According To Jim s02e20 Episode Script

Oh, honey, if that's the last of the juice, would you make sure to rinse out the bottle, take off the label and put that in with the paper recycling, put the bottle in with the glass, put the cap in with the cans? Oh, and if you notice the bins are full, would you take them out to the curb? Oh, baby! Yeah, uh-huh, right.
That's four people Friday night, 7:00.
Right.
Oh, oh! And it's for my brother Andy's birthday, so He already made the reservation? Oh, okay.
Well, you know what, I'm gonna bring a cake, so He already dropped off a cake? He's there right now? Well, would you please tell him to That's it, that's it.
Give me, give me, give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Okay.
Andy, you are sucking out all the fun of planning this birthday for you.
Your sister really wants to do it, okay? Andy, there's only four of us.
I don't care who you sit me next to.
Hey! What's this? Oh, Andy wanted all of us to have directions to the Olive Garden for his birthday.
There's also alternate routes in case there's traffic.
When he was growing up with you guys, was he always insane about his birthdays? Worse.
You should have seen him interviewing ponies when he turned six.
So, Jim.
I have a question for you and I want you to wait and listen with an open mind before you respond.
No, no.
No, I don't do that open mind thing very well.
Last time I did that, I ended up at Doug and Eric's wedding.
Jim, we're just trying to offer you a job.
Yeah! I'd like to hire you to remodel my office.
I know it's your slow season, so, I thought I'd throw some work your way.
That's really nice, Dana.
Mmm-hmm.
Uh, you know what, I just have a strict policy that I don't work with family.
What about Andy? He works for you.
That's the reason I have a strict policy.
Oh! Hello? Andy.
No.
No.
No! What? He wants us all to wear those tuxedo T-shirts.
No! Okay.
When we knock this wall down, what kind of electrical problems are we going to run into? Huh? Huh.
What? Andy.
Stay with me.
Whoa! Whoa! One second.
And, now! Exactly 30 years ago this minute, I came into the world.
Daddy finally got his boy.
Hope I did you proud, Pop.
Oh, for crying out loud! You've been talking to your dad all day.
Will you knock it off? Oh, excuse me! But, the whole year belongs to Jim.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Well, this one day belongs to Andy.
Oh, along with Voltaire and Petty Marshall.
All right.
Fine.
Help me with these plans here.
Ooh! Ooh! I can't.
I need to get to the mall.
I have a semi-nude birthday portrait I need to sit for.
Will you stay off the pony this year? Hey, hey! Will you keep it down? This is a place of business.
And, by the way, while you're here, I'm not your little sister-in-law.
I'm the tough-as-nails, but surprisingly beautiful, rising executive.
Yeah.
I read the mug.
Dana! Yes, Mr.
Bingham.
I read your ideas for the Christy Donuts account.
Clearly, you've done a lot of work on this.
Oh, thanks.
Unfortunately, none of it's any good.
What? None of it? Well, the staple was pretty much where I thought it would be.
I got a lot of great feedback from the team.
Oh! So, you think this is good.
Well, kind of.
Yeah.
Uh-huh and I think it's crap.
So, tell me.
Who's opinion do you think we should go with? Yours.
Exactly.
Excuse me.
Uh, that's okay.
Worker.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Look, why don't you let me have another pass at it? Forget about it.
I'm gonna give it to Nickman.
Nickman? The bagel cart guy? Well, frankly, I have more confidence in him than you.
Now, either come up with something I can use or you're gonna find you're remodeling this office for someone else.
Got it? Good.
Whoa! What was that about? Dana? Dana, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Why didn't you say something to the guy? Look, he's new here.
We just We got off on the wrong foot and we're trying to work things out.
No! No, no, no! This guy just reamed you out.
I mean, you can't let people talk to you like that, Dana! Jim, will you just let it go? Okay? Dana? I have.
Uh, Dana? What, Jim? This bagel cart guy.
Does he have sandwiches, too? Hey, you got a second? Look, I don't know anything about the remodeling stuff.
Oh! No, no, no, no.
It's not about that.
I was just in the other office and I heard you talking to that lady, and frankly, the way you spoke to her was really inappropriate.
Really? Yes.
Now, I know she can be a pain in the ass, and she's always in your face, you know, she never shuts up.
Even though I never met her before this morning.
But, that's no way to talk to a lady.
That's great.
Why don't you write that suggestion on the wall, then paint over it.
You see, now that's You're doing it again and it's really pissing me off.
Excuse me.
Jody, do I have an 11:00 a.
m.
with a jackass? Okay.
Here's why you're not eating that intercom right now.
Because I want you to understand what I'm about to say.
Don't you ever talk to that woman like that again.
Now, you're pushing her around because you're afraid that she's gonna have your job one day.
And you know what? She will.
You got it? Good.
