Suburgatory (2011) s02e19 Episode Script

Like any expecting father, Noah was nervous.
Sure, he happened to be expecting his college-age daughter and not a newborn, but that didn't make it any easier.
You know, Opus and I like the same TV shows.
We're on the same nap schedule.
You know, we're not embarrassed to fart around each other.
Look, man, don't don't overthink it.
She's your daughter.
It'll be fine.
That's easy for you to say.
Look at you and Tessa, with your your friendship and your your repartee.
It's disgusting.
You'd be surprised at how many people think it is disgusting.
Jenna is a cool girl.
You really don't have anything to worry about.
Yeah? Well, what if she just appears cool in group settings? Who knows what she's like one-on-one? No one! No one knows! I know.
We've become pretty close, actually.
Perfect, because someone needs to tell her that Jill and I are separated.
W you haven't told her? Look, we can't all be the great George Altman with our sage advice and our acoustic guitars and our telling people of things.
I'm gonna go hit the showe-showe.
Hey.
Um, whose apartment is this? She took the news surprisingly well.
Well, Jenna's a great girl.
Or should I say, she appears to be from what I've gleaned in group situations.
Now what she's like one-on-one, I have no Excuse me, Mr.
Altman.
Would you be interested in participating in this year's "Dads of Chatswin" calendar? - It's for charity, and - Javier, I think you know damn well George Altman is not the type to engage in a fun, playful, lighthearted activity like the one you're about to describe.
What? Why why would you say that? Have you met George Altman? I'm George Altman and I take myself real seriously.
I read the news.
I listen to the news.
I love news.
You know what? I resent that.
I'm George Altman.
I resent things.
Javier, please ignore her and finish what you were saying.
Okay, well, as I said, it's a fun calendar for charity where Chatswin dads pose in beefcake photos.
See? Look at his face! What? See, you lost him on "beefcake.
" Honestly, can you imagine George dressed up in hot pants and holding an axe? I mean, you just put the image in my head, so, yes, I can.
You know what? I can imagine it, too.
I'm signing up.
Thank you, Javier.
You know, just because you haven't seen me be fun and silly does not mean I don't love to be fun and silly.
Having Jenna around meant a chance to finally have an intelligent conversation.
I'm telling you, after you read this book, you'll realize that all relationships are fundamentally transactional.
Even the people you think you love are just meeting certain base biological needs.
Wow.
Why love? That's my point.
You don't.
Hey, Jenna.
I'm Lisa Shay.
We met once when your dad accidentally invited me to your 9th birthday party, and I threw up in your yard, and your dog ate it.
Oh.
Right.
Hi.
Hey, lesbians.
You guys should save some room for your vagtables.
Dalia.
Haven't you died of syphilis yet? Are you calling me a slut? I'm actually impressed she got the inference.
I didn't, but greasy losers usually call girls like me sluts.
Hey! George! We heard you signed up for the "Dads of Chatswin" calendar.
You're making a big mistake.
These dads, they they think they're coming off as sexy, but they look like fools.
Yeah.
The kind ya laugh at.
The weird thing is, I was looking through last year's calendar and both of you are in it.
Huh.
That is weird.
You don't look embarrassed to be tiptoeing through the Daffodils! Don't you dare call them otherwise.
And you.
Seems oddly unseasonable for January.
Well, originally, they shot me for July, and then decided to move me to a less prominent month.
It's very competitive, George.
Come on, guys.
There's no reason we have to take this so seriously.
Yeah, it's all fun and games until you're looking down the barrel of a back page group shot.
We'll see who's smiling then.
Come on, Fred.
See ya later.
Morning, Tessa.
Why? Tessa, Dalia came over this morning to take you to school.
That dress is so cute, Tessa.
Sure it is.
It is.
I swear.
Dalia, you want some scrambled eggs? No, thanks, daddy Altman.
I don't eat unborn chicken fetuses.
That's that's not what eggs are.
Really.
What are they? Uh well, these aren't fertilized, so they're just a a a normal part of a hen's menstrual - How about some cereal? - 'Kay.
We may have figured out what eggs were, but I still had no idea why Dalia was looking at me like that.
You can change this station if you don't like Wiz Khalif A, Tessa.
Morning.
You're getting really popular, Tessa.
That salad looks really good, Tessa.
Bop-zee-bop, shoo-bop, bop-bop-day twiggity-zee iggity-ee, zibbity-bow, shoo-bi-Dee-bop zigity-oh A capella scatting is pretty much the rawest form of human expression there is.
I know.
And I really liked the way you clapped after it, Tessa.
Um, Dalia, would you mind if Tessa and I had a word alone? Can I wait out in the hallway for you guys until you're done? I don't see why not.
'Kay.
Bye, Tessa.
What the hell is going on with you two? I have no idea.
It is super weird.
I've been eyeing her suspiciously all day but I haven't picked up on any ulterior motives.
She's just Being nice.
Dalia Royce is not nice.
She's a warped, broken sociopath.
Do you think she liked my song? Dalia wasn't the only one acting out of character.
