Anger Management s02e19 Episode Script

Okay, Lacey, you're up next.
Describe the image you've chosen to be your happy place when you get upset.
Well, I've been thinking about it and I saw this deserted white-sand beach in a magazine, and there I am sitting in front of a thatched hut bungalow sipping a mojito.
That's very good.
Patrick? I was gonna say the penthouse at the Four Seasons off of Central Park, but mojitos there are, like, 30 bucks.
I'm going to Lacey's beach.
Here, I made you a mojito.
Gracias.
We're in Greece.
That's why my top's off.
Okay, I know I said Disneyland earlier, but I'm changing it.
How do I get to this beach? I'm sorry, it's private.
Yeah, we don't want the wrong element.
I have to say, guys, I sit here and I am kind of amazed.
You found a way to make a happy place something petty and divisive, just like the happy song, the happy memory, and our field trip to the senior center.
Ed, what about you? My happy place is my own house for the next six days.
The wife's gone to Texas to bury her aunt.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What happened? Who cares? She's a mean old troll and I'm glad she's gone to bury her aunt.
Okay, everybody, we're out of time.
I will see you all next week.
Oh, and, Ed, remember, if you have any issues, Nolan's your anger buddy.
Oh, do I really have to have Nolan? Yes.
We picked names out of a hat.
We drew straws.
I even played eenie meenie miney mo.
Bottom line nobody ever likes their anger buddy, so we're done.
Oh, and, Ed, we were all offended by your version of eenie meenie miney mo.
From now on, let's just stick with tiger.
- Hey, Dad.
- Group's over? Yeah, we can watch the game now.
God, you smell like an ashtray.
There was a fire at the dry cleaners.
You're smoking again, aren't you? Leave me alone.
I'm going through a lot of stress with this divorce.
I need something to help me relax.
Yeah, but those things will slowly kill you.
The key word being slowly.
Look, it's my life and I can do with it what I want.
Besides, you know I've been trying to quit for years and I just can't.
You have to quit.
You're a huge influence on your granddaughter.
Just yesterday she told me it was about to rain 'cause she could feel it in her hip.
Oh.
Hello, guys.
Kate, perfect timing.
Are you still doing cognitive behavior work with smokers? Yeah, I've tried to stop, but I just can't seem to quit.
That really kills at addiction seminars.
Forget it, Charlie.
And no offense, Kate, but I can't see how any shrink could ever get me to quit smoking.
Really? Well, I'm not just any shrink.
Be at my office tomorrow at 9:00 sharp.
You will sit there, you will shut up.
It will take five sessions.
You will be cured.
Charlie, kitchen, now.
Whoa.
That is one very bossy, frightening woman.
Hands off, she's mine.
What's up? You left this in my cupboard.
Travel-sized deodorant which you left there because you think you'll eventually sleep over and use it in the morning.
Fine, you got me.
I guess I owe you a travel-sized apology.
This is couples stuff, Charlie, and we're not a couple.
We don't leave personal things at each other's houses, we don't do bed and breakfast, and I don't send you out to the store to buy me tampons.
I have no problem buying you tampons.
That way we could go horseback riding, swimming, play beach volleyball any day of the month.
It's not just a deodorant, Charlie, it's a symbol.
It is a perfumed cover-up that can't mask the stink of a sweaty armpit that is a relationship.
Fine, I'll take it back.
But just keep in mind one day you're gonna be on your deathbed and you're gonna regret never being in a big sweaty armpit.
Anger Management 2x19 - Charlie, Kate and Jen Get Romantic Original air date May 23, 2013 Hey, Sam.
Come on, Sam.
You know you're gonna have to talk to me sooner or later.
What's going on? Sam's decided not to talk to Martin until he actually quits smoking.
Hey, I got a better idea.
How about Sam starts smoking and Martin quits talking? - Charlie.
- Oh, come on.
He'll be quiet and she'll look cool.
Listen, princess, I know you're just doing this to pressure me into quitting sooner, but I just want you to know that if I died tomorrow and you're still not talking to me, you shouldn't feel guilty.
- Don't say that, Grandpa.
- Aha! I got you.
