Grounded For Life (2001) s02e19 Episode Script
216 - Eddie and This Guy with Diamonds
Oh! This dishwashing liquid isn't cruelty-free! I know.
Well, why did you buy it after I told you it wasn't?! Because I like it.
They probably tested it by making kittens drink it.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Do you even understand what cruelty-free means? Do you know what's not cruelty-free? This conversation, all right? So lay off, or I'm gonna test my fingernails on your little eyeballs.
Hey, mom, what does veal taste like? You bought veal?! Oh, give me a break, all right? I'm making something special for your dad for our anniversary.
Oh.
Veal tastes like a baby animal who has lived its entire life in a tiny crate.
Wow.
Must be tender.
Yeah, it is.
Let's cross the street.
Come on.
But our car is on this side.
Mm-hmm.
She doesn't want us near the convicts.
Whoa! Those guys are convicts? No, they're not convicts.
They're performing a public service.
Huh.
That's nice of them.
Because they were convicted of a crime.
It's still nice.
Yes, it is.
Dad's nice.
Yeah, he is.
Why do you say that? 'Cause he's over there helping those convicts.
Whoa, dad was scrubbing graffiti off a wall? Yup.
What'd he do? We don't know.
I hope he robbed a bank.
Then we'd be rich.
Well, he obviously didn't get away with it, moron.
He's scrubbing graffiti off a wall.
You know, I wonder if he lifts weights with a bunch of murderers all day.
All right, look, just because your father was scrubbing graffiti under the supervision of a policeman and he never told me, his wife-- Tells me he's at softball league on our anniversary-- Mom, isn't that enough soap? Oh, your dad's a criminal.
Who cares? Claudia? Well, hey, you're home! Yeah, baby.
Hi.
How was softball? Oh, it was great.
It was great.
You know, coach has me out in left field, and I said, hey, I got a great arm.
Put me in the hot pocket, but Why doesn't he? Oh, you know, he's got his son-in-law at third.
He's a great guy.
He's big, but he's kinda slow.
You know, but it's a 10-game season, so I got a lot of Saturdays to prove myself.
God, that feels so good.
I'm so sore, you know? Yeah, I know.
So what were you convicted of? What? I saw you scrubbing graffiti! Your children saw you scrubbing graffiti.
What did you do? Aw, it was no big thing.
Well, then why the hell did you keep it a secret from-- OK, now you're overreacting! Oh, I'm sorry.
What's the appropriate reaction to finding out your husband's on a chain gang? It's not a chain gang, you know? It's--it's a government-sponsored service program.
So you're like an astronaut? OK, you know what? None of this would have happened if you hadn't been playing games with our anniversary.
What are you talking about? The gift thing.
We went over and over that.
No gifts this year.
I agree.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
You know what? We'll just end up spending too much money on some stupid crap that we don't need just to prove something that we already know.
Right.
Which is? That we love each other.
Of course.
Of course.
Yeah, right.
No gifts.
No gifts.
And I meant it.
Yeah, and for a while there I almost believed you.
I'm telling you.
Her exact words were "no gifts this year.
" So, uh, what are you getting her? Nothing.
[Chuckling.]
What? In 30 years of marriage, every Christmas, every birthday your mother would say to me, "don't get me anything.
" And the one time I didn't, holy Hannah! Sean, women say they don't want you to get them anything 'cause they want you to want to get them something.
It's proof of your desire to please them.
Yeah, but I'm terrible at picking stuff out for her, you know? It's a unicorn.
Oh.
It's a home yogurt maker.
Oh.
It's an emergency light.
It's got a TV and a radio, and it's got a siren.
Oh.
It's for emergencies.
[Siren blares.]
By the way, thanks for the yogurt machine.
She never even opened the box.
That makes 2 of us.
Hey, don't worry, Sean.
I got the perfect thing.
Dad, that was mom's.
Your mother cried when I gave it to her.
And I can have it? It would be an honor.
Thanks, dad.
Aah! Dad! What? What the hell is that? Oh, I'm giving this to your mother for our anniversary.
You like it? It's grotesque! He used to be alive scampering through the forest looking for nuts.
Oh, come on, Lily.
It's a fox.
It didn't eat nuts.
It ate, like, you know, bunnies.
Oh, and for that we killed it? It was killed, like, over 30 years ago.
