Remington Steele (1982) s02e19 Episode Script

Good work, Mr.
Steele.
These are some of the best fakes I've ever seen.
What are you talking about? Those are the real stones.
I checked them myself.
Well, you'd better find the jewels and the thief Laura, or they're going to say you stole them.
- The price as agreed? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, so- - The man's a fraud, a common thief! Looks as if you're about to go up, Mr.
Steele.
Do you have your remarks ready? Indeed, Miss Holt.
I thought I might talk about how I handled the Andreas affair.
Remember? A cuckolded husband, a mysterious woman in a wet suit, death by cattle prod.
The Andreas affair? You intend to go up there and take credit for the fact that I had to climb 15 stories up an elevator shaft to find the murder weapon while you were out dining on a yacht at a party in your honor? You wouldn't say that, Laura, if you were on board that yacht.
Some of the worst veal marsala I've ever endured.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me the greatest pleasure to introduce to you our newest American hero, Remington Steele.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much indeed.
Rather than bore you with tiring anecdotes I might field a question or two.
- Yes, madam.
- Mr.
Steele, in one of your early cases you were hired to protect the rarest gems in the world.
Yes.
You refer to the South African stones of Royal Lavulite.
Yes, stones so blue, it is said they were once pieces of the sky.
Whatever happened to that assistant of yours, the one who nearly bungled the case? Miss Bolt, was it? A Nora Bolt? I trust you encouraged her to find another line of work.
Alas, she still works for me, madam because there but for the grace of God go I.
That's it! I've heard more than enough! - You see this man, this so-called Remington Steele? - Aah! - Well, take your last look at him because he's a paper hero! The man's a fraud, a common thief a scoundrel who stepped into our lives two years ago with the sole intent of stealing the Royal Lavulite that I had been hired to protect! Cuff him! Then where is the real Remington Steele? You're looking at her.
Remington Steele was a name I invented to make the public think that they'd hired a big, strong man to handle their cases.
Take him away! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Miss Holt, Miss Holt, Miss Holt.
- A quarter for old time's sake, eh, Miss Holt, please? Hmm? Hmm? Yeah.
Miss Holt- Ah, you've decided to rejoin us, have you? - How long was I away? - Oh, about an hour.
What was so funny? You were laughing in your sleep.
I was dreaming about this case.
Don't you find it funny that I've put you in charge of protecting the very jewels that you originally came here to steal two years ago? Mm.
Positively sidesplitting.
You're sure this is gonna be sufficient? This briefcase is absolutely impregnable.
Bulletproof, flameproof, acid-proof.
The only way in is to use these two latches each of which have been set by me to a combination known only to me.
- And if something were to happen? - Oh.
Ah, yes, well- anyone attempting to open the case without the correct combination shall find himself the recipient of a particularly nasty burst of D.
C.
current- about a thousand volts, to be precise.
Charming.
I knew I could count on you, Mr.
Steele.
Trust.
It's all I've ever asked, Laura.
Well, trust and a new suit every now and again.
Then tell me.
As your precious Royal Lavulite comes back into our lives again who are you really? - Does that really matter? - It matters only that you won't tell me.
See you in the morning.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, my fabulous stones of Royal Lavulite.
Oh.
- I'd forgotten how beautiful they were.
- I haven't.
Miss Custer, is Constellation Insurance satisfied with Mr.
Steele's security arrangements for the gems? If we weren't, would we be insuring them to the tune of $3.
6 million? Oh, yes, yes.
Like pieces of the sky.
That's it.
Thank you all for coming to Santa Barbara.
Hope to see you this evening at my El Diego Hotel in Los Angeles where the stones will go on permanent display.
You take good care of them now.
Mr.
Steele, how are you going to transport the stones to Los Angeles? Mr.
Steele has the situation well in hand.
To confuse any would-be thieves, we've made reservations on every train, plane, bus and boat leaving this town in the next three hours.