You amateur.
Hey, Martin, we picked up a few things to help you quit.
- All right, got nicotine gum.
- Oh.
Sunflower seeds.
And from the hospital just to scare you, a cancerous lung.
- What? - I'm just kidding.
It's fudge.
Oh.
Wow, you can't light the pilot on a water heater, but you can make a lung out of fudge? Don't pay any attention to him, Jen.
This is very thoughtful of you.
My son was a damn fool to let you go.
Thank you, Martin, but he was a fool long before that.
Pilot light.
What? Hey, thanks for the goodies, Jen.
So how did your first session with Kate go? I think her plan is to kill me before the cigarettes do.
Just don't give up.
You're my dad and I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to you.
Uh-huh.
What do you want, Charlie? Yeah, that might have been pushing it.
I need a little help with Kate.
I want to take her away on a romantic weekend, but she'll never go for that.
She'll say it's too coupley.
I'm not surprised.
She's a cold, cold woman.
You're only saying that 'cause she's forcing you to quit smoking.
Well, and her personality.
I need you to pretend you're going up to Monterey Bay with me for the weekend to race cars.
But here's the deal.
I need you to drop out at the last second.
That'll force Kate to go.
I don't know why you keep pushing this rock uphill when you've got Jen in your life.
Dad, it is over between me and Jen.
She's the past, Kate's the future.
Sure, she's a dystopian future where machines take the place of people, but I find that exciting.
Are you gonna help me or not? All right.
But you're gonna owe me big-time.
I already pay your rent, your cable, and make your car payment.
Yeah, it's gonna be a challenge, but I'll come up with something.
Hey.
How'd it go today? She had me write a good-bye letter to cigarettes.
"We have a toxic relationship.
" "You're a waste of time and money and will drive me to an early grave.
" Wow, that's just like the letter I wrote to you last Father's Day.
You're part of a support group.
You should be a little more encouraging.
Oh, I am.
In fact, this weekend we're going to the Monterey Racing School to celebrate his not smoking.
Right, Dad? Wait a minute.
Did you say we're going this weekend? Yeah, everything's set.
Oh, Charlie, I am so sorry.
I forgot I've got a funeral.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Who died? Steve.
Steve died, of course.
- Oh, no, Steve died? - Yes.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.
You guys worked together at that company for years and years.
At that company.
That was a great company.
All the years at at that company.
- With Steve.
- With Steve.
Well, if you're not going, I'll just have to eat the deposit on the race time and the hotel.
I'd invite this one to race, but when I kick her ass, she'd go crazy.
Like you'd kick my ass.
Oh, please, Kate.
You've read the studies.
Men have far superior hand-eye coordination.
You, however, have terrific shoes and purse coordination.
I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back.
In fact, I have.
Maybe I'll get Michael to go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm going.
- No, Kate, please.
- I'm going.
All right, fine.
I'll pick you up tomorrow night.
Great, or you can follow me up there.
That way you can get used to eating my dust.
You couldn't come up with a name of a company? Hey, I came up with Steve.
Who is it? It's your anger buddy, Nolan.
You called me.
I said I was coming over.
I'm here.
Just come on in.
I never lock the door.
I've got a gun.
I got here as quick as I could.
What are you so upset about? I finally get the house to myself and my damn neighbor decides to fix his damn motorcycle.
He revs it up in his driveway.
Never stops.
He's not doing it now.
What are you, an anger buddy or motorcycle detective? Grab a beer and sit down.
The game's about to start.
Park it in that dent where the missus always sits.
Springs are no match for that woman.
Okay, but I'm not really into sports.
Nobody's asking you to do color commentary.
All I want you to do is sit here with me until I'm not angry anymore.
I'm still angry.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Dad.
How'd the weekend go with Kate? We had fun.
The instructor said she could have been a professional race car driver if she cared a little more about not dying.
So are we watching the game tonight? No, actually, I'm calling in my favor.
You, me, Jen, and Sam are all going bowling tonight.
That's your favor? A bowling night? Hey, we haven't gone out as a family in forever.
I know you don't like hanging out with me, but you're just gonna have to put up with it tonight.
