M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e19 Episode Script

##[Bugler Playing "Reveille"Off-key.]
- [Mclntyre.]
Lap sponge.
- [Nurse.]
Lap sponge.
- [Pierce.]
Hey, Sam, can you see all right? - Perfect.
- Lieutenant, put this man under.
- I want you to observe this technique.
- Kellye, get some more pulls out quick! - Clamp! Clamp! Come on! [Man.]
Move a little bit to your right, will you? Okay, where are the bolts for it? Hey, Sam, how about this? [Trying To Speak Korean.]
Um, "Give him a bicarbonate, and tell him to stay off his feet.
" Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"? No, it's "your uncle has gas from eating cabbage.
" [Chuckles.]
I think you're ready for the U.
N.
Captain Pak, you are here as a medical observer, not to give us language lessons.
Oh, I know, Sam.
[Trying To Speak Korean.]
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- [Pierce.]
What? Well, your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.
- [Nurse Laughing.]
- Hey, terrific! Oh, jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber.
What's Korean for "quack"? "Quack?" That's my father-in-law's name.
- Frank, you're a father-in-law.
Saline for irrigation.
- Saline.
Frank, by a strange coincidence, the inhabitants of Korea communicate in Korean.
It wouldn't hurt us to speak their language.
I speak American.
And I can go anyplace in the world.
We can have you packed in 20 minutes.
We're living in Korea, Frank.
Clamp.
- Clamp.
- Not me, fella.
Hmm.
I'm part of the American military establishment.
I eat in an American mess.
I shop in an American P.
X.
All I wanna do is save these people and go home.
And we thank you from the bottom of our bomb craters.
- I don't need any of your lip.
- "Lip" is Sam's cousin.
Oh, pish-posh.
"Pish-posh?" That's my mother's family.
## [Whistling.]
- [Knock At Door.]
- Yo! Come in.
Morning, Radar.
[Moos.]
Cheese and crackers! Uh, now just take it easy, Bossy.
Nobody's gonna hurt you, sweetie.
Radar! Sit! Sit, lady! Stay! - Radar! - Sir, there's a Korean family out here.
Well, their dog's in here.
Holy cow! Never mind his religion, Radar.
Just get him outta here.
Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe? Shine? Shine? Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe? Hey, mister.
Hey, fella! Look, friend.
You can't build your hooch here.
Hospital.
Hospital.
Yo! Yo! [Whistles.]
You're on government property.
Go home.
Go-ey home-y.
Go-ey home-y.
Uh, Radar.
Here, tell him, will you? Uh [Clears Throat.]
Go-ey home-y.
Oh, that's just dandy, Radar.
Look, folks.
You've picked a very busy spot.
The war comes through here.
Well, not war in your war-fighting sense, but rather in your aftermath sense, which is still war-war.
Uh, not now, sonny.
Uh, people, we can't have this.
What the deuce is going on here, Colonel? What are these people doing? Oh, Frank, will you for pete's sake, for heaven's sake? I'm up to my naval in locals.
Exactly why, I'm not sure.
The only thing I am sure of is I don't need you.
Well, why are they building a house? I don't know, Frank.
Maybe they were thrown out of their hotel.
How should I know? Radar, go get - Captain Pak is on his way, sir.
- Uh, look.
- You natives - [Hammering.]
Now hear this! You can't build a house on a U.
S.
Military reservation.
- Now amscray! Scat! [Yells In Korean.]
Great going, Frank.
Now you've aggravated them, you dumb dodo.
I had the situation under control before you got here.
Could I have my leg back, please? Colonel, these people are poachers.
I'd say fire a few shots over their heads.
That'll chase 'em.
What do you wanna do, Frank, start a military incident in the middle of a war? - Is that what you want? - There are times when a show of strength - is the only way.
- Frank? Just ran into Teddy Roosevelt.
Says he won't charge up the hill without you.
Hey, what's the problem? - Looks like we got visitors.
- Well, they just moved in.
Started setting up housekeeping.
You gotta talk to 'em, Sam.
Get the first month's rent in advance.
I mean, we got a real hoo-ha goin' here.
Excuse me.
Any of you folks Catholic? Father, do you mind? Hold it.
[Both Speaking Korean.]
- What's the poop, Sam? - Well, the poop is he says that this is his farm and you are on his land.
That settles it.
Let's go home.
