NewsRadio (1995) s02e19 Episode Script
Presence
The photocopier should be repaired some time this afternoon.
Apparently, somebody tried to photocopy a mirror.
That was me, Dave, and it was actually reflective sunglasses.
I was trying to prove a theory involving the fifth dimension.
Well, Agent Scully, you nearly shorted out the entire building.
And, uh, somebody's been going through the recycling bin.
Me.
I'm trying to find that winning can for that contest.
That contest ended during the Super Bowl.
The super what? Does anybody else have anything? Quite frankly, I'm still very upset about you and Lisa's breakup.
Well, Matthew, this is hardly the forum to discuss our relationship.
Oh, really, David? Then what is the right forum? Penthouse forum.
Shut up, Joe.
DAVE: Yeah.
Seriously, are you guys thinking about maybe getting back together? Matthew.
Delivery for Dave Nelson from Mr.
James.
Oh, right here.
Why'd you order a new mixing board? I didn't.
Did Mr.
James mention this to anyone else, or has Colonel Kurtz gone up river again? The A.
M.
Radio convention's in town.
Oh, the poker game! The A.
M.
Poker game.
Poker game.
Ew.
Lord, help us all.
Well, what-- what poker game? Every year at the convention, Jimmy and all the other rich station owners play poker for parts of each others' stations.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Oh, yo.
WNYX.
Oh, hey, Mr.
James, how you doing? Yeah, sir, we just got it.
Uh, yes, sir, you are the original seven-card stud, sir.
Ask him how he's doing.
You lost what? Oh, what did he-- what did he lose? Uhyeah, yeah.
They just took it, sir.
Okay, I'll tell them.
Guys, he's going to win it back in the next hand.
Well, what are we supposed to do until then, go without coffee and snacks like wild animals in some sort of police state? Yeah! Joseph, what's this doing on my desk? Joe? Uh, sorry, man.
I couldn't figure out anyplace else to put it.
Well, I've got a lot of work to do today, so if you could move-- Joe.
At least give me a hand with this thing.
Whoa! Aah! Stay still, now.
Don't you spray me with that, Joseph.
All right.
Okay, okay, spray me.
[.]
Oh, baby.
Hey, did you win the coffee machine back yet, sir? How you doing, Dave? Did you win the coffee machine back yet, sir? What happened, Jimmy? Yeah, what happened? Did you win the coffee machine back yet, sir? I'm so sorry, Cathy.
I was so sure he was bluffing.
I matched him raise for raise.
I was so sure, so sure he was bluffing.
Let me guess, he wasn't bluffing.
No, he was.
He still had a better hand than mine, though.
Any coffee? Anyway, I'm going right back to the game, bet as much as I can, try to get everything back.
How much have you lost? Let's just say I'm way behind on this one.
Thank you, sweetheart.
What the hell is that? That's Matthew's herbal tea.
It's a natural diuretic.
I wanted coffee.
Well, there isn't any.
Look, Jimmy, if you need some good luck, then let me help you out.
What, monkey paw? Cathy, that's bad hoodoo.
It's a rabbit's foot.
Ooh, that's good hoodoo.
My good luck rubber band.
You wear it around your left ankle, you touch it with your right hand seven times.
Okay, thanks.
James, cards are not a game of luck.
They're a game of strategies, statistics, probability, and money management.
Lucky tic-tacs.
Keep them in your right pocket.
When you need good luck, you move them to the left pocket, rub them five times.
Five times.
Good luck pencil.
Before you meet anyone new, you touch it to your forehead 12 times.
Beth, are these good luck charms, or just some bizarre obsessive-compulsive disorder? Beth? What? Sorry, I was counting my eyebrows.
Anybody else have any good luck charms I can borrow? Oh, this is my lucky haircut.
Thank you, Matthew.
Can't have it, but you could rub it.
I'm not going to rub it, Matthew.
Okay, Mr.
James, here's my good luck ring.
Oh, what can I do with that? You wear it around your middle finger.
You turn it a quarter of a turn counterclockwise every 15 minutes.
All right.
What if I forget to turn it? My mother dies.
Beth, I'm under enough pressure as it is.
