Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e20 Episode Script

[holiday music.]
- oh, christmas tree oh, christmas tree how lovely are thy Branches.
- [chuckles.]
well, there you go, scott.
Merry christmas.
- Reggie, what is this? - Well, you told me to throw out the christmas bonuses And bring you a bag of garbage.
- Reggie, I told you to throw out the bag of garbage And bring me the christmas bonuses.
- Oh, no.
- Reggie, it's christmas eve-- everyone knows that I hand out The holiday bonuses at the end of tonight's show.
- If they don't get those bonuses, Christmas will be ruined.
What do we do? - Wait a minute.
What are we saying? It's the holidays-- there's bound to be Some sort of christmas miracle by the end Of tonight's show, right? - Yeah, I mean, that's tv holiday episode 101.
Is that a christmas miracle? - Oh, no.
Ah! [soul music.]
- It's comedy bang! Bang! - [inhales.]
comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey, there.
Welcome to the show.
I'm scott aukerman.
We have a great one tonight.
In fact, I'd love to tell you who is gonna be on it, But, uh, has anyone seen my cue cards? - [ghostly voice.]
scott.
Scott.
- Holy underdone potato.
Who are you? - Ask me who I was.
- Who was you? - I was your segment producer.
Yes, the one who was married to don.
- From earlier in the season? - Yes.
- You died? - Yes, I died In very unusual circumstances.
But that's not important now, so, scott Tonight you will be visited by three guests.
- Wait, guests, not ghosts? - Yes, including santa.
- Oh.
- Okay, actually, that was my last thing I left to do On earth, so I'm gonna shut it down.
Thanks, scootch.
Don, here I come! Thank you.
- Hmm.
Let's say hi to our good friend reggie watts.
[quirky holiday music.]
The sound of christmas-- Beautiful discordant bells.
- Thank you.
- Hey, reggie, I wanted to tell you, Remember that christmas present I got you last week-- The beautiful antique clock? - Oh, yeah, yeah, totally.
Yeah, it's on my mantel in my living room.
- Well, "reg," confession time-- It's not a clock at all.
It's actually a hidden camera.
And we've been secretly filming you This whole week.
[both laugh.]
In fact, it's time for a little segment we call "what does reggie do at home?" [holiday music.]
- This is gonna be so embarrassing.
- All right, let's take a look.
- Yeah.
[door opens, wind whistles.]
[door closes, reggie groans.]
Good evening, dear.
Junior.
- What is for dinner, mother? My stomach aches.
'tis so empty.
- All we have is porridge, child.
And it's not much, so make it last.
- Father? - Yes? - Might we have a turkey one day? - I am sorry.
We cannot afford it.
Mr.
Aukerman only pays me - Oh, when will that cruel miser increase your pay? - I'll have you not speak that way of mr.
Aukerman.
He's a good man.
He's given us this antique clock.
- Oh, we should sell that cursed clock at the pawnshop.
'tis useless as tits on a bull.
We need money for junior's surgery, Or else he'll die.
- I'm getting a bonus at the holiday party.
We'll be able to pay for the surgery.
- [coughing.]
- I'll get some water.
- Oh.
- Oh! [clatter, goofy sound effects.]
[laughing.]
oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Confession time-- I'm a klutz.
- All right, reggie.
Well, that's fine.
Tell you what, I got you a real present this time.
It's a replica of a video camera.
- Oh, my god.
That is so cool.
I'm gonna put that in the bathroom Right across from where my wife shits.
- Wonderful.
All right, well, let's get to our first guest.
You know him, you love him, You pray to him all christmas season.
Please welcome santa claus.
- santa claus is here joy to the world - reginald.
How are you? - joy to the world - both two good boys.
- joy to the world - Thank you so much, santa.
You say I'm a good boy? - Yeah, you've always been a good boy, Both of you guys.
- Thank you so much.
Santa, I'm just fascinated With your whole operation.
I've always been a big fan.
You've kind of been my dream guest To have on the show.
- Oh, thanks.
It's, uh--I've always wanted to be on your show.
- Thank you so much.
Well, could you just kind of take me through the whole thing? For instance, do you deliver presents to people Exclusively on earth or on other planets as well? - There was a time, '77 to '79, Where we did explore with going to other places.
We got a committee together, and we-- You know, we looked into it, but it was not cost-effective.