Are we just gonna stand around and let these foreigners take over the 4077 th? Frank's right.
After all, this is their land.
What right have they got to it? Hell's bells, Major! The 4077 th is a field hospital.
Well, we can't handle it! It's up to you Civilian Affairs boys.
That's what you're paid for.
Yeah, I know.
$640 a month isn't real money, but it does keep the old bulldog from barking.
Yeah.
Radar, will you do something with him before he gives me a pedicure? Yo, I'm right here, Major.
Right, five of them.
Mom, Dad, three youngsters and an ox that's bucking for elephant.
Yeah.
Yeah! Okay, boy.
Great shoe shine.
Here you go.
Candy? Dollar for shine, Joe.
- Colonel, he wants a dollar.
- Well, pay him.
- Uh, take it out of petty cash.
- Sir, you took it all.
Uh, j-just hold it.
Radar, get him some grub.
Oh, yes, sir.
I don't know their names! They're just your garden-variety Korean refugee, and they keep yelping that we're on their farm! Yeah.
Well, listen.
Get up here and straighten this out, will ya? Okay.
"Goom-bye.
" Gee! My name Choon Hi.
Oh.
Hi.
You're not with those others, are you? I mean, you speak our verbiage.
I learn from the nuns.
Oh.
Oh! Hi, little fella.
Little fella? You gonna grow up and be a big Korean soldier, just like Daddy? - His name Su Yong.
- Oh.
- Father is a soldier.
- Uh-huh.
- Not Korean soldier.
- Oh.
His father is G.
I.
Joe.
Well, I'm afraid we don't have anybody by that name here, Miss.
Su Yong father speak nice to me, like wind song.
Well, some of our guys can really shovel the old wind song.
- His father not just guy.
- Yeah? He doctor.
MASH 4077.
Well, that's our phone number.
And you say he could really talk up the old wind song, eh? Pierce and/or Mclntyre.
- Sir? - Yo.
I took the children and got them some chow, but we better order some more rubber boots, 'cause we got ox problems.
- Where? - You name it.
Oh, that's one more thing on my hands.
All right.
Get Pierce and Mclntyre over here on the double.
- Yes, sir.
- Henry.
- Yeah? - Good news.
- I'll take it.
I had a long, reasonable talk with the farmer.
Everything's cool.
- Great.
- You got three days to get the hell outta here.
Sam, what's Korean for "suicide"? That's theJapanese.
We don't do that shtick.
You wanna step in my office for another goody? Sam, this is Miss Choon Hi.
The baby is Su Yong.
- You? - Stand by for the fingering of the father.
- Aha.
- Him not doctor.
You betcha.
I don't make house calls.
Well, Sheriff, looks like you got troubles right here in Pregnant City.
- Thanks a lot.
- Gimme the key.
- You called, Master? - This better be good, Henry.
- It's pretty tough getting across the compound.
- [Stomps Foot.]
Captain Pierce, Captain Mclntyre, I believe one of you knows Miss Choon Hi just a little bit better than the other one of you knows Miss Choon Hi.
Miss Hi claims that she and one of our doctors committed parenthood.
Any volunteers? I got the forms for the boots, sir.
Him doctor! Radar? Radar! - [Trying To Speak Korean.]
- [Baby Gurgling.]
- What's that? - Mazel tov.
She's applied for legal aid to theJudge Advocate General, naming Dr.
O'Reilly here as the father.
Radar.
Radar.
Radar.
- Our little boy has grown up, Henry.
- I have not! Well, what do you have to say about Exhibit "A," which is at this moment having a drink at the bar? - It's not mine! - The mother says it is.
Well, what does she know? I mean, she's mixing me up with somebody else.
That's possible.
You all look alike to us.
Come on, Radar.
Level.
Could you be the father? Of course I could, but I'm not.
I mean, I do, but I didn't.
- Do you admit that you know her? - Sure I know her.
She's from the village.
I've run into her a few times.
- Well, once, anyway.
- No! Never! You'd better be telling the truth, Radar.
They're sending someone from theJudge Advocate to question you.
- I'm not worried.
- Radar, why would she pick on you? - Of all people.
- Now what is that crack? Just 'cause I don't fool around like you guys doesn't mean I don't fool around like you guys.
I mean, well, you know, I'm pretty well-known in that village.
- I'm down there every Saturday night.
