In Living Color (1990) s02e19 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind danced to the exact beatAnd at night - It was safe to walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna doIn living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color [Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
David Alan Grier.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is David Alan Grier.
.
.
and welcome to In Living Color's tribute.
.
.
to Broadway.
Paul, if you will, a spotlight, please.
[A Cappella.]
Broadway Broadway Broadway-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay [Faster.]
Oops, look out for that taxicab Ow! I just got stabbed On Broad [Grunts.]
Way [Grunts.]
On Broadway On [Laughing.]
Oh, my.
.
.
[SW1.]
[In High Voice.]
It's a chickie! It's a chickie! It's a chickie! - [Resumes Show Tune.]
- [Keenen Laughing.]
- [Hip-Hop.]
- [Stops.]
You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color - [Jazzy Saxophone, Slow.]
- [Siren Blast.]
- [Continues.]
- [Chatter On Police Radio.]
Good evening, ma'am.
[Sighs.]
Do you know why I stopped you? Say, what is this.
.
.
Uh, do you mind steppin' out of the car? Not if you don't mind getting a look at great set of gams.
Care for a smoke? Or is that against the Boy Scout oath? Uh, may I see your license, please? So, you want to play rough, do you? - [Lighter Hits Ground.]
- Sure, copper.
I've got nothing to hide.
Read it and weep.
Uh, you're Velma Mulholland? Sure I'm Velma.
.
.
sure as 10 dimes will get you a dollar.
Any more questions, Inspector, or may I be on my way? - Is this your car? - Sure, it's my car.
You seen me drivin' it, ain't ya? Can't a gal go out for a couple of Yoo-Hoos and a carton of Luckys.
.
.
without bringing in the Feds? Look, lady, this is merely a technicality.
I wasn't suggesting that you'd done anything.
I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions.
All right, you dirty screw, I'll sing.
I'll sing like a canary.
I was born in Flatbush, Brooklyn, to a couple of sweet folks.
.
.
whose only fault was they were poor as church mice.
I left home when I was five, and I've worked my fingers to the bone.
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.
to try to make something of myself.
I've slung hash in every greasy spoon from here to Kalamazoo.
I may not be the brightest dame in town, but I've got a heart of gold.
And if that's a crime, well, slap those steel bracelets on me and throw me in the slammer.
Throw me in the slammer, copper.
That's what you've got to do.
That's the long and short of it.
It's all there in black and white.
Say, say, say.
Watch it with the fists, Zsa Zsa.
- [Sobs.]
- I'll put you in a choke hold.
Look, I only stopped you 'cause your left taillight is out.
Oh, sure, flatfoot.
Lights out.
Jig's up.
Bases loaded.
Goose is cooked.
I've heard it all, copper.
You hear me? I've heard it all.
Just take me away, will you? Take me away.
You'll get your lousy promotion.
I only hope you can live with yourself.
Lady, this is just a summons.
It's not a subpoena.
I don't know what the hell you're talkin' about.
.
.
and frankly, I don't think you do either.
But there's a diner up the road.
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.
and I think you should go up there and have a cup of coffee and cool out.
And fix that damn taillight.
What's the matter, copper.
.
.
too much woman for you? Too close to the flame? Too hot to handle? Well, I've heard that one before.
You're not the first, and with any luck, you won't be the last.
So long, sucker.
It's time.
What is your final request? [Breathing Heavily.]
Music.
I wanna hear some music.
What kind of music.
.
.
country, soul? What do you want.
.
.
Steely Dan, the Eagles.
.
.
what? Soul music.
The best damn soul music you can find.
Prisoner 43628, Rudy Francis Burke, this is your last request.
Please put your hands together for the soulful stylings of Cephus and Reesie Merriweather.
- [Piano, Up-tempo.]
- Hey! How's everybody doin'? - You know, we so glad to be here tonight.
- [Continues.]
- Is everybody havin' a good time? - I am! - You know, Reesie? Somebody's not smilin'! - I am! - I said, somebody's not smilin'! - [Yelping.]
- I am! - Prisoner 43628, this is for you.
- [Reesie Squeals.]
- [Laughing.]
Come on, baby.
Here we go.
[Singing " Ain't No Mountain High Enough".]
- Wait a minute, now, Reesie.
- [Stops.]
You mean, if I was on one side of Mount Everest and you was on the other.
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.
you'd still come and get me? - Yeah, Cephie.
- That's a very high mountain.
- [Squeals.]
- [Laughs.]
[Both Resume Singing Loudly.]
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Cephus.
- [Stops.]
- You mean to tell me.
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.
- Uh-huh.
If we were on opposite sides of the Amazon River, you'd still come get me? - Yes, Reesie.
- [Squeals.]
