Brooklyn Nine-Nine s02e20 Episode Script
AC/DC
Heads up there's our perp, looking all perpy, just perping his way down Perp Street.
- Take a picture! - Give me one second.
This light is really unflattering for his complexion.
It doesn't have to be perfect.
Tom Olson is a bad dude.
He's held up four electronic stores at gunpoint.
Man, I wish you hadn't read that Annie Leibovitz book.
Quit calling it a book.
It was a visual journey.
You probably think I should shoot this in color instead of black and white.
Yes! Shoot color! Why have you been shooting black and white? Wait.
Where's he going now? Come on.
Damn it.
NYPD! Freeze! He's trapped! Top-of-car foot chase! My birthday wish finally came true! Keep it up, Jake! He's yours! He's yours! He's yours! I know! I feel like the coolest person in New York City! Ooh, nice pimp walk, pimp.
Well, thank you, pimpin' playa.
Whoa.
That is not a pimp walk.
That's a limp walk.
You sure you should be here today, Jake? I mean, you wiped out hard.
It wasn't so much a wipeout as it was a controlled power fall, Sarge.
Well That's his disagreement squeak.
You wiped out.
What'd the doctor say? Welcome; We haven't seen you in 11 years.
Haven't been to the doctor in 11 years.
How trill is that? Your tone's braggy, but your words are real sad.
Hmm.
Did he clear you for active duty? First of all, the doctor was a woman.
There's a such thing as women doctors, Sarge.
I lied for effect.
It was a man.
And he said that I was perfectly fine, except for three cracked ribs and a broken toe, which were right next to two other broken toes.
Did he clear you or not? He did not.
All right.
Let's get to work, guys.
We got a perp to catch.
Oh, forget that.
Uh-uh.
No.
Look.
There's a APB out for your guy.
Lots of cops are looking for him.
You don't need to be here.
Sarge, I know this case better than anyone, and I am this close to solving it.
Your fingers are really far apart.
Yeah, I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb.
Mankind's least important finger am I right? Sarge, please.
Please.
Please, please, please.
Just let me stay on the case, all right? I promise I won't go into the field or do anything dangerous.
Fine.
You can work the case from right here, but you are tied to your desk.
Ooh.
Tied to my desk.
Mr.
Grey will see you now, Sarge.
You wanted to see me, sir? We have a situation, and it's bad.
Check your e-mail.
- No.
- Yes.
Kevin insists on you and Marcus joining us for dinner at our house.
But we agreed to keep our personal and professional lives separate.
It is weird enough I am dating your nephew without dragging your husband and dog into it.
You think I want this? Because I do not want this.
Sadly, Marcus and Kevin can be held off no longer.
Okay.
So what's our play here? My stomach's a little off.
I could say I'm sick.
Well, I've used the sick excuse for you eight times.
I think they're catching on.
You could say you're sick.
No one would ever believe that.
No.
This is happening.
But don't worry.
I have a plan to keep things from getting too personal.
I'm inviting some intimacy buffers.
Dinner party at your house? Oh, mama! I will be there.
All I ask is that you clear the furniture out of your living room so I can show Kev some of my new dance opera.
Why just some of it? Do the whole thing.
Yes; Nothing would make me happier.
See you Thursday at 8:00.
Copy that, Cap-i-tan! Later, skater.
Yes.
This is wonderful.
The dinner's not for four days, and you're already freaking out.
Excuse me.
Did you not just hear me say, "Later, skater"? All right.
Fine.
There's a slight chance that, in the past, I may have tried a little too hard around the captain.
So this time, I'm gonna be super chill.
Good plan.
Whoa! It just says you got uninvited.
What? Oh, honey.
Oh.
I get it.
You're joking.
See? I'm cool.
I get jokes.
Boyle, have you seen Jake? No.
I was out getting him some healing broth.
I was torn between chicken or beef, but then it hit me.
Goat! What happened? I heard a bang! No.
No bang.
Everything's totally normal.
Really? It looks, to me, like you did something stupid like try to lift a heavy box.
Sarge, come on.
In my condition? Suck it, MacGyver.
Pretty elegant solution, right? No! Everything fell everywhere.
All you had to do was sit at your desk.
What is your problem? I don't have a problem.
I'm just trying to solve this case, and everyone's making a huge deal because I have a few minor injuries to my ribs, ankle, hand, toes, and jaw.
- Jaw? - Yeah, that just happened.
I got hit in the face with a box.
But look.
I'm fine.
- I promise you.
- No, you're not.
I'm done with this, Peralta.
Go home and get better.
Now! All right, fine.
But I'm taking this box of evidence with me.
If you can pick it up, you can take it.
