American Housewife (2016) s02e20 Episode Script

1 KATIE: I cleaned out Spencer's fridge.
I'm not saying there's a correlation to his death, but dude drank a lot of Tab.
His lawyer will be here any minute.
When I inherit this place, I'm gonna hire a staff.
What makes you think you're inheriting Spencer's fortune? Why else would his lawyer want to meet with me? Face it I'm Spencer's sole heir, and now this is all mine.
I'm rich! I'm gonna raise these ceilings so I hear more of an echo when I scream that.
Being rich will be so much fun.
Pump your brakes, blondie.
I'm rich, not you.
You want money, earn it like I did.
You didn't earn it.
You got it for being nice to some old rich guy.
Trust me.
You'll get there.
What if Oliver's right? What if Spencer did leave him everything? Money ruins people.
Here's the Venn diagram of rich people and jerks.
It's one circle.
Greg! I'm using "Venn diagram" in context.
This used to get you aroused.
Sorry, I'm fine-tuning my presentation for the tenure board.
This could make or break my career.
Tell me what sounds better.
"Greetings.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Or "Good afternoon"? [Laughs.]
It all depends whether I want to be funny or not.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Doorbell rings.]
Finally, the lawyer's here.
Snack bar's open.
- Grandma? - Oliver! [Sighs.]
Thank God I didn't go topless.
Or I could say, "Good afternoon.
" [Laughs.]
Why is "good afternoon" funny? Because, you know, it's it's like Oh, crap.
I just can't believe he's gone.
We had plans.
We were gonna travel together.
The last text he sent me was, "Let's see London, let's see France, I want to see your [Voice breaking.]
underpants.
" Oh, God, he was so funny.
Just [Sighs.]
I'm gonna miss him.
Mom, why didn't you tell me you were coming to Westport? Well, I wasn't coming to see you.
I had a scheduled rendezvous with Spencer.
So how long has this been going on, you sneaking into town dressed as a partially deflated blow-up doll? Since Thanksgiving, I'd come to Westport every now and again for a little [Clears throat.]
grown-up hugging.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- I got it.
So, exactly how many times has my own mother been next door and not bothered to tell me? Um, once in December, a couple times in January, and I guess the last time was the 18th.
- The 18th? - [Door opens.]
You mean my birthday? Oh! I guess that's right.
- Um, happy birthday, sweetie.
- [Sighs.]
[Door closes.]
Everyone, this is Spencer's attorney, Linda Ramirez.
Hi.
I'm Katie.
- This is my husband, Greg.
- Hi.
And I'm Kathryn, Spencer's lover.
You also could've just said you were my mom.
I was going with my more impressive credit.
Nice meeting everyone, especially you, Oliver.
Spencer made it very clear that, in case of his untimely demise, he wanted to give you this.
His ashes? Yes.
And he specifically indicated, "He'll know what to do with them.
" Crumpled-up dead guy? Lucky.
This is actually a relief.
We were afraid that Oliver was named in Spencer's will.
Oh, he is.
- He is? - Mm.
- I am? - Mm-hmm.
[Clears throat.]
Do I happen to be in the will? That's Kathryn with a Y.
No, ma'am.
Oh.
Well, I'm out of here.
But you two are in the will, as well.
- Us? - Them? Yes.
We'll schedule a viewing in the next day or two.
- A viewing? - It's a video will.
Oh, that man.
He loved to record everything.
Ugh! So, what are you gonna do with Spencer's ashes? I decided to spread them in his motor court.
Why would Spencer want a driveway to be his final resting place? Because he loved cars and it's where we first met and it's right across the street.
You can't just phone this in because you don't know what to do.
Spencer was your friend.
Yeah.
If you disrespect the dead, they'll haunt you.
Spencer isn't gonna haunt us.
He doesn't care where his ashes are.
I'm doing it.
Spencer's spirit.
He's communicating that he is not on board with your stupid driveway scheme.
I'm not saying you're right, but what else am I supposed to do? He said I would know, but I don't.
I think I know how to figure out what he'd want.
Great.
How? It'll cost you $20,000.
$20,000 to hear your dumb idea? When you inherit Spencer's millions, 20 grand will be nothing.
Fine.
What is it? Ask someone who knew Spencer.
Talk to his old cellmate from federal prison.
That's actually a good idea.
I can drive you there.
- Thanks.
