TripTank (2014) s02e19 Episode Script
The D.O.N.G.
1 [whining.]
Oh, Karen, look.
- Buster's dreaming again.
- Oh, probably chasing squirrels.
[uplifting music.]
[panting.]
[thwacking.]
[funky electronic music.]
[suspenseful music.]
[gun cocks.]
[gunshot.]
[heavy metal music.]
Take that, future Hitler chicken.
[phone ringing.]
- Hello, "TripTank.
" - Look here, man.
- You need to help me, okay? - Sure, I'll do whatever I can.
I put some "TripTank" in my goddamn coffee, - and now I'm freaking out.
- How did you You guys got to put a warning on your show or something, man.
It is irresponsible.
Could we maybe, uh, back it up just a little bit? [laughing.]
What did you do with our TV show? I can't hold it together! I'm coming apart at my [bleep.]
seams.
Uh, sir, I don't think we're responsible for You did this shit to me, "TripTank.
" You did this shit to me.
Uh, okay, let me transfer you.
Ooh.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Aha, well - Get a load of this maniac.
- Oh, hello, boys.
- What the hell are you wearing, Chaz? Oh, this? It's a D.
O.
N.
G.
, a Digital Online Nuerosexual Garment.
Oh, I see, yeah, that's kind of like my W.
A.
N.
G.
suit.
No, Mr.
Winchester, it's nothing like your W.
A.
N.
G.
This D.
O.
N.
G.
is totally original and a new idea.
- What does it do? - This fantastic device utilizes the latest in teledildonic research, employing cutting-edge virtual reality - F-U-F-Me technology.
- Oh, I get it.
No, no, I still have no idea what you're talking about.
It lets you [bleep.]
strangers over the Internet.
Oh, my God, Chaz.
I want one so bad! I knew you would.
But you can't have it.
It's a one-of-a-kind prototype, and I'm not taking it off.
Ohh, hello.
Mm.
[giggling.]
[squelching.]
Polka dot.
Three aliens Came from the sky The galactic council sent them All: # And here's the reason why # Their mission is to study Earth's most average guy All: # See if humans are worth saving # Or if everyone has to die Wait.
What? [channels flipping on TV.]
This is the story of a guy named Jeff He lives with aliens He's stupid and he's dumb What? What are you freaking eggheads doing over there? Jeff, please.
We're doing a very complicated experiment.
I got a complicated experiment for you.
Why don't you figure out what smells worse, my nut sack or my taint? Oh! - What the hell is this crap? - I'd be so mad if somebody humiliated me like that on national television.
Oh, I can't open this.
I guess that makes sense, though.
I can't even maintain an erection.
What does that have to do with opening a jar? Oh, boy, I wonder what my character's gonna sound like.
Wow, Dad's amazing! - We are - Now I'm sad.
Who would do this? Who knows us well enough to write a show like this but cares so little about our friendship that they'd sell us down the river for a quick buck? Shh, Jeff, shut up! You're gonna miss the big musical number.
[gasps.]
All: Sammy! [farting.]
[rapping.]
My name is Jeff.
I got really bad gas.
I got a really stupid face and a really stinky ass.
Word.
[laughs.]
Is that what you really think of me, Sammy? There's obviously some kind of unspoken resentment here, and we got to get to the bottom of it.
[cell phone ringtone playing.]
Hold that thought.
Hey, if it isn't my favorite comedy network! - You give me that phone.
- I trust - You give me that phone! - No! Listen, I don't know who you people think you are, but if you don't take this show off the air right now - Hey, I'm gonna kill you! - Aw, you idiot! Oh, whatever.
Nobody's gonna watch a show that stupid, anyway.
[crowd yelling.]
Over 30,000 people are standing in defiance of the terrorist threat made earlier today.
Oh, no.
Hold on, Jim.
I'm just getting this.
The president is about to weigh in on the matter.
I want the terrorists to know that the full power of the United States Army stands behind "Some Aliens & Jeff.
" This show is everything our country believes in.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Uh If you don't learn how to suck your own [bleep.]
, we're gonna blow up the whole planet! [grunting.]
Dang it! I'm too fat, and my dick is too small! [laughter.]
[sighs.]
Ratings for the show are smashing all records, sending a strong message to the cowardly terrorists.
[gasps.]
I got it.
That's right, if you don't cancel "The View," I'm gonna blow up your whole building, [bleep.]
.
[touch tones beeping, line trills.]
Discovery Channel.
How can I help you? "Alaskan Bush People" cancel it, or you're dead! [indistinct speech on TV.]
Terrorists just threatened "Marriage Boot Camp.
" - Turn it on! - Now there's, like, 37 shows - we got to watch to support America.
- Politics is exhausting.
[static hisses.]
Terrorists: they're this year's tastemakers.
