Growing Pains s02e19 Episode Script

Okay, we'll be back after lunch.
You have the number of the restaurant.
Don't worry, if Ben and Carol act up, I'll slap them around a little bit.
-Just kidding, Dad.
-Let's go, honey.
Ben, we're leaving.
Oh, he's over at Stinky Sullivan's playing Rambo.
It's too chilly for him to be shooting people without a shirt.
Honey, we could cancel our romantic luncheon and track down our little commando.
Or we could simply let our most trustworthy and reliable child take Ben a shirt.
Okay, okay, I'll do it.
-Okay, have fun, guys.
CAROL: Bye, see you later.
JASON: Bye-bye.
MIKE: Bye-bye.
Oh, I thought they'd never leave.
You said you were gonna take Ben a shirt.
I also said I was gonna slap you around.
Yo.
Ben, put on a shirt.
-Where's Mom and Dad? -They're gone.
Gone? The first Saturday of every month, they always go out for their lunch deal.
Yeah, but I need their help with a school project.
By Monday, I'm supposed to have a history of our family done.
Maybe you shouldn't have been playing with Stinky Sullivan all morning.
Hey, what could I do? I was a POW.
So welcome home.
Now get out.
Can you guys help me? I mean, this history has to be good.
Half the kids in my class have really neat histories with divorces, tragedies, family disasters.
How lucky, you've got Mike.
There's an old family bible down here.
It tells everything.
Births, marriages, family geniuses.
Stinky Sullivan has a great family history.
He's even got an uncle who was thrown out of three countries.
This is full of Dad's old stuff from his college days.
Wow! The '60s were a very strange time, Ben.
If I can find the date Dad wore these I'm gonna have a family history that leaves Stinky's in the dust.
The family records have to be around here somewhere.
-This looks interesting.
-What? "The Single Dude's Guide to the Swinging '60s.
Sure-fire tips on how to get chicks into--" Ben, you're not a single dude.
What, and you are? Ben, this isn't for your eyes.
"To Jason, from the other interns.
We thought this might come in handy now that you're divorced.
" So I've got a divorce for my family history.
I guess.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, no! [BEN SCREAMS.]
Divorced? -Boy.
-Yeah.
Ever since he started punishing me, I've had my doubts about the man.
Now, hold it, okay? This could be a mistake.
I just can't believe this about our wonderful dad.
-Come on, Carol, the evidence is right here.
-Yeah.
Well, it could be a big mistake.
-Carol, it's obvious.
-Yeah.
-What's obvious? -That Dad's divorced.
You know, we're living a lie.
You know, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Dad wasn't his real name.
I just-- I can't believe this.
Especially after all the times that he's told us about their huge wedding.
And how Grandpa Ed fainted when he got the bill.
And how it was the happiest day of Mom's life.
And how Dad toasted her and said she was BOTH: the only woman he ever wanted to marry.
Yeah.
I mean, if he lied about this, then-- Well, we don't know that he lied.
He just didn't tell us.
-Same thing.
-Not exactly.
Well, it was a lie last year when I cut school and didn't tell him.
No, no.
See, that was different.
See, when they asked you how school was, you said, "Extremely pleasant.
" -Which it was.
-No, it wasn't.
-It was too.
-Wasn't.
-Was.
-Wasn't.
What's your point? My point is, if Dad kept this divorce such a big secret then what else didn't he tell us? How do we know that what he did tell us is the truth? I mean, we already know the wedding toast was a lie.
So how well do we really know this man? I've known him since I was a kid.
-Mike, you're getting carried away.
-Oh, I am, huh? Well, listen to this.
I think that if he was married before that probably means he had another wife.
Brilliant.
And if he had another wife, it probably means he had other kids.
Oh, no.
And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they're living somewhere on Long Island.
-Dad wouldn't wanna live far from his kids.
-What kids? The ones he goes and visits when he says he's gonna get a haircut.
Ben.
Nobody gets a haircut as often as Dad.
This is true.
-Mike.
-I got it.
Dad's other wife cuts his hair while he plays with his other kids.
So they couldn't live far away.
I bet right on this street.
Maybe they come over here when we're at school.
And wear our clothes.
And play with our stuff.
That's why my room gets so messed up.
You're crazy.
And, Mike, you're worse.
I mean, I can't even believe that I'm related to.
That's it.
It all makes sense.
It's true.
What? Dad did have kids with his first wife.
At least one.
And when they split, he kept that child and when he met Mom they swore an oath never to tell him that he was the painfully slow half-brother of me and Ben.
So who is it? Oh, all right.
All right, I got it.
-Ah.
Ah-ha.
Look at this.
-What did you find? It's a picture of Dad's first wife.
Let me see.
Well, how do you know that's his first wife? It's the only woman's picture we've found after an hour of looking.
-So? -So? Look at this, it's even signed.
"To my dear Jason.
I know a place.
Love, Petula.
" Wow.
You sure don't look like your mother.
Okay, I just say we've gotta find out more about this woman.
Where else do we look? Well, you know, if I were Dad and I wanted to hide the mementos of some tragic mistake I know where I'd stash them.
