Happy Endings s02e19 Episode Script

Now if we're talking anaerobic exercises, that's a completely different story, because you're actually using your own body weight, which is an extremely efficient form of strength training.
What's happening? What's happening is that Dave is joining my gym, so I'm gonna become his new fitness guru.
No, he's not, but I am gonna get ripped.
Deal with it.
- I'm confident we can deal with it.
- You go to the gym? Mm-hmm.
- An exercise gym? - Oh, yeah.
I love the gym the steam room, the smoothies, the free 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.
Haven't heard you mention working out.
Oh, I'm a gym rat.
I practically live there.
But do you exercise there? You know what else I love? Wearing gym clothes.
People see you on the street, they feel bad about themselves.
Did they hit the gym today? No.
Did I? Yeah.
But what did you do there? Also pretty great gym shoes.
Okay, someone shoot me a text on how this shakes out.
I have a ton to do to get ready for my meeting with the homeowners association, of which I am - 2-term president.
- The vote of which was - Unanimous.
- - So we're building a roof garden, and of course I have to do everything, but you know what? With the H.
O.
A.
, it just makes more sense to give one person complete power to suppress opposition and criticism.
I think you just said the definition of fascism.
Look, this is nothing new.
Jane has always been the president of everything student body, National Honor Society, our immediate family.
It's true.
But I'm secretary of state, so that means only four people have to die for me to become president.
Ha! And Jane running the building means i'm first gentleman.
People stand a little taller when I get in the elevator, and Mr.
Olsen gives me a ham every month to maintain his plush parking spot.
- Ugh.
Politics.
- Get ready, America, because there are two black men in office up in hea! Actually, there's there's a lot more than two black men in office.
Whoa.
Dial back the rage, Dave.
You had your day.
Ohh.
You guys are so good.
I'm definitely not making it to the gym today.
Pen, you really gotta start taking care of yourself, okay? Max, why are you dressed like Josh Brolin from "The Goonies"? - You noticed! - Of course I did.
She noticed! I did, too.
I just didn't want to say anything.
Get out of here.
Happy Endings 2x19 - You Snooze, You Bruise Original air date March 21, 2012 Wow, Max.
I'm impressed.
You really know how to lead by example.
Yeah, well, my way works for me, and that's what's important.
You know, Dave.
If you're not interested, I'll go check in with my clients that value my expertise.
Hey, yo, Derrick! I love the way you're keeping it active.
Always be moving.
Check this out.
Curls for the girls, thighs for the guys, and bi's for the bi's.
- Ah.
- Hey, D-rock, you're not actually paying this guy, are you? Oh, no, no, no.
He's paying me.
J.
K.
Actually, he owes me $900.
Drama! Seriously, how do I get him to pay me? I'm behind on rent.
It's, like, real drama.
You're probably not gonna see that money, buddy.
Damn.
Oh.
Uh Just working yourself in.
That's cool.
I was I'll just jump in on the next set.
You'll jump in when I say you can, bitch.
I'm sorry.
What? I said walk away.
Oh.
Uh yeah.
That's cool.
I'm I'll just I I can be done.
I've just got some lat thing going here.
I got a lat attack! I'll just I could Did you hear that guy just call me a bitch? Yeah, and not in a good way, like "Hey, bitch! Oh, my God! Your skin's amazing.
" "I want to cut your face off.
I hate you.
" This is the problem with gyms, man dudes like that trying to impress girls.
Oh, no, no, no.
Corey's gay.
Yeah, he hits on me all the time, I just never reciprocate, 'cause, you know, I could do so much better.
Eh he's kinda your ceiling.
Eh he's kinda my floor.
The second floor, if you're standing on the first floor.
Well, you know, you're both fat.
Yeah.
He's kind of a strong fat.
Yeah, right.
I'm strong.
He's fat.
He's strong.
You're fat.
Fat is fat.
Look, the point is, you only thought he was straight because he's a bully, but us gays can be anything we want, son lawyers, congressmen, murderers, dentists Life coaches for rich people's pets.
It's a thing.
Get into it.
Thanks for all your help, everyone.
We are gonna have the best rooftop garden.
It is gonna be just like "The Secret Garden," but without that super sick kid, right? - Ugh.
- - Jane.
Get this.
I decided I'm gonna learn to play golf.
That's a dumb idea.
God, the pill's making me crazy.
Jane, a couple of us had some other ideas about the rooftop garden.
Well, I'm pretty sure I covered everything with my poster, but go ahead.
We thought it might be nice to have these elderflowers, 'cause they grow these beautiful berries.
Ooh, berries.
Nice, right? Huh.
Michael, that could be a good idea.
