Boston Legal s02e20 Episode Script

Robbery isn't as bad as killing a man, and you got me off on that.
There are only two get out of jail free cards in the game, and you've used them both up.
Say hello grandpa.
Hi, paw paw.
Hi.
Hello, sweetheart.
Rachel is using again.
I've decided to do an intervention.
And Fiona? I'll assume custody until Rachel is well.
We always said what a mistake it was for us to get married.
Maybe the blunder was splitting up.
You are getting married, and you're kissing another woman.
Not just any woman.
I promise.
As a concession for keeping the cottage in cape may, you're willing to give up the house in Great Barrington.
And the antique pewter valued at over $70,000.
A considerable gesture of goodwill on your part.
However, there's something that Natalie's determined to get her hands on, and I simply can't permit it My Victorian Erotica collection.
Vic what? Victorian Erotica.
As I'm sure you're aware, much like today, the late 1800s were a socially conservative time.
During repressive eras Pornography thrives.
We prefer "Erotica".
I'm in possession of the premier collection of Victorian Erotica in the western hemisphere.
I intend for it to be my legacy to the world.
Um Just so I'm clear here, we're talking about literature, photos And machinery.
Machinery? The Victorian Era was the height of the industrial age.
Whenever new technology arrives, its first use is erotica.
Much like the Internet and Internet porn.
Erotica.
No, that stuff's just porn.
Um, Clifford, was any of this erotica acquired during your marriage? All of it, actually.
Well, then legally, Natalie is entitled to a significant portion of the collection.
Shirley, my family's money and affairs has been connected to this firm since you opened your doors.
I want my collection.
You'll never get it, Clifford.
And you must be Natalie.
Shirl.
Ivan? You don't normally practice family law.
What are you doing on a divorce case? Professor Cabot's estate has a strong tie to the firm.
He wanted me.
And you? I wanted you.
As a matter of full disclosure, Mr.
Tiggs and I were once married many years ago and could conceivably present a conflict of tersest.
Either one or both of you would be advised to request change of counsel.
I'm not giving up my attorney.
No takers? Great.
Shall we? You don't want to tear apart a collection.
That's why it's called "a collection".
If you spent a little less time with the collection, we might not be here dividing it up now.
People! Before you met me, you'd never even heard of "The Lusty Turk" Clifford If not for me, "Two circus Virgins" would be hanging over someone else's fireplace.
Natalie, Clifford, if neither of you can budge on this, then we will end up in court and a judge will decide your collection's future.
Fine.
Now why don't we take a break and see if we can come up with a better resolution tomorrow.
That's fine.
I'll be right down.
I'll call you.
I thought they'd never leave.
So how is the missus missy? The honeymoon was exceptional.
Guadalupe? An atrociously dull island.
Nothing to do but have sex all day and night.
By the way, Shirley, I'm having an affair.
Huh.
Ivan, you do not disappoint.
You've been married four weeks.
Seemed like five.
And whom are you having the affair with? You.
Well, so far it hasn't been very good for me.
I'm not sure if you follow the morning network news shows, but I caught a couple on the Island.
And according to the experts, one doesn't have to actually have a physical relationship to be considered a cheater.
No kidding? No kidding.
If our friendship Let's just call it that ils deeper than my primary relationship, them technically I'm emotionally cheating on my wife.
That's what Katie and Matt say, and they both have such trusting faces.
Besides humor you, what can I do? Admit you're having an emotional affair with me.
Consider making it physical, since, after all, we're already halfway there And let's call it a day.
I have a better idea, and I'm sure it's something Katie and Matt came up with as well.
Go home to your wife, Ivan.
Are you breaking up with me? Go home to your wife.
Shirley, you know I don't play fair.
That's one of the many reasons you love me.
Did you pack my jean nate? Yes, I packed your jean Nate.
What about my nighttime eye patches? I can't sleep without my nighttime eye patches.
Evening, Adele.
Step on it! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait! Mrs.
Piper! I have warned you before about this.
You leave me no other choice.
Call Boston PD I want her arrested for kidnapping.
Oh, before you do that, dear, could you do one thing? What? Call Alan Shore.
He's in the book.
Why did you try to kidnap this woman? She wasn't kidnapping me.
