Hot In Cleveland s02e19 Episode Script

- Action - Perh oh.
- Oh I'm sorry Darling.
- Honestly! No we're just going from from my line Okay - So let's start with her line? - Yes.
Bitch.
Every week is just a new surprise for us around here.
That thing that I wore, that thing that I got when I was that model? Oh [Bleep.]
that's *******.
Well, I don't know! Enough with the hands.
It was the angle of the picture, [Bleep.]
! Come on, we can catch a ride with his fruit-- - Wait-- - Oh, [Bleep.]
.
I mean, mercy! And action.
Well, obviously the only authentic psychics are in L.
A.
It's just like the Mexican food.
Actually, I was surprised Cleveland had psychics.
Oh, we have a sizeable sss Sucker American community.
What are you laughing at? Don't make fun of an older woman.
Imagine the look on her face when she sees me belting out her vocals.
Yeah, I can't imagine it, because I'll be singing lead.
- No, I'm singing lead.
- But you stink.
But you stink much worse! We all stink! But this Will make us all sound cool.
Bottoms up, everybody! We're four single girls on a Saturday night.
Having Tom Brady's baby might be fun if you're doing it right We're four single girls on a Saturday night.
I don't need sex with you.
I have my son.
We are so not gonna get laid tonight.
Hello! I'm Melanie.
Sometimes my voice gets deep and sensual.
I am Victor Victoria Chase.
I'm sexy if you really put your mind to it.
Hi, I'm Joy.
I'm engaged to a homeless man.
It's me.
I'm powerless in the presence of a real man.
Don't stop! We're four single girls on a Saturday night.
See ya, losers.
I got a date.
We are so not gonna get laid tonight Aah! Four.
All four cameras.
Mark.
Hey, this is Reggie with the alarm company.
I'm not gonna make it today.
Please call to reschedule.
Oh, boy.
I'm good.
We're been doing this for hours but I can't stop.
And action.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't be poor.
I'm flying to Sha-- Flying to shaw shh shh da Oh, who am I kidding? I can't be poor.
I'm plying-- Okay, now I'm really ready.
Is it too late to recast? Oh, who am I kidding? I can't be poor.
I'm flying private to-- to chi-- I used to be able to speak, but that was last season.
As an actress, I have an extremely highly developed set of vocal chords.
Right before we went to move-- bah-hee.
I think I killed the soonlugee.
Who? Finuwhoogee.
Our Winston is an extremely happer and dancin-- Talk much? I Aah! Aah! Just remember stick to the script.
Listen to this.
Smooth.
Ehh.
Eeh! Sorry.
Rruuu.
.
He--rrrruuu sorry.
Hah! Ach ach ach ach ach! Honorary rrrruuu Yay! Whoo whoo whoo! That one doesn't even make sense.
May we please get back to the topic at hand? You are going to break the heart of a man who truly believed that you have a future together.
Ha ha ha! I think we're getting into a weird area here.
You mean the guy who humped and bumped you before-- [Bleep.]
I'm so sorry.
Just read it normally.
Normally? Whatever do you mean? Oh, yay, Jane! Weird.
I thought I Nuk dak puk najica ee! Such a beautiful language.
You know, on Edge of Tomorrow, when Honor St.
Raven went in for a double murder, she was released after six weeks for saving the warden's children from an axe murderess.
And not only that.
She earned a degree in advanced bionics from the Yale university of correspondence.
So sometimes, you know, you just Make prison what you need to make prison.
I would say, more than anything in the world, Victoria wants adulation.
Honor St.
Raven did have a situation like this.
I played a bass-playing angel A homeless woman A sexy lady lawyer A lady storm chaser in the Lifetime movie Concrete Pillow Always by Your Side Rock and Roll Heaven Soccer Mom Ninja! Hah! Was that the one where you were sent to earth to teach death row inmates about love and harmony? No.
That was Dead Man Rocking.
It's basic cable.
- How do you know that? - Well, don't you remember on Edge of Tomorrow when Honor St.
Raven became a nun and took a vow of silence? I did all my acting with my eyes.
Ladies and ladies Elka has left the building.
No, no! Hang on.
Why don't you guys take five, I'll put on a giant pot of coffee, and we'll rehearse some more? Sorry.
I'll take that again.
Hang on.
Why don't you guys r-- How about you guys take five I'll put on a giant pot of coffee, and we'll rehearse for a few more hours A little louder, honey.
They can't-- I always say to them, don't fix me.
Don't mend me because there's so much more fun to be had when you're playing someone who's a little bit unstable and crazy.
I've had a tough year.
I was engaged to a homeless man.
My business is in shambles, I'm about to be deported.
I went from, "I love you" to a restraining order in under ten minutes.
I've had mothers walk in.
I've had mirrors fall from ceilings, revealing hidden cameras.
I've had pet ferrets.
I accidentally shot the son I gave up for adoption.
Oh, God, my life.
I love this guy.
So much.
And I love you so much, baby.
Hey, coming up next Hal-lo.
Now, come on.
Keep your perspective.
You want some of this? Johnny, Johnny.
You have been given a second chance.
Now, come on.
Keep your perspective.
We're getting each other dates, and here's who I want.
Jack Huntington? - Wow.
He's handsome.
- And rich.
I'm steering my boat in a whole new direction-- Hot and loaded.
What girls, what girls like about boys what girls, what girls like about boys Can you find me somebody laid back? Maybe with a beard, long hair.
No man-boobs.
Nothing abnormally large or small.
Young, Latin, adoring.
No third anything.
Nice buns too.
A charming, lying, handsome rat who no girl could resist.
Faded levis and no shirt.
On a motorcycle.
