Happy Endings s02e20 Episode Script

Tell me what you want.
You know what I want.
(Whispers) Oh, say it.
I want to hear you say it.
Ooh.
I want a porch.
- Ohh.
- A big, wide porch - with weathered shingles.
- Ohh.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
(Inhales deeply) - Mm-hmm.
(Inhales deeply) - And a dock.
- Mm-hmm.
A dark pine dock that goes on forever.
Oh, my God! Just buy a lake house already so we can stop hearing about your big, black dock.
Al! Oh, I get it.
I was supposed to say "big, African-American dock.
" (Jane) - Yeah.
(Whispering) - I'm sorry.
Better.
- Guys, scootch down.
(Whispers) Daphne Wilson.
Daphne Wilson? I haven't seen her since fourth grade.
I ran into her last week.
She just moved back into our neighborhood, and already she cornered me to go get tea with her.
Tea? What kind of loser drinks tea? - Ahem.
- Oh, no.
(High-pitched, lowered voice) Damn it.
She saw me.
(Chuckles) I don't remember her being that bad.
Well, it was easy for you to avoid her with your fancy, freestanding house.
I had to live across the hall from her.
Oh, my God.
A tea party sounds amahzing, but I have a girl scout meeting I totally can't reschedj.
I was never a girl scout, but to keep her from finding out, I bought and resold samoas until the GS of A sent me a cease and desist letter.
What's so bad about her anyway? She can never have a meaningless convo like a normal person.
She just keeps asking questions like she actually cares.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
Sounds like a monster.
You'll see, but I think I came up with a pretty solid excuse as to why I can't have tea with her.
(Chuckles) Penny, hi.
How's the turf toe? Day to day.
(Gasps) Oh, my God! Jane, Alex, hi! (Chuckles) - Hi.
- I haven't seen you in so long.
Congrats on your store.
I hear that you're carrying a line of wildly extravagant hand creams.
I knew mom disapproved.
Why can't she ever just say it? Choose your battles.
Guys, what if I bring tea up to your apartment and we catch up? - Oh.
- We would love that, but we can't have anyone to our place.
Water damage.
It turns out, filling an air mattress with water does not a water bed make.
Oh, no.
(Chuckles) All right.
Well, catch ya later.
(Chuckles) - Byes! (Penny and Brad) - Byes! - Byes all around.
- Oh, thank God that's over.
Why didn't you just say you were busy? Because then she would know I'm blowing her off.
A specific lie spares her feelings.
Plus it's just easier, and I'll probably never even see her again.
- Hey, guys! (All) - Oh! (Laughing) - Ow.
- Okeydokey.
(Chuckles) I left my bag.
- Oh.
(Chuckles) - Oh.
Crazy me.
(Chuckles) (Jane and Brad laugh) - Catch ya later.
- Bye, girl.
(Brad and Jane) - Ohh.
- Bye! Just sneaks right up on ya, huh? Whoo! (Chuckles) (Chuckles) Really, mom? You show me a better price on diamond-infused hand cream, and I will match it.
I'm serious.
Oh, so you drink tea? Who put this here? Waiter.
(Panting) Okay.
Penny.
Penny, wait.
Feel my hand.
It's diamond-soft.
Tell it to your mother.
Funny running into you here.
I came by to see if I could help you with your water damage.
I-I know a lot about mold.
(Chuckles) You are so sweet, but it's all fixed.
New floors, new paint, our vintage Italian "analyze that" poster.
Sounds cool.
Can I come in and see? Oh, that would be great, but w-we were actually headed - over to b-Brad and Jane's.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, I'd love to see them.
Can I come? I mean to their lake house for a couple days.
- Sounds fun.
Can I come? - You know, we'd love to invite you, but darn it, we can't.
- Why not? - Oh, uh, it's-- It's a 2-bedroom.
It's little.
- How little? - So little, in fact, the mice there are like, "whassup? It's crowded up in here, yo!" They have little mice that can speak? No, it's just a turn of phrase.
Wow.
That was amazing.
