letting them go.
And then you'll put my hair in a bow.
Stop trying to Dr.
Seuss me.
Who was at the door earlier? I know you didn't eat a pizza in 30 seconds.
Thank you.
It was that Zola girl trying to make up with Taylor.
What'd you tell her? I told her that Taylor was friends with the cast of "90210" and to never talk to her again.
- Good.
- Good? No lecture on morals? No "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we first lie to our friend Steve?" Would you like to hear the correct version, or shall I act like you nailed it and move on? Nailed it and move on.
Okay.
Well, hey, guys.
We had the best day.
We went golfing and then Ran into some old acquaintances who weren't happy to see me.
They bet us $10,000 on a round of golf.
We crushed them.
You crushed them.
He was amazing.
At my prison, there wasn't much do but golf.
You know, unless you were into sport fishing or hot air ballooning.
[LAUGHS.]
We took our winnings and blew it all on dinner.
How did you spend $10,000 on dinner? Dessert, plus tip.
Adds up.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, it's been a long day.
I think I'll go home and have a Manhattan or two and drunk-dial Daryl Hannah.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! That guy is my hero.
Isn't your father supposed to be your hero? [LAUGHS.]
Good night, Dad.
I got up early and made you breakfast.
Aww.
- Mmm.
- Good.
It's good.
It has kale in it.
Don't ruin it for me.
I thought later we can go for a walk down at the beach.
We can bury Dad in the sand and then give him boobies.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I'm gonna go see if there's a bucket.
It's official friendless Taylor just surpassed "five-month-old- sleeps-18-hours-a-day Taylor" - as my favorite Taylor.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh, it's her phone.
It's one of the Blondetourage texting her.
Zola.
She's the one who always has that dumb look on her face.
[LAUGHS.]
What'd she say? "Hey, Tay-Tay.
" Hate her.
- Mm.
- "Where are you? I stopped by your house last night to talk, but your parents said you were out.
Let's hang.
" Hey, I also found a Frisbee! Oh, God.
What are you doing? - Feeling up your mom.
- Mm-hmm.
With my phone? That's what I'm into, Taylor.
Don't judge.
Zola stopped by last night? And you didn't tell me? We didn't want you running back to those terrible girls.
They have already showed you who they really are.
They're the worst and not to be trusted.
Kinda like my parents.
Hey.
We're trying to protect you.
When your mom yelled at them at Stewart and Kingston's - Oh, Greg.
- You yelled at them? They were asking for it.
Who doesn't eat potato chips? Are you insane?! You're ruining my life! [GROANS.]
She's right.
We are no better than the Blondetourage.
We're the Parentourage.
Ottotourage.
No need to one-up me, Greg.
Hey, Spencer and I are going down to the marina this afternoon to test out yachts from Dubai.
Is there a rule about wearing golf shoes yacht-shopping? [LAUGHS.]
Why am I asking you guys? I'm just setting you up to fail.
I was never crazy about Spencer's influence on Oliver, but now that he's mobile, it's going to get worse.
I am going to go over there and lay down the law.
Hi, Spencer.
I rang the bell and no one answered, so I came around the side.
Oliver thinks the world of you.
But he is an impressionable kid, and, well, we're not helicopter people.
You know, Spencer? [BIRD CALLS.]
Spencer? Oh, my God.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, Spencer.
[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Oliver, we need to talk to you.
Listen, I need to go yacht shopping with Spencer to complete the cycle.
You look confused.
The cycle consists of the big four mansion, Ferrari, plane, yacht.
Oliver I know, I know.
I'm a douchebag.
It's not that.
Please.
We need you to sit down.
It's about Spencer.
What about Spencer? Sweetie, I am so sorry to tell you this.
Tell me what? Spencer passed away today.
What are you talking about? He was just here.
He was perfectly fine yesterday.
I know it didn't seem like he was an old guy, but he was.
The paramedics said his heart just stopped.
