Life in Pieces (2015) s02e19 Episode Script

(doorbell rings) - Hi, come on in.
- Hi! - Yay.
- Come on in.
- Thank you so much for watching Lark last minute.
- Oh, of course.
I know, Colleen, you had to work today.
And Matt, you had to - so, thank you.
- Yep.
Yeah, I mean, first interview for preschool.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, hey.
And they place a-a lot of emphasis on diversity so (in British accent): I'm gonna have to do the interview like this.
I wouldn't.
- Yeah, what's that? - But no worries.
This is like my dream day off.
I love Lark.
- Oh, and she is so crazy about you.
- (gasps) - I mean, she can't stop talking about you.
- No.
- Oh.
Oh.
- JEN: You know? But just be sure when she wakes up - to reintroduce yourself.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
And so I left you a schedule - Uh-huh.
- and all of her favorite toys and books, some of which are in our bathroom.
That's a question for Greg.
- But we really should get - Okay.
Okay, and, uh, you know, where's her stroller in case we want to take her outside, a free-range Lark? - Oh.
- You know what, I think let's make today just, like, an inside day.
- GREG: Yeah.
- Yeah, just 'cause we don't want to risk her making friends with a new baby 'cause then we'd have to be nice to the parents.
- Uh-huh.
Got it.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Very good.
- Okay.
Hadn't thought of that.
- Thanks, guys.
- Bye, guys.
- Good luck.
- Take care.
COLLEEN: Aw, this is fun.
It's like a little window into our future as parents.
You think if we ever have a kid, it's gonna be this cute? Even cuter.
Ours is gonna be one of those multiracial babies Yeah.
which are the only kinds they put in commercials these days.
Right.
MATT: I'm kind of a baby expert 'cause, you know, I-I looked after all of Heather's kids, and then we had this little baby bird that didn't make it.
Well, I'm glad you know what you're doing 'cause I didn't babysit much growing up.
Really? Not even in high school? Well, I did once, but then I became known as "the girl who flirted with a dad," and that kind of killed my career and a marriage.
And that's why everyone was very confused at your mommy and daddy's wedding.
I-I don't get it.
She giggled at this thing for like ten minutes and suddenly she hates it.
And now I'm starting to wonder if it was ever really all that funny to begin with.
She's just staring into space.
Is that normal? I don't know.
This is a weird baby, man.
Ooh, I know, we could take her to a pet store, and let her put her fingers in all the cages.
That's a great idea.
We're ready for an outing.
Besides, it'll put some life into this dumb Greg baby.
Oh, wait.
Jen said we didn't need to take her anywhere in the stroller.
We're not gonna take a stroller.
(gasps) Okay, I've got a bottle and snacks and that puppet in case it makes a comeback.
You really thought of everything.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna be a really good mom.
I know you are.
Aw.
(chuckles) (Velcro ripping) She's fine.
COLLEEN: Oh, I feel terrible.
Sleeping with that dad in high school was a sign I wasn't meant to take care of kids.
You said you just flirted with him.
Huh? Maybe we should call Jen.
No way.
We'll look incompetent.
And then when we have kids of our own, everyone will be worried that we can't handle it.
Well, maybe we can't.
Oh, we dropped one baby on her face.
We'll be much more careful with ours.
- Yeah.
You're right.
- Yeah.
I'm glad we can learn these lessons on someone else's baby.
Totally.
(crying) Really? We drop you on your head, you don't cry.
Now you're crying at this? Greg baby.
- (cell phone rings) - Oh, no.
What do we do? Oh, no, no, no.
Don't answer.
No, they'll hear in our voice that something is wrong, and then they'll start to worry, so just, like, let it ring forever.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- (crying) - Hi.
I think it totally works.
I can still see it.
Yeah.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to dismiss your Blue Man Group idea.
(mechanical whirring) (gasps) That's the garage.
They're home.
Okay, whoa, whoa, stay calm.
It's not a big deal.
Lark is fine.
And maybe we don't have to explain anything.
Okay.
You go there.
- You stay there, okay? Yeah.
- MATT: Ready? Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, no.
No, God, you opened the door into her face.
I think that's gonna leave a mark.
Oh, yep, there it is.
Yeah.
You do know that we have cameras everywhere and we watched the whole thing on my phone? No, we did not know that.
Give me my child.
Oh, sweetie, are you okay? COLLEEN: We're really sorry.
And look, she's fine.
Yeah, and sorry about, you know, having sex on your bed.
Yeah.
Well, we don't have cameras in the bedroom.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Uh, I was gonna say that I was pretty impressed with the way you two came together in a crisis.