She was helping me escape.
Oh, come on Alan A crime is being committed here.
Adele is being held prisoner.
Go on.
Adele's been in the hospital suffering from depression.
Her son died recently, and it really devastated her.
Last wee, they took her out of the hospital, and they brought her here to this so-called "Assisted Living Center".
They put her on antidepressants.
She started feeling better, and she asked when she could go home.
That's when she found out the court had assigned a conservator to be in charge of her estate.
Donald Wharton a man she'd never even heard of.
He has my power of attorney.
He has control of my bank accounts, of my property.
He he's selling off my assets.
And he is spending all of my money without my permission.
Adele Do you have any family? Not since my son passed away.
Catherine If you knew this injustice was being done to Adele, why didn't you simply call me before you attempted to kidnap her? Well, dear, you you'd helped me out on those two convenience store robberies, not to mention the murder.
I didn't want to think I was becoming a bother.
So one has only to fill out a few forms, and is then fury licensed by the state? It's that easy.
Now many conservators are perfectly qualified, but the lesser ones are Akin to the Jackal.
They sniff around hospital corridors, hunting for senior citizens with no family ties.
When they corner one, the conservator goes before a judge with an emergency motion, the judge, overburdened with caseloads, quickly grants them a power of attorney, and suddenly, they sink their teeth into that senior's life.
They seize their assess, strip away all their decision making powers, then run up charges, feeding off the estates until the bones have been picked clean.
Wow.
Aren't people grand? Alan, what are you eating? Jamaican ackee.
It tastes like scrambled eggs if you cook it.
No, thanks.
How do you want to proceed with Adele's conservator? Mr.
Wharton? A visit to his den would be a good start.
Hmm, why not? Avoid the pink parts.
They've been known to cause vomiting or death.
The first thing we should talk about is Paul Lewiston.
Let's wait until he gets here.
Well, that's the point.
He's not getting here.
His schedule's been a bit shaky since he's taken custody of his granddaughter.
Granddaughter? Fiona, his daughter Rachel's in Oh, right, right, right.
The druggie.
She's not a druggie.
She has an addition for which she's receiving treatment.
We don't need Paul.
The hell with it.
I'll take care of this.
What's on his plate? Uh, to start with, Paul has final interviews for summer associate candidates.
Boring.
Next.
Uh, it's almost the first of the month.
Someone needs to meet with the building manager.
I'll take that.
And Sam Wolfson wanted some time this week.
Oh, Sam and I go way back.
I'll cover Sam.
Well, folks, there you are.
You see? Problem solved.
Denny Crane Hands on management.
Where's Paul? Oh, dear God.
My absence at this morning's partnership meeting was unavoidable.
I had to take Fiona to the pediatrician.
Perfectly understandable, Paul.
We're just curious when you'll be returning to work full-time.
Shirley, I have recently become the single parent to a 3-year-old child who has no one but me to depend on.
Paul, I know it's hard.
No, it's not about being hard.
It's that my priorities are different now.
And suddenly, this firm doesn't seem so important.
Denny Crane master of the house.
Hello, Denny.
How are things? Couldn't be better.
Paul, I heard about your druggie daughter.
I've got things under control now.
Why don't you take the time you need? Thank you.
I intend to.
Shirley.
"Druggie daughter?" What? We covered the increased security at the front desk, and you're going to repair the water damage on the 14th floor.
Da, I take care of Friday if good.
Very good.
What went smoothly.
So I guess I'll see you next month.
So I'm forgetting something.
Yeah.
Right.
Here's the thing I don't know what it is I'm forgetting.
E envelope.
Are you asking me for a bribe? No! No, no, no, no.
Cretins.
So Are you gonna tell me? Yes, you're zipped.
That's not what I meant.
Denny, do you mind? Shirley, you're my girl.
I rarely look at people's faces other than my own, but your pallor was telling me something.
Man trouble? It's Ivan.
He won't stop until he gets what he wants.
Right now what he wants is me, and for once, I don't trust myself with him.
So why not have an affair with him and get it over with? And what about his sweet, young wife? Not to mention my own morals.
Morals.
Invented by the power elite to keep the hoi pollio from enjoying themselves.
As for the wife, either she won't find out and you'll be fine, or she will and she'll learn.