Deal.
See? I'm fine.
Yo, yo, yo! Miss me, miss me, now you got to kiss me! I'm talking to you.
Jake, what are you doing here? It's only been four days.
You're supposed to take a full week off of work.
Come on, Sarge.
Does it look like I'm on the job? Okay then.
What are you doing here? Taking your advice to rest and relax to the next level.
Swinging by to pick up Charles, and then we're headed to sunny, beachy, only recently devastated by a financial crisis Atlantic cit-ay! That's right, suckers.
Jake and I are going on the coolest vacation ever.
Official trip nickname: AC/DC.
Atlantic City Dudes Club.
Yeah.
That's gonna change.
But check it out, Sarge.
Boyle and I are staying at The Ravenna Damn.
This place is luxe.
Yeah, I've been trying to get Jake down there forever.
Had I known all it'd take was a few broken bones, I would've hit him with a baseball bat years ago! Mm-mm.
Sarge, it's a spa and a casino.
A spasino! One of the room service options is a carving station.
Talking prime rib in bed And what's this? I'm using a blanket as a napkin.
That's fancy.
That's fancy.
Real fancy.
All right.
Well, that sounds good, Jake.
Sounds like you guys are gonna have fun.
Oh oh, we will 'cause we're staying at The Ravenna Jake, this is not the Ravenna.
No, it is not, but it is the world-famous Seafam Motel! I think the "O" fell off.
Pretty cool, right? The Ravenna had a four-star restaurant.
This place has a weird amount of dead seagulls, even for AC.
All right.
Fine.
It's not a vacation.
It's a stakeout.
My perp has a brother who lives in this dump, and I think he's hiding out with him here.
Seriously? I was looking forward to this trip.
I can't believe you lied to me.
It wasn't a lie.
It was an illusion! All right.
It was a lie.
I'm sorry.
I had to make it sound really cool so you'd drop everything and come with me.
I can't let Olson walk, and I can't catch him alone.
Plus, this is gonna be super fun! New trip nickname: AC/DC.
Atlantic City Detectives Club.
Oh Okay! Fine! You know I can't say no to a good trip nickname.
There he is.
Ugh! Arm! Rib! Arm! Rib! Shoulder? Ooh.
Marcus.
Detective Diaz.
What a surprise.
I didn't expect you for another 9 1/2 minutes.
See? Told you it was rude to be early.
Well, let's cancel the entire evening and try again next year.
Hey.
She is hilarious.
I thought you might need some help setting up.
Oh, I'll put these in some water.
Thank you.
Marcus, you can help with the boeuf bourguignon.
I subbed shallots for onions in the mirepoix.
No! Are you kidding? I have no idea what he's talking about.
I'm sorry.
We're screwed.
I should just break up with him.
No, no, no, no.
Santiago is always on time.
We only have to make small talk for We better keep it impersonal.
Acceptable topics include what constitutes a grain, the Hubble Space Telescope, orchid varietals, the birth of the transistor We only have to fill 8 minutes.
Sure, but think about it as 480 seconds, and you'll see why I'm concerned.
Oh, my God.
Uh-oh, Amy.
Train's moving real slow.
We're gonna be epically late.
Keep your reaction short and to the point.
I'm running out of mem.
Sorry, Gina.
I hope we're late.
That's how the fashionable crowd lives.
I told you tonight, I'm gonna have fun.
What? I'm being chill.
Why are you looking at me like that? Because something stinks, and it's definitely the food you brought.
I think it smells great.
It's my mom's famous nicoise salad.
Amy, all your cooking stinks.
Why would you even get involved with tuna and egg? No one else seems to mind it.
We mind! We really, really mind.
Just throw it out.
I will not throw it out, but I will open a window because I'm a nice person.
And I'm an even nicer person! Bye-bye, salad! No! Yo! Still no movement.
How was the snack machine? Ah.
Snacks abound! Told you this place was awesome.
My theory is that Olson and his brother have been using it as a home base while they rob places up and down the coast.
Fascinating.
Fascinating.
Do you desire a crispened potato? Ah, don't mind if I dooble.
Wait a minute.
"Crispened potato.
" Why are you fancy-talking? How dare you, sir? I speak the common tongue.
There it is again.
You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.
Hiding? Ha! Pish-posh! Housekeeping! That's not housekeeping! That's betrayal! I can't believe you called the sarge! Hey, Sarge.
Don't "Hey, Sarge," me, Peralta! I'm about to break the rest of your damn body! Okay.
Fine.
I accept my fate.
Just take a picture of my penis first, for posterity, and then do what you must.
Amy says that we should start dinner without her.
