The Proud Family (2001) s02e19 Episode Script

Welcome home.
Hey, Daddy!
Hello, family.
Da-Da.
Coming home to your
smiles and kisses
has made me feel
like a new man.
Go for the pin, Mongo!
Go for the pin!
(cackling)
That’s my boy!
Go for it, Mongo!
Trudy, why is Suga Mama
and that snooty geezer
watching my TV?
Oh, Oscar, relax.
I think it’s nice that
Suga Mama has a boyfriend.
Yeah, Daddy.
Clarence is a nice man.
And he really, really
likes Suga Mama.
Well, I don’t
like him.
Why not, Oscar?
Because anyone
who likes Suga Mama
and dress that good,
must be up to no good.
So, Oscar, how do you like
the new suit I bought Clarence?
What?! Mama,
why did you buy him a new suit?
Don’t be mad, my dear son.
Son?! Look, look,
don’t call me "son"!
I am not your son!
I wish I wasn’t her son.
You keep talking,
you’ll be my late son.
I was going
to pay for it,
but I left my wallet
in my other trousers.
Suga generously purchased
my new attire despite my objections.
Well, you better
pay her back.
Oh, quiet, boy.
I told Clarence
to consider it a gift.
Instead of buying
lover boy here a new outfit,
you should’ve bought
yourself one.
I did.
Bling-bling.
(cackles)
Don’t hate me
because I’m beautiful.
The Proud Family ♪
What? You and me
will always be tight ♪
Family, every single day
and night ♪
Even when you start
acting like a fool ♪
You know I’m loving
every single thing you do ♪
I know that I can
always be myself ♪
I love you more
than anybody else ♪
And every day
as I’m heading off to school ♪
You know there’s no one
I love as much as you ♪
Family, a family ♪
Proud Family ♪
They’ll make you scream ♪
-(doorbell rings)
-They make you want to sing ♪
It’s a family thing,
a family ♪
Proud, Proud Family ♪
Proud Family ♪
They’ll push your buttons ♪
And make you want
to hug them ♪
Family, a family,
Proud, Proud Family. ♪
Yeowch!
Okay, it’s love-love.
Are you ready, love?
Woman, will you just serve?
Look out, Sticky!
It’s coming your way!
Trudy, look at those two
old prunes in the pool.
Man, Clarence is too old
to be wearing Speedos.
When did Speedo start
making diver rolls anyway?
(laughs)
Oscar, will you
please stop obsessing
over your mama’s
boyfriend?
I don’t trust
him, Trudy.
He’s a gigolo.
Now why do you
think that?
Look at him
look at her.
You got to be a gigolo
to like something
that jiggles that low.
Blech!
Clarence likes your mama
because she makes him happy.
Face it, Trudy,
she may not dress like it,
but Suga Mama’s loaded.
(Trudy)
I’ve heard enough.
Now put this meat
on the grill, please.
Why am I the only one who’s concerned
about my mama’s welfare?
Which she will be on
once Clarence bilks her dry.
Hey, look.
Here comes my secret weapon.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you’ll see.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it’s time for the main event.
In this corner,
all wet and wrinkly
the challenger,
Clarence "Po Boy" St. John.
And now entering the backyard
the champion-ay,
wearing pointy-toed shoes
in which he’ll use
to kick Clarence to the curb,
Papi "The Olden Boy" Boulevardez!
It’s fight time, Trudy.
The Smack Hard
of the Backyard!
(bell ringing)
P-P-P-Papi.
Wh-Wh-What are you doing here?
(speaking Spanish) Your son paid me
fifty bucks and a hamburger.
Suga, I don’t believe
I’ve had the pleasure
of meeting this happy fellow.
Clarence, oh, uh, this is
a good friend of mine, Papi.
-Hello, old chap.
-(in Spanish) Hello, sir.
Excuse me, Clarence.
But I need to talk
to Papi alone.
Anything for you,
my beautiful Suga.
(speaking Spanish)
This dude obviously needs glasses.
(cackles)
Papi, I’ve got something to tell you.
I don’t know how
to break it to you.
It’s bad news.
(in Spanish)
You have a twin sister?
Papi, Clarence isn’t just
a friend.
He’s my boyfriend.
(laughs)
(speaking Spanish)
This is the happiest day of my life!
I know it’s hard, Papi.
But please don’t cry.
Don’t cry, Papi.
(speaking Spanish)
Silly woman, these are tears of joy.
(laughs)
(cackling)
Suga Mama, what’s
wrong with Papi?
I told him about me
and Clarence
and it broke his heart.
But, Mama, you and Papi
have been friends for so long.
Don’t you think
you’re rushing things?
Oscar, when you’re my age,
nothing is too quick.
