The A-Team (1983) s02e19 Episode Script
Chopping Spree
NARRATOR: In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a miIitary court for a crime they didn't commit.
These men promptIy escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los AngeIes underground.
Today, stiII wanted by the government, they survive as soIdiers of fortune.
If you have a probIem, if no one eIse can heIp and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[Theme music.]
[Slow instrumental music.]
DAVEY: Hi.
DAVEY: Here you go.
Enjoy your lunch.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
Hey! This ain't your car.
[Car tyres screeching.]
[Sighs.]
Any trouble? Some jerk parking attendant decided he'd play hero.
You'd think it was his car.
DlRKSEN: [On phone.]
Mr.
FriendIy, it just came in.
FRlENDLY: All right, good.
Hold off on chopping it.
l have a buyer in Vegas who's waiting.
Now, there's an Alfa one of my sales people sold off the lot last week.
FRlENDLY: 316 South CabriIIo Drive.
Tell Payne and Simms l want it done by tomorrow night.
l'm shipping out a load of parts at the end of the week and I want it chopped and ready to go.
Right.
Hey, Tony! [Friendly laughing nervously.]
[Victor reading aloud.]
VlCTOR: The bum thinks that if he burns me they'll elect him mayor.
l'm only gonna get one chance at this guy.
Everything's got to be right.
Cops will never be able to tell it apart from the real thing.
They better not.
lt's my ticket in.
You got two days.
Hi, kid.
DAVEY: Hannibal.
DAVEY: Face, Murdock, B.
A.
, what.
Yeah, we heard about your trouble.
Thought we'd look into it.
l said, if you stole the car you'd be on a bus on your way to Florida.
DAVEY: Maybe l should be.
l don't have a job l got the cops hanging all over me and forget about getting a reference from my last employer.
Now, these guys who took the car, are they the same ones who stole the car before? Yeah, l think so.
What was it you and Donny said, B.
A.
? About when l get out of the stir how things were gonna turn around for me if l worked hard at it.
Yeah, well they sure did.
Look, Davey, don't go around feeling sorry for yourself.
Your brother, Donny, believed in me when l was a kid in trouble and now l believe in you.
HANNlBAL: B.
A.
's right.
You got a bad break.
We'll try and straighten it out.
Now, are these guys pros? These guys had a lot of practice.
Which means we're dealing with a professional operation here.
l don't know, Hannibal.
You know, we're supposed to be in Jidda, Saudi Arabia.
The prince is real anxious to get back those two wives of his that were kidnapped by the Bedouin sheik.
Also, he's wiring to our account one million riyals.
-That's nice.
-lsn't it? Hey, man, l don't want no riyals or reyals, whatever it is.
l want cash money.
Which, at the current rate of exchange comes to $430,000, thank you very much.
Right.
So we still have five days.
This is Murdock's gardening therapy.
He's getting back to his roots, so to speak.
Daddy Murdock is here with his magic growing powder and he's gonna make you grow up to be big and strong for.
Grow, B.
A.
, grow.
l don't need to grow, fool.
Face.
Get hold of Tawnia.
See what she's got on current auto theft rings.
Right, l'm on my way.
Davey.
Congratulations, kid.
You just hired the A-Team.
HANNlBAL: According to information Tawnia gave us there were nine car thefts in the last three months that could be our guys.
AII of them expensive cars ripped off restaurant parking Iots.
l marked down the locations.
lnteresting? FACE: Very.
B.
A.
, would you mind turning down the heat a little? The little guy's leaves are beginning to sweat.
Murdock, put the plant to bed.
We've got work to do.
You got a plan, Hannibal? Yeah, we're gonna cover the perimeter that these guys hit.
Hannibal, that's an awful lot of territory.
Well, not if you've got the right bait.
Oh, no.
Come on.
You can't do this to me, Hannibal.
Not my Corvette.
I just got it Simonised and tuned.
Well, l'll tell you, if we had another great-looking car but we don't.
These guys are probably working for a chop shop.
You know what they'll do to my car? I'II be Iooking for my fender in Detroit while some guy's buying my carburettor off a shelf in Kansas City.
Kansas City.
l don't think l ever been to Kansas City.
l'll park it myself.
Thanks.
[Keys rattling.]
You're doing it again, Face.
Didn't Hannibal say to leave your keys in the ignition? lt's one thing to park out here in Siberia, but to leave the keys? Try not to think about it.
-Enjoy lunch.
-Enjoy lunch.
l'm glad when we get lucky, man.
l'm tired of riding around looking at restaurants.
Patience, B.
A.
Everything comes to those who wait.
[Car engine starting.]
Face, if you're gonna jump every time you hear an engine you're gonna turn into a nervous wreck.
You're right.
And if l eat in any more restaurants, l'm gonna lose my figure.
This is the sixth lunch l've had in the last two days.
HANNlBAL: Looks like we might get lucky.
HANNlBAL: lt's going down.
Let's go.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
Going somewhere? Now, would you mind telling us what you're gonna do with that car? Hey, you know something? Wrong car.
That's my car.
[Car tyres screeching.]
Hey, man, he's taking my van! MURDOCK: B.
A.
, will you stop acting like a crybaby? Wait a minute.
[Car tires screeching.]
The little guy's in the van.
MURDOCK: They've got my plant! He's been plantnapped.
They'll probably cut off a leaf and send it to me to prove they've got him.
Hannibal, we got to do something! What happened? -Two guys.
They took it.
-Thank heavens! They took my Vette? -No, the van! -They took the van and the Vette? They took the van and not the Vette.
Hannibal and B.
A.
got in the Vette to go after the van.
And they took my plant.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
l'm gonna get them.
They got my van.
lf l don't get my ride back, l'm gonna be talking to you.
Relax, B.
A.
You think l'd let anything happen to your van? [Upbeat instrumental music continues.]
Don't worry, B.
A.
We'll get them.
B.
A.
