Hey Arnold! (1996) s02e20 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
MS. SLOVAK: All right, class,
art period is over.
I'll collect
your float designs
for the city day parade,
and put them
on the bulletin board.
Harold, what's your design?
It's a a giant brownie.
Well, that's very clever.
Arnold.
Arnold, what is it?
I see the float in
sort of a carnival motif,
representing the diversity
of our city.
Each carnival ride would be
a different neighborhood.
Downtown's a roller coaster
since it's exciting
and unpredictable.
The southside is
a giant souvlaki stand
because of
all the great places to eat.
The riverfront is
a big waterslide
since there's
lots of water there.
City Hall is a Tilt-o-whirl
since it's sort of crooked.
(ALL GASP, EXCLAIMING)
It'd be really colorful,
just like the city itself.
Your design would make
a wonderful float.
Wow. Could we do it,
Ms. Slovak?
Oh, if only
it were so, Arnold.
But that would consume
three times
the annual school budget.
But at least it goes
on the bulletin board.
(ALL GROANING)
Wouldn't it be great
if it was a real float?
We could all ride on it, too.
Yes, we'd ride
through the streets
like royalty.
(PARADE MUSIC PLAYING)
A beautiful float, Arnold.
You're such
an artistic spirit.
I'm nothing
without you, my queen.
I think I know where
we can get the money.
Hello, Dad.
How are you this evening?
Comfy? Enjoying your paper?
What do you want?
I already gave you
your allowance.
I've been thinking,
how would you like
everyone in the whole town
to see the words
"Big Bob's Beepers"
on a float
in the City Day parade?
Keep talkin'.
This thing
will pay for itself
in no time, Dad,
we just need a little
start-up capital.
Like how much
start-up capital?
Oh, how's 300 sound?
(SCREAMING) $300?
It's a bargain. Labor's free.
The kids in my class'll
build it for you.
Hmm. Kids do the work,
labor costs are good,
we can get used flowers
from the mortuary, yeah.
Huh. This shouldn't
be too bad. (MUMBLES)
Okay, Helga.
You got yourself a deal.
I'll give you the 300 bucks
and you get me
the greatest float
the beeper world
has ever seen.
Deal.
Hey, Arnold, I did it.
You're the one
that put the superglue
on Eugene's lunchbox?
No, you morons.
Doy. I did some fast-talking
and got the money
for the float.
My dad's company
is going to pay for it.
Wow, that's great.
Did you hear that, Arnold?
Really? You mean it, Helga?
That's fantastic!
Hey, don't get
so cozy, buster!
There's a couple of details
we have to work out.
Details?
I get to ride on the float,
and I get to ride
where everyone can see me,
on the very top.
Deal.
(BUZZING)
(SCREAMING)
Hey, what's wrong, you guys?
-Why'd you stop working?
-We're out of flowers, Arnold.
Yeah, and chicken wire.
We're out of paint, too.
Now what?
Uh, Dad?
What? More money, right?
Hey, when do I do get a look
at this thing anyway?
Arnold doesn't want
to show it yet.
It's not ready.
Well, you've had three days.
Dad!
Ah, okay.
But this is the last dime
you're gettin' out of me.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
Hey, man, this is cool.
It's so wicked awesome.
I never thought
this would happen, Helga.
Thanks a lot.
(STUTTERING) Well, I
BOB: I hate it!
BOTH: You hate it?
Look at this thing.
I run a beeper company, kid,
not a traveling circus.
Well, your company's
name is on it.
See? Right over
the arch there.
Yeah, well,
I brought my associate,
Nick Vermicelli, here.
He knows floats,
he'll fix this mess.
You're right, Bob,
it's a mess.
It's a total mess.
It's not a mess.
We spent days and days
working on this.
It's a great float.
Hey, kid, are you
listenin' to me?
I've done floats before,
I say it's a mess.
Now, when's this parade?
Tomorrow.
We don't have a lot of time.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
We make a giant
paper-mache beeper
that goes over the top
of this whole thing.
Then, we get a remote control,
so Bob can steer it
from the platform.
Then, we dress up
a bunch of these kids
as cell phones and beepers.
They stand around
the edges of the float
and wave to the crowd.
All right, this has got to go.
That goes. Eighty-six that.
What is that?
Who wants to ride
on the float?
Come on, you guys.
We all worked together
on this thing.
It's great the way it is.
You don't want
to see it turned
into a giant beeper, do ya?
(ALL EXCLAIMING "ME")
RHONDA: I want to be
a cellular phone.
Sorry, Arnold,
it's just that
Well, how often
do we get the chance
to ride in the big parade?
That's right, kids.
Let's get you outfitted
in your beeper costumes.
Helga, come on,
there's a spot
on the top of the float
that's got your name on it.
Helga, we made this
float together.
We had a deal.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
We made a deal, remember?
The only reason
I'm paying for this thing
is so that I can
sell more beepers.
Now, this float
has to scream "beeper"
at the top of its lungs!
