The Cosby Show s02e19 Episode Script

VANESSA? GO ON AND GET IN YOUR OWN BED NOW.
I LEFT $5 UNDER YOUR PILLOW.
HI.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING? WHAT TIME IS IT? OH, GOODNESS.
YOU MUST BE TIRED.
NOT TIRED ENOUGH TO SLEEP ON TOP OF MY CHILD.
I SAID IT WAS OKAY TILL YOU CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.
VANESSA, HONEY.
DADDY'S HOME.
HI, DAD.
HI.
COME ON.
HI, DADDY.
HI, DEAR.
GO BACK TO YOUR OWN BED.
DO WE HAVE TO? YES, DEAR.
BYE-BYE.
JUST KEEP ON GOING.
DAD? IS THERE REALLY $5 UNDER MY PILLOW? NO.
I KNEW IT.
I'M SORRY.
THERE YOU GO, DEAR.
VANESSA PICK HER UP.
OHH.
I AM GOING TO DO SOME SERIOUS SLEEPING TONIGHT! YOU'VE HAD DELIVERIES FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW.
TONIGHT WAS THE WORST, DEAR.
I WOULD FINISH ONE GET ALL WASHED UP GET READY TO COME HOME AND A CAR WOULD PULL UP-- VAROOM! ONE POOR MAN PULLED UP WITHOUT HIS WIFE.
HE HAD TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY BACK.
THEN A WOMAN CAME WALKING IN ON HER OWN.
SAID SHE COULDN'T WAIT FOR HER HUSBAND WHO HAD PASSED OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREEWAY.
SO BOTH OF THEM STARTED TO GET READY AT THE SAME TIME.
OH, IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD SLEEP.
TODAY IS SATURDAY.
SLEEP AS LATE AS YOU WANT.
YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.
I'M GOING TO GET INTO THAT BED AND I'M GOING TO SLEEP UNTIL MY EYES JUST POP OPEN.
AND THEN I'M GOING TO WAIT FIVE MINUTES THEN I'M GOING TO THE SLEEP BANK AND I'M GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER WITHDRAWAL AND SLEEP SOME MORE.
THEN I'LL GET UP TAKE MY NEWSPAPER, FIND A QUIET ROOM AND JUST SIT THERE AND READ MY PAPER IN PEACE.
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
CLIFF? YEAH.
DID YOU LOCK THE DOOR? YEAH, I LOCKED THE DOOR.
YOU SURE? YES, I'M SURE.
WHAT ABOUT THE LIGHTS? YEAH, I LOCKED THE LIGHTS, TOO, DEAR.
CLIFF, ARE YOU SURE YOU LOCKED THE DOOR? I NOT ONLY LOCKED IT I SHOVED THE FURNITURE UP AGAINST IT, TOO.
I'M ONLY ASKING BECAUSE OF THAT TIME YOU WERE SO SURE YOU HAD LOCKED THE DOOR AND YOU DIDN'T.
THAT WAS WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO GET SOMETHING TO DRINK.
I'LL GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK.
YOU WANT TO SEE IF I LOCKED UP EVERYTHING.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
DO YOU WANT MILK? YES.
OKAY, I'LL GET SOME MILK FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
AND CLIFF, WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE DOUBLE-CHECK THE LOCK ON THE DOOR.
YOU COULD BE BOSSY IF YOU WANTED TO.
( YAWNING ) PHEW! I'M GIVING YOU ONE LAST CHANCE TO FORGET ABOUT THIS.
COCKROACH, IN A GOOD LIGHT YOU'LL BE HUMILIATED.
YOU WISH! IF YOU SAY SO.
THEO: CHECK OUT THIS MUSTACHE.
COCKROACH: I CAN'T EVEN SEE IT.
I CAN'T SEE YOURS.
THEN HOW COME TRACEY DARNELL IS GOING OUT WITH ME TONIGHT? BECAUSE WE'RE DOUBLE-DATING.
SHE'S USING YOU TO LOOK AT MY MUSTACHE.
SHE'D BETTER BRING A MAGNIFYING GLASS.
HEY, DAD.
HEY, FELLAS.
HOW ARE YOU? LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.
