The Ranch (2016) s02e19 Episode Script

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, Maggie.
Hey, Abby.
Is your father okay? Yeah, yeah.
No, he had some, uh, shortness of breath and chest pain but he's doing a lot better now.
You know, it's funny.
Dad always says that me and Colt raise his heart rate.
It was actually pretty cool to see it on the screen when we walked in.
Where's Colt? Oh, he's back with Mr.
Bennett.
Rooster got us kicked out for flirtin' with the nurse.
I wasn't flirtin'.
You said, "Girl, you must be stitches, 'cause I wanna take you out in a couple days.
" Tsk.
You guys doing all right with this? I mean, I guess.
I'm just redoing Dad's paperwork.
Check it out.
Under "Social," he wrote "Nope.
" And under "Emergency Contact," he wrote "My gun.
" Under "Any Allergies," he wrote, "Yeah, to stupid fucking questions.
" Mr.
Bennett, how are you doing? Hey, Dad.
Well, I can see that you're frowning there, so I assume everything is gonna be okay.
I told you not to tell anyone.
Yeah, why would you want your family to know? What did they say? They said I'm fine and I should go on home.
No, they said you need to see a cardiologist in Grand Junction.
That your EKG is irregular.
Jesus, Beau.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm going home.
Dad, the doctor said there's a good chance you got a block in one of your arteries.
You might have to have surgery.
Mr.
Bennett, that's not something you want to ignore.
Okay, well, I guess we're gonna ignore that too.
Come on, Dad.
Don't worry.
I got the keys to his truck.
Oh, shit.
He took them from me when he hugged me.
I knew that hug wasn't real.
Are you insane? I had a little chest pain and a shortness of breath.
Same thing happens when I put Tabasco on my eggs.
You know what else you put on your eggs? Half a stick of butter and a block of cheese.
It's probably why you had a heart attack! They called it a cardiac episode.
Yeah.
That's just a nice way of saying it, Dad.
All right? It's, like, the same reason we call Jim and Don down at the framing store "roommates.
" Yeah, my Uncle Pete was healthy, until he had his heart attack driving his tractor.
You know, he had a blockage they call the "widow-maker.
" He was dead before his head hit the horn.
You know, in cartoons, when they drive through the barn and then there's a hole in the shape of the character? Well, that didn't happen.
It was a closed casket.
Dad come on.
Well, this is stupid, all right? You walked away from this one, but the next one, you might not be so lucky.
Let's let's just go to the hospital.
Hospitals are where you go to die.
When James Cobb went in for his appendix, he ended up in a two-year coma.
Imagine that.
You boys coming in to read to me every day me not being able to tell you to shut the fuck up.
Come on, Dad.
Don't talk like that, all right? You're going to be able to tell us to shut the fuck up for years to come.
I'm gonna go to bed.
If you all are still here when I wake up, I'll know I didn't die and go to Heaven.
Dad.
Dad, come on.
This ain't funny.
Dad, you gotta go see the cardiologist! Fuck! You know, it's a miracle your father's lasted this long after all the steak, the whiskey, and his insistence that salt is a vegetable.
Yeah, plus, certain people have been giving him a lot of stress lately.
What do you mean, "certain people"? Someone decided to go behind his back and protest the pipeline then came over here and picked a fight with him right before he had a heart attack.
All right.
You know what, Colt? That's enough.
Mom, you want me to grab your hittin' spoon? Are you saying that I caused his heart attack? 'Cause everything I've ever done is in the best interest of this family, but it's good to know how you really feel.
Wanna know how I really feel? You haven't cared about Dad for years.
First you moved out, then you divorced him, then you ran off with some musician and threw that in his face.
Every time you talk to him, you upset him, and this time you gave him a fuckin' heart attack! Are you serious? Look, I get that you are trying to find someone to blame, but you are way out of line.
- Am I? - All right, Colt.
Shut up, all right? Look the only thing we should be doing here is looking how to help Dad.
All right? Yeah, you wanna know how to help Dad? I'll tell you how Ow! Now, the doctor said Dad's gotta eat better, gotta quit drinking, cut down on stress, okay? So I'm gonna start by helping right now.
