Sabrina The Teenage Witch s02e19 Episode Script

Halt.
You're stuffing my salmon into your book bag.
That red, flaky sockeye is all I have to live for.
Sorry, Salem.
The clubs at school are collecting canned goods for the food drive.
You know, Sabrina, charity begins at home.
In fact, in my mind, it begins in the cat dish.
A whole fish.
Oh! You're a good witch, Sabrina.
And if there were another cat in the house, I'd share it.
Well, there's always Fluffy next door.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on that.
Please remove your shoes and enjoy our show.
SABRINA: Aunt Hilda? You gonna drive me to school? I'm fading fast down here.
HILDA: I just have to get my violin.
Zelda, watch where you're going.
You just bumped right into me.
ZELDA: You bumped into me.
I am so nervous.
I have an audition for a string trio, and these musicians are very serious.
They think Mozart's Requiem is too lighthearted.
- Aunt Hilda? - Just help me find my keys.
Aunt Hilda, you have three arms.
Don't I wish.
What? Oh! How did that get there? I don't know, but it doesn't match your outfit.
- Zelda.
- I know.
I know.
Aunt Zelda, you only have-- I know.
I still have two eyes.
I have an audition in half an hour.
I cannot show up at the conservatory with three arms.
That's cheating.
We've got a weather advisory for anyone travelling from Neptune to Earth this weekend.
- What's this? - The Witch Channel.
It's a rip-off at 19.
95 a month.
Sunspots will be affecting the entire inner half of the solar system.
Just as I suspected.
What? What did you suspect? Sunspots.
They cause molecular instability.
That's how my arm got attached to Hilda.
Is this permanent? If it is, we'll have to cancel the canoe trip.
We have to fix this.
The people at the conservatory already think I'm a little ditzy.
Wherever would they get that idea? Well, there was that time Yo-Yo Ma was soloing and I screamed, "Kick up the jams, Yo-Yo.
" There's a spell to put our arms back, but I have to look it up.
Sabrina, you'll have to take the bus to school.
Oh! But I'll be late.
He always picks up other kids.
I'm sorry, but I can't do everything at once.
Especially with only one arm.
I don't think I can go to school with molecular instability in the air.
I mean, what if one of my arms breaks off and gets attached to Harvey? I don't think I could remain calm.
Because you're half mortal, we don't know how sunspots will affect you.
You'll just have to be extra careful.
I'm drawing a blank.
Now, what was the upside to being a witch? Need a hand? Science Club has the worst bin in school.
I brought some liquorice.
Does that help? We're not really can people at my house.
How'd you do that? - Do what? - Your hair.
Oh, no.
Gotta go.
Okay, I'm gonna pass out.
Oh, no.
Molecular instability.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi, Harvey.
I'm not sure God ever meant ravioli to be stuffed into a can, but I've got a whole bag of them.
Oh, great, thanks.
What's that? Hair? Yeah.
Uh, fake-- Wig.
If you need to put it back on, I've got some duct tape in my locker.
The cheerleaders have collected more canned food than any other club.
I just wish I could get more excited about this.
It's the idea of charity.
It just seems so un-American.
Well, what if we made the food drive a competition? Would that make it more American? Are you suggesting we pit one service organisation against the other? A way of saying: We're better than you are.
I like the way you think.
Competition? Mr.
Kraft, this is a food drive, not a contest.
Sabrina, your wig-thing's on the back of your jacket.
We're not supposed to be collecting food for a prize.
We should do it out of the goodness of our hearts.
Oh, I'm sure that's how it's done, in Red China.
At any rate, thanks to a wonderful suggestion from Libby, the club that collects the most food will be awarded a lovely prize.
And the rest of you can just feel bad.
Good luck, children.
- Well, how'd the audition go? - Fine.
They wanna come over tomorrow to talk some more.
In other words, spy on me to see if I'm nuts.
Someone told them about the time you tp'd Carnegie Hall.
Don't worry.
We'll both be charming and they will love you for who you are.
Like that's ever worked before.
Oh! This is not good.
Oh, no.
Molecular instability again.
- I'll get the magic book.
- And maybe a rope? VALERIE: So, what are you gonna do to Libby? - Yell? Insult her in front of everyone? - No, I'm just gonna talk to her nicely and explain to her that competition is not in the spirit of charity.
And then whack her with a can? Hold my hair.
Good, I'm just late enough to make a perfect entrance.
[GRUNTS.]
Watch it, cheerleader.
Oh, excuse me, Sabrina.
I'm sorry.
Hi, guys, how are you? What are you grinning at, Harpo? Fish sticks again? Couldn't there be an executive side to this cafeteria? Oh, there's Valerie.
She's gonna sit with us.
She always sits with us.
She's so clingy.
Don't you think she's clingy? Are you okay, Sabrina? - Hi.
- Hi.
