Bewitched (1964) s02e19 Episode Script

Sam.
The baby is crying.
She probably wants her bottle.
Okay, I'll be a good father and get it myself.
Darrin, the baby is crying.
She had me up and down all night long.
So would you mind if just this once I gave her her bottle by? You wouldn't? Thanks.
Samantha.
Samantha, wake up.
Samantha! What's wrong? I now have positive proof that our baby is a full-blooded witch.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Your old man has to go to work.
Darrin.
You haven't apologized to her for accusing her of being a full-blooded witch.
Now, you know that's impossible.
Why? Her mother is a witch.
But you're not.
You're a mortal.
So the most she can be is a half-blooded witch.
You're right.
I apologize.
- Good morning.
- Oh, hello.
Excuse us for barging in, but we want to give the baby a present.
In honour of being born.
Oh, Mr.
And Mrs.
Kravitz, you shouldn't have.
You see, Gladys? Just because they sent an announcement didn't mean we had to.
- Oh, Abner, stop kidding.
- He's just kidding.
- Well, come right on in.
Darrin, the Kravitzes brought Tabatha a present.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Kravitz, you shouldn't have.
Oh, don't be silly.
It was our pleasure.
Oh, is so pretty.
You are so pretty.
You're the prettiest little girl.
You're getting prettier every day.
Gladys, please, no baby talk.
It upsets my stomach worse than her cooking.
Tell them about the gift, Gladys.
Well, we got, in the baby's very own name one share of stock in Kapoopsie Woolens.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Darrin, isn't that wonderful? It certainly is.
What's Kapoopsie Woolens? It's not Kapoopsie.
It's Poughkeepsie, as in the city of the same name.
Poughkeepsie, New York.
I thought you said Kapoopsie.
I've been a stockholder in it for 20 years.
And in those 20 years, the price of the stock never went down.
Or up.
That's what makes it a sound investment.
Thank you, from both of us.
From all three of us.
You're entirely welcome.
We bought it through my cousin Julius.
If you ever need a good stockbroker, I recommend him.
His name is Cushman.
Julius Cushman.
As a matter of fact, I just happen to have one of his cards.
"One share of common stock.
Stockholder's name: Tabatha Stephens.
" Well, Tabatha, you're a Wall Street tycoon.
- I don't believe it.
- What's the matter, Julius? A stock that hasn't moved in 20 years just went up six points.
- What's the name of it? - Poughkeepsie Woolens.
Samantha.
Honey.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi, darling.
Where's Tabatha? She's upstairs.
I was just gonna take up her laundry.
I'll go with you.
As soon as I tell you what happened.
- At the office? - No.
On Wall Street.
Poughkeepsie Woolens, which opened at $9 per share closed at $15 per share.
In other words, it leaped $6.
How about that.
- I bet Tabatha brought it luck.
- That's one way of putting it.
There's another? Sam, being a devoted mother did you use a little witchcraft to put in the fix? I most certainly did not.
- That would be highly unethical.
- Okay.
I'm sorry.
But how do you explain that after 20 years this stock suddenly jumps? Easy.
After 20 years, it was probably overdue.
Honey, that isn't the way the stock market works.
Now the value of these stocks depends Hold everything.
What about your mother? What about my mother what? Maybe she used a little witchcraft to feather her granddaughter's nest.
Being highly unethical wouldn't stop her.
Darrin, be logical.
If Mother wanted to feather her granddaughter's nest she would not tamper with stocks.
She'd merely whip up a couple of million dollars cash.
You're right.
So it wasn't either one of you.
Come on, let's go see the baby.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi, my darling.
You know what? Congratulations.
Your stock went up six points.
Sam, did you see that? She smiled.
Yes.
She probably has a little gas.
No, honey.
She understood me.
I told her her stock went up six points, and she expressed satisfaction.
How can she possibly understand? She's just a baby.
She is not just a baby.
She's your baby.
Maybe Tabatha did it herself.
Maybe she used her own powers to influence the stock market.
Darling, we aren't even sure she has any powers.
We're not sure that she hasn't.
- There's only one way to find out.
- How? We'll conduct an experiment.
What kind of experiment? We'll buy a second share of stock, see what happens to it.
And we'll make it very scientific.
We'll let her pick the stock.
Darling, Tabatha can't read.
She's not old enough.
Just a minute.
Pick a stock.
Pick a stock.
Pick a stock, darling.
Pick a stock.
But she can point.
That's not pointing.
That's playing with the newspaper.
"Nelson Aerodynamics.
" Closed at $12.
I'll buy her one share tomorrow.
Sweetheart.
Don't you think it's a little silly to throw away $12 on something silly? No, honey.
We have to find out if she is or if she isn't.
- This is the only way.
- There's another way.