Well, good luck, Mr.
Steele, Miss Holt.
So, how are we getting back to L.
A.
? Airplane? Why fly when you can drive? It's so much closer to the ground, don't you think? - Drive? - Mm.
- All the way there? - Mm-hmm.
- That's your clever plan? - Mm-hmm.
To be sitting ducks on the open road for a hundred miles? You coming? Guess I must've dozed off, huh? Mm-hmm.
It's becoming a habit.
Is that a new perfume? I thought it was you.
I think it's this.
Yeah, it's on this.
It's kind of- It's kind of nice.
It's- - sort of musky.
- Yeah.
Have those cars been behind us all the time? Not to worry.
Nice move! Lunch, Miss Holt? Oh, indeed, Mr.
Steele! I'm famished! Well, the simple plans are always the best.
If someone follows us up here we know it's a tail, in which case I've come fully prepared.
And if someone is waiting up ahead for us knowing that we're driving the Rabbit then he's gonna have an awfully long wait because after lunch, we're gonna swap cars at the car rental agency over there.
I've taken the liberty of reserving an unassuming domestic sedan in the name of Benjamin Pearson.
Uh-huh.
Voilà.
Chin-chin.
- Splendid vintage.
- Mm.
Looks as if we might have company.
Laura! - Laura! - Come on! - Lean on me, okay? - All right.
- Go on.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
- All right.
All right.
The briefcase isn't here.
It must've been thrown from the car.
Well, it wasn't out of our sight long enough for someone to run away with it.
Besides, we would've seen him.
Oh! Right as usual, Mr.
Steele.
Wonderful! Give it to me.
Oh, what's the combination? Uh- - I don't know.
- Oh, yeah.
That's okay.
All right.
Oh.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
That's what-That's- - Oh! - Just to be sure.
Just to be sure.
Okay? Sealed tight.
This must be how they found where we were: a homing device.
Oh, I'm not sure which of you is in worse shape.
I am, because I don't understand why someone would go to so much trouble to ambush us and then not take the jewels.
They obviously goofed.
They didn't mean to knock the Rabbit down the hill here.
Yeah, well, let's be on our way before they come back, eh? One thing that might come in handy.
I don't know about you, but I always find violence and destruction gives me a hunger.
Hmm.
- Nice of you to show up, Steele.
- Are you two all right? Flat tire on Highway 5.
Rolled right into a ditch.
Just the same, we have a delivery to make, eh, Mr.
Holmes? Would you give the stones to Mr.
Doke? He's Constellation's jewel appraiser and he'll authenticate the Lavulite.
It's just a formality, you understand.
I believe you'll find everything in order.
Seal intact.
Miss Custer, if you please.
Thank you.
Oh, yes.
There we are.
Yes.
- Good work, Mr.
Steele.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
These are some of the best fakes I've ever seen.
Now, please, I'd like to see the real stones.
Mr.
Steele, may I have the real stones? - Your joke has gone far enough.
- What are you talking about? Those are the real stones.
- I checked them myself.
- I've been in this business 42 years, Mr.
Steele.
I certainly know the difference between Royal Lavulite and pieces of colored glass.
- What are you trying to pull here, Steele? - What are you trying to pull? Those are the real stones.
I'll stake my reputation on it.
- They're garbage, and you're a crook.
- Let me see those stones! - Let me just see those stones! Let me see those stones! - Wait a minute! - He's lying, Laura.
- Well, there's only one sure way to get to the bottom of this.
Hmm.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I'm beginning to feel responsible for all of this.
- How's that? - Well, for hiring you.
I thought this job would be a piece of cake-you know, good fee good P.
R.
for your agency.
Well, let's just hope there's been a terrible mistake.
Oh, no mistake.
No.
- Doke is doing this intentionally.
- But why? What could he hope to gain? Archie has been with the company for 42 years.
He's as loyal as the day is long, and he's a recognized expert in gemology.