- For another $20,000.
And a pony for the kid.
What if Spencer did leave us his fortune and we're rich? I'm not sure that would be good, because money changes people.
Ah.
My two favorite people in my favorite place.
The Lord's blessings are many.
What are you doing here? I thought you were leaving? Well, I thought that I'd stay and take care of my "Katie-cakes.
" Now, I did the laundry, and now I'm gonna go fluff your pillows.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Money changes people.
She's being nice.
Good God! I hope "Dateline" doesn't hear about this.
She's finally becoming the mom she never was just to get into my pocketbook.
Katie, can we talk about this after my presentation? Fine.
Do you want to practice it on me? No.
You always interrupt me, yelling "Freebird.
" You're never gonna make it if you can't handle hecklers.
What else can I do for you? Nothing.
I'm good.
I don't need any help from her.
Sell it someplace else, lady.
How about you go and sit on the couch and watch TV and I will make you a grilled cheese sandwich? Thanks, Mommy.
It's hard to stick to your principles on an empty stomach.
And just the idea of inheriting money from Spencer is already screwing with my family.
Oliver officially has dollar signs for eyeballs, and now that she thinks we're about to be rich, my mother is acting like the mom from every Children's TYLENOL commercial.
Ooh, rich Katie.
I can't wait.
What are you gonna buy first? I have a thought get a replacement for that top.
Hey! I got this from the fancy section at Marshall's.
I know it was fancy because all the clothes had those plastic alarm thingies.
Look, I may not have a lot of extra money to burn, but I actually like the way we live.
Katie, I've been rich, and I've been poor, and, trust me, rich is better.
Yeah, I've never been poor, but from those ads I see about feeding kids for the price of a cup of coffee a day, it definitely seems like it sucks.
I don't want money to ruin my kids.
No matter how much money you have, you can always teach your kids good values.
Angela's right.
To keep my kids from getting spoiled, once a week, I replace the sandwiches in their lunch bag with a note that says "Oops.
" Doris, do you ever worry that one of your kids might someday I don't know kill you? - It's crossed my mind.
- [Laughs.]
There is a big upside to having money.
Imagine going to the supermarket and not checking prices.
- Mm.
- You could buy anything you want.
And at the movies, you can buy snacks there instead of filling your pockets with everything you have in your house.
I've always wanted to do that.
And you can get your car washed.
I get my car washed.
Mnh-mnh, you can have other people wash your car.
[Chuckles.]
No one likes driving by and seeing Greg in a tank top.
Speak for yourself.
[Classical music plays.]
Nice shot.
There you go.
Mr.
Danfield is almost done with his golf lesson.
Just have a seat.
This prison is incredible.
Steely Dan is playing this weekend.
I see why he loved it here.
Wait a minute.
This is the place.
This is where Spencer wants me to spread his ashes.
You really think Spencer wants to spend eternity in prison? Everyone who gets paroled from here holds a special place in their heart for Allenwood.
They have the highest alumni-giving rate of all prisons.
This is definitely it.
MAN: Fore! [Clattering.]
I'd say that's a hard no from Spencer.
Sorry.
My hands are slippery.
It's that new shea-butter hand lotion they have at the spa.
[Chuckles.]
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm Reginald.
You must be Oliver.
Nice to meet you.
PRISONER: Wait.
This is Oliver? Spencer's Oliver? You know who I am? Nice to meet you.
[Laughs.]
Spencer would Skype in once a week to catch up, loved telling about the kid next door who cared more about money than he did about people.
Aww! Sorry to hear about his passing.
Me too.
Spencer left me in charge of his ashes, and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We thought you might know.
Well, you know Spencer's favorite place in the entire world? - His driveway? - Hawaii.
It goes Oahu, Lanai, Maui, this place, Kauai.
Hawaii.
He loved it there, and he never got the chance to make it back.
That's perfect.
Hey, you.
Time's up.
Let's go.
You don't want to be late for your scuba certification.
Right.
We're not allowed on the Aruba trip unless we're fully prepared.
[Scoffs.]
Prison.
Taylor, thanks.
That really was a $20,000 idea.
Glad I could help.
Let's go home.
Oh.
You want a ride home, too? That will be $30,000.
It was only $20,000 to take me here.
Surge pricing.
So, I was talking to Doris and Angela about Spencer's will, and I had a thought.