And the reindeer were freaked out by other dimensions And other kind of atmospheres, so we canned that idea.
So we're just--mostly just an earth-based outfit.
Reginald.
- How long have you known reggie? - Since his conception.
- That's true.
- Like, that's one of the perks Of santa claus.
- Mm-hmm.
- You get to sit in On the conception of children.
- You're actually watching mom and dad.
- It's part of a early-detection plan, is what we called it, To see what the parents were like, To see what the kids might turn out to be.
I mean, I've known you since-- I've known everybody since-- - Do you actually watch Every time a mom and dad tries as well? - Yeah.
- I was gonna say, Most of the year you probably don't do anything, But you must constantly be So, santa, what is your favo holiday? - I've never thought about it.
Oh, boy.
Easter's always fun if the weather's nice.
Presidents day is nice, 'cause there's sheet sales.
I like thanksgiving, Because, you know, I'm a tryptophane nut.
New year's is usually a bad thing for me 'cause I'm so tired.
I don't like "groundhogs day" Or any bill murray movies.
July 4th--you know, I'm not really an american, though.
Don't tell the public.
Uh, I--christmas is good.
I like christmas.
- So, santa, what are your favorite christmas movies? - Oh, god, there's so many.
Die hard and batman returns-- Right off the top of my head.
- Great ones.
- Yeah.
You know, could I ask you something? - Sure.
Yeah.
- It might be weird, But can I sit on your lap? - You want to sit on my lap? - Yeah.
- Why? - You know, everybody's always sitting on my lap, And when I was flying down here From the north pole today, I thought To myself, "you know what?" - So you just want to sit on someone else's lap For a change? - Yeah, yeah.
And I thought, you know, I was flying down here, Southwest airlines, great airline, By the way.
- You didn't take the sleigh? - No.
You only-- you can't-- There's rules to this whole thing.
You can't just, you know, make up your own rules, You dumb [bleep.]
.
- How's that? - A bit bony.
- Yeah, I'm kind of skinny.
- Yeah.
Ah, your lap is crap.
- [chuckles.]
- So, santa, what do you do when christmas is all over? - I get off my sleigh, I de-robe, I get in the hot tub, and I take a nice, long soak.
Then I have a couple cans of coors light And I think, "you know what? This is gonna be the last time I do this.
" And then I think, "hey, santa, "you asshole, You ain't never gonna stop doing this, you know.
" - Great.
I hope you never do.
So tell me about that toy workshop Up at the north pole.
That place must be great, huh? - It is great.
It's a lot of fun.
A lot of cool cats that work up there.
I have great elves.
I have a great elf staff.
They all graduated With high honors from vest point.
- Vest point? - Yeah.
- What's that? - Vest point is the elf training academy, Where they learn elf-respect, elf-control, elf-discipline, And elf-gratification.
- And I'm assuming it's called vest point because elves wear Vests that have tiny, little points down at the bottom? - Yes.
- Oh.
- It was parodied by wesint.
- Ah, okay.
I get it.
- The military academy - Yeah.
- In west point, new york.
They--that whole thing was just kind of a send-up - Homage.
- Of vest point.
Yeah.
- So elves--they must be a happy bunch, right? - Well, for the most part, But there is this one elf who's quite unhappy.
Prepare yourself For the sad tale of grumplegus.
One christmas eve at the workshop at the north pole All: merry diddley-dee christmas comes, you see - Oh! - Oof.
Sorry! - Why don't you watch where you're going, You little pip-squeak? - I said I was sorry! - Yeah, me too.
I'm sorry you were ever born.
- Wow-wee.
I've never seen such an unhappy elf.
- Well, it's a long story, But one that you should probably hear.
Prepare yourself for the sad tale of grumplegus.
[holiday music.]
All: merry diddley-doo christmas comes to you - Grumplegus wasn't always so unhappy.
In fact, he used to be one of the happiest elves of all.
- the thing that I love most about myself is that I'm just a cute, little, happy elf Hey, everybody! All: Hey, grumplegus! - But then everything changed.
- Hey, grumplegus, I'm sorry to do this, But rudolph just ate some bad carrots, And he just blasted some major diarrhea all over the stable.
Could you go clean it up? - Ugh.
Seriously? - Yeah.
- Oh, man.
- Thank you.
I owe you one.
- Oh! - Oof.