: Man, l can't believe this is happening.
Nobody messes with my ride.
This wouldn't have happened if not for your so-called fast car that can't catch nothing when the chips are down.
All it is, is just a piece of junk you use to pick up the girls.
What do you want, B.
A.
? The tyre was shot out.
l want my van! Come on! Admit it.
You just don't like my car.
B.
A.
: You're right.
l admit it.
l don't like your car.
B.
A.
: And l ain't too crazy about you, either.
FACE: Yeah? MURDOCK: Typical 20th-Century unenlightened male conflict.
Both of you fighting over an inanimate object.
What's this crazy man talking about now? B.
A.
, somewhere out in this inhospitable, polarised world a little plant is shrieking for help.
lt's withering in the heat, alone.
lf we want the van or the plant, we better get moving.
DAVEY: You're right, Hannibal.
Chop shops don't waste any time.
l've seen cars hacked to pieces in 20 minutes.
Ruined.
What happens to what's left inside.
Never mind, l can't bear to hear it.
They're put into the oven.
Cooked alive, like little pork chops until they turn into tumbleweeds, then they roll away.
Where's the local chop operation around here? You used to boost cars.
HANNlBAL: Who's plugged in? DAVEY: l'll tell you.
l don't even know if this guy's around anymore, but if he is Tiny Roscoe has done business with just about everybody.
He used to run a cycle repair shop over on Pico.
He's a huge guy.
Gentlemen, we're gonna see Tiny Roscoe.
Who's Tiny Roscoe? [Metal clinking.]
-Who wants to know? -Me, fool! Me, too, sucker! [Fast-paced instrumental music.]
[Groans.]
[Grunts.]
A little nocturnal auto supply, Tiny? Some people paid some good money for this.
Unless, of course it came out of that chariot over there.
Look, you didn't even tell me what you want yet.
MURDOCK: Answers.
MURDOCK: We want answers! For instance how is it such a big guy is called Tiny? Answer that one, blimp-face.
l don't know nothing.
Yes, you do.
Who specialises in ripping off expensive cars from restaurant parking lots? l don't know, man.
lt's not my kind of action.
B.
A.
, would you give me a hand here? [Tiny groaning.]
Now.
Unless you see some future for yourself in being an omelette l suggest you speak up.
You're talking about major league stuff here.
l don't handle anything that big.
HANNlBAL: Who does? All right, look.
lt's just a rumour, but it's a rumour l heard a few times.
Tell us.
We're incurable gossips.
Friendly.
Sam Friendly.
lt sounds like his kind of chop operation.
The guy plays both ends.
He brings in stolen cars from out of state and then he sells them off his lot.
Buy a car from Mr.
Friendly, drive it around for a couple of weeks and then while you're taking the little lady to lunch.
He steals them back and chops them up for auto parts.
Kind of a circular poetry there.
Man does like to milk the cow, Hannibal.
lndeed.
l don't care about no cow, Hannibal, l want my van back.
And Murdock wants his plant.
-His what? -Shut up! Thanks, B.
A.
Thanks a lot-- Shut up, fool! Don't push your luck.
B.
A.
: Come on, we got things to do.
We've got to get out of here! -You see, l told-- -He's gone bonkers, Hannibal.
Personally, l think he's more concerned about my plant than he's admitted.
FACE: l don't think they're really gonna chop your plant.
l mean, what's to be gained, a salad? Of course, the van, that's another story.
We could safely assume that pretty quick it's gonna end up as a charm bracelet.
Gonna break some bones, man.
-Somebody got to pay.
-That's Friendly.
We'll go over to his place and see what we can dig up.
B.
A.
: All right, man.
As long as l find them dudes before they touch my ride.
[Motor buzzing.]
[Dirksen exclaiming.]
[Motor buzzing stops.]
But Sam, if we do that, all those other orders go into overtime.
Everything is dropped except the Victor job as of right now.
Security's gonna be extra tight and the cops will check everything.
The car has to be an exact duplicate, you understand? Look, do l do good work or not? Leave it for later.
We got to get that other job done first.
FRlENDLY: What do you think you're doing taking these people for a drive in my car? The Denvers? A lovely couple.
Been married 40 years.
Only had one argument.
FACE: lt was about meatloaf.
lsn't that something? [Stammering.]
Anyway, l just took them for a spin in the chariot of their dreams.
Sort of helped them make up their mind, l think.
Hey, Jack.
Get this flake out of here.
Wait a minute.
Now, tossing out the best salesman you ever had before he gets a chance to close the deal.
You must have money to burn, Mr.
Friendly.
ClNDY: Sam.
Those folks are gonna take that sedan.
Who do you want me to write this up for? Look, give me a week, huh? l'll be out selling every plaid coat you got standing around on this lot.
-A week? -Right.
You got a day, big shot.
Coat not included.
Now l know why they call him Mr.
Friendly.
Thanks.
[Cheerful instrumental music.]
What do you think? HANNlBAL: l won't be long.
But do kill the pistons, would you? Keep your eyes peeled.
l need my van.
See anything you like? Hannibal, this is disgusting.
Me selling used cars.
You know what that does to the self-esteem of an artist like myself? Poor chap.
Sales not going well? Not going well? l had to slow down so half the stiffs around here don't think my customers are setups.
By the way, Roscoe was right about FriendIy.
Half the cars around here don't have papers on them.
[ln British accent.]
l need a dozen stretch limos.
Six bIack, six siIver.
Loaded.
As you Americans wouId caII wall-to-wall, bossa nova.
A dozen stretch limousines? Yes.
You see, l'm promoting this rock concert at the stadium on Tuesday.
Heavy metal, light metal, every metal.
l don't see anything, though.
l do hope you chaps can help me.
l mean, this concert is going to be a gigantic happening! You understand? We like to think we can handle any order.
-Sam Friendly.
-Call me Johnny B.
l do hope you can help me, dear boy.
l haven't got all day.