Hey, Arnold. Wait up.
Oh, cruel fortune.
I'm torn between my poor love.
His hope is dashed,
his dreams slashed.
And on the other side,
the ogre.
Unthinking and uncaring
as he squashes
Arnold's artistic vision.
Oh, well, at least
I'm queen of the beepers.
(LIVELY CHATTER)
Well, I'm surprised to see you
out for the parade, Oskar.
What, are you kidding?
It's a great place to pick up
loose change that people drop.
Yeah, and a few loose screws,
I wager.
Thanks for coming out
to the parade, man.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Would've been a great float.
Too bad they turned it
into a beeper.
Arnold, it's art vs commerce,
and commerce always wins.
I saw it on
a wall street show.
Hey, look,
here comes the parade.
(PARADE MUSIC PLAYING)
Man, our float
was better than that.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Hey, Dad, can I
steer for a while?
You just keep quiet and wave.
This is a job
for a professional.
How can they
control that thing?
It's too top-heavy.
It's not aerodynamic
enough to steer.
GRANDPA: Dagnammit!
(WIND WHOOSHING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Hey, Bob, you better
slow down a little.
It won't slow down.
This cheap remote control
doesn't work.
Let me try.
Give it back!
NICK: You don't know
how to use it!
Let me just show you.
Just let me show you!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING IN PANIC)
Runaway float!
(SCREAMING)
Lemme borrow your bike.
I'll give it back.
Hey, Arnold!
There's an emergency brake
underneath City Hall!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Stop the float, Dad!
I'm tryin'! I'm tryin'!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING)
(PARADE MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Arnold!
Where'd he go?
What's he doing?
(ALL GASP)
Help, God, please.
I need help.
(TIRES SCREECH)
(KIDS CHEERING)
(PEOPLE GASP)
Ladies and gentlemen,
the award for best float
goes to
Big Bob's Beeper.
(KIDS CHEERING)
Thank you, thank you,
thanks a lot.
It's a great honor
to win this (GROANS)
Yeah, get out of here, you
(CLEARS THROAT)
Now, as president
of Big Bob's Beepers
and the sponsor of this float,
I accept this award.
HELGA: Dad!
Oh, all right.
I'll level with ya.
I didn't come up
with the idea for this float,
I only put up
the money for it.
This whole thing was the idea
of my daughter Helga's
little friend, Alfred.
Arnold.
Anyway, get on up here,
kids, and take a bow.
Well, come on, people,
give it up already.
(PEOPLE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Nice float, man.
Thanks.
(SCOFFS) It's just a float.
(SIGHS IN ADMIRATION)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
A talent show?
Arnold, what talent
do we have?
You could play the piano.
Everyone plays the piano
for the talent show.
Come over tonight,
and we'll think of somethin'.
Yeah, how about impressions?
Maybe you can fly around
the auditorium like a bird.
Thanks, Grandma.
And in the world
of show business,
living legend Dino Spumoni,
one of America's
greatest popular singers,
has announced he has split up
with his long-time partner,
lyricist Don Reynolds.
(SHUSHING) This is big news.
I've been listening to
Dino Spumoni since the 40s.
The team is responsible
for scores of Top 40 hits,
including such favorites
as Magic Fingers,
The Doll Can Swing and
You Better Not Touch My Gal.
(SNAPPING FINGERS)
You better not touch my gal
Or I'll pop you
In the kisser, pal
You better not even try
Or you'll be lookin'
at a big black eye
BOTH:
So listen good,
you two-bit hood
I'll give you
to the count of ten
And if you're not gone
by the crack of dawn
You'll never eat
solid food again! ♪
(GRANDMA LAUGHING)
Oh, Grandma,
you've still got it in you.
Yeah, I remember
the first time I sang that one
back at the palace
ball room in '54.
Dino Spumoni!
(EXCLAIMS)
You left the front door open.
So is there a spare room
in this rat trap or what?
Oh, oh, yes. Of course.
Of course. But
But why would I want
to stay in this dump
when I could be Downtown
at The Regent or The Lincoln.
See, years ago,
when I was gettin' started,
I stayed in this joint,
with that two-bit,
gutter-swelling chiseler
I used to call my partner.
So, I thought
I'd get back to my roots
for a little inspiration.
So, can a fella
get a room around here?
This will be perfect.
I got my keyboard
and I could start writing
on my new album,
"Simply Dino."
So, Dino, if it's
all right to ask,
why'd you split up with Don?
Listen, kid,
I made that
sack of garbage
everything he is.
It ain't my fault
if he doesn't know
how to show respect
for the guy
who made him famous.
If I never see that bum again
it'll be too soon.
Yep, this is it.
Same place
where I got started
way back when,
before that slick
showbiz operator
started getting rich
off my music.
Now, back to my roots
to write my own solo album,
"Simply Don."
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hey, you're
Yeah, Don Reynolds.
Save the chit-chat, okay?
I just wanted to get away
from that arrogant suit
I used to work with.