You know what I'm gonna do? Take all these whiskey bottles right here I'm gonna bring 'em on down to my cabin.
You know, to help Dad.
Rooster's right.
He's an alcoholic, but he's right.
Take care of your father.
Goodbye, Colt.
I mean, I just Look, I can't get the image of Dad going down out of my head.
Rooster, it was like a tree falling.
Like, what if I wasn't with him? What if I wasn't so handsome? These things are unanswerable.
Look, man, he's gonna be fine.
All right? We just gotta stay positive.
How are we gonna get him to go to the hospital? Well, we can drive him while he's asleep, and then we could decorate the hospital room to look like his bedroom.
Nah.
No, then he'll end up just shooting the cardiologist for trespassing.
We could tell him there's a porterhouse at the other end of that CAT scan tube.
Wait a second.
I just realized.
If we're trying to get the Peterson ranch, we gotta get Dad to sign all those papers by Friday.
Yeah I know, we will.
We just gotta make sure he's still alive on Friday.
Well, what we should do is tell him we're gonna start bombin' North Korea on Saturday.
Give him something to live for.
Come in.
Ooh.
What's going on there, Engineer Jen? You know you don't have to call me that.
Yeah, we don't have to call Meth-Head Randy "Meth-Head Randy," but it helps to know which Randy you're talking about.
Hey Dipshit Colt.
Why don't you get outta here, huh? Yeah.
Uh, see ya, Engineer Jen.
Herpes Rooster.
So, I didn't expect to see you again tonight.
What's going down? Uh, an alarm went off in one of our storage sheds over here.
I came over to check it out.
Did you happen to see anything? Wait a sec.
So every time I steal a saw, a hot chick appears? That is too much power for one redneck.
You know that shed has cameras.
Not no more, it don't.
Is it all right if my guys park a backhoe on your property? Yeah, sure.
You're probably gonna wanna leave me the keys, - you know, in case they gotta - You can't play with the backhoe.
All right, fine, Buzzkill Jen.
Sorry.
I just had a shitty night.
I went back to my hotel, where they were having a wine and cheese party in the lobby - and all they had was Chablis.
- Ooh.
When no one was looking, I stole all their cheese.
Manchego? - Oh.
Pocket cheese.
Nice.
- Mmm-hmm.
How was your day? - Pretty shitty.
My dad had a heart attack.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Is he okay? I guess.
It's weird though, you know? I've always seen my dad as invincible.
You know, one time, he shot himself in the foot with a nail gun, pulled the nail out with the pliers and then filled the hole with superglue.
Went bowling that night.
Rolled a 217.
My dad was the same way.
I think he would have gotten along with your dad if he hadn't died of a heart attack You're, like, varsity-level awkward, you know that? I don't I don't know if I'm, like Yeah, it's just, sometimes, I can get a little It's Yeah.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
You want another drink? I don't know.
I think maybe I've been drinking too much lately.
Mmm.
The housekeeper at the hotel seems worried about me.
She stopped restocking the mini-bar, and she keeps leaving the Bible on my bed.
Yeah, maybe one drink.
Man, you sit all alone in a little, tiny room drinking yourself to sleep every night? That's pretty fuckin' lame.
Hey! Jeez.
Whoa! - What the hell are you doing out here? - Uh Oh, I was, uh, walking by your room, and I heard you coughing.
So I went in to check on you, then I thought if you woke up and saw me standing there, you might have a heart attack.
So then I came out here, and then you almost gave me a heart attack.
Now that's pretty crazy, right? Are you laughing? It's Nope.
Why in the hell is there a bag laying on the floor? Oh, um Actually, uh, it's for you.
It's an overnight bag.
Uh, they're opening up a Bass Pro Shop in Grand Junction.
So I was gonna take you.
You buyin' that? Nope.
- Get some breakfast.
We're going to work.
- No.
Dad, you're coming with me.
I ain't taking "no" for an answer.
That's fair.
How about this? Not a fuckin' chance.
Dad I'm trying to help you.
