Men in Trees s02e19 Episode Script
Taking the Lead
Previously on "Men in Trees" You guys gonna audition for my talent show? Let's drive to Elmo.
Uncle Ned! You came home! I just want to go back to the way we were.
I don't think I can go back.
I want you to leave my fiancée alone.
She's not your fiancée anymore.
Hey, Jack, Jack! Look what the dog did.
Oh, just shoes.
"Just shoes"? It's the new zen me.
I don't get attached to material possessions.
Oh, so now you want make-up sex? Whoa, there, buddy.
We've got to get him fixed.
Yeah, yeah, I know, but you're gonna wince every time I say it.
I can't help it.
I'm a guy.
Oh, he'll be fine.
These, I'm not so sure about.
But again, who cares? Not me.
Want to know why? You're zen? Zen and feeling flush.
I just received a check for the final delivery of my book.
Which means I can buy two new pairs of shoes I won't get attached to.
Heck, make it 20.
And 40 new flannel shirts for you! Thanks, but, uh, no guy needs that much flannel.
Okay, then, how about sweaters? Jackets? Mukluks for every day of the week? You name it, it's yours.
Wow! This is more than I made all year.
I ought to get into the relationship-book game.
It sure pays better than the wild-game game.
Congratulations, stud.
I guess that makes three studs in our house.
Though, Uncle Ned not for long.
You're cutting me off.
Yeah, unless you pay your tab.
Well, I thought we had an understanding.
You're not allowed to cut me off until I'm too drunk to notice.
Jerome, I need you.
Oh, if I had a nickel for every time a lady's said that to me.
You'd have a whole five cents.
Could you please open the post office for me? Sorry, it's closed, due to the fact that the postmaster is really enjoying his beer.
Oh, come on.
I just got paid for my book, and I want to send the check off to my bank.
Must be a big chunk of change if you're in such a hurry.
How much is it for? That is private information.
More than a hundred bucks? Of course it's more than a hundred.
She wrote a book, not a fortune cookie.
So, what - A grand? Oh, can't be more than a grand.
I mean, let's face it, she's no Robert Ludlum.
For your information, it is a lot more than a grand.
More than 10 grands? It is none of your business.
Damn.
She's loaded.
How does Jack feel about your big windfall? Oh, he was happy for me.
Oh, you don't say.
'Cause most guys aren't too keen on the idea of a woman making more than they do.
Oh, in 1950, maybe.
Yeah, Jerome.
Get with the times.
I mean, Dick wouldn't mind if I made more than him.
Would you? Of course not.
Though that would never happen since I am your superior.
Well, that's just a title.
And a pay grade.
And I have three more slashes here, so well, I own the Elmo Inn.
That's a whole other source of income your slashes have nothing to do with.
I, of course, would love to have a sugar lady.
Then I wouldn't have to worry about how I'm gonna pay my tab.
No, then I wouldn't have to worry about how you're gonna pay your tab.
Point is, if Marin would like to pay my bill, she'd be more than welcome.
Oh, Marin declines, but thank you for the offer.
Am I mistaken, or did all of you sign up for the talent show? - Yeah.
- Yeah! That's right.
A talent show that's happening in two days! Official rehearsals started an hour ago, and no one showed up! Am I the only person who cares about putting on a professional production? Listen, red, there's no need to get so worked up.
It's just a little show.
L- little show? Little show? Chief Celia, there are no little shows, only little performers with little talent and little chance of getting their sound cues right! Someone needs a little drink.
Since this morning was a complete wash, I'm just going to start with this afternoon's schedule.
Lonnie, you're at 1:00.
Marin, Theresa, and Sara are at 2:30.
Hey, what are you girls doing, anyway? Oh, you're just gonna have to wait and see.
Dick the magician, 3:45.
And Celia - she's agreed to serve as my lovely assistant.
Uh, he means "magic facilitator.
" No, I mean "assistant.
" I told you, I prefer "magic facilitator".
- It's just a title.
- Then change it! Just be there on time.
And that goes for everyone.
If you're late, you're cut from the program.
Jerome, another sip of that beer, and you're not playing the piano! Promise? There really is a Nebraska.
Who knew? About two million Nebraskans.
I just can't get over how open it is out here.
And how green! I thought you'd like this route to Alaska.
And cows! There really are cows! - Just walking around.
- I know.
Only 1,200 miles from New York.
It feels light-years away, huh? Yeah, it does.
So, tell me, do these Nebraskans have restaurants? - I'm famished.
- Yep.
I know a spot 30 minutes outside Omaha.
Well, you, my darling, are a man with a plan.
A sexy man with a plan.
You're back! Rehearsals just ended.
Don't worry.
I'll cover the desk.
I just need a second.
Well, uh, maybe this'll give you some energy.
A giant candy bar? It's from a chocolatier in Anchorage.
It's awesome, right? I thought it was awesome.
And it won't go bad like the flowers.
Well, I mean, if you don't eat it, after a while, it might get all chalky and white and gross.
Why are you doing this? Because I was looking for something as sweet as you.
Patrick, please.
I mean, even this huge candy bar is made of only semi-sweet chocolate.
You are 100%, full-throttle sweet.
I need you to back off.
Annie, give me a chance.
I'm sorry.
I know it's been awkward between us because of everything we've been through, but you're just making it worse.
Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.
Hello, Annie.
- Patrick.
- Ivan.
It's time for dinner.
Ivan, not now! - Oh, yes.
You're coming with me.
- Ivan! And then there was light! And then there wasn't.
I think I have more in the basement.
I didn't know you had a basement.
I'm a man of mystery.
Be right back.
Hello! Hi, honey.
Just wondering if you got anything big, fat, and juicy in the mail.
If you are talking about my wonderfully, deliciously juicy, big check, then, yes.
Thank you, Jane.
I could not have finished the book without you.
I'll be accepting thank-you gifts when I get to Elmo.
Which is? Oh, who knows? We're about to make a right at Wyoming.
I hope you and Jack are celebrating today.
Oh, yeah.
We're at his house right now, changing light bulbs.
Geez.
Pace yourself, honey.
