The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e19 Episode Script

[upbeat music]
I know you're nervous, Speedy.
But don't worry, buddy.
They can't take 'em twice.
Man, how long does it take
to read a hip x-ray?
It's just a picture. It's not
like reading words or anything.
Reason number 2,000,005
why you're not a doctor.
Hey.
For your information,
I always wanted to be a vet.
Animals fascinate me.
You know, I read an article
that said they can look
right into our souls.
- What do you see, birdie?
- Squawk, Loser!
- Hey!
- Probably just a lucky guess.
I bet he knows lots of words.
- Polly want a cracker?
- Loser!
Cut it out.
- Loser!
- Shut up.
Stupid bird says what?
- Hey, Oswald.
- What?
[bird laughing]
Uh, anyone have a pet squirrel
they left outside?
Real cute, big teeth,
doesn't like to cuddle.
Shouldn't have tried
to take his nuts.
Hmm.
Drew, Speedy, you wanna come in?
We'll talk about the x-rays.
Hup, this is it.
I'll come with you.
Sometimes he gets nervous and it
helps if I scratch his neck.
Attaboy. You're alright.
Attaboy.
Hi.
Hey, couldn't help
but notice your monkey.
Now I can't help but notice you.
Hey!
Okay. Seen the trick.
Persistent little fella,
isn't he?
Please tell me there's not
a second part to this trick.
Oh, oh sure, walk away.
I was the one getting
groped by your monkey.
It's a sentence I thought
I'd never sayagain.
(Lewis)
'Hey buddy. How'd it go?'
Welldoctor says
his hips are gettin' worse
but the good news is
there's a new operation
that could fix him.
Yeah. Except that
it costs $2700.
Wow. My car didn't even
cost that much.
- Loser!
- Shut up!
Oh, I'm gonna get the money.
I don't care if it kills me.
'Cause I want you to know that
incredible feeling you get
when you run and you run and you
just can't run no more. Yeah.
How would you know
what that feels like, Drew?
[laughing]
Shut up. I've chased an ice
cream truck or two in my day.
And hey, listen..
before we leave,
I gotta go to the men's room.
I'll be right back.
Oh, hi. Uhthank you.
Up every mornin
just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way
through the hustlin mob ♪
Sounds of the city
pounding in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
But its a five o clock world
when the whistle blows ♪
No one owns
a piece of my time ♪
And theres a five o clock
me inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin that the world
looks fine yeah ♪
Holiday ♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, pig!
There's a bunch of stuff
for you to sign.
Sign here.
Sign here.
Put you hoof print right here.
What? A request form
for eight more vacation days.
You just got back from vacation!
Your tan line
hasn't even faded yet.
Oh, dear God. Please tell me
thereisa tan line.
Met a cute guy in Miami and..
let's just say
Mimi got her groove back.
Next week, we're gonna meet
to go skiing.
Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Yeah!
A blind guy that could ski.
Good for you.
Look. I'd love to give you
extra time off. But I can't.
Even though a vacation for you
would be vacation for my eyes.
I'm warnin' you.
When I don't get any,
I can get mighty unpleasant.
Wonder if they make
a mouthwash for your head.
- Hi, Drew.
- Hey.
You know, seeing how close
you and Speedy are
and all those cute little
animals in the vet's office
I decided that I wanted
a little friend too.
So look what I got during lunch.
Ah! It's a littlenothin'.
They're so cute
when they're small.
Oh, my gosh! Where's my ferret?
There was a ferret in here.
H-how'd it figure out the lock?
He must have been looking
in his little mirror
when I was doin'
the combination.
[woman screaming]
Oh! I think
I found him. See ya.
- Hey, Nora.
- Drew.
Well, enough small talk.
We need to update your personal
information for health benefits.
'Cause this year you finally
waddled into the top risk group.
I'm sure the doughnut's
rootin' for ya.
Don't push me, Nora.
I gotta lot in my mind.
Including
an expensive operation.
Surgery, huh?
Wellthink happy thoughts.
You're all heart. But
the operation's for my dog.
What?
You have a doggy?
And he needs surgery?
Lemme see a picture.
This is Speedy.
He needs a new hip.
Hey, you look about his size.
[scoffs]
These are my children.
These are my dogs.
And these are my cats.
Aww, cat lady.
Who'd have guessed,huh?