THEO, WALTER-- LOOKING AT THE TWO OF YOU I'VE NOTICED SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT'S MORE MANLY.
THANKS.
ONE OF US MORE THAN THE OTHER? NO, NO, NO.
IT'S EQUAL MASCULINITY.
THANKS, DAD.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
HE ONLY SAID THAT 'CAUSE YOU'RE HIS SON.
HE MEANT MY MUSTACHE AND YOUR FEET.
(* SOUL MUSIC *) HEY, DAD.
HI, DR.
HUXTABLE.
WHY DO YOU HAVE ON TWO RADIOS? IT GIVES A RICHER SOUND, DR.
HUXTABLE.
IF YOU POSITION THEM RIGHT, YOU GET TRUER TONALITY.
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE THERE.
DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME WITH YOU? SORRY.
WHERE'S MOM? SHE HAD TO LEAVE FOR THE OFFICE.
DOES YOUR FATHER ALWAYS SLEEP THIS LATE? HE'S BEEN WORKING NIGHTS THIS WEEK.
HE MIGHT BE IN A LOW ENERGY CYCLE.
A LOW ENERGY CYCLE? YEAH.
YOU SHOULD GET YOUR BIORHYTHMS CHECKED.
ROBERT AND I DID.
THERE WAS A MAN OUTSIDE LAYTHAM'S DEPARTMENT STORE IN A BOOTH.
BOOTH? WE GAVE HIM OUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS TIME OF BIRTH AND FAVORITE COLORS.
AND WHAT ELSE? TWO DOLLARS APIECE.
I PROMISED VANESSA I'D PAY HER BACK.
ARE YOU ON A LOW CASH CYCLE? THAT'S A GOOD ONE, DR.
HUXTABLE.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
HE FED THE INFORMATION INTO A COMPUTER AND A FEW SECONDS LATER, WE GOT THESE CHARTS.
THEY PROVE WHAT WE'VE THOUGHT ALL ALONG-- WE'RE RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER.
LOOK AT THESE, DAD.
THEY SHOW THE DIFFERENT PEAKS AND VALLEYS IN DIFFERENT AREAS OF YOUR LIFE.
RIGHT NOW, ROBERT AND I ARE PEAKING ON AMBITION AND PEAKING ON ROMANCE.
AND WE BOTH VALLEY ON JEALOUSY AND POWER.
IT'S AMAZING.
WE'RE ORGANICALLY AND COSMICALLY IN TOTAL SYNCH.
YEAH.
WELL, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
YOU AND MRS.
HUXTABLE SHOULD GO TO THE BIORHYTHM BOOTH AND GET YOUR CHARTS MADE.
I'D BE GLAD TO HELP YOU READ THEM.
ROBERT, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE PEAKING ON GENEROSITY.
YEAH.
YES.
AND I'M ORGANICALLY AND COSMICALLY IN SYNCH WITH WHAT IS COMING OUT OF YOUR FACE.
(* REGGAE MUSIC *) HI, DADDY.
HI, HON.
HOW ARE YOU? I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET EDDIE LAKEHEART.
EDDIE, HOW ARE YOU? HI, DR.
HUXTABLE.
HAVE A SIT DOWN.
(* REGGAE MUSIC *) I SEE YOU'RE WATCHING THE ALL-MUSIC STATION.
YOU'RE INTO REGGAE, HUH? YEAH.
* I SAY HEY, MAN * * I SAY YOU GO DOWN * * AND I SAY HEY, MAN * * B-R-R-R * * HEY, MAN * * HEY, MAN * * HEY, MAN * * I SAID HEY, MAN * * HEY, MAN * * BO BA BA BOO BEE * * HEY, MAN * * HEY, MAN * * HEY, MAN * * HEY, MAN * * HEY, MAN * * AND YOU GO DOWN * * I SAID YOU GO DOWN * * I SAID WE GOING DOWN * * REGGAE * * I SAID * * HEY * * I SAY AND YOU SAY * * YOU SAY * * AND WE SAY * * I SAID HEY, MAN * * B-R-R-R * * HEY, MAN * OH, I'M SORRY.
ELVIN, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.