The night is young.
Did you show Jack the check? Of course.
Why wouldn't I? Money's this weird thing between couples.
You got to be careful.
Why do you think I'm traveling cross-country in a motor home instead of flying first-class? Well, apparently everyone thinks that men are threatened by money.
Well, it's tricky.
I may earn more than Sam, but I want him to feel like he's in charge.
And, surprisingly, I like that he's in charge.
Jack: Crap! - Honey, what was that? - I have no idea.
Let me call you back.
- A pipe burst.
- Oh, no.
This house is just one thing after the other.
Maybe you should sell it.
You want me to sell my house? Well, you don't live here anymore.
Yeah, I know.
And things keep going wrong.
It's become like this big, 2-bedroom, Yeah, that's true.
It's just you know, not that I'm against it, I just never thought of it before.
So, what do you think now that you're thinking about it? I guess, you know, it makes sense.
Well, maybe you could find out how much it's worth, and then you could decide later.
Yeah.
That's not a bad idea.
Who knows? Maybe the new indoor swimming pool might just add value! Go ahead, dive in! I am.
I'm diving, I'm eating.
Isn't this place amazing? I never knew there were so many ways to stuff a potato.
That's Potatoville for you.
You name it, they'll stuff it.
I'm going potato chow mein next.
You? - Oh, I'm not sure I'll be having a second.
- What? You can go up as many times as you want.
They will never kick you out.
Right.
The beauty of all-you-can-eat.
But I'm good, thanks.
Oh, wow, that's fully loaded, all right.
This place is really hard to beat, isn't it? Plus, I have coupons.
$3 off.
A whole book of 'em.
- Lucky us.
- Yeah.
I have mapped out our entire trip based on Potatoville placement.
If things go as planned, we will save $86 on the course of this trip.
And have eaten 30 potatoes.
Here's hoping.
Hi.
Hi.
I got you skim milk.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, can you pick up Matty from soccer later? Sure.
I should be wrapping up my research at Dr.
Harbeck's at 4:00.
Okay, great.
I should be back here by 7:00.
Try not to be late.
I'm supposed to be at Marin's by 7:30.
I can't believe the show is tomorrow and we haven't finished our costumes.
I can't wait to see your big act.
- Okay, see you later.
- Wait! Aren't you forgetting something? I've got my lunch and I meant a kiss goodbye.
Oh, right.
See ya.
See ya.
Sexier.
Sexier.
Then we go up.
Come down here.
Sexier.
Move.
Sexier.
"Sexier".
Got it.
Okay, so, um uh, left, right, then hip Annie, put the pen down.
But how will I know what to do? Just follow me.
Wait.
Wait.
What are you doing? I push, you pull,I pull, you push.
I'm the man.
I'm supposed to lead.
I- I'm trying! It's just I went to an all-girls catholic school, and I was always the man in all the dances.
And the musicals! And the American revolution reenactments.
You should have seen my Benjamin Franklin.
Well, let it go.
Dance requires each of us to play very specific roles.
Let me be your Benjamin Franklin.
- Okay.
- See? - See? - Okay.
Down.
Hey, what's going on? Harbor master forget to zip his fly again? I wish.
Are you okay? I just can't believe Annie's really going for a guy like Ivan.
I mean, the way he bosses her around everywhere.
"You're coming with me.
" Why would Annie like someone like that? Well, sometimes it's nice to give up control and let yourself be led a little.
He's definitely in the lead, all right.
Bull's-eye! And we're back! Up next, Elmo's one and only relationship coach - you know who - right after this message.
And don't forget to check out Elmo's first annual talent show this Saturday night.
Singing, dancing, acting dancing.
You know, Patrick, Annie might just need a little time and space.
Yeah, that's what she said.
And the old old Patrick would give her that time and space.
Well, okay, then.
Yeah, but I'm not the old old Patrick! I'm the new old Patrick.
And the new old Patrick - he's got a plan to get her back.
Really? What are you gonna do? I'm taking control I'll alpha-male with Ivan - which entails - Oh, no.
I can't divulge details.
Let's just say, uh, the sky's the limit.
- Uh, Patrick - And you're on the air! Hey, Elmo.
My friend Patrick and I were just talking power dynamics.
From the earliest age, we grow up with them - parent/child, teacher/student - but as we get older, relationships become more complicated, less easily defined.
We would like to imagine equality - amongst friends, with spouses.
But are we just fooling ourselves? You tell me, Elmo.
In the dance of life, is it possible to have two equal partners, or does someone always have to take the lead? Okay.
Okay.
Okay! I've seen enough What's the verdict? This house has good bones.
Once you fix the plumbing and you do some cosmetic surgery, this could be a huge seller.
Hey, that's great.
What would that entail, exactly? Well, the whole place needs a good steam clean and a fresh coat of paint.
And you need some new fixtures because fluorescents scream "psych ward.
" And the front needs a facelift - new paint and landscaping.
It's all about curb appeal.
We don't have curbs in Elmo.
Doesn't matter.
Curb appeal, curb appeal, curb appeal - that's six words you should never forget.
We'll keep that in mind.
Well, I got to run.
Buzz is waiting to rehearse with me.
He needs the practice more than I do, trust me.
Let me know when you're ready to sell.
Okeydokey.
So, what do you think? Uh, well it's a lot to take on.
My plate's so full with work and teaching at the university.
Maybe we could do the whole "selling the house thing" in the spring.
Sara: It's mind-blowing.
Cytoplasmic patterns can vary quite distinctly from one disease to the next.
And yet, they're similar enough to make for a difficult diagnosis.
Which is where we come in.
Well, you, but, thanks.
Oh, Sara, I - I read an interesting case file last night in the New England Journal of Medicine.
I'd love for you to take a look.
Great.
Then come get it.
Come on, Sara.
You know you want it.
Sara? Do you want it? I cannot believe we have 24 hours to get these costumes made and on us.
- Now, is this the fabric we're using for the bodice? - Yeah.
Oh, that's a little more revealing an I thought.
Oh, I knew Uncle Ned was up to no good earlier.
