Adam Ruins Everything (2015) s02e20 Episode Script

1 The ancient world.
Journey with us to Ancient Rome, where bloodthirsty gladiators battled to the death! Are you not entertained?! To Ancient Greece, where a tiny force of 300 Spartans defended their homeland from invading Persian barbarians.
This is Sparta! And to ancient Mesopo Okay, cut.
Cut the music.
Conover, I see you! You're behind the rock.
You were gonna interrupt me, weren't you? Yeah.
Were you gonna be the rock? Yeah.
Let's get this over with.
Actually, the history of the ancient world is way more fascinating and messed up than Hollywood makes it out to be.
Oh, a rock.
I'm so surprised.
And I'm Adam Conover and this is "Reanimated History-yyyyyyyy" Closed Captions Provided by truTV The Coliseum.
It was in this vaunted arena that the masses satisfied their bloodlust as they watched lethal and skilled gladiators fight to the death.
As slaves or prisoners of war, these gladiators were forced into battle and had but one choice: win or die.
Sometimes the only hope of a fallen gladiator lie in the whims of the Roman emperor.
Will this fallen warrior survive to fight another day? Or will he be fed to the lions? Actually, gladiatorial contests were way more tame than this.
So whoever told you this version must have been lion.
Boo! Oh, God, no! Puns?! What are you talking about, Adam? This was blood sport! Nope.
In fact, for most of gladiatorial history, intentionally killing your opponent was against the rules.
That's why only one in ten matches ended in a death.
But I thought gladiatorial combat was pure mayhem! They actually had rules? Yup! As well as umpires to enforce them.
All right, gents, I want a good clean fight.
No head shots from behind, no eye-gouging, and be sure to keep those genitals well-covered.
We don't want anyone losing their bits.
Touch weapons and fight! - Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! And these umpires were scrupulously fair.
In fact, if your opponent fell by accident the umpire would stop the match and let him get up.
Please, let me help.
Nah, you're too kind.
But the most important rule: No killing! Gladiators were actually trained to subdue their opponents rather than flat-out kill them.
Beware my deadly trident! Which is mostly just for show.
I'm really more of a net guy.
But if no one dies, how do we know who wins? Easy! A match would actually end when a gladiator was wounded, got too tired, or just held up a finger to tap out.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow ow, ow, ow! Okay, I give up, I give up! What? But that cuts down on all the awesome murders and decapitations.
Why would they do that? Because gladiators were expensive.
Many were fed, clothed, housed, armed, and trained by owners called lanistae.
You're up next, kid.
I want you to float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, and avoid damage like an uninsured rental car.
Go! And it would be a very poor investment if half of your roster was killed every match.
Oh, God, no! His resale value is ruined! Thanks a lot! That's why archaeological evidence suggests gladiators had healthy diets and received quality medical care.
Due to all of this, some gladiators were able to fight in upwards of 40 battles; similar to a modern-day boxer.
And improving his record to 40 and 0, The Butcher from Baetica! Ah, it's just a stage name, folks.
I wouldn't butcher anyone.
I'm a professional.
All right, maybe the matches were safer than I thought.
But it doesn't matter because at any moment the emperor could decide to kill them! Sorry.
While, on occasion, an emperor or sponsor would demand a fight to the death, it was rare and generally frowned upon.
In fact, Rome's first emperor outlawed fights to the death entirely.
I decree this arena death free! Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of sand? But the spectators! Didn't untamed masses thirst for blood? Nope! They were actually more like fans at a sporting event.
Come on, Butcher! Let's go, let's go! The truth is, being a gladiator was a lot like being a modern celebrity athlete.
Gladiators' portraits graced the walls of public places children played with small clay gladiator dolls Uhh, it's an action figure.
and the most successful fighters even commercially endorsed products.
On the field you may know me as The Butcher.
But off the field I'm just a guy who loves fish.
And I always get my fish at Octavius' fish mongery.
There's no fish like an Octavius fish.
And gladiators were considered sex symbols.
Merchants would even bottle their sweat to be used as an aphrodisiac.
Get your Performus Maximus here! Fresh from the source! Ohhh The fame appealed to some people so much that they voluntarily signed up to be gladiators.
Even emperors wanted in on the action.
Reportedly, Caligula, Titus, Hadrian and Commodus all staged elaborate bouts just for the chance to feel like a gladiator.