No helmet.
Bit of a scruff.
I don't care what he's wearing.
I can just picture him on top of me.
What girls like about boys I've always had a thing for Robert De Niro.
They like everything I like that.
I like it when you talk.
He had a butt like two scoops of ice cream.
Probably doesn't look anything like Jesus, right? I'm just freaking out over nothing.
I am on a date with conjoined twins.
But he's a really nice guy.
I am on a date with conjoined twins.
How could you not have noticed this? I was a little busy looking for men without breasts! You know, it's harder than you think in Cleveland.
Why must our planet be filled with beautiful women who exist simply to break our hearts? Wait! Wait, now I want you back.
What girls like about boys Imagine what he looks like naked.
I'm way ahead of ya.
I have never enjoyed chatting with a woman more.
Line.
I'm so sorry, Steve.
No, no, no, baby, are you kidding? I'm making up my own lines also.
You said at the meeting that you know the spot where it goes down.
Can you take me there? I There's nothing I would like more! Action.
Up until your one-night stand turned out to be your boyfriend's brother, you had a sex life.
Why do I feel as slutty as I look? Uh-- sound? Bingo! I love Melanie.
I just-- I love Melanie.
She's so much fun to play.
She does things I would probably never do or feel I could get away with.
But I love being able to do that through Melanie.
Let me-- let me-- oh, God bless America! God bless America! God bless America! Melanie's getting a little feistier this season, I've noticed.
She' got a little more salt in her.
You want some of this? 'Cause she was kind of America's sweetheart, which I think really annoyed her.
What the [Bleep.]
? There was a scene that the writers wrote that we started having a lot of fun with.
So they extended it a little bit where Joy meets her son, her long-lost son for the first time and accidentally shoots him.
Look, I have an alarm guy coming in the morning.
We do not need any guns.
- Aah! - Aah! Oh! M-my name is Owen.
I'm looking for my birth mother.
Which one of you is Joyce Scroggs? Her.
Literally, it was a scene that we never rehearsed all the way through without laughing.
- We were really bad.
- Well, it was impossible.
He's waking up.
I don't know how to do a British accent! - Just talk like I do! - Oh, this is a bad idea.
Hal-lo! Don't start Action.
I wish I had known you were comin'.
I'd have put on a spot o' tea.
What your mom is trying to say-- What your mom is trying to say in her reserved English way is gosh, darn it-- Stop.
Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
I'm lady Winchester.
Are you all insane? Oh, good, the paramedics are here.
I brought a wee bag o' ice for the wee un's leg.
What? We're not doing that anymore? Coming up next I signed up when my bender was over.
In fact, that's my screen name Bend her over.
- Action.
- Nothing tastes as good as finally fulfilling a lifelong dream-- - You okay? - Medic! Had a little hairball.
I'll be good, though.
Action.
Oh, jee-- Honey, cocktail hour isn't for another hour.
You don't sound drunk.
You can tell because I I'm stumbling over my lines.
So far the only song we know is, um What song is it that we know? - Oh, my God! - What? I don't know the freaking line! - We're very immature.
- Unprofessional.
Yeah.
Well, they're much younger.
Yeah.
Right.
No, I'll start going just because she's got sparkly, pretty, dancing eyes.
And so when she starts to like get a little glimmer and smile a little bit, - I'm outta there.
- But I don't sometimes! And you accuse me of doing that, and I'm not! Remember those giant muffins we loved until we found out they were like a thousand calories each? He's that good.
He's muffin good.
You get a twinkle in your eye! I am not twinkling! Come on.
- I'm not.
- Okay.
He's that good.
He's muffin good! - No! - Yes! Well, we're just going to have to do for each other what we did with the muffins.
Just eat the top? Hmm - Here we go, right from there.
- Wait, I messed up, Betty.
I didn't, of course! You have to understand, Betty is-- she can hold on longer than any of us.
She can stand there and give you the stink eye for like a long, long time before she'll go Should we try the lemon meringue? No.
The guys at pie curious were right.
Once you go BlackBerry I signed up when my bender was over.
In fact, that's my screen name-- Bend her over.
That night when we did bend her over, you just could not hang on.
You absolutely could not.
I defy anyone to watch that and not start giggling.
I signed up when my bender was over.
Oh, I am so sorry.
No, no! I signed up when my bender was over.
All right, nobody look at her.
- From your line.
- From mine? - Yes.
- Oh.
I signed up when my-- I signed up when my-- God, no, please forgive me.
Please! Joy, he is genuinely crazy about you.
Really? Are you sure? Not only are you going to destroy his ego, but you are going to break the heart of a man who genuinely thinks that you're in love with him.
That's not right.
Jane, to you.
Action.
Really? Are you sure? Not only are you going to destroy his ego, but you are going to break the heart of a man who truly believes you have a future together! That was good! You're nice too.
I didn't know you were still acting.
Coming up next You bitch.
You've got a b-- Check this out.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Oh, you've gotta front up and bug down, bitch.
Oh, you've gotta front up and bug down, bitch.
What? I'm in frickin' jail! I've done a little time myself.
I'm not going back to the slammer.
So one con to another I'm gonna kill that mother! Oh, you've gotta front up and bug down, bitch.
What? It's prison slang.
Well, we know who the bitch is gonna be.
You've gotta-- Bitch, you've got to bug down and-- You've gotta-- you've gotta go.
Bitch, you've gotta front up and bug down I can't work with these women.
I have no business doing this much work at this age, for heaven's sake.
But what's to walk away from? You can't walk away from these girls.
It's a compression garment that gives a smooth line under your clothes.
Oh, I've got-- It's not easy working with these girls.
But it's wonderful.