Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e19 Episode Script

- Hey, everyone, scott and reggie here, And we have a real treat for you tonight, Because we thought it would be cool To show you the very first never-before-seen pilot episode Of comedy bang! Bang! The show sure has changed a lot Since we first started it, right, guys? - Yeah, I remember it "fawn-dly.
" [laughter.]
- I think you'll notice a few differences, But I think it's cool to see how the show's grown and evolved From when we first started it Into the comedy bang! Bang! That you know and love today.
- So sit back, relax, and enjoy.
- That's not your line.
Who told you To say something like that? - I was just riffing.
I thought people would enjoy it.
- Sit back in their chairs? What if they fall over their chair? - Yeah, but I thought people-- [late show music.]
Announcer: It's comedy bang! Bang! Tonight! Tonight's guests: Cobie smulders, Former bmx biker and extreme personality, tyler trey, Magic from the remarkable greg, And music from me, ricky nichols and the bang bang 7.
And now, say hello to a man who has a better relationship With his proctologist than with his own mama, Sco-o-ott aukerman! [cheers and applause.]
[laughter.]
- Hey, everyone, welcome To the very first comedy bang! Bang! Tonight.
[cheers and applause.]
[laughter.]
We have a great, great show for you tonight.
Cobie smulders [cheers and applause.]
From how I met your mother is here, so [cheers and applause.]
Oh, but first of all, did you hear about this? Here's something--lindsay lohan is in the news again.
Apparently, she's in trouble with the law.
I don't know, I don't know, I mean, She's been punished more severely Than the seat of kim kardashian's 501s.
[laughter and applause.]
Well, let's say hello to this guy over here.
It's ricky nichols and the bang bang 7! [soul music.]
- oh [cheers and applause.]
- [vocalizing.]
- Mm.
That sounded cool.
What was that? - Oh, don't worry about that, scott, that was just Reginald wattersmith, our keyboard player.
He just playin'.
It will not happen again.
Isn't that right, reginald? [ominous music.]
- Okay.
Hey, before we get started, Ricky, I wanted to tell you something.
- Oh, baby.
What is it? - Well, I'm home this morning, and I have to admit, I'm a little bit nervous-- - oh, I get that.
I understand that fo' sho'.
Nerves! [electric guitar shredding.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Yeah, very nervous, so I decide I want to call someone, and-- - [laughs.]
that's it.
[rock chord.]
[laughter.]
- Yeah.
Anyway, so I call my mom on the phone-- - You a funny man.
[rock riff.]
- Yes, let me get through this story, okay? - Ha! Funny story, scotty.
Funny story, man.
One, two! [rock fanfare.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Okay, well-- [drumming.]
Ooh! You know what that music means.
It is time for a little visit from chief scott-um thought-um.
[american-indian "music".]
How.
I am chief scott-um thought-um, proud comic warrior.
My verbal arrows have skewered many an a-lister.
- Ricky of the guitar.
My bow is poised.
My tongue is sharp.
What celebrity name is whispered in the wind? - Well, chief, up first we got my good friend And living legend, michael jackson! [cheers and applause.]
- ah, yes, I know of this man.
He of the "sham-on hee-hee" tribe.
[laughter.]
- indian burn! [laughter.]
- Who's next? - Up next, We have hotel heiress, paris hilton.
- Ah, yes.
I know of this squaw.
Her father's tepees rise to the heavens, But her legs spread to the coasts.
[laughter.]
- Ah.
- G, you done stripped That celebrity buffalo of all his comic potential.
- Oh, well, this is chief scott-um thought-um saying "hope I made you ha ha.
" [laughs.]
[american-indian fanfare.]
[cheers and applause.]
All right, that was fun.
Boy, I can see No reason why you won't be seeing that character For many years to come.
All right, let's get to our first guest, And let's hope she's not my last guest, 'cause that would mean my show was cancelled instantly! [laughter.]
All right, she's the beautiful star Of how I met your mother.
Please welcome cobie smulders.
[cheers and applause.]
[ska music.]
Ow! - Thanks.
- Have a seat.
This is so exciting.
My very first question For my very first guest.
- Whoo! - I've been thinking a lot about what to ask, So here we go.
How do you juggle work and family? - Oh, well, that's-- You know, it's hard sometimes - Whoo! - But, um, it's-- - [laughs.]
- Um, but, you know, I have a lot of help at home And there's-- - I bet you do.
I bet you do.
- But I think It's good for kids to be raised in an environment Where the mom is working all the time and so's the dad, You know, and-- [laughter.]
Yeah.
- Good stuff.
So you're my very first guest.
Am I your very first talk show host? - You are not, no.
I've done a few before, not-- - Cheatin' on me, huh? - Yeah.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
- ho! - So how did you get involved with "how I met your freud"? I'm sorry, freudian slip.