Then she writes, "Whatevs," colon, hyphen, closed parenthesis.
Great.
It's much nicer just the four of us.
I mean, we can really get into it.
Yeah, let's do just that.
So Marcus, what orchids can you name? Oh, that's easy.
None.
Uh, well, here are the orchids that I can name.
Beclardia, Beloglottis, Benthamia, Diphylax, Dipodium, Evotella Raymond, you know how much I love hearing you talk about orchids Great.
Then there's Eriaxis But I would love to hear more about our guest.
Rosa, tell us about your family.
I have one.
You got to give him more deets than that.
Her father's a teacher.
They're from Bensonhurst.
Speaking of which, have they finished repairing the Hubble Space Telescope? Yes.
Six years ago.
So do you have siblings? I have two sisters.
I have to leave this.
Phew! Great idea.
Take a breather.
That was way too personal.
No one needs to know you have sisters.
New topic: The moons of Jupiter.
I think I might be pregnant.
Oh.
Oh Oh, n No.
I came down here to stop you from doing something stupid.
I called the ACPD and told them we had a possible perp at this motel.
They're sending a squad car.
Wow, Boyle.
The fact that you would sell me out after I brought you to Atlantic City on a half-expenses-paid, best-friend trip.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just I was worried about you getting hurt.
No, Charles! Don't apologize! We're mad at him! I had to miss family dinner to drive my ass out here.
Well, no one asked you to do that.
Actually, I did.
Remember? I betrayed you.
Charles, what are you doing, bud? I just dug you out of this.
Peralta, we're going home as soon as that squad car gets here.
Until then, you sit tight.
You're on time out.
That's your time-out chair.
Fine, but first, I have to go to the bathroom.
And it will be work, due to my injured tailbone and bruised bladder.
What the hell? Oh.
Please be Olson.
Please be Olson.
Please be Olson.
You're not Olson.
Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
I should be at home, taking care of my real babies.
Not some big, dumb work baby.
I know you're upset, Sarge, but I think the fact that you came all the way down here has really taught Jake a lesson.
Help! And I'm wrong.
He's done something dumb.
- Help! Help! - Cover yourself, Jake.
It's your friend Charles Boyle from work! Hey, guys.
What the hell are you doing out there, Peralta? Would you believe that my urine stream was so powerful that it - No! - Okay.
I thought I saw our perp, and I know I'm not supposed to be working, but technically, I wasn't working because it wasn't our guy.
Get out of the bathroom! Yeah.
We're gonna go sit on those gross beds and talk about the fact that you have a real problem! Okay, I get that you're mad, and we are definitely gonna talk, but I still haven't, technically, gotten to go pee, so if you wouldn't mind I don't care.
You have lost the right to pee.
You can fidget, little man.
Well, it's gonna be on you when we're all covered in my whiz.
Get your ass out there.
Are your bosoms tender? I'm gonna pretend that you didn't just ask me that.
Are your senses heightened? I think I might be pregnant, not bitten by a radioactive spider.
Kevin asked me about my sister.
She just told me she's pregnant, and that made me think I've been feeling run down lately, my stomach's been weird, and I just did the math in my head and I think I'm a little bit late.
Late to Oh, right.
Right.
Your What if I'm pregnant? Do I tell Marcus? What do I do with a baby? How do you take care of those things? Why are their heads so soft? Before you spiral any more, you should take a pregnancy test.
Yes.
Smart.
Immediately.
Oh.
Immediately immediately.
Very well.
I'll figure out a way to get you out of here without arousing suspicion.
Now I'm regretting blowing through my orchid material so quickly.
Jake, you put work ahead of everything else, and it's not healthy.
Remember Cagney and Lacey's third birthday party? I hired you as Jakels the Clown.
How'd that go? And Jeremy the giraffe has a very long neck! That's it.
That little girl was strangled! You were thinking that at a kid's party.
Life is more than just whatever case you're working on.
If you don't figure out how to balance things, you're gonna burn out or get hurt.
Oh, look.
You did get hurt.
Okay! Fine.
You guys make some great points, but counterpoint: I am right all the time.
There's our perp.
All right.
Let's go! Jake! Observe him from a safe distance while we wait for the Atlantic City PD to show up.
My exact instinct as well, Sarge.
Good thinking.
Oh, no.
Are you certain we have to cut the party short? Yes; Unfortunately, Detective Diaz has an unexpected emergency to take care of.
All right.
Do you need to go as well? No; It's not quite captain-worthy.
But still advanced enough that Detective Diaz's talents are best qualified to handle the Non-emergency emergency.
Yes.
Precisely.
See? She's great.
I should go do that.
Now.
Yes.
- Hey.