What? What did I do wrong? Nothing.
[MOUTHS.]
Clingy.
Hi, guys, I'm gonna go get some dessert.
Anybody want some? My treat.
Sure, that's so nice of you, thanks.
Oh, why don't you just marry her? Hey, Emma.
Nice outfit.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, no.
- Mom was wrong again.
- You guys.
- You're hurting her feelings.
- What? Did you see what Emma's wearing? I mean, all that's missing is a big red nose and yellow shoes.
It doesn't matter what you wear.
What matters is what's in your heart.
"What matters is what's in your heart.
" Put it on a sampler.
Wait, you wanna go to the mall? I guess.
Hey, not so hard.
You're petting a cat, not polishing andirons.
Excuse me? Boning up on your magic? Duh.
I have all this power, I never do anything with it.
Maybe the captain of the football team should grovel at my feet.
Sabrina, I can't quarterback without you.
I'll get back to you.
Hm.
Focusing on the self-serving spells? - Got a problem? - Moi? No way.
I tried to use my powers to take over the world, remember? Hence the fur.
- Put a sock in it.
I'm trying to read.
- You're kidding, right? You're not kidding.
I'm still talking.
Sorry.
Coming through.
Sabrina, on behalf of the food drive, I'm giving you this plaque for-- - Excuse me.
- Oh, boy.
Can I have everyone's attention? Mr.
Kraft has an award to present.
The Science Club collected the most canned food, through some miracle, and the award goes to-- Me.
- Thank you, Mr.
Kraft.
- Sure.
I'd like to thank all the little people who worked so hard to help me.
But the truth is, I did it all by myself.
So my deepest, sincerest thanks to me.
They didn't even put my name on this stupid plaque.
It just says Science Club.
Like the Science Club would even exist without me.
I'm telling you, if I was running this school-- I wish you were running the school.
You know, the way Libby used to-- Help the blind? --before she changed.
Yeah, everyone's always liked you, Sabrina, but we were all afraid of Libby.
Now everyone's afraid of you.
- They are? - Oh, yeah.
You've got the power.
I do, don't I? What are you looking at? I can use my power for anything.
For the good of mankind or for the good of me.
Oh, Miss Spellman, I believe it's time for class.
Okay, folks, show's over.
Hilda? What happened to you? I'm afraid a small black hole just formed in the sink.
More molecular instability? It just sucked the kitchen table and a whole platter of tea cakes into oblivion.
Well, what are we gonna do? Marie and Claude will be here any minute.
They're mortals.
They don't do black holes.
What's going on? Oh, a small infinite chasm in the sink.
Nothing to worry about.
Well, you guys seem stressed today.
Is there anything I can help you with? No, no, but how sweet of you to offer.
Anything for two wonderful aunts.
Suckers.
Well, I'm glad to see molecular instability hasn't affected her.
But what about the trio? We'll have to keep them out of the kitchen.
Oh, and off the sofa and out of the chair.
Gee, this isn't gonna be awkward at all.
SALEM: What's up? Looking for a spell to take over my school.
Really? You know, Sabrina, I've noticed you've become so much more confident and assertive these last few days.
I can turn anyone into a goat.
- Why wouldn't I be confident? - Precisely.
But since we're thinking about takeovers, why waste your efforts on some rinky-dink little high school? With your powers, you could do so much more.
How much more? Perhaps it's time to think globally.
- Won't you come in? - But not too far.
[SALEM CACKLES.]
First, we'll take over the school, then the state.
Then I cast a spell over Congress, making them declare me president of the United States, and at 6 I go live on Larry King.
That's when you know the world is yours.
What a lovely porch.
You feel at home before you're in their home.
I hope Sabrina's feeling better.
She was acting really weird at school.
We can fix that.
Nothing turns a frown upside down better than apple brown Betty.
And her good friend whipped cream.
We hope you don't mind having tea around the piano.
Hilda's just so dedicated to her music, she can't bear to be separated from it.
- Too bad we're not having Chinese.
- Why's that? Because then she could play Chopsticks.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Excuse me.
HILDA: Oh.
Ha-ha.
Hi, Harvey, Libby.
Um, it's a hologram.
The door was never actually here.
You know, Zelda's a physicist.
She's always playing pranks with lasers.
You know me.
Wacky Zelda.
- Is Sabrina home? - Why? I came by to see her.
Oh.
She's in her room.
Come in.
All right.
If there's opposition, we crush it.
Yeah! - Resistance, we demolish it.
- Yeah! If there's fish, we eat it.
ZELDA: Sabrina, you have visitors.
- See who it is and get rid of them.
- Right.
How? I'm a housecat.
You have teeth, don't you? Wow.
I love a woman who can take charge.
Don't sit down.
No, no-- You haven't seen our new issue of PennySaver.
[MEOWS.]
I see you have a cat.
I hope you're not allergic.
