Raising Hope s02e19 Episode Script

Give me that thing.
You color like a mental patient.
Maw Maw.
If you continue to embarrass us, we're going to start dropping you off at the Korean church again.
She's a terrible drawer.
She made Joseph all blue.
And Mary's got furry monkey arms.
So what? Maybe she had hairy arms.
It's probably why she stayed a virgin.
Good morning.
I'd like to mention that one of my Heaven's Helpers volunteers did a wonderful job on beautifying the church's landscaping.
Here it comes.
Does this face look humble? It's all a part of the Spring into Spring campaign that I organized.
I'd like to recognize the parishioner who donated his time and talent for this project.
But he doesn't do it for the recognition.
None of my volunteers here do.
They follow the example that I set.
I don't do it for the glory.
I do it for the Lordy.
No.
It's not about me, but thank you.
So you'll be happy to know that I will run for another term as chairperson of Heaven's Helpers.
I'll formally accept my nomination next Tuesday, right after Bible hymn karaoke.
Are those pesos? Yeah.
I won a bet from a gal at work.
It's all she had.
Don't worry if Jesus turned water into wine, I'm sure he can turn pesos into dollars.
All right, Jimmy, come on.
It's time to put on your costume.
Costume for what? You'll think it's weird, but ever since we stopped getting the Sunday paper, we started making up and acting out our own funnies.
I don't really feel like doing the comics this morning.
Come on, Burt.
You know I've been waiting all week for this.
Yeah, I was waiting all week for a little acknowledgment for my church volunteer work.
I was even practicing all this.
Sarah Louise is running for reelection.
You should run against her.
Then, when you're in charge, you can make sure everybody gets the credit they deserve.
No way.
Do not cross Sarah Louise.
You remember what happened when Ernie Sawyer ran against her, and then he fell off the wagon? She made him start drinking? No, she scared the horses, and he flew off the back of the hayride.
He was drunk, though.
But they say that's what saved him.
Maybe I should run against her.
It's time someone stood up to Sarah Louise.
If you run against her, I'll be your campaign manager.
But only if you let me go negative, 'cause I just don't think we can win on your accomplishments.
You know what? I was going to start with Beetle Bailey this week, but I think you need to learn a very important lesson from some of America's favorite kids.
Just give me five minutes to rewrite this week's script.
Okay.
- Is everybody ready? - I really should be Marcie.
I'm the only one with an actual lesbian experience.
Maw Maw, I've told you before, watching Ellen isn't considered a lesbian experience, okay? Ready? Go.
Come on, Charlie Brown.
Do it.
You'd be everyone's hero.
Yeah, trust me, Charlie Brown.
You guys are right.
I think I can do it.
What's the worst thing that can happen? This is exactly what will happen if you run against Sarah Louise.
Good grief.
Well, I'd like to start the meeting, but, apparently, Carl's sister is running late to pick him up.
Poor blind fellow.
Music's all he's got.
And he's not as good as most blind musicians I've seen on TV.
My ears work, okay? As does my middle finger.
Poor thing.
He's flipping the bird to a poster of Bethlehem.
Thanks, Virginia.
She's in the crosshairs now.
All right.
Everybody saw it.
You can put it down, Carl.
Tonight's first order of business will be to formally nominate candidates for chairperson of Heaven's Helpers.
Put it down, Carl.
Do it.
Nominate me.
No.
It's a suicide mission.
Since I'm unopposed again I nominate Burt Chance.
Thank you, Carl.
Okay.
Good for you, Burt.
In two weeks, at the next meeting, both of us will make brief speeches, and all members in attendance will vote.
Sorry I'm late.
My mouthwash gave my Breathalyzer a false reading, so my car wouldn't start.
Bye, Carl.
He's good.
As some of you may have heard, Carl's sister Gwen's moving away.
Rehab.
Luckily for him, I stepped in.
Next week, Heaven's Helpers will present Carl with his very own guide animal.
Isn't that wonderful? We do, however, need someone to care for the animal until the presentation.
No.
I spend half the week vacuuming up Maw Maw's hair.
I'm not adding an animal.
I would do it myself, but since I'm sure Burt would like to prove to everyone that he can be in charge I would really love to help out here, but, uh, unfortunately, I am allergic to dogs.
Well, praise the Lord.
Carl is, too.
I hate that pig.
Me, too.
We're talking about Sarah Louise, right? 'Cause this one seems pretty nice.
I'm home! I think.
Mom, you should've been on that walk.
Hope loves having a pet.
Maw Maw put her on Mr.
Curly Tail's back, and it it looked just like a little rodeo.
I mean, you know, if cowboys in rodeos had giant old ladies behind them holding them on.
You had to be there.
Burt, this isn't going to be as easy as you think.
This thing is full of special care instructions.
Purified water? Pesticide-free fruits and vegetables? You think you're better than us, don't you? Guys.
I just heard that one of your neighbors got a pig.
And now you're not the trashiest people on the Sorry.