Hi.
How you ladies doing? Have a seat.
My dad was about to embark on a midlife modeling career.
Have you done any modeling before? Uh, well, no, not professionally.
Well, you're clearly a natural.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah.
You've got a great quality.
Potential December material, if you ask me.
Oh.
And and that's good? Ohh.
I love his innocence.
The Decemberfold is only the most sought after position of the year.
Oh, the Decemberfold.
D-did you say that's what you said? Yeah, I I of course.
Of course.
Come on, George.
Could you take your top off, please? What what now? Could you remove your shirt? My sh uh, the um are you kidding? Suddenly, this guy's acting like a real amateur.
Oh.
Oh.
Well well well, okay.
Yeah.
I should I think That's it.
That's the stuff.
Très joli.
Mmm.
He's hunky.
Yes, but not a ton of definition, so the Decemberfold's probably out.
Maybe we could do something with hugging in March.
In March? Wait.
No.
March? No.
No.
Nobody gives a rat's ass about March.
Decemberfold.
Totally.
So you are ignoring my texts.
Lisa! What the hell? Tessa, I needed to get in touch with you.
It's urgent.
Uh, well, I'm sorry.
I'm running late to meet Jenna.
- Can this wait? - No.
Well, can you make it fast? No.
We all know freshman year I was blocked from Dalia's Facebook and Twitter accounts after being falsely accused of stalking her.
I didn't know that.
Well, that was before you moved to Chatswin and I started having human friends.
But that's just preamble.
Can we get to the amble? The point is, it takes one to know one.
And when Dalia started stalking you, I felt the need to re-stalk her to find out why.
But without access to her online life, the question was, how? To determine? Why she was doing it? There were three questions.
Lisa But then I realized I simply had to create an online fake boy identity named Lars Lissol.
You had to name him Lars Lissol? Well.
.
no.
That was the fun part.
The disturbing part is what Mr.
Lissol uncovered.
Just this evening, Dalia accepted his friend request.
Look at her feed over the past two days.
"Watched Tessa eat an unborn chicken.
L.
O.
L.
" "Watched Tessa eat her salad like a boss.
L.
O.
L.
" She's broadcasting every single thing she does with you.
But why? Don't know.
I can tell you who intends to find out.
- Lars Lissol.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Lisa, but I don't think that we need to drag an imaginary person into this.
I'll just ask Dalia what's up.
It's not like she's hiding it.
It's on the Internet.
I'll let you know what she says.
Okay? Okay, so I guess I'll just tell Lars that his services will no longer be needed.
Although I can tell you right now, he would've appreciated a thank you.
Lookin' good, daddy.
Ugh.
Everything looks so heavy.
Uh, excuse me.
Sir, uh, do you have a-a printout of the calorie count for these entrees? We most certainly do not.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, can you at least ask the kitchen how much butter they intend to put in this pan-seared salmon? You think you're ordering something healthy 'cause it's a fish, and then by the time they sneak all that butter in there, you've got this I'll go check on the undercover butter agenda.
George.
- Yeah? - What's up? You just seem a little annoying.
Well, yeah, I'm just trying to shred up, you know? I've got my my big photo shoot in a couple of days, so Photo shoot? Is this about that silly calendar? Y yes, it's about that "silly calendar.
" Per your suggestion, I am having a silly good time.
Well, you seem to be taking the silliness pretty seriously.
Well, th-that's because I happen to be in the running for December.
You seem fidgety.
Yeah, that's 'cause I'm fidgeting.
It's a great way to burn calories.
I've been fidgeting for days, and it's like, hello, cheekbones! Hey.
Carmen let me in.
I figured you wouldn't mind since we're such good friends these days.
L.
O.
L.
I'm tweeting that.
Dalia, what is going on? I knew it was weird when you started being nice to me all of a sudden, but I have no idea why you are tweeting and posting every stupid interaction we have for the whole world to see.
So I guess you want the true-true, as they say in my favorite movie "Cloud Atlas," featuring Tom Hanks playing like 17 different roles.
Yes.
Give me the true-true.
'Kay.
Jenna Werner and I used to be really good friends.
I said true-true.
Seriously, Tessa.
Her and I were mad tight, and then she, like, turned on a dollar and ditched me.
I think her Brown friends thought she was too good for me.
And when I saw you guys hanging out, I You got jealous.
And I wanted her to think that I was good friends with you, too.
Look, Dalia, if you wanna be friends with me, you don't have to be weird about it or force it.
I mean I can imagine one day us being friend-like.
Thanks, Tessa.
That means a lot to me.
Since you and I are so close now, will you do me a favor? Sure.
Will you not be friends with Jenna anymore? I can't believe the movie's sold out.
What else should we see? You know what? I'm rethinking the whole movie idea in general.
I can't stop picturing my metabolism just plummeting in there.
Can't we just go for a jog? You could sit on my back while I do push-ups.
I'm tired of sittin' on your damn back, George! You know, all this body conscious stuff is super unappealing.
And ever since it started, I can't help wishing you'd get hit by a car.