I'm here in Syria, trying to get ahead of this summer's poolside trends.
So which of these thongs do you hate more? [speaking foreign language.]
[screams.]
[static hisses.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're gonna cancel my show just because people are watching a bunch of other shows instead? - Yes.
Oh, thank God.
- I don't care! - [door crashes open.]
Ah! - Get on the ground, you piece of shit! Am I on TV? Am I on TV? Holy shit! - This is amazing! I am on TV! - You say one more word, - I'm gonna blow your head off.
- Hey, everybody! [static hissing.]
[eerie music.]
[static hissing.]
[dramatic electronic music.]
[knocking.]
- You wanted to see me, Coach? - Tommy! My star player.
- Come in.
- Okay.
The new baseball equipment came in this morning, and I wanted you to be the first one to try it out.
Here, give it a swing, sport.
Pow! Home run! You won the game! Can you picture it, Tommy? Your dad's in the stands.
He's so proud.
Mandy Michigan's also there.
For the fist time ever, she notices you in a sexual way.
You two talk and decide to head to a party.
You ask Mandy to follow you to your hatchback.
And there, you let your desires get the best of you and end up having - unprotected sex.
- What? Mandy gets knocked up, and you're forced to give up your college scholarship to help raise the baby.
20 years later, Mandy's 75 pounds overweight and has a fading tattoo of a butterfly on her neck.
You take a good look at her as she chows down on an enormous bucket of chicken wings, and you think to yourself, "What could have been?" What? [groovy electronic music.]
[upbeat electronic music.]
I don't know, man.
I'm just getting tired of eating - hot dogs every damn day.
- Come on, Roy.
Hot dogs are delicious, and you know it.
Boys, fantastic news! I'm getting married! What? You're getting married? No way, Chaz, don't do it, man.
It's a trap.
I met a lovely young woman with my D.
O.
N.
G.
, and we have fallen madly in love.
Oh, boys, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it.
- [shouting.]
Chaz Sinclair is in love! - That's beautiful, Chaz.
I'm throwing myself a bachelor bacchanal at my hillside mansion tonight.
One last taste of sinful lechery before I tie the proverbial knot.
You two simply must be there.
- Whoa, a bachelor party? - Hell to the yes! I'll see you both precisely at the stroke of midnight, with the emphasis on the word "stroke," - if you know what I mean.
- Me thinks we do.
I mean there's gonna be a lot of crazy sex stuff at my place.
That's what I meant when I said "stroke.
" It'll be bonkers.
Trust me.
Prepare yourselves, space travelers, for the most awesome-tastic, fun-dorable adventure of a lifetime, with your pal Me! I'm Ricky the Rocketship.
[whooshing.]
This street belongs to The Cracks, bitch.
[rap music.]
You come up in here, you gonna die, son! [all hollering.]
How about you tell that to my piece right here and this piece right here? This is Murder territory.
Look at my dick, man.
You 'croaching.
Step! I say on the count of "kill these [bleep.]
," we kill these [bleep.]
.
[guns cock.]
- One, two - Wait! [crashes, grunts.]
- Yo, who the hell are you? - Why, I'm Ricky the Rocketship, the most fun-dorable rocketship in the history of ever! - What, you bulletproof, bitch? - No, bitch, I'm a rocketship.
Listen, everybody.
We don't need to fight.
Imagine what would happen if we all got along.
We're all best friends [music.]
Through good and bad weather We can do anything If we do it together Life is very short In the end, we all die So let's enjoy the moment With a tasty pizza pie [gunshot.]
[screams.]
[laughter.]
What an idiot, yo! Oh, you're losing them.
Think.
What would Macklemore say in this situation? Forget all that noise.
Just speak the truth from your heart, Ricky.
Just speak the truth.
Gee, thanks, Macklemore! Oh, yo, and by the way, if you want to buy my new album Nope! Kids, gang violence is nothing to joke about.
We didn't all grow up in the greatest of circle-stances, but we all just came together over a good laugh.
We may be different Hispanic, Black, White, Asianese, or that ethnic group with the tiny elbows.
But you'll see that there's plenty of room on this Earth for all of us if you deny climate change and overpopulation like I do.
Oh, who cares if Jimmy lit up Suzy's house last week - and took out her baby sister - What? That was you? Or that Iggy lobbed a Molotov into D-thug's crib and lit his place up like a Christmas tree? Violence will be get violence until we choose to stop it.
This land is our land, from sea to shining sea.
Let's make it ours together.
[fireworks exploding.]
What do you say? [men screaming.]
No! [grunts.]
Dying sucks.
[exhales.]
Oh, shit! They'll never believe you, Ricky.
Quick, hide the evidence! [whooshing.]
[dramatic electronic music.]