I am emperor of Rome.
Come at me, gladiator, and I will defeat you! So you're saying being a gladiator was the best thing ever? Not entirely! At certain points in Roman history, only half the gladiators were volunteers.
The rest were slaves.
And, obviously, slavery was a true horror.
But if you had your pick of what type of slave you could be, you might choose to be a gladiator slave.
That's because gladiators were fed, cared for, and, if they were good enough could even win their freedom.
You have fought bravely, gladiator.
I grant you your freedom! But, even then, the appeal of being a gladiator was so great that many would choose to fight until they died, or become gladiator trainers themselves.
Thank you, Emperor.
With my freedom I choose to fight in this arena forever! Are you not entertained?! All right, you made your point, Adam.
I guess my whole conception of Ancient Roman gladiators was wrong.
I just wanted to see some Romans get decapitated! Ooh, well, if it's violence you're after, have you heard the story about the brutal, badass woman who took on the entire Roman Empire to avenge her people? Let me guess, you're gonna tell me about it.
Yup, it's a pretty great tale.
Boo! Ke that! Ha-ha.
That's the price you pay for punning.
The Roman Empire was the largest and longest-lasting empire in the ancient world, covering territory from the Middle East all the way to the western edge of Europe.
But one region that was particularly difficult to conquer was modern-day Britain.
Ooh, is this going to be like "Braveheart"? Yeah, except truer! This story is about a woman who bravely took on the entire Roman Empire.
Her name was Boudica and she's an Unsung Badass of History.
The year was 41 AD and the Roman Empire was reaching its peak.
But Emperor Claudius wasn't satisfied with the size of his empire.
So he set his sights on Britannia.
Sire, we don't currently control that island.
Well, I already started coloring it so now we have to invade it.
Invade Britannia! At the time, Britannia was a disjointed collection of tribes.
And over several years, Roman invaders began seizing their land and wealth.
Boudica, my love.
The Romans' numbers and weapons are too great.
We have no choice but to tolerate their presence here.
Never! We may be king and queen of only one tribe, but together we may just be mighty enough to face the invaders! Think of our daughters! We must be alive to protect them.
We cannot fight.
The Romans continued to subjugate Britannia for a decade, but in 54 AD, Emperor Claudius was mysteriously poisoned.
I am such a good colorer.
His nephew, Nero, would become emperor of Rome.
Nero quickly became one of Rome's most infamous and brutal emperors Tightening the yoke of oppression on the Celtic people.
I want you to build a memorial in honor of my uncle Claudius, who I did not poison, and I certainly do not feel guilty about poisoning.
Keep working, you heathen! Enough is enough.
We cannot be slaves in our own land.
We must unite and fight back! Kill them all.
You heard the emperor.
Kill them all! This is the price for disobedience.
Daughters, you must hide.
Ah, Boudica, is it? Boudica was beaten, her daughters were raped, her husband was killed, her estate seized and her lands desecrated.
She was left with nothing.
I seek vengeance.
I will rise up, unite our tribes and destroy the Roman scum! Boudica managed to unite the warring tribes for the first time in history, eventually amassing an army of over 230,000 Celts.
They have taken our homes, murdered our families, enslaved our people.
We must fight back.
We must defend our homeland! Whoa, that's a lot of Celts.
Or is it pronounced "Selts"? No, I'm pretty sure it's a hard "C.
" Keep working, you maggots! The only maggot here is you.
Who dare say such a thing?! The name is Boudica.
Over many months Boudica drove the invaders back.
And finally, she set her sights on Britannia's largest city, Londinium.
Emperor, Boudica's forces have taken Londinium.
Let's just abandon Britannia.
Sire, allow me to eliminate the threat myself.
I'm scared.
I know they're too well equipped and we don't stand a chance, but we'll fight without one.
Attack! Despite outnumbering the Romans, Boudica's troops were unable to defeat the Roman army.
While the Romans were heavily trained and armed, the Celts didn't even have shields.
We will not make a martyr of this Boudica.
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The Romans decided to end the excessive tribute payments and severe punishments they'd imposed, for Boudica had shown them that the Celts were not to be trifled with.
And the Celts gave Boudica a hero's burial.
For Boudica! That's why she's an Unsung Badass of History.
Gotta hand it to you, Conover, that was better than "Braveheart.
" But I bet I can beat it.