Just cut a master disc.
Extremely valuable, you understand? As a matter of fact, perhaps we could tuck it in your safe while we ink the pact.
As you probably know, piracy is killing business.
You do hear Cashbox and Billboard out here, don't you? Mr.
Peck, you know where the safe is.
Be careful.
Now, Johnny B.
What l don't have on my lot here l can always get.
HANNlBAL: Good.
FRlENDLY: lt may take a few weeks but l don't see any problems getting them.
Excellent.
Shall we say $50,000? HANNlBAL: As a deposit, dear boy.
As a deposit.
Perfect.
FACE: Johnny B.
is ready for his attaché case.
Sure.
FACE: Thanks.
ClNDY: My pleasure.
FACE: Here you go, Johnny.
Thank you, dear boy.
lt's been a real pleasure, sir.
Sammy.
l shall call you in two days.
And do get in touch with my secretary.
l'll leave half a dozen tickets for backstage at the concert.
Just tell her Johnny B.
said it was okay and doors will open.
You know what l mean.
Well? No van.
Step on it.
Face wiII caII us as soon as he gets off.
You know, B.
A.
, your gold looks really good on me.
No, it don't.
Man, l never thought l'd get a coffee break.
Did you get it? HANNlBAL: Play it at a slow speed, Face.
You'll hear the tumblers.
Can you do it later? Yeah, l'm working late.
FACE: How you doing, big guy? We should have taken that job in Saudi Arabia.
Then all we'd have to worry about are camels.
[B.
A.
growling.]
-Cindy, hi.
-Hi.
l have a copy of a loan agreement l'd like you to put on file.
Oh, sure.
Just leave it on my desk.
Thanks.
[Clicking on tape.]
FACE: Five eight three.
l hope you don't mind.
l was just looking at the cars in the photograph.
ClNDY: Yeah, well, Mr.
Friendly likes expensive cars.
l've been wanting to do that from the moment l first met you.
Looks like we've got a lot in common.
-Really? -Pumpkin.
Did you get what you were looking for? l know what you're thinking.
Look, l can explain everything.
See it's.
lt's one of those foolish, crazy things you always read about.
Take him out back.
[Face exclaims.]
My chiropractor is gonna love this.
Want to tell me why l find you in my office with my lady in under 10 words? Your lady? Cindy's your lady? Hey, l didn't know.
You know what l do with guys l find messing with Cindy? Believe me, if l knew Cindy was your lady l never would've even looked at her.
The last thing l want is to get caught messing with the boss's girl.
Oh, no.
You wouldn't want to put your best salesman in the hospital, would you? [Slow instrumental music.]
FRlENDLY: Yeah? -Problem? -Well, l don't know.
lt could be.
He says his daughter's been begging him for a Porsche.
Brand new, all the extras, including a vanity mirror.
[Laughing.]
The kid's serious.
On top of 1 2 limos, he wants a Porsche now? [Friendly laughing.]
FRlENDLY: lncredible.
This guy's a walking Christmas morning.
[Clears throat.]
Hey, talk about luck, huh? This guy's gonna make our year in a single day.
You tell him his troubles are over.
We'll have it for him quicker than he can say speed trap.
Speed trap.
Right.
-See anything? -No.
All l see is a crazy man asking me a stupid question.
l know you're upset, B.
A.
l mean, it's especially understandable to someone like me who's experiencing his own personal sorrow and despair but check it out, man.
Best way to deal with this is not to think of the source of pain as such.
Just clear it out of your mind, totally.
Just like one of them little fizzies that you drop in a glass of water, you know? Want a bite? Chopped liver.
lt's beautiful, Face, the way you Photostatted old Sam's schedule before we got there in the limo.
Well, thanks, Hannibal.
l do my best.
HANNlBAL: How come he punched you in the eye but he didn't fire you? He may be mad but he's not stupid.
l sell a lot of cars.
According to this schedule, there should be a truck arriving any minute.
-Full of hot cars.
-l'm gonna enjoy this one.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
B.
A.
: The trucks are coming.
[Car engine starts.]
Now, climb down nice and easy.
Probably doesn't even have a permit, right? l want you to give your boss, Friendly a message.
Tell him he ran into mechanical difficulty.
l suggest he retires and watch out for guys like us.
Let's go, Murdock.
Nobody muscles my action and rips me off.
Listen l want those jokers found and put on ice permanently.
And don't stop working on that project.
Your deadline is in a couple of hours, Dirksen.
Mr.
Friendly, Johnny B.
's here for his Porsche.
lt ain't here.
Tell him it ain't here.
But he's gonna-- What do you want me to do, give birth to it? lt's not here! FACE: Yeah, but l'll tell you-- FRlENDLY: Now, listen.
You're such a terrific salesman and everything.
You want a promotion? You want a raise? You go out there and you get him to wait.
But.
l'm real sorry.
lt's gonna take another couple of days.
HANNlBAL: No Porsche, no deal.
Got a problem.
Johnny says this junks the deal.
FACE: lf he doesn't get a Porsche by this afternoon.
l got those cars on order already.
Believe me, l really feel bad for you.
But the guy kept staring at me through those jazzy music business sunglasses, you know? FACE: Kept telling me that he places a lot of value on a man being as good as his word.
FACE: Now, frankly, l really don't think there's much l can do.
All right, just wait here for me.
DlRKSEN: Yeah, it's here, Sam, but you're making a mistake.
DlRKSEN: lt just got off the street three, four days ago.
FRlENDLY: I know where it's been, jerk.
Is it road-ready? Yeah.
Nothing wrong with it.
Good.
Get it ready, polish it.
FRlENDLY: MuffIe the noises, gIue it together, the whoIe mess.
CoupIe of days we can pick it up and fence it out of town.
DlRKSEN: Your baII game, Sammy.
Thank you and hey call me that name again and l'll cut your face off and sew it on upside down.
