ALF s02e20 Episode Script
You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog
This is pretty hefty punishment, For breaking one measly chimney.
Hey alf, watch this ! Interesting.
It's a dog ! I can see that, But it wrecked your stick trick.
What was supposed to happen ? That was it.
That's how you play fetch.
Fascinating game.
Right up there with watching golf.
You want to throw one ? All right, what harm could it do ? [ Glass breaking .]
[ Gasp .]
Hi.
Hi.
What are the chances that the crash i just heard Was the ochmoneks breaking their own window ? Slim and none -- And slim is out of town.
Where did this dog come from ? She followed me home from school.
Hey, tanner ! Alf, you'd better hide, While i, once again, take the blame.
Thanks willie.
You're a prince.
I'm a king.
Good afternoon, guys.
Does this look familiar to anyone ? Gee, i'm sorry.
Brian and i we were just Sort of Here's $20.
$80.
$80 dollars ? Yeah.
I'm putting in plexiglass this time.
It'll be cheaper for you in the long run.
Good planning.
Thanks.
I'll see you.
So long, trevor.
She sure is a pretty dog.
Can we keep her ? Yeah, willie.
Can we, huh ? I don't know.
I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.
Can't we just keep her until we find the owner ? Well, i guess so.
As long as it's okay with your mom.
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody ! I didn't know you liked dogs.
What's not to like ? They're loyal, obedient, They hate cats [ Growl .]
And those who eat them ! ** Hi, there.
Gordon shumway.
Nice to meet you ! Interested in a new buick ? Nice try.
Wait a minute.
One of these steaks is missing.
Alf ! I didn't.
Honest ! I looked, but i didn't touch.
You did so touch ! All right, i touched.
But i didn't eat ! I'm supposed to believe one of these steaks Just got up and walked away on its own ? I've seen stranger.
That's it, alf.
No dinner for you tonight.
But i'm starved ! I've been fasting since lunch.
Well, i did eat that pumpkin.
Anyone lose a steak ? [ Clears throat .]
Okay, alf.
I'm sorry i accused you.
Apology accepted.
I'd hate to be in your paws, You cattle rustler ! Bad dog ! Oh, i didn't mean it.
No, she didn't mean it.
You're a good dog, aren't you.
Yes you are.
Come on, pup.
Come on.
[ Mimicking .]
good dog, yes you are.
This is an outrage ! That dog should be flogged on the quarter deck, Whatever that means.
Alf, she's just a dog.
She doesn't know any better.
Ignorance is no excuse.
Ignorance is your excuse all the time ! I don't know what you're talking about.
Watch this.
Speak ! Ha, ha.
Okay, sit! Oh, that is so cute ! Talk about stupid pet tricks ! Letterman would have a field day with this one.
Well, i put up a bunch of those dumb posters.
I still hope nobody claims alfina.
Alfina ? Oh, don't you just hate that name ? What a good girl.
Canine kiss-Up ! I still think we should offer a reward To anyone who claims that dog.
You don't offer a reward when you find a dog.
You offer a reward when you lose it.
Okay, i'll give you $5 to lose alfina.
Alf ! Kidding ! I'm a funny alien.
Ha ! Ha ! [ Door bell .]
I know the routine.
[ Mimicking snagglepuss .]
exit, stage right Where is he ? Where's who ? My dog, that's who.
You found him, didn't you ? Well, yes we did.
That is to say, we found a dog.
He's mine ! Where is he ? It's not a he.
She's a she.
I knew that.
Is that her ? Don't you recognize her ? Of course i do.
Come here dog ! [ Growl .]
She doesn't seem to be responding to you.
We had a fight ! She'll get over it.
Do you suppose This is just a thought That you might be mistaken about this being your dog ? I lost a dog.
You found a dog.
Can we do business or not ? I think not.
Here's my address and phone number, In case you change your mind.
[ Yelling .]
have a nice day ! [ Whining sounds .]
Oh ! [ Whining .]
Alf, why did you do that ? Well, i could have licked your hand, But i didn't think either of us would enjoy that.
You're right.
I much prefer a blow to the head.
As you wish, master.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'll read that when i get up -- In 3 hours.
What are you two doing ? Alf thinks he's a dog.