Why don't you just keep it, okay? [RING DROPS.]
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
For the last time, I did not tell Bill anything about our former sex life.
All right.
Then why on two separate occasions has he made veiled references to me having some sort of sexual dysfunction? You don't have a sexual dysfunction.
I know, so why did you tell him I did? I didn't tell him because you don't.
Is this just another of your fibs? Listen, I promise you.
I did not tell-- Oh.
What? You know, remember that one time when you had that little problem? Oh, yeah, but wait a minute.
That was just because when we were doing it you called me Stewart.
I did not say, "Stewart.
" I said "Stalwart.
" Which in and of itself would be weird enough.
Dave, you are so totally and completely-- Paranoid.
See? But then again, you do lie a lot.
May God take pity on both of you.
Look-- Look-- But for right now, someone should talk to Mr.
James because he seems upset.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll take care of it.
BOTH: I'll take care of it.
Oh, my God.
I did say, "Stalwart.
" Oh, well, thank you.
You know, you're quite a noble lover yourself.
Mr.
James, are you all right? It's even worse than I told you guys.
What'd you lose, a million? Two million? If anyone can afford it, you can.
Am I right? Pass the salt, please.
No, I lost something even more valuable.
Three million? Salt, please.
Four Million? Salt.
Not the antenna, sir.
Pleas tell me you didn't-- No.
Bill.
What? Bill.
Right here.
I don't think you're understanding me.
I lost Bill.
I bet him in a poker game, and I lost him to station WTSB in Atlanta.
You lost Bill in a poker game? I'm afraid I did.
What else could've possibly been in the pot? DBX console.
[GASPS.]
Let me get this straight.
You bet me against a DBX console? A DBX console! This is outrageous! A DBX console is worth $2 million.
Really? Mm.
Sir, regardless of the value of the console, you cannot bet another human being in a poker game.
You certainly cannot! I'm afraid in this case I can.
Check your contract.
Wait a minute.
You carry your contract around? At a time like this, it doesn't seem quite so crazy, does it? Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1.
"Contract transferable to third party "in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy, and/or Act of God.
" It doesn't say anything-- Read your Act of God clause.
End of the page.
"Jimmy James will hereafter "and for the purposes of this contract only be referred to as God.
" Sir, can I see you in my office? Yeah.
Lisa, I can handle this.
Right.
Mr.
James.
Now, betting a mixing board is one thing, but betting a human being is just wrong.
We come from two different worlds, Lisa.
You need a whole other roadmap to get around in mine.
And what the hell am I doing sitting here? I got to go win him back.
Absolutely not.
No.
She's right.
I'll go.
You'll go? Yeah, yeah.
I walked away with more than a few pots in college.
What's the biggest pot you ever won? Let's just say it was tidy sum.
Come on, come on.
How much? $20 in nickels That's a quarter keg in college terms.
Dave, can you tell me the odds of getting five of a kind in the same suit? Well, that would be Wow! Is it right? I have no idea.
There's also the issue of the poker face.
You've got to be pretty cool under pressure in there.
Oh, that's right, that's right.
Poker face.
Uh, Lisa how are you and Dave doing now? Very well.
Thank you for asking.
Dave, is that so? Yes.
No contest.
Lisa's a much better liar.
You don't know the half-- Hey, hey! Beth, is there any coffee? Bill, I think you're overreacting.
No, I'm not.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Then why haven't you ever left before? Here.
This stapler is yours.
I stole it two years ago and scratched your name off it.
I apologize.
Bill, you're not really leaving, are you? Yes, I am.
And while I'm settling things up, Beth, I've always meant to tell you that in a simpler world I think I could've loved you.
But ours is not a simple world.
Also, I stole this hole-punch from you last year.
Here you go.
I know I ask you this every day, but this time I mean it.
Have you gone completely insane? I'm just doing a little unloading.
It's good for the soul.
Matthew! Over here.
What's-- What is it, Bill? I know I've played my share of mean tricks on you over the years That's not true.
It is.
It is.
I'm sure you can remember something I've done that's hurt you in the past.
Well, the time you told the whole office I had lice, that wasn't very nice.