What's up? - Hi.
Sorry we're so late.
Actually, the party is over.
What? The party is over! Oh, I see.
You heard me.
You were just taken by surprise.
Very well.
Good night.
But oh! All I wanted to do was impress Captain Holt, and you know what? It didn't matter.
It didn't matter that we were late, it didn't matter that I was chill, and it didn't matter that the rats ate my salad.
Oh, no.
I definitely saw them running away from it.
You know what, my friend? It's time to be chill for real.
Mmm.
Yes, Gaga! Yes! That's the spirit! We should go.
Yep.
Damn ACPD.
They should be here by now.
He's looking at us.
Pretend to use the ice machine, Boyle.
Gladly! Why is it so fun to get hotel ice? It feels wasteful, but also, like, "I bought this room.
I deserve this ice.
" Shh! He's on the move.
Okay.
I'll follow him till the ACPD get here.
Damn it! Stay put, Peralta! I will! Don't worry! I'm just gonna let Sarge follow him.
I'm gonna stay right here.
I can't do it.
I'm gonna cut him off in the alley! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ha! Shortcut! You just got Jaked! Oh! Oh, Jake! Oh! Ooh! Jake! You okay? No, Sarge.
I got hit by a car! You happy now? Broken ribs and a million broken toes weren't enough for you? In retrospect, they were plenty.
Yes.
The worst part is, Olson got away.
That's the worst part? You could've died, man.
I wasn't hurt that badly.
The doctor said all my bleeding was internal.
That's where the blood's supposed to be.
Look, I know you're angry because I disrespected you as a boss.
No! I'm upset my friend doesn't want my help because he insists on being an idiot! You know what? You're a lost cause.
I'm done trying to help you.
Terry's leaving.
Wait.
My second year on the force, I was working a drug case, tracking this drug dealer for months.
Then, suddenly, he disappeared right before Memorial Day, which I was supposed to take off for a guys' weekend with some friends.
But how? We didn't know each other yet.
Oh.
Other friends.
While I was gone, the dude resurfaced and got into a shootout with another drug dealer.
Two civilians got shot.
Meanwhile I was sipping piña coladas in Philly.
From that day on, I vowed to never take time off during a case.
Also, I don't love Philly.
Jake, I get it.
- Philly sucks.
- Yeah.
But why didn't you ever tell us? I was embarrassed about the choice I made.
People got hurt because of me.
Perps get away.
People get hurt.
That's part of the job.
But if you don't give yourself a break, you'll be no use to anyone.
Because you'll be dead.
Real talk alert! Okay.
I get it.
I'd give you a hug, but right now, my body has the structural integrity of a chocolate soufflé.
Ooh! I am so hungover.
Did we steal these sunglasses last night? No.
You paid the bodega guy $200 for them.
And his shirt.
Ooh.
That explains why I have a triple XL Scarface hoodie on my couch.
Eh, worth it.
It was a pretty fun night.
Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for cancelling the party so abruptly.
There was a non-emergency emergency.
Your loss.
Amy made a salad and a cake, and they were Amazing.
Well, let's put a make-up dinner in the calendar.
Or we could just go with the flow.
See what happens.
I don't give a what? Too much.
I mean, that would be great.
Thank you, sir.
Captain.
Detective Diaz.
I'm not pregnant.
I see.
I just wanted to say thank you.
Talking to you was really helpful.
Maybe mixing our personal and professional lives isn't as disgusting as it sounds.
Yes, I agree.
And I'm glad I could help.
Now, let's never talk about Stop pointing at it.
Yes.
Of course.
Um Dismissed? Yo! Welcome back, Peralta.
You look rested.
Thank you.
I am.
I caught up on a lot of very important daytime television.
I tried grapefruit juice for the first time terrible and one day, I even bought the newspaper.
It was raining, and I needed a cheap umbrella.
Impressive.
And how's your broken everything? Doctor gave me the all-clear to come back to work, and I'm allowed to have light, non-strenuous sex, provided I stretch before and after.
Nice.
Well, it's great to have you back.
Your perp got picked up by some uniforms in the Seven-Eight, but I have a couple other B&Es you could jump on.
Oh, actually, Sarge, I'm not back-back just yet.
I decided to take two more vacation days.
A friend of mine said I needed to experience life outside of work.
Smart friend.
Anyways, I figured I owed Boyle a legit trip to AC, so.
That's right, y'all! It's time for AC/DC: Part Two.
Atlantic City Destruction Crew.
Actually, not bad.
Because we are going to destroy eight different taffy crawls and one "Ghosts of the Boardwalk" bus tour! Not where I saw that going, but I'm still excited! Ha ho! This is gonna be epic, bro! Quick, Sarge! Punch me in the ribs as hard as you can!