[mimicking news flash music.]
News! Good evening, folks.
And welcome to Shit[bleep.]
shit[bleep.]
News.
[laughs.]
I'm Boot[bleep.]
McGillicutty.
Tonight's top story: [screams violently.]
Well, folks, the weekend is fast approaching, and the one question on everyone's mind is: weather? Our own Ruth Dicksby has more.
You got something for us? Thanks, Boot[bleep.]
! Looks like we got a real humdinger of a storm moving in.
It's bad news for backyard barbecues, but it's good news for tiny rats in newspaper boats! Look at his little hat.
So frickin' cute.
I just want to squish his brains out! And now it's time for The Sports Report! Old Shitsticks is running for his life, but, oh, the dirty pig is outrunning him! 30 feet, 20 feet Oh, he's gaining on him.
And, oh, my, a devastating tackle! I can see bone.
[punches landing.]
Back to you guys in the studio.
Now, as many of you know, the chemtrail controversy is real.
We're joined now by our eye in the sky to give us the scoop.
- Please welcome Scrapey! - Hello, Boot[bleep.]
.
Now, Scrapey, you spend all day with your head in the clouds, literally! [laughing maniacally.]
What can you tell us? It's terrible! All day long, planes fly back and forth dumping chemicals all over the city.
But why would they do this? Because of Obamacare! [snorts.]
Makes sense to me! [spray hissing.]
Oh, Scrapey, I'm sorry.
Hold on a minute.
I'm getting word that that big game is going into overtime! [laughing maniacally.]
[punches landing.]
[screams.]
[growling.]
People, people, please.
I'm sure we can all find a common ground of love and peace.
[screams.]
[electricity buzzing.]
[gibbering.]
Stop it! Stop fighting! This is why I have a drug problem! [snorts.]
[shouting.]
That concludes our broadcast.
Have a great night [screaming.]
And a pleasant tomorrow! [electricity buzzing.]
[groaning and gibbering.]
This is going to get a ton of hits.
[sparse piano music.]
Roy: Holy Caligula! Whoa, it's like "Porky's Three: Porky's Revenge" in here! Oh, no, Roy, we're surrounded by naked people.
I might pop a boner.
What do I do if I pop a boner? What? You haven't popped a boner yet? Boners are the whole point of this deal, man! Oh, boys, you made it! Wonderful.
It's me, Chaz Sinclair.
Hey, Tony! Terrific boner over there, buddy; keep it up.
- Great boners, everyone.
- See, I told you, man.
It's boner time.
Let's get poppin'.
So how does this work, Chaz? You know, what's the protocol for one of these things? Well, first, you start off by taking off all of your clothes.
- Oh, here we go! - This is gonna be crazy.
And then you put on these catering uniforms.
- Oh.
- The serving trays are in the kitchen.
Let's get those finger foods out pronto.
And one more thing, boys: - absolutely no boners.
- Oh, man! [smooth electronic music.]
[suspenseful music.]
[gun cocks.]
[gunshot.]
[heavy metal music.]
Wait.
What just happened? [slow electronic music.]
Cocktail wiener? - Italian sausage? - Wieners, anybody? - Big sausage, right here.
- Ma'am, can I offer you a Oh, I'm sorry, your mouth is already full.
You two look like you're working up quite an appetite.
Care to add some Italian sausage to the mix? I figured I'd run into you guys here.
- Ashley, is that you? - Yeah, I got roped into working this thing too.
When Chaz invited me to his hillside orgy to hand out some taco, I thought he meant something a little sexier than this.
- Taco? - Sausage? - Weiner? - I also have roast beef.
[whooshing.]
Look, Hookey you know I got mad love for you, man, but you ain't gonna work out with the Crips.
Come on, man, I been busting my ass for this gang! Yeah you put your work in, but you color-blind, dog.
- No, I ain't.
What you mean? - What color is this mug? Man, we Crips, man! So it's blue.
Naw, dog, it's red! 'Cause it's my Elmo mug.
- Elmo is red, [bleep.]
.
- All right, man, [bleep.]
it! I'm color-blind.
So what? "So what?" We Crips! We wear blue.
We hate the Bloods.
They wear red.
You can't tell the difference! - I can tell - Look, homey.
I ain't had the heart to tell you this, but you killed 16 of our brothers in the month of July alone! Yeah, who the king now? Huh? Everybody dead! You remember last week when I told you to go shoot up the gray car near the corner of Florence and Crenshaw? Man, [bleep.]
you.
I did that! Yeah, you did, but you shot up every car on the block! [car alarms blaring.]
What you want man? They was all gray! No! You [bleep.]
up.
The boys in blue was all over us! But we the boys in blue! The cops and the Crips both wear blue! That sounds like bad planning.
We should've been blacks.