In just five days, they're going to present that to Carl.
We spent longer than that trying to win a "hands on a Jet Ski" contest.
And we would have won, too, if they hadn't have let that jerk with the colostomy bag enter.
Plus, it'll give me great stuff to brag about in two weeks when I make my big speech.
Burt, you know how ruthless Sarah Louise is.
And you're not the best public speaker.
I just don't want to see you get hurt.
I could I could help you with your speech if you want.
I-I learned a trick in my public speaking course.
If it's the old classic "picture everybody naked," you can forget about it.
Burt always pictures everybody naked.
We both do.
Some people have Cinemax.
We have our imagination.
Living with a pig in your house might sound crazy, but we all fell in love with Mr.
Curly Tail.
Except Mom.
Twins.
He was cold.
I was afraid he'd get the swine flu.
What? Shh.
He never saw Babe.
Two out of three, Mr.
Curly Tail.
No! Virginia.
Check this out.
Curly, newspaper.
Burt, we don't get the newspaper.
I know.
He steals it from the neighbors.
Listen, I'm going down to the grocery store.
Sabrina's going to help me with my very funny speech.
There's no Polish people in our church, right? You better be taking that pig with you.
I don't want to be alone with him.
You're not alone.
Maw Maw's right here.
Unless she's dead.
Alive.
Leave him if you want.
That stupid pig is on his own.
I'm watching this TV show where they find wedding dresses that look good on oddly-shaped women.
I think today's got conjoined twins.
That is a lucky groom.
Come on, you got to love this guy.
Today, Beth tries on gown number seven while her sister Tanya still can't find a bridesmaid's dress that doesn't make her hip look big.
You hang in there, Tanya.
Beth found her Mr.
Right.
You'll find your Mr.
Left.
Holy crap, pig.
You saved my life.
You saved my life, pig.
My God.
You're like Lassie without all the attitude.
Not even my own grandmother would wake up to save me.
I was awake.
Thought you were trying to trick me into giving up the good chair.
This couch is way more comfortable than that chair.
In conclusion, fellow parishioners, I would like to be chairperson of Heaven's Helpers so that you can get the credit that you deserve without making everything about me.
You're still kind of doing this thing with your hands.
- Still? - Burt! Burt, you were right about Mr.
Curly Tail.
He is a genius.
I was choking, and he saved my life.
I told you, he's a genius.
I decided to come and get Mr.
Curly Tail some of those organic apples you guys sell.
We stopped selling organic stuff.
See, the produce is really close to the restroom, and without pesticides, they just can't handle the air fresheners.
However, our public restrooms were voted the best-smelling in Natesville.
Fine.
Then I guess I'll go out to that hippie farm and get some real organic apples.
How'd that, uh, conjoined twin's wedding work out? Wild.
At that part in the wedding when they ask if anyone has any objections, the bride's conjoined twin admitted that she had slept with the groom.
I admit it, you were right, and I was wrong.
That really is one magnificent pig.
And you know what? I'm gonna let him sleep in the bed tonight.
Something smells good.
Maw Maw.
Please tell us you didn't butcher Mr.
Curly Tail.
Of course, I did.
And if this is going to become a regular thing, we're gonna need a bigger freezer, sharper knives, and a much better mop.
I can't eat him.
He was a friend.
Get off it.
I should've just told you it ran away, and I bought this at a store.
It worked for Jimmy's pet rabbits.
You killed Floppy and Pom-Pom? And you ate 'em.
Those rabbits were stupid and worthless.
This pig we're eating was a hero.
He saved my life, and I couldn't save his.
He was a damn good pig.
He makes a damn good chop.
Burt! Virginia, eat him or he would've died in vain.
He would've wanted it this way.
I'm sure Maw Maw made it quick and painless.
No, it was a hell of a struggle.
It isn't easy trying to cut up a pig with a pizza cutter.
God.
Okay.
That did it for me.
Who are you, and why are you always in our house? I guess we should save some for Carl so he gets something out of this.
We're gonna have to change that speech we worked on.
That's a pretty significant rewrite.
A lot of our best points were about how you kept that pig alive for five days.
Maybe you can just change it to "four days.
" Are you insane? There is no speech, there is no election.
You are going in there tomorrow saying you killed a blind man's pig.
Well, the election's not for a week.
Maybe they'll just forget.
Seriously, who are you? Burt, look, we screwed up.
Okay? Forget the election.
This is what's gonna happen: We're gonna go in there tomorrow, say what we did, and we're gonna suffer the scorn, and we're gonna do it as a family.
I mean, we got through the Easter fart.
We got through Maw Maw dry- humping the St.
Francis statue.
He was no saint.
Should've seen the way he was looking at me.
Well, if tomorrow's our judgment day, might as well enjoy now.
I'm only doing this so you'll always be a part of me, okay? God, that is delicious.
Sorry I'm late.
Where's Burt? I wish I knew.
He left before we woke up this morning.
He missed a really good breakfast.