- Playing doctor.
Radar.
Radar.
Radar.
- Colonel? - Frank, this is no time to reenlist.
You have no idea how it disgusts me to find myself here.
We share your disgust, Frank.
That farmer and his family are making a shambles out of the compound.
How can you make a shambles out of a shambles? These people are your people.
They oughta get down on the ground and kiss their lucky stars above that we are over here spilling our blood to keep them safe from democracy.
And doing a hell of a job.
Frank, will you just keep your pants on? I've got a call in to Civilian Affairs.
Meanwhile, you're just going to sit there and watch a girl nurse a baby? Is that girl nursing a baby? No, that's a child doing maternal chin-ups.
What the blue blazes is going on here? She claims Radar's the father.
You dirty little noncom! Frank, you've got a baby.
- Three.
- Well, I'm married.
And I'm an officer.
Perhaps you can help me, Officer.
I've just been robbed.
Sir, that baby is not mine, sir.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, hogwash.
That's what they all say.
Just check the baby's blood and the mother's against his type, and you'll know P.
D.
Q.
- Very good, Frank.
- Brilliant! [Burns.]
It's outrageous! Cooking, sewing, farming.
- [Blake.]
It's called staying alive, Frank.
- They can't do that.
Not on a U.
S.
American military post.
Frank, why don't you call the Civilian Affairs officer? - Me, sir? - Yeah, I talked with him.
The man makes no sense, and you're very good at that.
Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! - Go get 'em, Frank.
Kill! - Right! - It isn't gonna hurt him, is it? - Of course not.
I'll have you know I've drawn more blood in my time than Dracula on a blind date.
- It's gonna be all right.
- Okay, pal, here we go.
- You ever think of pediatrics? - Oh, you make a fortune.
There's gold in them thar diapers.
[Pierce.]
And - [Baby Crying.]
- You said you weren't gonna hurt him! [Trapper.]
Oh, Radar, Radar.
You're acting like a nervous father.
Oh, it's just that he's so little.
[Pierce.]
Well, like father, like son.
- Will you cut that out! - We'll know in a minute.
We're going to match the mother's blood type and the baby's blood type - against yours.
- He's "B.
" - Stop peeking at my blood.
- And if the baby's blood type doesn't match yours, you're off the hook.
- And if it does? - Then that means it's possible.
In which case you either marry the young lady and take financial responsibility, or if you want the easy way out, we can adopt you and hide you in the attic.
We'll get back to you.
- You wanna save us the trouble? - I'm not worried.
- You understand the implications? - I do.
Remember that phrase.
- You're not mad? - [Baby Fussing.]
Oh, it's a little unexpected.
- You like the baby? - Oh, yeah.
I like all babies.
Sure is a great way to start a life.
- Hi, Radar.
- You son of a gun, you.
Takin' the family out to lunch? Oh, you jokers.
- How about that? - [Giggles.]
Here.
This is for you.
It's sort of like food.
Oh, uh, would you like me to Hey, uh, not so fast.
The ice cream won't melt into the cole slaw for a while yet.
Very spicy.
Better go easy on that stuff, Father.
Melt your beads.
Whoo-wee! It'll clear your sinus too.
[Jeep Approaches.]
- [Man.]
Colonel Blake? - Yo! First Lieutenant Harper, sir.
Oh, you're just in the nick of time.
I'll tell you something.
I got a split-level packin' crate goin' up, every boot's been shined within an inch of its life and that ox over there is two years behind in its fertilizer orders.
- Which one is pregnant, sir? - Oh, he's here for the flip side, Henry.
Judge Advocate General.
Uh, Lieutenant Harper, this is Captain Pak, R.
O.
K.
And this is Lieutenant Mulcahy, G-O-D.
Well, let's get crackin'.
Major, I certainly do appreciate the swift and decisive manner in which you attacked this matter.
Just between us majors, Major, Colonel Blake is not your clutch-type colonel.
Whatever he puts his hand to goes kerflooey! This whole camp is on the fritz.
[Chuckles.]
Well, many thanks again.
Hey, you're my kind of fella.
Hey, maybe we can get together sometime.
You know, I have a feeling that we're very much alike.
What? I beg your pardon! I'm a married man! I've got kids and everything.
No, I won't call you again, and don't you ever call me! - Major.
- Hmm? - Well, I got results, even if you didn't, Colonel.