I hope he is enjoying his little walk with Jack, 'cause come tomorrow, he is going to be singing a much calmer and higher tune.
I'm taking him to the vet before the show.
Oh, hello? What's with the absent fire staring? Uh, sorry.
I was just, uh, just thinking about this weird daydream I had today about Dr.
Harbeck.
Weird how? Weird as in, he took off all his clothes like a Chippendales dancer.
Oh, really? Paging Dr.
Harbeck.
Someone's got a fever! Is that a microscope in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? It's not funny, you guys.
No, it definitely is.
- Totally funny.
- I'm serious.
I feel guilty.
Why? Because you think Dr.
Harbeck's hot? No, because I'm fantasizing about him and not about Eric.
So what? Well, don't you think that's weird? No! It's perfectly normal.
It's just an innocent little fantasy.
- Unless you're thinking about acting on it.
- Yeah.
No! I love Eric.
He's great around the house.
He's great with Matty.
He was great in bed from what I remember.
Oh, so, uh, you have de-sexualized him.
The next time your mind wanders into Chippendale terrain, just consciously put Eric there.
That might be hard to do.
It's hard to imagine Eric stuffing singles in his collar.
Hey, Ben.
How 'bout a beer? What about me? What about you? You won the girlfriend lottery.
You're not gonna use part of your jackpot to buy your buddy a beer? That's not how it works, Jerome.
Oh, what's the matter? Marin hasn't dished out your allowance yet? He's just busting your chops.
Well, keep busting.
I'm happy for Marin.
She worked hard for what she got.
So, you're trying to tell us that you don't care one little bit that your girlfriend is making more money than you are? Nope.
Doesn't matter who makes more money as long as everybody's happy.
- Says the man who buys his wife a jeep to get out of the doghouse.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, you are in a delicate situation here, Jack.
You see, a relationship is about power.
Yeah, yeah, women have their say, but the man has to have control.
Look, I'm in control.
Which is why Marin's got you selling your house.
I'm not selling my house.
Never planned to.
That's not the word on the street.
Look, I had some problems with my place, but it's my place, and that's not gonna change.
Marin suggested I sell it, and instead of getting into an argument, I let her get a professional opinion.
- "Let her.
" - Yeah.
And then she saw what a pain it was to sell it, and she backed off.
It's called subtlety.
All right, Ben, let me get the next round.
On me, not Marin.
All right, who wants to play some pool? Told you I could work one out of him.
Toll road should be coming up soon.
You don't have any change, do you? Looks like I'm a quarter short.
Sam! What is all this doing in my purse? Well, you didn't eat very much before, so I figured, you know, in case you got hungry if I get hungry, we can just stop somewhere else.
Sure, but not for 200 miles.
That's where I have my next coupon.
See, if you look at my map I get the whole thrifty thing, but, honey, we can afford to not use coupons once in a while.
If dinner costs an extra $3, so be it.
That's silly.
Why would we spend an extra $3 if we don't have to? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe if someone's not in the mood for their 24th potato! You know, they also have soup at Potatoville.
The point is, together we earn a decent amount, so we don't need to count every single penny all the time.
We can afford to splurge a few dollars here and there.
But there's no reason to.
As my dad always used to say: "Good 'cents' should always prevail.
" And that's c- e-n-t-s.
Oh, come on, Sam.
Lighten up, live a little.
Buy yourself a steak! Go over the speed limit.
Turn on the air-conditioning.
That would be like throwing money out the window.
Yes, but it won't kill you.
It can be freeing! See? We're fine! It's not the end of the world! Oh, you are not seriously going out there to get that.
You better believe I am! Hey, what's going on? Fixing the pipes and the floor.
Should be a couple days, a week, tops.
I didn't hire anyone to fix the pipes.
A, uh, a Marin Frist did.
Okay.
Don't you worry - we'll get this all fixed up for you, Mr.
Frist.
Sam, come on, it's only a dollar, just leave it, ya? You don't have to be such a Go ahead, say it.
The type of person who is tight with their wad.
And you don't have to be such a spender.
Look, don't make me feel bad for stopping to pick up a dollar.
It's who I am.
Well, who you are can change a little because I make a pretty sizable living.
We just don't need to scrounge.
This isn't about how much money each of us make.
Found it.
Make sure the sun's high enough! O- okay, Annie.
A little higher.
Annie, I need you outside immediately! I- I'm busy right now.
No, no, no, this is serious.
It's I really don't have time for this.
- The show is just a few ho- - well? - "I 'heart' Assie"? - What? Oh, no! No, Buzz made a mistake! He flipped the N's! Patrick, even if this were right, it isn't going to get us back together.
Yeah, but it's supposed to say "Annie".
I love you, Annie! You can't see it now! Here, listen Lunch is just about ready.
Okay.
Here it is, nice and spicy just the way you like it.
Sara? You're ready? Sure.
This is what I was afraid of.
This is exactly what I was afraid of.
The money thing rearing its ugly head, and now we have to live the rest of our lives in uncomfortable silence.
What do you want me to say? Look, I completely respect and love you, but I'm scared that if you know how much I have in the bank, you won't feel I like a man, or you'll think I don't think you're a man, which isn't the case at all.
It's just I make more than you.
There, I said it, and we both know it's the elephant in the room, but there's just not room for you, me, and this elephant in the RV - even though you did rent a sizable RV.
Jane, I have a lot in the bank, too.
Of course, honey, I'm sure you do, but perhaps your version of "a lot" is a bit different from mine.
You'd be surprised.
Go ahead.
Write down your number.
Sam, this is silly.
We don't have to do this.
I have enough money.
Let's just leave it at that.
And I have enough, too.
Now write.
See what I mean? Go ahead.
Take a look.
Pardon me for asking, but How did you do this? You're a spender, I'm a saver.
I'm just in awe.
Jane, I'm not thrifty because I need to be.
I'm thrifty because I want to be.
It's a philosophy.
See this place? For 12 years, I've wanted to live there with you.
You didn't know me 12 years ago.
I could dream, couldn't I? And thanks to my thrifty ways, I can afford to buy that place.
My man with a plan.