Except for when those berries attract pigeons and rats, and they poop everywhere.
You know, it just takes one person inhaling a little bit of poop dust, and we've got a full-on hantavirus outbreak, but you know what? In that one week before we're all immobilized by disease, we could enjoy some really nice berries.
Ooh, berries.
I guess I hadn't thought this through.
Yeah, I guess you hadn't.
Why don't you focus less on killer berries and more on parking your Maxima inside the lines in the garage? I'm so sorry.
No.
Don't be.
We we all do things.
All right.
His idea was terrible.
Haven't you ever heard the expression, "you catch more flies with honey"? Technically, you catch more flies with a commercial fly strip, with its combination of pheromones and a chemical adhesive.
Far and away your best bet.
You seem really stressed.
Okay, how about the next time, before you just lose it on someone, you sleep on it? See what happens.
Everything's much clearer the next morning.
That makes no sense.
I'd lose all my steam.
There's no way I can stay fired up for that long.
That's the point.
Remember when I was gonna file that noise complaint against my neighbor's cockatoo, but then I slept on it? The next day, I bought that bird a clementine, which it choked on.
Problem solved.
Think about it.
Not my jam.
Do I have to go repark my car? So he definitely didn't say it in a good way, like "Hey, bitch.
" "Your hair is glowing, okay?" "Where'd you get that deep condition?" "I swear to God" No, but who cares what that guy thinks anyway? He doesn't even wipe down the machines.
He's such a jerk.
Yeah, he's totally a jerk.
Like, a super hot, dangerous jerk.
- What? - What? Dude, what? Did I was I speaking out loud? Sorry.
I was never into him before, but something changed for me this morning.
I love bad boys, like Will Smith in the movie "Bad Boys" or even Martin Lawrence in "Big Momma's House.
" Or Tea Leoni in "Bad Boys.
" What? I like my bad boys with vaginas.
You know, it doesn't matter.
The problem is solved.
I did the mature thing.
You talked to the manager.
My gym experience was being ruined, and a manager needed to be informed.
What Dave doesn't realize when he's running his mouth is that snitches get stitches.
Oh.
There it is.
Your bully mentality is back.
What? You were a bully? - Yes.
- But you're so tiny.
You're so small.
You're the smallest thing I've ever seen in my life.
"Girl, I'll get you!" "Come here! Come here!" - What, you want some? - Whoa.
She got her growth spurt earlier than the other kids.
I'm gonna need that soda, your glitter headband, tomorrow's spelling homework, and 50 cents to buy a unicorn eraser from the school store.
Eddie Kang! I know you are not on my slide right now.
I am not like that anymore, okay? And as a recovering bully, I know that we're all bark and no bite.
Dave, you need to stand up to him.
He'll back down.
Whatever happened to Eddie Kang? We actually dated a couple years later.
He got taller, and I got boobs.
That is a fact.
So this is what we're doing now? It's homo slo-mo.
Cooling down is one of the most important parts of working out.
Plus, "homo" rhymes with "slo-mo.
" And lake Como.
Clooney has a house there.
Dave, Corey has something he wants to say.
Hey, I'm really sorry about the other day.
I was in a bad mood, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
I should have taken it out on that Stairmaster 'cause this place is not about anger.
It's about fitness.
Thanks, man.
Stop the violence.
Increase the peace.
Or as my bumper sticker says, "coexist.
" Wow.
That's a great message.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Gunnar.
- Good trainer.
- He's a great trainer.
Great dad.
Did you tattle on me? Oh, I'm so conflicted.
Haven't you heard? Snitches get stitches.
How is this a phrase that everybody's heard but me? You step in here again, rock-steady, and I'll kick your ass.
Do you think he thinks about me? I mean, he's, uh he's, um, he's a bad he's not a he's Ow! Penny.
Hey.
I was just beboppin' in the neighborhood, and I was wondering, any fallout from your interaction with Michael the other day? What? No.
We're fine.
Cool, cool, cool.
It's just that I found this in your lobby.
Twist! Michael's running against you for president.
Well, uh well, that's fine.
You know what? It'll be nice to have a friendly rival to defeat.
You know, it's not like we're enemies.
His slogan is "help me destroy our common enemy.
" "Be heard.
Be respected.
Be allowed to suggest," "oh, I don't know, a berry tree.
" Um, when was this photo taken, and why are you making the Kobe Bryant intensity face? Jane, none of this would have happened if you had just slept on it.
Please will you just give it a try? Chilling out a little could be good for our political image, babe.
People like a relaxed leader instills confidence, makes them free and easy with their hams.
Mm.
Stephanie.
Did you get my message about the gazebo? We could buy it from my cousin's company.