- So is Mr.
Steele.
- Oh, I know, but isn't there any way the stones could've been switched while you were in transit? - Weren't they ever out of your sight? - Never.
Those are the real stones, I promise you that.
Miss Custer? - Would you like to examine them again? - No need.
May I? Miss Holt? Mr.
Doke, it's time we proved you to be the charlatan you are.
Like I said Royal Lavulite, so blue they're like pieces of the- Well, Mr.
Steele? Laura, these are fakes.
- So, Remington, they are finally yours.
- Mm.
- And now they're yours, Jacques.
- Bien.
- The price as agreed? - Mm-hmm.
But tell me- all the time you were in America I have never known you to take so long to achieve your objective.
There was a woman, Jacques.
I was prepared to forget about the jewels if I could have had her instead.
- A man can only wait so long.
- Better the jewels.
They are always there when you want them.
The jewels, they will never break your heart.
Light? You're a long way from home, Miss Bolt.
Nora Bolt, isn't it? I've searched the world for you, Mr.
Steele: Venice, Cairo, Mozambique.
But I was always a step behind.
Some things never change, do they? Please, Mr.
Steele! Please! Your leaving forced me to evaluate my life and I realized I was ready to make emotional commitments after all.
- And have you? - Many times.
Three in the last hour, as a matter of fact.
But you're the one I need! You're the one I want! Please! Take me back, Mr.
Steele! Take me back! There, there, Miss Bolt.
Your rhinestones are getting damp.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Steele.
I don't know what came over me.
I realized I'm not worthy of a man like you.
Please.
Accept my apologies.
For old time's sake, eh, Nora? Oh, are you all right? Uh, sorry, sorry.
Daydreaming.
About Archie Doke? We know there was no time for the stones to be switched when we were ambushed so somehow, Doke did it right under our eyes.
- Then why the ambush? - Why not? If the ambush succeeds, he gets the stones there and then and if it fails, it becomes a very clever sleight of hand.
It makes us think we lost the stones there.
- Ah, but we're a step ahead of Mr.
Doke.
- 3906.
Ouch.
Mr.
Doke? Anybody home? I suppose it's too much to ask for him to have left the Lavulite lying around? Hey.
Look at this.
His son, you think? Same features.
Yes.
What say we just wait for him to come home and then wring a confession out of him? - You smell what I smell? - The odor that was coming from the briefcase.
- Mm.
- Oh.
- There's no way this is a commercial cologne.
- It smells like insect repellent.
- We'll have it analyzed.
- Yes.
- Oh! - Aah! - Nice catch.
- Easy for you to say.
In spite of the way you smell, at least you can have the satisfaction that you were right.
Our bookworm, Mr.
Doke, is definitely involved in the disappearance of the jewels.
Laura, I repeat: I still think our best move is to wait until he gets home and then wring a confession out of him.
Someone may have already done the wringing for us.
- Clarissa, come on in.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm glad I caught you.
Your Miss Krebs said that I might find you here.
- I'm glad you came by.
As a matter of fact- - Ah, Miss Custer- Sorry.
I hope I'm not intruding on anything.
- Oh! - Merely freshening up after a run-in with a bottle of toilet water.
- Oh! - Actually, we were just on our way to see you.
- Why don't you sit down? - I, um- I wanted to be face-to-face with you to tell you that the agency is going to hold up your fee while they investigate the loss of the jewels and I am truly sorry.
What did you want to see me about? Well, we're convinced that Archie Doke is behind the jewels' disappearance.
Oh, you haven't heard.
The paramedics received a phone call, an anonymous phone call a few hours ago, and they found Archie dead of a heart attack with an empty bottle of nitroglycerin pills in his hand and no sign of the jewels.
Tell us about Archie.
Did he have friends, family? Well, his family were his friends.
His wife, Evie, died about eight months ago.
They were married for 40 years, and then there's a son, a marine biologist-Todd.
