All In The Family s02e20 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days Santa Lucia pasta in meat sauce ma, who's that at the door? It's a package for me by special messenger.
Ooh, it looks exciting.
Who's it from? It don't say.
I wonder what it can be.
Open it up.
The last time I had a package this size Was from your grandmother on your father's side-- a beautiful lace tablecloth over 80 years old.
I don't remember seeing that.
That's because I've been saving it for best.
But we ain't had no best.
Open up the package.
What do you think it is, Gloria? Ma, if you don't open it up, I'll go crazy.
Right.
Oh, it's a beautiful box.
I'm gonna save it.
It'll come in hand-- oh, Gloria, this can't be for me.
It's a mink cape.
It's beautiful.
You know, I've seen this somewhere before.
Oh, there must be some mistake.
No, ma.
It's no mistake.
It's from your cousin Amelia.
Amelia.
That's where I've seen it, on Amelia.
But why would she be sending me her mink cape? "Dear Edith, I'm giving this to you Because of your kindness in looking after me after I had my operation.
" Oh, she didn't have to do that.
"I know you'll say I don't have to do this, Edith, but I really want you to have the mink.
" Oh, ain't that nice? I wonder why she sent it.
They're coming over on Friday.
"I know we're coming over Friday, but I couldn't wait for you to have it.
" Oh, that's very nice.
But what will Amelia do without it? "Russ is buying me a new one for my birthday anyway.
Love, Amelia.
" Oh, ma, put it on.
You know, I've always wondered what mink felt like.
What does it feel like, ma? It feels just like soft fur.
[ Door opens .]
[ Michael .]
Hi, Gloria.
I'm home.
Oh, ma, that's Michael.
You stay in here until I call you.
Hi, sweetheart.
I'm glad you're home.
Hi.
Stand right there.
I've got a big surprise for you.
What's going on? You'll see.
Ready, ma? Yeah.
There she is miss America there she is your ideal there she is I don't believe it, ma.
It can't be you.
Oh, yeah, Mike.
It's me.
Ma, that's mink.
Where did that come from? It's Amelia dekuyper's way of saying thank you.
Gee, that's some thank you.
I'm gonna have to find someplace fancy to wear this.
Only Archie don't take me to no mink places.
Archie don't take you to no places.
Oh, Mike.
That ain't fair.
It's true, but it ain't fair.
I gotta see what this looks like in the bathroom door.
That's something.
I didn't know cousin Amelia was that rich.
Well, her husband's a plumbing contractor.
Oh, yeah.
They make half a mink a day.
Boy, I wanna tell you.
Coming home through this city some nights is like coming through a minefield.
Daddy, you should see what ma just got.
I'm talking, Gloria.
I leave work and I go down the subway, see.
Your mayor Lindsay's two-level trolley system.
And what do I find there? The subway platform is jammed with peoples.
It's a wall-to-wall melting pot.
Why? 'Cause the trains ain't running again.
Well, that's too bad-- so, looking for somebody who speaks my language, I go up to this subway guard.
And he happens to be one of your pushy "imported" ricans.
And so I says to him, you know, trying to be polite, "what's up, Pedro?" He says, "the main's broke.
The water's flooding the rails.
" "How am I gonna get home?" He says, "try swimming up the tracks.
" Now I ask you, for a city employee to talk to an-- I'm all alone here.
When did this happen? What, are you hiding someplace? Where the hell are you? What's going on? Daddy, you just stand right there, okay? Where's your mother? Here she comes miss America here she comes your ideal the dreams of millions of girls who are more than pretty may come true in Atlantic city hey, hey.
Pull the plug on that, huh? Well, how do you like it, Archie? I thought we were saving our green stamps for a camera.
That's a beautiful fur there.
She looks fabulous.
Can't you say something nice? What's nice about it? It probably took every stamp book we had.
No, Archie.
It's a present from cousin Amelia For looking after her gall bladder.
Oh, a present from cousin Amelia, huh? Mm-hmm.
- Well, give it back.
- Oh, Archie.
Why? Because a present from cousin Amelia Is also a present from your cousin-in-law Russ too.
And you ain't accepting no gifts from Russel dekuyper.
But daddy, ma did something nice for Amelia.
Now Amelia's doing something nice for ma.
Yeah, she earned that cape.
Listen, Sonny boy.
In the first place, earning is a subject you know nothing about.
And in the second place, that cape ain't earned.
That's charity, which Archie bunker don't take from nobody in the third place.
What charity, arch? It's a gift.
That isn't largesse.
I ain't saying it's largesse, "smallesse" or any kind of "esse.
" When I want my wife to have a fur coat, I'll buy her a fur coat.
You will? No.
Daddy, can't you understand how ma feels about having her very own mink? I can understand that she's gonna give that fur cape back to the dekuypers, that's all.
