The Addams Family (1964) s02e19 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family There's nothing more romantic than a dark, chill attic in a thunderstorm.
We spent some of our happiest moments up here, on nights like this.
Darling, will you ever forget our honeymoon? That wonderful sandstorm in Death Valley.
You sang my favorite song to me, Sand Gets in Your Eyes.
Tish, we haven't been alone up here since the flashflood on Valentine's Day.
Gomez.
Yes, querida? You're dripping.
Zounds! For want of a shingle, a lovely moment is lost.
Just move over.
No, darling, please.
I don't want all that water sloshing around up here.
No problem.
There.
If that little Dutch boy had had a cigar, he wouldn't have gotten his thumb wet.
Darling, isn't that Great-Grandfather Peg leg's old sea chest? By george, so it is.
Peg leg, the last of the adventurous Addams.
He was adventurous, all right.
Wanted by 15 countries for piracy.
Well, let's see what we have here.
Darling, what's this? A sextant.
My, wasn't he the naughty one.
Old Peg leg's peg leg.
Oh, the poor thing.
How did he lose his leg, dear? He didn't.
Just wore this for appearances.
Stylish.
Look, darling, a map.
Maybe it shows in what waters they buried the old boy.
Oh, was grandfather Peg leg buried at sea? Full military honors.
Handcuffed.
Blindfolded.
Dropped off a plank.
Poor dear.
He probably never had a chance to pick up his treasure.
Or his insurance.
Did you say "treasure"? That's what the map says.
The exact locations and whereabouts of Peg leg Addams' sunken treasure.
See? Looks like the Sargasso Strait.
Darling, why don't we just toddle over and pick it up? - A treasure hunt? - Why not? We lead such routine lives.
Magnificent idea.
Out on the seven seas.
Wind in the rigging.
Salt spray in our faces.
And us lashed to the mast.
Oh, how thrilling.
Darling, what about your sinuses? Did old Peg leg worry about his sinuses? When he was the scourge of the seven seas? - When he walked the plank.
- Oh, yes.
I forgot.
This is going to be so exciting.
Darling, what flag shall we sail under? The flag we Addamses have always sailed under.
The Jolly Roger.
Sunken treasure.
I knew Fester would spark to the adventure of it.
Oh, I love adventures, just so there's money involved.
Uncle Fester, we're not going for the money.
The gold? Aren't you buccaneers forgetting something? - The jewels.
- No, the children.
They're in school.
Well, we'll just take them out of school.
Yes.
The principal's always suggesting it, anyway.
But it'll only be temporary, of course.
- Mommy.
- Speak of the little devils, here they are.
Wednesday, Pugsley darling, how was school? - Terrible.
- A real drag.
Especially History.
Nothing ever happens in History, except names and dates.
Yeah, they never tell us anything interesting.
Like, how many heads they chopped off in the French Revolution.
That's the trouble with the schools.
They just don't make these executions come alive.
But, darlings, we're going to change all that.
We're going to make history interesting by living it.
You mean, we're going to chop off someone's No, no, no, darling.
I mean, we're going to take a wonderful trip, and look for treasure.
Just where is this supposed treasure? Right here.
But, first, we better get rid of this.
Now, we start at point X, go 22 degrees north by northeast.
Follow the equator, past the Tropic of Cancer, and turn left.
Then, where are we? - Lost.
- Nonsense, dear.
You just follow this red line from here to Darling, there's something missing here.
You're right.
What's missing is the half of the map that shows where the treasure is.
Yuck.
Watch your language, Wednesday.
Darling, that was the only thing that was in the trunk.
The rest of it must be around the house somewhere.
Right! We'll divide ourselves into search parties.
Oh, that bell's out of order again.
Have to use the spare.
You rang? Lurch, we have a small problem.
We must find the lost half of this treasure map.
Now, we're gonna have to search high and low.
So, Lurch, you search high, and, children, you search low.
But what about me? Uncle Fester, darling, why don't you take the playroom, the caves, and the wine cellars? Mama, you take the art gallery, the discotheque, and the kitchen.
Thing, search between every wall.
Now, everybody spread out.
Darling, aren't you going to help us look? Querida, a captain just gives orders.
Aye, aye, sir.
You'll make a lovely first mate.
First mate? Are you planning on others? Cara mia, not the kind you're thinking about.
Four bells.
Think I'll go aft and shiver my timbers.
Darling, you sound so nautical.
I can just see you now.
On the bridge, at the helm, guiding us through storm-tossed seas.
Through squalls and gales.