[sighs.]
Look here, man, I'm concerned for your well-being, dog.
Look, man, I got it.
Hookey, that bandanna you wearing, it ain't blue.
Ah, damn! Look, Nasty D.
Tell me it ain't red.
- Nah, nephew, that shit is pink, cuz! - What? Man, I hate pink! - I think.
- All right look, nephew, when you master the Crips sign and you can identify yourself to your homies, then, and only then, will there be a [bleep.]
place for you here with the Crips.
Yo, thanks, Nasty! I'ma go practice right now! You haven't seen the last of Hookey! - Oh, damn! I forgot about them hooks! - Oh! [screaming.]
[dramatic electronic music.]
[engine rumbling.]
Welcome, friends and participants! I want to thank you all for coming to my bachelor party orgy.
Man: We can't hear you! Oh, can't hear me in the back? Uh, okay, I'll stand up on this chair.
Ahem! Now, if you had told me two days ago that I was gonna strap on a D.
O.
N.
G.
and meet the woman of my dreams, I would have told you, "Ah, 50/50 chance at best.
" [laughter.]
But seriously, everyone, I just can't express how happy I am Hey, Roy, how long do orgies usually last? I mean, do we have to stay to the very end or I don't know, man, but I've been on my feet all day.
My dogs are barking.
You want to grab something to eat after this? Yeah, I could go for a bite.
And now I'd like to bring up my best man, the world-renowned scientist and inventor of the D.
O.
N.
G.
, Professor Klaus Von Genitaux.
[with German accent.]
Oh, thank you Chaz.
When I first developed the D.
O.
N.
G.
suit, I had no idea that it could be used for love.
But Oh, you know what? I can't go out.
- I have boot camp in the morning.
- Oh, yeah? Good for you.
- How's that going? - Good, good, you know, we have back and shoulders tomorrow.
Oh, hey, man, whatever you do, don't neglect that core.
Oh, don't worry.
We do a lot of core.
My core is fierce.
So I'd like you all to raise a glass to Chaz and his beautiful bride-to-be, Listerina.
Oh, man, that Listerina's a real lucky gal.
[dramatic music.]
Citizens of Eggmanland! If I wanted to sleep with your mother, I could! And she would love it! [cheers and applause.]
I come to you with exciting news! I developed a new technology that will revolutionize the way we make food! [cheers and applause.]
It's organic! [cheers and applause.]
It's gluten-free! [cheers and applause.]
It's sustainable and grass-fed! [cheers and applause.]
Behold, the Burger-tron 3000! [engine revving, cannon popping.]
[smacking.]
[chomping.]
It's also a toilet! [fart, plop, flush.]
Gusto Gusto, Gusto rules [ripply electronic music.]
[funky electronic music.]
- You want to try on a new helmet? - Um Try swinging with the helmet on.
Pow! Home run! You won the game! There's a college scout in the stands.
He offers you a scholarship right on the spot.
To celebrate, the team throws a party in your honor.
Literally everyone you know shows up, including the town's drug dealer.
And he offers you some sexy drugs.
And you snort, smoke, and swallow those drugs and drive home under the influence.
You lose control of the car and you run off the cliff.
Two days later, your poor mother finds your body in a ditch.
It's severed in two.
She cries as she tries to reassemble you and then, when your dad finds out, he goes into shock, and his life quickly spirals out of control.
After 20 years of heavy drinking and causally prostituting himself, he finally goes to therapy and realizes it wasn't his fault.
[crying.]
- Uh, Coach? - Yeah, Tommy? Your sons are never coming back.
[crying.]
I know.
[funky electronic music.]
[laughter.]
- You got to be kidding me.
- Right? So I'm walking around Chaz's house for, like, 15 minutes, trying to find a bathroom that isn't just coated top to bottom with lube and [phone ringing.
laughs.]
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Don't finish the story.
I want to hear the end.
- Hello, "TripTank.
" - All right, listen up.
This is the police.
We got you surrounded.
Really? I don't see anybody out there.
We are all hiding, so you won't see us.
- Well, that sounds strange.
- What? What was that? The boss cop just said that we'll let you go with no charges.
All you got to do, come outside, lay all your drugs on the ground, and walk back inside.
Uh, you just interrupted, like, a super hilarious story - that I want to get back to, so - Oh, my God, I think he's gonna do it.
Chaz, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be getting hitched today? No, I'm afraid the wedding's off.
It turns out that the woman I fell in love with in my D.
O.
N.
G.
wasn't a woman at all.
She was some sort of "virtual reality chat-bot.
" - Oh, that sucks, Chaz man.
- Yes.
It seems I've been having sexual relations with a viral marketing campaign for mouthwash.
- I'm really sorry, Chaz.
- I'll tell you this much, though: she did some of the best gargling I've ever seen.