That's what I want.
Wow, I didn't realize you felt so cut off from the family.
I thought I was doing a better job of hiding that.
Just do this for your old man tonight and we're even.
- You got it.
- Thank you.
- Hey, guys.
- Wow.
Jen, look at you.
You look fantastic.
So, Dad, I'm guessing it's the grand opening at the bowling alley? - Bowling alley? - He's mispronouncing it.
It's Bocelli.
Andrea Bocelli.
The Italian tenor.
You guys are going to his concert tonight.
But what about you? I thought you were going.
I pulled my back out.
I can't go.
Carrying the casket at Steve's funeral.
I wish I could join you, but I'm afraid you two are gonna have to see Bocelli alone.
He's that blind opera singer.
I saw him on "Sesame Street" once.
He crushed it.
Now go on.
Get dressed, Charlie.
The limousine just arrived.
No way! You got a limo? You're trying to put us back together, you son of a bitch.
Hey, I can understand why you're upset.
But don't worry.
We can go bowling tomorrow night.
Yes.
Well, how'd it go with Jen? You're still here? You've got to leave.
She's on her way in and she's planning on spending the night.
Oh, my God, Charlie! That's wonderful news.
Yeah, well, what can I say? There we were sitting under the stars and I saw that twinkle in her eyes that I used to love.
And long story short, I think we're getting back together.
Yes! I can't believe it.
And you shouldn't.
She got drunk on limo booze and spent half the night talking way too loud and yelling out for Bocelli to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody," which is her, and I quote, "favorite opera song ever.
" Oh, come on, it couldn't have been that bad.
No? Do you know how embarrassing it is to have a blind opera singer glaring in your general direction? I don't know why you can't keep an open mind.
Dad, I love Jen and I always will, but Kate is the woman I want to be with.
But she won't make a real commitment to you.
And is that what you want? I mean, would you call Kate a happy person? No, that would just piss her off.
- Good night, Dad.
- Good night, son.
Kate, it's Martin.
Listen, I know my next session isn't until Thursday, but I really need to talk to you.
Please call me back.
- Dad? - Yeah? - You still here? - Yeah.
- Go home.
- Yeah.
Hand me another beer, will you? But first, turn down that thermostat.
It's like a boiler in here.
That's six beers, Ed.
Don't you think that's enough? I'm asking you to fetch, not count.
You keep talking to me like that, I'm gonna walk right out that door.
Oh, please.
Where you gonna go? I'm gonna go to my sister's.
Wait, I don't have a sister.
What is happening here? Look, I'm sorry.
I just don't want to be left alone with my thoughts right now because I'm thinking of doing some things that I shouldn't.
There's this widow who lives across the street.
And she waters her lawn every morning wearing a bathrobe.
This morning, she smiled at me and that bathrobe was open a little bit.
She sounds like a real nice lady.
I'm saying that I haven't had another woman in 40 years.
If that woman waters her lawn tomorrow wearing that bathrobe and it pops all the way open I don't know what's gonna happen.
Don't worry.
I'm there for you.
What time does she water? My God.
You old people are like farmers.
Here you go.
It's perfectly normal to relapse.
I used to be a smoker myself, so I get it.
We use these to cope with our anxieties.
So before you were a smoker, what did you do to make yourself feel better? I would make love with my wife.
And after the divorce? She wasn't that receptive.
Well, there's usually not a lot of romance - after the divorce.
- Well, not always.
I mean, look what's going on between Charlie and Jennifer now.
- What's going on? - They're rekindling the old spark.
Jennifer and Charlie are seeing each other again? Yeah, but you knew about that, didn't you? Yes.
Of course I did.
Old news, Charlie and Jennifer.
Jennifer and Charlie.
Chennifer.
Jarlie.
It was bound to happen.
I mean, Charlie's grown up.
He's done with all the empty, meaningless affairs.
He wants to settle down now.
Well, yes.
That's that's obvious.
Yep.
You know, sometimes people just come to a place where they have to make a change in their lives.
And I couldn't be happy for him.
Er.
Happier.
Oh, God, that's good.
Kate, what's going on? Are we supposed to do something today? No.