- I brought some pamphlets for you.
- - Mm! I did get your message, and you know what? It made me want to absolutely mnh sleep on it.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great.
Okay, thanks.
Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great.
Mm-hmm.
Same face.
Brad.
Mnh-mnh.
I feel great! I mean, look at these.
Any of these gazebos would do.
Sleeping on it is amazing.
You gotta try it.
I was trying.
Try it again.
I'll watch.
Are you doing it? Bitch, it is 5:30! Dave? What are you doing here? It is not safe.
What if Corey sees you and he yells at you and it's too sexy, and then he and I fall in love? I'm gonna do what Alex said.
I'm gonna stand up to the guy.
- You got my back? - No.
Corey, can we talk? Of course.
We were born with mouths, weren't we? Listen, man.
I think I know what this is about.
You were probably bullied as a kid, possibly because you're gay.
Uh, I think it's time that we have a conversation with 10-year-old Corey and tell him to stop pushing people away.
Hi, little Corey.
You got a buddy this guy.
Ohh! Ohh! Oh, my God! Damn! Punched you in the eyeball! Oh, my God.
It was crazy.
I mean, it was like watching an episode of "Real Club Girls of Atlantic City.
" I mean, Dave was all like "Theresa, grab that girl's weave," because it is just too" God, I am spending way too much time with Derrick.
Well, thanks a lot, Al.
I stood up to him, and he didn't back down.
What do I do now? Well, if I was still a bully which I no longer am, 'cause I've worked through that I'd throw a free weight in his face and then knock out As much as I'd like to see that, 'cause you know nothing delights me more than enraged exercise, I think the safest thing for Dave to do is quit the gym.
No.
No, I am way too proud to quit.
Plus I already tried, and it didn't work out.
Now I see that your name tag says "manager," but do you happen to have a manager? There's only one thing that's gonna work.
You gotta go back to the gym and fight him.
You know what? You are right.
I am not going down without a fight.
I am gonna march back down to that gym, and I am getting out of my contract.
- Oh, no, s no.
- I meant Yeah, she said - meant more of, like, a f - When So she's been doing this all day just lounging? Yeah.
Sleeping on it worked.
Yeah, it did.
She is a totally different person.
I can get away with anything now.
Hey, babe.
I took your "Atlantic Monthly" into the bathroom while I was doing my business.
Mm.
- I was poopin'.
- Great.
Awesome.
She doesn't care.
She doesn't care.
What are all those papers you got there? I put up a suggestion box in the lobby to try to integrate feedback, 'cause everyone's opinion is valid.
That's my easygoing president.
That's a funky switchabout.
Babe, everybody's lovin' the box.
They're really feeling heard.
I'm proud of you.
Take that, Michael.
Pow! You know, I gotta say, I love goin' with the flow, you know, rollin' with the punches Just flyin' by the seat of my very, very chill pants, you know what I mean? Well, if any pants could fly, it would be those.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Now watch this.
Look at this delicious plate of nachos I found, everybody.
I think I'm gonna have some while sitting on this couch.
I would like some chips - You can have some.
- and some oily, unruly cheese.
Ooh, they taste better the further you are from the napkins, I've found.
- Ah.
- Oh, look.
Look, Jane.
"Man On Wire.
" Uh-oh.
I hope he doesn't fall.
Uh-oh.
I'm sorry.
I oh, God.
Ohh.
Let's get into that.
- That is some - Jane.
- No, no.
Jane.
- Ohh.
- Jane.
- No.
Oh, my Oh, that's just - Ohh.
Oh, that that is just nasty.
- - It's really hot.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You tell the manager I'll wait.
I'll wait here all day long, if that's what it takes.
You do not want to get into a patient wait-off with this guy, bro.
Hey, big bird.
What are you doing? The weights are supposed to go up, silly.
What are you working on, your upper failures? - Yeah, I'm funny.
- - This is wrong, man.
- Hey, dingus.
- Hello.
Your ball looks swollen.
I'm worried about you.
You should get that thing removed.
Why? - Okay.
This ends now.
- Corey.
Back for more, dum-dum? Yes, I am.
I am sick and tired of you pushing everybody around.
We need to go mano a mano, compadre.
¿Comprende? ¿Verdad? I don't speak Spanish.
I'm saying that we should fight, all right? Me and you tomorrow, Let's do it, you little monkey.
Really? That was your monkey? Again? You're trying again? That was awful.
I could do a better monkey than that.
Do it.
Better monkey! You tell the manager - I'll call him back - on my time.
Babe, did you go grocery shopping today? 'Cause there's nothing in here.
No, I didn't get around to it.