How I met your mother.
[laughter.]
- That's a good one.
- Thank you.
- You know, just through auditioning And things we have, so it's-- - good, good, good, good.
Ooh, sorry.
Let me just check that one off.
Little check mark means I've asked it.
- Oh, that's smart.
Yeah, maybe you could even Start a pile of the ones that you've gone through, And you can-- - okay.
No, that's good.
So-- Hope I don't reach from the pile of the ones I already did.
- No, you don't want to do that.
That would be a big mistake.
[laughter.]
- uh, okay.
So this is exciting.
My very first guest.
- That's-- um-- - This is the pile-- this is the wrong pile.
- That's the pile.
[laughter.]
- I'm gonna put this pile over here.
- Yeah.
- Hey, "mrs.
Sculders," I got a question.
Um, when--uh, When you doing your acting in, um--like, uh-- - Ricky, you don't always have to talk.
- Oh, no, but I want to.
[laughter.]
- So cobie, did you ever meet any weird people ever? - Sure, yes, I-- [laughter.]
[chuckles.]
I, uh, I used to live in new york.
I moved to new york When I was 18, and-- [audience cheers.]
Sort of this big exposure to the world And to a whole other culture for me, so-- - Can you get to it? Just get to the weird person.
- The weird person.
Somebody, I--you know, I had a roommate actually - Hmm.
- When I was in new york and she was-- - Bit of a weirdo, was she? [laughter.]
- She was a bit of a weirdo.
- Weird, weird stuff.
- Sort of weird, yes.
- Weird stuff in vancouver.
[laughter.]
- Um [scattered laughter.]
- I don't want to do that one.
I don't want to do that one.
[laughter.]
Ugh.
- Um - These are all terrible.
Oh, cobie, that reminds me, Have you ever seen ricky's bill clinton impression? - No.
- Hey, ricky.
Can you do that impression? [laughter.]
- I can't do it, obviously.
- It's great.
- It's over there.
- Yeah, no, I know.
- Turn around.
- It's funny.
- He's doing it right there.
- It's very funny.
- You're facing the wrong way.
- It's really-- - look at the impression.
- Well, I'll see it later.
You could email it to me.
- Email you an impression? What are you talking about? [audience jeers.]
what's wrong with you? - Okay, scott, you know what-- The way that your cameras are shooting me right now, It's getting my good side.
I only show my good side when I'm working.
- Is that tough? Being an actress, You're just always on camera.
- Well, you would think so.
No, but the directors that I've worked with Are always very cooperative.
Yeah, in fact I have a clip from my latest project.
[cheers and applause.]
- we can do that? - Yes.
- Okay, um-- - Is it on my-- is it gonna be-- - I don't--I have no idea.
No one's ever Brought one before.
- Sometimes, it just Comes up here, but-- [romantic music.]
- I love you.
I love looking into those big, blue eyes of yours.
- And I love looking right into your handsome face.
[both laughing.]
Now, get over here and kiss me, you hot fool.
- [coughing.]
I got--I got a hair.
- Cut! - I got a hair in my throat.
[cheers and applause.]
- huh.
Interesting movie.
- It's a great scene, isn't it? - Come on, cobie, it couldn't be that bad.
I mean, why are you hiding it? Come on, show it to us.
The folks want to see it, right? [cheers and applause.]
Right, folks? - Okay, okay.
- Settle down.
- [laughs.]
- See for yourself.
Here we go.
[dramatic music.]
- oh, my-- [all gasp and murmur.]
- Okay, put it away.
Put it away, turn around.
- I told you it was bad.
- Yeah, I know, turn around.
I don't want to see it anymore.
Okay.
Hey, you know what? I was thinking, you were talking About your good side.
- Mm-hmm.
- Should the show really be shooting me from this side? I think this is my better side.
Don't you think? [audience cheers.]
- well, now that I-- Now that I'm really looking at it, yes, That is your better side.
- Tell you what.
[audience cheers.]
we're gonna take a quick break.
We're gonna flip the set around.
We will be right back with more cobie smulders after this.
- [low chatter.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Come on back! [jazz music.]
- Folks, be sure to join us next week.
Actor will smith will be here, And he'll be joined by the legendary tom cruise.
Also paul mccartney will play abbey road in its entirety, And we'll talk basketball with mr.
Basketball himself, Robert duvall.
Additionally, We'll force-feed butter into a goose, Plus hillary clinton.
Also, singer-songwriter marvin gaye will be here Doing his rendition of francis scott key's The national anthem.
Moreover, We're gonna chop a kangaroo's head off with julia roberts, And hollywood icon giovanni ribisi will join us To talk about his new movie, stanley kubrick's Cork the mighty: A traveler's tale.