[squelching.]
Oh, Karen, look.
- Buster's dreaming again.
- Oh, probably chasing squirrels.
[uplifting music.]
[panting.]
[thwacking.]
[funky electronic music.]
[suspenseful music.]
[gun cocks.]
[gunshot.]
[heavy metal music.]
Take that, future Hitler chicken.
[phone ringing.]
- Hello, "TripTank.
" - Look here, man.
- You need to help me, okay? - Sure, I'll do whatever I can.
I put some "TripTank" in my goddamn coffee, - and now I'm freaking out.
- How did you You guys got to put a warning on your show or something, man.
It is irresponsible.
Could we maybe, uh, back it up just a little bit? [laughing.]
What did you do with our TV show? I can't hold it together! I'm coming apart at my [bleep.]
seams.
Uh, sir, I don't think we're responsible for You did this shit to me, "TripTank.
" You did this shit to me.
Uh, okay, let me transfer you.
Ooh.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Aha, well - Get a load of this maniac.
- Oh, hello, boys.
- What the hell are you wearing, Chaz? Oh, this? It's a D.
O.
N.
G.
, a Digital Online Nuerosexual Garment.
Oh, I see, yeah, that's kind of like my W.
A.
N.
G.
suit.
No, Mr.
Winchester, it's nothing like your W.
A.
N.
G.
This D.
O.
N.
G.
is totally original and a new idea.
- What does it do? - This fantastic device utilizes the latest in teledildonic research, employing cutting-edge virtual reality - F-U-F-Me technology.
- Oh, I get it.
No, no, I still have no idea what you're talking about.
It lets you [bleep.]
strangers over the Internet.
Oh, my God, Chaz.
I want one so bad! I knew you would.
But you can't have it.
It's a one-of-a-kind prototype, and I'm not taking it off.
Ohh, hello.
Mm.
[giggling.]
[squelching.]
Polka dot.
Three aliens Came from the sky The galactic council sent them All: # And here's the reason why # Their mission is to study Earth's most average guy All: # See if humans are worth saving # Or if everyone has to die Wait.
What? [channels flipping on TV.]
This is the story of a guy named Jeff He lives with aliens He's stupid and he's dumb What? What are you freaking eggheads doing over there? Jeff, please.
We're doing a very complicated experiment.
I got a complicated experiment for you.
Why don't you figure out what smells worse, my nut sack or my taint? Oh! - What the hell is this crap? - I'd be so mad if somebody humiliated me like that on national television.
Oh, I can't open this.
I guess that makes sense, though.
I can't even maintain an erection.
What does that have to do with opening a jar? Oh, boy, I wonder what my character's gonna sound like.
Wow, Dad's amazing! - We are - Now I'm sad.
Who would do this? Who knows us well enough to write a show like this but cares so little about our friendship that they'd sell us down the river for a quick buck? Shh, Jeff, shut up! You're gonna miss the big musical number.
[gasps.]
All: Sammy! [farting.]
[rapping.]
My name is Jeff.
I got really bad gas.
I got a really stupid face and a really stinky ass.
Word.
[laughs.]
Is that what you really think of me, Sammy? There's obviously some kind of unspoken resentment here, and we got to get to the bottom of it.
[cell phone ringtone playing.]
Hold that thought.
Hey, if it isn't my favorite comedy network! - You give me that phone.
- I trust - You give me that phone! - No! Listen, I don't know who you people think you are, but if you don't take this show off the air right now - Hey, I'm gonna kill you! - Aw, you idiot! Oh, whatever.
Nobody's gonna watch a show that stupid, anyway.
[crowd yelling.]
Over 30,000 people are standing in defiance of the terrorist threat made earlier today.
Oh, no.
Hold on, Jim.
I'm just getting this.
The president is about to weigh in on the matter.
I want the terrorists to know that the full power of the United States Army stands behind "Some Aliens & Jeff.
" This show is everything our country believes in.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Uh If you don't learn how to suck your own [bleep.]
, we're gonna blow up the whole planet! [grunting.]
Dang it! I'm too fat, and my dick is too small! [laughter.]
[sighs.]
Ratings for the show are smashing all records, sending a strong message to the cowardly terrorists.
[gasps.]
I got it.
That's right, if you don't cancel "The View," I'm gonna blow up your whole building, [bleep.]
.
[touch tones beeping, line trills.]
Discovery Channel.
How can I help you? "Alaskan Bush People" cancel it, or you're dead! [indistinct speech on TV.]
Terrorists just threatened "Marriage Boot Camp.
" - Turn it on! - Now there's, like, 37 shows - we got to watch to support America.
- Politics is exhausting.
[static hisses.]
Terrorists: they're this year's tastemakers.