I was only trying to toughen you up for that cruel world out there, where a person like you is easy prey for those of us who are stronger and smarter.
Thanks.
Feel free to go through my desk later and see if any of that crap is yours.
I've been ripping you off for years.
Oh, Matthew.
Yeah, yeah? Bill, that's sweet.
Thank you.
Hey, you.
Yeah, you.
I know you probably think I've never even noticed your existence, but in all actuality, your braying laugh and noxious cologne have annoyed me since the day you first set foot in this office.
I don't work here.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
Okay, so you know the opponents Check.
You know the odds Check.
And you know the stakes.
Check.
Now, how do you play poker? Well, come on, how hard can it be? I'm a very quick study.
All right, the game of poker is played with a set of 52 cards.
Which is called "a deck.
" Which is called "a deck.
" Because Because I have no idea why.
Me neither.
Do you know why-- Guys, you have exactly nine minutes to teach me everything I need to know about poker.
Okay, okay, okay.
The ancient art of poker, or poquere, dates back to the medieval days when mighty druids roamed the earth.
Sir, I suggest we jump ahead a few centuries.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea.
In the future, poker-- or "space poker" as perhaps it will be called-- Maybe not quite that far, sir.
Okay.
You know, I'm a little rattled.
Is there any coffee? No.
Would you please tell me the rules? All right.
The hands in poker are as follows, in ascending order-- high card, pair, two pair, three of a kind, straight, flush, full house-- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Flush beats a straight? Yes.
Oh.
Full house, four of a kind-- Suits matter? No.
We usually dress pretty casual.
I think she means hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades.
"Always after me lucky charms.
" Sorry.
Whoa.
All right.
You'll be dealt five cards face down.
Hey.
Check these out.
Okay, I will be dealt five cards, face down.
Check them out.
They're marked.
Say, are you serious? If they're marked, they're pretty damn good.
Let me see.
Okay, all right, what card am I holding up right now? Five of hearts.
Hello.
Well, now we know why Roy Orbison was such a good poker player.
Joe, how do these things work? I painted the numbers on the back of them using invisible dye.
Cool.
What kind of dye is it? Just some low-level radioactive solution.
It gives cancer to rats.
You're not a rat, right? I was always intimidated by your talent.
Your bizarre behavior often frightened me.
You, I've already dealt with.
I get the feeling you never really liked me.
You still owe me Oh, and, uh These are yours.
Bill! Bill! We'll learn the rest in the cab.
Let's go.
Sure you don't want to just cheat? Absolutely.
All right, well, here.
Take this.
This is my good-luck charm.
That's Boba Fett.
Intergalactic bounty hunter featured in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.
Yeah.
How do you know that? Just one of the many fascinating tidbits you pick up when you date Dave.
Hey, Joe.
What up? What's up, man? Check these out.
Whoa.
Uh-huh-huh.
Whoa-ho-ho.
Oh, man.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing? Hey, Jimmy! Hey, everybody, how you doing? I want you to meet a couple friends of mine.
This is Dave and Lisa.
This is Frank.
He's very rich.
Bob.
He's rich also.
Charlie owns half of Rhode Island, and Stan the man owns the other half.
I'm as rich as a chocolate éclair.
You know what, gentlemen, I'm going to have to play by proxy tonight.
I hope that's okay with everybody.
Hey, lose anyway you like.
Good, good.
Lisa? All right, gentlemen, shall we begin? Straight poker.
Nothing wild.
Hey, Boba Fett.
What the hell's that? The intergalactic bounty hunter who attracted Hans solo to the cloud city of Ta-dah! Fancy free hotel room.
Beth, won't we be in a little bit of trouble when Dave sees you've charged this hotel room to the station? Catherine, we are on a mission.
If winning back Bill McNeal is not official business, I don't know what is.
Oh.
Nice work.
Thank you.
And where in the world did you find a camera small enough to fit inside the Boba Fett doll? I made it.
Where'd you get the parts, Joey? I made them.
Now, if Lisa would just move the Boba-cam a little to the left.
there we go.
Gentlemen, I have you now.