It's time for my favorite story from ancient history: The Battle of Thermopylae, where 300 Spartan warriors saved western civilization! Eh, that story isn't entirely true.
I'm living in a nightmare.
The year was 480 BCE.
An army of Persians led by the slave-driving god-king Xerxes was intent on destroying Greece.
Ha! Puny Greeks.
I'll make slaves of you all! I love slaves! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! The only thing that stood in his way were 300 soldiers from the Greek city-state of Sparta, led by their king, Leonidas.
We must defend freedom! We must defend Greece! Spartans! Tonight we dine in Hell! Despite the fact that they were vastly outnumbered, the 300 Spartans somehow managed to kill thousands of Persians.
Their brave sacrifice TEST TEST TEST TEST TEST TES TEST TEST TEST TEST TEST TES TEST TEST TEST TEST TEST TES TEST TEST TEST TEST TEST TEST.
This is Sparta! This is inaccurate! And it is super violent.
No, no, no, no, no! Don't take this away from me, Adam.
"300" is my favorite movie.
Ooh, remember when Leonidas kicked that guy down the well? That was awesome! Awesomely wrong! Starting with the title.
The number of troops under Leonidas' command at this battle was way higher than 300.
While it's true that Leonidas had 300 Spartan warriors, each of them likely had a number of attendants who would help with armor, weapons, and even fight alongside them.
On top of that, there were thousands of troops from other Greek city-states at the battle.
Bringing the total number of Greeks fighting the Persians at Thermopylae to upwards of 7,000.
Well, whatever.
Those 300 Spartans And their 6,700 friends Fought to the death to uphold their values of freedom, democracy and western civilization! Except the Spartans valued none of those things.
In fact, Sparta was an authoritarian society where everything served the needs of the military.
It was actually more like North Korea than the United States.
This is about to get a little dark Not really appropriate for children.
You think you can handle it? Please, Adam, I'm not a baby.
Well, that's good, because in Sparta babies were murdered.
From birth, parents would hand newborns to officials for evaluation.
This baby is puny and weak! Historians believe that in some cases if a baby was deemed defective, and of no future value to the state, they were literally thrown off a cliff into a pile of discarded baby corpses.
If a boy was deemed acceptable, he was forced to become a soldier.
Congratulations.
You are not puny and weak.
You get to die in battle! The training was merciless and brutal.
It began at age seven, during which children could be beaten, tortured, or sent into the woods or mountains alone to survive.
Well, at least they'd come back hardened soldiers.
No.
If they came back alive, they'd become a concubine and were made to perform sexual services for former soldiers.
Oh God.
That was not included in the movie.
Next, they'd have to murder a slave in cold blood Okay, that's enough! Geez, I thought the Spartans were the good guys! Yeahhh, unless your definition of "good guys" is "warmongering, slave-driving, baby-murdering child molesters" It most certainly is not! Then they weren't.
The movie's representation of the Persians is way off too.
Xerxes actually looked more like this.
And if you're comparing Persia to Sparta, Persia doesn't come off half bad.
Hi, I'm Xerxes the Great, and if you want to be part of an empire that will respect your values, there's no place like Persia: the world's first multicultural polity.
My empire is probably the safest place in history up to this point.
You don't see people getting murdered in my well-planned streets, do you? And we value rational scholarly traditions like the scientific method.
We'd love for you to join our empire.
And unlike those other empires, we promise not to murder or rape you.
We'll even let you keep your rulers, maintain your culture, have your own democracy, and, hey, I'll even participate in your religion to gain favor with your local gods.
It's a little something I like to call "diplomacy.
" Persia: We take the "ire" out of empire.
The Persian Empire was so appealing that some Greek city-states actively rooted for it, or even helped it in battle.
B-but if the Persians weren't a horde of invading barbarians trying to smash Greek civilization, why do we view them that way today? Because almost everything we think about this war and the people in it comes from just one guy named Herodotus.
And he was a Greek.
Herodotus is known as the father of history because he was the first historian to methodically chronicle events and put them into a narrative.
But when it came time to present that narrative before the public, Herodotus painted the Greeks positively and the Persians negatively.
And so the multicultural polity that comprised the Persian Army Uh, the, uh, the soulless Eastern hordes.
Hooray! Herodotus took creative liberties that framed the Greeks as noble vanguards of civilization, and the Persians as ruthless barbarian invaders.