I'm here in Syria, trying to get ahead of this summer's poolside trends.
So which of these thongs do you hate more? [speaking foreign language.]
[screams.]
[static hisses.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're gonna cancel my show just because people are watching a bunch of other shows instead? - Yes.
Oh, thank God.
- I don't care! - [door crashes open.]
Ah! - Get on the ground, you piece of shit! Am I on TV? Am I on TV? Holy shit! - This is amazing! I am on TV! - You say one more word, - I'm gonna blow your head off.
- Hey, everybody! [static hissing.]
[eerie music.]
[static hissing.]
[dramatic electronic music.]
[knocking.]
- You wanted to see me, Coach? - Tommy! My star player.
- Come in.
- Okay.
The new baseball equipment came in this morning, and I wanted you to be the first one to try it out.
Here, give it a swing, sport.
Pow! Home run! You won the game! Can you picture it, Tommy? Your dad's in the stands.
He's so proud.
Mandy Michigan's also there.
For the fist time ever, she notices you in a sexual way.
You two talk and decide to head to a party.
You ask Mandy to follow you to your hatchback.
And there, you let your desires get the best of you and end up having - unprotected sex.
- What? Mandy gets knocked up, and you're forced to give up your college scholarship to help raise the baby.
20 years later, Mandy's 75 pounds overweight and has a fading tattoo of a butterfly on her neck.
You take a good look at her as she chows down on an enormous bucket of chicken wings, and you think to yourself, "What could have been?" What? [groovy electronic music.]
[upbeat electronic music.]
I don't know, man.
I'm just getting tired of eating - hot dogs every damn day.
- Come on, Roy.
Hot dogs are delicious, and you know it.
Boys, fantastic news! I'm getting married! What? You're getting married? No way, Chaz, don't do it, man.
It's a trap.
I met a lovely young woman with my D.
O.
N.
G.
, and we have fallen madly in love.
Oh, boys, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it.
- [shouting.]
Chaz Sinclair is in love! - That's beautiful, Chaz.
I'm throwing myself a bachelor bacchanal at my hillside mansion tonight.
One last taste of sinful lechery before I tie the proverbial knot.
You two simply must be there.
- Whoa, a bachelor party? - Hell to the yes! I'll see you both precisely at the stroke of midnight, with the emphasis on the word "stroke," - if you know what I mean.
- Me thinks we do.
I mean there's gonna be a lot of crazy sex stuff at my place.
That's what I meant when I said "stroke.
" It'll be bonkers.
Trust me.
Prepare yourselves, space travelers, for the most awesome-tastic, fun-dorable adventure of a lifetime, with your pal Me! I'm Ricky the Rocketship.
[whooshing.]
This street belongs to The Cracks, bitch.
[rap music.]
You come up in here, you gonna die, son! [all hollering.]
How about you tell that to my piece right here and this piece right here? This is Murder territory.
Look at my dick, man.
You 'croaching.
Step! I say on the count of "kill these [bleep.]
," we kill these [bleep.]
.
[guns cock.]
- One, two - Wait! [crashes, grunts.]
- Yo, who the hell are you? - Why, I'm Ricky the Rocketship, the most fun-dorable rocketship in the history of ever! - What, you bulletproof, bitch? - No, bitch, I'm a rocketship.
Listen, everybody.
We don't need to fight.
Imagine what would happen if we all got along.
We're all best friends [music.]
Through good and bad weather We can do anything If we do it together Life is very short In the end, we all die So let's enjoy the moment With a tasty pizza pie [gunshot.]
[screams.]
[laughter.]
What an idiot, yo! Oh, you're losing them.
Think.
What would Macklemore say in this situation? Forget all that noise.
Just speak the truth from your heart, Ricky.
Just speak the truth.
Gee, thanks, Macklemore! Oh, yo, and by the way, if you want to buy my new album Nope! Kids, gang violence is nothing to joke about.
We didn't all grow up in the greatest of circle-stances, but we all just came together over a good laugh.
We may be different Hispanic, Black, White, Asianese, or that ethnic group with the tiny elbows.
But you'll see that there's plenty of room on this Earth for all of us if you deny climate change and overpopulation like I do.
Oh, who cares if Jimmy lit up Suzy's house last week - and took out her baby sister - What? That was you? Or that Iggy lobbed a Molotov into D-thug's crib and lit his place up like a Christmas tree? Violence will be get violence until we choose to stop it.
This land is our land, from sea to shining sea.
Let's make it ours together.
[fireworks exploding.]
What do you say? [men screaming.]
No! [grunts.]
Dying sucks.
[exhales.]
Oh, shit! They'll never believe you, Ricky.
Quick, hide the evidence! [whooshing.]
[dramatic electronic music.]
[mimicking news flash music.]
News! Good evening, folks.