- Take a picture! - Give me one second.
This light is really unflattering for his complexion.
It doesn't have to be perfect.
Tom Olson is a bad dude.
He's held up four electronic stores at gunpoint.
Man, I wish you hadn't read that Annie Leibovitz book.
Quit calling it a book.
It was a visual journey.
You probably think I should shoot this in color instead of black and white.
Yes! Shoot color! Why have you been shooting black and white? Wait.
Where's he going now? Come on.
Damn it.
NYPD! Freeze! He's trapped! Top-of-car foot chase! My birthday wish finally came true! Keep it up, Jake! He's yours! He's yours! He's yours! I know! I feel like the coolest person in New York City! Ooh, nice pimp walk, pimp.
Well, thank you, pimpin' playa.
Whoa.
That is not a pimp walk.
That's a limp walk.
You sure you should be here today, Jake? I mean, you wiped out hard.
It wasn't so much a wipeout as it was a controlled power fall, Sarge.
Well That's his disagreement squeak.
You wiped out.
What'd the doctor say? Welcome; We haven't seen you in 11 years.
Haven't been to the doctor in 11 years.
How trill is that? Your tone's braggy, but your words are real sad.
Hmm.
Did he clear you for active duty? First of all, the doctor was a woman.
There's a such thing as women doctors, Sarge.
I lied for effect.
It was a man.
And he said that I was perfectly fine, except for three cracked ribs and a broken toe, which were right next to two other broken toes.
Did he clear you or not? He did not.
All right.
Let's get to work, guys.
We got a perp to catch.
Oh, forget that.
Uh-uh.
No.
Look.
There's a APB out for your guy.
Lots of cops are looking for him.
You don't need to be here.
Sarge, I know this case better than anyone, and I am this close to solving it.
Your fingers are really far apart.
Yeah, I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb.
Mankind's least important finger am I right? Sarge, please.
Please.
Please, please, please.
Just let me stay on the case, all right? I promise I won't go into the field or do anything dangerous.
Fine.
You can work the case from right here, but you are tied to your desk.
Ooh.
Tied to my desk.
Mr.
Grey will see you now, Sarge.
You wanted to see me, sir? We have a situation, and it's bad.
Check your e-mail.
- No.
- Yes.
Kevin insists on you and Marcus joining us for dinner at our house.
But we agreed to keep our personal and professional lives separate.
It is weird enough I am dating your nephew without dragging your husband and dog into it.
You think I want this? Because I do not want this.
Sadly, Marcus and Kevin can be held off no longer.
Okay.
So what's our play here? My stomach's a little off.
I could say I'm sick.
Well, I've used the sick excuse for you eight times.
I think they're catching on.
You could say you're sick.
No one would ever believe that.
No.
This is happening.
But don't worry.
I have a plan to keep things from getting too personal.
I'm inviting some intimacy buffers.
Dinner party at your house? Oh, mama! I will be there.
All I ask is that you clear the furniture out of your living room so I can show Kev some of my new dance opera.
Why just some of it? Do the whole thing.
Yes; Nothing would make me happier.
See you Thursday at 8:00.
Copy that, Cap-i-tan! Later, skater.
Yes.
This is wonderful.
The dinner's not for four days, and you're already freaking out.
Excuse me.
Did you not just hear me say, "Later, skater"? All right.
Fine.
There's a slight chance that, in the past, I may have tried a little too hard around the captain.
So this time, I'm gonna be super chill.
Good plan.
Whoa! It just says you got uninvited.
What? Oh, honey.
Oh.
I get it.
You're joking.
See? I'm cool.
I get jokes.
Boyle, have you seen Jake? No.
I was out getting him some healing broth.
I was torn between chicken or beef, but then it hit me.
Goat! What happened? I heard a bang! No.
No bang.
Everything's totally normal.
Really? It looks, to me, like you did something stupid like try to lift a heavy box.
Sarge, come on.
In my condition? Suck it, MacGyver.
Pretty elegant solution, right? No! Everything fell everywhere.
All you had to do was sit at your desk.
What is your problem? I don't have a problem.
I'm just trying to solve this case, and everyone's making a huge deal because I have a few minor injuries to my ribs, ankle, hand, toes, and jaw.
- Jaw? - Yeah, that just happened.
I got hit in the face with a box.
But look.
I'm fine.
- I promise you.
- No, you're not.
I'm done with this, Peralta.
Go home and get better.
Now! All right, fine.
But I'm taking this box of evidence with me.
If you can pick it up, you can take it.
Deal.
See? I'm fine.