Don't you wanna live? What I want is for you to get off my fuckin' back! - I told you I'm fine.
- Okay.
- Now just fucking leave it alone! - Okay.
Just take it easy, all right? Look, I'm sorry.
Uh, how 'bout this? Rooster and I will handle everything here today and you Well, the important thing for you is just to not stress.
Well, which is it? Do you want to handle it or do you want me not to stress? Dad This isn't up for debate, okay? If you're not gonna go to the hospital, you're not going to work.
Is that so? Yeah, that's so.
What you're gonna do is, you're gonna sit down, and I'm gonna put on Band of Brothers, and you're gonna spend ten hours sitting on your ass, watching Nazis die, and you're gonna fuckin' like it.
Please.
Okay.
Start with the second episode.
I like it when they get to Normandy.
Come on.
Good.
Good.
All right.
Hey, I, uh If you wanna reach me, to make it easier, I put my number in your phone under "Shithead.
" I already got you in there under "Dipshit.
" That's a good one.
Yeah.
Oh, there I am.
What the hell? Really, Rooster? Hey.
Yep.
I found that thing in the dollar bin at Walmart.
- Do you believe that? - Yes.
Yes, I do.
Thanks for letting me crash here.
I drank way too much last night.
Did we ride a backhoe to Jack in the Box? Don't worry about it.
I just remember yelling "Put the fries in the bucket!" You know, when Colt passes out here, he wakes up on that couch in the middle of the field.
But how do you move a passed-out guy on a couch? Oh, well, you see, that's the genius of it.
Colt doesn't know it, but there's a second couch.
- Last night was fun.
- Mmm-hmm.
You can be quite the gentleman when you try.
Even this breakfast that I'm too hungover to eat.
Well, I disagree.
Every time you blink, I check out your boobs.
Right now.
Did it again.
You should get that mole checked.
- Oh, I have to get to work.
- All right.
But if you don't need to be with your dad maybe we could hang out tomorrow night.
Oh, shit, like, on a date? Please don't make a big deal of this and make me regret it.
All right.
Let's do it.
Whatcha thinking? Hit up a DQ and a monster truck rally? Okay, already regretting it.
I am taking this with me.
It is degrading to women.
It's also super cozy.
- Hey, Maggie.
- Hi, sweetie.
Hey, how's Beau doing? Oh, still refusing to go in for more tests.
But he was in good spirits, though.
When I left, he was watching paratroopers jump into Normandy.
He said that World War II is the only excuse for an American to go to France.
Colt put on Band of Brothers.
Smart.
For Beau, it's like one of those machines that makes the ocean sounds.
Things got a little heated the other night.
Look, if anyone is to blame for Mr.
Bennett's heart attack, it's the chef at Charlie's Steakhouse, who put an item on the dessert menu that just says, "More Steak.
" Yeah, they have three pictures up on the wall there.
The governor of Colorado, John Elway and Beau's mustache.
I know it wasn't my fault.
And Colt's just upset about his father.
And when the Bennett men get upset, they lash out.
Or shut down.
Or drink.
Are you sure you wanna marry into this family? I have a nephew who owns a fan boat.
I'll let you two talk.
Trust me, I get it.
I mean, I have to talk to Colt about something and I think he's going to have a tough time understanding.
Oh, why? Does it involve math? No, I got offered a teaching job in Denver.
Wow, congratulations.
- Oh, what are you gonna do? - I don't know.
I mean, he freaked out when it was just the interview.
Look, I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but it's better to have a difficult conversation than not have one at all.
I know.
I just I have to pick the best time.
I think it's somewhere between when SportsCenter ends and SportsCenter starts back up again.
When I had to give bad news to Colt when he was a kid, I'd always buy him a pack of Big League Chew first.
"You like that gum, buddy? Dad ran over your cat with the riding mower.
" Last night, Charlene and I watched that movie, The Sixth Sense.
You know, the one where at the end, it turns out Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.
Never seen it.
Oh, you ought to watch it.
It's got a hell of a surprise ending.
You know, a lot of people hate him, but I just love that M.
Night Shyamalan.
