Sledge Hammer! s02e19 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
We know you're behind the so-called "voodoo murders".
Yeah.
There you go, Inspector.
- Good as new.
- Thank you, Majoy.
- I say nothing till my lawyer gets here.
- Is that right? We found this doll in the victim's apartment and it resembles you.
I will handle this, OK? That doll's got nothing to do with the murders this meatloaf committed.
Besides, voodoo stuff is malarkey.
Please be carefuI with that! - I want my lawyer! Now! - Come on.
Stop dancing.
Why did you murder those people while they were in a locked room? - Sledge.
- What? - Come on.
- What? He's allowed to have his lawyer.
No geek in a three-piece suit is gonna let this cretin go.
Urgh! Lawyers are parasites who prey on creeps' wallets.
- Is that true, friend? - Yeah, that's Scott! - Scott GrabeI, how you doing! - How are you? - You know this fascist? - Shut up! Or I'II deck you.
What's with this get-up? You join the Billionaire Boys Club? I'm a lawyer now, Sledge.
Wayne State, class of '73.
Here's your client.
State Pen, class of '97.
Doreau, this is Scott GrabeI.
I've talked about my schooI friend.
Uh No.
Not really.
Oh.
You know I never talk about my friends.
I like this guy! - He thinks.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Well, since we're all friends here, I guess I'll be able to watch Carson tonight.
Why don't you let me hold the doll? - How long you been in town? - Two months.
How come you didn't call? Too busy, huh? Why don't we go have a drink and talk over old times? - I'll have a drink! - You're not going anywhere.
He is.
I have arranged for your baiI, Dominic.
- He's free to go.
- BaiI? Ugh! This way, Mr Tauber.
We're letting you out.
I told you I'd walk out of here Blondie.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Aarrgh! Scott stayed up all night and helped with my biology finaI.
He really saved my neck.
Sledge got the locaI gang to return the steering wheeI of my dad's car.
Yeah We were always there for each other, huh? - You sound like quite a team.
- Brains and brawn.
That's how they describe us, too.
Hammer, I thought I heard you in here.
Was I talking that loud? Captain, meet my friend, Scott GrabeI.
Friend from high schooI.
- This is my superior, Captain Trunk.
- Nice to meet you.
I had this installed.
Doctors have beepers.
I have this.
'One Charlie five, proceed to Third and Grand.
' Roger.
Scott, why don't you come on a police run? Then we can go over to my place? - OK.
- All right.
- You got a place here? - Yeah, I Why didn't you call? You should have! But you didn't call me! I haven't seen him so excited since he first identified a criminaI's body.
Scott has taken him back to a time before he was callous.
When was that? When he was a foetus? No, he was probably always callous.
This is the first clock I ever got.
My pop gave it to me.
Hey, Sledge, here's a picture of us on the track team.
I'm still the same weight.
I fired that starting pistoI every single meet.
Remember the state championships? Boy, I was depressed that day.
- Because we lost? - The coach only let me fire blanks.
Picture of you - ROTC.
Again, no reaI ammo.
Where do the years go, huh? Whoa! Big trouble! Susan Hilton? She was the most miserable, self-centred nagging witch in the schooI.
Ugh! Why did you marry her? She was my high-schooI sweetheart.
It was expected of me.
You shouldn't do what people expect.
It should be two people who love each other, wanna make their lives complete.
Being a lawyer has put a blindfold on your brain, old buddy.
Some things are made in heaven but marriage is made in hell.
- I hope not, cos I'm getting married.
- What? I'm getting married.
To a wonderfuI lady I'm in love with.
- I want you to be happy for me.
- Sure I'm happy! Happier than the day they legalised hollow-point bullets.
- Great.
- Great.
Good.
When do I get to meet your future battleaxe? - I don't know.
- How about tomorrow? I'll bring Doreau and we can make it a party.
I guess so.
Gotta go, Sledge.
Oh, really? That's too bad.
Uh I guess you have an early morning in court? - Yeah.
- Good.
It was great seeing you, even though we are on opposite sides of the law.
Sledge, I'm a lawyer, not an axe murderer.
Whatever.
Anyway Um Really It was really, you know It really was you know, to see you.
It was, you know Really - Nice, Sledge? - Yeah, nice.
I have trouble with that word.
OK.
- So, uh Don't get mugged.
- So long, mate.