Ooh, take this down.
And so King Leonidas and his brave 300 Spartan warriors refused to bend to the will of the god-king Xerxes and his ghoulish hordes of slave warriors.
They fought to the last man, inspiring all of Greece to rise up and defend democracy, freedom, and western civilization.
Wait, that's exactly the plot of the movie "300.
" Yeah.
In fact, if you take Herodotus's biased account as fact, the movie is shockingly accurate.
A large number of the lines in the film are direct quotes from Herodotus himself.
This Herodotus guy is a really unreliable narrator.
And I guess that makes me an unreliable narrator too.
Oh no.
I'm going to be fired and forced to narrate industrial videos.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
We've all been influenced by Herodotus.
In fact, the whole way we view the world was changed forever due to one major concept he introduced.
And that concept is Archers! Fire! Run, Adam! All the Spartans at Thermopylae died! Uh I'll get back to you.
Oh boy.
Run, Adam! All the Spartans at Thermopylae died! Actually out of the 300, only 298 died.
Archers! Fire again! Okay, not gonna push my luck.
Okay, so how did Herodotus change the way we view the world? Well, before Herodotus, there was no concept of a noble West versus a mysterious, barbaric East.
That narrative was introduced by him, and it's influenced the world ever since.
From the Crusades to European imperialism to today's war on terror, Herodotus's narrative of a civilized West versus uncivilized East has shaped the way we tell these stories.
Kind of a bummer that the Persians didn't have their own Herodotus at the time.
Exactly! Since Herodotus's work is one of the only surviving histories from this time, we never got the other side of the story.
But that's the way history works sometimes.
It's not a bunch of irrefutable facts.
History is written by people.
And people aren't perfect.
Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
What are you doing? This is my show.
You don't get to close it out.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
And remember, everyone, history is written by people.
And people aren't perfect.
Hey, that was my line.
Sorry! Can't hear you over the music.
Hi! I'm Emily Axford, and this is Same Time, Different Place.
Around the same time the Romans were conquering parts of Europe, North Africa, and Asia Minor, a man in China named Cai Lun was inventing something that would allow future generations across the globe to more easily preserve history.
That something was paper.
Before the invention of paper, Chinese scribes would write on bamboo, which was heavy, brittle, and hard to carry.
Ah, and that finishes the history of our culture! Now to take this to the emperor! Annnd can't lift it.
Oh well.
Looks like our culture will be forgotten forever.
Next, they tried painting on cloth or silk, which was difficult and expensive.
That's all the silk I can afford.
Guess that's the end of the book! But one day, one of the emperor's eunuch advisors had an idea.
Side note: He was a eunuch because back then enterprising young men who wanted to move up in the world would have to get their junk chopped off so as not to be a threat to the emperor's lineage.
Enough playing it safe.
I'm a young go-getter and I'm going to be somebody! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow What we do for our jobs.
Anyway, this particular go-getter was named Cai Lun, and he had an idea.
I'll just boil up all this garbage and pound it together.
That will make a substance that is light, durable, and write-on-able! And so, using tree bark, discarded cloth, hemp waste, old rags, and fishnets, he developed a process to create modern-day paper.
He took this invention and presented it to the emperor.
Your greatness, I have invented paper.
Hmm, hmm hmm! This invention will catapult our empire into immortality! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Cai Lun's ingenuity should have granted him riches and land but good fortune was not to be.
One day, an empress asked Cai Lun to spread rumors slandering a member of the royal family.
Cai Lun.
I need you to spread a dirty rumor about my uncle on your new paper invention.
Despite being a subversive act, Cai Lun could not refuse the request of an empress.
Your wish is my command.
When the emperor found out about this slander, Cai Lun was extremely ashamed.
This shame is the worse pain I have ever felt.
And, yes, I'm counting you-know-what.
Wracked with shame over his actions, Cai Lun took a warm bath, dressed himself in his finest elaborate robes, and drank poison.
May I be remembered for my good deed rather than my misdeeds.
Cai Lun would go on to be remembered for his important invention, which spread like wildfire, making its way to Korea and then Japan.
And by the Middle Ages, paper was in use all throughout Europe and Asia.
And its what made our knowledge of history And of him possible today.
So here's to Cai Lun, the inventor of paper, without whom we'd still be writing on wood.
Man this is hard! Closed Captions Provided by truTV