If he's gonna have an affair with someone, why not be part of the fun? Maybe you should write fortune cookies.
And maybe you should fantasize about him with someone else.
Good-bye, Denny.
Was that too sublet? I meant me.
Wait out here, Adele.
I'll just be a minute.
Catherine, to what do I owe this pleasant surprise? I heard you were going to see Wharton today.
I'm on my way.
I just wanna warn you, don't be fooled by his silly, cherubic face.
I mean, he fools judges, He fools hospital administrators anyone he needs to so he can get his hands on folk like Adele and her pocketbook.
He's a bad man, Alan.
I'm hardly ever fooled.
Oh, come on.
The first time you met me, I'm sure you had no idea I'd be capable of killing a man with a frying pan.
Catherine, when I met you, I was sure you could accomplish anything you set your mind to, and you've yet to disappoint.
Just so you know, I've asked Jesus not to forgive him.
I think Adele has a very good friend.
Oh, Adele and I are old.
If we don't stick up for each other, who will? Hello, Adele.
Clifford, regarding the collection when one is faces with a daunting loss, one tries to hold tightly to something tangible.
as your attorney and as someone who's been there, divorce can play some very nasty tricks on your psyche.
So you're asking, is it conceivable I can't let Natalie go? I'm putting it out there as a possibility.
Given the fact she'd rather spend more time chairing the women's studies department than be with me, and that she's the one that asked for the divorce? Something like that.
The answer is still no.
Shirley, this is my vision.
It's not just some collection of smut, it's an actual window into our history, a look at how we perceive ourselves and our society through a lens of our most primary urges.
I even had this artist's rendering done for a museum I'd like to start.
"Professor Clifford Cabot's Cabinet of Sexual Curiosities".
Now that's just to get them in the door.
I'm beginning to get the idea.
and I think a judge might as well, however I still feel if you don't give a little, you'll stand to lose a lot.
Sorry about the mess.
It's been busy lately.
I can imagine.
Oh, look, Denise.
When's the last time you saw a TV tray? Suddenly I feel like watching "Bonanza".
So you want to talk about Adele? Yes, Adele tells us that you have moved her into an assisted living facility and are selling off her assets.
Well, it's the only way to pay for the place.
They're so damn expensive.
Someone should look into that.
An alternative would be to take her out of the facility and move her back home.
Just a thought.
Oh, I know Adele does not want to be there.
She's fighting me on that one.
Mr.
Wharton, we've met with Adele.
And while she may have had trouble when she first arrived at the hospital, she has since recovered and is ready to move on with her life.
And as her attorneys, we'd like to help you move on with certain things as well.
We've gotten rid of the trouble of court nonsense Notary public, standing in line at the post office You have only to sign this release, and we will relieve you of one of the burdens of your already overburdened workload.
She got to you, didn't she? I beg your pardon? Adele.
She's very good with strangers.
Adele has clinical depression.
You probably saw her on a good day.
She has bouts of forgetfulness, poor judgment, difficulty concentrating.
If I were to let her go, as an appointee of the court, and more importantly, as one of the only people who cares about her, I would be completely remiss.
Mr.
Wharton, what color are Adele's eyes? Uh blue.
They're brown.
What was her son's name? Jonathan.
Mr.
Wharton, as someone who cares about Adele and is supposed to be caring for Adele, you seem to be very forgetful yourself.
Please don't forget your court date.
Denny.
You're panting.
Yes.
Because of me? Because of you.
Lock the door.
Because of you Paul didn't keep his meeting with the building manager and Brad stiffed him.
Now we don't have elevator service before 7:00am, and I had to walk up 14 flights of stairs.
Didn't you? I climb the stairs every morning.
The elevator's for democrats.
Lock the door.
My nipple's hard.
While I appreciate the update on your vestigial teat, you're not horny, you're freezing.
Apparently the heat doesn't go on in the building before 7:00am because Paul didn't keep his special agreement with the building.
You're not gonna lock the door, are you? Denny, you have gotta convince Paul to stay.
Me? Never happen.
The reason you, me, Alan and the rest of us get to go to court and yell "Objection" and sue people and make witnesses cry is Paul.
Paul makes the elevators run.