Russ dekuyper.
He's rich.
So he's always lauding it over the whole world.
He spends his life looking for wounds to rub salt into.
He sure found one with you.
You're practically green with jealousy.
What are you talking about? Jealous of who, Russ dekuyper? Why, the man ain't got of a gleaming feature.
He ain't smart.
He ain't certainly what you'd call good-looking.
You mean like you? Well, now that you mention, yeah.
Ask Edith.
She knows the two of us.
Who's better looking Edith, me or that dumb dutchman dekuyper.
You are, Archie, by far.
Satisfied? Can I keep the cape now? No.
Now will you quit fooling around and get chow on the table? All right, Archie.
Oh, boy.
"Oh, boy.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
And what are you looking at anyway? I'm surprised at youse two "ecrology" nuts Encouraging your mother there to wear fur.
They breed those animals, daddy.
That's right, arch.
Mink is not an endangered species.
Oh, geez.
Them minks hangin' around your mother-in-law's neck out there, they'll be glad to hear that-- that they ain't endangered, just murdered.
Besides, your mother-in-law ain't a mink-type person.
I mean, it's like puttin' a white tie and tails on the meathead here.
Hold it, Edith.
Wait a minute.
Is this all we're having? Oh, no, Archie.
We're having spaghetti just the way you like it-- long.
Oh.
I like it short.
I thought you liked it long Except in the case of elbow macaroni which is short because it's bent.
You're a pip, you know that, Edith? A real pip.
- Go on.
Get me the long spaghetti.
- Right away, Archie.
Your mother's getting dingbattier than ever with that cape around her there.
And that's why that Russ dekuyper sent it over here, to "percolate" my family against me.
To fill their minds with the thought That I ain't rich enough to buy my wife the thing she wants.
- Well, daddy, you're not.
- You see that? It's poisoning your mind already.
I'm not gonna stand for this.
Edith, before you sit down to eat, you get on the phone, you call the dekuypers.
You tell Amelia you're giving back that cape.
Oh, no, Archie.
I can't do that.
I can't hurt her feelings that way.
Oh, well, if you can't, I can.
I'll make the phone call myself, that's all.
Archie, please don't do that.
Don't tell me what to do, Edith.
Just get the spaghetti on the table.
But Archie-- no, don't "but" me "but" me.
Just do what you're told.
Archie, I'll give the cape back, but don't insult them.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna straighten out Russ dekuyper right now.
Daddy, they're coming over here Friday.
Why can't you wait till then? Because I wanna throw that cape back into his face while I'm in the mood.
Arch-- go on, Edith.
Dummy up.
Hello? Hey, is that you, Russ? This is Archie bunker here.
Yeah, uh, Russ, about that fur cape you sent over here.
Well, Edith can't use it.
No, no, no.
She can't take your fur, Russ.
Cat fur, rabbit, anything like that, you know.
Yeah, she's got, uh-- what do you call these-- allergies.
Yeah.
Oh, geez.
She's sneezing her face off right now.
Gesundheit in there, Edith.
I just wanna say, when you come over Friday night You pick up the fur and you give it away to the "salivation" army or something like that.
Russ, I can't talk now because they're serving dinner.
I gotta go.
That's all.
Good-bye.
Well, it's final now, Edith! You're gonna give back that cape! [ Edith screams .]
What are we gonna eat now? What's keeping your mother-in-law? The dry cleaners is only two blocks away here.
You know, when I think of you making her give back that fur, I get sick to my stomach.
Look at you.
You could eat the carpets off the floor Without getting sick to your stomach.
Michael.
Ma got those goodies for Russ and Amelia.
Besides, we're going to eat after the movie.
Oh, my.
Sorry I took so long.
Oh, let me catch my breath.
Never mind about your breath.
You can breathe later.
Russ and Amelia are coming over here any minute, huh? Where's the cape? They're keeping it.
The jeffersons have been cleaning that cape for six days.
Ain't they done yet? He had terrible trouble with that stain.
He had to put the mink through twice and it still wouldn't come out.
Well, he should have put it through a third time.
That's just it.
He shouldn't have.
The third time, the fur came out in big patches.
Are you telling me that Jefferson ruined that fur? Edith, I'll sue the guy.
He was very upset about it, but he says that he'll get his insurance company to clear it right away.
Why did you bring it down to the jeffersons' in the first place? I mean, the colored people don't know nothing about dry cleaning.
What do they know about fur? That's right, arch.
All we taught them was how to work with cotton.
Go carry a sign, will ya? Mr.
Jefferson said we might get as much as $300.
Edith, don't never bring no more clean-- $300? Yeah, he said it would be that because it was not new fur.
Well, wait a minute.
Edith, $300? Hey, wait a second, arch.