It would have been dead by now anyway.
Oh, so that lets you off the hook? Oh, OK.
OK, Miss Hypocrite, what about your shoes? Were do you think we get the leather for those, huh? We don't know how this cow died.
Oh, no, but it probably died leaving a little note saying, "please cut my skin into little strips and make a belt for Lily Finnerty.
" Hmm? Oh, God! I didn't think about that.
No.
I am just as guilty as the butcher who created this-- This hideous souvenir of suffering.
But do you think your mom'll like it? Well, no wonder Lily's been so annoying.
You traumatized her.
Don't worry about it, baby, because I didn't get it for you anyway.
Why? Because you were too busy paying off your debt to society? No.
Because, I, uh I got you this instead.
Come on! I told you I didn't want anything! Then don't open it.
Well, I'm not going to.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby.
You ready to go? You know what? I was thinking about it, and I don't really want to go.
Wha--what? No, no, no.
See, you have to go because this is donkey basketball.
Dean, don't you think it's kind of barbaric? No.
It's nuns on donkeys playing basketball.
Yeah, and, you know, it is for charity.
To hell with charity.
It's just fun.
Whoa! I'm open! I'm--aah! Girl: Go, Sister Anne! Whoo! Ohh-h-h-h-h! Whoo! It just seems so cruel.
It's no more cruel than what do in the nba.
They don't ride on donkeys.
Well, they should.
I wish they could donkey-up, like, every sport.
Like donkey baseball.
Or donkey tennis.
Donkey bowling.
Donkey horse racing.
Yeah, a guy on a donkey on a horse.
A nun on a donkey on a horse.
A guy on a nun on a donkey on a horse.
Yeah! Can we just let the donkeys be? [Donkey brays.]
What the hell was that? [Horn honks.]
Hey, get out of my parking space! There's a donkey out there.
That is so weird.
Get out! [Honks horn.]
Is it, like, a key chain with a little light on it? Doesn't matter.
You don't want it.
It's too light to be a paperweight.
Come on, just open it.
No, no.
Come on.
Come on.
OK, I will.
Diamond earrings? Oh, my God.
These are so beautiful.
See? How can we afford these? Aw, baby, you're worth it.
Oh, sweetie.
Oh, my God.
You're crazy.
Whoo! I can't believe you.
I know.
I gave you all the crap about that stupid community service thing.
Yeah, you did, uh-huh.
Oh, my God, you stole these! No, I didn't.
Oh How'd you get 'em? It was complicated.
Oh, just take 'em back.
No, no! Take them back! I'm not taking 'em back.
Take 'em back! I don't want 'em! Aw, great! Now they're under the fridge.
Well, good.
Good? I went through a lot to get these things.
You know what? I don't wanna know.
Baby, I just wanted to get you something special.
Diamond earrings.
She'll like those, right? Which ones, the brownish ones? They're brownish? It's not that noticeable 'cause they're so small.
Yeah, but they're the only ones I can afford, and I can't even afford these.
That's your problem.
You fall for the big lie.
The big lie? In Africa, the riverbeds are full of diamonds.
People pick 'em up, skip 'em on the pond.
They use diamonds as aquarium gravel.
Oh, really, do they? Yeah.
The diamond cartel doesn't want you to know that.
Fortunately, I know a guy who works outside the system.
No way.
Give him a chance.
Forget it.
He's been in the business 20 years.
He owns a shop.
He's never steered me wrong.
You're saying this guy's legit? He's legit.
He sells vcrs.
And diamonds.
Like wal mart.
Shouldn't it say somewhere that he sells diamonds? Yeah, right, like he's gonna advertise for the cartel.
"Here I am.
Come shoot me.
" Hey, man, I'm not looking for a VCR.
I know what you're looking for.
See, man, I told you he was legit.
Hey, I want a bomb pop.
You want a bomb pop? Nah.
I'm gonna go get a bomb pop.
Take care of my boy.
See anything you like? Yeah.
I mean, these ones here, they're great.
It's just I'm afraid they're out of my price range probably.
Don't be so sure.
What's your price range? I don't know.
300 bucks.
They're yours! Great.
Police! Hands where we can see 'em! Come on.
Giddy-up.
Yaah, mule! Mush.