Where? What's the one room in this house that we're not allowed to hang out in? Their bedroom? The other one.
Not Dad's office.
Well, I guess we know who the smart one in the family is now.
Hi.
Yeah, I guess we do know who the smart one in the family is.
Thanks, but I haven't found anything yet.
Most of these are Dad's patient files and they're locked.
Oh, Ben, you're getting peanut butter all over Dad's stuff.
So I'll lick it off.
Ben, why are you eating that, anyway? When I get bummed, I get hungry.
Well, I don't want any part of this, because it's wrong, okay? I'm gonna go ransack their bedroom.
You know, Mike, I've been thinking, I don't think Dad ever did get divorced.
-No? -I think that book was all a big joke.
I mean, the people who gave it to him were all doctors.
You know what nutty guys they are.
But I found a picture of his first wife.
And get this, her name is Petula and she had a fake mole painted on her face.
-No.
-Yeah, I've seen it.
I need another sandwich.
-Hey, hey, hey, what's this? -What? -Oh, no.
-What? -Carol, look what we found.
-What? Another stupid wife.
CAROL: You don't know this woman was married to Dad.
-Then why did he hide it? -I don't know.
I'm just saying I don't wanna jump to conclusions without a complete search.
Please, Carol, stop looking before you find any more wives.
CAROL: Mike, help me down with this box.
MIKE: Yeah.
Where'd Dad get all these clothes? What's he doing with all these sweater vests? He probably gets Father's Day presents from his hundreds of other kids too.
-Hey, look at this.
-What? "My first issue.
" Hey, this was when Mom started working at Newsweek.
Wow.
She saved this from 1969.
Mom saves everything.
Cards, letters, Mike's first C.
Guys, guys, there's something very strange about this.
The year, 1969.
That was the year Dad supposedly did his internship in Phoenix.
-So? -So? The second year of Mom and Dad's marriage.
The year they lived in a trailer park and ate beans all the time.
So what? So how could Mom be in New York working for Newsweek and be in Phoenix eating beans at the same time, hm? I need another sandwich.
What else is in here? Just the usual stuff: baby pictures, crushed flowers, a charm bracelet.
An old letter to Mom.
Read it.
-No, we shouldn't.
-Come on.
It's from Grandpa Ed.
"Dear Margaret Kathryn.
In all the confusion of the past few weeks I haven't found the time to tell you that your mom and I love you very much.
There's no reason to lose heart just because that ex-husband of yours turned out to be a lunkhead.
" So that means Mom was divorced too.
Wow.
Good thing Ben wasn't in here.
He'd be eating the furniture.
[BELCHES.]
Hi, guys.
ALL: Hi.
-Where's Dad? -Oh, we split up.
-For the afternoon.
-Oh.
He dropped me off and went for a haircut.
[SCREAMS.]
-Hi, honey.
-Hi.
-Oh, I thought you were getting a haircut.
-I did.
It doesn't look like it.
Of course it doesn't.
That's why they charge so much.
Where are the kids? Well, they're all sitting side-by-side on the couch.
Jason, it's eerie.
They aren't yelling, they aren't fighting, they aren't even watching TV.
And this is a bad thing? Yo, Rambo.
Hi.
What's the name of your barber? Linda.
Not Petula with a fake mole? -No.
-Yeah, right.
Ben, don't eat too much.
You'll spoil your appetite.
Not a chance.
Why don't we just ask them about these divorces? After everything we've learned, do you really think they're gonna tell us the truth? Well, we've got to do something.
Before Ben ends up with a harpoon sticking out of him.
Listen, guys, I've formulated a plan.
-What? -Okay.
Now, when we do something wrong only Mom and Dad don't know quite what it is they get us into this conversation about other junk just to trick us into saying too much.
So let's just do that to them.
They never do that to me.
Well, Carol, that's because you lead a very sad, uninteresting and boring life.
Do you wanna talk about that, or do you wanna talk about this plan? -The plan.
-All right, okay.
I'll work on Dad.
Carol, you work on Mom.
What do I work on? Losing weight.
Dad, do you have a second to rap with me? You wanna rap? Yeah, is that the right word? Sure, if you're Sammy Davis, Jr.
No, no, you know what I mean.
Talk, chat.
Have one of our meaningful dialogues.
Yeah.
Nice haircut, by the way, Dad.
No, no, you know what I mean.
Just kind of a chance for us to get together and see how we're doing.
I mean, you're my only dad, right? And I'm one of your three only kids, aren't I? So, what kind of trouble are you in, Mike? -Mom.
-Hi, honey.
What's up? Nothing's up.
Why do you think something's up? Does something have to be up just because I wanna come in here and talk? I wanna hang out with you and I get accused of something being up.
So, Dad, did you hear? I'm dating a new girl now.
Mike, you're always dating a new girl because nobody will go out with you twice.
No, no, Dad, this one's special.
Her name is Petula.
-She wouldn't be a barber, would she? -A barber? Why do you ask, Dad? Do you know any Petula who's a barber? One with those, say, a mole painted on her face? No.