He is a great guy, isn't he? Has Hammer changed his opinion about lawyers? Dropped his stereotypicaI prejudices? It's a changing world but I haven't changed.
I hate all lawyers.
They don't do anything! They don't grow or make anything.
- All they do is make trouble.
- Your friend's a lawyer! I'm not going to listen to your psychologicaI bunk.
Your relationship with a man whose values - I'm not listening to this.
- .
.
will rub off on you! 'One Charlie five.
Proceed to Third and Grand.
' Ten four.
Hey, man! Police business.
We got him! All right, vermin.
That was a strike.
I'm gonna see that you rot in jaiI.
Unless you get a good lawyer.
Here's a very good one - Scott GrabeI.
Oh, man, I know GrabeI! I robbed the store to pay his fees! Now take me down so he can baiI me out! - Not your typicaI Italian restaurant.
- Why do you say that? I haven't seen one picture of the owner with Frank Sinatra.
Wait a minute, I know this place.
Oh, right This was the ex-wife's favourite joint.
Ooh-ooh-ooh! - Well, I'll try to have fun despite that.
- My fiancee chose it for this evening.
I wonder where she is.
She's never late.
I hope she didn't get hit by a car in the street.
- Sledge.
- I'm just showing concern.
How long have you known your future bride? It's interesting.
We knew each other as teenagers Sledge! What is going on? Dori, this is my lady.
That's no lady.
That's my ex-wife! - Ex-wife? - His ex-wife.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
I thought running out was what brain-dead commies did.
We got nothing to say, dragon lady! You suckered my friend into marrying you.
I want to throw up! - How have you been? - You look tired.
Too many all-night stakeouts? Too much coffee? Too much violence? - Too little affection? - The same old Susie, huh? - Trying to make my hard edges soft.
- Not soft, Sledge.
Human.
You've heard of human, haven't you? It means warm.
Tender.
You just described a good steak.
Beat it! Let's let the past be the past.
We were lousy as man and wife but maybe we can be good as friends.
If you're willing to be mature.
Think about it, huh? Mature, huh? How's that for mature? Then he walks out of the restaurant.
- Unconscionable! - He pulled the gun on her! "That's no lady, that's my ex-wife!" That is the oldest joke in the book.
If I had not seen it, I never would have believed it.
I've never seen Sledge so scare Uh So, anyway, Majoy's looking for the files now.
Don't hide it.
I knew you'd be blabbing.
And you! She's a woman.
It's her nature to gossip.
But you, I'm shocked! Hammer.
We're concerned about you.
Well, nothing personaI but my personaI life is personaI.
Do I probe into your life? Talk behind your back? - Do I rummage in your desk? - All the time.
Well, I was probably on a case.
Hammer, why are you so angry? No more ex-wife, no more alimony.
You should be celebrating.
Celebrating! Why didn't I think of that? That's right.
I don't feeI like celebrating! Sledge, your ex-wife is marrying your best friend.
It could be worse.
She could be marrying Peter Home.
Excuse me, Inspector.
The suspect you just brought in has been released to his lawyer.
I just changed my mind.
I do want to celebrate! Where are you two dirtballs going? You were buddies.
What happened? - I'm marrying his ex-wife.
- Bad move.
Come on, grease ball.
You're staying here.
- He's on baiI.
- He's in jaiI.
It's not up to you! Throwing garbage on the street? That's littering! Will you tell me what the hell is going on! Your inspector is holding my client because he has feelings for Susan! That's impossible.
They can tell you.
I don't have any feelings.
- Right? - Right.
Oh! Then you're not angry at me for marrying Susan.
I'm ecstatic! She's your problem now.
And she's a problem.
Then it won't be a problem for you to be best man at my wedding? Oh, I'd love to! Me and my reaI amigo here.
We'll be there.
Captain, if you can make it, I'd enjoy it if you were there.
Thank you! Majoy, release Mr GrabeI's client.
And the rest of you get back to work! Just put your John Hancock down there and Mr Tauber will be a free man.
Let's go.
Mr GrabeI? - One more thing.
- What's that? Can I come to your stag party too? Sure, Majoy.
- Party? - Don't ask.
All right, a toast! A toast for Scott! - Many happy returns of the day! - Hear, hear! Hey, Hammer, just cos this hotshot lawyer's marrying your ex-wife doesn't mean you can't enjoy his stag party! - I'm having a great time, Majoy.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can see that.
I guess it was just the beer talking.
I must say, it's ironic that Sledge pulled a gun on me in the restaurant.