He supervises the associates, he double-checks the billable.
Well, let me tell you, Shirley, what makes this place run money.
And I bring it in.
You bring it in, Denny.
But Paul puts it to work.
Shirley A supermarket doesn't close cause the cashier quit.
Yes, it does, Denny.
Otherwise people would just walk out with the food.
Good news.
My client, in the spirit of cooperation, has may what I consider an amicable and generous offer.
Natalie is willing to give up the entire erotica collection book, magazines, paintings, photos a collection which includes five first edition copies of "The Pearl".
Which I'm guessing is not a biography of Earl Monroe.
Hardly.
The full title is,"The Pearl; a journal of facetiae and voluptuous reading".
It was first published in London by the society of vice in 1879.
The original, unbound periodicals are exceedingly rare.
And they alone are worth more than the entire rest of the collection put together.
So we understand what we're talking about, perhaps I could read a passage.
Ivan, that wouldn't "I poured into her ears a tale of burning love.
Finding that she made no resistance, I pressed her to my bosom.
I undressed her till she stood in perfect nudity.
I led her to the bedside, she lay back, I sank to my knees, and then with eagerness and tenderness, I " Well, you get the idea.
As cheesy as that was, I do.
Well, that being said, Natalie is willing to give up the collection except for one small item that she currently has in her possession.
Which item? Something called the hysteria machine.
The hysteria machine? That Harridan! What the hell is a hysteria machine? The premier piece of the entire collection.
Why didn't I see this coming? Forget the house, forget the pewter.
She wants to play dirty, so be it.
Ivan, we're going to court.
Sounds like a date.
Your honor, since he became Mrs.
Freeman's conservator, Mr.
Wharton has placed Mrs.
Freeman in a convalescent home against her will, has taken control of all her credit cards.
He has charged exorbitant fees to the estate.
To pay her $90 electric bill, he charged the estate $150.
He charged $170 to bring her less than $50 worth of groceries.
Your honor, these are legitimate expenses.
The truth is, if everyone did their job, helped out with their family, their friends, their neighbors, it would render my job unnecessary.
But we don't.
We, as a society, don't like to care of the old and the weak.
It's a difficult, heart wrenching affair.
Well, I stood up and am doing it.
I have an affidavit from the admitting nurse at the hospital where Adele was first taken.
She says Adele was confused, disoriented and apparently hadn't eaten in several days.
A state any of us might be in after the death of our last surviving family member.
I have an affidavit from The Cottonwood Assisted Living Home, which states Mrs.
Freeman is lucid and rational.
She's lucid because she's well taken care of.
Mr.
Wharton makes a point.
Mrs.
Freeman is 83 and has no family.
What if she goes off her medication? Suppose she takes a fall? Your honor, if that's a concern, I can arrange for her to live with a friend.
A friend, especially a mature friend, is not the same as a family member or a legal conservator.
Your Honor, I I've heard enough from both sides.
I'm assigning a court appointed psychiatrist to examine you, Mrs.
Freeman.
Until I have evidence that you are entirely self-sufficient, you will remain a ward of Mr.
Wharton.
We will reconvene in six weeks after the examination.
Six weeks? Your Honor, for Mrs.
Freeman, that is a lifetime.
And in the court system, it's practically the speed of light.
We're adjourned.
It was actually used as a medical device.
During the Victorian Era, there was an inability or an unwillingness of society to comprehend female sexual desire, so this desire was misinterpreted as "an illness".
It doesn't seem to be working.
Well, it takes a minute or two to get its steam up.
In the meantime, professor Cabot, could you tell us how the hysteria machine works? Women frequently complained of symptoms such as nervousness, uh, heaviness in the abdomen, vaginal lubrication, insomnia and so on.
Doctors referred to these symptoms as hysteria, but of course, they're actually signs of sexual arousal.
Before the invention of this machine, a doctor would, uh, massage a woman until she reached a climactic "Paroxysm," as they called it.
I should've listened to my mother.
She always wanted me to be a doctor.
And how did this machine come into being? A doctor invented it because, well his arm got tired.
Ah, the steam is up, and it's ready to go.
Oh, my God.
It's amazing, isn't it? And I haven't even put the attachments on yet, which go right there.