Ben mentioned it.
Mm-hm.
I see.
Mike, are you enjoying this conversation? Okay.
All right, here it is.
I'm having a little problem with my social life, Dad, and.
I figured that a guy like you has dated around a lot.
Yeah, well, it was a long time ago, but.
Yeah.
Yeah, you probably even went steady a time or two, right? Yeah.
Heck, you probably even married a few of them, right? What? Did you know that most divorced people never have to set the table? What? Well, it's a well-known fact that they eat most meals hunched over a sink.
Carol.
You wouldn't think it was funny if you were divorced.
It sure would save me a lot of time in the kitchen.
Oh, fine.
Duck the question.
Carol, what question am I ducking? Mom, how can I make it any clearer? Whoa.
Heh, heh.
I'll bet it feels weird eating at the table, huh? Well, that makes it unanimous.
None of my children are making sense.
They're either staring at me like I'm back from the grave or telling me interesting facts about divorced people.
There's something up.
Mike was just asking me how many times I've been married and I-- Wait a minute.
They know.
Oh, look, just like I told you.
They've been into everything down here.
They even found this stocking you gave me for the interns' comedy revue.
That's not mine.
Sure it is.
Mike, Carol, Ben.
No, I wear tall.
This is petite.
Well, we're getting off the subject here.
All right, kids, your mom and I would like to talk to you.
-I'll bet.
-We're listening.
Jason, I'll handle this.
Um.
Uh, um.
I'll handle this, okay? If this is gonna take a while, I'm gonna call for a pizza.
Sit down, Ben.
Now, your mother and I were married in 1968.
Come on, Dad, we already know you weren't even living together in 1969.
-Well, yes.
-And we know you were divorced.
From somebody named Petula.
-Who? -I don't know.
And we know you got divorced too.
Don't try to deny that you were married to some guy your dad called a lunkhead.
That's right.
The lunkhead's your dad.
Thank you.
That explains it all.
I feel much better.
No, no, no, that explains nothing.
Kids, this is-- This is difficult to explain.
But, see, your dad and I went through a period where we-- We thought it was impossible to have two careers and a marriage.
It was.
I was doing my internship in Phoenix and your mom had the new job at Newsweek.
Yes, and we.
Well, we split up.
When you spend your life working for a goal it's tough to give it up just like that.
Impossible.
So we went our separate ways and.
-It was the worst time of my life.
-Me too.
See, we didn't disagree about anything.
It got so at one point, my lawyer got up in court and he blurted out, "Why don't you save everybody a lot of trouble and stay married?" Well, we looked at each other and realized at once that.
How stupid we'd been.
-As well as what was really important.
-And the divorce never went through.
Thank God.
All right.
All right, well, then explain who this babe is.
Well, this babe is Petula Clark.
She was a popular singer in the '60s.
And I was a member of her fan club.
Okay, president.
For a very short time, okay? See, I told you there was nothing to worry about.
Why didn't you tell us this before? We weren't trying to keep it a secret on purpose.
It's just that we were waiting for you to be old enough.
And then by the time you were, then Ben came along.
After a while it seemed the whole thing was ancient history.
It really didn't matter at all.
What matters is how much we love each other and you, each of you, every day of the last 17 years.
I like to think it's because we came so close to making a mistake like that that the last 17 have been so good.
It made us learn the fine art of compromise.
And we care enough to give each other a little room and the right to his own point of view.
Like I said at the wedding you're the only woman I ever wanted to marry.
-So the toast wasn't a lie.
-No.
So you guys split up just to get it out of the way? Well, I couldn't have said it any better myself, Ben.
Wow.
I'm gonna have a family history that's gonna make Stinky Sullivan smell.
Well.
I just think that that is the most beautiful most romantic thing I have ever heard.
God bless you.
Look, I told them they were getting carried away.
Sure.
And I speak for all of us when I say that I am really glad you guys got back together when you did.
Oh, that's so sweet, Mike.
I mean, if you had waited one more year, I'd have been Carol.
Maria Flagenhoffer.
-Excuse me? -Yeah, I just remembered.
Maria Flagenhoffer.
That's who gave me the pantyhose.
She's a proctologist now.
-Fine.
-Heh, heh.
Honey, I'm not jealous.
Well, all right, I just wanted you to know where I got them, you know, just in case.
It's a pretty good story though.
I don't care.
-No? -No.
Particularly when I see that she was a bit thick in the thigh.
No, no, no, not Maria.
No, she was.
She was maybe 15 to 18 pounds overweight.
What am I saying? Twenty-five pounds if she was lucky.
Jason, what's past is past.
Good.
Yes.
From the look of her picture, she looks like a nice person.
Oh, yeah.
She was, yeah.
-Fun lady, I'd guess.
-Oh, yeah.
She had a great sense of humor.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, she loved to laugh.
And you gave her plenty to laugh at, I'll bet.
-Oh, Maggie.
-Oh, you've got a lot of nerve.
Maggie.
Maggie.
Oh, come on, she was 35 pounds overweight.
-Sure.
-She was a total pig.