Can you see any cards or what? All right.
She's dealing the cards.
I see their cards-- hang on.
Free hotel room! Free hotel room! First time in a hotel, huh, Beth? Whoo-whoo! Here we go, here we go! I see the cards.
Lisa just dealt the guy next to her two pairs, aces and 6s.
Now, how exactly do we use this information to our advantage? I'll see you and I'll raise the WNYX news van I won from Jimmy last year.
Hello, room service.
Oh, what a lovely evening.
[CLATTERING.]
Whoops.
Sorry! First day on the job.
Anyway, just wanted to confirm an order.
Uh, someone had the, uh Let me get this straight.
Someone ordered two pears The King Crab platter and the Jack Cheese casserole.
This woman is not from room service.
She's a friend of mine trying to cheat, and thank you, Beth, for telling everyone my hand.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Nice try, Lucy, but I think Ricky's waiting for you down at the Tropicana.
Thank you.
David Mirsky, accounts receivable.
David I always liked the way you dress.
I stole these pencils from you back in 1988.
Carol Yanow, promotions.
Carol I found you incredibly attractive but everyone said you were crazy.
I believe these pliers are yours.
Bonnie Taylor, promotions.
For years, I thought your name was Lonnie.
Now I know it's Bonnie.
Here's your thesaurus.
[WOMEN LAUGHING.]
Ladies, can you keep it down, please? DAVE: Sorry.
Sorry.
I mean, she calls me paranoid, but I still say a lie is a lie.
The only reason she lied to you is because she didn't want you to get upset.
All women have their secrets.
You've just got to get comfortable with that.
Take me, for instance.
I had a threesome with a congressman and his wife.
Now, that's my little secret.
Which one? See? There you go again.
David, you've got to learn to stop asking so many questions.
I mean, I know it's not Barney Frank.
What are you watching now, Joe? Hogan's Heroes.
Got a TV tuner hooked up to this thing too.
Ha-ha.
Klink.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, come on in! Did someone call for a massage? Oh, yes.
Over here, baby.
Lou, Ralph.
This way.
Over there, baby.
Right there.
Your bet.
What's in the pot? Ahem.
Two mixing boards, three photocopiers, a news van with a satellite uplink, Bill McNeal, and a 50-watt tower.
[WHISPERS SOFTLY.]
A coffee maker? Oh, yeah.
Coffee maker.
Well, there's not much left to bet, is there? No, there isn't.
Okay.
I bet WNYX's news director.
Uh, look, would you excuse us for just a minute? Lisa, come here.
Dave.
Just because we split up, that does not give you the right to banish me with Bill.
Dave, I am playing poker.
Don't blow it for me.
Are you bluffing? I'm not telling you anything.
Yeah, well, that's nothing new.
Just tell me.
Are you bluffing? Just tell me.
All right, all right, but when I tell you, don't react at all.
I won't.
Okay.
I have four jacks.
Fine.
Fine.
I'm out.
You take it.
Yes.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Four of a kind? Yes.
Maybe.
Maybe! Maybe.
It's none of your business.
Uh, nice playing with you.
[NERVOUS LAUGH.]
Ahem.
So, uh I guess, uh, Boba Fett was lucky after all, huh? Ah.
Luck had nothing to do with it.
[SCREAMS.]
So Four jacks, huh? Four jacks.
Wow.
Really.
Mm-hmm.
Four jacks Did you really have four jacks? Oh, come on.
Come on, I really need to know.
I knew it.
Just tell me.
Dave.
What? If you really can't trust me, the cards are right there.
A pair of sixes! You bet me on a pair of sixes? [MUMBLES.]
You just had to look, didn't you? Oh, come on.
Sixes! I mean, sixes.
Look, if you're not busy, maybe you and me could do something.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
That would be great.
That would be great.
Good.
I'll just have to call in your credit card for pre-approval before we get started, okay? You know, um, it suddenly, occurs to me that there are a number of things I really have to get to, but thank you, and good night.
Good night, pumpkin.
Thanks again, Lisa.
I knew you'd win me back.
Never had a moment's doubt.
Still, it wasn't until I thought I was leaving this place that I realized how much I'd miss it.