So when's Speedy
getting his operation?
Oh, I wanna get it done right
away, but I can't afford it.
ListenI think
I might be able to help you.
I've worked out a system.
To use the company insurance
to pay vet bills.
You just claim your pet
as a dependant.
What? That's cheatin'
the system. I can't do that.
The system gives us order.
Without the system,
there is chaos.
Okay, I think
everybody heard me.
You say no one's
ever been caught?
Not once in seven years.
Ah, what am I thinkin'.
I-I can't cheat the company.
Besides, everyone knows
I don't have a wife and kids.
You don't need a wife and kids.
We have same-sex benefits.
You just pretend you're gay.
I'm sorry. This is my stop.
I think I'm gettin' off.
Don't be a wuss. I'm the
only one that see's the forms.
[scoffs]
I can't. That's crazy.
Okay, Drew.
I'll be crippled just so
people don't think you're gay.
Oh, manokay, look.
I'll do it only if you let me
pay it back. With interest.
Fine. Pay it back and I'll
send it into the company.
Sowhat would his name be?
- Who?
- Your lover.
It has to be something
you're comfortable with
and can easily remember.
I don't know. Drew and John. No.
Drew and Tom. No.
Drew and Michael.
Drew and Michael,
cordially invite you to..
Oh! What the hell am I doin'?
Just put down anything.
[instrumental music]
(Drew)
'Okay, get well, Speedy.
Take care.'
Thanks, Oswald.
You can hang up now.
Did you hear him, Kate?
Doesn't he sound great?
For once, I am
beatin' the system
and since I'm payin' 'em
back with interest
I don't feel bad at all.
- But you know what I do feel?
- Huh.
Somethin' furry
runnin' up my leg.
Ferret! Ferret!
I'm not gonna get it.
You have to get it out.
Hurry up! He's gettin' really
high. He's about to find a hole.
Alright. Stand still.
Matt, you little weasel.
Come to mama.
Oh, Jeez. Is it
promotion time already?
Okay, wait. Wait, wait.
I got it.
One, two, three!
Hey, where you going?
It's just been up Drew's pants.
It's probably gonna
jump off the building.
If you've emptied your arc..
Mrs. Louder
wants to see you immediately.
It's about some
insurance claim you filed.
I guess they don't cover pullin'
your head out of your butt.
Hi. Uh, you wanted to see me.
Come on in, Drew.
Now, this is a
rather delicate area--
Did I mention how wonderful
you all look today?
- 'It's a pleasure--'
- Quit babbling.
If I wanna hear babbling, I'll
talk to one of these yes men.
That's right.
Now, Drew.. How is
Aaron's hip coming along?
- Who?
- Your significant other.
Oh! Yeah. Great. You know the..
It's gonna take a while
to heal, but the vet said..
I mean, the doctor.
He was a vet.
That's the only
kind of doctor I'll use.
One who's served his country
in the field of battle.
God bless America. Can I go now?
Sit down, Mr. Carey.
You know, it isn't our policy
to challenge employee claims
and-and certainly
we make no judgement
on your personal
lifestyle, but--
Since when are you gay?
I'm sorry. Isn't this
a personal matter? You know..
I was told those papers
wouldn't be seen by anyone.
Well, normally they wouldn't,
but Nora's off today
and yours came up for review.
Now, on the off chance you're
confused. Let me explain to you.
Simply being rejected by woman
doesn't qualify
you as a homosexual.
Well, what exactly
are you asking me? I mean--
We'd like to meet Aaron. It's
not that we don't trust you.
It's just we know
you've dated women.
You know, I-I really resent
this invasion of privacy.
What goes on between a man
and a woman, or a man and a man
or a woman and a woman, or a
woman and a woman and a man..
I don't have to
go through all the combinations.
I think you get my point.
Nevertheless, we'll need
proof of the relationship
otherwise, you could be
prosecuted for insurance fraud.
We will not be made fools of.
[instrumental music]
[upbeat music]
Here. Cheer up, buddy.
Pretty soon you'll
be up and around.
I'll be out of a job. We'll both
be eatin' the same food, huh.
- Hey, Kate.
- Hi.
What's that?
It's a humane trap
for my ferret.
I'll just put some
food in there
to lure him in
and bam! He's trapped.
Then I spray some water
on the cage.