Apparently, dogs can't tell time.
Actually we can, but we have so few appointments, Why bother ? Alf, you're not a dog.
Well, i wish i were.
Dogs get treated better than aliens around here.
Ahhh.
Is nothing sacred ? Out of my bed ! You come in here, stick your big snout into everything, Take over the house, eat all the food -- That's my job.
How would you feel about relocating ? [ Growl .]
I'll take that as a "yes.
" Tomatoes ? Thank you.
Over here.
Oregano ? Thank you.
Where you left it.
Whipped cream ? Coming at you.
Morning ! Morning, alf.
I smell food.
And lots of it.
What's cooking ? Your all-Time favorite sunday breakfast.
Cats benedict ? No.
French toast, jello, and spaghetti.
Oh ! Christmas came early this year ! We felt like we owed you an apology.
Well, i agree.
What for ? For neglecting you and spending all our time with alfina.
Speaking of alfina, Where is she ? She always comes running when there's food cooking.
Alf, you haven't seen her, have you ? Check, please.
What have you done ? Oh, sure, just assume that i gave alfina away.
You gave away alfina ? [ Door bell .]
Saved by the bell.
You stay right where you are, mister.
This doesn't have the feel of your typical happy ending.
Hi, can i help you ? I came to get my dog.
Okay, come on in.
This is her.
This is my dog, francesca.
Can i have her back, please ? Sure.
No, wait.
First, we have to make sure she's yours.
She's my dog, all right.
She's brown and white and shaggy.
She does tricks.
What kind of tricks ? The wrong tricks.
When i tell her to sit up and beg, She rolls over and plays dead.
That's her, all right.
My dad taught her that.
He has a weird sense of humor.
I can't find alfina anywhere.
Who's alfina ? We have a little problem.
Ah Hannah.
Hannah I'm mr.
Tanner.
This is my wife, mrs.
Tanner, Hello.
These are the tanner siblings, brian and lynn.
Hi.
Hannah is here to pick up her dog.
Uh-Oh.
Where is she ? Actually, we don't know where she is Just at the moment.
Oh, no I have to sit down.
Oh, please.
We did find your dog.
Brian found your dog.
But she seems to have wandered off.
Oh, hannah.
Don't cry.
We'll help you find your dog.
If we can't, i can think of a suitable replacement.
Alf ! Hold on willie.
I'm trying to find the right quotation to express my regret.
This one seems apropos.
"To err is human " You got rid of that dog, didn't you ? You're right.
"The buck stops here.
" Admiral john poindexter, 1987.
Where is the dog, alf ? I thought brian was getting too attached To the little mutt.
That's not for you to decide.
I'm in charge here.
Oh -- General alexander haig, 1981.
Alf, What have you done with the dog ? Hey, don't worry.
I called that nice lady who said she was the owner.
She picked alfina up last night.
Oh, alf -- It was obvious to anyone, That woman never laid eyes on alfina in her life ! "She sure had me fooled !" Gary hart, 1987.
[ Knock at door .]
Shut up, you mutt.
[ Knock at door .]
I'm coming ! Keep your pants on.
Oh, it's you.
I'm sorry mrs.
Buttonwood.
I hope i'm not disturbing you.
Step inside.
You're letting all the flies out.
Hey, alfina.
How you doing, girl ? Mrs.
Buttonwood, i'd really like to have her back.
I'd like to be christie brinkley.
You learn to live with it.
But the dog's real owner came by today.
She would love to have her back.
She can have her back.
Great.
For $500.
Five hundred ? Bucks ! You have a hearing problem ? But the dog's real owner is a little girl.
And she misses her so much.
She was crying in my living room.
Aw.
Breaks your heart, doesn't it ? $500 ! Will you take a check ? Cash.
Cash.
You can't be too careful.
There's a lot of slime out there.
I hear you.
I don't have $500 in cash on me.
[ Loud knocking .]
ethel ! My ex-Boyfriend -- Not too smart and jealous to the bone.
Just a minute, honey.
I'm not dressed yet.
You got a man in there ? Maybe there is ! You'd better leave while your face is still in the front.
But i haven't done anything.
I'll give you a rain check.
[ Loud knocking .]