Hey, I didn't think you were coming! What were you thinking? What do you mean? I thought we were on the same page about Ned's neutering.
I'm talking about my house.
You paid for a plumber and a handyman? You said you didn't have time to work on it, so I hired some guys to do it for you.
I was just trying to help.
I don't need your help.
You can keep your money and your plumbers.
Need to fix my house - I can fix it myself.
You don't have to fix Uncle Ned, either.
He's right.
Come on, let's go.
Energy! Fantastic.
Absolutely.
I- I thought he was real.
M- Mai, do you have everything you need? I'm trying not to strain my voice.
Okay.
Uh, Annie? I'm sorry about before, but the letter "N" can be a little tricky when you're skywriting.
It's okay.
I'm sure nobody saw it.
Hey, Assie! Can we get some more water back here? Theresa: Annie, have you seen Marin? No! But I'm sure she'll get here.
It'll all be okay.
Wow! Somebody's had an attitude adjustment.
Well, before, I was driving myself crazy with all the details, but I've realized, you don't always have to be in charge.
Does a certain hockey player who lives in my house have anything to do with this? I - I just feel really safe with him - the way he takes control.
It's nice to let go for a change.
Good for you.
If you see Marin, tell her we're waiting for her.
Right.
For the last time, I am not wearing that! For the last time, this elevates it from a kids' act to adult entertainment! Yeah, the kind people would watch on cable at 2:00 A.
M.
! I'm sure whatever you choose will be beautiful - Put it on.
Please.
- I'm not wearing it.
- No.
It's ridiculous.
- Just do it.
* You don't have to worry * * 'cause, baby, there ain't no mountain high enough * * ain't no valley low enough * * ain't no river wide enough * * to keep me from getting to you, babe * * remember the day I set you free * * I told you you could always count on me, girl * Guys, I'm sorry I'm late.
Everything okay? Well, it was until I realized that I was completely wrong about Jack! What about? Well, he advised me to keep my money to myself.
His words.
- Ouch.
- Oh, yeah.
And then he grabbed Uncle Ned and stormed out of the vet's.
So I don't know where he is or even if he's coming to the show tonight.
You guys will work it out.
Yeah, I hope.
I had no idea money was such a big deal with Jack.
It's about more than money! It's about balls.
His and the puppy's.
When you stepped in and fixed everything, you became the man of the house.
She's right.
You took the power.
Now he's just trying to get it back by keeping his house.
And Uncle Ned's nads.
He doesn't need to keep the house to be "the man".
Well, maybe we're all wrong about this, and Jack is keeping his place because he's got concerns about us.
I doubt that.
He's your boyfriend but he's also a guy, and guys need their space.
Think about it - you live and work in your house.
Maybe Jack needs a place of his own nearby, you know, a cave to retreat to.
Five-minute warning.
Abracadabra.
Abracadabra! And voilà! And now for my final trick.
I will boldly escape from these torturous cuffs, padlocked behind my back by none other than my lovely assistant.
- "Magic facilitator.
" - Key! Say it! Just give me the key! How 'bout a hand for my beautiful magic facilitator, Ms.
Celia Bachelor.
* No * * no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no * * The French are glad to die for love * * they delight in fighting duels * * but we prefer the men who live * * and give expensive jewels * * a kiss on the hand may be quite continental * * but diamonds are a girl's best friend * * a kiss may be grand, * * but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat * * or help you at the automat.
Men grow cold as girls grow old * * and we all lose our charms in the end * * but square-cut or pear-shaped these rocks don't lose their shape.
* * Diamonds are a girl's best friend * * Diamonds, diamonds * * we don't mean rhinestones * * diamonds are a girl's best friend * I just want to thank you all for coming and, uh - - Patrick, what are you doing? - I just uh, hello out there.
I'm sorry for the, uh, surprise appearance.
I - I know I'm not part of the program, because I was out of town for the auditions.
But I do have an act, though, so, uh here goes.
Oh, no, Annie, stay.
You're part of the act.
"Lost & found" by Patrick O'Bachelorton.
It was over a year ago I met a girl who put my head into a swirl.
I knew right then it was love at first sight, and then grew that love into something bright.
Lucky for me, she loved me back right up through my lightning attack.
But memories lost left me a blank slate, and she could no longer participate.
And now I'm back, and I wake up needing her each day, wanting her to remember and love me the same way.
Annie will you marry me again? Marry me? No.
Annie.
Patrick did - did you really mean what the poem said? Do you really love me in all those ways? Of course.
Then you want me to be happy, right? Yeah, Annie.
That's all I want.
Then leave me alone.
If you really love me, please, leave me alone.
You were incredible.
I couldn't I couldn't take my eyes off you.
You were amazingly hot.
- So were you.
- Really? Marry me.
Yes.
- Hey, that was great, coach.
- Thank you.
Listen, uh, I want to apologize.
I overreacted at the vet.
Well, I shouldn't have called the plumber.
It wasn't my place.
No, you were just trying to help.
Why didn't you just tell me you didn't want to sell the house? I mean, if you're worried about us - Marin, I love living with you.
Well, I love living with you.
But that doesn't mean that someday we won't love living with each other.
Well, that's not something I'm planning for.
I didn't want to sell the house because it's a part of me.
I got a lot of memories attached to it.
I don't know, I guess there's a part of me that wants a room of your own.
Yeah.
You're, uh, you're very sparkly.
Marin: We are the daughters of the feminist movement, taught from an early age that nothing can stop us, that we can rise as high and achieve as much as any man.
And in some ways that's true.
We have taken great strides, stepping over traditional gender roles, and going after - and getting - exactly what we want.
But part of being powerful is knowing when to take the backseat You're ready? One second.
And look at life from another perspective.
Imagine how many condiments I can fit in this bad boy.
Because the thing is, in a relationship, there is no C.
E.
O.
It's a delicate dance, a push and pull, a back and forth, an up and down.
but we endure because at the end of the day, we don't want to go it alone.
and when we find someone - a partner - we compromise, loving everything we can and putting blinders onto everything else.
Because love isn't perfect, but it's the really great and perfect love that keeps us evolving, happy.