Man: Get out of the street! Aw, relax, you jerk! Hey, grandpa, why don't you tell that guy to kiss your "Ass"? Oh, man, that's brilliant.
All right, I hate to have to resort to this, but Ooh, careful, grandpa.
That's one big "Ass.
" Grandpa, no! Don't you dare hurt that sweet animal.
I know.
It's such a sweet "ass".
It's a donkey.
So call it a donkey.
Here, you park the car, Bon jovi.
Brad, what is this donkey doing here? It followed me home.
I--I think I smell like peanut butter.
What's with all the donkeys? What are you talking about? There's another one in the middle of the belt parkway.
I got stuck for an hour.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, this one won't get out of grandpa's parking spot.
You're never gonna get him to move like that.
[Whispers.]
[Brays.]
How'd you do that? I saw a thing on animal planet.
Come on, Claudia, get down here and gimme a hand.
No way.
That would make me an accessory.
All right, I'm here to pick up the kids.
Forget about it, dad.
Our anniversary plans hit kind of a kink.
Sean's a felon.
It was some kind of misdemeanor.
Oh, and here's the man who made it all possible.
What? What did I do? I didn't do anything.
I can't believe you're showing up here after what happened.
Oh, you know, I don't carry grudges.
You? Why would you carry a grudge? You're the one who got me thrown in the can.
Sean.
How you doin'? How the hell do you think I'm doing, man? I'm in jail.
They took my shoelaces.
They took my belt.
They do that.
It's no big deal.
Oh, yeah? [Pants drop.]
I don't think you wanna be doing that.
[Clicks tongue.]
Where the hell have you been? Where have I been? I've been procuring for you the finest litigator available.
I get you off, or you don't pay.
Isn't that that scuzbag lawyer who advertises on channel 94? Eww, Walt.
Isn't 94 the porno channel? No, no, no.
On my cable system, Yeah.
No, no, it is.
Let's find those earrings.
On 3.
1, 2-- Wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop.
Wait, wait.
Hold on.
Wait.
OK, go ahead.
Get out of here, you stupid donkeys! Brad, calm down.
I can't.
OK, what did you and geek boy do? Don't tell him.
This was our special adventure.
Uch, Brad Is this why you've been acting so weird? OK, look, the donkeys were being exploited, and I tried to do something about it, but nobody would listen.
Oh, now who is this? This is beulah.
Oh Nice girl.
Sister Helen? One moment, Lily.
She fast? She's spunky.
So am I.
Beulah will be mine.
All right.
See you later.
Sister Helen, you can't go through with this.
It's cruel and wrong.
Lily, I assure you, the animals will not be mistreated in any way.
Sister Beatrice weighs, like, 300 pounds.
Letting her ride a donkey is It's unchristian.
Oh, really? How's it unchristian? Jesus would not want people to ride around on donkeys.
His mother rode a donkey into Bethlehem.
Perhaps you've heard the story? Yes, and after that, God gave donkeys freedom from labor.
Oh, did he? Yes.
And where in the Bible does it say that? It's in the book of Jebba Dalaya.
Jebbadalaya? Hey, I am out there trying to do God's work, OK? I don't have time to read his book.
Mmm Still doesn't explain why there's a donkey in the street.
Look, I did what I had to do.
Come on, donkeys.
You're free.
Run away.
Go.
Fly.
I don't think they want to.
Oh, it's because they think it's a trick.
They've been hurt so many times.
Hey, cut it out, donkey! Gimme the sandwich.
Ah-ah-ah [brays.]
Good donkeys! I was hungry.
[Braying.]
How could you do that? I just thought that the donkeys should, you know, be--be released back into the wild.
This is Staten Island.
There is no wild.
OK, yeah, so it's easy to say that I was being stupid now.
Yeah, very easy.
There's a donkey in your yard.
All right, look, Dean-o, I'm sorry that--that you don't give a damn about the many creatures that we share our earth with, but me and Lily do.
We are bonded together by our passion for animals Including each other.
What? Brad.
We aren't anything.
So what, wa-was this just some kind of fling? A fling? We broke into a donkey trailer.
Well, I'll never forget what we had.
You never had anything! Oh, just go keep tellin' yourself that! [Grunts.]
Aah! All right.
All right, baby, after all I've been through, the least you can do is to try these on for me.
I'm not wearing stolen earrings.