Suga, where did that gentleman
with the hearty laugh go?
Probably somewhere
to drown his sorrows.
(Latin dance music playing)
(in Spanish)
Aw, life is good.
(cackling)
So, kids, who won?
We’re girls, we’re rad ♪
We beat those
brothers bad! ♪
(laughing)
So, Daddy, when do we eat?
Ah, ha-ha.
Children, you must realize
that grilling is an art.
(clears throat) It takes time
to cook the perfect burger.
(sniffs)
In fact
Oscar, the food is burning!
Whoa!
(stammering)
(laughing)
I guess you like
to work in charcoal.
Aw, that’s all right.
Put some hot sauce on it,
I’ll eat it.
Pish-posh. I say we go
to the nicest restaurant in town.
On me.
That’s not necessary, Clarence.
I say it is.
I’m famished, Trudy.
And these kids need sustenance.
You don’t mind if I pay
for everything, do you, boys?
-Go for it.
-You the man, Clarence.
Then it’s settled.
I’m taking my best girl,
her family and friends
to Chez Wizard’s, y’all.
(cheering)
What did I tell
you, Oscar?
My boo goes first
class all the way.
(snaps)
Man! I haven’t eaten
like this since
This morning.
(laughs)
(burps)
Oops. My bad.
(laughing)
Everybody, thank Mr. St. John
for being so generous.
-Thank you, Mr. St. John.
-Good looking out.
The pleasure is all mine.
You know, Clarence,
you are all right in my book.
Thank you, son.
Hold up, Pops!
I’m not your son!
Hush up, boy.
At least somebody wants
to call you "son."
(French accent) I hope everything
was to your satisfaction, monsieur.
Tres bien, garçon.
I’ll take the check now.
And please give yourself
a generous tip.
Thank you, monsieur.
Wow! I’ve never seen that
many zeros in my life!
Yes, you have.
Your zero report cards,
your zero bank balance,
your zero IQ.
Do you want more or have I
refreshed your zero memory?
Here’s a mint.
Now refresh your breathe.
Uh-oh.
What’s wrong, baby?
It seems I’ve forgotten my wallet.
I must have left it
in my other blazer.
(gruff)
Oh, you trying to stiff me, huh?
What happened
to your French accent?
That’s for paying customers, lady.
See, Trudy? I told you
this guy was a hobo.
If he couldn’t afford to pay the bill,
he shouldn’t have invited us to dinner.
Then why don’t you
pay the bill, Oscar?
What, are you nuts?!
That bill’s more than
our house payment.
Look-a-here, pal.
Oh, hush up, garçon.
Suga Mama’s got
figgety-fat pockets.
No, you got pockets
of figgety fat.
(laughs)
(muffled yell)
Are those enough Bennies
for you, Frenchy?
(French accent)
Oui, oui, madame.
Please, come visit
us again soon.
Thank you, Suga, for taking care
of that most embarrassing situation.
Oh, anything for you,
honey lamb.
(smooching)
(laughing)
So what do you think,
Igloo?
Look, Oscar, when I’m on the case,
it’s Detective Hankins.
For 20 bucks a day,
I’ll call you anything I want.
Okay. But remember, man,
I also get mileage.
Fine. Now do you think
you can get me some dirt
on Clarence St. John or not?
No problem, Oscar.
In a couple of days,
I’ll be able to tell you everything
this cat daddy don’ done
since the fifth grade.
Great. Remember,
don’t tell Trudy, Igloo.
She wouldn’t understand me
hiring a PI
to get the 411
on that bum Clarence.
Oscar, this time
you’ve gone too far.
Look, Trudy, I got to find
out about this Clarence
before Mama gets in too deep.
Don’t worry, Trudy,
Detective Igloo Hankins
is on the case.
Detective?! You’re a mall cop.
Hey, plenty of great detectives
started off as mall cops.
Name one.
(music chimes)
(clock ticking)
(clears throat)
Gary Coleman.
Now there.
I’ll talk to you soon, Oscar.
This is
a special kind of love ♪
A special kind of love ♪
A special kind
of love, ooh ♪
This is a special
kind of love ♪
(crying)
A special kind of love ♪
A special kind of love, ooh ♪
Thank you ♪
’Cause you’re so good to me ♪
You promise that you’ll always
stay with me ♪
(screaming)
To make your life complete ♪
When you’re holding me ♪
This is our destiny ♪
(crying)
This is
a special kind of love ♪
A special kind of love ♪
A special kind of love, ooh ♪
This is
a special kind of love ♪
(crying)
A special kind of love, ooh ♪
Suga Mama paid
for everything:
the bungee jumping, skydiving,
hang gliding
Suga Mama paid for all of that?