The first time Lark tripped over one of my shoes and got a fat lip, Greg gave me the stink eye and called me a slut.
Huh.
She picks up her shoes now, though.
Look at that.
See? We do make a good team.
- We do.
- (chuckles) Maybe we're gonna be great parents after all.
Well, you know, you did concuss a baby and then try to fix it with a makeover, but I guess everyone's definition of great is different.
(chuckles) Well, uh, I'm gonna go clean our sheets.
And also this baby's diaper because didn't catch that on the surveillance.
Okay.
I thought you said you were gonna do that.
- Well, I'll do it if it's our baby.
- Yeah.
Oh, man.
Look at this.
Yeah, I get it, Marmaduke's a big boy.
No.
No.
That-That virtual health care company I wanted to invest in years ago just went public.
(sighs) If you would have let me invest that money my parents gave us, we would be rich, and not in the stupid way that you're supposed to say with, like, friends and health, but in the good way, with money.
Virtual health care? I never told you that you couldn't invest in that.
Yes, you did! Babe, it was the biggest fight we ever had.
It caused my scalp to reject my new hair plugs.
Babe, biggest fight we ever had was how much skill does it take to become a game show host.
It is very difficult, but I am talking about a much bigger fight.
We were screaming at each other in the middle of that Asian fusion restaurant.
You left crying.
And then the delivery guy had to drive me home on his handlebars.
Oh, was that the place with the hamburger egg rolls? - So, you remember the egg rolls - Yes.
but you don't remember the biggest fight in the history of our relationship? Oh, my God.
I had a sex dream about those egg rolls.
TIM: All right, look, I'm just upset because if your mom hadn't put the kibosh on my dreams, we'd all be wearing, you know, name-brand sneakers instead of these Air Gordons.
Don't you have to wear those because of your corns? Look, that's not the point.
The point is that I want her to acknowledge how much money she cost us.
You know.
I mean, look, this is the first time I've ever been proven right in an argument, and now your mother just conveniently forgets about it? Dad, this space is too small.
Ah, I never listen to people who say I can't fit into things.
TYLER: Well, Clementine and I like to handle our arguments like mature adults.
That's why we only fight naked.
You should try it.
Yeah, it helps remind you of each other's vulnerabilities, and then the fights don't last as long.
It's called Let Me Geni-Tell Ya.
No, it's not.
It's called Nude Feud.
Um, I think I know what it's called.
My Mom and Uncle Dad invented it.
TYLER: No, they didn't.
I came up with it when we got in that argument in the shower about the pee rules.
No, you didn't.
Okay, we are settling this right now.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Nobody's getting naked in my car unless it's me.
TYLER: Why should we take advice from you and Mom? Do you know how traumatizing it is to be a little kid and go into an Asian Fusion restaurant, asking for your dad's hair plugs back? That was genuine Norwegian corpse hair.
I could have replanted that stuff.
And wait a minute.
If you remember that, that means you remember the argument.
Oh! You got to tell your mom.
Nobody's getting ice cream until you do.
I didn't even want ice cream.
You asked us to come with you because you were too embarrassed to go alone.
That's because I was here this morning.
All right, let's go.
And for the record, I fit in the spot.
TYLER: Yeah, I'd like to see you pull out.
I just want to make sure that everyone has the same information, so we can all agree that for once, I was right.
Go ahead, Tyler.
So you and Dad came home, and you were arguing about the investment.
Aha, yes! See? Now you remember.
Yeah, and then you said that you make the money, so you get to make the decisions.
Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That sounds familiar.
- I said that? - Yeah.
And then you said that Mom got to decide what she packed for my lunch, and that was enough decision-making for her, so All right, that'll do, Tyler.
Yeah, this is all coming back to me now.
But I didn't even get to the part where you called her Hey, who asked you, anyway? Right? I'm gonna go get you a diamond bracelet out of my apology drawer.
Wait, so now you don't want to talk about it, now that I actually remember the fight? Well, there's no need to.
Everybody's memories are sufficiently refreshed, and apologies accepted.
Hey, I bet we're all starving.
What are you making for For what, Tim? What am I making for what? For reservations for yourself - for the spa for tomorrow.
- Oh, yeah.
That is happening.
But let's get back to this, about how you went out of your way to demean me as a wife, a mother, and a woman.
And hey, just so you know, guy, we can talk about this all night long, because tomorrow's lunches are already packed.
You two are gonna want to leave.
Wait, so your mom is not making dinner? Oh, no, he's getting naked.
We got to go.
We should not have suggested this - to anyone over the age of 20.
- TYLER: Okay If you're gonna do that thing that you talk to me with your belly button, I'm not in the mood.