Flick the lights like lightning
and pretty soon
he thinks I'm god!
There'll be no more
running away.
[laughing]
Kate, this'll never work.
What animal is that stupid?
Dumpty-dum, well,
look, a snack. Good.
[groaning]
Who here didn't know
that was gonna happen?
[clattering]
Hey, let's get him out of there
before he chews his arm off.
[groaning]
Huh! Glad that parrot
wasn't here.
I'd never hear the end of it.
[giggling]
So, Drew, have you decided
what you're gonna
tell the board?
Are you're gonna try
to prove to them you're gay?
Kind of ironic. Isn't it?
You've spent your whole life
trying to prove that you're not.
[laughing]
This is not helping
me with my problem.
I will help you
with your problem.
If you don't tell the truth,
you'll get fired.
At the very least,
lose your health insurance.
And you need that
health insurance, Drew.
Especially, living in such
a dangerous neighborhood.
What are you talking about? This
neighborhood isn't dangerous.
Oh, yeah?
Fried Chicken Shack?
Corn dog stand?
Three doughnut shops,
all within walking distance?
Location, location, location!
Just remember, Drew,
people don't kill people.
Corn dogs kill people.
Mmm.
She's right, you know. I
can't lose my health benefits.
I gotta find
a same-sex partner.
[giggling]
Oswald?
Wait a minute.
Why is it automatically me?
Oh, you know, you're my friend.
Well, so is Lewis. Why'd you
pick me to be gay over Lewis?
Because you're..
you're more sophisticated,
you know what I mean.
- No, what's your point?
- Alright. I'll-I'll be honest.
I'll just say it right out
in the open.
Lewis is too obvious
of a choice.
Hm.
- Sometimes, pretty is a curse.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I-I see. Yeah, okay.
So-so, what do I have to do?
You just have to walk
in the board room
like you'd had a hip surgery
and then pretend
to be my boyfriend.
Oh, wellwhat if they
start asking questions?
You know me all my life.
You know everything about me.
Well, I know about you,
but not about us.
How long have
we been a couple?
I don't know. Six months?
And we're already
living together?
Jeez! That's kinda quick.
Alright, nine months.
And did we ever go on vacation?
What do we do on Sundays?
And a song! We need a song!
Lewis wanna do this?
After seein' how snippy
you are with Oswald?
I think not.
[instrumental music]
So now you're gay?
Oh, man. Who told you?
Doesn't matter. 'Cause
I don't believe any of it.
I just haven't figured out
what your angle is yet.
You're under
my magnifying glass,pig.
You know what? You're
even huger than before!
Whatever you're up to..
you're not gonna
get away with it.
I'm here, I'm queer.
Get used to it.
Oh, Drew, I heard you got
in trouble. I'm so sorry.
You're sorry? How about me?
I have to lie about who I am
for the rest for the time
I work here,
which is basically forever.
Not forever.
In a year you'll decide
it was just an experiment.
You have to keep your
relationships with women
a deep, dark secret.
The same way I'm sure they do.
Excuse me, I'm here for an
interview with Drew Carey.
I was just leaving.
I have to help hold
my husband down
while they give him a bath.
So, ah, Ms. Wolfe, have a
seat. Shouldn't take too long.
Hey, says here you type
90 words a minute.
That's right.
Can you take
your glasses off?
Why?
Just for a second.
I wanna see something.
I knew it.
A young Nick Nolte!
[chuckling]
C'mon. Let's get back
to the interview.
I can't.
I won't be able
to think straight
until you put
those glasses back on.
[chuckles]
So, um, according
to your resume..
as far as possible positions
it says you're, um,
up for anything.
That's right.
What do you say we go out?
Oh, look, um, Ms. Wolfe,
I should tell you this.
This isn't gonna help
you get the job.
Although I do like
you better than the woman
who told me I look
like an old Cris Farley.
Well, then I don't
want the job.
I just wanna have sex with you
eat pizza and show you some
cheers I know from high school.
Ah-ha..
[shouting]
Mimi?
Hm?
Does this young lady
belong to you?
Why? Whatever do you mean?
You're not gonna out
me as a heterosexual, Mimi.
Nice try though.
Ohoh, right.
Guess it was stupid.
Thanks anyway, Jenny.
Ohah, by the way,
your next interview is here.
Ah, sorry Aaron's late.
You know, bad hip and all.