- Fine, Frank, fine.
- Don't you wanna hear about my call? - One disaster at a time, Frank.
Right now we have to find out whether to buy a card for Radar this Father's Day.
If we were in the navy, I'd have you flogged.
Colonel, if you don't mind, I'd like to interview the complainant first.
- Radar.
- [Baby Gurgling.]
- Radar.
- [Baby Gurgling.]
You're dismissed until your presence is re-required.
- Where should I go? - Try out.
- Out? - Out, Radar, as in "not in.
" Oh, that out.
Now, this is the statement which bears your signature.
You first met Corporal Radar O'Reilly on 15 September.
All right.
The party's over.
Repeat, the party is over.
Comprende? We're combing you out of Uncle Sam's beard.
Sergeant.
And don't let them try to kid you.
They understand every word I'm saying.
And if they don't, the ox can translate.
- He's the only one listening.
- Where are they gonna go, Frank? There's a truck on its way from Civilian Affairs.
Until we move on, they'll be allowed to farm the next field.
- [Scoffs.]
- Frank, the next field is a minefield.
They'll have to plow it with a tweezer.
Frank, your head needs work.
Look, Pierce.
I appreciate the unfairness of this entire unfortunate unfairness.
I mean, no one hates this war better than I do.
Why don't we leave it to the army to do the right thing? I mean, they've been in this war business a long time.
Frank, they are not going to board that truck! Until we know where they're going.
Captains do not order majors! It's all my fault.
I failed him.
- You're not his father, Henry.
- No, as commanding officer.
Sam, have you ever heard me give the camp a sex orientation lecture? - No.
- Oh, man! I really get the joint rocking.
A kid like Radar gets worked up awful easy.
Save me a couple of seats for the next one.
- Colonel.
- Yo.
- I'm ready to talk to the corporal now.
- You got it.
Stop the presses, Henry! - Everything all right? - Oh, just fine.
We just finished typing the blood.
Corporal O'Reilly has blood type "B.
" For proof, I refer you to his egg-encrusted dog tags.
The mother has blood type "O," and the aforeborn baby has blood type "A.
" Radar is no more the father of that child than Trapper here.
- I have blood type "B.
" - [Harper.]
Colonel, who are these gentlemen, please? Oh, this is Captain Pierce.
This is Captain Mclntyre.
- This is Lieutenant Harper, Judge Advocate General.
- Are you men doctors? - Only when the moon is full.
- And will you sign and attest to that blood report? - Oh, absolutely.
- Positively.
We're not only brilliant surgeons, we were once arrested for notarizing in public.
Same sad story, fellas.
The real G.
I.
Father left her.
She's not ostracized by her family.
Radar was kind enough to give her a lift one day, and instead of a thank-you note, she gave him the baby.
- Sir! - Radar.
Sir, I thought it over, and I was lying before when I said the baby wasn't mine.
- It's hers, mine and ours.
- Radar.
No! You guys wouldn't know me when I was in town.
I mean, I remember that night 'cause I took a shower.
I was wearin' my paratrooper scarf with nothing on underneath.
I had maybe two beers, and I was looking for trouble.
I wanted to get a tattoo, but the guy had printed "Mother" so much, he'd run out of ink.
I was taking the jeep back, saw her hitching a ride and stopped.
And, uh, I'd rather not say anything more in front of the baby.
Radar.
- [Horn Honking.]
- Oh, Judas Priest, what now? [Horn Honking.]
You're one.
You're two.
You're three.
Gimme that! You're four.
You're five.
You're six.
- Frank, what's going on? - They're being relocated in the south with some other lucky refugees.
- Anything else I can do? - You can go with them.
- Just for six months.
- Yeah, till they get settled.
Oh, go jump in the lake! Why, Radar? Do you remember when she first came around and I said that I do, but I didn't? Mm.
Well, I didn't because I don't, and I never.
But I sure liked the way it felt when everybody thought I did.
You will.
- You think? - Oh.
Here you are, my children.
Just a little something to read on the trip.
If you have any questions, they've got branch offices all over.
Eh, she'll be okay, Radar.
She's got a family again.
All right, Dennis.
So long.
Bye-bye.
Good-bye.
Bless you.
- Hi, Radar! - You talking to me? Who are you going to go to the movies with tonight? - Wear the paratrooper scarf.
- Worked before.