If this is gonna be a big fight, we have to do it naked - apparently that helps.
- (laughs) Okay.
You know what? I can fight with you naked just as well as I can with my clothes on.
In fact, naked (whispering): I got a lot more ammo.
Full Monty.
Okay, this works.
- Yeah.
- I feel more vulnerable.
(exhales) It's hard to it's hard - I - I don't know if I'd say that.
It's getting there, though.
Oh.
(laughs) Oh, what were you talking about? I was saying it's hard to be mad at you.
- Oh.
- But it's, yeah Don't make me laugh, it bounces.
That was good.
That was really good.
Hey, I'm sorry about all the money that I lost us.
Oh, it's okay.
(silly voice): I'm sorry, too, that I demeaned you as a wife and a mother.
(both laughing) I love it.
I don't know why I said that I wasn't in the mood.
- I'm always in the mood for that.
- Mm.
I wish you would have proposed to me like that.
I mean, how many other kids you know that's got a real professional inventor in their family? - Actually, Kyle Edison's great, great - Yeah, whatever.
GREG: Welcome to the Dream Lab.
So tell me about your project.
I have to come up with an idea, build a prototype, and then develop a business plan.
It's so stupid.
If I actually had any good ideas, then I would already be an inventor.
(chuckles) Well, it's a good thing little Ricky Hammock didn't say that.
Although he would have been so much more productive if his first invention wasn't a hammock.
(clears throat) Excuse me.
I had those when I was little.
And that's precisely the problem.
See, it's not just little kids that need to get to places in a hurry.
It's also big, important people, such as myself.
Well, they do make you look taller.
I'd do anything for that.
(chuckles) Why don't you just wear heels? My mom won't let me.
If only they made shoes with retractable heels, then I could leave the house in flats, then switch to heels when I got to school.
Bingo.
Sam, it's brilliant.
That's your idea.
We can call them Swiss Army Heels.
Or how about Peek-A-Boots? Eh.
It's good to have options.
(floor squeaks) Oh! Huh.
So, what do you think? Well, I think it's a good draft.
But just playing devil's advocate here I was just envisioning this totally different, and just a little bit better.
Uh So lose that.
Keep this first word, but then all of that's got to go.
Uh, you know what? What do you say we just start from scratch? Shall we? So, let's What if we make the straps Uh, shh, shh.
Okay, um All right? My ideas are whispering to me, and I have to (door closes) - GREG: Hey! - Hey.
Look who stopped over to see how you did on your project.
So, how'd we do? I got a B+.
- B+.
- That's so great.
Thank you, little brother.
Thanks for what? - I invented a failure.
- Oh, God.
No, I am a professional inventor, I should be getting an A- at least.
Minimum.
I got to get to my Dream Lab.
What made da Vinci so influential to Tesla was his GREG: Hello.
Uh, my name is Greg Short, and I have a problem.
Sir, the A.
A.
meeting isn't until 6:00.
No.
No, no, no.
I am, uh, Sam's uncle, here.
And I'd like to speak with you about her grade.
I'm teaching.
Are you? Because it really sounds like you're unfairly criticizing.
Samantha's prototype was amazing, and her essay was super, duper smart, I mean, it included very witty wordplay, such as, uh, "Come heel or high water.
" Sir, did you do her project for her? No.
No, I did not.
But I am a professional, um, inventor, and I know a good idea when I hear one.
MRS.
SANDOVAL: Oh.
We've been studying inventors.
Maybe you could tell the class about your work.
Oh.
Uh All right, sure.
Yeah, I can spit my flow.
Mrs.
Sandoval, can I take a mental health day? So, as I'm sure Sam told you, I'm the guy that invented CryTunes.
Ha.
Which is a monitor that, uh, converts the sound of a crying baby into smooth jazz.
It's something my wife and I have been using with our daughter.
Wife? Yeah, I have a wife.
Do you have any more questions? Do you always ignore your child when it's in distress? We Uh, it's not ignoring.
So if a stranger abducts your baby, you'd just hear jazz? Yeah, this idea is completely unsafe.
No, it's not.
Good comeback.
Why don't you talk more about how you plan on growing your business? Yeah.
Yeah.
We are growing at, uh, an almost-alarming rate.
But in a good way.
Uh, we're trying to expand our musical libraries to include alt-rock, alt-ska.
All the alts.
Do you have the licensing for that? Uh, not yet.
This is a legal nightmare.
(indistinct chatter) Okay, look, I'm talking with people about selling my company for a lot of money, so Then why are you talking to us? Because I love the children.
I hate them.
They ridiculed me.