Oh, my God! It's the only working one of its kind in the world.
It's unique and valuable and irreplaceable.
Would you, uh, shut it off, please? Sorry, your Honor.
A steam engine doesn't just shut off right away.
Mr.
Wharton, unfortunately, what may seem like a small victory is really just postponing the inevitable.
We will prevail, and since I know you're anxious to get home and rake your shag carpet, why don't you just let this one go? Well, mostly because I'm mad.
And for Adele's sake, I'm willing to stay in this for the long haul.
I'll hire my own high priced attorneys at $500 an hour.
And you know where that money comes from, don't you? Adele's bank account.
That's what it's there for To insure the well being of my client.
But don't worry, I'll eventually stop battling you once all the money's run out.
Professor Cabot, don't you intend, eventually, to donate this collection, including the hysteria machine to a museum, a place where everyone could get some pleasure from it? Objection, your Honor.
Leading the witness.
Sustained.
The witness will not answer.
But I got the point anyway.
Please take a seat.
It seems to me that professor Clifford Cabot's motivation for wanting the machine would serve a greater good than your more localized motivations.
I'm inclined to award the machine to professor Clifford Cabot.
Bring it and an inventory of the rest of the collection into court this afternoon, and then I'll decide who gets what.
Alan He's selling her house.
That's my living room, my son Jonathan's bedroom, my kitchen, my bathroom.
My house is a "Charming 3- bedroom with potential.
" What's going on? Mr.
Wharton is even more rancid than I had imagined.
He's attempting to sell Adele's home.
Apparently, this isn't the first time Mr.
Wharton has done this.
According to a title search, he has sold 11 houses belonging to his wards.
And get this, the house he's living in right now belonged to another one of his wards who happened to pass away in her sleep.
This man is pure evil.
Alan, you have gotta get that creative brain of yours to work and stop him.
Yes, I do.
Stolen? Right out of her car.
Oh, no.
It's all she had.
Please, this is ludicrous.
I mean, obviously Mrs.
Cabot doesn't want to surrender the hysteria machine, and she's hiding it fromher husband for her own personal reasons.
That's a shocking accusation.
You know, you're right.
You don't play fair.
What can I say? Your Honor, my client recognizes that the news is causing distress to professor Cabot, and is therefore willing to pay her half of the appraised value.
Nonsense.
the item is question was in Mrs.
Cabot's care and control.
Clearly, this machine is a precious item to him.
I am therefore ordering you pay the full cost of the machine, plus punitive damages I will determine at a later date.
Your Honor, this is unacceptable.
Obviously, she still has the machine.
If it turns up, we will address the matter later.
But until such time, this ruling stands.
You lying bitch.
Don't threaten me.
You think this is over? The judge ruled.
It's not over.
People! Clifford, we need to push forward with this.
If the hysteria machine was stolen, you need to take the necessary and appropriate action.
And as co-owner, you will file a police report, and you will file a claim with your insurance company.
There'll be an investigation.
You'll have to open up your house.
If you give a false statement to the police or, worse these days, the insurance company, you'll be charged with fraud and prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
And from my experiences, the DA's office takes these crimes seriously and often pushes for jail time, where you'll be able to do lots of women's studies.
Shirley.
Now, that's not nice.
Are we being nice now? This is for $4,000, Bob.
A provost is a high-ranking officer commonly found at what type of institution? Museum, hospital, university, bank.
It's university, you idiot.
University.
Final Answer? Final.
Yes, sir.
You got it again, Bob.
Help! Help! Oh, God! Oh, God! Help! Help! Yoo-hoo, anybody home? Mr.
Wharton.
Oh, my goodness.
This is dreadful.
Look at you.
You've been assaulted and robbed.
Oh, the world we live in.
Who on earth would do something such as this? Oh, of course.
You can't speak.
I'll get you a pad and a pencil.
No, that's no good.
Your hands are tied.
My God.
You must have been left here for what, over an hour? It must feel awful to be left alone and vulnerable.
Well, apparently, they made off with nothing more than some dingy old file boxes, which could only contain records, I would imagine.
How stupid are they? I mean, what could they possibly hope to get for that? Anyway, I'm glad it's over.
Let's just pray it never happens again and again and again.
Oh.