Furthermore, we're gonna blindfold And straight up seduce john grisham.
Neil simon and I are gonna contract ringworm From a local ymca shower stall, And we're gonna rotate a crank Until it opens up a bedroom window.
What's that? Two cranks? Really? We're gonna rotate two separate cranks And open up not one but two bedroom windows.
All of that plus funnyman donald sutherland.
That is next week.
[cheers and applause.]
[cheers and applause.]
[jazz music.]
- Hey, welcome back to comedy bang! Bang! We are here.
Cobie smulders is with us.
[audience cheers.]
the remarkable greg Will be out here in just a little bit.
And ricky? You know what I was doing During the entirety of the break? I was kind of tapping my pencil against this.
Doing that the whole break, wasn't I? - The whole time, yeah.
- [laughs.]
Sounds pretty cool, huh? - Oh, yeah.
Real cool.
- Oh, thank you so much.
It makes A cool pinging sound, huh? Like a-ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping - [beatboxing.]
[audience cheering.]
[continues beatboxing.]
[cheers and applause.]
- wow! That was great.
Ricky, who is that back there? [ominous music.]
- Nobody.
- Well, as they say, "one man's trash Is another man's treasure," So it's time for a little segment we like to call "one man's trash is another man's treasure.
" [jazz fanfare.]
[cheers and applause.]
All right, let's take a look at our first trashcan And see if we can correctly identify the celebrity Who threw this out, and maybe spin it into comic gold.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, first up, we have An academy award for the movie braveheart.
[audience oohs.]
hmm.
What's this? A script for the movie lethal weapon? [audience ohs.]
mm, and Anti-semitic literature.
[audience ohs.]
I think this is the trashcan of mel gibson! - Ho, there it is! [laughs.]
- Okay, let's see what's in our next trash can.
Hmm.
A single for the rock and roll song cat scratch fever.
[audience oohs.]
What's this? A lifetime membership card for the n.
R.
A.
[chuckles.]
[audience ohs.]
[clanging.]
Oh, a hunting rifle.
[audience oohs.]
Here, you want to take this? - Yeah.
[laughter.]
- Oh, look.
A taxidermied squirrel Ram And possum.
Well, I think we know whose trashcan this is.
This is the trashcan Of legendary musician ted nugent.
- Ho! The motor city madman.
Terrible ted.
The nuge.
[laughs.]
I had no idea he did cat scratch fever.
- You know what? This stuff Looks really cool, this taxidermy.
We should hang this up on the set, huh? - Ooh, yeah, decor.
- Give it kind of A "talk show meets hunting lodge" vibe? - Hunting lodges are fun.
[cheers and applause.]
- Cobie, what do you think? You want to help me Hang this stuff up? - Oh, no.
No, I have no vested interest in what you do with your set.
- Oh.
- Know what? I got to go.
Yup.
- Okay.
[cheers and applause.]
well, thanks, cobie.
- Thanks.
- Cobie smulders, everyone.
[upbeat music.]
we will be right back With the remarkable greg.
I'm gonna hang all this up while you're gone.
Come on back.
[upbeat music.]
- Hey, welcome back to the show, and hey, We took the backdrop away and all those curtains And look what was behind 'em.
[audience oohs.]
a pretty nice wall, yeah.
[cheers and applause.]
cool paintings, Hung up that taxidermy, looks good.
Well, tyler trey will be out here in just a second.
Do not worry about that, but first, Here to show us some tricks, and I'm not Talking about hugh grant's little black book, Please welcome magician, the remarkable greg.
[cheers and applause.]
[jazz music.]
- [coughs.]
- Greg, hi.
- Hi, I told your producer I have asthma.
- Greg, welcome to the show.
- Thank you.
- So I understand you're gonna show us some close-up magic.
Is that right? - Yes, yes.
Prepare yourselves for the hidden ball illusion.
- Tell you what, ricky, can we get a little music For the remarkable greg here? - I know.
[drum roll.]
- I will arouse your curiosity and thrill your senses, Hopefully.
Now, keep your eye on this ball.
- That one right there? - That one right there.
Here we go.
- Whoa! Oh, oh.
Oopsie.
[failure music.]
[both laughing.]
- Sorry, let me just get those.
Hold on.
- Uh, sure.
[mystical hum.]
[all gasp.]
[humming continues.]
- Okay.
[cheers and applause.]
- Wait a minute--wait.
How did you do that? - Huh? - Was that actual magic? - No, that was no big deal.
It's not magic.
It's just simple telekinesis.
I've always been able to do that.
It's sort of my-- - you can do telekinesis? - Eh, it's like a mutant power.