- You know you ain't got no boat, Cephus.
- [Both Laugh.]
[Both Resume.]
- [Stops.]
- Wa-a-a-ait a minute now, Reesie.
You mean to tell me, if I was stuck in the middle of the San Fernando Valley.
.
.
at the side of the road with a flat tire, you would still come to get me? Yes, Cephus.
I would.
- You know you ain't got no spare.
- [Laughs.]
- [Vocalizing Scream.]
- Okay.
I think I've heard enough.
- Okay.
Cephus? See, we gonna bring it down now.
We gonna bring it down.
- All right.
Now, there's somebody very special in the audience tonight.
Now, some of you may call him a convicted murderer.
.
.
but we like to call him "Ru-u-udy-y-y.
" Rudy, is that a gun in your pocket? Rudy, you tryin' to steal my woman? Just kiddin', man.
- Stand up, Rudy.
- Stand up.
Come on, Rudy.
Stand up, man.
- Come on.
- Is this some kind of a joke? - Rudy, this is for you.
- Yo-o-ou.
[Both Resume.]
[Rudy Yelling.]
Come on, baby.
! - Come on.
Sing that.
- Kill me! - [Both Slow Down, Hold Note.]
- [Piano Tremolo.]
- [Resume, Faster.]
- [Piano Resumes.]
Somebody throw that switch! Please! - [Slow Down, Hold Note.]
- [Whimpering.]
- [Resume, Faster.]
- Oh, God.
! Send me to hell.
! Why? Warden, please.
! [Faster, Indistinct.]
[Both Vocalizing.]
Rudy! Oh, Rudy! Come on.
Get up, now, man.
- Come on! - Almost up there, Rudy! - That's right.
Take my hand.
Come on.
- Come on.
[Man.]
He's excited.
She's excited.
Everybody's excited for.
.
.
[Together.]
Do You Feel Lucky? Join host Dirty Harryfor Fox's new game show.
.
.
where contestants spin.
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.
and win.
! - Come on, bullet! [Yelps.]
- [Gunshot.]
- Win big cash.
- One.
.
.
[Audience.]
Two, three.
.
.
- [Man.]
Win big prizes.
- Come on, bullet! - [Gunshot.]
- Win big fun.
! [Groans.]
Oh, yeah.
So, for a shoot-'em-upgood time.
.
.
I won.
[Groans.]
You won't want to missFox's all-new game show.
.
.
- [Audience, Together.]
Do You Feel Lucky? - [Gunfire.]
[Hip-hop.]
[Applauding.]
Praise the Lord.
Yes, indeed.
Welcome back to the First Church of Discount Sin.
- I am the Reverend Ed Cash.
- And I am the Doctor Reverend Carl Pathos.
- And tonight we're gonna set you free.
- Amen.
- We're gonna loosen you up.
- Praise the Lord.
- We're gonna let it all hang out.
- I left my underwear at home tonight, brother.
- Well, maybe not "hang out" like that.
- Pardon me, brother.
We like to call ourselves the 595 Club.
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that's right, marked down from 700.
See, tonight our first special is a two-for-one sale on adultery.
Alleluia! Yes, indeed.
So, if you are already in a sinful relationship.
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.
but you got your eye on somebody else.
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.
you can be forgiven for both of them for just 99.
95.
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even less on our Frequent Sinner Plan.
Oh, yes.
You'll save almost five dollars per sin, and the 10th sin is.
.
.
what? - [Woman.]
Free.
- Free.
That's right.
- And how wonderful it is to be free of sin.
- Oh, praise the Lord.
Free from the haunting feeling that you've stooped to the weakness of the flesh.
- Preach, brother.
Preach on.
- You've driven to that remote motel and watched that woman.
.
.
do vile things with items from all four of the basic food groups.
[Sobs.]
You lost me there, brother.
[Continues Sobbing.]
- I am spiritual scum! - Yes, you are, but look at there.
- [Church Organ, Fanfare.]
- It's time for our bluelight special.
- Yes, indeed.
Our featured sin for tonight is bigamy.
- [Breathing Heavily.]
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna go even further.
I'm gonna make it any sin beginning with the letter "B.
" You can get discount rates right now on blasphemy.
.
.
- burglary, bribery.
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.
- Reverend.
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what about the big "B"? Sounds like someone's been.
.
.
[Imitating Sheep.]
a ba-a-ad boy.
You're sheddin' on my coat, please.
So let's go to the phones right now.
Line two,does your sin begin with the letter "B"? [Boy On Speaker.]
No.
I was wonderingwhen you were getting to the "M's.
" Ooh! Remember, it is written.
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.
"If the right hand offendeth thee, then cut it off and cast it away.
" But of course, here, for a mere donation of 29.