He died peacefully, lying by his pool.
It's okay, honey.
We're here for you.
I'm fine.
I know he was your friend.
And it is okay to be upset.
Good to know.
But you're right.
He wasn't young and stuff happens.
But he died rich.
That's the dream, right? I got to go cancel the yacht guy.
What was that? He didn't even cry.
His voice didn't even crack.
Maybe he's in shock? I'm sure it'll set in eventually.
What if it doesn't? Then we make him watch Pixar movies until he feels something.
- [OINKING.]
- KATIE: Honey, don't worry.
On the farm, there's a lot of room for him to run around.
He'll have friends and be free.
Yeah, free to be a bag of pork rinds.
[LAUGHS.]
What happened to, "it'll set in eventually"? Oliver just has issues with happiness.
He has trouble with empathy, and he's currently showing no signs of grief.
You realize that is the textbook definition of a psychopath.
But he's not torturing animals.
You're right.
How are we so blessed? Look.
He already made friends.
ANNA-KAT: Yeah.
Pig friends.
He looks pretty happy.
- Mm-hmm.
- He does, doesn't he? Okay, we've been here long enough.
Just say goodbye and we can get on with our lives.
- [GOAT BLEATING.]
- Come on.
[OINKING.]
Hans Gruber, I'm gonna miss you, big guy.
Me and you, and you and me No matter how they toss the dice, it had to be Yep.
That was our jam.
[OINKS.]
Bye, Hans.
I know we didn't start out the best of friends, but you grew on me.
The night I ate all those Girl Scout Cookies, I looked over and saw you chewing on a used coffee filter.
I feel like you did it to make me feel better about myself.
And it worked, so thank you.
[OINKS.]
Goodbye, Hans Gruber.
At least you can make friends here without your parents butting in and deciding who's best for you.
[OINKS.]
So this is it.
When Daddy brought you home, you got a second chance at life, and I got a chance to know what real friendship is all about.
[OINKS.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm gonna miss your snorts and your nose kisses.
I'm gonna miss playing fetch with Daddy's hairbrush.
- What did she just say? - Shh.
Be a good pig.
And I'll be back to visit before you know it.
[OINKING.]
You did good, baby.
I'm spent.
Let's go.
Wait.
Oliver.
Aren't you going to say goodbye? Fine.
Hey.
Take it easy, pig.
Oliver, you're never going to see him again.
[EXHALES.]
Okay.
I guess she's right.
I'm not gonna see you again.
[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY.]
But that's life.
[OINKS.]
[SIGHS.]
I just want you to know meeting you was one of the best things that's ever happened to me.
I'm sorry I never told you that.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just [VOICE BREAKING.]
The thing is, I feel like I just got to know you, and now you're gone.
[SOBS.]
It's not fair! [SOBBING.]
I know, baby.
I know.
[SOBBING.]
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Oh, my sweet boy.
[SOBBING CONTINUES.]
It was a good idea to play Monopoly in honor of Spencer.
Yeah, we would've caught him sneaking money into his pocket, and when we called him on it he would've gone [AS SPENCER.]
"Swiss bank account, ha-ha!" [LAUGHTER.]
Room for one more? I thought you were going out with the Blondetourage.
They were supposed to pick me up, but they blew me off.
I saw on Snapchat they're already at the party.
[EXHALES.]
Those girls are the worst.
- Mm-hmm.
- I was so stupid.
I should've never gone back with them.
You were right.
Sometimes that happens.
Now come on and sit down.
You can either be a button or a Skittle.
You're the button.
- Yes! - Yeah! Gotta pay up.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
Mama? You're not gonna die soon, are you? I am not gonna die for a very, very long time.
But you will someday.
Yes.
But by the time that happens, you will be married, with kids, and I will be living above your garage spilling popcorn on your couch and bugging you that you don't spend enough time with me even though you spend all your time with me, and you'll be like, "When is she gonna die already?" Thanks, Mama.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.