I often wonder what that "M" stands for.
As far as I'm concerned, it means "motherfucking good filmmaker.
" You know what, Dale? New rule.
If I can't drink, you can't talk.
Well, I thought it was a great story, Dale, but it didn't answer my question.
I'm sorry, Joanne, what question was that? Don't you think Beau should go to the hospital? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
They probably just wanna do an angiogram.
Yeah, they stick a camera in your heart.
That's real natural.
Plus, I'm sure the fucking CIA is watching.
It's no big deal.
I've had a camera shoved up every hole in my body.
My insides have been photographed more often than the Kardashians.
Well, I reckon I better go.
- Well, it's good to see you, Dale.
- You, too.
Go to the hospital.
Otherwise, I'm gonna examine you.
I've got a lot of experience looking at a horse's ass.
Bye, Dale.
Maybe on your way home, you can stop off and pick up some new jokes.
Everybody's just looking out for you.
Why do I have the feeling I'm about to hear another speech? No speech.
You're a grown man.
You can make your own decisions.
Thank you.
Of course, I don't mean that.
Do what I fucking tell you.
I'm serious.
The longer we're together, the more it would hurt to lose you.
And if you have a heart attack around me, I'm driving your ass to the hospital in my Chevy.
Good.
Maybe they can use the defibrillator to jump-start me and your truck.
After work, I, uh, swung by the bar and talked to your mom.
Why? Uh, 'cause what you said really hurt her.
Whatever.
Whatever? Really? Your mom has always been there for you.
Come on.
Who was there when you got busted for streaking at the rodeo? Or when you crashed that kiddie train at the mall into the Sunglass Hut? How about that time you got so drunk in the IKEA and you threw up in the Edeboviken? Why can't you just call it a sink? Why would I call it a sink, when I can call it an Edeboviken? Look when you came back to the family, you were basically dead to your dad.
But your mom, she welcomed you back with open arms.
There is nothing that you could do that would ever make her turn her back on you.
Maybe she's just a better person than I am.
Oh, she's definitely a better person than you.
But that doesn't mean you're so bad that you can't at least talk to her and try and fix it.
All right.
Maybe I came across a little harsh.
Okay, so I'm right? 'Cause I am.
You know you can say it.
"Abby, you're right.
" We're gonna get married, so it's a phrase you should learn.
All right, how do you say "you're right" in IKEA? Swedish.
Okay.
Swedish, Abby.
Swedish.
You know, there's something else I, uh, want to talk to you about.
Oh, actually, hang on.
Mmm.
- That Big League Chew? - Yep.
I used to love this stuff when I was a kid.
Oh.
Mr.
Bennett.
Hey.
There he is.
How you doin', big guy? What the fuck is wrong with you? Nothing.
And there is nothing wrong with you.
Can I get you anything? You want a little Big League Chew? I'll give it to you if you go to the hospital.
God, if you're gonna take me, do it now.
Don't worry, Mr.
Bennett, I'll get Colt to stop talking like that.
I'll miss you the most, Abby.
Thank you, for all your help with my dad.
And my mom.
Oh, and thank you for killing that spider this morning.
It wasn't a spider.
It was a piece of thread.
Whatever.
I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here, babe.
Mmm.
All right, what did you wanna talk to me about? Oh.
Yeah, it's nothing.
It's not important.
Okay.
How do you say "I love you" in IKEA? It's Swedish.
What? So it's the same as "you're right"? Oh, it's like, aloha.
No.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? You're a protestor.
That's cute.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't your fault Dad had a heart attack.
And it wasn't yours either.
Yeah.
Well, I guess that just leaves Rooster.
I'm also sorry about all that other stuff I said.
You're right.
I was out of line.
I didn't mean it, is all.
You sure? 'Cause it came pretty easy to you.
You shouldn't have left, Mom.
And I shouldn't have left either.
Colt that's not right.
I had to live my life, and you had to live your life, and none of that had anything to do with what happened to Dad.
I mean, it's okay to be upset, but don't blame yourself.
I was convinced he was gonna die.
And I just I kept thinking about all them fights we had and how stupid that was.