What if being rich is a good thing? I thought you said money changes people? Or what if it changes our lives for the better? With Spencer's inheritance, I can manipulate my mother into being the mom I've always wanted.
Mm.
Healthy.
And you can stop worrying about tenure.
I don't follow.
You're the best history professor they have.
You're a published author, your students love you, and when you're rich, you don't have to work.
Screw the tenure.
The pressure's off.
I hadn't thought of that.
You have all the power.
You're right.
I don't have to be nervous for this meeting.
I can go in there, do whatever I want! You're the top dog, dawg! Woof, woof, woof, woof! Please don't say anything.
KATIE: This is so sweet.
It feels like something the Branch Davidians would do before the Rapture.
But still sweet.
Morning.
Morning.
I made breakfast for everyone.
Yours is on the counter.
Watch this inheritance at work.
This is great, but I like it when the waffle smiles back at me.
Oh, I can do that.
Thanks.
I got to run to the grocery store.
I hope I can get back before Spencer's will viewing.
I don't want you rushing.
That's how accidents happen.
No, you stay home, and I'll go to the store.
Also, the gutters are disgusting.
We don't have a ladder, but I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Hey, Dr.
Paulson.
- Professor Otto, you're five minutes late.
- [Door closes.]
Well, I meant to be 10 minutes late, so looks like I got some time to kill.
Well, when you've finished helping yourself to our beverages, why don't you have a seat? You got it, big guy.
No net for the lemon? No? I'll make do.
So what's up? Tell us, Professor Otto, what do you have to offer the university, should you be awarded tenure? You know, I don't teach because I have to.
I teach because I want to.
A lot of schools want to put a ring on this finger, so maybe you should be telling me why I should spend the best years of my career at this university.
Oh, oh, don't answer right away.
Think about it.
Get back to me.
Or don't.
Professor, the board would like to know what we can expect from you in terms of potential grants, published works, speaking engagements.
You know, I could sit and list my accomplishments, but if you really want to know what's under my hood Here's my book.
Check out the author photo and resist the temptation to swipe right.
Now, if you'll excuse me, teacher's got to teach.
Professor Otto, this is highly irregular.
Oh, God, I am so sorry.
"Dear Jimmy, too many inside jokes to name.
Have a bitchin' summer Greg.
" What's up? - Hey, guys.
- Finally, you're here.
- How'd the meeting go? - Don't know, don't care.
May start my own college.
Ooh, can I be dean? I'll show up at the frat parties, and everyone will think I'm there to shut it down, but really I'm there to turn it all the way up.
[Laughs.]
Oh, sorry we had to meet here, but the VCR I bought on eBay had a copy of "Captain Ron" jammed in it.
Hello, Ottos.
If you're watching this, it means I'm dead.
Or at least, everyone thinks I'm dead.
Turn around.
Gotcha! [Laughs.]
- [Chuckles.]
- [Chuckles.]
Nope, I'm dead.
All that diet soda has finally caught up with me.
- Yeah.
- You are a fantastic family who welcomed me into your home with open arms, especially you, Oliver.
And that's why I've decided to leave my entire estate and fortune to you and your parents.
- [Gasps.]
- So enjoy being in the 1%.
[Laughs.]
We're rich! From now on, we only shop at Whole Foods! I'm gonna buy those $20 candy bars by the register.
- There's more.
- Oh, there's more.
Greg, there's more! There's more.
- [Static.]
- Hello, Oliver.
I've slept on it, and I thought of something even better to leave you - nothing.
- What? I have no doubt you'll be wildly successful.
There's nothing like the feeling of earning your first million.
Ollie boy, I could never forgive myself if I robbed you of that.
I am so sorry, Oliver.
You can come to the college I'm starting.
Katie and Greg, my father always said, "Family takes care of family," and I want to take care of you.
A prince.
This man was a prince.
So you also get nothing.
A prince of [bleep.]
.
I've seen money tear families apart, and I can't risk ruining the best family I know.
Linda, I don't know what he's talking about.
We're a terrible family.
I hate these people.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, there's more.
- Maybe he changed his mind again.
- 99 Luftballoons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont Spencer was a big fan of videotaping himself doing karaoke.
You'd think for a multi-millionaire, he wouldn't reuse the same tapes.
- Yes, Spencer, yes! - Grandma? - Oh, that's the stuff.
- Keep your voice down.