They're not stolen.
I bought 'em.
From someone who stole them.
Boy, she's really hard to shop for.
Eddie, enough! Enough out of you, all right? Touchy.
Yeah, I'm touchy! You got me 100 hours of community service! I think you should look inward, my brother.
Therefore, my honor, if, uh, my client is indeed not a de facto defendant per se, then indeed, he should not, indeed he must not-- What the hell are you talking about? Objection, my honor.
You can't object to me.
Sustained.
[Sighs.]
Unh, unh.
I told you he's good.
He's got her on the ropes now.
Are you crazy? The man's incoherent.
Therefore, I must remind you-- Stop.
Just stop talking now.
Now look, since your client has no priors and the evidence is only circumstantial, I'm inclined to let him off with $100 fine.
A fine? My honor, if I may review the facts.
Well? Well, what? A thank you would be nice.
I don't know.
What, you want me to thank you? Oh, OK.
You know what, Sean? I'm through with you.
Oh, you're through with me? Yeah.
Oh, you're through with me? Yeah, I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after you-- I helped you save your marriage, I find you high quality merchandise at an excellent price, I spend my Saturday afternoon visiting you in jail, and I hire you a lawyer, a lawyer who's been on television, and what do you do? You sit there like a freakin' ingrate.
You know what? You're welcome.
I'm gonna kill you, Eddie! I'm gonna kill you-- Bailiff! Bailiff! You shut up! I'll kill you! I-- [buzz.]
Aah! [Whimpers.]
I recruise myself, my honor.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Better take his belt.
You got 100 hours of community service for beating up your own brother? Yep, and it was worth it.
Yeah.
Hey, you know, Sean, you really hurt me, you know that? My neck was wrenched.
I got, uh, limited range motion in my shoulder.
I endured a lot of emotional distress.
You're preparing a lawsuit, aren't you? I've been instructed not to discuss it.
[Sighs.]
Ed, look, OK, look, I'm sorry, all right? I know you were trying to help me out, and I--and I-- I--I shouldn't have attacked you.
OK, that's all I wanted to hear.
Good.
If--if I guy tries to serve you papers tomorrow, just throw 'em away.
Wow.
All this happened because you didn't believe me that I didn't want anything? That's right.
Because you don't take your wife at her word.
Yeah, I get it.
You should've given her the stole.
Walt.
Every woman should have a fur.
It could give you a little class.
OK, you know what? Dad--dad, it's time to go home.
What? What did I say? Just go.
Please.
Fine.
I'll save the stole for Lily.
Yeah, take it.
It's in the closet.
I don't know why everybody's bitin' my head off.
Oh, hey, look.
This fell.
Oh, just-- just leave it.
I'll get it later.
All right.
Baby, what-- [laughs nervously.]
What is that? Nothing.
What is it! [Laughs.]
Oh, yeah.
I'm-a tickle.
Tickle, tickle.
Whoo! Oh, my God, Claudia.
[Sighs.]
OK, I might have gotten you something.
[Imitating claudia.]
Oh, didn't I make it clear that we're not to buy each other gifts this year? Yes, well, I did, but then I just anticipated that you might do some kind of dumb thing like get me a gift, which you did, and I didn't want to be caught without, so really the only thing you could be mad about was that I was right, which I was.
Was that an apology? Yes, shut up.
OK, look I'll shut up if you just try these things on, please.
OK.
Fine.
OK.
Man, they're pretty.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! These are amazing! You look great in them, too.
I really do? Thank you, baby.
You're welcome, mama.
You're welcome.
Oh.
I really gotta get you somethin' better.
You know, I am just so happy you're glad 'cause you don't know what I went through to get those things.
I know.
I know, but when they arrested you, didn't they search you? Yeah.
How come they didn't find the hot diamonds? You know, I just, uh-- You what? You know, I was In the squad car going to the station, and, you know, I swallowed 'em.
You swallowed them? Yeah, but it was totally cool, 'cause next day, you know, I just-- I got 'em back.
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, get 'em off me! Claude, I washed them! Donkeys, we have peanut butter for you! Do you see anything? Mm-mmm.
How far could donkeys go? Mm-mm-mm.
Give me the peanut butter.
Where's the peanut butter? Mm-mm-mm.
Brad, open your mouth.
[Mouth full.]