[Tapping on car door.]
FRlENDLY: Hey, Johnny B.
Listen, l'm really sorry about this misunderstanding.
We've got your car.
lt's gonna be here in just a little bit.
How about this? Listen.
l hate guys that punch me in the eye.
You're gonna take us to see your friend Dirksen.
HANNlBAL: And off the subject, you really ought to change your name.
Friendly? l mean, that's ridiculous.
Get in.
FRlENDLY: All right.
How'd you guys know about Dirksen? We got him, B.
A.
We'll be right there to pick you up.
B.
A.
: Move it, fooI! I want my van back.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
Mr.
Friendly, l've decided to give you my notice.
You know how it is.
l just feel we haven't been getting along very well lately.
Okay, Murdock's in place to cover us.
We're ready.
Let him through.
FACE: Move! HANNlBAL: All right, boys.
Your chopping days are over.
B.
A.
: You're a very lucky man.
l could have been real mad.
Really mad.
But as it stands, l'm in a pretty good mood.
[Friendly grunts.]
VlCTOR: Drop the pieces! FACE: Oh, boy.
Wish l was sunning on the banks of the Nile right now.
These clowns thought they could muscle into our operation, Mr.
V.
Ripped off today's shipment and tried to close us down.
And it looks like they were doing a pretty good job of it.
What about our other project? Any trouble? HANNlBAL: Mr.
V.
Mr.
Tony Victor.
Up for a grand jury inquiry pretty soon, huh? Tax evasion? You know.
That's way big Al got it, Tony baby.
VlCTOR: You got quite a mouth, pal.
Maybe l ought to do something about that.
l owe these guys.
VlCTOR: Yeah, sure.
Why not.
Retire them with flowers.
Okay, put on the uniforms.
[Tense instrumental music.]
Flowers.
MURDOCK: l don't know what my wife did to it.
MURDOCK: l don't know nothing about cars.
l sure am glad you came for it.
MURDOCK: Boy, l'm just a dummy when it comes to mechanics.
MURDOCK: Whatever you can do, l'd be real grateful.
[Engine revving.]
Check that oil while you're at it.
[Rifle clicking.]
l don't like being late for funerals.
We don't have much time.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
[Car engine starting.]
Okay.
You guys wanted to see my other operation so bad.
We're gonna show you.
[Slow instrumental music.]
All right, hold it right there.
FRlENDLY: Now, before we drop your blood pressure, boys l want to know who you work for and why you're here.
lf you want us to tell you what you need to know before you bury us you've been eating too many nut rolls, fellow.
You must be watching too many old Cagney films.
l said talk! Or what, you'll kill us? [Car horn honking.]
Tell them we're closed.
[Car horn honking continues.]
DlRKSEN: We're closed, buddy.
Oh, shoot! lsn't it the case, man? MURDOCK: Every time l want something this place is closed.
lt's enough to make a guy feel paranoid.
[Dramatic instrumental music.]
All right, drop the hog irons, pilgrims.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
Well, look what we've done.
Look what we've done, and look what l found.
Now, where's my plant? Has anybody seen my plant? Murdock, it's in the van, nice and safe.
lt's a good thing.
l don't know what l'd have done if they hurt the little fellow.
l'm gonna use your body as my car bumper.
When l get finished with your boss, Mr.
Un-Friendly, l'm gonna take care of you.
What we want to know is, what is Tony Victor up to? -You talking about the gangster? -Yeah.
Him and two of his hoods dressed as cops pulled out of here in a squad car.
He said something about not wanting to miss a funeral.
The question is, whose funeral? And why go as cops? Remember Tawnia telling us that Judge Holloway died last week? That was the judge that was sitting on Victor's grand jury.
Holloway's funeral's today and the DA who's coming hard down on Victor is gonna be there.
Victor's not crazy enough to try and take out a DA at the judge's funeral.
You're right, he's crazy enough.
l think we better pay our respects to the dearly departed before there's a whole lot more of them.
Face look at that old hearse over there.
What a great way for four wanted guys to get into a funeraI fuII of cops.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Buzzing.]
[Drill whirring.]
[Motor whirring.]
Nice day for a funeral.
Hey, l don't like cemeteries.
lt's too quiet.
lt won't be for long.
Judge HoIIoway's services shouId be up there, with that group.
There they are.
VlCTOR: lt's those guys at Dirksen's.
[Tense instrumental music.]
[Police siren wailing.]
[Gunshots.]
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Police siren wailing.]
Colonel, we got company! FACE: Now, that's gratitude for you.
HANNlBAL: Yeah, but it was a terrific funeral.
COP: Hey, what do you know, we just nailed Tony Victor.
DAVEY: Thank you, guys for helping me.
HANNlBAL: lt was a pleasure.
It makes my day when we put guys Iike Tony V.
and FriendIy in the sIammer.
Yeah, l wouldn't want to buy no used car from that fool.
Now, you get it together.
You don't have to worry about that, B.
A.
Looks like it's time to say our farewells.
TAWNlA: Aren't you coming, B.
A.
? B.
A.
: Are you joking? l don't say goodbye to no plants.
Hannibal, we had such good times together, you know? Captain, we all have to go out on our own sometimes.
l know.
[Sniffs.]
The little guy's gonna be all right, Murdock.
He's got plenty of fresh air, sunshine, nice view.
Thanks, Face.
l'll stop by on my way home from work and look in on him.
Appreciate that.
Well l promise you l'll come back to see you every year.
Don't you laugh at me now.
We'll just sit out under that old warm sun, you and me together and we'll, you know.
WeII, you be good, now.
And l want you to be nice to dogs that pass by in the night, okay.
[Sentimental instrumental music.]
MURDOCK: Hey, B.
A don't you want to go say goodbye to the little guy? l don't talk to no plants, sucker.
But he's almost a member of the team.
He used to watch over the van when it was afraid and alone.
Like l said, crazy man, l don't talk to no plants.