Otherwise, he takes pretty
good care of himself, you know.
Exercises, takes his vitamins.
My man! I think I'll keep him.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Drew, Aaron, thank you
both for coming by.
This won't take long.
Uh, ah, how is your hip, Aaron?
Oh, it's getting better.
The doc says I'll be up
and running around the yard
before you know it.
He loves to run.
Very outdoorsy.
It's pretty interesting, Aaron.
It is Aaron,isn't it?
Because you're our global
parcel delivery man
and I know you as Oswald.
Well, it was Oswald
but ever since Drew and I
became more than just friends
I've gone by Aaron.
Because to me, Oswald is dead.
So what do you wanna know?
Well, first we're going
to separate you.
What?
I'm going to ask you
the same questions separately.
If you really are a couple
you'll know everything there
is to know about each other.
Sounds like the newly wed game.
What's the craziest place
you ever made whoopie?
[laughs]
Aaron, could you wait
outside, please?
Oh, my blue eyes
are gonna miss you.
Yup, Drew Alison Carey
really is gonna miss you
from the top of his
five foot ten-inch frame
to the bottom
of his size ten shoes.
Alison. Got it.
So, Carey, tell us
about your first date.
Our first date, well,
the one thing I do remember
was that, it was
the dead of winter.
Drew was wearing a swimsuit.
That's right.
And we shared a ski lift.
And I said
"My feet are burning.
Let's get off this beach
and go some place quiet"
Oh, my favorite color, red.
His favorite color is blue.
I think his favorite movie
is "Dirty Harry."
I like "The Crying Game,"
that and "Tootsie."
Oh, "Hey Jude."
The theme from "Tootsie."
- And Drew loves pizza.
- Oh, I love pizza.
- And beer.
- And beer.
He can't get enough beer.
Oh, you cannot get enough beer.
[instrumental music]
You two are very similar, in
that all your answers are wrong.
You know absolutely nothing
about each other.
Have you two
even met before today?
Can't believe you don't know
anything about me.
- Me? What about you?
- "The Joy Luck Club?"
"The Joy Luck Club"
is my favorite movie?
I remember you told me how
neat it would be to have
a multi-generational family
and then I said--
They don't need
to hear all this?
Why do you always have
to cut me off?
You're always cutting me off.
Like the other day--
I do not do this.
See this is what
I'm telling you.
This is exactly what--
Can we talk about this later?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were the boss of me.
Well, I thought
I had some say!
We were wrong.
They're a real couple, alright.
- What?
- We're convinced.
Really? We can go?
Please take your
cat-fight else where.
Well, then I guess
we'll be going
if that's okay withyou.
Fine.
Hold on a second, Carey.
Mrs. Louder, wouldn't
they be perfect
for our new
advertising campaign?
Oh! I hadn't thought of that!
But you're right, Wick..
Adv-advertising campaign?
Yes, Winfred-Louder
is reaching out
to minorities in the community.
You two would be perfect
to represent the gays.
Oh, I don't know.
Wait a minute. Wait.
What will we do?
Well..
We'd use your images on all our
Winfred-Louder advertisements.
On buses, on television
and newspapers.
You'd go to gay
festivals and parades.
Basically, wherever
there are gays in Ohio
you'll be there for us.
Oh, wait, I can't,
we can't-I can't
be a role model
for somebody I'm not.
I'm..
We're not gay.
Well..
nice to meet all of you.
So this was a fraud?
You better have a bloody good
excuse for this, Carey.
Well, the truth is the, ah
same-sex benefits
were for my-my dog.
He needed a hip operation.
Oh, I had a hip operation too.
It's hell in rainy weather
but it's great to catch
a frisbee again.
- So you understand?
- I understand this.
Your health benefits
are suspended
until you pay this off.
And on a personal note,
I am very disappointed..
to think I was going to fix
you up with my grandson.
Come on, Speedy, let's see
those legs work, huh.
(Drew)
'Come on. Attaboy.'
Come on.
[laughing]
Yeah.
Attaboy.
Hey, what do you
wanna do first, huh?
You wanna go to
the dog park? Play frisbee?
Or you wanna go outside
and just run
and you run
till you can't run no more?
Anything you wanna do.
What do you wanna do, huh?
[rustling]
[outro music]
[instrumental music]
[baby chuckling]
[instrumental music]