I'm sorry, Lily.
I was hungry.
Oh, I can't believe you!
Well, why did you buy it after I told you it wasn't?! Because I like it.
They probably tested it by making kittens drink it.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Do you even understand what cruelty-free means? Do you know what's not cruelty-free? This conversation, all right? So lay off, or I'm gonna test my fingernails on your little eyeballs.
Hey, mom, what does veal taste like? You bought veal?! Oh, give me a break, all right? I'm making something special for your dad for our anniversary.
Oh.
Veal tastes like a baby animal who has lived its entire life in a tiny crate.
Wow.
Must be tender.
Yeah, it is.
Let's cross the street.
Come on.
But our car is on this side.
Mm-hmm.
She doesn't want us near the convicts.
Whoa! Those guys are convicts? No, they're not convicts.
They're performing a public service.
Huh.
That's nice of them.
Because they were convicted of a crime.
It's still nice.
Yes, it is.
Dad's nice.
Yeah, he is.
Why do you say that? 'Cause he's over there helping those convicts.
Whoa, dad was scrubbing graffiti off a wall? Yup.
What'd he do? We don't know.
I hope he robbed a bank.
Then we'd be rich.
Well, he obviously didn't get away with it, moron.
He's scrubbing graffiti off a wall.
You know, I wonder if he lifts weights with a bunch of murderers all day.
All right, look, just because your father was scrubbing graffiti under the supervision of a policeman and he never told me, his wife-- Tells me he's at softball league on our anniversary-- Mom, isn't that enough soap? Oh, your dad's a criminal.
Who cares? Claudia? Well, hey, you're home! Yeah, baby.
Hi.
How was softball? Oh, it was great.
It was great.
You know, coach has me out in left field, and I said, hey, I got a great arm.
Put me in the hot pocket, but Why doesn't he? Oh, you know, he's got his son-in-law at third.
He's a great guy.
He's big, but he's kinda slow.
You know, but it's a 10-game season, so I got a lot of Saturdays to prove myself.
God, that feels so good.
I'm so sore, you know? Yeah, I know.
So what were you convicted of? What? I saw you scrubbing graffiti! Your children saw you scrubbing graffiti.
What did you do? Aw, it was no big thing.
Well, then why the hell did you keep it a secret from-- OK, now you're overreacting! Oh, I'm sorry.
What's the appropriate reaction to finding out your husband's on a chain gang? It's not a chain gang, you know? It's--it's a government-sponsored service program.
So you're like an astronaut? OK, you know what? None of this would have happened if you hadn't been playing games with our anniversary.
What are you talking about? The gift thing.
We went over and over that.
No gifts this year.
I agree.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
You know what? We'll just end up spending too much money on some stupid crap that we don't need just to prove something that we already know.
Right.
Which is? That we love each other.
Of course.
Of course.
Yeah, right.
No gifts.
No gifts.
And I meant it.
Yeah, and for a while there I almost believed you.
I'm telling you.
Her exact words were "no gifts this year.
" So, uh, what are you getting her? Nothing.
[Chuckling.]
What? In 30 years of marriage, every Christmas, every birthday your mother would say to me, "don't get me anything.
" And the one time I didn't, holy Hannah! Sean, women say they don't want you to get them anything 'cause they want you to want to get them something.
It's proof of your desire to please them.
Yeah, but I'm terrible at picking stuff out for her, you know? It's a unicorn.
Oh.
It's a home yogurt maker.
Oh.
It's an emergency light.
It's got a TV and a radio, and it's got a siren.
Oh.
It's for emergencies.
[Siren blares.]
By the way, thanks for the yogurt machine.
She never even opened the box.
That makes 2 of us.
Hey, don't worry, Sean.
I got the perfect thing.
Dad, that was mom's.
Your mother cried when I gave it to her.
And I can have it? It would be an honor.
Thanks, dad.
Aah! Dad! What? What the hell is that? Oh, I'm giving this to your mother for our anniversary.
You like it? It's grotesque! He used to be alive scampering through the forest looking for nuts.
Oh, come on, Lily.
It's a fox.
It didn't eat nuts.
It ate, like, you know, bunnies.
Oh, and for that we killed it? It was killed, like, over 30 years ago.
It would have been dead by now anyway.
Oh, so that lets you off the hook? Oh, OK.