Great.
See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.
Apparently, somebody tried to photocopy a mirror.
That was me, Dave, and it was actually reflective sunglasses.
I was trying to prove a theory involving the fifth dimension.
Well, Agent Scully, you nearly shorted out the entire building.
And, uh, somebody's been going through the recycling bin.
Me.
I'm trying to find that winning can for that contest.
That contest ended during the Super Bowl.
The super what? Does anybody else have anything? Quite frankly, I'm still very upset about you and Lisa's breakup.
Well, Matthew, this is hardly the forum to discuss our relationship.
Oh, really, David? Then what is the right forum? Penthouse forum.
Shut up, Joe.
DAVE: Yeah.
Seriously, are you guys thinking about maybe getting back together? Matthew.
Delivery for Dave Nelson from Mr.
James.
Oh, right here.
Why'd you order a new mixing board? I didn't.
Did Mr.
James mention this to anyone else, or has Colonel Kurtz gone up river again? The A.
M.
Radio convention's in town.
Oh, the poker game! The A.
M.
Poker game.
Poker game.
Ew.
Lord, help us all.
Well, what-- what poker game? Every year at the convention, Jimmy and all the other rich station owners play poker for parts of each others' stations.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Oh, yo.
WNYX.
Oh, hey, Mr.
James, how you doing? Yeah, sir, we just got it.
Uh, yes, sir, you are the original seven-card stud, sir.
Ask him how he's doing.
You lost what? Oh, what did he-- what did he lose? Uhyeah, yeah.
They just took it, sir.
Okay, I'll tell them.
Guys, he's going to win it back in the next hand.
Well, what are we supposed to do until then, go without coffee and snacks like wild animals in some sort of police state? Yeah! Joseph, what's this doing on my desk? Joe? Uh, sorry, man.
I couldn't figure out anyplace else to put it.
Well, I've got a lot of work to do today, so if you could move-- Joe.
At least give me a hand with this thing.
Whoa! Aah! Stay still, now.
Don't you spray me with that, Joseph.
All right.
Okay, okay, spray me.
[.]
Oh, baby.
Hey, did you win the coffee machine back yet, sir? How you doing, Dave? Did you win the coffee machine back yet, sir? What happened, Jimmy? Yeah, what happened? Did you win the coffee machine back yet, sir? I'm so sorry, Cathy.
I was so sure he was bluffing.
I matched him raise for raise.
I was so sure, so sure he was bluffing.
Let me guess, he wasn't bluffing.
No, he was.
He still had a better hand than mine, though.
Any coffee? Anyway, I'm going right back to the game, bet as much as I can, try to get everything back.
How much have you lost? Let's just say I'm way behind on this one.
Thank you, sweetheart.
What the hell is that? That's Matthew's herbal tea.
It's a natural diuretic.
I wanted coffee.
Well, there isn't any.
Look, Jimmy, if you need some good luck, then let me help you out.
What, monkey paw? Cathy, that's bad hoodoo.
It's a rabbit's foot.
Ooh, that's good hoodoo.
My good luck rubber band.
You wear it around your left ankle, you touch it with your right hand seven times.
Okay, thanks.
James, cards are not a game of luck.
They're a game of strategies, statistics, probability, and money management.
Lucky tic-tacs.
Keep them in your right pocket.
When you need good luck, you move them to the left pocket, rub them five times.
Five times.
Good luck pencil.
Before you meet anyone new, you touch it to your forehead 12 times.
Beth, are these good luck charms, or just some bizarre obsessive-compulsive disorder? Beth? What? Sorry, I was counting my eyebrows.
Anybody else have any good luck charms I can borrow? Oh, this is my lucky haircut.
Thank you, Matthew.
Can't have it, but you could rub it.
I'm not going to rub it, Matthew.
Okay, Mr.
James, here's my good luck ring.
Oh, what can I do with that? You wear it around your middle finger.
You turn it a quarter of a turn counterclockwise every 15 minutes.
All right.
What if I forget to turn it? My mother dies.
Beth, I'm under enough pressure as it is.
Why don't you just keep it, okay? [RING DROPS.]