KATHRYN: I don't want my daughter to know I'm in town on her birthday.
Ugh This is so depressing.
Our rented house, our dented car, that dress shirt I bought you at the hardware store Spencer had us thinking we were gonna be rich.
Why aren't you upset? All you care about it money and you just lost millions.
Because Spencer believed in me.
I'll make it on my own.
It'll mean more that way.
Wow.
I know.
When Oliver makes you want to be a better person, you know you're in a bad place.
I guess you better go in and tell your mom what happened.
Now you can't bribe your stupid mother into loving you anymore.
And you've got to go to Dr.
Paulson and beg for your stupid job back.
Got to be nicer ways we could talk to each other.
Oh, my God, Mom! The house is so clean.
And you made a crown roast of lamb.
So, tell me, how did the will reading go? We got the money.
[Both scream.]
[Laughs.]
Yeah! Dr.
Paulson.
Well, if it isn't Professor Otto, the talk of the tenure board.
Good afternoon.
This is no time for jokes.
Never has anyone so brazenly cast aside the protocol of a tenure review.
Your disruptive, cavalier attitude - I can explain.
- is what this history department needs.
What? Ever.
Whatever.
You have been awarded tenure.
[Applause.]
- Yay! - Whoo! - Happy birthday! - Happy birthday! Oh.
Are you serious? Absolutely.
Everyone else was canned answers, nervous laughter.
They could barely command a classroom, let alone a department.
- Well - You had confidence, gravitas.
We're expecting big things from you.
Oh, and here's your key card to the executive faculty lounge.
[Chorus sings.]
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
How'd it go? It went great.
I got tenure! [Gasps.]
I'm so happy for you! From now on, I don't need to be a nervous wreck all the time.
How'd it go here? Also great.
KATHRYN: Katie, I found two houses right next to each other on the beach, so we can be together.
[Clears throat.]
You didn't tell her.
So you got tenure! What's your endgame here? Eventually, she's gonna realize we're still poor people who are buying the manager's special discounted meat.
That is perfectly good meat.
Expiration dates are a scam.
Katie, you need to tell your mom the truth.
So, what are you two talking about? Katie has something she needs to tell you.
Okay, Greg, you can leave.
This is a sensitive mother-daughter conversation, and she needs to hear it from me.
I understand.
Kathryn, we didn't get the money.
Greg, I was gonna do it! - No, you weren't.
- I know.
You lied to me? If I told you we didn't get the money, you would just leave, and I'm happy that you're hanging out with me.
You never did that when I was growing up.
And I hate to admit this but I like you.
Oh, honey, I like you, too.
I Just sit down.
Look, I know that I wasn't the best mom to you kids growing up.
What? Well, I was hoping maybe you'd jump in and correct me, but fine.
Look, I was convinced that no one was gonna take care of me when I got older, so I I latched on to Spencer.
He was my safety net.
And truth is, I was actually very fond of him.
Was it love? No.
[Sighs.]
But we did have fun together.
And now I I don't have him anymore.
Mom, I know it's not a house on the water, but you always have a place here with us.
Thank you.
We would've never had this moment if he would've given us the money.
So I guess this is our inheritance.
Yeah, but the money would've been nicer.
- I miss it so much.
- Mm.
I finally know what to do with Spencer's ashes.
He was my friend, but he felt more like family.
And like Spencer said, "Family takes care of family.
" So I've decided that he should stay with us.
I think that's the way he would've wanted it.
[Birds chirping.]
Look! He's happy.
We're not gonna be terrorized by a very tan ghost.
[Chuckles.]
Good job.
You did the right thing.
What's this? It's your bill.
You owe me $75,000.
Never should've had you toss me that apple for five grand.
Oliver, Spencer recorded some additional videos for you to give you advice for milestones in your life, to let you know he's always there.
This one is for when you get into Harvard.
This one is for when you make your first million.
This one is for when you get married.
This one is for when you get married again.
This one is how to hide your money when the Feds are on to you.
And this one is just a VHS copy of "9 1/2 Weeks.
" We'll hang on to that one.
Well, that's everything.
It was very nice meeting all of you.
Linda, you have been great.
Do you have a card in case we ever need to hire a lawyer? Sure.
It's a $50,000 retainer, then $200 per hour plus expenses.
We'll just call the guy on the bus bench.
Have a nice life.