All I did was walk through the door.
No, I meant about last night.
Last night was amazing.
Oh.
(Giggles) Aha! I told you, no subletters.
Damn it, Darren.
She's not a subletter.
She just stayed the night.
Yeah, well, you and Max have so many guys and girls parading around here, it basically feels like one subletter.
How many girls? - A lot.
- No.
I, on the other hand, would love to take you out sometime - Mm.
- Like a lady.
(Chuckles) Like a gentleman.
Like a-- I would be the gentleman, and you would be the lady.
(Chuckles) Thanks, but maybe some other time.
(Giggles) Okay.
You blew that for me, man.
(Whispers) Damn it, Darren.
What is your problem? Man, you're always hassling us.
You still haven't fixed the oven.
Too bad, Casanova! I'll fix it when I fix it! I God.
(Grunts) (Groans) Our stupid landlord won't fix the oven, and he keeps perving out on my chicks.
Yeah? Well, tell Darren to suck it, 'cause I just invented something awesome.
Check it out-- The trash can stove, or as I call it, the "Trove.
" Look at this brisket, huh? Only took 18 hours to cook, hickory-smoked, falling off the bizone, and straight out of the trash.
(Chuckles) I'm gonna call it a "Triskett.
" Triscuit is already a thing, and I'm pretty sure the fumes from that will kill us in our sleep.
Yeah, but you got to admit (Thuds) In your sleep's a pretty chill way to go.
(Sighs) So you're staying here for a few days? I had to say something.
She literally cornered me.
Not cool, Penny.
Why did you have to say our lake house is little? Now she's gonna think we have to hang our beach cruisers from hooks in the kitchen like savages.
So you lied to her face (Sighs) And now you're hiding out in our apartment for three days, all so you didn't have to tell her you don't want to have tea with her? I want her to think I'm nice.
- Why? - Because schmoes like us need people to think we're nice.
It is all we've got.
The only people who can get away with being mean are rock stars or brain surgeons or Mr.
Phil.
You mean Dr.
Phil.
Come on.
It's a PhD.
Everybody, calm down.
Al, you can't stay here.
Our landlord Darren's already on us about having too many people sleep over.
But it'll be like "Three's Company.
" I'll be adorable Chrissy, and Max can be hilarious Jack, and you'll be Janet.
I'm not Janet.
(Chuckles) (Max and Alex) Classic Janet.
Guys, stop it.
This is not "Three's Company.
" (Knock on door) Come on, a knock at our door.
(Darren) I know you're in there! (Whispers) It's our nosy landlord.
Hide.
(Door opens) I know you're hiding another girl in here.
I saw a cute blonde coming up the stairs with luggage.
No, no.
There's no girl here.
She must have gone to some other apartment.
Then whose purse is this? Uh, that's, um, that's mine.
I told you, Darren.
I am a gay man.
Are you? Because I've had my eye on you, and you don't seem very gay to me.
Well, I am homosexual.
Super gay.
You had better be.
I don't know why I care so much, but I do.
- I do.
- Okay.
Great chat.
Whew! (Door closes) Why are you nervous? You are gay.
I know, but you know that I love low-stakes, classic '80s sitcom danger.
That was a close one, Max.
(Clatters) Sure was, Alex.
Stretch.
Hi, Brad.
(Gasps) What are you doing here? I thought you were gonna be at the lake house.
Yeah, we were.
Doing a big addition, by the way.
But why are you here? Oh, we had to come back early.
Oh, no.
Why? Uh, Jane was sick.
(Gasps) - Oh, no.
- Yeah.
Jane is sick? Is it serious? No.
I mean, Jane-- She was sick this morning, but now she's fine.
(Chuckles) Jane was sick this morning, but now she's fine? Is Jane pregnant? (Rustle) (High-pitched voice) Mm-hmm.
(Gasps) - Congratulations! (Laughs) - Ouch! (Panting) Stop drinking wine and eating soft cheese.
You're pregnant.
Damn it.
Everyone's life is moving on but mine.
She's not pregnant, but I told Daphne you were, and she's on her way up here.