We had ham and eggs, bacon, pigs in a blanket, and the blanket was ham.
Burt, I don't know where the heck you went this morning, but we said we were gonna do this as a family, and I expect you to be here.
Pig-ahoy.
Burt, you found another Mr.
Curly Tail? Like the Good Book probably says, "Have a little faith, then ye shall find-eth.
" There you are.
We're just about to make the presentation.
Give me that pig.
Come on, let's go.
Let's going to work.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
This is amazing.
I would've thought there's a waiting list for a service pig.
I'm sure there is.
But you can get a regular pig like that.
So you just got some random animal off a farm? Petting zoo.
For $100, the guy said I could have any animal I wanted, and I could do whatever I wanted with it.
Then he winked at me.
We are never taking Hope to that petting zoo.
Just sweet, right? Just sweet, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I'm not done.
I've also thought to provide this pouch of treats that you can use to reward your service companion as he adapts to your personal needs.
Let's put this on you.
There you go.
Thank you.
No, it's not about me, or the $47.
00 that I spent on the pouch and treats.
This is about you.
I'm smiling and pointing at you, Carl.
Okay.
It's a good thing.
What the hell, Burt? He's gonna get killed being dragged around town by an untrained pig.
Don't worry, I have a plan.
Dad did have a plan.
But like most of his plans, it was crazy.
Dad figured that we could keep Carl safe by being guide humans for the fake guide pig.
Good job, pig.
You smell that, pig? Someone must have passed by wearing cheap perfume and way too much of it.
It's lingering.
All we had to do was keep the most popular blind man in town alive long enough for Dad to win the Heaven's Helpers election.
Good job, pig.
Bless you, pig.
And once Dad was in charge, he'd be able to figure out a more permanent solution.
Good job, pig.
That was a close call, Yeah, it was.
Boy, you saved my life, pig.
It was gonna be tough, but luckily, our family is used to doing horrible jobs.
Pig! Towel! You're the one who erased the pain My life will never be the same You're the very one, the only one that I've been waiting for Pig! Bag! I want to thank you Good job, pig.
I just want to say thank you, baby For saving my life For picking me up Dusting me off Putting me all back together, together Together, together Together I can live I can live Since I found you, baby Thank you.
What's up, Natesville?! It's 58 degrees, Okay, pig, time to go.
We're running late, pig, come on.
We gotta For saving my life We played together For picking me up I can't live I can't live without you, baby For dusting me off Didn't you, didn't you, didn't you, didn't you? Thank you, baby For saving my life What are you doing, Virginia? Just getting a closer look at this pig.
Did you ever notice he has the exact same eyes as David Lee Roth? Good evening, ladies.
Am I on time for the meeting? Right on time.
Come on in.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to a very important meeting of Heaven's Helpers.
Tonight we will be choosing a chairperson to lead our group for the next two years.
Normally, the nominees would each give a short speech before the vote.
Since Burt will show you that speeches are boring and since actions speak louder than words, I want you to see with your own eyes how my work did not just give this man a pig.
It gave him his freedom.
I'm going to give you a demonstration on the amazing things that this pig is trained to do.
We are so busted.
I'm starting to think our plan to impersonate a guide pig to fool a blind man and a church congregation was slightly flawed.
Prepare to be amazed.
This is going to be like the Easter fart times 20.
This is going to be even worse than Jimmy's Christmas caroling boner.
Now, Carl, I'm going to need you to turn around.
Wait.
This could be great.
I mean, you guys aren't gonna get blamed when the pig can't do it; she is.
She's the one trying to take all the credit.
It's karma.
Yeah, like that show with the Mallrats guy you kept trying to make me like.
Now, tell the pig to get your bag.
Pig, bag.
Yes.
I don't believe it.
Lucky break.
Pig, home.
Yes, right this way.
Good.
Yes.
What the hell is going on here? I think we trained that pig.
My God.
We taught it how to be a guide pig by leading it around and showing it what to do.
And giving it pig treats as positive reinforcement.
You gave the treats to the pig? Yeah.
What'd you do with them? I gave them to the pig.
I can't believe this.
She's getting all the credit again.
And we can't even tell anybody what we did, or they'll know that we ate Mr.
Curly Tail.
Now she's definitely gonna win.
I don't know about that, 'cause I wrote Burt a pretty great speech.
It was basically the speech from Braveheart, except at the end, it was like "You can take our church bazaar, but you'll never take our rummage sale.
" But like subtle.
Burt? Burt, Burt, come on.
You gotta focus on your speech.
I don't care.
She can be in charge.
What? But then you'll never get the credit.
I don't need it.
Look what we did.
Dad realized he didn't need to be in charge to get some glory, because he didn't need glory at all.
Happiness is making other people happy.
And after that, Dad was happy to do his volunteer work around the church simply for the good feeling of knowing that he had helped make things better.
Looking good, Carl.
Thanks, Burt, 'cause you know I can't tell.
Great hearing and funny.
You're almost the total package.
Nice.