Yo, yo, yo! Miss me, miss me, now you got to kiss me! I'm talking to you.
Jake, what are you doing here? It's only been four days.
You're supposed to take a full week off of work.
Come on, Sarge.
Does it look like I'm on the job? Okay then.
What are you doing here? Taking your advice to rest and relax to the next level.
Swinging by to pick up Charles, and then we're headed to sunny, beachy, only recently devastated by a financial crisis Atlantic cit-ay! That's right, suckers.
Jake and I are going on the coolest vacation ever.
Official trip nickname: AC/DC.
Atlantic City Dudes Club.
Yeah.
That's gonna change.
But check it out, Sarge.
Boyle and I are staying at The Ravenna Damn.
This place is luxe.
Yeah, I've been trying to get Jake down there forever.
Had I known all it'd take was a few broken bones, I would've hit him with a baseball bat years ago! Mm-mm.
Sarge, it's a spa and a casino.
A spasino! One of the room service options is a carving station.
Talking prime rib in bed And what's this? I'm using a blanket as a napkin.
That's fancy.
That's fancy.
Real fancy.
All right.
Well, that sounds good, Jake.
Sounds like you guys are gonna have fun.
Oh oh, we will 'cause we're staying at The Ravenna Jake, this is not the Ravenna.
No, it is not, but it is the world-famous Seafam Motel! I think the "O" fell off.
Pretty cool, right? The Ravenna had a four-star restaurant.
This place has a weird amount of dead seagulls, even for AC.
All right.
Fine.
It's not a vacation.
It's a stakeout.
My perp has a brother who lives in this dump, and I think he's hiding out with him here.
Seriously? I was looking forward to this trip.
I can't believe you lied to me.
It wasn't a lie.
It was an illusion! All right.
It was a lie.
I'm sorry.
I had to make it sound really cool so you'd drop everything and come with me.
I can't let Olson walk, and I can't catch him alone.
Plus, this is gonna be super fun! New trip nickname: AC/DC.
Atlantic City Detectives Club.
Oh Okay! Fine! You know I can't say no to a good trip nickname.
There he is.
Ugh! Arm! Rib! Arm! Rib! Shoulder? Ooh.
Marcus.
Detective Diaz.
What a surprise.
I didn't expect you for another 9 1/2 minutes.
See? Told you it was rude to be early.
Well, let's cancel the entire evening and try again next year.
Hey.
She is hilarious.
I thought you might need some help setting up.
Oh, I'll put these in some water.
Thank you.
Marcus, you can help with the boeuf bourguignon.
I subbed shallots for onions in the mirepoix.
No! Are you kidding? I have no idea what he's talking about.
I'm sorry.
We're screwed.
I should just break up with him.
No, no, no, no.
Santiago is always on time.
We only have to make small talk for We better keep it impersonal.
Acceptable topics include what constitutes a grain, the Hubble Space Telescope, orchid varietals, the birth of the transistor We only have to fill 8 minutes.
Sure, but think about it as 480 seconds, and you'll see why I'm concerned.
Oh, my God.
Uh-oh, Amy.
Train's moving real slow.
We're gonna be epically late.
Keep your reaction short and to the point.
I'm running out of mem.
Sorry, Gina.
I hope we're late.
That's how the fashionable crowd lives.
I told you tonight, I'm gonna have fun.
What? I'm being chill.
Why are you looking at me like that? Because something stinks, and it's definitely the food you brought.
I think it smells great.
It's my mom's famous nicoise salad.
Amy, all your cooking stinks.
Why would you even get involved with tuna and egg? No one else seems to mind it.
We mind! We really, really mind.
Just throw it out.
I will not throw it out, but I will open a window because I'm a nice person.
And I'm an even nicer person! Bye-bye, salad! No! Yo! Still no movement.
How was the snack machine? Ah.
Snacks abound! Told you this place was awesome.
My theory is that Olson and his brother have been using it as a home base while they rob places up and down the coast.
Fascinating.
Fascinating.
Do you desire a crispened potato? Ah, don't mind if I dooble.
Wait a minute.
"Crispened potato.
" Why are you fancy-talking? How dare you, sir? I speak the common tongue.
There it is again.
You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.
Hiding? Ha! Pish-posh! Housekeeping! That's not housekeeping! That's betrayal! I can't believe you called the sarge! Hey, Sarge.
Don't "Hey, Sarge," me, Peralta! I'm about to break the rest of your damn body! Okay.
Fine.
I accept my fate.
Just take a picture of my penis first, for posterity, and then do what you must.
Amy says that we should start dinner without her.
Then she writes, "Whatevs," colon, hyphen, closed parenthesis.
Great.
It's much nicer just the four of us.