You're not thinking of keeping that money, are you? I might be.
- Why not? - You already told Russ you were gonna give back the cape.
But there ain't no cape now.
Oh, gee, arch.
When it was just a fur cape, you couldn't care less.
Now it's $300, your whole world lights up.
Would you listen to this guy? You know something about yourself? You ain't got no class at all.
What do you expect me to do, insult a relation, a rich relation at that, by offering him $300? Arch, I thought you didn't wanna take charity.
This ain't charity.
This is gonna be a check from an insurance company.
And if you think insurance companies give out charity, you're a lot dumber than I ever gave you credit for.
Archie, it's the dekuypers' money because it was their cape that got damaged.
How can you honestly think of keeping the money? The same way a lot of people keep millions of dollars, don't pay no taxes.
Like, uh, for instance your Ronald Reagan there.
You're throwing that example up to me? Certainly, meathead.
That is the way the system is supposed to work.
And Reagan is a guy who knows how to work it.
Archie, that's not the way the system's supposed to work.
I told you about Ronald Reagan, you bawled hell out of me For besmirching the name of a great governor.
And don't do it no more.
Because the U.
S.
of a.
Is run along certain principles.
And giving back $300 to a man who don't need it Goes against everything this nation stands for.
If that's what this nation stands for, then the people have been devalued, not the dollar.
Nuts to you.
Yeah? You was supposed to be going to the movies.
Get lost.
Come on, Michael.
Let's go.
[ Doorbell rings .]
I don't want them going out the front door.
Go out the back door.
Why? What's wrong? Because I don't want youse to meet the dekuyper's And open your big mouth and screw everything up.
You're nuts.
Go on.
Get lost.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Coming.
Hold it, Edith.
Don't answer that door.
Just a minute.
Now, say nothing.
Don't you open your mouth and say word one about that cape.
You make like an oyster and clam up.
I hate these people.
Open that door.
Hi, Edith.
Hey, how are you? Hey, Russ.
How are you? Good.
Amelia.
Oh, Archie.
You look terrific.
You put a few pounds on, but you look terrific.
Arch, you ain't changed a bit.
Same old arch.
Same old Russ.
Same old Edith too.
Same old living room.
Sort of brown, ain't it? Reminds me of what I come up from.
[ No audible dialog .]
Arch, what Russ means is we're more like what you'd call pink people.
Aw, hey.
We got a son-in-law who's one of them.
Hey, come on, Amelia.
Sit down on the sofa here.
You do the decorating yourself, Edith? Oh, no, no.
I ain't too good at that, Amelia.
But I did paint the laundry basket once with one of them spray cans.
Remember, Archie? Yeah, forget it.
But I-- I forgot to take the laundry out.
And Archie was wearing wicker pattern underwear for a whole year.
Private, Edith, huh? Private.
Hey, arch, about that mink cape.
Cape? Wh-what about it? I don't believe none of that guff you was giving me about Edith's allergies.
It was only you being allergic to charity, wasn't it? Russ, I never thought of that as charity.
What do you mean? Coming from you? Good.
Because Amelia and me, we want Edith to keep the cape.
Why shouldn't she have a little luxury in her life? I mean, look around here.
- Russel.
- Listen, Amelia.
Listen.
That's okay.
I mean, after all, some guys make it and some guys don't.
So youse two wanna give that fur cape to Edith here, well, I say beautiful.
- But Archie, how can we keep the cape? - Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Is there something in your eye? Would you make coffee? Wait a minute, Edith.
First I gotta see what you look like in that fur.
- Try it on.
- Oh, Amelia, I-I-- she, uh, she can't do that, Amelia, see? 'Cause the cape is still at the dry cleaners.
But I had it cleaned just before I sent it to you.
Oh, well, uh, you know, Edith done it again Because she's a nut about bringing things to the cleaner-- but, Archie, we both took it-- let me finish.
See, Edith knows these colored people.
They run the dry cleaners.
- Colored? - Yeah.
Oh, hey.
But, listen, they're great.
Didn't you ever hear? I mean, they get right in there.
The benzine, it don't do nothing to them there.
I mean, they're really great at doing furs.
They're real geniuses in the cleaning profession.
Speaking of clean, arch.
Where's your bathroom? Oh, same old place, Russ.
Right upstairs.
I don't know why you don't get a downstairs John.
Well, listen, I ain't got your money there, buddy.
[ Chuckles .]
You know, there is one thing that I like about you, arch.
What's that, Russ? You are poor and you know it.
Just don't wanna throw money down the drain, right? [ Chuckles .]
You get it? Down the drain.
[ Laughing .]
That's a plumber's joke.
Oh, yeah.
Plumber.
That's funny.
That's funny.
Laugh it up.