Can't you go over and say, see you? [Theme music.]
These men promptIy escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los AngeIes underground.
Today, stiII wanted by the government, they survive as soIdiers of fortune.
If you have a probIem, if no one eIse can heIp and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[Theme music.]
[Slow instrumental music.]
DAVEY: Hi.
DAVEY: Here you go.
Enjoy your lunch.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
Hey! This ain't your car.
[Car tyres screeching.]
[Sighs.]
Any trouble? Some jerk parking attendant decided he'd play hero.
You'd think it was his car.
DlRKSEN: [On phone.]
Mr.
FriendIy, it just came in.
FRlENDLY: All right, good.
Hold off on chopping it.
l have a buyer in Vegas who's waiting.
Now, there's an Alfa one of my sales people sold off the lot last week.
FRlENDLY: 316 South CabriIIo Drive.
Tell Payne and Simms l want it done by tomorrow night.
l'm shipping out a load of parts at the end of the week and I want it chopped and ready to go.
Right.
Hey, Tony! [Friendly laughing nervously.]
[Victor reading aloud.]
VlCTOR: The bum thinks that if he burns me they'll elect him mayor.
l'm only gonna get one chance at this guy.
Everything's got to be right.
Cops will never be able to tell it apart from the real thing.
They better not.
lt's my ticket in.
You got two days.
Hi, kid.
DAVEY: Hannibal.
DAVEY: Face, Murdock, B.
A.
, what.
Yeah, we heard about your trouble.
Thought we'd look into it.
l said, if you stole the car you'd be on a bus on your way to Florida.
DAVEY: Maybe l should be.
l don't have a job l got the cops hanging all over me and forget about getting a reference from my last employer.
Now, these guys who took the car, are they the same ones who stole the car before? Yeah, l think so.
What was it you and Donny said, B.
A.
? About when l get out of the stir how things were gonna turn around for me if l worked hard at it.
Yeah, well they sure did.
Look, Davey, don't go around feeling sorry for yourself.
Your brother, Donny, believed in me when l was a kid in trouble and now l believe in you.
HANNlBAL: B.
A.
's right.
You got a bad break.
We'll try and straighten it out.
Now, are these guys pros? These guys had a lot of practice.
Which means we're dealing with a professional operation here.
l don't know, Hannibal.
You know, we're supposed to be in Jidda, Saudi Arabia.
The prince is real anxious to get back those two wives of his that were kidnapped by the Bedouin sheik.
Also, he's wiring to our account one million riyals.
-That's nice.
-lsn't it? Hey, man, l don't want no riyals or reyals, whatever it is.
l want cash money.
Which, at the current rate of exchange comes to $430,000, thank you very much.
Right.
So we still have five days.
This is Murdock's gardening therapy.
He's getting back to his roots, so to speak.
Daddy Murdock is here with his magic growing powder and he's gonna make you grow up to be big and strong for.
Grow, B.
A.
, grow.
l don't need to grow, fool.
Face.
Get hold of Tawnia.
See what she's got on current auto theft rings.
Right, l'm on my way.
Davey.
Congratulations, kid.
You just hired the A-Team.
HANNlBAL: According to information Tawnia gave us there were nine car thefts in the last three months that could be our guys.
AII of them expensive cars ripped off restaurant parking Iots.
l marked down the locations.
lnteresting? FACE: Very.
B.
A.
, would you mind turning down the heat a little? The little guy's leaves are beginning to sweat.
Murdock, put the plant to bed.
We've got work to do.
You got a plan, Hannibal? Yeah, we're gonna cover the perimeter that these guys hit.
Hannibal, that's an awful lot of territory.
Well, not if you've got the right bait.
Oh, no.
Come on.
You can't do this to me, Hannibal.
Not my Corvette.
I just got it Simonised and tuned.
Well, l'll tell you, if we had another great-looking car but we don't.
These guys are probably working for a chop shop.
You know what they'll do to my car? I'II be Iooking for my fender in Detroit while some guy's buying my carburettor off a shelf in Kansas City.
Kansas City.
l don't think l ever been to Kansas City.
l'll park it myself.
Thanks.
[Keys rattling.]
You're doing it again, Face.
Didn't Hannibal say to leave your keys in the ignition? lt's one thing to park out here in Siberia, but to leave the keys? Try not to think about it.
-Enjoy lunch.
-Enjoy lunch.
l'm glad when we get lucky, man.
l'm tired of riding around looking at restaurants.
Patience, B.
A.
Everything comes to those who wait.
[Car engine starting.]
Face, if you're gonna jump every time you hear an engine you're gonna turn into a nervous wreck.
You're right.
And if l eat in any more restaurants, l'm gonna lose my figure.
This is the sixth lunch l've had in the last two days.
HANNlBAL: Looks like we might get lucky.
HANNlBAL: lt's going down.
Let's go.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
Going somewhere? Now, would you mind telling us what you're gonna do with that car? Hey, you know something? Wrong car.
That's my car.
[Car tyres screeching.]
Hey, man, he's taking my van! MURDOCK: B.
A.
, will you stop acting like a crybaby? Wait a minute.
[Car tires screeching.]
The little guy's in the van.
MURDOCK: They've got my plant! He's been plantnapped.
They'll probably cut off a leaf and send it to me to prove they've got him.
Hannibal, we got to do something! What happened? -Two guys.
They took it.
-Thank heavens! They took my Vette? -No, the van! -They took the van and the Vette? They took the van and not the Vette.
Hannibal and B.
A.
got in the Vette to go after the van.
And they took my plant.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
l'm gonna get them.
They got my van.
lf l don't get my ride back, l'm gonna be talking to you.
Relax, B.
A.
You think l'd let anything happen to your van? [Upbeat instrumental music continues.]
Don't worry, B.
A.
We'll get them.
B.
A.
: Man, l can't believe this is happening.
Nobody messes with my ride.