And in the end, isn't that what life's all about?
Uncle Ned! You came home! I just want to go back to the way we were.
I don't think I can go back.
I want you to leave my fiancée alone.
She's not your fiancée anymore.
Hey, Jack, Jack! Look what the dog did.
Oh, just shoes.
"Just shoes"? It's the new zen me.
I don't get attached to material possessions.
Oh, so now you want make-up sex? Whoa, there, buddy.
We've got to get him fixed.
Yeah, yeah, I know, but you're gonna wince every time I say it.
I can't help it.
I'm a guy.
Oh, he'll be fine.
These, I'm not so sure about.
But again, who cares? Not me.
Want to know why? You're zen? Zen and feeling flush.
I just received a check for the final delivery of my book.
Which means I can buy two new pairs of shoes I won't get attached to.
Heck, make it 20.
And 40 new flannel shirts for you! Thanks, but, uh, no guy needs that much flannel.
Okay, then, how about sweaters? Jackets? Mukluks for every day of the week? You name it, it's yours.
Wow! This is more than I made all year.
I ought to get into the relationship-book game.
It sure pays better than the wild-game game.
Congratulations, stud.
I guess that makes three studs in our house.
Though, Uncle Ned not for long.
You're cutting me off.
Yeah, unless you pay your tab.
Well, I thought we had an understanding.
You're not allowed to cut me off until I'm too drunk to notice.
Jerome, I need you.
Oh, if I had a nickel for every time a lady's said that to me.
You'd have a whole five cents.
Could you please open the post office for me? Sorry, it's closed, due to the fact that the postmaster is really enjoying his beer.
Oh, come on.
I just got paid for my book, and I want to send the check off to my bank.
Must be a big chunk of change if you're in such a hurry.
How much is it for? That is private information.
More than a hundred bucks? Of course it's more than a hundred.
She wrote a book, not a fortune cookie.
So, what - A grand? Oh, can't be more than a grand.
I mean, let's face it, she's no Robert Ludlum.
For your information, it is a lot more than a grand.
More than 10 grands? It is none of your business.
Damn.
She's loaded.
How does Jack feel about your big windfall? Oh, he was happy for me.
Oh, you don't say.
'Cause most guys aren't too keen on the idea of a woman making more than they do.
Oh, in 1950, maybe.
Yeah, Jerome.
Get with the times.
I mean, Dick wouldn't mind if I made more than him.
Would you? Of course not.
Though that would never happen since I am your superior.
Well, that's just a title.
And a pay grade.
And I have three more slashes here, so well, I own the Elmo Inn.
That's a whole other source of income your slashes have nothing to do with.
I, of course, would love to have a sugar lady.
Then I wouldn't have to worry about how I'm gonna pay my tab.
No, then I wouldn't have to worry about how you're gonna pay your tab.
Point is, if Marin would like to pay my bill, she'd be more than welcome.
Oh, Marin declines, but thank you for the offer.
Am I mistaken, or did all of you sign up for the talent show? - Yeah.
- Yeah! That's right.
A talent show that's happening in two days! Official rehearsals started an hour ago, and no one showed up! Am I the only person who cares about putting on a professional production? Listen, red, there's no need to get so worked up.
It's just a little show.
L- little show? Little show? Chief Celia, there are no little shows, only little performers with little talent and little chance of getting their sound cues right! Someone needs a little drink.
Since this morning was a complete wash, I'm just going to start with this afternoon's schedule.
Lonnie, you're at 1:00.
Marin, Theresa, and Sara are at 2:30.
Hey, what are you girls doing, anyway? Oh, you're just gonna have to wait and see.
Dick the magician, 3:45.
And Celia - she's agreed to serve as my lovely assistant.
Uh, he means "magic facilitator.
" No, I mean "assistant.
" I told you, I prefer "magic facilitator".
- It's just a title.
- Then change it! Just be there on time.
And that goes for everyone.
If you're late, you're cut from the program.
Jerome, another sip of that beer, and you're not playing the piano! Promise? There really is a Nebraska.
Who knew? About two million Nebraskans.
I just can't get over how open it is out here.
And how green! I thought you'd like this route to Alaska.
And cows! There really are cows! - Just walking around.
- I know.
Only 1,200 miles from New York.
It feels light-years away, huh? Yeah, it does.
So, tell me, do these Nebraskans have restaurants? - I'm famished.
- Yep.
I know a spot 30 minutes outside Omaha.
Well, you, my darling, are a man with a plan.
A sexy man with a plan.
You're back! Rehearsals just ended.
Don't worry.
I'll cover the desk.
I just need a second.
Well, uh, maybe this'll give you some energy.
A giant candy bar? It's from a chocolatier in Anchorage.
It's awesome, right? I thought it was awesome.
And it won't go bad like the flowers.
Well, I mean, if you don't eat it, after a while, it might get all chalky and white and gross.
Why are you doing this? Because I was looking for something as sweet as you.
Patrick, please.
I mean, even this huge candy bar is made of only semi-sweet chocolate.
You are 100%, full-throttle sweet.
I need you to back off.
Annie, give me a chance.
I'm sorry.
I know it's been awkward between us because of everything we've been through, but you're just making it worse.
Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.
Hello, Annie.
- Patrick.
- Ivan.
It's time for dinner.
Ivan, not now! - Oh, yes.
You're coming with me.
- Ivan! And then there was light! And then there wasn't.
I think I have more in the basement.
I didn't know you had a basement.
I'm a man of mystery.
Be right back.
Hello! Hi, honey.
Just wondering if you got anything big, fat, and juicy in the mail.
If you are talking about my wonderfully, deliciously juicy, big check, then, yes.
Thank you, Jane.
I could not have finished the book without you.
I'll be accepting thank-you gifts when I get to Elmo.
Which is? Oh, who knows? We're about to make a right at Wyoming.
I hope you and Jack are celebrating today.
Oh, yeah.
We're at his house right now, changing light bulbs.
Geez.
Pace yourself, honey.
The night is young.
Did you show Jack the check? Of course.