- Why? - He did that the night he proposed.
Only then he was kidding.
Least I thought he was kidding.
Why did you ask me to meet you? I want you to speak to Sledge.
He thinks a lot of you.
He does? He has a funny way of showing it.
Oh, he does! He's written to me about you.
Would you like to hear a letter? Absolutely.
"Dear blood-sucking leechette, "Enclosed find one post-dated alimony cheque.
"PS I have a new partner.
She's a woman.
"I like her anyway.
"Yours in divorce, Inspector S.
Hammer.
" - What, that's it? - For Sledge, that's spilling his guts.
I guess you're right.
Mr Macho.
You know Sledge - he can't relate to a woman.
But I found that kind of fun at first.
He sort of brought out the tomboy in me.
We used to arm wrestle.
Shoot guns.
Drive fast.
But he never once told me I was beautifuI.
Never allowed a tender moment to stay tender.
It grew tiresome.
I had to move on.
Yeah.
Sledge will never change.
I've talked to him.
He won't listen.
I really feeI sorry for him sometimes.
Try harder.
Explain that he's always going to remain just what he is.
A nihilist.
Alone.
Maybe he's working his way out of it.
He went to the party.
For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny That's it.
Enough degradation.
What are you doing? I'm taking this party downtown.
- You're all under arrest.
- Yeah? What's the charges? Air pollution for one! - Indecent exposure.
- Hammer, you're not taking anyone in.
- Resisting arrest.
- Hammer! This is too far.
I forbid you to arrest anyone! That's obstruction of justice.
Everybody, hands on your heads, let's go.
Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Move it! Move it, move it, move it! Move it! I'm required to read you your rights under the Constitution.
You have the right to to, um You have the right to, um Don't help me.
You have the right to, uh The right to remain You have the right to remain.
If you want a lawyer, you have the right to a dime.
The phones take a quarter.
Uh Whatever I can get out of you, I'll use against you.
That pretty much covers it.
Hammer, I am your superior, right? I am in charge.
You work for me.
How dare you arrest me! I can't play favourites.
How would that reflect on me? Why didn't you get a paddywagon? You made us walk down the sidewalk! - When I get through with you - No! - I want first crack at him.
- Be my guest.
So you feeI like a big man now, do you? You abused your authority to get back at Scott because I love him! It's not like I ruined his credit rating.
Oh, go ahead, make a joke.
But it's not funny! Neither are you.
I don't have to take this nagging.
I'm not married to you.
- Tell it to your gun! - I think I will! See, it's right there.
That's it.
That's the, um Put the You don't need to listen to anybody.
Sledge Hammer has the answers.
- Come on, I dumped you years ago.
- No! I dumped you! And it's the smartest thing I ever did.
Get out of my life, woman.
I will! But I'm going out with a bang.
I better look for a new best man.
Sledge, you've gotta let this go.
- But my jaw really hurts! - Not your jaw.
Susan.
I already did.
I got divorce papers to prove it.
You're being selfish.
Be happy for them.
I don't believe this.
Two people in my life are ripping my guts out and you want me to smile? - That's not what I meant.
- Look.
Scott and Susan are two more people who have found each other.
AII I ever find is clues.
For the first time in my life, I'm starting to think that maybe I'm gonna spend the rest of my life alone.
I'll be a 70-year-old man, alone.
Unable to shoot my gun.
Unable to shoot my gun.
You got me.
Yeah, right.
You'll leave too.
Not if you don't want me to.
Let me into your life.
Come on, beat it, Doreau.
The best thing you could do right now is to go to that wedding.
I'd rather be dead.
I'm afraid you already are.
Well, amigo, it's just you and me, huh? You'll never leave me.
You're all I got.
If anyone present believes that this marriage should not take place, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Get on with it.
Do you, Susan, take this man to be your lawfuI wedded husband? - To love, to honour - You made the right decision.
I guess so.
You all right? Look like you're limping.
I decided to show a little respect for once.
It's a church.
I'm not wearing my gun.
You're lucky Trunk understood what you were going through.
Otherwise he would have pressed charges for your abusive authority.
Doreau.
Since I went to that wedding, I've come to, uh kind of a realisation.
I've given this a lot of thought.
I don't want to live my life alone.
I want a living, breathing human being to share my life with.
The good times and the bad.
So um This isn't an easy thing for me to ask, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.
Will you marry me? Are you s serious? No.