First it was CryTunes, then it was my jeans, then it was my posture.
Aw, honey.
They didn't mention you wearing your sunglasses on the back of your neck.
(knocking on door) Who's that? Sam? Hi.
What are you doing here? Have you come to make fun of my phone case, too? They made fun of my phone case.
I'm really sorry about all that.
If it makes you feel any better, one of the boys thought you were cute.
Eh, you're just saying that.
Okay, I am.
But for real.
One of my friend's parents invests in startups, and he loves Peek-A-Boots.
He wants to fund it.
What? That's amazing.
Yeah.
That's, that's really great news, that there's a successful inventor in the family.
I'm very happy for you.
What do you mean "me"? This is our idea.
I can't do this without you.
Really? Okay.
Uh I like the sound of this.
Me, too.
Partners.
70/30.
Okay, well, that's not contractually binding.
I'll write something up.
Let's go celebrate, right? This is so exciting, you guys.
Be right back.
(whistling) I don't touch bugs, you know? They're icky.
Didn't you fight in a war? Some say I still am.
Hi, sweetie.
JOHN: Hey, there's our favorite almost eight or nine-year-old granddaughter.
JOAN: We got you an early birthday gift because we couldn't wait to shower you with love and my coupon expires tomorrow.
Oh, you shouldn't have, guys.
Because this year I just want gift cards.
That way, I can get what I want, and not just a bunch of pink stuff.
Giving gifts is not about buying someone something they want, it's about getting them something they don't want, so they learn to appreciate it.
You want to open it? Yes.
Thank you.
A butterfly kit? Yes! Those little squirmy wormies are gonna transform magically into butterflies.
They are nature's drag queens.
SOPHIA: Thanks.
How long does it take? Mm, just two weeks.
- Two weeks? - Yeah.
Couldn't you have thrown down a few extra bucks to get the same-day butterflies? I mean, you got a pension, right, Pop-Pop? Look, you can't pay nature to hurry things along.
If you could, I wouldn't clock so many hours on the toilet.
- Ha.
- Ugh.
Wow, these cocoons are even more boring than the movie of the same name.
Boring? Inside the cocoon, the caterpillar is digesting itself.
If you were to cut it open, caterpillar guts would ooze out.
Ooh, let's do that.
Oh, no! Wait, wait.
No.
This is the exciting part, where you get to watch them hang there for, like, ten more days.
(groans) - Fine.
- Great idea.
You're gonna want to remember this experience.
Actually, Michelangelo in class said that he would buy these.
And since I really ripped him off in our last business venture, he wants pictures first.
So you're selling them, hmm? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, then.
Uh, well, I'm sure Micacacalo will give them a good home.
A good mobile home.
Sophia wants to sell our butterflies because she says, (little girl voice): "They're boring.
" Oh, why are kids so impatient? She needs to grow up already.
Well, it seems to me some older folks can be impatient, too.
I don't have time for this.
Why is everybody so annoying? JOHN: Sophia.
Look, I understand if you want to sell a piece of Pop-Pop's heart.
I mean, butterflies.
Pop-Pop, one of the cocoons fell off the branch.
I don't want him to die.
I'm only nine, and I've already buried three pets and my sheets that someone peed on.
Well, I'll try to reattach him to the branch.
But I'll warn you, it's gonna be a risky procedure, because I don't touch bugs.
They're icky.
I do this for Dad when he's making a sandwich.
Ah, well.
Yeah, we've done all we can to save one of God's creatures.
I'm gonna name her Deirdre.
Well, I guess that's fair, since I named all of those other ones John.
I really hope she pulls through.
Or dies quickly, so she's not a burden.
Did I miss it? I ran out on my probation hearing at the country club as soon as I heard.
Nope, you're just in time.
They're hatching.
Ooh, thank God.
It's the only hobby I got left.
Oh, no, Deirdre never came out.
But let's not tell the other butterflies yet.
Let them keep their innocence a little longer.
Sweetie, I'm sure she's flying in heaven.
Yeah, but everyone flies up there, so it's, like, no big deal.
No, look, she's hatching! Why is saying good-bye always so hard? I know, but if you love something, you have to set it free.
Right? Is that's why you walk around with your robe open? This is the best gift ever.
When I grow up, I'm gonna get a butterfly tattoo on my lower back.
You want to do the honors? (exhales) (laughs) (gasping, laughter) (squawking) (gasping) What are those crows doing? They're just saying hello.
Uh, you know, welcoming them to the neighborhood.
Oh, that was nice of them.
They're happy they're here.
Yeah, well, the lesson about life wasn't quick, the one about death sure is, huh? What do you mean?