- Why are you wasting our time with this cups and ball shit If you can do real telekinesis? - Well, maybe because I practiced really hard And I want to be a magician, not a freak.
- Do you have any other powers? - I can make inanimate objects come to life.
- I would love to see an inanimate object come to life.
- Sure.
- Right, folks? [all cheering.]
- yeah, give him a little-- - Okay, yeah.
I mean, if that's what you want.
Okay.
[magical music.]
[panting.]
Ah! [lightning rumbles.]
[lightning rumbles.]
[lightning rumbles.]
[mumbles.]
[lightning rumbles.]
[whimpers.]
[lightning rumbles.]
Ta-da.
[cheers and applause.]
- I'm alive again.
Hurray! [cheers and applause.]
- Hey, scott.
- Congratulations on the new show.
It's great to be "deer.
" - My goodness, a bunch of new friends! Well, that is great.
Thank you, greg.
- Eh.
- [laughs.]
I-- - Hey, pal, why don't you stop Rubbing your junk up against my drawers, huh? [all booing.]
- oh, um, Actually, I like everybody except for-- Guys, could we 86 the, uh-- [cheers and applause.]
Sorry.
- Hey, what? - Okay, we're gonna be right back.
Thank you to the remarkable greg.
We will be right back with tyler trey.
Come on back.
- Put me down, you animals! - So youYou're a freak.
[cheers and applause.]
[rock music.]
oh, yeah, ow! - Welcome back to the show.
We're here with the remarkable greg.
Tyler trey is coming out in just a second, And boy, this show is so full, I feel like ally mcbeal after she ate a chicken mcnugget.
[silence.]
What? What happened? [silence.]
- Scott, scott, scott, scott, scott, scott, scott! - What? - Scott.
- What is it? - The basement flooded, And all the stock footage we were using to pretend We had a studio audience, it's destroyed.
- Ho ho! Cool! Floods are fun! - No, ricky, floods are not fun.
Really? No pre-recorded audience? - I'm so, so sorry.
- [sighs.]
- We did manage to salvage one piece of stock footage.
Ben, let's take a look.
[quirky music.]
- Oh! [sighs.]
the show is saved.
- Really? - No, go away.
Ugh, idiot.
All right, well, we'll just do without it.
Our next guest is an energy drink spokesman Turned video-countdown-v.
J.
/ youtube/prank show accom-- - Slash what else? What else is he slash, scott? Is he a judo master doing judo? [laughs.]
- Judo? Look, ricky, I'm sorry, But you cannot keep interrupting me all the time, okay? - Why not? - Because it's not polite To do that to another person.
- Person? What--what's that? Is that, like, one of those furry Four-legged barking things? - No, that's a-- that's a dog.
You don't even know what a person-- A person is a human being! - Yeah, you lost me.
- Look.
[sighs.]
Ricky, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to do this, But you don't even understand basic human concepts, okay? As manhattan project supervisor j.
Robert oppenheimer once said To a scientist he no longer wanted in his employ, "you're fired.
" - Fired.
I don't know what that means, but boy do it make me mad.
- You don't look mad.
- Does this show you how mad I am? - Wh-- [air whooshing.]
My set! Greg! Oh! I'm so glad I was wearing my street clothes Underneath the suit.
What was that all about, ricky? - When I get mad, I inhale things.
- But how? - Well, I think it's one of two reasons.
Either I miraculously got this power When the magician guy made everything talk, Or I've always been able to inhale things.
[eerie music.]
It's the second one.
Oh, hey, hey, scott.
[as bill clinton.]
I did not inhale.
- [laughs.]
it's pretty funny.
You're still fired.
- Fine.
Come on, y'all! Let's get out of here.
- Whoa.
Hey, guys, The rest of the band doesn't have to leave, you know? I mean, come on.
- Sorry, scott.
We don't want to be musicians anymore.
We want to start an accounting company.
- All right, well, good luck to you.
- Alley-oop.
- Reginald! You coming? - My nameIs reggie! And I like this show.
I like the fact that there's no desk.
I like the fact that he's not wearing a suit and tie, And I like the fact that there's not Some over-hyped studio audience Being prompted to laugh at topical jokes That we're all gonna forget about in the next day anyways! And scott, I like you.
So I'm staying.
- All right.
Suit yourself.
[laughs.]
- [sighs.]
[both laughing.]
- This is perfect, right? - Yeah.
- We should just do this from now on.
- We should probably just be best friends.
- Yeah.
I think that's how it usually works.
Well, that's been our show.
I want to thank our guests, cobie smulders, The remarkable greg, and my apologies to tyler trey.
We ran out of time.
All right, we'll see you next week! - comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy--hell yeah! - We'll work on it.
[comical bass notes.]
[engine revving.]
[clattering.]
- The wolf dead.