- He works at the Hayden Institute.
- Is there word on the street? - Anything about the stones being moved? - Not so far.
We've contacted all the fences that deal in that kind of merchandise.
We'll recover the jewels, Clarissa.
I promise you.
Well, you better find the jewels and the thief, Laura or they're going to say you stole them and chickened out and decided to give them back.
- Help you? - We're looking for Todd Doke.
You may have just missed him.
I saw him about an hour ago.
He was packing up to take a leave of absence.
His father just passed away.
Todd's taking the ashes back home to Rhode Island.
- He expecting you? - I'm sure it must havejust slipped his mind.
Yeah.
Poor guy.
He was so devoted to his dad.
Well, anyway, his lab's in there.
He may still be in.
Attractive creatures.
Reminds me of a woman I used to know in Nice.
- Of course, she was blonde.
- Well, I don't know about your woman in Nice but one bite from these guys, and you'll be dead before you can say "Ouch.
" - A blonde in Nice? - Yes.
World-class player of chemin de fer.
- And yet you choose to remain here? - Like the man says it's a question of bark versus bite.
Lest you be fooled, Mr.
Steele, I have been known to nip.
One can only hope, Miss Holt.
Well, well, well.
Why don't you check out that whirlybird while I see what's in there? - I won't be a moment.
- Mm-hmm.
Ever play chemin de fer? Hmm.
Help! Laura? Hmm.
Oh.
! Fine.
Hmm.
Oh, my God! Laura! You all right? Come on! Let's go! Quick! Quick! Calm down.
Are you all right? It wasn't a fair fight! They have more teeth than I do! Well, I'd say you more than held your own, Miss Holt.
- There you go.
- Better than your blonde in Nice? What? Oh, this isn't a competition, Laura.
- Just open this.
- Okay.
Oh.
Ah! Don't worry.
I had this great idea that the Royal Lavulite was hidden in there.
Yes.
Yes, well, perhaps it was.
In the meantime, that chopper up there has a tracking device that could've been used to home in on the Rabbit.
Come on.
Let's go.
Ladies first.
have your purse.
- Yes, of course.
I'm sure they'll understand.
Good-bye.
Hold, please.
Okay.
Oh, Miss Holt, Mr.
Steele, any luck? Indeed, Mildred.
All of it bad.
Mr.
Apted called and said he decided not to hire private detectives after all and Mr.
Nestor called to say it would be better for him to hire private detectives who are less newsworthy.
All the calls holding out there are pretty much the same.
- What do I tell them? - Drink, Mildred? Oh, give me a snort of whatever you've got.
Oh, and this telegram just came- Thank you.
Well, I didn't think it was possible for things to get any worse but this is from the State Bureau of Investigative Service.
They've suspended our license, pending an inquiry into the loss of the Royal Lavulite.
- Oh! Mildred, do me a favor and- - Ooh.
Sorry.
Run this over to the lab, will you? Tell them it's a rush.
You got it.
Ohh.
Laura, are you all right? - I think it's time for showers and a change of clothes.
- Oh.
- We have an image to uphold.
- Mm.
- Yes? - Sorry.
Forgot my key.
- Oh! - Oh.
Pretzels? Got pretzels? Pretzels.
- I interrupt your shower? - Huh? Oh, no problem.
You wanna pick up where you left off, only with some company? Oh, well, I can't, Nora.
The ball game's starting.
Excuse me.
You want to get me a beer, Nora? Sure, honey.
All right, Deacon! Way to hit him! Way to hit him! That's my boy! Sack him.
! Sack him! Sack him! Rubbish! Rubbish! Terrible! - Who's playing? - Go on, Deacon! That's it! Thank you.
- Mmm.
- Move out! Move out! Nora! Nora! You're sitting on my- You're sitting- Oh.
What do you say, lover? When it comes to ball games you wanna be an observer or a participant? Don't- Don't you ever get enough? I'll heat up a jar of emotion potion.