This wouldn't have happened if not for your so-called fast car that can't catch nothing when the chips are down.
All it is, is just a piece of junk you use to pick up the girls.
What do you want, B.
A.
? The tyre was shot out.
l want my van! Come on! Admit it.
You just don't like my car.
B.
A.
: You're right.
l admit it.
l don't like your car.
B.
A.
: And l ain't too crazy about you, either.
FACE: Yeah? MURDOCK: Typical 20th-Century unenlightened male conflict.
Both of you fighting over an inanimate object.
What's this crazy man talking about now? B.
A.
, somewhere out in this inhospitable, polarised world a little plant is shrieking for help.
lt's withering in the heat, alone.
lf we want the van or the plant, we better get moving.
DAVEY: You're right, Hannibal.
Chop shops don't waste any time.
l've seen cars hacked to pieces in 20 minutes.
Ruined.
What happens to what's left inside.
Never mind, l can't bear to hear it.
They're put into the oven.
Cooked alive, like little pork chops until they turn into tumbleweeds, then they roll away.
Where's the local chop operation around here? You used to boost cars.
HANNlBAL: Who's plugged in? DAVEY: l'll tell you.
l don't even know if this guy's around anymore, but if he is Tiny Roscoe has done business with just about everybody.
He used to run a cycle repair shop over on Pico.
He's a huge guy.
Gentlemen, we're gonna see Tiny Roscoe.
Who's Tiny Roscoe? [Metal clinking.]
-Who wants to know? -Me, fool! Me, too, sucker! [Fast-paced instrumental music.]
[Groans.]
[Grunts.]
A little nocturnal auto supply, Tiny? Some people paid some good money for this.
Unless, of course it came out of that chariot over there.
Look, you didn't even tell me what you want yet.
MURDOCK: Answers.
MURDOCK: We want answers! For instance how is it such a big guy is called Tiny? Answer that one, blimp-face.
l don't know nothing.
Yes, you do.
Who specialises in ripping off expensive cars from restaurant parking lots? l don't know, man.
lt's not my kind of action.
B.
A.
, would you give me a hand here? [Tiny groaning.]
Now.
Unless you see some future for yourself in being an omelette l suggest you speak up.
You're talking about major league stuff here.
l don't handle anything that big.
HANNlBAL: Who does? All right, look.
lt's just a rumour, but it's a rumour l heard a few times.
Tell us.
We're incurable gossips.
Friendly.
Sam Friendly.
lt sounds like his kind of chop operation.
The guy plays both ends.
He brings in stolen cars from out of state and then he sells them off his lot.
Buy a car from Mr.
Friendly, drive it around for a couple of weeks and then while you're taking the little lady to lunch.
He steals them back and chops them up for auto parts.
Kind of a circular poetry there.
Man does like to milk the cow, Hannibal.
lndeed.
l don't care about no cow, Hannibal, l want my van back.
And Murdock wants his plant.
-His what? -Shut up! Thanks, B.
A.
Thanks a lot-- Shut up, fool! Don't push your luck.
B.
A.
: Come on, we got things to do.
We've got to get out of here! -You see, l told-- -He's gone bonkers, Hannibal.
Personally, l think he's more concerned about my plant than he's admitted.
FACE: l don't think they're really gonna chop your plant.
l mean, what's to be gained, a salad? Of course, the van, that's another story.
We could safely assume that pretty quick it's gonna end up as a charm bracelet.
Gonna break some bones, man.
-Somebody got to pay.
-That's Friendly.
We'll go over to his place and see what we can dig up.
B.
A.
: All right, man.
As long as l find them dudes before they touch my ride.
[Motor buzzing.]
[Dirksen exclaiming.]
[Motor buzzing stops.]
But Sam, if we do that, all those other orders go into overtime.
Everything is dropped except the Victor job as of right now.
Security's gonna be extra tight and the cops will check everything.
The car has to be an exact duplicate, you understand? Look, do l do good work or not? Leave it for later.
We got to get that other job done first.
FRlENDLY: What do you think you're doing taking these people for a drive in my car? The Denvers? A lovely couple.
Been married 40 years.
Only had one argument.
FACE: lt was about meatloaf.
lsn't that something? [Stammering.]
Anyway, l just took them for a spin in the chariot of their dreams.
Sort of helped them make up their mind, l think.
Hey, Jack.
Get this flake out of here.
Wait a minute.
Now, tossing out the best salesman you ever had before he gets a chance to close the deal.
You must have money to burn, Mr.
Friendly.
ClNDY: Sam.
Those folks are gonna take that sedan.
Who do you want me to write this up for? Look, give me a week, huh? l'll be out selling every plaid coat you got standing around on this lot.
-A week? -Right.
You got a day, big shot.
Coat not included.
Now l know why they call him Mr.
Friendly.
Thanks.
[Cheerful instrumental music.]
What do you think? HANNlBAL: l won't be long.
But do kill the pistons, would you? Keep your eyes peeled.
l need my van.
See anything you like? Hannibal, this is disgusting.
Me selling used cars.
You know what that does to the self-esteem of an artist like myself? Poor chap.
Sales not going well? Not going well? l had to slow down so half the stiffs around here don't think my customers are setups.
By the way, Roscoe was right about FriendIy.
Half the cars around here don't have papers on them.
[ln British accent.]
l need a dozen stretch limos.
Six bIack, six siIver.
Loaded.
As you Americans wouId caII wall-to-wall, bossa nova.
A dozen stretch limousines? Yes.
You see, l'm promoting this rock concert at the stadium on Tuesday.
Heavy metal, light metal, every metal.
l don't see anything, though.
l do hope you chaps can help me.
l mean, this concert is going to be a gigantic happening! You understand? We like to think we can handle any order.
-Sam Friendly.
-Call me Johnny B.
l do hope you can help me, dear boy.
l haven't got all day.
Just cut a master disc.