Yeah.
And that ain’t all, man.
I interviewed
some sweet old ladies
who were romanced and fleeced
by Mr. Clarence St. John, too.
I told you he was a gigolo!
Suga Mama!
All right, Oscar, fine.
We’ve got to tell
Suga Mama.
(laughing)
Mama, I’ve got
something to tell you.
Oscar, it can wait.
-Clarence and I have news for you.
-Isn’t that a coincidence.
Clarence is just the guy
I want to talk to you about.
-Look, Mama, Clarence
-Has asked me to marry him!
-What?!
-I asked Suga to marry me
and she’s accepted.
That’s right.
Next week,
we’re getting married.
(laughing)
Come here, baby.
Suga Mama, I am
so happy for you.
Ooh, thank you, baby.
So, what would I call you?
Mr. St. John? Suga Daddy?
Penny, my dear, you can
call me anything you want.
(yelling)
Hey, Penny’s gonna have
a new granddaddy. Ha, ha!
I love weddings.
This is so romantic.
And I want you girls and Sticky and his
buddies, too, to be in the wedding.
We’ll be there for you,
Suga Mama.
-Yes! Yay!
-Thank you, baby.
LaCienega, can-can I talk
to you for a minute?
Sure.
This is going to be groovy
What’s up, Suga Mama?
Is everything okay?
I want to know
if you’d mind telling Papi
about Clarence and me
getting married.
No, I don’t mind.
Thank you, baby.
I just couldn’t hurt
Papi’s feelings again.
You know, when I told him
that Clarence was my boyfriend,
whoo, he left in tears.
How’s the poor soul doing,
LaCienega?
Um
Oh, Papi, you’re so cute.
Where have you been
hiding yourself all this time?
(speaking Spanish) I've been hiding
from an abominable beast
named Suga Mama.
(cackling)
He seems to be holding up okay.
Oscar, what are we going to do
about Suga Mama and Clarence?
We have to tell him the truth, that she’s
about to marry a no-good gigolo.
Are you sure Igloo
got the facts right?
I mean, it’s not like
he’s a real detective.
For 20 bucks a day plus mileage,
he’s real enough for me.
Look, Trudy, one:
other women identify Clarence
as their former boyfriend;
two: he bilked them out
of all their money;
and three: he’s
a bum and a gigolo
who’s not going to get away
with ripping off my mama.
(sniffs, screams)
(Suga Mama) Oh, nobody’s gonna
rip me off, boy.
What else did you hear us
talk about, Suga Mama?
I heard it all: the detective,
the other women, everything.
Well, I only have one thing to say:
Please don’t hit me,
Mama, please! Please!
Oh, hush up, Oscar.
I’m not going to hurt you,
but Clarence is going
to be your new daddy.
He’s not my daddy!
And there’s nothing new
about him or you.
But Suga Mama, what about the stuff
that Igloo found out about Clarence?
Do you think I’m gonna listen to a fool
named Igloo? Look, you two,
Clarence told me all about the
other women and why he left them.
-They only wanted him for his money.
-(doorbell rings)
What money?!
You paid for everything!
-You ready, Suga Mama?
-Ready, Dr. Paine.
Where’re you going, Suga Mama?
Ooh, to get back in shape.
I only have a week
before I get married.
You are not marrying Clarence,
Mama.
Look, boy, subject is closed.
Now, butt out!
-But Mama, what?
-But Who?!
Respect your sweet
little Suga Mama.
Thank you,
Dr. Paine.
Anything for you,
Suga Bear.
Now, let’s work you out.
Mmm
(Suga Mama)
76 77
(grunting)
(grunting)
-(Dr. Paine straining)
-(punches landing)
You look tense, brah
you need to loosen up.
It’s my world, foo’
(yelling)
(grunts)
Come here! Come here, little
chicken! Come here, come here!
Come here, little chicken!
Gotcha.
I’m a country girl,
you can’t get me.
Suga Mama!
(girls cheering)
(laughing)
(girls)
Yay!
Ha, ha!
(bell ringing)
Wow! Suga Mama is sparing
no expense on this wedding.
She’s lost it, Trudy. She’s gonna spend up
every dime of my inheritance.
I went through a lot
of pain for that money.
Oscar, this wedding
is not about you.
It’s about your mama being happy.
Anyway, I’m sure your mama
isn’t spending her life’s fortune
on this wedding.
Uh, excuse me.
Is this the Proud
St. John wedding?
(gasps)
Smokey Robinson!
(screams)
It’s a miracle!
Oh, come on, he’s
not Smokey Robinson.
Everybody knows Smokey
Robinson’s eyes
are green, and his
eyes are green!
(screams)
Ah, Smokey!