Why wouldn't I? Money's this weird thing between couples.
You got to be careful.
Why do you think I'm traveling cross-country in a motor home instead of flying first-class? Well, apparently everyone thinks that men are threatened by money.
Well, it's tricky.
I may earn more than Sam, but I want him to feel like he's in charge.
And, surprisingly, I like that he's in charge.
Jack: Crap! - Honey, what was that? - I have no idea.
Let me call you back.
- A pipe burst.
- Oh, no.
This house is just one thing after the other.
Maybe you should sell it.
You want me to sell my house? Well, you don't live here anymore.
Yeah, I know.
And things keep going wrong.
It's become like this big, 2-bedroom, Yeah, that's true.
It's just you know, not that I'm against it, I just never thought of it before.
So, what do you think now that you're thinking about it? I guess, you know, it makes sense.
Well, maybe you could find out how much it's worth, and then you could decide later.
Yeah.
That's not a bad idea.
Who knows? Maybe the new indoor swimming pool might just add value! Go ahead, dive in! I am.
I'm diving, I'm eating.
Isn't this place amazing? I never knew there were so many ways to stuff a potato.
That's Potatoville for you.
You name it, they'll stuff it.
I'm going potato chow mein next.
You? - Oh, I'm not sure I'll be having a second.
- What? You can go up as many times as you want.
They will never kick you out.
Right.
The beauty of all-you-can-eat.
But I'm good, thanks.
Oh, wow, that's fully loaded, all right.
This place is really hard to beat, isn't it? Plus, I have coupons.
$3 off.
A whole book of 'em.
- Lucky us.
- Yeah.
I have mapped out our entire trip based on Potatoville placement.
If things go as planned, we will save $86 on the course of this trip.
And have eaten 30 potatoes.
Here's hoping.
Hi.
Hi.
I got you skim milk.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, can you pick up Matty from soccer later? Sure.
I should be wrapping up my research at Dr.
Harbeck's at 4:00.
Okay, great.
I should be back here by 7:00.
Try not to be late.
I'm supposed to be at Marin's by 7:30.
I can't believe the show is tomorrow and we haven't finished our costumes.
I can't wait to see your big act.
- Okay, see you later.
- Wait! Aren't you forgetting something? I've got my lunch and I meant a kiss goodbye.
Oh, right.
See ya.
See ya.
Sexier.
Sexier.
Then we go up.
Come down here.
Sexier.
Move.
Sexier.
"Sexier".
Got it.
Okay, so, um uh, left, right, then hip Annie, put the pen down.
But how will I know what to do? Just follow me.
Wait.
Wait.
What are you doing? I push, you pull,I pull, you push.
I'm the man.
I'm supposed to lead.
I- I'm trying! It's just I went to an all-girls catholic school, and I was always the man in all the dances.
And the musicals! And the American revolution reenactments.
You should have seen my Benjamin Franklin.
Well, let it go.
Dance requires each of us to play very specific roles.
Let me be your Benjamin Franklin.
- Okay.
- See? - See? - Okay.
Down.
Hey, what's going on? Harbor master forget to zip his fly again? I wish.
Are you okay? I just can't believe Annie's really going for a guy like Ivan.
I mean, the way he bosses her around everywhere.
"You're coming with me.
" Why would Annie like someone like that? Well, sometimes it's nice to give up control and let yourself be led a little.
He's definitely in the lead, all right.
Bull's-eye! And we're back! Up next, Elmo's one and only relationship coach - you know who - right after this message.
And don't forget to check out Elmo's first annual talent show this Saturday night.
Singing, dancing, acting dancing.
You know, Patrick, Annie might just need a little time and space.
Yeah, that's what she said.
And the old old Patrick would give her that time and space.
Well, okay, then.
Yeah, but I'm not the old old Patrick! I'm the new old Patrick.
And the new old Patrick - he's got a plan to get her back.
Really? What are you gonna do? I'm taking control I'll alpha-male with Ivan - which entails - Oh, no.
I can't divulge details.
Let's just say, uh, the sky's the limit.
- Uh, Patrick - And you're on the air! Hey, Elmo.
My friend Patrick and I were just talking power dynamics.
From the earliest age, we grow up with them - parent/child, teacher/student - but as we get older, relationships become more complicated, less easily defined.
We would like to imagine equality - amongst friends, with spouses.
But are we just fooling ourselves? You tell me, Elmo.
In the dance of life, is it possible to have two equal partners, or does someone always have to take the lead? Okay.
Okay.
Okay! I've seen enough What's the verdict? This house has good bones.
Once you fix the plumbing and you do some cosmetic surgery, this could be a huge seller.
Hey, that's great.
What would that entail, exactly? Well, the whole place needs a good steam clean and a fresh coat of paint.
And you need some new fixtures because fluorescents scream "psych ward.
" And the front needs a facelift - new paint and landscaping.
It's all about curb appeal.
We don't have curbs in Elmo.
Doesn't matter.
Curb appeal, curb appeal, curb appeal - that's six words you should never forget.
We'll keep that in mind.
Well, I got to run.
Buzz is waiting to rehearse with me.
He needs the practice more than I do, trust me.
Let me know when you're ready to sell.
Okeydokey.
So, what do you think? Uh, well it's a lot to take on.
My plate's so full with work and teaching at the university.
Maybe we could do the whole "selling the house thing" in the spring.
Sara: It's mind-blowing.
Cytoplasmic patterns can vary quite distinctly from one disease to the next.
And yet, they're similar enough to make for a difficult diagnosis.
Which is where we come in.
Well, you, but, thanks.
Oh, Sara, I - I read an interesting case file last night in the New England Journal of Medicine.
I'd love for you to take a look.
Great.
Then come get it.
Come on, Sara.
You know you want it.
Sara? Do you want it? I cannot believe we have 24 hours to get these costumes made and on us.
- Now, is this the fabric we're using for the bodice? - Yeah.
Oh, that's a little more revealing an I thought.
Oh, I knew Uncle Ned was up to no good earlier.
I hope he is enjoying his little walk with Jack, 'cause come tomorrow, he is going to be singing a much calmer and higher tune.