Why would you tell her (Glass clatters) I'm pregnant? I had no choice.
I had to explain why we weren't at our lake house.
We don't have a lake house.
I know, but if she mentions it, we're in the middle of a big remodel.
- Okay.
- What? She literally cornered me.
Told you.
I just want her to think I'm nice.
So now you're lying, too? (High-pitched voice) Mm-hmm.
(Knock on door) Okay.
Okay.
This is ridiculous.
You two may be terrified of people not liking you.
I'm not.
(Lowered voice) We'll see about that.
Jane! Congratulations! You're so tiny! (Chuckles) I couldn't even tell you were pregnant.
You really do look great.
You can barely see my baby in her.
Daphne, now is not really a good (Closes door) Time.
I am thrilled that you felt close enough to tell me so early.
You know, when we were kids, I always had the impression that you didn't like me too much.
I-I-I always liked you.
I knew it! I always had a suspicion that you were secretly nice.
- I am nice.
- You are.
Now you have to let me throw you a shower.
I would love that, but you can't.
Why not? Alex is already throwing me one Tomorrow.
Wow.
Why so early? Serbian tradition.
We always do things early, 'cause we never know when we're gonna have to pack up and murder a populace.
(Chuckles) I love cultural traditions.
Yeah, they're fun, so, yeah, it's just gonna be a small, intimate gathering at Alex's, you know, type of deal, sort of vibe thing.
No.
You can't do it at Alex's.
(Stumbles) The new paint fumes are bad for the baby.
That's a good point.
Thinking about the baby.
(Gasps) I have the best idea! We should do it at my friend Kat's restaurant.
I'll co-host with Alex, and then you can make it as big as you want.
Too generous you are.
I'm gonna make the call right now and get to planning! (Both) Yay! Wait.
Great.
I'm gonna have a baby shower.
Yay! Wait.
Wait! Wait.
I can't co-host a fake baby shower for Jane with Daphne for you.
But-- but you have to! (Sighs) Daphne is almost here, and you're only one childlike enough to believe it could work.
I know, and I love that about me, but I can't host a fake baby shower.
That's gotta be bad luck somewhere.
(Sighs) Okay, fine, so you want me to just tell Daphne that you won't host it with her? But then she's gonna think I'm mean.
Or you can say you'll do it and seem nice.
- I'm in.
- Yes! (Giggles) This is gonna be fun.
I'm gonna get a penis-shaped cake and a penis piñata.
It's a baby shower.
It's not a bachelorette party.
Right.
Right, right, right, right.
So what kind of penis stuff should I get? Oh, God.
Daphne's here.
She cannot know that I am behind this! The plan or the counter? Both! - Hey! - Al! (Door closes) Are you as psyched as I am to be planning this together? Yeah.
Sure am.
Oh, no.
You're ambivalent - Huh? - And I know why.
Seeing Jane married and pregnant has made you regret turning down the world's greatest guy.
John Krasinski? - Dave.
I always had the biggest crush on him.
- John Krasinski? - No.
Dave.
- Oh, right.
Anyway, I can't believe you would break Dave's heart.
I mean, I always thought you were too nice to do something like that.
No, I am nice.
Uh I'm a lesbian.
(Gasps and chuckles) Great! Congratulations! (Chuckles) Thank you.
So then you wouldn't mind if I asked Dave out? Uh, no You don't want to do that.
Why? What's wrong? He's dying.
(Gasps) (Whispers) It's terminal.
Oh, no.
(Whimpers) (Panting) Let it out.
(Panting) Dave! Dave, do you remember Daphne Wilson from grade school? I knew it! That's the blonde I saw from before.
Nice try sneaking another girlfriend in here, hotshot.
Hey, I'm not just some blonde.
I'm a bottle blonde.
Really? Your hair looks so creamy and natural.
Uh, well, it's not, and he's not my boyfriend.
Wow.
Really? Okay.
Um, I was-- Then maybe I could make things up to you over, um, dinner sometime, like, just - Oh.