[ Continues laughing .]
Oh, that Russ.
He's always saying funny things like that.
Working with him all day long is like having your own personal Johnny Carson.
[ Toilet flushes .]
Shut the door, Russel.
The door is shut, Amelia.
It always sounds like that.
Hey, arch.
Your float valve is half shut.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
You know, you could use a new toilet.
Oh.
As a matter of fact, you could use a whole new bathroom.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Here.
Try this.
Thanks very much, Russ.
Will you stop carrying greasy parts around in your good suit? Hello, Edith.
Hello, Louise.
Come in.
Oh, you've got company.
I won't stay.
Oh, no.
Come and meet my cousin, Amelia dekuyper.
And this is her husband, Mr.
Russ dekuyper.
Hi, there.
This is Mrs.
Jefferson.
Her husband runs the cleaners.
Uh, Mrs.
Jefferson, could we talk to you about all of this just a little later on? Oh, sure.
But I was just so upset about what happened to the mink cape.
-Something happened to the cape? -It sure was a shame you spilt all of that sauce on it.
Mrs.
Jefferson, I'll tell you what you do.
Just don't worry about it And get us back the cape as soon as ever you can, huh? But there's nothing left but the skin.
So I got George to make out his check without waiting for the insurance to come through.
Just like I told you, Edith, $300.
Thank you.
Well, so long, folks.
Nice to have met you.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks very much, Mrs.
Jefferson.
Good-bye there.
Put that away.
Uh, Edith, why don't you make some coffee for everybody? Now, wait a second.
What's this about $300? - Russ, let her make the coffee.
- What about the $300? Russ, Amelia, we was gonna tell you.
You see, we had an accident with the cape and spilled some food on it.
And the cleaners ruined it.
But the insurance is paying for it.
Well, well, well.
It's like I always say, Amelia.
Cast your bread upon the waters and it comes back dough.
Thank you, Edith.
Hold it.
Hold it there, Russ.
That check ain't yours.
That's ours.
No, it isn't.
No.
He's right, Russel.
We gave them the cape.
Will you zip it up, Amelia.
I want that money.
Listen to rich daddy drainpipes over here.
Dredging after a lousy $300.
We do not need the money, Russel.
You know how much I gotta make to keep $300 cash in our tax bracket? I gotta make 800, maybe $1000.
That's why I want that check.
Now, you give me that $1000.
Why, you copper-plated phony, you.
You're money nuts.
When this was just a raggy fur, you couldn't care less about it.
Now it's $300, your whole world lights up.
You bet it does.
You really bet it does.
Three hundred bucks tax free is really illuminating.
And I ain't leaving here without I get that check.
Oh, money, money, money.
You really love it, don't you, rich man? You bet I do.
How do you think I got to be rich, poor man? Aw, geez, the greed of him.
I can smell it all over him.
Whoo! What you're smelling is the sweet perfume of success.
Listen to this guy talking about perfume.
And him all day long up to his armpits in toilets.
Them toilets got me my beachfront home in neponset.
Oh, listen to the big shot here.
Bragging because he was lucky enough to marry into a successful plumbing racket.
Successful? Her father's business wasn't worth the red ink it cost to keep the books.
I built that business up myself.
Get out of here.
Her old man left you a going concern.
And her brother on the board of education, he gave you the concession for a whole school district there.
Six hundred toilets.
Boy, talk about falling into a royal flush.
Nobody made me but me! You tell him, Amelia.
Tell him who built that business up.
Papa, Freddy, my Uncle Charlie.
- Will you stop it? - Oh, listen to that! Your own wife knows you for the phony you are.
Well, you ain't getting this check.
This check belongs to us.
No, it don't, Archie.
What are you talking about? Mrs.
Jefferson gave you this check, and it says right on the check, "pay to the order of Amelia dekuyper.
" Amelia dekuyp-- what's her name doing on this check? Well, she's the owner of the mink.
You said yourself, Archie.
As soon as it was cleaned it had to go back to Amelia 'Cause you didn't want no charity coming into this house.
Edith.
Thank you.
Come along, Amelia.
You see what you done here? Russ, you ain't leaving this house Till I finish saying to you what I wanna say to you.
What do you wanna say to me? I'll split that with you.
Come on, Amelia.
Russ, Russ, don't you walk out of here with that check.
Russ, if you leave this house with that there check there, Russ, it ain't gonna do our friendship no good.
[ Car starts, pulls away .]
Once again, your side of the family.
Come on, daddy, stop sulking about Russ.
Boy, no wonder they say that money's the root of all evil.
Yeah, that's right, arch.
Russ only did unto you what you were trying to do to him.
And remember, the Bible also says It is more blessed to give than to receive.
I got one for you.
Silence is golden.
So stifle thyself, will you.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.