I CAME OVER TO STUDY.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
HI, HONEY.
HI, DAD.
DON'T PAY ME ANY MIND.
I JUST CAME DOWN HERE TO FIND A QUIET PLACE TO READ MY PAPER.
THAT'S ALL.
SONDRA, WOULD YOU PLEASE PASS ME THE MARKER? THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE IT BACK, SONDRA? NO, ELVIN I WOULD NOT LIKE IT BACK.
DR.
HUXTABLE YOU SHOULD KNOW-- SONDRA'S UPSET WITH ME.
AGAIN? DADDY, YOU KNOW HOW ELVIN IS ALWAYS LATE? AND HOW YOU ALWAYS GET ANGRY WITH HIM WHEN HE'S LATE.
TODAY I DECIDED TO TEACH HIM A LESSON.
I PICKED HIM UP TWO HOURS LATE SO HE'D KNOW HOW IT FEELS.
AND HE DIDN'T GET MAD! WHEN SHE WAS LATE, I ASSUMED SHE HAD A GOOD REASON.
I TOLD YOU THAT I WAS LATE FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
I WAS GLAD YOU WERE OKAY.
BUT YOU NEVER GET MAD.
DADDY IT THREATENS OUR RELATIONSHIP.
ELVIN'S OUT OF TOUCH WITH HIS ANGER.
I'M AFRAID SONDRA'S RIGHT, DR.
HUXTABLE.
I'VE NEVER GOTTEN ANGRY IN MY LIFE.
HOWEVER, PEOPLE DO TEND TO GET VERY ANGRY WITH ME.
ELVIN, YOUR INABILITY TO EXPRESS YOUR ANGER IS IN ITSELF A FORM OF HOSTILITY.
DADDY, HE IS A CLASSIC PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
DON'T AGREE WITH ME! GET MAD AT ME! I CALLED YOU A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
I'M SURE YOU HAD A GOOD REASON.
YOU KNOW, DR.
HUXTABLE IF I COULD GET ANGRY, THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN.
I'M REALLY SORRY TO GET YOU INVOLVED IN THIS.
NO, NO.
IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE PROBABLY PEAKING ON ANGER IN YOUR BIORHYTHMS.
WHAT? WHATEVER YOU'RE TRYING TO WORK OUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL.
THANKS, DR.
HUXTABLE.
SONDRA, DO YOU CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO TRY TO WORK IT OUT? NO, ELVIN, I DON'T.
OKAY, I UNDERSTAND.
ELVIN, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
I CARE ABOUT YOU A GREAT DEAL.
I SAID THAT TO MAKE YOU MAD.
OH.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK ON THIS.
YOU'RE GOING TO WORK ON IT NOW? IT'S IMPORTANT TO EXAMINE THESE EMOTIONS WHILE WE'RE IN THE MOMENT.
OKAY, HONEY.
ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
ELVIN, YOU CAN STRAIGHTEN ALL THIS UP FOR TWO DOLLARS.
HI.
HI! HI, DADDY.
HI, DR.
HUXTABLE.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO HAVE PERMISSION TO SIT UP HERE AND WATCH TV? MOMMY SAID WE COULD.
SHE DID? YES.
SHE SAID IF WE WERE QUIET WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP WHEN YOU GOT UP, WE COULD WATCH TV HERE.
YOU SLEPT A LONG TIME.
WANT TO WATCH CARTOONS WITH US? NO, THANK YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I DON'T KNOW.
(* MUSIC *) ( KNOCKING ) ( KNOCKING ) WHO IS IT? CLAIR: IT'S ME.
HOW DO I KNOW IT ISN'T ONE OF MY CHILDREN IMITATING MY WIFE'S VOICE? IT'S ME.
IF IT IS YOU, THEN WHERE DID WE EAT THE NIGHT YOU GRADUATED FROM LAW SCHOOL? MICHAEL AND ENNIO'S.
WRONG! IT WAS MARIANI'S.
IT WAS NOT! OKAY, OKAY.
HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT? DON'T PUT ME IN A HEADLOCK.
OH, COME IN.
HURRY UP BEFORE THE CHILDREN COME ON.