(Chuckles) - You know, whenever.
Like, uh, it could be any-- - No, sorry.
Maybe some other time.
- Any night that you want.
- Oh, another time then.
Okay.
- Yeah, another time.
- Another time.
- But, uh, all right.
Great.
Okay.
- Okay.
(Chuckles) - But, uh, okay.
That'll be-- That'll be fun.
Okay.
See you.
Hey.
Darren.
When are you gonna fix our stove? I'll fix it when I fix it.
(Whispers) Crap.
- Damn it! - What? You couldn't have led him on until he fixed our stove? That's what Chrissy would have done.
Max, life is not like "Three's Company.
" (Gasps) Aah! There's that pesky Daphne.
Hide! Aah! (Alex babbles) (Gasps) My trapple pie! Why did you tell her I was dying? I wanted to save you from having to go out with her.
Ohh.
(Coughs) What's so bad about her, anyway? Well, it's hard to say, really.
I mean, she's really nice.
(Lid closes) She's sweet.
- She's-- - I get it.
Ugh.
(Knock on door) (Whispers) I am not letting her think that I am dying.
I get to hide again.
I get to hide you! (Giggles) Dave.
(Chuckles) Hi.
It's been a long time.
You look better than I expected.
I brought you some hot soup and some ice chips, and you call me if you need anything else.
I'm Max.
Hi.
How are you? I lost all my money to Bernie madoff.
Oh, you poor thing.
(Whispers) I wanted to be included, so I came up with a lie.
(Mouths words) (Bag clatters) Phone, please.
It is great (Keys click) To see you up and about.
(Camera shutter clicks) I pumymy number in your phone.
You call me if you need anything else.
Look, I'm not dying.
(Gasps) That's the spirit.
Ow.
Byes! (Rhythmic monotone voice) Good-bye.
It was so nice of you to come here.
Thank you so much for being such a good (Door closes) (Whispers) She's a demon! Guys, things have gotten a litte out of control, but I know what we need to do.
Put an end to this insanity? Get our stories straight.
I told so many lies when I was kid, the only way I could keep track of them was to write them all down in my greetings feline diary.
Greetings feline? Look, we didn't all have a fancy, freestanding house filled with real hello kitty shwag.
- Sorry.
- Anyway (Sighs) I called it my "lie Bible" or.
.
"L"lible.
" Idiot.
(Chuckles) A "libel" is already another thing.
(Dave) Dude, you're trying to patent triscuit.
- How about you step off? (Whispers) - David, don't.
Okay, Alex, you need to dress like a lesbian.
- Yep.
I'm gay.
- Jane, you're three months along.
No, I am not pretending I am pregnant anymore.
This is not eighth grade gym class.
Throwing a shower for a fake baby is insane.
(Sighs) Come on, Jane.
Who loves to be the center of attention more than you? No one.
Brad, you love improv and tiny clothes.
I can't think of another couple that is better suited to make a mockery out of such a joyous occasion.
Aw.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
(All cheer) Aha! (Clatters) Aha! An unlicensed cooking device.
I have been looking for a reason to get you hotshots out of this building, and now I got the grounds to do it.
Whoa.
Take it easy, baby.
Where's all this anger coming from, huh? Is it really about a serious danger to the building and all its tenants, or is it really about some kind of deep-seated loneliness and fear? Loneliness and fear.
That's what I thought.
I also happen to think that you are pretty into my friend Alex, and I happen to know that she is pretty into you.
No, she is not.
Uh, she-- "Maybe some other time" is a blow-off, and I know it.
We will be at this party later, and I know for a fact that she would love to see you there.
Really? Yeah, Alex loves guys that show up at baby showers uninvited.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Okay.
What else does she like? Salsa.
The dip or the dance? Both.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Why don't you take this? - Okay.
Oh, wow.
All right.
Thanks.
- Yes.
- That's her favorite kind of salsa.
- Yeah.
No, that's cool.
Saves me a trip.
Yeah.