Really? Hit by a car? Well, I'm not proud of it, George, but that's how I feel.
You know what? I think you're just mad because the ladies are checking me out.
The ladies are checking you out because you're wearing a garbage bag.
Hey, you have nothing to be jealous of, sugar.
Should probably come up with a different nickname 'cause I'm flushing my intake.
Bye.
Be careful crossin'.
Or don't.
So how's the groove been now that Jenna's back? Her and Opus getting along? Opus lights up whenever she hey.
Are you trying to distract me with chitchat? I'm in my zone right now.
I will not be thrown from it! All right, that's fine, man, 'cause I'm in the zone, too.
All right? I'm in the exact same zone.
Frederick.
So when do they tell us what month we get? Oh! First, they make us work for it.
Let me see you work that sausage, George.
It's there for a reason.
Use it! Surf's up, Noah.
Surf's all the way up.
Oh, yeah! That is romance, Fred.
Oh, my heavens.
You are not shy.
All right, boys.
Now I just want you to have fun, okay? Get silly.
All right! Now come on.
Why don't you give me a little butt-to-butt? Come on.
Don't be shy.
Just a little butt-to-butt.
Don't worry.
These are just for me.
Yeah! Oh, that's fun.
Part of me is excited to get back, but part of me feels bad leaving Opus in the middle of all this divorce drama.
But what am I gonna do, right? I mean, the kid's gonna have issues.
Yeah.
I guess nobody gets out unscathed, right? Speaking of which, can I talk to you about Dalia Royce? I know this is gonna be hard to believe because of how she acts, but I think she still wants to be friends with you.
Yeah, but that never works.
It's always awkward trying to be friends with an ex.
What? Dalia and I used to hook up.
What?! Two thanksgivings ago was the first time.
It was more of a hate hook-up.
Say it.
Say it.
You go to Brown.
It happened a couple more times before I broke things off.
She's been a total head case ever since, sending me pictures of her weird little boyfriend.
Did you know she got his face tattooed on his crack? Above her crack, actually.
I was there.
Figures.
I knew when she saw me hanging out with you, she'd try to use you next.
She's the most vindictive person I know.
All she cares about is hurting the people who hurt her.
So just be careful around her.
Dalia and Jenna used to hook up? It was crazy, but also weirdly made sense.
Suddenly I understood Dalia's lesbian jokes for what they were a deflection.
Are you guys talking about me? Jenna told me.
Everything.
And I I just want you to know that there is no judgment.
Thanks, Tessa.
You're a true friend.
I'm really glad you feel that way.
And look, I've had some bad breakups, too.
I mean, who hasn't? But sometimes I think it's best to just move on.
I think you'll feel better Thanks, Tessa.
I know.
You really helped clear things up for me.
I really, really owe you one.
Yeah.
If I were you, I'd move.
So This is it.
This is it.
Moments from now, I'll know whether or not I'm too sexy for my shirt which I suspect I am not.
Well, you know, it's only 'cause it's a pretty sexy shirt.
Yeah.
Well, thank you.
It's rayon.
I'd like to thank all the dads for their help.
Because of you, we expect to have a record-breaking year for our charity, mothers against the defamation of undiluted apple juice.
What what that's the charity? Yeah.
Apple juice? This year's Decemberfold represents everything we look for at "Maduap" Sexiness, hunkability, and a belief in unrestrained fructose.
Get on with it! Let's see the man meat! Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the guy we wanna see two pages of George Altman! Hey! Aha! Well, thank you.
Yes! Thank you! Thanks! Oh, that look at that.
That's nice.
- Well done.
- Really great photo.
You did it, buddy.
Every man in Chatswin wants to be you.
Every woman in Chatswin wants to be with you.
Yeah.
Every woman except one.
Economists and business leaders from across the spectrum have said that our economy - Dallas? - Hey.
In 2013.
Uh, are you watching the news? Are you aware that we have a black president? I mean, I'm for it, but wow.
O okay.
Tell me you're kidding.
I'm kiddin'.
I'm not for it.
Kiddin'! Did you hear the other news? I heard it.
Decemberfold.
Congrats, George.
Shouldn't you be out celebratin' and baskin' in the limelight, sexy pants? You know what? I should.
But the problem is, the light I wanted to bask in wasn't at the country club.
Look what is the point of looking great and I do look great.
I wasn't fishing.
It's been confirmed.
But what's it all mean if it doesn't get you the attention of the woman who matters the most? You can be really sweet when you set your damn mind to it.
Hey, I'm sorry I said I wanted you to get hit by a car.
- I fully take that all the way back.
- Thanks.
Oh! Hey! You brought my favorite pie! Uh, actually, no.
This is for me.
I'm freaking starving.
That is good.
Are you gonna eat that whole thing by yourself? I was kinda planning on it, yeah.
Hello? Is anyone in here? Dalia and Mr.
Altman.
I know you think you saw something, but you didn't see anything.
I didn't see anything.
'Kay.
You should probably go now.
You should probably have somewhere to be.
Yeah.