I get it.
I mean, I know he's going to die someday, but I'm not ready for it to be this soon.
I mean, he's gotta meet his grandkids so they believe me when I tell 'em what a son of a bitch he was.
It must've been pretty scary to see your dad like that.
I just I wasted so much time that, like, I could have been with him.
Look, he's gonna be okay.
I mean, look at the good news.
They found out that your father actually has a heart.
You've gotta get him to go to the hospital, Mom.
You know, at this point, I think it's probably more Joanne's place.
Yeah, well, she tried.
It didn't work.
Mom It's you.
You got this way of saying things to people that they don't want to hear, and then, somehow, it still sinks in.
It's like it's like when you told me that my cut-off jeans made me look like a girl.
That wasn't me.
Who put that note on my windshield? That was your father.
But I'll talk to him.
Yeah? Thanks, Mom.
Hey Swedish.
It's IKEA for "I love you.
" All right I'm gonna head out.
- You coming? - Is that Big League Chew? Hmm.
Yeah.
Abby gave it to me.
Yeah.
She talked to you? Yeah, she's pretty much the reason I'm here.
I hope you told her to take that job in Denver.
Job in Denver? What are you talking about? Oh, shit.
Oh Mom what are you talking about? Uh How's that gum taste, buddy? Now that is how you shotgun a beer.
What's up, Mary? Whatcha doin' out here? I brought some food for your dad.
It's, uh, stir-fried vegetables with curried tofu.
Oh.
Well, that's really sweet.
You wanna throw it out here, or watch him do it in front of you? I don't care.
Darlene made this shit.
I just wanna get it out of my fridge.
You doing okay? Yeah, I'm all right.
It's weird working without Dad.
You know how they say, uh, when you lose a limb, you can still feel it? Well, even though he wasn't there today, I could still hear him calling me a fucking idiot.
You are a fucking idiot.
What's new with you? I am actually getting my degree in hospitality management at the junior college.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I got the management part down.
The hospitality part, though, makes me want to fucking kill everybody.
So, I'm, uh I'm all out of cooler beers.
You wanna come inside for a fridge beer? Uh, no.
I can't keep drinking.
I gotta go do my homework.
Shit.
Imagine where I'd be now if I'd said that in high school, huh? Well - Nice to see you, Mary.
- You, too.
Hey, listen, you, uh You wanna go do something tomorrow night? Just get your mind off all this dad stuff? We could go down to the DQ or hit up the monster truck rally or something? God, you are like a girl version of me.
Yeah, but with a bigger dick.
That is exactly what I would say to me.
Look, I'd love to but, uh, actually, I got a date tomorrow night.
College-educated girl.
- Really? - Mmm-hmm.
You got a college girl? - Yeah.
- What's her name? - Jen.
- All right, that was quick enough.
- What's her last name? - I don't know.
Damn.
That checks out, too.
All right.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Band of Brothers, huh? Yeah, it's better than the show.
In my head, it's all in black and white, except for the Nazis' blood.
Look, I know you said I wasn't welcome here, but I figured you were too weak to do anything about it.
I never should've said that.
This is your home, too.
Thank you.
So, you know you gotta go to the hospital for those tests, right? I know.
So that means you gotta get your ass to Grand Junction.
I know.
What's the problem, Beau? I'm scared, Mags.
You know, I'd rather die checking my cows than laying in a hospital with some doctor telling me to count backwards from ten, with my ass flapping in the breeze.
I mean, they're operating on my heart.
Why do I have to take my fucking pants off? Well, it's okay to be scared.
I mean, we all are.
Why don't you think of your family? Your father died right here of a heart attack, on this ranch.
How was that for you? Don't you wish he would have done something to stick around a little longer? - Of course I do.
- So do it for Colt and Rooster.
Do it for your grandkids, who are gonna want to meet you.
Yeah, the way Colt and Rooster turned out, I wouldn't mind a do-over.
None of us are ready to lose you yet.
So, what do you say? Will you go to the hospital? Will you go with me? Of course.
Thank you.
Obviously, I'll drive.