Oh, and you know what? Try to switch it up with the wardrobe, huh? 'Cause right now I can't tell the difference between your skin and your shirt and jacket, you know what I mean? (Door opens) (Sighs) Hey, top gun.
(Door closes) Man, I can't do this.
Daphne's a nice person.
I'm just gonna go tell her the truth.
Listen, if we don't go through with this baby shower, then Darren won't hook up with Alex, and then he's gonna kick us out of the building.
No, that is a crazy plan.
I know, but this is a crazier plan! Max! Max, come on, man.
(Lock clicks) What are you doing? Bye-ee! Max.
Max! (Door closes) Yeah.
I think it did kick.
You're right.
You're right.
Hi.
- Hi, hi.
(Chuckles) - Ohh.
(Chuckles) So apparently I'm carrying high.
(Laughs) I don't know what that means.
- Aren't you just loving it? Great shower.
(High-pitched voice) - Mm-hmm.
(Lowered voice) Yeah, I love it.
I mean, it's incredible, but I still can't believe that you would rather go thrghgh all this trouble than just tell Daphne the truth.
Trust me.
It's easier this way.
Jane, love your co-worker Susan.
Well, we love Jane.
Don't take too long a maternity leave, or we'll cry more than the baby.
(All laughing) Susan.
(Penny) Get out of here, you two.
Ohh.
Off you go.
Who the fuzz was that? She's a professional seat-filler.
Yeah.
I paid them all $20 to mingle festively and respond to social cues.
Plus they-- they do get first dibs on centerpieces.
Oh, no.
A suit? (Chuckles) Why does a baby need a suit, huh? (Chuckles) Is he, uh, what, does he have a job? He's not fooling abobody.
He's a baby! (Laughing) (Lowered voice) Tell him not to cut the tags off.
They all have to go back tomorrow.
Okay, okay.
I'm cutting these tags.
I'm never giving this back.
Hey, everybody! (Lowered voice) What are you doing? (Lowered voice) I'm Ellen.
"Oh, boy.
" (Chuckles) I figure, if I gotta be a lesbian, might as well go straight to the top.
You are insane.
Am I? Alex, I want you to meet my friend Kat.
You guys are gonna love each other.
Hi.
Hey.
Let's grab a drink.
Great.
(Snaps fingers) (Whispers) I met somebody.
Oh, God.
You see, the beauty of the machine is that it cooks the food while it incinerates the magazines.
(Chuckles) I'm basically a young, handsome Ron Popeil.
Max, where's Dave? I had to leave him at home.
He was threatening to blow up this whole operation, so I had to go "Ghost Protes" on him.
(Lowered voice) He needs to be here! (Lowered voice) Yeah, well, he is not here, so-- Max, hi.
(Whispers) God.
(Sighs) Where's Dave? Daphne, he took a real turn for the worse.
(Whispers) I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Well, I'm gonna go call him.
(Whispering) God! Now she's gonna call him, he's gonna tell her the truth, and she's gonna realize what terrible people we are! Relax.
I stole his phone.
(Rings) (Chuckles) You're not the only one (Ring) That's good at this game, Emily Thorne.
(Beeps and clatters) Seriously, stop freestyling and leave the lies up to me.
Fine.
Then you figure out how to get my landlord Darren to hook up with Alex.
What? No! Not today.
Alex is busy pretending to be a lesbian.
Damn it! I forgot! That means Dave and I are gonna be out on the streets.
I'm gonna have to find a trumpet and learn how to play it so a local music producer finds and discovers my talent.
Dave won't have it so good.
He's gonna be living his life on the rails-- The cocaine rails.
Unfortunately, he will also be living on a train, making it extremely difficult to do cocaine, - 'cause you're bumping around-- - All right.
(Whispering) - Please let me handle it! - You need a-- Just go and stall him! Oh, no, they di'in't.
(Laughing) (High-pitched voice) Mm! - Who's he kidding now, huh? - Hyah! (Chuckles) What you gonna do, bust through some wood? (Both laughing) He's not a black belt.
He's a baby! (Packaging rustles) - What the hell is this? - Oh, my God.