OK, Miss Hypocrite, what about your shoes? Were do you think we get the leather for those, huh? We don't know how this cow died.
Oh, no, but it probably died leaving a little note saying, "please cut my skin into little strips and make a belt for Lily Finnerty.
" Hmm? Oh, God! I didn't think about that.
No.
I am just as guilty as the butcher who created this-- This hideous souvenir of suffering.
But do you think your mom'll like it? Well, no wonder Lily's been so annoying.
You traumatized her.
Don't worry about it, baby, because I didn't get it for you anyway.
Why? Because you were too busy paying off your debt to society? No.
Because, I, uh I got you this instead.
Come on! I told you I didn't want anything! Then don't open it.
Well, I'm not going to.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby.
You ready to go? You know what? I was thinking about it, and I don't really want to go.
Wha--what? No, no, no.
See, you have to go because this is donkey basketball.
Dean, don't you think it's kind of barbaric? No.
It's nuns on donkeys playing basketball.
Yeah, and, you know, it is for charity.
To hell with charity.
It's just fun.
Whoa! I'm open! I'm--aah! Girl: Go, Sister Anne! Whoo! Ohh-h-h-h-h! Whoo! It just seems so cruel.
It's no more cruel than what do in the nba.
They don't ride on donkeys.
Well, they should.
I wish they could donkey-up, like, every sport.
Like donkey baseball.
Or donkey tennis.
Donkey bowling.
Donkey horse racing.
Yeah, a guy on a donkey on a horse.
A nun on a donkey on a horse.
A guy on a nun on a donkey on a horse.
Yeah! Can we just let the donkeys be? [Donkey brays.]
What the hell was that? [Horn honks.]
Hey, get out of my parking space! There's a donkey out there.
That is so weird.
Get out! [Honks horn.]
Is it, like, a key chain with a little light on it? Doesn't matter.
You don't want it.
It's too light to be a paperweight.
Come on, just open it.
No, no.
Come on.
Come on.
OK, I will.
Diamond earrings? Oh, my God.
These are so beautiful.
See? How can we afford these? Aw, baby, you're worth it.
Oh, sweetie.
Oh, my God.
You're crazy.
Whoo! I can't believe you.
I know.
I gave you all the crap about that stupid community service thing.
Yeah, you did, uh-huh.
Oh, my God, you stole these! No, I didn't.
Oh How'd you get 'em? It was complicated.
Oh, just take 'em back.
No, no! Take them back! I'm not taking 'em back.
Take 'em back! I don't want 'em! Aw, great! Now they're under the fridge.
Well, good.
Good? I went through a lot to get these things.
You know what? I don't wanna know.
Baby, I just wanted to get you something special.
Diamond earrings.
She'll like those, right? Which ones, the brownish ones? They're brownish? It's not that noticeable 'cause they're so small.
Yeah, but they're the only ones I can afford, and I can't even afford these.
That's your problem.
You fall for the big lie.
The big lie? In Africa, the riverbeds are full of diamonds.
People pick 'em up, skip 'em on the pond.
They use diamonds as aquarium gravel.
Oh, really, do they? Yeah.
The diamond cartel doesn't want you to know that.
Fortunately, I know a guy who works outside the system.
No way.
Give him a chance.
Forget it.
He's been in the business 20 years.
He owns a shop.
He's never steered me wrong.
You're saying this guy's legit? He's legit.
He sells vcrs.
And diamonds.
Like wal mart.
Shouldn't it say somewhere that he sells diamonds? Yeah, right, like he's gonna advertise for the cartel.
"Here I am.
Come shoot me.
" Hey, man, I'm not looking for a VCR.
I know what you're looking for.
See, man, I told you he was legit.
Hey, I want a bomb pop.
You want a bomb pop? Nah.
I'm gonna go get a bomb pop.
Take care of my boy.
See anything you like? Yeah.
I mean, these ones here, they're great.
It's just I'm afraid they're out of my price range probably.
Don't be so sure.
What's your price range? I don't know.
300 bucks.
They're yours! Great.
Police! Hands where we can see 'em! Come on.
Giddy-up.
Yaah, mule! Mush.
Man: Get out of the street! Aw, relax, you jerk! Hey, grandpa, why don't you tell that guy to kiss your "Ass"? Oh, man, that's brilliant.