And welcome to Shit[bleep.]
shit[bleep.]
News.
[laughs.]
I'm Boot[bleep.]
McGillicutty.
Tonight's top story: [screams violently.]
Well, folks, the weekend is fast approaching, and the one question on everyone's mind is: weather? Our own Ruth Dicksby has more.
You got something for us? Thanks, Boot[bleep.]
! Looks like we got a real humdinger of a storm moving in.
It's bad news for backyard barbecues, but it's good news for tiny rats in newspaper boats! Look at his little hat.
So frickin' cute.
I just want to squish his brains out! And now it's time for The Sports Report! Old Shitsticks is running for his life, but, oh, the dirty pig is outrunning him! 30 feet, 20 feet Oh, he's gaining on him.
And, oh, my, a devastating tackle! I can see bone.
[punches landing.]
Back to you guys in the studio.
Now, as many of you know, the chemtrail controversy is real.
We're joined now by our eye in the sky to give us the scoop.
- Please welcome Scrapey! - Hello, Boot[bleep.]
.
Now, Scrapey, you spend all day with your head in the clouds, literally! [laughing maniacally.]
What can you tell us? It's terrible! All day long, planes fly back and forth dumping chemicals all over the city.
But why would they do this? Because of Obamacare! [snorts.]
Makes sense to me! [spray hissing.]
Oh, Scrapey, I'm sorry.
Hold on a minute.
I'm getting word that that big game is going into overtime! [laughing maniacally.]
[punches landing.]
[screams.]
[growling.]
People, people, please.
I'm sure we can all find a common ground of love and peace.
[screams.]
[electricity buzzing.]
[gibbering.]
Stop it! Stop fighting! This is why I have a drug problem! [snorts.]
[shouting.]
That concludes our broadcast.
Have a great night [screaming.]
And a pleasant tomorrow! [electricity buzzing.]
[groaning and gibbering.]
This is going to get a ton of hits.
[sparse piano music.]
Roy: Holy Caligula! Whoa, it's like "Porky's Three: Porky's Revenge" in here! Oh, no, Roy, we're surrounded by naked people.
I might pop a boner.
What do I do if I pop a boner? What? You haven't popped a boner yet? Boners are the whole point of this deal, man! Oh, boys, you made it! Wonderful.
It's me, Chaz Sinclair.
Hey, Tony! Terrific boner over there, buddy; keep it up.
- Great boners, everyone.
- See, I told you, man.
It's boner time.
Let's get poppin'.
So how does this work, Chaz? You know, what's the protocol for one of these things? Well, first, you start off by taking off all of your clothes.
- Oh, here we go! - This is gonna be crazy.
And then you put on these catering uniforms.
- Oh.
- The serving trays are in the kitchen.
Let's get those finger foods out pronto.
And one more thing, boys: - absolutely no boners.
- Oh, man! [smooth electronic music.]
[suspenseful music.]
[gun cocks.]
[gunshot.]
[heavy metal music.]
Wait.
What just happened? [slow electronic music.]
Cocktail wiener? - Italian sausage? - Wieners, anybody? - Big sausage, right here.
- Ma'am, can I offer you a Oh, I'm sorry, your mouth is already full.
You two look like you're working up quite an appetite.
Care to add some Italian sausage to the mix? I figured I'd run into you guys here.
- Ashley, is that you? - Yeah, I got roped into working this thing too.
When Chaz invited me to his hillside orgy to hand out some taco, I thought he meant something a little sexier than this.
- Taco? - Sausage? - Weiner? - I also have roast beef.
[whooshing.]
Look, Hookey you know I got mad love for you, man, but you ain't gonna work out with the Crips.
Come on, man, I been busting my ass for this gang! Yeah you put your work in, but you color-blind, dog.
- No, I ain't.
What you mean? - What color is this mug? Man, we Crips, man! So it's blue.
Naw, dog, it's red! 'Cause it's my Elmo mug.
- Elmo is red, [bleep.]
.
- All right, man, [bleep.]
it! I'm color-blind.
So what? "So what?" We Crips! We wear blue.
We hate the Bloods.
They wear red.
You can't tell the difference! - I can tell - Look, homey.
I ain't had the heart to tell you this, but you killed 16 of our brothers in the month of July alone! Yeah, who the king now? Huh? Everybody dead! You remember last week when I told you to go shoot up the gray car near the corner of Florence and Crenshaw? Man, [bleep.]
you.
I did that! Yeah, you did, but you shot up every car on the block! [car alarms blaring.]
What you want man? They was all gray! No! You [bleep.]
up.
The boys in blue was all over us! But we the boys in blue! The cops and the Crips both wear blue! That sounds like bad planning.
We should've been blacks.
[sighs.]
Look here, man, I'm concerned for your well-being, dog.