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
For the last time, I did not tell Bill anything about our former sex life.
All right.
Then why on two separate occasions has he made veiled references to me having some sort of sexual dysfunction? You don't have a sexual dysfunction.
I know, so why did you tell him I did? I didn't tell him because you don't.
Is this just another of your fibs? Listen, I promise you.
I did not tell-- Oh.
What? You know, remember that one time when you had that little problem? Oh, yeah, but wait a minute.
That was just because when we were doing it you called me Stewart.
I did not say, "Stewart.
" I said "Stalwart.
" Which in and of itself would be weird enough.
Dave, you are so totally and completely-- Paranoid.
See? But then again, you do lie a lot.
May God take pity on both of you.
Look-- Look-- But for right now, someone should talk to Mr.
James because he seems upset.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll take care of it.
BOTH: I'll take care of it.
Oh, my God.
I did say, "Stalwart.
" Oh, well, thank you.
You know, you're quite a noble lover yourself.
Mr.
James, are you all right? It's even worse than I told you guys.
What'd you lose, a million? Two million? If anyone can afford it, you can.
Am I right? Pass the salt, please.
No, I lost something even more valuable.
Three million? Salt, please.
Four Million? Salt.
Not the antenna, sir.
Pleas tell me you didn't-- No.
Bill.
What? Bill.
Right here.
I don't think you're understanding me.
I lost Bill.
I bet him in a poker game, and I lost him to station WTSB in Atlanta.
You lost Bill in a poker game? I'm afraid I did.
What else could've possibly been in the pot? DBX console.
[GASPS.]
Let me get this straight.
You bet me against a DBX console? A DBX console! This is outrageous! A DBX console is worth $2 million.
Really? Mm.
Sir, regardless of the value of the console, you cannot bet another human being in a poker game.
You certainly cannot! I'm afraid in this case I can.
Check your contract.
Wait a minute.
You carry your contract around? At a time like this, it doesn't seem quite so crazy, does it? Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1.
"Contract transferable to third party "in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy, and/or Act of God.
" It doesn't say anything-- Read your Act of God clause.
End of the page.
"Jimmy James will hereafter "and for the purposes of this contract only be referred to as God.
" Sir, can I see you in my office? Yeah.
Lisa, I can handle this.
Right.
Mr.
James.
Now, betting a mixing board is one thing, but betting a human being is just wrong.
We come from two different worlds, Lisa.
You need a whole other roadmap to get around in mine.
And what the hell am I doing sitting here? I got to go win him back.
Absolutely not.
No.
She's right.
I'll go.
You'll go? Yeah, yeah.
I walked away with more than a few pots in college.
What's the biggest pot you ever won? Let's just say it was tidy sum.
Come on, come on.
How much? $20 in nickels That's a quarter keg in college terms.
Dave, can you tell me the odds of getting five of a kind in the same suit? Well, that would be Wow! Is it right? I have no idea.
There's also the issue of the poker face.
You've got to be pretty cool under pressure in there.
Oh, that's right, that's right.
Poker face.
Uh, Lisa how are you and Dave doing now? Very well.
Thank you for asking.
Dave, is that so? Yes.
No contest.
Lisa's a much better liar.
You don't know the half-- Hey, hey! Beth, is there any coffee? Bill, I think you're overreacting.
No, I'm not.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Then why haven't you ever left before? Here.
This stapler is yours.
I stole it two years ago and scratched your name off it.
I apologize.
Bill, you're not really leaving, are you? Yes, I am.
And while I'm settling things up, Beth, I've always meant to tell you that in a simpler world I think I could've loved you.
But ours is not a simple world.
Also, I stole this hole-punch from you last year.
Here you go.
I know I ask you this every day, but this time I mean it.
Have you gone completely insane? I'm just doing a little unloading.
It's good for the soul.
Matthew! Over here.
What's-- What is it, Bill? I know I've played my share of mean tricks on you over the years That's not true.
It is.
It is.
I'm sure you can remember something I've done that's hurt you in the past.
Well, the time you told the whole office I had lice, that wasn't very nice.