I was too busy just kickin' it, but I think there's some, uh, leftovers in the crisper.
Leftovers in the crisper? That's not where those go.
That's for crispy stuff.
Well, why don't you hit up the grocery store? Because you said I'm not allowed to go shopping alone.
Eh.
You'll be a'ight, dawg.
Don't call me that.
Ooh.
Some people are pushing for pink gravel in the garden.
Uh-huh.
That could work.
I'm gonna go take a nap, think about it, maybe buzz one out.
"Buzz one out"? That's a weird way to say "snoring.
" Oh! Hey, Mr.
Olsen.
I am so glad to see you.
And you brought my monthly ham.
Great, 'cause I am starving, and I am so scared to go shopping.
No, this isn't for you.
- What? - I'm here to discuss how everything's falling apart in this building.
Packages are being left in the lobby.
There are unauthorized flyers on the bulletin board.
Someone's offering math tutoring.
You can't run a business out of your house.
Well, you know, Jane was just trying to be open to people's suggestions, and Oh.
Uh Well, you guys gotta earn your hams.
Did he just slam my door in his face? So Dave is really gonna fight a guy? Our Dave? The same Dave who wept during Jeremy Renner's Oscar speech? How is that gonna work? I don't know.
I guess he's gonna have to sit on the guy's back so he can't breathe and shove his face in the dirt or at least that's what someone could do.
Whoa, Brad.
You're lookin' funky.
Yeah.
I'm am wearing cargo shorts because all of my pants are in the dry cleaners, and I don't know which one we go to.
It's kind of a decent look.
Yeah.
My top half is at a museum fund-raiser, and my bottom half is selling veggie burritos in a parking lot outside a Widespread Panic concert! No, that is accurate.
Penny, I want the old Jane back.
Okay, I know I turned her this way but I don't know how to turn her back.
I do.
How's it goin', Jane? Well, I'm being held in a chair against my will, but I'm cozy.
I'm sorry.
Looks like your old pal Stephanie has a bunch of great ideas for your roof garden.
Here's my favorite a family of plastic gnomes.
She calls them "The Tinytons.
" They've got a mailbox, Jane! You know what? I might just take a nap on it right now Bang out a quick fiver right here.
Don't let her, Penny.
You didn't tell me I was gonna have to do this.
Penny! Wake up, slut.
And that's not all.
You haven't even weighed in on the gazebo yet, and the options are way worse than you thought.
They're novelty gazebos, Jane.
Novelty.
It's like the idea of a gazebo is, like, some big joke.
Oh.
Shut your mouth, Penny! And you always make my haircut appointments, Jane.
It's been days.
Look at all this hair.
I look like Gene Wilder.
I'm a monster.
And the trash hasn't been picked up in days.
It may never get picked up again, but I'm sure Michael could handle that, right, Michael? No, I don't want to handle that.
I'm so sorry I ran against you, Jane.
The people in this building are animals.
Somebody somebody is tutoring in their condo.
Ohh.
W we are not zoned for that! Ohh.
Ohh.
Ohh! Hello? I need to cancel an order of gnomes.
Penny, I need you to go downstairs.
I need you to remove the suggestion box from the lobby before people start thinking their ideas are valid.
Brad, get me a new pair of pants.
I look like a Turkish whoremaster! You did it, Al! My baby's back.
Did I eat nachos?! You sure you wanna do this, man? - You could always fake your own death.
- No.
I've done it.
Super easy.
If you're ever in Newark, New Jersey, do not ask for a Joseph Reynolds.
He's a ghost.
No, Max.
You can't just fake your own death through life.
That's no way to not live.
- You're right, and you're pumped up.
- I like it.
Ah, ha ha ha! Oh, we're gonna shake hands now? Faced! Ooh! Go, Dave! Punch his shirt off! Or or whatever you feel is best for the situation.
Last chance to back out.
- No way - "No way.
" Because a real man takes action when action is necessary and when action calls upon him, he seizes the moment That is cray! - And he defends his beliefs.
- Ain't it, Dave? - He stands up for himself - Yeah! And anybody that's ever been oppressed or victimized - or driven to the point of no - - Aah! Aah! What are you doing?! I was gonna punch him after I said my remarks! I couldn't help it.
Your speech was so inspiring.
You're like the straight Patrick Henry.
Patrick Henry wasn't gay.
Okay.
You got it, Dave.
I cannot believe I liked that guy.
Wow, I I never, uh I mean, you just really Mm.
- Mm! - You wanna get a coffee? Java! So was Patrick Henry really gay? Oh, yeah.
A lot of the forefathers were gay.
You should watch the Gay History Channel.
That's a thing? Yeah, it's called Bravo.