Now.
Tell me about this bagel cart guy I've been hearing so much about.
Toss this.
Ugh! Toss this.
Hey, here's the remote.
Mommy, is Mrs.
Bishop babysitting us tonight? Uh-huh.
She's old.
And she makes us hold her teeth.
Well, that's because she trusts you, honey.
Well, hello, my beautiful girls! Hi.
How was school today? Good.
What did you do? Nothing.
They don't like me.
They don't like me.
They don't like me.
Don't worry about that.
I found the remote.
Oh, you did? Great! Yeah! Okay.
Ask me what I did today.
Okay, what did you do today? I stood up for your sister, Dana, at her office, big time! Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You see, her boss was reaming her and it got really ugly and it was in front of me, right? So, as soon as Dana left, I told him in a very calm, adult way, that his behavior was inappropriate.
That's one of your words.
- Yeah, okay.
- Then what happened? I got a bagel.
And you threw it at him? No! No! I told him what I wanted to say, he "heard" me, and went back to work.
Uh, wow, Jim! You really did handle that well.
That's right.
You sound surprised.
Well, I am.
Are you? Yes! Well You know what, you try to pin me down, you can't.
First, I'm in the light.
Then, I'm in the shadow.
Where am I? You don't know! Oh, well, honey.
Wherever you are, I am very proud of you.
Yeah? Yeah! Weekday sex proud? Well, how about a great big kiss and a pudding cup? Yeah, baby! I think that's appropriate behavior.
- Hey.
- Hey! What's the matter? I just got fired.
I just don't understand why he had to fire me.
I was doing great work.
Maybe it was political.
I don't know.
I'm just too stupid to figure it out.
- I'm just a big stupid, stupid.
- Oh! Hey! See, I'm in advertising and I can't even come up with a better word than stupid.
Oh! Dolt? I'm sorry! I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry.
I do crossword puzzles while the girls are in dance class.
I've been with Johnson and Novak for eight years.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Oh! Jim? Do you want to come into the living room with me? No, I'm okay, honey.
Jim? What? What? If you wanted me to come with you, why didn't you just come out and say that? I thought I did.
Hey, you guys, I don't think I should go to Andy's birthday party tonight, I'm just gonna ruin it for everybody.
Oh, no, no! Honey.
you've got to go.
We can't have both you and Andy crying.
It'd be just like The Lion King all over again.
Oh, poor Mufasa.
Door.
Door.
Okay.
I'm gonna ask you a question.
But, I'm pretty sure I already know the answer.
Yes.
These are the same pants I wore yesterday.
Okay, Jim.
When you talked to Dana's boss, did you say anything, anything, that might have gotten her fired? Think.
Yes.
What did you say? I said something like, "Don't ever talk to her like that again, "or she's gonna have you job someday.
" But, the tone was much more lighthearted than menacing.
Sweet, kind of uplift How could you do that to Dana? What? Come on, you're always telling me to treat Dana like family.
Well And, well, I did.
Okay, and it felt good.
And, I wish my wife could share in that joy with me.
Well, if you're so proud of what you did, why don't you go in and tell Dana about it? Now is not a good time.
She just got fired.
Have a heart.
She's my sister.
I'm not gonna let her sit in there and beat herself up.
I'm gonna tell her.
No, no, no, no! If you go ahead and do that, you know what's going to happen? She's gonna get mad at me, then I'm gonna get mad at you, and then Andy's gonna get mad at everybody for ruining his birthday.
And then, for some reason, which will forever remain a mystery, I'm gonna get in a fight with the waiter.
She has a right to know.
Look, I know that Andy is excited about his birthday, but he is a big boy.
He'll be fine.
You guys! You guys! It's 6:15.
Hey, Andy! - Hey, it's B.
B.
- Goode, and it's time for today's birthday wishes.
Andy! Don't ruin this for me.
Happy birthday, Dustin.
You're five today.
Terry is eight, and turning 30 today Here it is.
Randy! No! Andy.
It's Andy! Not Randy! You've had my postcard for six months.
Well, go ahead, tell her.
Jim! Now is not a good time.
Oh! Jim! Yes.
Did you just undo your belt? Honey, a runner always stretches before a marathon.
- All right, Dana.
- Honey, slow down.
Come on, this is Andy's night.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Oh, God, I'd like to see how you react after getting fired.
Oh, no, that's right.
You haven't worked in 10 years.
Hmm.
Hey! Raising three kids is a full-time job! Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, so is having a full-time job.
Surprise! Why do we have to do that every time he goes to the bathroom? Okay.
I know I said I wanted to wait till after dinner, but I want to open my presents now.
Hmm.
Oh, my God! A watch! Dana, this is incredible.
It's not the one I registered for, but I love it.
Thank you.
Ooh! Here.
My present to you.