I was only trying to toughen you up for that cruel world out there, where a person like you is easy prey for those of us who are stronger and smarter.
Thanks.
Feel free to go through my desk later and see if any of that crap is yours.
I've been ripping you off for years.
Oh, Matthew.
Yeah, yeah? Bill, that's sweet.
Thank you.
Hey, you.
Yeah, you.
I know you probably think I've never even noticed your existence, but in all actuality, your braying laugh and noxious cologne have annoyed me since the day you first set foot in this office.
I don't work here.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
Okay, so you know the opponents Check.
You know the odds Check.
And you know the stakes.
Check.
Now, how do you play poker? Well, come on, how hard can it be? I'm a very quick study.
All right, the game of poker is played with a set of 52 cards.
Which is called "a deck.
" Which is called "a deck.
" Because Because I have no idea why.
Me neither.
Do you know why-- Guys, you have exactly nine minutes to teach me everything I need to know about poker.
Okay, okay, okay.
The ancient art of poker, or poquere, dates back to the medieval days when mighty druids roamed the earth.
Sir, I suggest we jump ahead a few centuries.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea.
In the future, poker-- or "space poker" as perhaps it will be called-- Maybe not quite that far, sir.
Okay.
You know, I'm a little rattled.
Is there any coffee? No.
Would you please tell me the rules? All right.
The hands in poker are as follows, in ascending order-- high card, pair, two pair, three of a kind, straight, flush, full house-- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Flush beats a straight? Yes.
Oh.
Full house, four of a kind-- Suits matter? No.
We usually dress pretty casual.
I think she means hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades.
"Always after me lucky charms.
" Sorry.
Whoa.
All right.
You'll be dealt five cards face down.
Hey.
Check these out.
Okay, I will be dealt five cards, face down.
Check them out.
They're marked.
Say, are you serious? If they're marked, they're pretty damn good.
Let me see.
Okay, all right, what card am I holding up right now? Five of hearts.
Hello.
Well, now we know why Roy Orbison was such a good poker player.
Joe, how do these things work? I painted the numbers on the back of them using invisible dye.
Cool.
What kind of dye is it? Just some low-level radioactive solution.
It gives cancer to rats.
You're not a rat, right? I was always intimidated by your talent.
Your bizarre behavior often frightened me.
You, I've already dealt with.
I get the feeling you never really liked me.
You still owe me Oh, and, uh These are yours.
Bill! Bill! We'll learn the rest in the cab.
Let's go.
Sure you don't want to just cheat? Absolutely.
All right, well, here.
Take this.
This is my good-luck charm.
That's Boba Fett.
Intergalactic bounty hunter featured in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.
Yeah.
How do you know that? Just one of the many fascinating tidbits you pick up when you date Dave.
Hey, Joe.
What up? What's up, man? Check these out.
Whoa.
Uh-huh-huh.
Whoa-ho-ho.
Oh, man.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing? Hey, Jimmy! Hey, everybody, how you doing? I want you to meet a couple friends of mine.
This is Dave and Lisa.
This is Frank.
He's very rich.
Bob.
He's rich also.
Charlie owns half of Rhode Island, and Stan the man owns the other half.
I'm as rich as a chocolate éclair.
You know what, gentlemen, I'm going to have to play by proxy tonight.
I hope that's okay with everybody.
Hey, lose anyway you like.
Good, good.
Lisa? All right, gentlemen, shall we begin? Straight poker.
Nothing wild.
Hey, Boba Fett.
What the hell's that? The intergalactic bounty hunter who attracted Hans solo to the cloud city of Ta-dah! Fancy free hotel room.
Beth, won't we be in a little bit of trouble when Dave sees you've charged this hotel room to the station? Catherine, we are on a mission.
If winning back Bill McNeal is not official business, I don't know what is.
Oh.
Nice work.
Thank you.
And where in the world did you find a camera small enough to fit inside the Boba Fett doll? I made it.
Where'd you get the parts, Joey? I made them.
Now, if Lisa would just move the Boba-cam a little to the left.
there we go.
Gentlemen, I have you now.
Can you see any cards or what? All right.
She's dealing the cards.