WHEN I CALLED FROM THE OFFICE AND FOUND OUT HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE HERE I DECIDED TO STOP FOR PIZZA.
I KNEW YOU'D BE HIDING.
DID THE CHILDREN SEE YOU COME DOWN HERE? OH, NO.
GOOD.
I WAITED UNTIL THEY WERE FEEDING THEN I GRABBED THE ONLY PIZZA WITH BLACK OLIVES, ANCHOVIES AND SAUSAGE SNEAKED OUT THE BACK DOOR AND CAME IN THROUGH THE ENTRANCE TO YOUR OFFICE.
YOU ARE A GENIUS.
AND I AM A GENIUS BECAUSE I MARRIED YOU.
CLIFF, YOU THINK WE SHOULD TELL THE KIDS WE'RE DOWN HERE? ARE YOU DRUNK? ( KNOCKING ) DR.
HUXTABLE, ARE YOU IN THERE? ELVIN.
( KNOCKING ) DR.
HUXTABLE? I'M IN HERE WITH A PATIENT RIGHT NOW.
I'M GETTING READY TO DELIVER A BABY.
IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
NO, IT CAN'T BE THAT IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE WOMAN IS GOING TO DELIVER ANY SECOND NOW.
SO YOU HAVE TO GO BACK UPSTAIRS.
HI, DR.
HUXTABLE.
HI, MRS.
HUXTABLE.
EDDIE WAS GOING TO GIVE ME A RIDE HOME BUT HE CAN'T BECAUSE YOUR CAR IS BLOCKING HIS CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY.
I'LL GET THE KEYS.
YOU CAN MOVE IT.
SONDRA GOT YOUR EXTRA KEYS.
WE TRIED TO START IT, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.
JUST PUSH IT ASIDE AND I'LL HAVE MY MECHANIC LOOK AT IT TOMORROW.
YOUR MECHANIC WORKS ON SUNDAY? WE'D BETTER MOVE IT NOW.
I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THIS, DR.
HUXTABLE.
OH! SO THIS IS WHERE THE ANCHOVY, BLACK OLIVE AND SAUSAGE PIZZA WENT.
DO YOU MIND IF I JUST ELVIN.
I'VE STAYED TOO LONG.
GENTLEMEN.
HI, MRS.
HUXTABLE.
HI, MRS.
HUXTABLE.
HI, DR.
HUXTABLE.
ARE YOU ALL WEARING MY CLOTHES? THAT'S A GOOD ONE, DR.
HUXTABLE.
THANK YOU.
WE ALL WENT HOME AND CHANGED.
HOW'S THE CAR? IT'S FINE.
EVERYTHING'S FIXED.
WELL, SINCE YOU ALL ARE DRESSED UP AND LOOKING SMOOTH I GUESS YOU'RE GOING SOMEPLACE, ARE YOU? VANESSA AND I ARE GOING TO A SCHOOL DANCE.
IT'S NOT A FORMAL BUT WE LIKE TO LOOK GOOD.
SONDRA AND I ARE TAKING RUDY TO SEE THE ALVIN AILEY DANCE COMPANY.
EDDIE, ARE YOU TAKING DENISE OUT? YES, MA'AM.
WELL, GOOD.
I GUESS I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON EVERYONE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN MY GIRLS WERE LITTLE AND I'D HOLD THEM IN MY ARMS I ALWAYS KNEW THEY WOULD DATE BOYS BUT I NEVER FIGURED THEY WOULD BE THIS HANDSOME.
THANK YOU, SIR.
THAT'S THE WAY LIFE GOES.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN YOU LOOK BACK ON WHAT YOU THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN AND SAY, "THAT'S NOT HOW I THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN.
" THERE YOU GO.
WHOA! BYE, DAD.
NO, NO, NO.
COME HERE.
NOW YOU KNOW THIS IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW I WANT TO SEE THIS.
SO TURN AROUND.
YES I THINK A HANDSHAKE IS IN ORDER FOR THIS AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME.
THANKS, DAD.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I ALSO THINK THAT WE SHOULD HAVE-- INSTEAD OF FIVE SINCE THIS IS SO SPECIAL-- WE SHOULD HAVE TEN.