What's this? Your new paycheck.
You're giving me a raise? Andy, you're a big part of what we do, and I couldn't do it without you.
Happy birthday.
Well I don't know what to say.
Well, I'm just gonna speak from the old four-chamber lounge here.
Um I love my job.
I do.
It's my identity.
It's my life.
I love waking up in the morning knowing I have somewhere to go where I'm appreciated.
Well, most of the time.
Just kidding, Jim.
Don't fire me.
No, but, seriously, I just can't explain the amount of self-loathing I would be experiencing right now if I didn't have a job.
Oh, Dana! Now the floodgates are open.
Oh, Andy! Look, she's so happy for you! Andy, sweetheart, do you want go powder your nose? Uh-huh.
Jim! So Have you decided what you're gonna have for dinner? The Tuscan T-bone.
Wow! You know, my dream is to send my girls to college but, if you're hungry Dana.
What? You know, I know you feel like you got fired because you screwed up.
But, that's not the truth.
Yes, it is, Jim.
How could God put such incompetence inside such a good-looking person? It's just so wrong.
You didn't do anything.
It was me.
- What? - It was me, Dana.
I got you fired.
What? Well, after your boss laid into you like that, I had a little talk with him and I tried to be cool, but I might have said something that scared him.
Like what? Yeah, you know, just, never to talk to you that way again, and that you'd probably have his job someday.
But, how about the Capellini Pomodoro? It's reasonable.
What? I've had it.
It's delicious! Jim, how could you do this to me? I told you to stay out of it.
I was just trying to help, Dana.
I don't need you to speak for me.
Well, apparently, you do, 'cause you didn't stand up for yourself.
That was a choice, Jim.
What kind of choice is that? Letting someone talk to you that way? Treat you like crap? You just don't get it, do you? Yeah.
Bingham was a jerk.
But I was willing to put up with certain things because I really liked having a job.
And now, because of your help, I'm gonna have to go in there tomorrow and beg that creep to take me back.
Well, thanks, Jim.
Thanks a lot.
Finally, a thank you.
Jim, where's Dana? Well, apparently, there's no time that's the right time to talk to her.
Surprise! Surprise! Oh, Mrs.
Bishop, don't even worry about it.
I'm sure they're here somewhere.
Oh, yeah, no, I'll just ask the girls.
Okay, yeah.
Don't even worry about it.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Girls, where did you hide Mrs.
Bishop's teeth? In the cookie jar.
Hey.
Hey! I've been calling you all day.
Where have you been? I was cleaning out my office.
You need a half a dozen staplers? How are you? Oh, - I've been better.
- Yeah.
I'm really sorry about running out on Andy's party last night.
I hope I didn't ruin everything.
Please.
Don't even worry about it.
Unlimited bread sticks go a long way.
Look, honey, I know you're upset with Jim.
But, you know, like everything else he ruins, he does it out of love.
Yeah, I know.
I was halfway to the office, to beg that creep for my job back when I thought, wait a minute, Bingham's a jerk.
And, I'm not incompetent, you know.
I'm I'm great.
I'm amazing.
Ah! Yes, you are! What are you gonna do now? - I don't know.
- I just I don't know.
Hmm.
I've never been out of work before.
I just know that I'm not gonna let myself be treated like that again.
Well, good for you! Yeah.
So, Jim was right.
Yeah.
It's just one slap in the face after another.
All right.
Let me ask you something.
Hmm.
If you could do anything you wanted, Yeah.
what would you do? Okay.
This is crazy.
I have always wanted to be a traffic reporter.
Oh! You know, hovering above the city in one of those choppers.
Yeah.
Speaking of choppers I've got to get these back to Mrs.
Bishop.
I know! Would you watch the girls for me? Yeah.
Thanks, honey.
And the Eisenhower's just a mess, it's backed up all the way to the Tri-State toll road.
I recommend taking surface streets, Ron.
Especially the way you drive.
Okay Oh, well, it's the truth! Okay.
In Chopper 7, this is Captain Dana, "The Sky Hottie.
" Hey! Hey.
You ran out of that restaurant pretty quick last night.
Yeah.
You never got to have your Capellini Pomodoro.
Oh! I wanted the Tuscan T-bone.
Yeah, but it wasn't your birthday.
Thanks.
Mmm.
Did you want some? All right.
I'm gonna be a traffic reporter.
In a helicopter? Yeah.
- That's cool.
- Yeah.
Leave some for me.
Leave some for me.
Leave some for me.
It's good.
It's really good.
Hey! Hey! I thought I fired you two chimps.
Uh, yes, sir, you did.
We're just picking up our stuff.
Yeah.
You really changed your tune, didn't you? See what happens with people who cross Rod Bingham? You want to play with the big boys, you better be a big boy.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Hey, big boy!