If you are, we can just throw him outside.
Oh, no, don't.
I love cats.
Of course, I love all living things.
SALEM [IN VOICEOVER.]
: Oh, this is wonderful.
Sabrina used to stroke me this way.
Now, what was it I came down here for? Curse this short attention span.
Is anybody else beginning to wonder whether Sabrina heard you call? - I'll go up and get her.
SALEM: What? Wait.
Don't go up there.
You and your sister have a lovely home, Ms.
Spellman.
Would you like a tour? Oh.
We'd love one.
Just keep your hands inside the bus.
That's a joke.
It's not ditzy.
All right, let's do it.
Dear, didn't you hear, Harvey and Libby-- - Sabrina.
- Uh-oh.
As you can see, we have very serious, sombre wallpaper.
Go.
Excuse me.
Hey, watch it.
Sabrina Spellman, by order of the Witches' Council, you are under arrest.
What's the charge? Plotting to take over the world.
I might as well let them sit on the couch now.
Watch it.
Overdue library books.
Let's go back to the living room.
But where did those policemen come from? There's a doughnut shop upstairs.
Sabrina, I don't understand.
What's gotten into you? I want a lawyer.
Why do I think you had something to do with all this? Um.
Well, I-- [SOBBING.]
Ms.
Spellman, in view of what we've just seen-- I know, it's back to playing square dances.
Oh, and, by the way, "Chopsticks"? Not funny.
Goodbye.
It was just so special meeting you.
Sabrina's trial starts in five minutes.
[SOBBING.]
But I didn't mean to do anything wrong.
Oh, would you get a grip? We'll deal with you later.
[CHATTERING.]
Order.
Order, order, order.
Sabrina Spellman, you have been found guilty of plotting to take over the mortal world.
Oh, sure, it's mostly water.
It's all they've got.
You have anything to say before sentence is passed? Your wig looks silly.
Sabrina, that's not what I meant when I said grovel.
Maybe it's all that sugar she eats.
Then this council has no choice but to sentence you to 100 years as a witch familiar.
Let's make her a cat.
- I object.
- On what grounds? On the grounds that you're mean.
SALEM: Why did I talk her into it? I want my old Sabrina back.
The one who used to make me feel all safe and loved.
Maybe that Libby girl is downstairs.
She's got a gentle touch and-- Wait a minute.
Libby.
Sabrina.
But that's not right.
Sabrina.
Libby.
That's it.
Sunspots.
All Sabrina's goodness has somehow gotten into Libby and vice versa.
I have to get to that trial.
But how? I can't open the door.
Maybe I can use molecular instability to crash my way through it.
[YELLS.]
Okay, time to go to plan B.
Ooh.
Scary mask.
Any last words? Nanny-nanny-boo-boo? Oh, I can't watch.
Remind me never to do that again.
The phone.
But who can I call? [RINGS.]
Other Realm Pizza, Will this be for pickup or delivery? Delivery.
I want a pizza as fast as possible.
What kind of toppings would you like, sir? Let me see.
Fish heads would be nice.
No, I don't have time.
Just bring me anything you got lying around and bring it now.
And don't forget the crazy bread.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Somebody order a pizza? SALEM: Just leave it.
I have a life to save.
Pay in fur for the crime you have committed.
SALEM: Wait, stop, don't touch a hair on that innocent golden head.
- What's that? - Salem Saberhagen.
I turned him into a cat 30 years ago.
- Hey, Jimmy.
- How's it going? Your Honour, I have new evidence which will clear Sabrina of all charges.
[PEOPLE GASP.]
I hate it when this happens.
LIBBY: I'm sure Sabrina will be here soon.
- Sabrina, we were getting worried.
- Ew.
Now, all three of you close your eyes.
I'm confused.
Take it from someone older and wiser.
You're gonna spend most of your life confused.
Are we playing a game? What a dweeb.
[CHANTING.]
No spells in front of the M-O-R-T-A-Ls.
Right, then we'll just have to do it the old-fashioned way.
Can I open my eyes yet? Yes, Harvey.
- So, Sabrina, you feel any better? - I feel great.
It was so nice of you to come over.
- Maybe we could still be friends.
- In your dreams.
This house gives me the creeps.
Oh, and the front-door hologram looks completely fake.
I have to get out of here.
I have such a headache.
So you wanna pick up Valerie and get a pizza? HARVEY: Works for me.
I'm starved.
Nice camouflage.
Did I by any chance try to take over the world this afternoon, get caught by the Witches' Council, get put on trail and almost become a cat, or did I just dream all that? - Do you really wanna know? - No.
- I'm sorry about the trio.
- Me too.
Wanna go drop some big things down the sink? Love to.
Where's Salem? I wanna thank him for saving the day.
And yell at him for starting the whole thing.
[GROANS.]
Double cheese, double toppings? What was I thinking?