What do you say? I say heat me up a 20-year-old blonde, and we may have a deal.
You're so mean to me! Oh, damn it, Nora! You made me miss the touchdown! You know, this game reminds me of the time that I was masquerading as a mercenary in Malaysia so that I could smuggle out the imperial art treasures.
Oh, please, I've heard that story a thousand times.
Your past was so much more exciting when I didn't know what it was and I could imagine all sorts of kinky things.
Yes, well, what about the time I crept into the Palace of Versailles, eh and replaced all the mirrors with one-way glass so that I could- Boring! Boring! Boring! Just a minute! Hi.
Hi.
Oh, uh- Coming! I'll just be a minute, Count.
Laura, darling! Oh, and little Nora and little Remington.
- Honey, Auntie Mildred's here.
- Ah, Auntie Mildred.
- Darling! - Good to see you again, angel.
- How are you, my sweet? - How's everything at the agency going, eh? It is just great.
It's a big year, my darling.
It seems that everybody has a reason for hiring a detective.
- Oh, really? - How's work at the auto plant? Best thing that ever happened to us, losing our P.
I.
license.
Wouldn't you say, Nora? Oh, yes.
No more late-night stakeouts.
No more dodging bullets at every turn.
Now once that whistle blows at 5:00- sorry, kids- it's straight home to Nora and the babies.
- How great.
- And how about you, Mildred? When are you and the count gonna settle down and start a family? Me? Oh, darling.
A housewife? Over my dead body.
- Body.
- Dead body.
That's it.
I know where the jewels are hidden.
# E-O, eleven # Ocean's 11.
Frank Sinatra, Richard Conte and the Rat Pack Warner Bros.
, 1960.
Mm-hmm.
Frank Sinatra plays a former army man who recruits an old platoon to rob some Las Vegas casinos on New Year's Eve.
But after they rob the casinos, Richard Conte dies of a heart attack so his buddies decide to hide the money in his coffin so they can get it out of the town without the police finding it.
- Clever.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Until Richard Conte's wife decides to have him cremated.
But cremation wouldn't hurt Royal Lavulite.
Uh-uh.
- Thank you very much.
- Good night.
Okay.
Okay.
"Smyth, Tim.
Simpson, Sam.
Myers, Don.
Doke, Archibald.
" - We're going to hell for this, I'm sure.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No jewels.
- No jewels? No.
Ooh! - Empty.
- Oh, no.
This is just great.
Four years of college, two years of apprenticeship three years building up the agency, and poof- my license is suspended, and I'm stuck in a coffin with you.
- So now we're down to it, eh? - You're damn right we're down to it.
I never should have put you in charge of protecting those jewels.
- And what would you have done differently, Detective Holt? - The problem is not your competence.
- Oh.
The problem is that I stupidly went ahead and did something I'd sworn I'd never do: put my fate in someone else's hands.
Maybe it's about time you realize we're none of us in complete control of our fates.
Well, then, why do I feel embarrassed? Why do I feel gui- I didn't steal the damn jewels.
Do you ever have dreams, Laura? About us? About our lives? I suppose sometimes.
I've had some dreams recently.
Troubling at first but then I realized that they helped put some things in perspective.
And? And I, uh- I finally understand that I've stayed around not for the promise of what our relationship might be but for the reality of what it is.
Oh, my God.
Help! Help! We're alive in here! Laura, hold me tight! Mr.
Steele, this is not a good time! - And start rocking! - Oh! You oughta think about using microwaves.
Far more fuel efficient.
If someone tries to kill us twice in the same day, we must be on the right track.
Try this.
Todd and his father steal the jewels and Todd plans on hiding them in the snake tank.
Then his father dies, and Todd decides to secrete the jewels in his ashes.
But if he has the jewels and we keep spoiling his hiding places, why doesn't he just run? - Perhaps he doesn't have the jewels yet.
- Oh.