Climb out that window.
That's silly ! [ Loud knocking .]
Is there a back door ? It's all boarded up.
Vince threw the mailman through it last week.
[ Loud knocking .]
That looks like quite a drop ! Don't be a wuss.
[ Crash .]
Why did you give alfina to that mean lady ? Sorry.
I'm not playing with you anymore, ever ! Dad, where's alfina ? I'm sorry, brian.
I couldn't get her back.
Why not ? Mrs.
Buttonwood only wanted the dog So she could get $500 from the real owner.
It's all your fault, alf ! He's right.
I got us into this.
I'll get us out.
Can i borrow $500 ? I'll give it back to you next payday.
You don't have a job.
I meant your next payday.
Stay out of this.
You're in enough hot water ! So what's a little more ? Hey, mutt, move it or lose it.
[ Ring .]
[ Ring .]
Never fails.
Sit down to a nice home-Cooked meal, and the phone rings.
[ Ring .]
I'm coming ! [ Ring .]
Psst, alfina.
It's me.
I've come to rescue you.
[ Ethel .]
hey dog ! Touch that tv dinner and you're cheese spread.
We could throw water on her, and watch her melt.
But we're short on time.
[ Knock at door .]
Oh, great.
I need a doorman.
[ Knock at door .]
Hold your horses ! Hello, sweetheart.
I told you never to show your jealous puss here again.
That's what i've come to tell you -- I'm not jealous anymore, twinkletoes.
I'm in group therapy with a bunch of italians.
You'd do all that just for me, studmuffin ? Studmuffin ? You only call me that when you want to Shut up and get the mood music.
[ Vince .]
the l.
P.
Or the 45 ? The l.
P.
All right ! Come on, pooch.
We don't want to stick around for this.
[ Laughing .]
No.
Some things are best left to the imagination.
Yee ! You know, i'm kinda proud of brian -- The way he was able to give up the dog like that.
What about me ? What about you ? Valiantly risking my life behind enemy lines To reunite a girl and her dog.
Where others had failed before Notably you, wilheim We get the point, alfheim.
This time, you did the right thing.
[ Whining .]
Captions performed by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.
Hey alf, watch this ! Interesting.
It's a dog ! I can see that, But it wrecked your stick trick.
What was supposed to happen ? That was it.
That's how you play fetch.
Fascinating game.
Right up there with watching golf.
You want to throw one ? All right, what harm could it do ? [ Glass breaking .]
[ Gasp .]
Hi.
Hi.
What are the chances that the crash i just heard Was the ochmoneks breaking their own window ? Slim and none -- And slim is out of town.
Where did this dog come from ? She followed me home from school.
Hey, tanner ! Alf, you'd better hide, While i, once again, take the blame.
Thanks willie.
You're a prince.
I'm a king.
Good afternoon, guys.
Does this look familiar to anyone ? Gee, i'm sorry.
Brian and i we were just Sort of Here's $20.
$80.
$80 dollars ? Yeah.
I'm putting in plexiglass this time.
It'll be cheaper for you in the long run.
Good planning.
Thanks.
I'll see you.
So long, trevor.
She sure is a pretty dog.
Can we keep her ? Yeah, willie.
Can we, huh ? I don't know.
I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.
Can't we just keep her until we find the owner ? Well, i guess so.
As long as it's okay with your mom.
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody ! I didn't know you liked dogs.
What's not to like ? They're loyal, obedient, They hate cats [ Growl .]
And those who eat them ! ** Hi, there.
Gordon shumway.
Nice to meet you ! Interested in a new buick ? Nice try.
Wait a minute.
One of these steaks is missing.
Alf ! I didn't.
Honest ! I looked, but i didn't touch.
You did so touch ! All right, i touched.
But i didn't eat ! I'm supposed to believe one of these steaks Just got up and walked away on its own ? I've seen stranger.
That's it, alf.
No dinner for you tonight.
But i'm starved ! I've been fasting since lunch.
Well, i did eat that pumpkin.
Anyone lose a steak ? [ Clears throat .]
Okay, alf.
I'm sorry i accused you.
Apology accepted.
I'd hate to be in your paws, You cattle rustler ! Bad dog ! Oh, i didn't mean it.