Sorry! - Why don't you watch where you're going, You little pip-squeak? - I said I was sorry.
- Yeah, me too.
I'm sorry you were ever born.
- And thus ends the tale of grumplegus.
- Wait.
So grumplegus just became grumpy, Like, two minutes ago? - More like one minute ago.
- And it was just because he has to clean up reindeer diarrhea? - It didn't help that he ran into you either.
Now get back to work! - That story took place over two hours ago.
- All right.
Well, we'll be right back with more santa claus.
[quirky holiday music.]
- Hey, reggie? - Hmm? - What's a four-letter word for a bushy, ethnic hairstyle? - Afro.
- Thanks.
- Hey, scott.
Johnny carson was a noted "blank" show host.
Four letters.
- Uh, johnny carson? Four letters? Try "talk.
" - That works.
- Okay, one more.
Eight letters.
The part of the piano that you play.
- Keyboard.
- Oh, right.
And your christmas card is finished.
- Oh, well, so is yours.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- You remembered! Come here! - lots of drugs, christmas hos - Welcome back to the show.
We're here with santa claus, and, reggie, We have santa here.
This is your opportunity To ask him anything you want.
- Yeah, uh, ain't you never gonna die? - It's a fair question.
Ain't you never gonna die? - I-I ain't never gonna die.
- Cool.
- Great.
So, santa, what are your plans for after the holidays? - Well, thanks to you, I think I'll probably just go back To the north pole and spend that big christmas bonus That you're gonna give me.
- Oh, uh, bonus? - Yeah.
I was told that everybody That appears on the show gets a christmas bonus, So I'm excited about that.
- No, of course.
Yeah, no.
We'll get the bonus.
- It's the only reason I did the show.
- I get it.
I get it.
We'll get you your-- - Shut your mouth for a second, okay? And, reggie, don't-- if you think You're gonna say something, Don't even think about saying anything.
If that christmas bonus isn't in my room when I leave here, This whole studio, everybody in this studio No toys.
- Okay.
Okay.
Santa, don't worry.
We'll get the bonus.
Right, reggie? We'll get him a bonus.
It's just I thought that maybe, You know, you would come on the show in order to give us Some sort of christmas miracle? - No, man.
There's no christmas miracle.
The only christmas miracle that's gonna happen Is that lingerie I buy for mrs.
Claus.
- I'm gonna spend my bonus on a little "r" & "r" & "r"-- Rest, relaxation, and reupholstery.
- I'm gonna spend mine on a mail-order book from japan-- Just my type.
- I'm gonna spend my bonus on some new antlers.
I sold mine to buy an acorn case for squirrel.
- And I'm gonna spend my bonus on some acorns.
I sold mine to buy antler polish for deerhead.
- Okay, okay, well, we're not At the end of the show yet, all right? Let's try to have a little patience.
- Of course.
All the while knowing That, by the time this half hour is up, We'll have that sweet, sweet cash.
- Bonuses! - Bonuses! - All right, well, we'll be right back With our next very special guests--my mom and dad.
- christmas - santa claus, santa claus - Welcome back to thecomedy bang! Bang! Holiday episode.
We're here with santa claus, and for me, christmas is all About family time, so it's my pleasure to welcome My next guests-- my mom and dad.
[holiday music.]
- [scatting.]
- hi, dad.
- Son.
Santa.
- Mr.
Aukerman.
- Ding-dong! Avon calling! [laughs.]
Do you like my new hat? Ooh-la-la! [laughs.]
- okay.
Okay, honey.
Come on.
- How about a kiss? I won't biteMuch.
Neh-neh-neh-neh-neh.
- Oh.
- All right.
All right.
- Mom, you're--okay.
- [laughs.]
- You're hilarious, but please let scott host the show.
- [whistling.]
- all right, mom.
You're so corny.
Jeez.
Maybe you'd better just leave the jokes to me, okay? - Oh, what are you talking about? I remember when you were a little kid, You thought I was hysterical.
I remember like it was yesterday.
Hmm.
[video game beeping.]
- Oh, god! [grunts.]
- [high-pitched voice.]
come on, dad, kill donkey kong.
- I'm trying, scotty.
Those dang barrels keep coming at me.
- Hi! - Oh! Hi, sweetheart.
How was your afternoon at the mall? - I just got the goofiest shirt.
Look! - "hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt!" [laughter.]