(laughs)
You must be Oscar and Trudy.
Suga Mama warned me
this might happen.
Suga Mama?
How you know my mama, Smokey?
She hired me to sing
at her wedding.
She did?
Huh, Smokey, my good man,
you do realize that my mother
has lost her senses.
Therefore, we won’t
be needing your services.
So, if you’re still looking for a gig,
you’d better shop around,
old chap.
(chuckles)
Well, that’s precisely what I plan to do.
Since my contract is paid in full,
I guess I’ll take the $50 grand
Suga Mama gave me
and try my luck in the casino.
$50 grand?!
Smokey, will you please sing
"More Love" for me?
For $50,000, he’d better sing
every song he wrote.
-Ouch!
-Come on, Smokey,
let’s go someplace quiet
so we can talk.
Hey, Smokey, where are you
going with my wife?
I don’t know, but she’s
really got a hold on me.
You’re cruisin’
for a bruisin’, Smokey.
Lost my inheritance,
Smokey Robinson took my wife,
what’s next?
(Wizard Kelly)
Here’s your mama’s bill, y’all.
And thank you for
having her nuptials
in the fabulous Wizard Kelly
Resort and Casino.
$6,000?!
Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Prune,
that is the wrong bill.
Oh, thank heaven.
This is your mama’s bill, y’all.
$75,000?!
Oh, I’m getting sick!
(groans)
don’t wait ♪
Open your heart
and let my love come in ♪
I want the moment to start ♪
When I can fill your heart
with ♪
More love and more joy ♪
Than age or time
could ever destroy ♪
Ooh! Who’s that babe walking
down the aisle with Bobby?
That’s Suga Mama, Oscar.
Shoot, she really spent
a fortune on this wedding.
What do you mean?
Do you know how much all
that plastic surgery costs?
wear it down,
tear it down ♪
Whoo ♪
(crowd gasps)
(applause)
(clears throat)
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to join this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.
If anyone objects to this union,
let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
(piano keys playing)
(man)
I object!
(Crowd)
Oh!
Maxwell, is that you?
Yes, Father.
We’ve been looking for you.
It’s time to go.
I’m sorry, everyone,
but my father is not
the man you think he is.
I knew it!
Who is this derelict?
This derelict, sir,
is Roscoe Carrington III,
founder and CEO emeritus
of Roscoe’s House of Ribs
and French Toast.
(all gasping)
Clarence, is that true?
It must be, because that’s
my son, Maxwell Carrington.
Wait a minute. If you’re the only
Roscoe’s House of Ribs and French Toast,
that means you’re rich!
Oh, yeah. Mr. Roscoe is the only guy
in this whole country
who’s richer than me, y’all.
I’m sorry for all the
trouble my father’s caused,
but I couldn’t let this
marriage take place.
Are you already married,
Clarence?
No, no. I’m, uh I’m a widower.
(Oscar)
What, you’re single?!
Oh, no, Maxwell,
these two are getting married.
I’m not going to let you
take my rich, new daddy away.
Look, Proud, my father
does this all the time.
(Maxwell) He’ll wander away
from our mansion
on our own private island,
and we won’t see him for weeks at a time.
He always finds support
from some kind, sweet,
usually good-looking lady.
But the truth is,
he doesn’t have a clue
to what’s going on.
Father, what year is this?
Why, it’s 1938.
And who’s the president?
Roosevelt, of course.
That doesn’t mean anything.
Ask me those questions.
I’ll get them wrong, too.
Please, please don’t take
away my real daddy, please!
Oscar, Oscar, it’s okay.
Clarence, I’m sorry to see you go,
but it’s best that
you leave with your son.
Thank you, Mrs. Proud.
Now, here’s the check
that should cover all the money
that you’ve spent
on my father’s behalf.
There is no way that
this little checkbook
Whoa! Thank the man, Suga Mama!
Thank you.
Madam, could you do me a favor?
-Sure.
-Will you tell Suga thank you
for all of the kindness
that she showed me?
I’ll be sure to tell her.
Good-bye, Clarence.
(Penny)
Suga Mama,
I’m so sorry about
Clarence, Suga Mama.
Oh, it’s okay, baby.
Your Suga Mama’ll
be all right. Mmm
Remember what you always
tell me, Suga Mama?
When one door closes
Another one opens!
Thank you, baby.
(stomach growling)
Whoo! Yes, I’m hungry.
See, I haven’t eaten in a week.
(in Spanish)
Wow, what a beautiful woman.
Hello, lovely lady.
Would you like to dance?
Papi!
(gulps)
My Papi!
(in Spanish)
Oh, no. She's back.
(Papi bawling)
Please don’t cry.
Don’t cry, Papi.