All right, I hate to have to resort to this, but Ooh, careful, grandpa.
That's one big "Ass.
" Grandpa, no! Don't you dare hurt that sweet animal.
I know.
It's such a sweet "ass".
It's a donkey.
So call it a donkey.
Here, you park the car, Bon jovi.
Brad, what is this donkey doing here? It followed me home.
I--I think I smell like peanut butter.
What's with all the donkeys? What are you talking about? There's another one in the middle of the belt parkway.
I got stuck for an hour.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, this one won't get out of grandpa's parking spot.
You're never gonna get him to move like that.
[Whispers.]
[Brays.]
How'd you do that? I saw a thing on animal planet.
Come on, Claudia, get down here and gimme a hand.
No way.
That would make me an accessory.
All right, I'm here to pick up the kids.
Forget about it, dad.
Our anniversary plans hit kind of a kink.
Sean's a felon.
It was some kind of misdemeanor.
Oh, and here's the man who made it all possible.
What? What did I do? I didn't do anything.
I can't believe you're showing up here after what happened.
Oh, you know, I don't carry grudges.
You? Why would you carry a grudge? You're the one who got me thrown in the can.
Sean.
How you doin'? How the hell do you think I'm doing, man? I'm in jail.
They took my shoelaces.
They took my belt.
They do that.
It's no big deal.
Oh, yeah? [Pants drop.]
I don't think you wanna be doing that.
[Clicks tongue.]
Where the hell have you been? Where have I been? I've been procuring for you the finest litigator available.
I get you off, or you don't pay.
Isn't that that scuzbag lawyer who advertises on channel 94? Eww, Walt.
Isn't 94 the porno channel? No, no, no.
On my cable system, Yeah.
No, no, it is.
Let's find those earrings.
On 3.
1, 2-- Wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop.
Wait, wait.
Hold on.
Wait.
OK, go ahead.
Get out of here, you stupid donkeys! Brad, calm down.
I can't.
OK, what did you and geek boy do? Don't tell him.
This was our special adventure.
Uch, Brad Is this why you've been acting so weird? OK, look, the donkeys were being exploited, and I tried to do something about it, but nobody would listen.
Oh, now who is this? This is beulah.
Oh Nice girl.
Sister Helen? One moment, Lily.
She fast? She's spunky.
So am I.
Beulah will be mine.
All right.
See you later.
Sister Helen, you can't go through with this.
It's cruel and wrong.
Lily, I assure you, the animals will not be mistreated in any way.
Sister Beatrice weighs, like, 300 pounds.
Letting her ride a donkey is It's unchristian.
Oh, really? How's it unchristian? Jesus would not want people to ride around on donkeys.
His mother rode a donkey into Bethlehem.
Perhaps you've heard the story? Yes, and after that, God gave donkeys freedom from labor.
Oh, did he? Yes.
And where in the Bible does it say that? It's in the book of Jebba Dalaya.
Jebbadalaya? Hey, I am out there trying to do God's work, OK? I don't have time to read his book.
Mmm Still doesn't explain why there's a donkey in the street.
Look, I did what I had to do.
Come on, donkeys.
You're free.
Run away.
Go.
Fly.
I don't think they want to.
Oh, it's because they think it's a trick.
They've been hurt so many times.
Hey, cut it out, donkey! Gimme the sandwich.
Ah-ah-ah [brays.]
Good donkeys! I was hungry.
[Braying.]
How could you do that? I just thought that the donkeys should, you know, be--be released back into the wild.
This is Staten Island.
There is no wild.
OK, yeah, so it's easy to say that I was being stupid now.
Yeah, very easy.
There's a donkey in your yard.
All right, look, Dean-o, I'm sorry that--that you don't give a damn about the many creatures that we share our earth with, but me and Lily do.
We are bonded together by our passion for animals Including each other.
What? Brad.
We aren't anything.
So what, wa-was this just some kind of fling? A fling? We broke into a donkey trailer.
Well, I'll never forget what we had.
You never had anything! Oh, just go keep tellin' yourself that! [Grunts.]
Aah! All right.
All right, baby, after all I've been through, the least you can do is to try these on for me.
I'm not wearing stolen earrings.
They're not stolen.
I bought 'em.
From someone who stole them.