I see their cards-- hang on.
Free hotel room! Free hotel room! First time in a hotel, huh, Beth? Whoo-whoo! Here we go, here we go! I see the cards.
Lisa just dealt the guy next to her two pairs, aces and 6s.
Now, how exactly do we use this information to our advantage? I'll see you and I'll raise the WNYX news van I won from Jimmy last year.
Hello, room service.
Oh, what a lovely evening.
[CLATTERING.]
Whoops.
Sorry! First day on the job.
Anyway, just wanted to confirm an order.
Uh, someone had the, uh Let me get this straight.
Someone ordered two pears The King Crab platter and the Jack Cheese casserole.
This woman is not from room service.
She's a friend of mine trying to cheat, and thank you, Beth, for telling everyone my hand.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Nice try, Lucy, but I think Ricky's waiting for you down at the Tropicana.
Thank you.
David Mirsky, accounts receivable.
David I always liked the way you dress.
I stole these pencils from you back in 1988.
Carol Yanow, promotions.
Carol I found you incredibly attractive but everyone said you were crazy.
I believe these pliers are yours.
Bonnie Taylor, promotions.
For years, I thought your name was Lonnie.
Now I know it's Bonnie.
Here's your thesaurus.
[WOMEN LAUGHING.]
Ladies, can you keep it down, please? DAVE: Sorry.
Sorry.
I mean, she calls me paranoid, but I still say a lie is a lie.
The only reason she lied to you is because she didn't want you to get upset.
All women have their secrets.
You've just got to get comfortable with that.
Take me, for instance.
I had a threesome with a congressman and his wife.
Now, that's my little secret.
Which one? See? There you go again.
David, you've got to learn to stop asking so many questions.
I mean, I know it's not Barney Frank.
What are you watching now, Joe? Hogan's Heroes.
Got a TV tuner hooked up to this thing too.
Ha-ha.
Klink.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, come on in! Did someone call for a massage? Oh, yes.
Over here, baby.
Lou, Ralph.
This way.
Over there, baby.
Right there.
Your bet.
What's in the pot? Ahem.
Two mixing boards, three photocopiers, a news van with a satellite uplink, Bill McNeal, and a 50-watt tower.
[WHISPERS SOFTLY.]
A coffee maker? Oh, yeah.
Coffee maker.
Well, there's not much left to bet, is there? No, there isn't.
Okay.
I bet WNYX's news director.
Uh, look, would you excuse us for just a minute? Lisa, come here.
Dave.
Just because we split up, that does not give you the right to banish me with Bill.
Dave, I am playing poker.
Don't blow it for me.
Are you bluffing? I'm not telling you anything.
Yeah, well, that's nothing new.
Just tell me.
Are you bluffing? Just tell me.
All right, all right, but when I tell you, don't react at all.
I won't.
Okay.
I have four jacks.
Fine.
Fine.
I'm out.
You take it.
Yes.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Four of a kind? Yes.
Maybe.
Maybe! Maybe.
It's none of your business.
Uh, nice playing with you.
[NERVOUS LAUGH.]
Ahem.
So, uh I guess, uh, Boba Fett was lucky after all, huh? Ah.
Luck had nothing to do with it.
[SCREAMS.]
So Four jacks, huh? Four jacks.
Wow.
Really.
Mm-hmm.
Four jacks Did you really have four jacks? Oh, come on.
Come on, I really need to know.
I knew it.
Just tell me.
Dave.
What? If you really can't trust me, the cards are right there.
A pair of sixes! You bet me on a pair of sixes? [MUMBLES.]
You just had to look, didn't you? Oh, come on.
Sixes! I mean, sixes.
Look, if you're not busy, maybe you and me could do something.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
That would be great.
That would be great.
Good.
I'll just have to call in your credit card for pre-approval before we get started, okay? You know, um, it suddenly, occurs to me that there are a number of things I really have to get to, but thank you, and good night.
Good night, pumpkin.
Thanks again, Lisa.
I knew you'd win me back.
Never had a moment's doubt.
Still, it wasn't until I thought I was leaving this place that I realized how much I'd miss it.
Great.
See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.