Look, man, I got it.
Hookey, that bandanna you wearing, it ain't blue.
Ah, damn! Look, Nasty D.
Tell me it ain't red.
- Nah, nephew, that shit is pink, cuz! - What? Man, I hate pink! - I think.
- All right look, nephew, when you master the Crips sign and you can identify yourself to your homies, then, and only then, will there be a [bleep.]
place for you here with the Crips.
Yo, thanks, Nasty! I'ma go practice right now! You haven't seen the last of Hookey! - Oh, damn! I forgot about them hooks! - Oh! [screaming.]
[dramatic electronic music.]
[engine rumbling.]
Welcome, friends and participants! I want to thank you all for coming to my bachelor party orgy.
Man: We can't hear you! Oh, can't hear me in the back? Uh, okay, I'll stand up on this chair.
Ahem! Now, if you had told me two days ago that I was gonna strap on a D.
O.
N.
G.
and meet the woman of my dreams, I would have told you, "Ah, 50/50 chance at best.
" [laughter.]
But seriously, everyone, I just can't express how happy I am Hey, Roy, how long do orgies usually last? I mean, do we have to stay to the very end or I don't know, man, but I've been on my feet all day.
My dogs are barking.
You want to grab something to eat after this? Yeah, I could go for a bite.
And now I'd like to bring up my best man, the world-renowned scientist and inventor of the D.
O.
N.
G.
, Professor Klaus Von Genitaux.
[with German accent.]
Oh, thank you Chaz.
When I first developed the D.
O.
N.
G.
suit, I had no idea that it could be used for love.
But Oh, you know what? I can't go out.
- I have boot camp in the morning.
- Oh, yeah? Good for you.
- How's that going? - Good, good, you know, we have back and shoulders tomorrow.
Oh, hey, man, whatever you do, don't neglect that core.
Oh, don't worry.
We do a lot of core.
My core is fierce.
So I'd like you all to raise a glass to Chaz and his beautiful bride-to-be, Listerina.
Oh, man, that Listerina's a real lucky gal.
[dramatic music.]
Citizens of Eggmanland! If I wanted to sleep with your mother, I could! And she would love it! [cheers and applause.]
I come to you with exciting news! I developed a new technology that will revolutionize the way we make food! [cheers and applause.]
It's organic! [cheers and applause.]
It's gluten-free! [cheers and applause.]
It's sustainable and grass-fed! [cheers and applause.]
Behold, the Burger-tron 3000! [engine revving, cannon popping.]
[smacking.]
[chomping.]
It's also a toilet! [fart, plop, flush.]
Gusto Gusto, Gusto rules [ripply electronic music.]
[funky electronic music.]
- You want to try on a new helmet? - Um Try swinging with the helmet on.
Pow! Home run! You won the game! There's a college scout in the stands.
He offers you a scholarship right on the spot.
To celebrate, the team throws a party in your honor.
Literally everyone you know shows up, including the town's drug dealer.
And he offers you some sexy drugs.
And you snort, smoke, and swallow those drugs and drive home under the influence.
You lose control of the car and you run off the cliff.
Two days later, your poor mother finds your body in a ditch.
It's severed in two.
She cries as she tries to reassemble you and then, when your dad finds out, he goes into shock, and his life quickly spirals out of control.
After 20 years of heavy drinking and causally prostituting himself, he finally goes to therapy and realizes it wasn't his fault.
[crying.]
- Uh, Coach? - Yeah, Tommy? Your sons are never coming back.
[crying.]
I know.
[funky electronic music.]
[laughter.]
- You got to be kidding me.
- Right? So I'm walking around Chaz's house for, like, 15 minutes, trying to find a bathroom that isn't just coated top to bottom with lube and [phone ringing.
laughs.]
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Don't finish the story.
I want to hear the end.
- Hello, "TripTank.
" - All right, listen up.
This is the police.
We got you surrounded.
Really? I don't see anybody out there.
We are all hiding, so you won't see us.
- Well, that sounds strange.
- What? What was that? The boss cop just said that we'll let you go with no charges.
All you got to do, come outside, lay all your drugs on the ground, and walk back inside.
Uh, you just interrupted, like, a super hilarious story - that I want to get back to, so - Oh, my God, I think he's gonna do it.
Chaz, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be getting hitched today? No, I'm afraid the wedding's off.
It turns out that the woman I fell in love with in my D.
O.
N.
G.
wasn't a woman at all.
She was some sort of "virtual reality chat-bot.
" - Oh, that sucks, Chaz man.
- Yes.
It seems I've been having sexual relations with a viral marketing campaign for mouthwash.
- I'm really sorry, Chaz.
- I'll tell you this much, though: she did some of the best gargling I've ever seen.
[squelching.]