I'm taking him to the vet before the show.
Oh, hello? What's with the absent fire staring? Uh, sorry.
I was just, uh, just thinking about this weird daydream I had today about Dr.
Harbeck.
Weird how? Weird as in, he took off all his clothes like a Chippendales dancer.
Oh, really? Paging Dr.
Harbeck.
Someone's got a fever! Is that a microscope in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? It's not funny, you guys.
No, it definitely is.
- Totally funny.
- I'm serious.
I feel guilty.
Why? Because you think Dr.
Harbeck's hot? No, because I'm fantasizing about him and not about Eric.
So what? Well, don't you think that's weird? No! It's perfectly normal.
It's just an innocent little fantasy.
- Unless you're thinking about acting on it.
- Yeah.
No! I love Eric.
He's great around the house.
He's great with Matty.
He was great in bed from what I remember.
Oh, so, uh, you have de-sexualized him.
The next time your mind wanders into Chippendale terrain, just consciously put Eric there.
That might be hard to do.
It's hard to imagine Eric stuffing singles in his collar.
Hey, Ben.
How 'bout a beer? What about me? What about you? You won the girlfriend lottery.
You're not gonna use part of your jackpot to buy your buddy a beer? That's not how it works, Jerome.
Oh, what's the matter? Marin hasn't dished out your allowance yet? He's just busting your chops.
Well, keep busting.
I'm happy for Marin.
She worked hard for what she got.
So, you're trying to tell us that you don't care one little bit that your girlfriend is making more money than you are? Nope.
Doesn't matter who makes more money as long as everybody's happy.
- Says the man who buys his wife a jeep to get out of the doghouse.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, you are in a delicate situation here, Jack.
You see, a relationship is about power.
Yeah, yeah, women have their say, but the man has to have control.
Look, I'm in control.
Which is why Marin's got you selling your house.
I'm not selling my house.
Never planned to.
That's not the word on the street.
Look, I had some problems with my place, but it's my place, and that's not gonna change.
Marin suggested I sell it, and instead of getting into an argument, I let her get a professional opinion.
- "Let her.
" - Yeah.
And then she saw what a pain it was to sell it, and she backed off.
It's called subtlety.
All right, Ben, let me get the next round.
On me, not Marin.
All right, who wants to play some pool? Told you I could work one out of him.
Toll road should be coming up soon.
You don't have any change, do you? Looks like I'm a quarter short.
Sam! What is all this doing in my purse? Well, you didn't eat very much before, so I figured, you know, in case you got hungry if I get hungry, we can just stop somewhere else.
Sure, but not for 200 miles.
That's where I have my next coupon.
See, if you look at my map I get the whole thrifty thing, but, honey, we can afford to not use coupons once in a while.
If dinner costs an extra $3, so be it.
That's silly.
Why would we spend an extra $3 if we don't have to? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe if someone's not in the mood for their 24th potato! You know, they also have soup at Potatoville.
The point is, together we earn a decent amount, so we don't need to count every single penny all the time.
We can afford to splurge a few dollars here and there.
But there's no reason to.
As my dad always used to say: "Good 'cents' should always prevail.
" And that's c- e-n-t-s.
Oh, come on, Sam.
Lighten up, live a little.
Buy yourself a steak! Go over the speed limit.
Turn on the air-conditioning.
That would be like throwing money out the window.
Yes, but it won't kill you.
It can be freeing! See? We're fine! It's not the end of the world! Oh, you are not seriously going out there to get that.
You better believe I am! Hey, what's going on? Fixing the pipes and the floor.
Should be a couple days, a week, tops.
I didn't hire anyone to fix the pipes.
A, uh, a Marin Frist did.
Okay.
Don't you worry - we'll get this all fixed up for you, Mr.
Frist.
Sam, come on, it's only a dollar, just leave it, ya? You don't have to be such a Go ahead, say it.
The type of person who is tight with their wad.
And you don't have to be such a spender.
Look, don't make me feel bad for stopping to pick up a dollar.
It's who I am.
Well, who you are can change a little because I make a pretty sizable living.
We just don't need to scrounge.
This isn't about how much money each of us make.
Found it.
Make sure the sun's high enough! O- okay, Annie.
A little higher.
Annie, I need you outside immediately! I- I'm busy right now.
No, no, no, this is serious.
It's I really don't have time for this.
- The show is just a few ho- - well? - "I 'heart' Assie"? - What? Oh, no! No, Buzz made a mistake! He flipped the N's! Patrick, even if this were right, it isn't going to get us back together.
Yeah, but it's supposed to say "Annie".
I love you, Annie! You can't see it now! Here, listen Lunch is just about ready.
Okay.
Here it is, nice and spicy just the way you like it.
Sara? You're ready? Sure.
This is what I was afraid of.
This is exactly what I was afraid of.
The money thing rearing its ugly head, and now we have to live the rest of our lives in uncomfortable silence.
What do you want me to say? Look, I completely respect and love you, but I'm scared that if you know how much I have in the bank, you won't feel I like a man, or you'll think I don't think you're a man, which isn't the case at all.
It's just I make more than you.
There, I said it, and we both know it's the elephant in the room, but there's just not room for you, me, and this elephant in the RV - even though you did rent a sizable RV.
Jane, I have a lot in the bank, too.
Of course, honey, I'm sure you do, but perhaps your version of "a lot" is a bit different from mine.
You'd be surprised.
Go ahead.
Write down your number.
Sam, this is silly.
We don't have to do this.
I have enough money.
Let's just leave it at that.
And I have enough, too.
Now write.
See what I mean? Go ahead.
Take a look.
Pardon me for asking, but How did you do this? You're a spender, I'm a saver.
I'm just in awe.
Jane, I'm not thrifty because I need to be.
I'm thrifty because I want to be.
It's a philosophy.
See this place? For 12 years, I've wanted to live there with you.
You didn't know me 12 years ago.
I could dream, couldn't I? And thanks to my thrifty ways, I can afford to buy that place.
My man with a plan.
Hey, I didn't think you were coming! What were you thinking? What do you mean? I thought we were on the same page about Ned's neutering.