Oh, Mildred! Sit down.
The way things are going, that chair could be yours sooner than you think.
I just thought with both of you in so much trouble the least I could do is burn a little midnight oil.
- How's it burning? - A lot of smoke.
This lab report came in.
I can't make any sense of it.
Spartina essence and methyl trichlorosilane.
The scent of an underwater grass mixed with a chemical binder.
So the scent would stick to solid objects like Royal Lavulite.
Why would anybody want the jewels to smell like underwater grass? That's it.
That's it.
This must be where the swans were penned while the lagoon was being drained.
Right you are, Miss Holt.
- Go away.
Go away.
- Over there a bit.
- Huh? - Right there.
There you go.
- There's another one.
- Oh! - These swans must have a wonderful digestive system.
Well, they probably wondered what hit them when they smelled their favorite underwater flora- thanks- but tasted Royal Lavulite instead.
What's that for? What are you doing? When Todd Doke finds his jewels missing, we'll want him to know where to find them.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Here's one more.
Three more to go.
I think there's three.
- I wish he'd get here already.
I'm tired.
- Mm-hmm.
If he doesn't show up, and we can't return the jewels without being accused of having stolen them in the first place well, I'd love to teach you chemin de fer.
Saved by the bell.
It's open.
- The gems, please.
- Oh, what's the rush, mate? I mean, the funeral home doesn't open for a few hours yet, hmm? I mean, you were planning on hiding the jewels in your father's ashes, weren't you? That's the irony of it.
I got involved with this as a favor to my father.
He wanted to lead the high life before his heart gave out on him.
Well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans.
And it was a brilliant plan he had.
Putting the fake stones in the lagoon long before we were ever there and then making us think that the real stones were fake angering Mr.
Steele so that he'd grab for the stones and they'd fall into the lagoon.
Where the swans would gobble them up.
My father's legacy.
Thank you very much.
I'll show myself out.
Drop it, buster! I got it all, chief! - Not quite all.
- It had to be you, eh, Clarissa? I mean, who else could convince a boring old bookworm like Archie Doke that he was missing out on the finer things of life, eh? He was a nice little man, but so shortsighted.
So lost when his wife died, he came to treasure our friendship.
- Todd, bring me the jewels.
- Mildred, if he moves, shoot him.
Don't kid a kidder, Mr.
Steele.
Miss Krebs wouldn't harm a fly.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I can't.
It's all right, Mildred.
Don't worry about it.
If it's any consolation, Laura, you and Mr.
Steele did a bang-up job- unfortunately, so good that well, I'm going to have to kill you.
I can't afford any loose ends.
It was Todd at the tank, but it was you who locked us in that coffin, wasn't it? It was getting risky following you around, and then I had the thought that if you were missing and the jewels were missing, that it would be case closed.
Now I'm just going to have to be a little messier.
Ooh! Laura! Although I never knew Nora Bolt I'm told she was a kindly soul who was concerned only for her friends and family.
Nora, we bid you good-bye.
- If only her mother could've been here.
- Her bridge day.
- Or her sister Frances.
- Right in the middle of redoing her den.
Ah, death can be so inconvenient at times but I'm sure Laura would understand.
Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
Yes.
Life is unfair.
I mean, Clarissa survives the fall off your balcony, and now she and that Todd will get out of jail in just a few years, ready to renew their lives.
But our poor Miss Holt.
Oh, there, there, Mildred.
There, there, there, there, there, there.
Oh, Mr.
Steele, you're the one who must be devastated.
- Oh.
- How on earth will you ever get along without her? I'll get by.
Hey.
! Don't think you can get rid of me that easily, Mr.
Steele.
- Dinner and a movie, Miss Holt? - Why not? - Cin-cin.
- Bottoms up.
Lucky girl.
That hedge breaking her fall? She'll be fine, but we should let her get some sleep.
Uh- Sweet dreams, Miss Holt.
You too, Mr.
Steele.