Boy, she's really hard to shop for.
Eddie, enough! Enough out of you, all right? Touchy.
Yeah, I'm touchy! You got me 100 hours of community service! I think you should look inward, my brother.
Therefore, my honor, if, uh, my client is indeed not a de facto defendant per se, then indeed, he should not, indeed he must not-- What the hell are you talking about? Objection, my honor.
You can't object to me.
Sustained.
[Sighs.]
Unh, unh.
I told you he's good.
He's got her on the ropes now.
Are you crazy? The man's incoherent.
Therefore, I must remind you-- Stop.
Just stop talking now.
Now look, since your client has no priors and the evidence is only circumstantial, I'm inclined to let him off with $100 fine.
A fine? My honor, if I may review the facts.
Well? Well, what? A thank you would be nice.
I don't know.
What, you want me to thank you? Oh, OK.
You know what, Sean? I'm through with you.
Oh, you're through with me? Yeah.
Oh, you're through with me? Yeah, I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after you-- I helped you save your marriage, I find you high quality merchandise at an excellent price, I spend my Saturday afternoon visiting you in jail, and I hire you a lawyer, a lawyer who's been on television, and what do you do? You sit there like a freakin' ingrate.
You know what? You're welcome.
I'm gonna kill you, Eddie! I'm gonna kill you-- Bailiff! Bailiff! You shut up! I'll kill you! I-- [buzz.]
Aah! [Whimpers.]
I recruise myself, my honor.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Better take his belt.
You got 100 hours of community service for beating up your own brother? Yep, and it was worth it.
Yeah.
Hey, you know, Sean, you really hurt me, you know that? My neck was wrenched.
I got, uh, limited range motion in my shoulder.
I endured a lot of emotional distress.
You're preparing a lawsuit, aren't you? I've been instructed not to discuss it.
[Sighs.]
Ed, look, OK, look, I'm sorry, all right? I know you were trying to help me out, and I--and I-- I--I shouldn't have attacked you.
OK, that's all I wanted to hear.
Good.
If--if I guy tries to serve you papers tomorrow, just throw 'em away.
Wow.
All this happened because you didn't believe me that I didn't want anything? That's right.
Because you don't take your wife at her word.
Yeah, I get it.
You should've given her the stole.
Walt.
Every woman should have a fur.
It could give you a little class.
OK, you know what? Dad--dad, it's time to go home.
What? What did I say? Just go.
Please.
Fine.
I'll save the stole for Lily.
Yeah, take it.
It's in the closet.
I don't know why everybody's bitin' my head off.
Oh, hey, look.
This fell.
Oh, just-- just leave it.
I'll get it later.
All right.
Baby, what-- [laughs nervously.]
What is that? Nothing.
What is it! [Laughs.]
Oh, yeah.
I'm-a tickle.
Tickle, tickle.
Whoo! Oh, my God, Claudia.
[Sighs.]
OK, I might have gotten you something.
[Imitating claudia.]
Oh, didn't I make it clear that we're not to buy each other gifts this year? Yes, well, I did, but then I just anticipated that you might do some kind of dumb thing like get me a gift, which you did, and I didn't want to be caught without, so really the only thing you could be mad about was that I was right, which I was.
Was that an apology? Yes, shut up.
OK, look I'll shut up if you just try these things on, please.
OK.
Fine.
OK.
Man, they're pretty.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! These are amazing! You look great in them, too.
I really do? Thank you, baby.
You're welcome, mama.
You're welcome.
Oh.
I really gotta get you somethin' better.
You know, I am just so happy you're glad 'cause you don't know what I went through to get those things.
I know.
I know, but when they arrested you, didn't they search you? Yeah.
How come they didn't find the hot diamonds? You know, I just, uh-- You what? You know, I was In the squad car going to the station, and, you know, I swallowed 'em.
You swallowed them? Yeah, but it was totally cool, 'cause next day, you know, I just-- I got 'em back.
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, get 'em off me! Claude, I washed them! Donkeys, we have peanut butter for you! Do you see anything? Mm-mmm.
How far could donkeys go? Mm-mm-mm.
Give me the peanut butter.
Where's the peanut butter? Mm-mm-mm.
Brad, open your mouth.
[Mouth full.]
I'm sorry, Lily.
I was hungry.
Oh, I can't believe you!