I mean, we can really get into it.
Yeah, let's do just that.
So Marcus, what orchids can you name? Oh, that's easy.
None.
Uh, well, here are the orchids that I can name.
Beclardia, Beloglottis, Benthamia, Diphylax, Dipodium, Evotella Raymond, you know how much I love hearing you talk about orchids Great.
Then there's Eriaxis But I would love to hear more about our guest.
Rosa, tell us about your family.
I have one.
You got to give him more deets than that.
Her father's a teacher.
They're from Bensonhurst.
Speaking of which, have they finished repairing the Hubble Space Telescope? Yes.
Six years ago.
So do you have siblings? I have two sisters.
I have to leave this.
Phew! Great idea.
Take a breather.
That was way too personal.
No one needs to know you have sisters.
New topic: The moons of Jupiter.
I think I might be pregnant.
Oh.
Oh Oh, n No.
I came down here to stop you from doing something stupid.
I called the ACPD and told them we had a possible perp at this motel.
They're sending a squad car.
Wow, Boyle.
The fact that you would sell me out after I brought you to Atlantic City on a half-expenses-paid, best-friend trip.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just I was worried about you getting hurt.
No, Charles! Don't apologize! We're mad at him! I had to miss family dinner to drive my ass out here.
Well, no one asked you to do that.
Actually, I did.
Remember? I betrayed you.
Charles, what are you doing, bud? I just dug you out of this.
Peralta, we're going home as soon as that squad car gets here.
Until then, you sit tight.
You're on time out.
That's your time-out chair.
Fine, but first, I have to go to the bathroom.
And it will be work, due to my injured tailbone and bruised bladder.
What the hell? Oh.
Please be Olson.
Please be Olson.
Please be Olson.
You're not Olson.
Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
I should be at home, taking care of my real babies.
Not some big, dumb work baby.
I know you're upset, Sarge, but I think the fact that you came all the way down here has really taught Jake a lesson.
Help! And I'm wrong.
He's done something dumb.
- Help! Help! - Cover yourself, Jake.
It's your friend Charles Boyle from work! Hey, guys.
What the hell are you doing out there, Peralta? Would you believe that my urine stream was so powerful that it - No! - Okay.
I thought I saw our perp, and I know I'm not supposed to be working, but technically, I wasn't working because it wasn't our guy.
Get out of the bathroom! Yeah.
We're gonna go sit on those gross beds and talk about the fact that you have a real problem! Okay, I get that you're mad, and we are definitely gonna talk, but I still haven't, technically, gotten to go pee, so if you wouldn't mind I don't care.
You have lost the right to pee.
You can fidget, little man.
Well, it's gonna be on you when we're all covered in my whiz.
Get your ass out there.
Are your bosoms tender? I'm gonna pretend that you didn't just ask me that.
Are your senses heightened? I think I might be pregnant, not bitten by a radioactive spider.
Kevin asked me about my sister.
She just told me she's pregnant, and that made me think I've been feeling run down lately, my stomach's been weird, and I just did the math in my head and I think I'm a little bit late.
Late to Oh, right.
Right.
Your What if I'm pregnant? Do I tell Marcus? What do I do with a baby? How do you take care of those things? Why are their heads so soft? Before you spiral any more, you should take a pregnancy test.
Yes.
Smart.
Immediately.
Oh.
Immediately immediately.
Very well.
I'll figure out a way to get you out of here without arousing suspicion.
Now I'm regretting blowing through my orchid material so quickly.
Jake, you put work ahead of everything else, and it's not healthy.
Remember Cagney and Lacey's third birthday party? I hired you as Jakels the Clown.
How'd that go? And Jeremy the giraffe has a very long neck! That's it.
That little girl was strangled! You were thinking that at a kid's party.
Life is more than just whatever case you're working on.
If you don't figure out how to balance things, you're gonna burn out or get hurt.
Oh, look.
You did get hurt.
Okay! Fine.
You guys make some great points, but counterpoint: I am right all the time.
There's our perp.
All right.
Let's go! Jake! Observe him from a safe distance while we wait for the Atlantic City PD to show up.
My exact instinct as well, Sarge.
Good thinking.
Oh, no.
Are you certain we have to cut the party short? Yes; Unfortunately, Detective Diaz has an unexpected emergency to take care of.
All right.
Do you need to go as well? No; It's not quite captain-worthy.
But still advanced enough that Detective Diaz's talents are best qualified to handle the Non-emergency emergency.
Yes.
Precisely.
See? She's great.
I should go do that.
Now.
Yes.
- Hey.
What's up? - Hi.
Sorry we're so late.
Actually, the party is over.