ALL RIGHT.
NO, NO, TEN.
NO, NO, NO.
COME ON, DROP IT.
DAD, COME ON.
COME ON, LOWER IT.
OHHH! LET ME SEE YOURS.
LET ME SEE.
WOOO.
WOOO.
USED TO DO THAT MYSELF WHEN I WENT TO THE DANCES AND I WANTED TO LOOK OLDER.
I'D TAKE THE MASCARA PENCIL AND MAKE THE MUSTACHE.
( DOORBELL ) COCKROACH: IT'S THEM! DAD, PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING? I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.
ANYTHING.
I NEVER SAID I'LL DO ANYTHING.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DAD.
YOU KNOW ME.
I KNOW YOU! PLEASE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
OKAY, OKAY, YOU PROMISE.
NO, I DIDN'T PROMISE.
I DON'T HAVE TO PROMISE, I'M THE FATHER.
BYE, DAD! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I HAVE TO MEET THE YOUNG LADIES.
SO BRING THE YOUNG LADIES IN.
PLEASE BRING THEM IN.
HAPPY TO MEET YOU.
THIS IS MY DAD, DR.
HUXTABLE.
THIS IS TRACEY AND LINDA.
TRACEY, HOW ARE YOU? FINE.
AND LINDA.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
I MUST TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE GOING OUT WITH SOME VERY MANLY MEN.
YEAH.
OH, YES WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT.
I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU WHEN I WENT OUT TO DANCES AT THIS AGE I USED TO TAKE WE HAVE TO GO.
WAIT, WAIT, THE ONE THING I WANTED TO SAY WELL, GO AHEAD.
JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME.
I HOPE IT DOESN'T RAIN ON YOUR FACE.
I'M READY.
LOOK AT ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
I WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE.
DAD, WE DON'T WANT TO BE LATE.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HOW DO I LOOK? GOOD.
HOW DO I LOOK? GOOD.
WHAT ABOUT US? GOOD.
HOW ABOUT ME? GOOD.
HOW DO I LOOK? GOOD.
DENISE, COME ON! I WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE.
HOW DO I LOOK? GOOD! ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
SAY 'NEWMONNOIDS'.
NEWMONNOIDS! AH! ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS SOMETHING I WILL CHERISH THE REST OF MY LIFE.
NOW ALL OF YOU, GET OUT! BYE, DAD.
GOOD NIGHT, DR.
HUXTABLE.
GOODBYE.
GOOD NIGHT.
YEA!! NOW! OH, TO SIT HERE IN MY HOUSE-- OH, IT'S SO WONDERFUL, DEAR-- AND READ MY PAPER.
OF COURSE, BY THIS TIME NOW THIS IS NOT NEWS.
MAY I TURN ON THE TV? YOU MAY TURN ON OUR TV.
THANK YOU.
A WEEK BEFORE MATING, THE MALE PERUVIAN SAND CRICKET GATHERS SMALL STICKS AND BLADES OF GRASS WHICH HE USES TO BUILD A HUT-LIKE NEST.
IN THIS HUT, THE MATING WILL TAKE PLACE.
TO LURE THE FEMALE INTO THE HUT THE CRICKET RUBS HIS HIND LEGS TOGETHER PRODUCING A LOUD, CRACKLING SOUND.
( CHIRPING CRICKETS ) ALTHOUGH IRRITATING TO NEARBY VILLAGES TO THE FEMALE SAND CRICKET IT IS AN ALLURING, SEDUCTIVE LOVE SONG.
DRAWN TO THE HUT, THE FEMALE ENTERS SHYLY AT FIRST BUT ONCE INSIDE THE MALE COURTS HER WITH A RITUALISTIC MATING DANCE.
THEN MATING BEGINS.
AS THE MATING PROCESS NEARS COMPLETION A CURIOUS THING HAPPENS.
THE FEMALE FLIPS THE MALE OVER PINS HIM DOWN AND EATS HIM ALIVE.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT TO SEE THIS.
LEAVING ONLY THE MALES LEGS BEHIND THE FEMALE BACKS OUT OF THE HUT KNOCKS IT DOWN AND DANCES ON TOP OF IT.