- What way? - Wait a year and ask her.
I'll place the order tomorrow through Mrs.
Kravitz's cousin.
Frank.
Are you familiar with a dog on the market called Nelson Aerodynamics? And how.
It's a real nothing.
Don't tell me you bought it.
Yep.
For my cousin's neighbour's baby.
And it just went up five points.
Samantha.
Samantha! Oh, I'll be right out.
I'm just heating Tabatha's bottle.
Don't you look at me so innocently.
Now, I know you don't know any better.
But you cannot tamper with the American economy.
I realize it's not your fault, and I'm not blaming you.
But it's got to stop.
Now, this is very serious, and it's very complicated.
So I want you to listen closely.
When the stocks act strangely, the public panics.
And that causes disasters like the big crash in 1929.
You wouldn't want to throw your country into another depression, would you? I don't believe it.
I simply don't believe it.
A grown man giving a lecture on the stock market to a tiny baby.
Sam, this tiny baby made herself $10 and a half in one day.
Nelson Aerodynamics closed at 22 and one-half.
It did? What are you so happy about? That means the experiment worked.
- It did? - Yes, it did.
That proves that our baby not only has powers but she uses them for her own selfish personal profit.
Darrin, maybe I know, Sam, it's not her fault.
But somehow she's got to develop a sense of responsibility.
She's a tiny baby.
I know, that's what makes it so tough.
Somehow I've got to make her realize the significance of the national economy.
Oh, my stars.
Oh, Tabatha.
Isn't Daddy funny? He thinks you've been wheeling and dealing in the stock market.
How about that.
You, a sweet, adorable baby.
And if you have, be a good girl and cut it out, huh? Hello.
Good morning, Gladys.
Julius.
Listen, I was surprised to hear that Poughkeepsie went up too.
I'll tell you why I phoned.
Your neighbour Mr.
Stephens must have some hot inside information on the mark et.
Yesterday, he bought a stock that went up 10 and a half points in one day.
So if you wanna gamble I suggest you get him to give you a few tips.
Why, thank you, Julius.
We'll do that.
Thank you for calling.
Listen, give my love to Henrietta and the parakeets.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Who called? - My cousin Julius.
Abner, if we play our cards right, we can get rich.
Did Poughkeepsie go up again? No.
We're gonna sell that stock.
And we're gonna buy what Mr.
Stephens tells us.
Julius says he must have some hot inside information.
- Gladys.
- Come on.
Let's go talk to him.
Gladys, if I say I refuse to discuss the subject further, let's drop it what would you do? - I would nag you so unmercifully you'd think I never nagged you before.
That's what I thought.
Let's go.
All right, Tabatha.
I'm gonna take your diapers upstairs, and then it's time for your bath.
He probably left for work.
Don't ring the bell until I see if his car is here.
Oh, okay.
You want your new dolly to come too? I bet you do.
All right.
As long as I only have two hands.
The garage is empty.
Let's go home and forget it.
Abner.
I'll take a wild guess.
You saw something so peculiar it exceeds the boundaries of man's imagination.
Yes.
I saw the Stephens' baby fly.
That's terrific.
Most kids her age can't even walk.
Oh, Abner, why won't you ever believe me? Gladys, where did the Stephens' baby fly to? Upstairs.
Toward her room.
She's probably made a three-point landing right in her crib.
Good morning.
- Good morning.
- You're holding the baby in your arms.
Oh, I do that a lot.
Gladys thought the baby would be in her room.
Oh, she's en route to get her bath.
Would you mind letting us come up and watch? Well, it's not that spectacular, you know.
Maybe not to you, but it would brighten up our drab lives.
Well, to tell you the truth, I'm still a little nervous.
I'm only a novice, and I'm not sure I'm ready for an audience yet.
That's okay.
We're easy to please.
Okay.
Just remember I'm still a beginner.
Abner, since when do you like to watch babies take baths? Not babies, Gladys.
Baby.
I wanna show you there's only one, a non-flier.
Oh, thank you.
There you go.
Now, you just relax.
The trick to bathing a baby is to get everything ready in advance.
My cousin says that Mr.
Stephens bought a stock that went up 10 and a half points in one day.
- Ten and a half points? - In one day.
Oh, beginner's luck.
How did Mr.
Stephens pick that stock out? Oh, just a hunch, I guess.
Maybe Tabatha gave him a tip on it.
I forgot the soap.
Excuse me.
Gladys, what are you doing? What's it look like I'm doing? I'm snooping.
Abner.
Here's today's paper, folded at the financial page.
So what? Abner, how can you be so dense? Didn't you hear her say that the baby gave him a tip? And then we find the paper in the nursery.
Don't you see? Like mother like daughter.
Gladys, can you be more specific? Well, it's obvious.