Also, obviously, you're in no shape to handle your court appointed duties, particularly with regard to Adele.
Not to worry.
I just happen to have with me that release form from the other day.
Now maybe there's just enough give here to let you sign it.
There's that.
Here you go.
Wonderful.
You know, now that this experience has brought us closer, I feel I can say this.
Sometimes these events are just what one needs to shake things up a bit, make a change.
New job, new direction, new ideas just a thought.
I'm thinking now would be a perfect time to start.
Yes, well, this is much better already.
I feel that foreboding sense of danger fading.
Still, best to stay alert, on the right path.
Because you never know when this kind of thing might happen again.
You only know that it will.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
You didn't actually file a police report? And an insurance claim.
Shirley If, God forbid, the guy who stole this feels remorse and returns it to my client, she could end up going to jail.
It's a tribute to the risks one is willing to take for some momentary pleasure.
Which proves my point, by the way.
It's not just me, it's all of us.
We are all merely sexual animals.
And Shirley, as crude as you might think me at times, at least I put myself out there and act on my instincts.
You must at least admire me for that.
I more than admire you, Ivan, and you know it.
You have a wife who adores you and who you love probably more than you're willing to admit and for her sake, if not more importantly for you own, you need to grow up.
I love you, Shirley.
I love you, too.
Sam.
Denny Crane.
Good to see you.
Oh, look at you.
How's Evenly? She's well.
She's very well.
Thanks for asking.
How is the fishing going this season? In the water or in the bedroom? Well what can we do for you? Shouldn't we wait for Paul Lewiston? Paul's dialing things back a little right now.
Oh, well I'm considering divesting from some of my Hong Kong subsidiaries Really? And, uh I'm sorry.
Is Paul leaving the firm? It's unclear.
But the point is, I'm your point man.
Always have been.
Denny, we've known each other long time, so I don't take any pleasure in being this blunt, but I love having a drink with you, schmoozing.
Right.
Paul's the one I deal with.
I mean, he's the expert in Asian markets, and you Well This is for you.
What is it? Open it.
Denny Just a simple "Thank you, Oh, kind and benevolent leader" will suffice.
I can't accept this.
I thought it was what you always wanted.
I'm sure it's what you thought I always wanted.
You trying to play hardball with me, Paul? Don't tell me this whole thing is simply a matter of respect? Good God, it is.
My mind and my priorities are exactly where they should be right now.
When Rachel gets out, I will be back here full-time, or maybe I won't.
In the meantime, it will give you the opportunity to actually think about things for a change.
God bless us.
We found it.
The antique, steam-powered woman-pleasing machine is always in the last place you look.
You bet.
Now my client is more than thrilled to return it and just ask for visitation right.
However, she cannot do that from jail, and so she requests that the police and insurance claims be withdrawn.
Done.
I just want to check to make sure it's the original machine.
You don't trust me.
Not a bad idea.
I left my wife, Shirley.
Did you? About an hour ago.
So what do you think? To be honest, I'm a little afraid to think.
Well, no need then.
However, you know me.
I do have a question.
And what would that be? Would you like to see my attachments? Denny You're here late.
I run the place.
So You and Shirley that gives us something in common.
A hell of a woman.
We have something else in common.
What's that? We're both leading men.
We're like stars in our own show.
Only the star doesn't have only one leading lady.
Oh, sure, sometimes, at the end of an episode, it looks like he's settling down with someone, but the next week, she's not there.
It's somebody else.
It's a way of holding up viewer interest.
You're a strange man, Denny.
Strange leading man.
You're not gonna hurt her, Ivan.
So whose ass did you have kicked? Someone whose ass thoroughly deserved it.
Good.
I can never understand why people don't use violence more often to solve their problems.
Works every time.
Actually, I'm quite disturbed by it.
I had a real appetite for Mr.
Wharton's fear and suffering.
Is that unusual? For me? Not at all.
What was unusual was how swiftly I acted on my carvings.
It was an emergency.
What else could you do? Something more clever.
Equally disturbing was how easy it all was a quick fix which required very little thought on my part.
Just a phone call.
I wonder what I'm turning into.
Denny Crane.
I think I'm still a long ways away from that.
Don't you worry.
You'll get there.