It's a breast pump.
You'll need it when you go back to work.
I don't know that I'm gonna be breast-feeding.
(Chuckles) Uh, yeah, you are.
(Chuckles) Plus you're probably not gonna want to go back to work for a while.
How do you know what I'I'll want? Just want me to stay at home (Packaging rustles) And just pump my canisters? Technically, if you stay home, you won't need to pump your canisters.
Okay.
Shut up, Susan.
(Grunts) Alalex, I need you out here now.
Times have a-changed, ok?? Lesbians can use the ladies' room now.
Deal with it.
Listen, dope, I need you to go out there and tell Max's landlor that you'll go out with him.
But Kat and I are hittin' it off! Well, so just pretend to be straight for ten minutes, and then you can go back to being gay.
It's not a choice.
(Sighs) Ow! No.
This isn't "Three's Company," okay? You can't just transform a person by undoing a button and a ponytail.
Forget it.
She's not even here.
Yes, she is.
(Whispers) Look.
(Salsa music playing) (Slow motion voice) Wow.
Go to her.
Alex loves a spicy dip.
The food or the move? Both.
(Indistinct conversations) Stop dancing.
But he's dancing.
(Lid pops) I gotta hand it to you, Pen.
I am really impressed.
You had a lot of plates in the air, and you kept 'em all spinning.
Well, it's all thanks to my old lible.
Really gave me the confidence to pull this thing off.
Don't tell me how to raise my baby! Well, if that's how you feel, raise it yourself! No! You guys have to stay together for the baby.
(Jane and Brad) There is no baby! (Gasps) Uh What's going on? I can explain.
(Kat) Alex, what are you doing? Why are you dancing with this guy? Because I'm Ellen (Chuckles) And I'm straight.
So you're not attracted to me? No.
(Sighs) So you're attracted to me.
(Scoffs) - Nope.
(Sighs) (Daphne) - Okay.
What's going on? Stop! (Coughs) Dave, what are you doing out of bed? (Gasps) You look worse than ever.
(Strained voice) I'm not dying.
I was just locked up next to a fume-emitting death machine.
Okay, I'm still working out some of the kinks (Coughing) But it is a culinary game-changer, I'm tellin' ya.
(Chuckles) Penny, what's going on? I've been lying to you, Daphne, and I was so worried about hurting your feelings that I got everyone else to lie to you, too.
The truth is I don't want to have tea with you.
Tea? What tea? - From last week? - Yeah And intermittently over the last 21 years.
Do I talk about tea that much? You do.
That is a fact.
So you paid all these people to be here? Yes, except the caricaturist.
Thanks, Ira! I am so sorry again.
You must hate me.
No.
I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell the truth.
I don't want to have tea with someone who doesn't want to have tea with me.
I would love to have tea with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'd like that.
You know what, Daphne? Let's get that tea.
Maybe some other time.
(Chuckles) Whew! We dodged a bullet.
(Mouths word) Now I don't have to get tea with her, and she still thinks I'm nice, but I've learned my lesson.
Nothing good ever comes from lying.
Well, actually something good did come from it.
It made us realize there's something missing in our lives.
We're not entirely ready, but, I mean, who is, right? So (Chuckles) (Inhales deeply) We're just gonna go for it.
Guys We're buying a lake house.
(All cheer) Yes! We're gonna be weekenders! I claim top bunk! - Yeah! - Yeah! (All chanting) Lake house! Lake house! Lake house! Lake house! Lake house! Lake house! Lake house! Tired of cooking in a conventional oven? Tired of preparing the same old foods the same old way at the same old consistent temperature? Well, then the trash stove t.
M.
Is for you! But don't just blatantly trust me.
Ask my buddy Dave.
Keep that thing away from me, dude.
Trash stove TM.
It'll cook anything-- Goats, Chinese food, you name it.
FDA patent approval pending, but, hey, they haven't said no.
(Chuckles) The trash stove TM.
Set it and forget it.
Don't forget it.
You gotta keep an eye on it, or it will burn your house down.
The trash stove!