95, you can just wash that away.
I can smell the bargain.
- Line three, what is your sin? - [Man On Speaker.]
It's my wife.
She's had affairs with the mailman,the bottled-water man.
.
.
the TVcable manand the gas man.
Well, it sounds like she needs a little personal counseling.
Why don't you have her come by the studio, and I can lay my healin' hands on her? It's too late for that.
I'm callin'from death row.
[Rev.
Cash.]
Uh-oh.
Sounds like you needsome forgiveness in a hurry.
And lucky for you, I can speak to the Lord right away on your behalf.
And I will speak to him through tongues.
You just hold on a minute.
I got his 800 number.
Peter Piper picked a pepper, pickled pepper, pick a pepper.
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.
- Peter Piper pick.
.
.
pick.
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.
- Sounds like we got a bad connection, brother.
I think so.
I should try again.
Seashell, she sells by the seashore with the seashells, she shell.
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.
Another bad connection.
Let me try this one.
Try the beeper number.
Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do.
Do, my, mi, fa, so, la, ti.
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.
And that bring us back to.
.
.
what? "Dough.
" That's right.
- As in "donation.
" Let's see the tote board.
- Bring it down.
[Church Organ, Fanfare.]
Eleven dollars? Eleven dollars? Now, that's pitiful.
I know y'all done sinned more than that.
I done sinned with half of you more than that in this room now.
You know, my colleague, Oral Roberts, was told by the Lord.
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to raise eight million dollars.
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.
- or the Lord would take his life.
- Yes, he was.
Now, Reverend Cash and myself find ourselves in a similar situation.
Amen.
See, now, you all.
.
.
the peoplethat called in for the adultery special.
.
.
you gotta keep in mind, we still have the numbers to your spouses, see.
So if y'all don't start callin', we gonna do some callin' of our own.
We're gonna reach out and tell somebody.
Yes, indeed.
Uh-oh, I can feel the Lord workin'.
Look at here.
- It's a miracle, brother! - Yes, indeed.
- Brother Carl, take us out with a song.
- Gladly.
He'll rip my lips off and poke my eyes out And use my colon for double Dutch And then He'll take my head and stuff it in the toilet Come on, everyone.
- Come on, everyone.
- [No Singing.]
[Hip-hop.]
- [Man.]
If you were charmed by Pretty Woman.
.
.
- Hey, you wanna go out? - Anybody goin' out, already? Is anybody.
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.
- You're gonna love the sequel: Pretty Buffed Woman, starringchampion female bodybuilder Vera de Milo.
How 'bout a little booty, cutie? Come on, honey.
Loser! [In Deep Voice.]
Hi, there, handsome.
How about a date? Uh, no thanks.
Maybe some other time.
[Retches.]
Hey! What the.
.
.
- Guess what? It's Sadie Hawkins Day.
- [Tires Squealing.]
How about a lift to your hotel, moneybags? [Coughing.]
I think I'm gonna stick around for another week or so.
Uh, actually.
.
.
my plane leaves tomorrow morning.
I don't think so.
[Spits, Coughs.]
But I think I could reschedule.
Really? I can't believe this.
It's a dream come true.
Take me shopping, bubblehead.
[Fabric Tears.]
[Tears.]
[Growling.]
Next! This'll do.
Charge it.
[Whinnying.]
[Groaning.]
[Man.]
Vera de Milo is a Pretty Buffed Woman.
[Strained.]
What do you want from me? I want the fairy tale.
[Whinnies, Blows.]
Coming soon to a theater near you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for coming to the show.
Listen here.
Uh, the gentleman I'm gonna bring on.
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to take us home tonight, um.
.
.
It's very.
.
.
It's a very special moment for me.
This guy, um, was there when I did my very first film, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.
He did the theme song, "Jack of Spades," and, um, really added something special to the film, and I'm glad he's here tonight.
Performing from the classic album Criminal Minded.
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a man who's in a class by himself, the preacher, the prophet, the poet.
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.
KRS-One.
- One, two.
One, two.
Yes.
- [Drumbeat Starts.]
And as you open up your Christmas gifts.
.
.
we're gonna give you a little Christmas classic, and it goes a little something like this.
This goes out to the New York crew in the house.
New York, make some noise.
- [Cheers.]
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
As you know, this is the mighty Boogie Down Productions.
And this is not Milli Vanilli.
We are live! [Laughs.]
So check it out.
So check it out.
[Rapping.]
[Laughs.]
New York, make some noise in the house! - [Cheers.]
- [Scatting.]
[Resumes Rapping.]
- [Laughs, Stops Rapping.]
- [Drumbeat Continues.]
'Nuff respect.
'Nuff respect.
This is Boogie Down Productions.