Extremely valuable, you understand? As a matter of fact, perhaps we could tuck it in your safe while we ink the pact.
As you probably know, piracy is killing business.
You do hear Cashbox and Billboard out here, don't you? Mr.
Peck, you know where the safe is.
Be careful.
Now, Johnny B.
What l don't have on my lot here l can always get.
HANNlBAL: Good.
FRlENDLY: lt may take a few weeks but l don't see any problems getting them.
Excellent.
Shall we say $50,000? HANNlBAL: As a deposit, dear boy.
As a deposit.
Perfect.
FACE: Johnny B.
is ready for his attaché case.
Sure.
FACE: Thanks.
ClNDY: My pleasure.
FACE: Here you go, Johnny.
Thank you, dear boy.
lt's been a real pleasure, sir.
Sammy.
l shall call you in two days.
And do get in touch with my secretary.
l'll leave half a dozen tickets for backstage at the concert.
Just tell her Johnny B.
said it was okay and doors will open.
You know what l mean.
Well? No van.
Step on it.
Face wiII caII us as soon as he gets off.
You know, B.
A.
, your gold looks really good on me.
No, it don't.
Man, l never thought l'd get a coffee break.
Did you get it? HANNlBAL: Play it at a slow speed, Face.
You'll hear the tumblers.
Can you do it later? Yeah, l'm working late.
FACE: How you doing, big guy? We should have taken that job in Saudi Arabia.
Then all we'd have to worry about are camels.
[B.
A.
growling.]
-Cindy, hi.
-Hi.
l have a copy of a loan agreement l'd like you to put on file.
Oh, sure.
Just leave it on my desk.
Thanks.
[Clicking on tape.]
FACE: Five eight three.
l hope you don't mind.
l was just looking at the cars in the photograph.
ClNDY: Yeah, well, Mr.
Friendly likes expensive cars.
l've been wanting to do that from the moment l first met you.
Looks like we've got a lot in common.
-Really? -Pumpkin.
Did you get what you were looking for? l know what you're thinking.
Look, l can explain everything.
See it's.
lt's one of those foolish, crazy things you always read about.
Take him out back.
[Face exclaims.]
My chiropractor is gonna love this.
Want to tell me why l find you in my office with my lady in under 10 words? Your lady? Cindy's your lady? Hey, l didn't know.
You know what l do with guys l find messing with Cindy? Believe me, if l knew Cindy was your lady l never would've even looked at her.
The last thing l want is to get caught messing with the boss's girl.
Oh, no.
You wouldn't want to put your best salesman in the hospital, would you? [Slow instrumental music.]
FRlENDLY: Yeah? -Problem? -Well, l don't know.
lt could be.
He says his daughter's been begging him for a Porsche.
Brand new, all the extras, including a vanity mirror.
[Laughing.]
The kid's serious.
On top of 1 2 limos, he wants a Porsche now? [Friendly laughing.]
FRlENDLY: lncredible.
This guy's a walking Christmas morning.
[Clears throat.]
Hey, talk about luck, huh? This guy's gonna make our year in a single day.
You tell him his troubles are over.
We'll have it for him quicker than he can say speed trap.
Speed trap.
Right.
-See anything? -No.
All l see is a crazy man asking me a stupid question.
l know you're upset, B.
A.
l mean, it's especially understandable to someone like me who's experiencing his own personal sorrow and despair but check it out, man.
Best way to deal with this is not to think of the source of pain as such.
Just clear it out of your mind, totally.
Just like one of them little fizzies that you drop in a glass of water, you know? Want a bite? Chopped liver.
lt's beautiful, Face, the way you Photostatted old Sam's schedule before we got there in the limo.
Well, thanks, Hannibal.
l do my best.
HANNlBAL: How come he punched you in the eye but he didn't fire you? He may be mad but he's not stupid.
l sell a lot of cars.
According to this schedule, there should be a truck arriving any minute.
-Full of hot cars.
-l'm gonna enjoy this one.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
B.
A.
: The trucks are coming.
[Car engine starts.]
Now, climb down nice and easy.
Probably doesn't even have a permit, right? l want you to give your boss, Friendly a message.
Tell him he ran into mechanical difficulty.
l suggest he retires and watch out for guys like us.
Let's go, Murdock.
Nobody muscles my action and rips me off.
Listen l want those jokers found and put on ice permanently.
And don't stop working on that project.
Your deadline is in a couple of hours, Dirksen.
Mr.
Friendly, Johnny B.
's here for his Porsche.
lt ain't here.
Tell him it ain't here.
But he's gonna-- What do you want me to do, give birth to it? lt's not here! FACE: Yeah, but l'll tell you-- FRlENDLY: Now, listen.
You're such a terrific salesman and everything.
You want a promotion? You want a raise? You go out there and you get him to wait.
But.
l'm real sorry.
lt's gonna take another couple of days.
HANNlBAL: No Porsche, no deal.
Got a problem.
Johnny says this junks the deal.
FACE: lf he doesn't get a Porsche by this afternoon.
l got those cars on order already.
Believe me, l really feel bad for you.
But the guy kept staring at me through those jazzy music business sunglasses, you know? FACE: Kept telling me that he places a lot of value on a man being as good as his word.
FACE: Now, frankly, l really don't think there's much l can do.
All right, just wait here for me.
DlRKSEN: Yeah, it's here, Sam, but you're making a mistake.
DlRKSEN: lt just got off the street three, four days ago.
FRlENDLY: I know where it's been, jerk.
Is it road-ready? Yeah.
Nothing wrong with it.
Good.
Get it ready, polish it.
FRlENDLY: MuffIe the noises, gIue it together, the whoIe mess.
CoupIe of days we can pick it up and fence it out of town.
DlRKSEN: Your baII game, Sammy.
Thank you and hey call me that name again and l'll cut your face off and sew it on upside down.
[Tapping on car door.]
FRlENDLY: Hey, Johnny B.