And I will.
If I don't forget my seasick pills.
I think I better go see if I have any.
- Hey, Morticia, look what I found.
- The map? Oh no, something better than that.
A case of rum.
You know, you can't go to sea without a yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
But, Uncle Fester, do you think it's still drinkable? Well, there's only one way to find out.
Well, at least it was a great year for corks.
Morticia, Fester, don't give up the ship, mates, here's the missing map.
Oh, darling, they match perfectly! - Eureka! The treasure hunt is on.
- Oh, goody! Now, we have one small problem.
How're we going to get there? Nothing to it.
Start at point X.
Go 22 degrees north by northeast, follow the equator, past the Tropic of Cancer, and turn left.
No, darling.
- Turn right? - No, Morticia means, we haven't got a ship.
All we need is a cozy little vessel with a tight-lipped crew.
To ensure top secret, we'll be our own crew.
Darling, with you in command, how can we go wrong? - Well, I'll tell you - We'll have no mutinous talk, sir! Unless you like to be flogged, keel-hauled, and thrown into iron.
You know something? I think I'd like that.
It's the sea in his blood.
Well now, where do we find a boat? Where we find everything, of course, in the classified.
Let's see, boomerangs, bottle tops, boats.
Thank you, Thing.
Here's one.
Captain Grimby's Charter Boat Service.
"No job too ridiculous.
" - Sounds like our man.
- I'll call him.
Oh, goody! That Fester, knows all the latest dances.
Captain, are you sure you want to rent them that leaky tub of ours? If their money ain't leaky.
Well, I got dibs on the lifeboat.
You and me, both.
Come in, gentlemen.
Welcome aboard.
Been expecting you.
Well, I'm Captain Grimby.
This is my first mate, Mr.
Brack.
How do you do, Grimby? Brack.
Been doing some deep-sea diving in the bath tub.
Wonderful practice.
- Gentlemen.
- This is my lovely wife, Morticia.
You men of the sea have a certain air about you.
We just got off a tuna charter.
As you can see, we're getting a few things ready for the voyage.
Is that a bed of nails? Oh, yes.
A few homey touches will make the ship much more comfy.
I'm afraid you've come at feeding time.
Excuse me.
There, Esmeralda.
She must have her daily ration of iron.
Of course, we'll take our own piranha.
They keep the ship's galley so nice and neat.
Now, men.
Let me brief you.
Maybe the briefer, the better.
Your duties will be basically light.
Pull the hawsers, prepare the mess.
- Prepare the mess? - You can clean it up, too.
When the piranha get tired.
Make sure there's plenty of port on the portside.
Now, wait a minute.
Who's going to run this ship? Don't pry, Grimby.
Due to the secrecy of the mission, key positions will be handled by the family.
What's that? That's our Cousin Itt.
He's our lookout.
He's your lookout? Don't be fooled by the glasses, Brack.
He's got the eye of an eagle.
Plus, a few of his own.
Well, here I am.
All ready to help dive for the treasure.
What treasure? Great-Grandfather Peg leg's treasure.
He dropped it overboard during the mutiny.
Mutiny? Who was mutinying? Great-Grandfather Peg leg.
We have the exact location of the treasure, right here.
- Let me see that.
- Not so fast, Grimby.
First I must have your solemn vow of secrecy.
- I vow, I vow.
- Good enough.
Where did you get this thing? In a box of corn flakes? In a box of corn flakes? What do we look like? A pack of nuts? Give this man a cigar.
Come on, Captain, let's go.
Very well, Captain, if you're not interested in $10 million of Spanish gold, we'll find someone else.
Did you say $10 million? Could be $20 million, but what does it matter, as long as we have fun? Excuse me.
Sargasso Strait, eh? Yeah, there were a lot of treasure ships sunk there.
Old Peg leg sank most of them.
But even if the treasure's there, do you realize what an expedition like this would cost? Not exactly, Captain.
50,000? You think it's real money? It ain't cigar coupons.
Friend, you've found your man.
We'll be back tomorrow with a list of stores.
I guess I misjudged you fellows.
Well, of course.
Why should we think you're a pack of nuts? Yeah, that was silly of me.
Captain, are you actually gonna take those goofs on this trip? We're gonna take them, but not on any trip.
Uncle Fester, dear, what are you doing? Getting some more equipment ready, like this extra-special life preserver.
Oh? And this anchor that'll hold a boat real steady.
Must've gotten the materials mixed.
Well, everything else checks out, and in case we run out of food, I got my harpoon.