I just wanted to stop by to give you these.
Travel-size deodorant.
Travel-size mouthwash.
And travel-size toothbrush.
I don't know how many guys are trying to spend the night at your house, but those are not mine.
Yes, they are.
I bought them for you.
So you can use them.
When you sleep over.
- Sleep over? - Yes.
Isn't that what people do when they're a couple? Wait a minute.
You want to be a couple? All right, let's get this out of the way.
- Not pregnant? - Check.
- Not dying? - Check.
Oh, my God.
Am I dying? No, just say you're happy and act stupid so we can get on with the rest of our lives.
So you're serious about this? Yes, now shut up and kiss me.
Wait a minute.
You want to kiss me and we're not having sex? My God, you are serious.
But why now? You've always been so against being exclusive.
People can change, right? Why am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? This is great.
Now we can do something crazy I've always wanted to do.
Something crazier than we usually do? Much crazier.
- You and me - Uh-huh.
- in public - Okay.
- at the mall - Mm-hmm.
holding hands.
Yay.
Ed? It's me.
I overslept.
She's not out there.
There was just a hose line on the lawn.
I'm worried.
Oh, no.
Ed, don't do it! Or at least stop doing it! Think of your wife! What the hell are you doing here? I told you I'd come over to check on you.
It's not worth it.
40 years, Ed.
Is what I'll get for killing you.
That's my wife in there.
She got home early.
I don't believe you.
I'm going to look.
I still don't know.
I've never seen your wife.
Hey, Charlie.
Glad I caught you.
You want to have some lunch? Not a good time, Dad.
The woman that I'm in an exclusive relationship with is in the next room.
Perhaps you've heard of her.
Her name is Kate.
The woman whose heart you said you could pack lobsters in wants to be my boo.
That's crazy.
Why is that crazy? She had a fear of intimacy, but because she cares so much about me, she got over it.
Overnight? Come on, you don't really believe that, do you? Why not? I had a fear of you and I got over it.
Now get out of my house! See? Wait, Charlie, the only reason she's doing this is because I told her about you and Jen.
What did you do, old man? I told her that you guys were getting back together.
- But we're not.
- Listen to me.
I was just trying to move Kate out of the way so that you'd have a real chance with Jen.
God knows I would kill for a chance to be back with my ex-wife.
The second one, of course.
Not your mother, God rest her soul.
Stop saying that.
She's not dead.
All I'm saying, son, is talk to her.
Make sure that this woman is with you for all the right reasons.
Who's with whom for what reasons? I'm sorry, Kate.
I just found out that my dad lied to you.
That whole thing about me and Jen, he made that up.
Why would you do that? Maybe I'm old-fashioned, Kate, but I believe my son should be with the mother of his child.
And he thinks the only reason you're with me is because you didn't want Jen to have me.
But we both know that's not true.
Tell him, Kate.
That's right.
Think carefully.
Really lay him out.
Anytime, sweetie.
Ahem.
You're really leaving me hanging here.
I think I should go home.
Oh, come on, don't go.
Come back in the kitchen.
We'll kick my father out and we'll talk this thing through.
I wasn't ready to be a couple, Charlie, and the Jen thing pushed me over the edge.
I know it's not your fault, but I need some time to reevaluate why I did this.
Okay, okay, so you may have gotten here for the wrong reason, but you're in the right place.
So what if my father tricked you? I tricked you into a couple's weekend in Monterey and that turned out great.
- You what? - What? You just said you tricked me into going to Monterey.
And you believed me? - That makes no sense.
- I know.
The important thing is we have each other to get through these confusing moments.
That is the problem with relationships.
The lies, the manipulations.
There's no good reason for people to be couples except for game nights and murder-suicides.
Okay, okay, so we don't have to do the couple thing.
We'll just put that on hold.
It's more than that.
I need some space.
I'm your friend.
I can be your therapist.
But that's all I can do right now.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Charlie, it's been a rough day all around.
You know, my dad and me didn't get along well either.
But there was one thing he told me You are the root of all evil and you've ruined any chance I had at happiness.
Yep, and then we'd go to bed and wait for Santa to come.