- Oh, mom, you are so funny.
- How'd you get to be so dang funny? - A lot of hard work and choc-o-late.
[laughter.]
- My mom is as funny as she is beautiful.
I'm blessed.
I'm truly blessed.
Thank you, jesus! - Hello? [man shouts indistinctly.]
Oh, I can't talk about the merger, mr.
Spinks, Right now because my wife is being super funny.
Listen! - Less talk And more choc-o-late! [laughter.]
- I'm the luckiest man in the world! Bye, spinks! - Oh, mom.
We love you so much.
- Hey! Hey! - [yells.]
- come on.
You fell asleep on the couch again.
- I just had the strangest dream.
Oh! Did you see my new shirt? It says, "hand over the cho--" - shut the hell up.
God, you're irritating.
- [deep voice.]
hey, mom.
What's for dinner? - Rice.
- [sighs.]
- god.
- Oh.
Right.
It was all in my dream.
Well, I guess it's time for this hot mama to be going.
- Wait.
Mom, please don't go.
Sit.
Sit.
I mean, you haven't even opened up the present Th I got for you.
- You got me a present? - Sure.
See? - Oh.
[laughs.]
[gasps.]
"I'm still hot.
It just comes in flashes.
" Oh, scotty, it's just what I've always wanted.
- I know.
- We love you, son.
- I love you guys.
We'll be right back with the comedy bang! Bang! Holiday episode and hopefully a christmas miracle.
- christmas time with family - I really love you.
- snow is falling, may the wreath be on your tree - Welcome back to the show.
Well, we're almost out of time here.
Hopefully something will happen that maybe will-- [alarm rings.]
- it's the end of the show! [all cheering.]
- it's bonus time, baby! [all speaking at once.]
- Bonuses! This is gonna be terrific! We're all gonna get that money we've been looking for! - Hey, how about a little bonus music, huh? All: Yeah! - Reggie.
All: Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! Bonuses! - Enough! Reggie, will you stop playing that damn music? Just knock it off! Why do we have to have all these animals And crew guys around here anyway? Why do we have to shoot in this drafty, old studio? I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.
Just continue.
Reggie, will you play your song? - No, scott.
- What's the problem, oly? - [sighs.]
Santa, the bonuses There are no bonuses this year.
[all gasping.]
I lost them.
All: Aw.
- We lost them.
- Well, you lost them.
- Let's not play the blame game.
- [sighs.]
- look, but I'm hoping That maybe one of you would like to make a big speech About the true meaning of christmas So everyone forgets about the bonuses.
Anyone, just anyone that--oh! - You stupid son of a bitch! [all shouting at once.]
- Everybody, stop it! Stop fighting! I mean, look at us-- Squabbling over a few thousand measly bucks On christmas.
- Yeah.
Guys, we don't do comedy bang! Bang! For the paycheck.
I mean, sure, we get one, But it's tiny by show-business standards.
By regular-people standards the paycheck is huge, But, guys, we're not regular people.
We're better than them, and we don't do comedy bang! Bang! For the bonuses.
No, we do it for the paycheck-- The one that comes every single week-- Not for the bonus paycheck that comes at the end of the year.
Oh, and because we love it.
- Yeah! All: Yeah.
[all speaking at once.]
- What do you say we forgive scott? - Forgive reggie.
- And make this The greatest holiday episode tv has ever known? All: Hooray! [dog barks.]
- [chuckles.]
- To scott The richest man in town.
All: Hooray! - Is that true? Then where's our bonuses? - Shh! All: no bonuses no bonuses no bonuses - hey, everybody.
This is my cousin from out of town, sherman a.
T.
M.
-Sley.
All: no bonuses - Ooh, I think someone spiked the eggnog.
I'm gonna spew! [vomits.]
[all cheering.]
- oh, my gosh! He's puking up cold, hard cash! - Christmas is saved! All: bills, bills, bills, b-bills, bills, bills, bills cash, cash, cash, c-cash, cash, cash - Little ladder, this is as good as it gets, man.
- A christmas miracle.
- Yeah.
It actually happened.
[sighs.]
- Well, you want to get on the sleigh with me, boys? I got to get back to delivering presents.
- Uh, yeah-- I mean, yes.
I've always wanted to-- we have always wanted-- - Yeah.
Let--let's do it.
All: Whee! - [laughs.]
- The wolf dead.