What? The party is over! Oh, I see.
You heard me.
You were just taken by surprise.
Very well.
Good night.
But oh! All I wanted to do was impress Captain Holt, and you know what? It didn't matter.
It didn't matter that we were late, it didn't matter that I was chill, and it didn't matter that the rats ate my salad.
Oh, no.
I definitely saw them running away from it.
You know what, my friend? It's time to be chill for real.
Mmm.
Yes, Gaga! Yes! That's the spirit! We should go.
Yep.
Damn ACPD.
They should be here by now.
He's looking at us.
Pretend to use the ice machine, Boyle.
Gladly! Why is it so fun to get hotel ice? It feels wasteful, but also, like, "I bought this room.
I deserve this ice.
" Shh! He's on the move.
Okay.
I'll follow him till the ACPD get here.
Damn it! Stay put, Peralta! I will! Don't worry! I'm just gonna let Sarge follow him.
I'm gonna stay right here.
I can't do it.
I'm gonna cut him off in the alley! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ha! Shortcut! You just got Jaked! Oh! Oh, Jake! Oh! Ooh! Jake! You okay? No, Sarge.
I got hit by a car! You happy now? Broken ribs and a million broken toes weren't enough for you? In retrospect, they were plenty.
Yes.
The worst part is, Olson got away.
That's the worst part? You could've died, man.
I wasn't hurt that badly.
The doctor said all my bleeding was internal.
That's where the blood's supposed to be.
Look, I know you're angry because I disrespected you as a boss.
No! I'm upset my friend doesn't want my help because he insists on being an idiot! You know what? You're a lost cause.
I'm done trying to help you.
Terry's leaving.
Wait.
My second year on the force, I was working a drug case, tracking this drug dealer for months.
Then, suddenly, he disappeared right before Memorial Day, which I was supposed to take off for a guys' weekend with some friends.
But how? We didn't know each other yet.
Oh.
Other friends.
While I was gone, the dude resurfaced and got into a shootout with another drug dealer.
Two civilians got shot.
Meanwhile I was sipping piña coladas in Philly.
From that day on, I vowed to never take time off during a case.
Also, I don't love Philly.
Jake, I get it.
- Philly sucks.
- Yeah.
But why didn't you ever tell us? I was embarrassed about the choice I made.
People got hurt because of me.
Perps get away.
People get hurt.
That's part of the job.
But if you don't give yourself a break, you'll be no use to anyone.
Because you'll be dead.
Real talk alert! Okay.
I get it.
I'd give you a hug, but right now, my body has the structural integrity of a chocolate soufflé.
Ooh! I am so hungover.
Did we steal these sunglasses last night? No.
You paid the bodega guy $200 for them.
And his shirt.
Ooh.
That explains why I have a triple XL Scarface hoodie on my couch.
Eh, worth it.
It was a pretty fun night.
Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for cancelling the party so abruptly.
There was a non-emergency emergency.
Your loss.
Amy made a salad and a cake, and they were Amazing.
Well, let's put a make-up dinner in the calendar.
Or we could just go with the flow.
See what happens.
I don't give a what? Too much.
I mean, that would be great.
Thank you, sir.
Captain.
Detective Diaz.
I'm not pregnant.
I see.
I just wanted to say thank you.
Talking to you was really helpful.
Maybe mixing our personal and professional lives isn't as disgusting as it sounds.
Yes, I agree.
And I'm glad I could help.
Now, let's never talk about Stop pointing at it.
Yes.
Of course.
Um Dismissed? Yo! Welcome back, Peralta.
You look rested.
Thank you.
I am.
I caught up on a lot of very important daytime television.
I tried grapefruit juice for the first time terrible and one day, I even bought the newspaper.
It was raining, and I needed a cheap umbrella.
Impressive.
And how's your broken everything? Doctor gave me the all-clear to come back to work, and I'm allowed to have light, non-strenuous sex, provided I stretch before and after.
Nice.
Well, it's great to have you back.
Your perp got picked up by some uniforms in the Seven-Eight, but I have a couple other B&Es you could jump on.
Oh, actually, Sarge, I'm not back-back just yet.
I decided to take two more vacation days.
A friend of mine said I needed to experience life outside of work.
Smart friend.
Anyways, I figured I owed Boyle a legit trip to AC, so.
That's right, y'all! It's time for AC/DC: Part Two.
Atlantic City Destruction Crew.
Actually, not bad.
Because we are going to destroy eight different taffy crawls and one "Ghosts of the Boardwalk" bus tour! Not where I saw that going, but I'm still excited! Ha ho! This is gonna be epic, bro! Quick, Sarge! Punch me in the ribs as hard as you can!