I'm talking about my house.
You paid for a plumber and a handyman? You said you didn't have time to work on it, so I hired some guys to do it for you.
I was just trying to help.
I don't need your help.
You can keep your money and your plumbers.
Need to fix my house - I can fix it myself.
You don't have to fix Uncle Ned, either.
He's right.
Come on, let's go.
Energy! Fantastic.
Absolutely.
I- I thought he was real.
M- Mai, do you have everything you need? I'm trying not to strain my voice.
Okay.
Uh, Annie? I'm sorry about before, but the letter "N" can be a little tricky when you're skywriting.
It's okay.
I'm sure nobody saw it.
Hey, Assie! Can we get some more water back here? Theresa: Annie, have you seen Marin? No! But I'm sure she'll get here.
It'll all be okay.
Wow! Somebody's had an attitude adjustment.
Well, before, I was driving myself crazy with all the details, but I've realized, you don't always have to be in charge.
Does a certain hockey player who lives in my house have anything to do with this? I - I just feel really safe with him - the way he takes control.
It's nice to let go for a change.
Good for you.
If you see Marin, tell her we're waiting for her.
Right.
For the last time, I am not wearing that! For the last time, this elevates it from a kids' act to adult entertainment! Yeah, the kind people would watch on cable at 2:00 A.
M.
! I'm sure whatever you choose will be beautiful - Put it on.
Please.
- I'm not wearing it.
- No.
It's ridiculous.
- Just do it.
* You don't have to worry * * 'cause, baby, there ain't no mountain high enough * * ain't no valley low enough * * ain't no river wide enough * * to keep me from getting to you, babe * * remember the day I set you free * * I told you you could always count on me, girl * Guys, I'm sorry I'm late.
Everything okay? Well, it was until I realized that I was completely wrong about Jack! What about? Well, he advised me to keep my money to myself.
His words.
- Ouch.
- Oh, yeah.
And then he grabbed Uncle Ned and stormed out of the vet's.
So I don't know where he is or even if he's coming to the show tonight.
You guys will work it out.
Yeah, I hope.
I had no idea money was such a big deal with Jack.
It's about more than money! It's about balls.
His and the puppy's.
When you stepped in and fixed everything, you became the man of the house.
She's right.
You took the power.
Now he's just trying to get it back by keeping his house.
And Uncle Ned's nads.
He doesn't need to keep the house to be "the man".
Well, maybe we're all wrong about this, and Jack is keeping his place because he's got concerns about us.
I doubt that.
He's your boyfriend but he's also a guy, and guys need their space.
Think about it - you live and work in your house.
Maybe Jack needs a place of his own nearby, you know, a cave to retreat to.
Five-minute warning.
Abracadabra.
Abracadabra! And voilà! And now for my final trick.
I will boldly escape from these torturous cuffs, padlocked behind my back by none other than my lovely assistant.
- "Magic facilitator.
" - Key! Say it! Just give me the key! How 'bout a hand for my beautiful magic facilitator, Ms.
Celia Bachelor.
* No * * no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no * * The French are glad to die for love * * they delight in fighting duels * * but we prefer the men who live * * and give expensive jewels * * a kiss on the hand may be quite continental * * but diamonds are a girl's best friend * * a kiss may be grand, * * but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat * * or help you at the automat.
Men grow cold as girls grow old * * and we all lose our charms in the end * * but square-cut or pear-shaped these rocks don't lose their shape.
* * Diamonds are a girl's best friend * * Diamonds, diamonds * * we don't mean rhinestones * * diamonds are a girl's best friend * I just want to thank you all for coming and, uh - - Patrick, what are you doing? - I just uh, hello out there.
I'm sorry for the, uh, surprise appearance.
I - I know I'm not part of the program, because I was out of town for the auditions.
But I do have an act, though, so, uh here goes.
Oh, no, Annie, stay.
You're part of the act.
"Lost & found" by Patrick O'Bachelorton.
It was over a year ago I met a girl who put my head into a swirl.
I knew right then it was love at first sight, and then grew that love into something bright.
Lucky for me, she loved me back right up through my lightning attack.
But memories lost left me a blank slate, and she could no longer participate.
And now I'm back, and I wake up needing her each day, wanting her to remember and love me the same way.
Annie will you marry me again? Marry me? No.
Annie.
Patrick did - did you really mean what the poem said? Do you really love me in all those ways? Of course.
Then you want me to be happy, right? Yeah, Annie.
That's all I want.
Then leave me alone.
If you really love me, please, leave me alone.
You were incredible.
I couldn't I couldn't take my eyes off you.
You were amazingly hot.
- So were you.
- Really? Marry me.
Yes.
- Hey, that was great, coach.
- Thank you.
Listen, uh, I want to apologize.
I overreacted at the vet.
Well, I shouldn't have called the plumber.
It wasn't my place.
No, you were just trying to help.
Why didn't you just tell me you didn't want to sell the house? I mean, if you're worried about us - Marin, I love living with you.
Well, I love living with you.
But that doesn't mean that someday we won't love living with each other.
Well, that's not something I'm planning for.
I didn't want to sell the house because it's a part of me.
I got a lot of memories attached to it.
I don't know, I guess there's a part of me that wants a room of your own.
Yeah.
You're, uh, you're very sparkly.
Marin: We are the daughters of the feminist movement, taught from an early age that nothing can stop us, that we can rise as high and achieve as much as any man.
And in some ways that's true.
We have taken great strides, stepping over traditional gender roles, and going after - and getting - exactly what we want.
But part of being powerful is knowing when to take the backseat You're ready? One second.
And look at life from another perspective.
Imagine how many condiments I can fit in this bad boy.
Because the thing is, in a relationship, there is no C.
E.
O.
It's a delicate dance, a push and pull, a back and forth, an up and down.
but we endure because at the end of the day, we don't want to go it alone.
and when we find someone - a partner - we compromise, loving everything we can and putting blinders onto everything else.
Because love isn't perfect, but it's the really great and perfect love that keeps us evolving, happy.
And in the end, isn't that what life's all about?