Listen, l'm really sorry about this misunderstanding.
We've got your car.
lt's gonna be here in just a little bit.
How about this? Listen.
l hate guys that punch me in the eye.
You're gonna take us to see your friend Dirksen.
HANNlBAL: And off the subject, you really ought to change your name.
Friendly? l mean, that's ridiculous.
Get in.
FRlENDLY: All right.
How'd you guys know about Dirksen? We got him, B.
A.
We'll be right there to pick you up.
B.
A.
: Move it, fooI! I want my van back.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
Mr.
Friendly, l've decided to give you my notice.
You know how it is.
l just feel we haven't been getting along very well lately.
Okay, Murdock's in place to cover us.
We're ready.
Let him through.
FACE: Move! HANNlBAL: All right, boys.
Your chopping days are over.
B.
A.
: You're a very lucky man.
l could have been real mad.
Really mad.
But as it stands, l'm in a pretty good mood.
[Friendly grunts.]
VlCTOR: Drop the pieces! FACE: Oh, boy.
Wish l was sunning on the banks of the Nile right now.
These clowns thought they could muscle into our operation, Mr.
V.
Ripped off today's shipment and tried to close us down.
And it looks like they were doing a pretty good job of it.
What about our other project? Any trouble? HANNlBAL: Mr.
V.
Mr.
Tony Victor.
Up for a grand jury inquiry pretty soon, huh? Tax evasion? You know.
That's way big Al got it, Tony baby.
VlCTOR: You got quite a mouth, pal.
Maybe l ought to do something about that.
l owe these guys.
VlCTOR: Yeah, sure.
Why not.
Retire them with flowers.
Okay, put on the uniforms.
[Tense instrumental music.]
Flowers.
MURDOCK: l don't know what my wife did to it.
MURDOCK: l don't know nothing about cars.
l sure am glad you came for it.
MURDOCK: Boy, l'm just a dummy when it comes to mechanics.
MURDOCK: Whatever you can do, l'd be real grateful.
[Engine revving.]
Check that oil while you're at it.
[Rifle clicking.]
l don't like being late for funerals.
We don't have much time.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
[Car engine starting.]
Okay.
You guys wanted to see my other operation so bad.
We're gonna show you.
[Slow instrumental music.]
All right, hold it right there.
FRlENDLY: Now, before we drop your blood pressure, boys l want to know who you work for and why you're here.
lf you want us to tell you what you need to know before you bury us you've been eating too many nut rolls, fellow.
You must be watching too many old Cagney films.
l said talk! Or what, you'll kill us? [Car horn honking.]
Tell them we're closed.
[Car horn honking continues.]
DlRKSEN: We're closed, buddy.
Oh, shoot! lsn't it the case, man? MURDOCK: Every time l want something this place is closed.
lt's enough to make a guy feel paranoid.
[Dramatic instrumental music.]
All right, drop the hog irons, pilgrims.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
Well, look what we've done.
Look what we've done, and look what l found.
Now, where's my plant? Has anybody seen my plant? Murdock, it's in the van, nice and safe.
lt's a good thing.
l don't know what l'd have done if they hurt the little fellow.
l'm gonna use your body as my car bumper.
When l get finished with your boss, Mr.
Un-Friendly, l'm gonna take care of you.
What we want to know is, what is Tony Victor up to? -You talking about the gangster? -Yeah.
Him and two of his hoods dressed as cops pulled out of here in a squad car.
He said something about not wanting to miss a funeral.
The question is, whose funeral? And why go as cops? Remember Tawnia telling us that Judge Holloway died last week? That was the judge that was sitting on Victor's grand jury.
Holloway's funeral's today and the DA who's coming hard down on Victor is gonna be there.
Victor's not crazy enough to try and take out a DA at the judge's funeral.
You're right, he's crazy enough.
l think we better pay our respects to the dearly departed before there's a whole lot more of them.
Face look at that old hearse over there.
What a great way for four wanted guys to get into a funeraI fuII of cops.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Buzzing.]
[Drill whirring.]
[Motor whirring.]
Nice day for a funeral.
Hey, l don't like cemeteries.
lt's too quiet.
lt won't be for long.
Judge HoIIoway's services shouId be up there, with that group.
There they are.
VlCTOR: lt's those guys at Dirksen's.
[Tense instrumental music.]
[Police siren wailing.]
[Gunshots.]
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Police siren wailing.]
Colonel, we got company! FACE: Now, that's gratitude for you.
HANNlBAL: Yeah, but it was a terrific funeral.
COP: Hey, what do you know, we just nailed Tony Victor.
DAVEY: Thank you, guys for helping me.
HANNlBAL: lt was a pleasure.
It makes my day when we put guys Iike Tony V.
and FriendIy in the sIammer.
Yeah, l wouldn't want to buy no used car from that fool.
Now, you get it together.
You don't have to worry about that, B.
A.
Looks like it's time to say our farewells.
TAWNlA: Aren't you coming, B.
A.
? B.
A.
: Are you joking? l don't say goodbye to no plants.
Hannibal, we had such good times together, you know? Captain, we all have to go out on our own sometimes.
l know.
[Sniffs.]
The little guy's gonna be all right, Murdock.
He's got plenty of fresh air, sunshine, nice view.
Thanks, Face.
l'll stop by on my way home from work and look in on him.
Appreciate that.
Well l promise you l'll come back to see you every year.
Don't you laugh at me now.
We'll just sit out under that old warm sun, you and me together and we'll, you know.
WeII, you be good, now.
And l want you to be nice to dogs that pass by in the night, okay.
[Sentimental instrumental music.]
MURDOCK: Hey, B.
A don't you want to go say goodbye to the little guy? l don't talk to no plants, sucker.
But he's almost a member of the team.
He used to watch over the van when it was afraid and alone.
Like l said, crazy man, l don't talk to no plants.
Can't you go over and say, see you? [Theme music.]