I'll harpoon a whale.
Thar she blows! Uncle Fester, you've wrecked the plumbing.
So what? Whales don't have any plumbing, and, if we get attacked by pirates, I'll give them what for with old reliable.
Right on target.
I'll put this map in the safe before we have anymore mishaps.
Oh, Gomez, let me crack the safe.
Uncle Fester, we have the combination.
I know, but it's so much more fun blowing it.
Sorry, old man, but we're fresh out of dynamite.
It's all set.
Now, watch this.
By george, it was booby trapped.
Real fun, and a great burglar alarm, too.
Dear Uncle Fester, someday your name will be linked with Edison, Marconi, and Einstein.
Thank you, Morticia.
That is a great law firm.
- This is gonna be a snap.
- Yeah.
Hey, it's the chubby coop, what do we do? Ignore him.
Let's just look around.
Who's there? It's you.
For a minute there, I thought it was burglars.
Burglars? Us? Yeah, but you fellows aren't supposed to be here till tomorrow.
We just came to take another look at the treasure map.
- Where is it? - In the safe.
Where's the safe? Right in back of Uncle Droop.
Thanks.
The next one better not be Uncle Droop.
That's Aunt Drip.
Come on.
All right, open up.
No one's allowed to open this safe but Morticia and Gomez.
Looks like a little persuasion is in order.
How does that feel? Best migraine treatment I ever had.
Okay, wise guy.
Give it another turn.
Beginning to get to you, huh? Oh, boy, that's really good.
Does this feel good, too? No, that gives me a headache.
Come on, talk.
Combination to the safe, let's have it.
Okay, let's see, 35-right.
Or is that 35-left? Say, fellows, there's something about this safe I feel you ought to know.
Just give the numbers, chubby.
- All right, let's see.
Right-81.
- Right-81.
- Left to 64.
- Left-64.
- Make that 63.
- 63.
- Left to 29.
- Left-29.
- Back to 13.
- Back to 13.
- Back to 16.
- Back to 16.
- Left to 22.
- Left to 22.
Now, pull the handle.
Okay.
That burglar alarm needs fixing.
Either that, or it was 35-right.
I don't know about you, Captain, but I'm getting out.
Sorry, fellows.
Fester, what's going on here? Boy, you sure picked a couple of lulus.
That Grimby and Brack tried to swipe the treasure map.
- Oh, dear.
- Morticia, would you get me out of here? Yes.
That was very unsporting of them.
Just for that, we won't charter their ship.
You mean you're going to call off the trip? Of course not, we'll buy our own boat.
- Of course! We still have the treasure map.
- Oh, good.
Oh, darling, what about the other Addams' valuables? Well, let's see.
Cousin Itt's baby comb.
My bugle! I'm glad this didn't get damaged.
Sorry, old man, just wanted to see if you're on your toes.
Darling, what's this? "Peg leg Addams' secret code book.
" "Without which the Peg leg Addams treasure map is absolutely worthless.
" Darling, shall we pinpoint the treasure then? Right.
I'll give you the map markings and you give me the locations.
Very well.
Double-Y Z.
Double-Y Z is Jamaica.
Now, follow the red line to Triple-Y M.
Triple-Y M.
Zanzibar.
Right.
Now, we're closing in.
Now, the yellow line to quadruple-T.
Quadruple-T is Novaya Zemlya.
Your Russian is flawless.
Now, the purple line to quintuple-O.
Quintuple-O is the Fiji Islands.
Perfect! Now, from here we simply bisect the transit, adjust for drift, and here is where the treasure lies.
The Antipodes? No, right under our house.
Under our house? How lucky for us that those men tried to rob us.
Otherwise, we'd be off on a wild goose chase.
Darlings, let's drink to our good fortune.
Capital idea.
Thank you, Thing.
Dear Thing, he's always there when you want him.
Just a moment, I better taste it first.
Nothing like a safe to give a wine just the right mellowness.
Keep digging, darlings, I'm sure that treasure's down there somewhere.
I think I hit something.
That's my foot! What's it doing under our house? It's not under the house, it's under your shovel.
Sorry, sorry.
A treasure chest! A great moment is at hand.
Okay, heave.
There it is.
Hodgebotkins.
We'll have to shoot off the lock.
Stand back, everyone.
My other foot! I told you to stand back.
All right.
By george, it's gold! It's a king's ransom.
Is it real? There's a very simple test.
Well, old Peg leg never was too bright about these things.
You mean, we've wasted our time? Not at all.
It's delicious.