No, she didn't mean it.
You're a good dog, aren't you.
Yes you are.
Come on, pup.
Come on.
[ Mimicking .]
good dog, yes you are.
This is an outrage ! That dog should be flogged on the quarter deck, Whatever that means.
Alf, she's just a dog.
She doesn't know any better.
Ignorance is no excuse.
Ignorance is your excuse all the time ! I don't know what you're talking about.
Watch this.
Speak ! Ha, ha.
Okay, sit! Oh, that is so cute ! Talk about stupid pet tricks ! Letterman would have a field day with this one.
Well, i put up a bunch of those dumb posters.
I still hope nobody claims alfina.
Alfina ? Oh, don't you just hate that name ? What a good girl.
Canine kiss-Up ! I still think we should offer a reward To anyone who claims that dog.
You don't offer a reward when you find a dog.
You offer a reward when you lose it.
Okay, i'll give you $5 to lose alfina.
Alf ! Kidding ! I'm a funny alien.
Ha ! Ha ! [ Door bell .]
I know the routine.
[ Mimicking snagglepuss .]
exit, stage right Where is he ? Where's who ? My dog, that's who.
You found him, didn't you ? Well, yes we did.
That is to say, we found a dog.
He's mine ! Where is he ? It's not a he.
She's a she.
I knew that.
Is that her ? Don't you recognize her ? Of course i do.
Come here dog ! [ Growl .]
She doesn't seem to be responding to you.
We had a fight ! She'll get over it.
Do you suppose This is just a thought That you might be mistaken about this being your dog ? I lost a dog.
You found a dog.
Can we do business or not ? I think not.
Here's my address and phone number, In case you change your mind.
[ Yelling .]
have a nice day ! [ Whining sounds .]
Oh ! [ Whining .]
Alf, why did you do that ? Well, i could have licked your hand, But i didn't think either of us would enjoy that.
You're right.
I much prefer a blow to the head.
As you wish, master.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'll read that when i get up -- In 3 hours.
What are you two doing ? Alf thinks he's a dog.
Apparently, dogs can't tell time.
Actually we can, but we have so few appointments, Why bother ? Alf, you're not a dog.
Well, i wish i were.
Dogs get treated better than aliens around here.
Ahhh.
Is nothing sacred ? Out of my bed ! You come in here, stick your big snout into everything, Take over the house, eat all the food -- That's my job.
How would you feel about relocating ? [ Growl .]
I'll take that as a "yes.
" Tomatoes ? Thank you.
Over here.
Oregano ? Thank you.
Where you left it.
Whipped cream ? Coming at you.
Morning ! Morning, alf.
I smell food.
And lots of it.
What's cooking ? Your all-Time favorite sunday breakfast.
Cats benedict ? No.
French toast, jello, and spaghetti.
Oh ! Christmas came early this year ! We felt like we owed you an apology.
Well, i agree.
What for ? For neglecting you and spending all our time with alfina.
Speaking of alfina, Where is she ? She always comes running when there's food cooking.
Alf, you haven't seen her, have you ? Check, please.
What have you done ? Oh, sure, just assume that i gave alfina away.
You gave away alfina ? [ Door bell .]
Saved by the bell.
You stay right where you are, mister.
This doesn't have the feel of your typical happy ending.
Hi, can i help you ? I came to get my dog.
Okay, come on in.
This is her.
This is my dog, francesca.
Can i have her back, please ? Sure.
No, wait.
First, we have to make sure she's yours.
She's my dog, all right.
She's brown and white and shaggy.
She does tricks.
What kind of tricks ? The wrong tricks.
When i tell her to sit up and beg, She rolls over and plays dead.
That's her, all right.
My dad taught her that.
He has a weird sense of humor.
I can't find alfina anywhere.
Who's alfina ? We have a little problem.
Ah Hannah.
Hannah I'm mr.
Tanner.
This is my wife, mrs.
Tanner, Hello.
These are the tanner siblings, brian and lynn.
Hi.
Hannah is here to pick up her dog.
Uh-Oh.
Where is she ? Actually, we don't know where she is Just at the moment.
Oh, no I have to sit down.
Oh, please.
We did find your dog.