Tabatha made that stock go up And she did the same thing for Kapoopsie Woolens.
Gladys, for the last time, it's not Kapoopsie.
It's Poughkeepsie.
Alrighty.
Now, all we need is the water.
She wants the paper.
Just like kids.
They wanna play with everything but their toys.
She's not playing.
She's picking a stock.
"East South Dakota Petroleum.
" She's telling us to buy East South Dakota Petroleum.
That's funny.
I didn't hear her say a word.
Don't you see? She's bribing us.
She's telling us, "Aunt Gladys and Uncle Abner if you'll keep my secret, I'll make you rich.
" You don't have to make us rich.
We'll keep your secret if you keep ours.
- What's our secret? - Aunt Gladys is sick in the head and needs a thorough psychiatric examination which Uncle Abner is now going home to arrange.
Abner, wait! Well, that was close.
Abner.
Wait till I tell you what Mrs.
Stephens did to the water.
I just got home and saw the sign.
- "Room for rent"? - Out of necessity.
This morning, we sold our Poughkeepsie Woolens and invested all our money in East South Dakota Petroleum.
By this afternoon, it had dropped 21 points.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
And you haven't heard the worst part.
My wife says she invested in the stock because she got a magic message from your daughter.
Pathetic, isn't it? Darrin, don't yell.
You'll wake up the baby.
How can she sleep? She just destroyed the life savings of a sweet, middle-aged couple.
You're not making any sense.
Gladys got a tip from Tabatha, and the stock went down.
- That proves one thing.
- What? If Tabatha gave Mrs.
Kravitz a tip on the stock market which you believe she did and I don't Tabatha would've used her powers which you believe she has and I don't to make the stock go up, not down as she did before, which you believe she did and I don't.
- Not necessarily.
- Why not? The stock wasn't purchased in her name.
Really.
What are you doing, reporting her to the SEC? I am ordering her one share of East South Dakota Petroleum so tomorrow when it rises, it takes the Kravitzes off the hook.
May I speak to Mr.
Julius Cushman, please? Mr.
Cushman, Darrin Stephens.
Please give me the closing price on East South Dakota Petroleum.
With pleasure.
After a severe, early afternoon dip East South Dak Pet rallied to close where it opened at $30 per share.
You're kidding.
How come? I see.
Who told you? Our research department.
While I was at it I had them tell me what happened with Poughkeepsie Woolen and Nelson Aero.
Oh, what? What did happen? I see.
Well, that's very interesting, Mr.
Cushman.
No, no.
I think I'll just play it cool.
Oh, thank you.
What is interesting? Well, East South Dakota Petroleum bounced back so tomorrow the Kravitzes can sell and break even.
What made it bounce back? You wouldn't understand, honey.
It's very dull.
I think I'd find it fascinating.
What happened? Well, the earlier dip was caused by a rumour that a new oil well failed to strike oil.
Well, they found out the rumour wasn't true.
It just bounced back up.
How about Poughkeepsie Woolens? Honey, how about a martini? How about letting Tabatha off the hook? Okay.
Poughkeepsie Woolens bounced back because of the discovery of a new synthetic fabric.
And how about Nelson Aerodynamics? There's no way I can get out of this? Nope.
Nelson Aerodynamics went up because they got a government contract.
There were three logical reasons for the way the stocks acted.
- Tabatha had nothing to do with it? - You could say that.
Yes.
I did.
Now you can make me that martini.
Sam, I just had a terrible thought.
What? Supposing it appeared that there were logical reasons for the stocks bouncing around.
- Supposing she knew they'd strike oil.
- Darrin.
She knew they'd discover a new synthetic.
- You can't blame me for wondering.
- Lf you don't stop this do you know what's gonna happen? - What? You're gonna turn into another Gladys Kravitz.
You just cured me.
Thanks.
Alrighty, madam, let's see what we can do here.
- Good morning, ladies.
- Oh, good morning, Da-da.
Oh, it sure is nice sleeping in late on Sunday, right? Oh, well, we ladies wouldn't know.
We were up at 6:00.
Sam.
Is Tabatha up to her old tricks again? Hardly.
This is yesterday's sports page.
I'm using it to line the wastepaper basket.
Yeah, honey, but she put her finger on the entries at Aqueduct.
On a horse in the first race named Princess Jennie.
Darrin, you're not gonna start that again.
Well, as long as it was yesterday's paper, let's just take a look and see.
First race at Aqueduct was won by Dirty Arnold beating Princess Jennie in a photo finish.
- There, you see? - I see.
Unless Princess Jennie didn't win because she didn't have a bet on it.
Darrin, will you please? Will you please? Yes, Sam.
Will I please what? Will you please hold Tabatha while I finish lining the wastebasket? Who do you like in the fourth? Darrin.