Brian found your dog.
But she seems to have wandered off.
Oh, hannah.
Don't cry.
We'll help you find your dog.
If we can't, i can think of a suitable replacement.
Alf ! Hold on willie.
I'm trying to find the right quotation to express my regret.
This one seems apropos.
"To err is human " You got rid of that dog, didn't you ? You're right.
"The buck stops here.
" Admiral john poindexter, 1987.
Where is the dog, alf ? I thought brian was getting too attached To the little mutt.
That's not for you to decide.
I'm in charge here.
Oh -- General alexander haig, 1981.
Alf, What have you done with the dog ? Hey, don't worry.
I called that nice lady who said she was the owner.
She picked alfina up last night.
Oh, alf -- It was obvious to anyone, That woman never laid eyes on alfina in her life ! "She sure had me fooled !" Gary hart, 1987.
[ Knock at door .]
Shut up, you mutt.
[ Knock at door .]
I'm coming ! Keep your pants on.
Oh, it's you.
I'm sorry mrs.
Buttonwood.
I hope i'm not disturbing you.
Step inside.
You're letting all the flies out.
Hey, alfina.
How you doing, girl ? Mrs.
Buttonwood, i'd really like to have her back.
I'd like to be christie brinkley.
You learn to live with it.
But the dog's real owner came by today.
She would love to have her back.
She can have her back.
Great.
For $500.
Five hundred ? Bucks ! You have a hearing problem ? But the dog's real owner is a little girl.
And she misses her so much.
She was crying in my living room.
Aw.
Breaks your heart, doesn't it ? $500 ! Will you take a check ? Cash.
Cash.
You can't be too careful.
There's a lot of slime out there.
I hear you.
I don't have $500 in cash on me.
[ Loud knocking .]
ethel ! My ex-Boyfriend -- Not too smart and jealous to the bone.
Just a minute, honey.
I'm not dressed yet.
You got a man in there ? Maybe there is ! You'd better leave while your face is still in the front.
But i haven't done anything.
I'll give you a rain check.
[ Loud knocking .]
Climb out that window.
That's silly ! [ Loud knocking .]
Is there a back door ? It's all boarded up.
Vince threw the mailman through it last week.
[ Loud knocking .]
That looks like quite a drop ! Don't be a wuss.
[ Crash .]
Why did you give alfina to that mean lady ? Sorry.
I'm not playing with you anymore, ever ! Dad, where's alfina ? I'm sorry, brian.
I couldn't get her back.
Why not ? Mrs.
Buttonwood only wanted the dog So she could get $500 from the real owner.
It's all your fault, alf ! He's right.
I got us into this.
I'll get us out.
Can i borrow $500 ? I'll give it back to you next payday.
You don't have a job.
I meant your next payday.
Stay out of this.
You're in enough hot water ! So what's a little more ? Hey, mutt, move it or lose it.
[ Ring .]
[ Ring .]
Never fails.
Sit down to a nice home-Cooked meal, and the phone rings.
[ Ring .]
I'm coming ! [ Ring .]
Psst, alfina.
It's me.
I've come to rescue you.
[ Ethel .]
hey dog ! Touch that tv dinner and you're cheese spread.
We could throw water on her, and watch her melt.
But we're short on time.
[ Knock at door .]
Oh, great.
I need a doorman.
[ Knock at door .]
Hold your horses ! Hello, sweetheart.
I told you never to show your jealous puss here again.
That's what i've come to tell you -- I'm not jealous anymore, twinkletoes.
I'm in group therapy with a bunch of italians.
You'd do all that just for me, studmuffin ? Studmuffin ? You only call me that when you want to Shut up and get the mood music.
[ Vince .]
the l.
P.
Or the 45 ? The l.
P.
All right ! Come on, pooch.
We don't want to stick around for this.
[ Laughing .]
No.
Some things are best left to the imagination.
Yee ! You know, i'm kinda proud of brian -- The way he was able to give up the dog like that.
What about me ? What about you ? Valiantly risking my life behind enemy lines To reunite a girl and her dog.
Where others had failed before Notably you, wilheim We get the point, alfheim.
This time, you did the right thing.
[ Whining .]
Captions performed by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.