Now, uh, how about a room?
ARNOLD: Well,
what about comedy?
Maybe we could do
a sketch or somethin'.
Maybe we should just
forget about it.
Don't worry, Gerald.
We'll think of somethin'.
(DOOR SLAMS)
DINO: Get out of my sight,
you good-for-nothing
backstabber!
I got here first.
Yeah? Well, I thought
of coming here first.
How do you know that?
Look at them
goin' at each other.
How can two guys
who've been friends
for so long
get so mad at each other?
I don't know, Gerald.
Come on, we still
got to figure out our act.
DON: That doesn't even
make any sense.
Well, I'm not
leavin' this joint.
And neither am I.
(SAWING)
(RIPS)
(BOTH GROAN)
Maybe we need to sleep on it.
The talent show's
in four days.
We're running out of time.
Well, I need a break.
And a new t-shirt.
Oh, all right.
We'll do it tomorrow.
See you later.
Later.
Hey, kid. Listen to
my new tune, will ya?
Okay.
It's gonna be
on my solo album
"Simply Don."
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
Without Oliver Hardy
Stan Laurel wouldn't show
And there ain't no romance
In a solo Romeo
Without Sacagawea
Clark would still be
In Duluth
Without you with me, baby
I'm nothin', nothin'
That's the truth ♪
(PANTING)
What do you think? Hot, huh?
It's, uh It's good.
I mean, the words
are really good
and the music is okay.
Maybe if you just
fix up the melody a little,
you know, like some
of those songs
Dino Spumoni used to sing?
Now, listen here,
I can write music
without that chump Spumoni.
Who asked you anyway?
Later.
(MELODIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, kid. Come here
for a minute.
I want you to hear
this song I'm writing.
(VOCALIZING)
And you need a big tattoo
(VOCALIZING)
Crummy leather shoe ♪
Or somethin' like that.
Well, it's just the opening
but what do you think?
Well, it's a really nice tune.
Thank you.
But I'm not sure
about the words.
Look, kid, I've been
in this business a long time
and if I wanted your opinion
I'd ask you for it.
Now my lyrics are good.
Really good.
Way better than anything
that hack Reynolds
could've written.
Now, get off to school.
Scram, would ya?
Well, good luck.
(BELL RINGING)
I know. How about
poetry reading?
That's a great idea.
Do you think they'll wait till
after the show to beat us up?
Or will they storm the stage
and do it right in the middle
of our act?
You know, Gerald, maybe you
can come up with an idea
instead of just
throwin' out all of mine.
Hey, I'm not the one
who signed up
without having an idea.
And as far as having
all the ideas,
that's only because
you always say
whatever crazy idea
pops into your head.
I, on the other hand,
like to wait until I think of
a really good idea
before I just blab it out.
Yeah, right, Gerald.
Why don't you just
face the truth?
You expect me to
do all the work.
Well, here's an idea for you.
I think we should just
forget the whole thing.
Yeah, maybe
you're right for once.
Hey, here's another idea.
Maybe we've just been spending
too much time together.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
Well, that's two things
we can agree on.
See you around, or not.
Not is just fine with me.
(DINO VOCALIZING)
Crummy leather shoe
(VOCALIZING)
You need some food to chew ♪
(PIANO KEYS SLAM)
(SOBBING)
Oh, who am I kidding?
I stink without
Don's crazy words.
That guy's got poetry in him,
and all I got is
"Crummy leather shoe."
(SOBBING)
Are you all right, Dino?
(NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm not cryin', I just
got somethin' in my eye.
And if you tell
anybody different,
I might have to
have you capped.
Nothing personal,
it's just I'm old-fashioned.
I won't tell anyone.
You know, kid,
there's nothing in this world
like a good partnership.
Yeah, your partner's more
than just a partner.
He's your friend.
Somewhere along the line,
me and Don forgot that.
-Why don't you tell him?
-No, I can't do that.
I'm too proud
and full of myself
to admit I was wrong.
Sure, without Don,
I'll probably
destroy my career
and wind up a broken, lonely,
penniless shell of a man.
But at least
I'll have my pride.
Partner's a
special thing, kid.
Don't forget that.
(DON PLAYING MUSIC)
Without Sacagawea
(CATS YOWLING)
Clark would still be
In Duluth
Without you with me, baby
(CATS YOWLING)
I'm nothin', nothin'
That's the truth ♪
(WHIMPERING)
What am I, nuts?
I can't write music like Dino.
The man's a genius
and I'm nothin'.
Hey. Your song
wasn't that bad.
Oh, come on. Didn't you
hear those cats screaming?
Face it, I stink.
We had the best thing going
until we blew it
over a stupid argument.
The worst part is, kid,
I didn't just lose a partner,
I lost my best friend.
(SNIFFLING)
I just wish I was big enough
to admit it to him.
I'm sorry, Gerald.
I'm sorry, too.
Listen, I've been thinking
Yeah, me too.
I guess it was pretty dumb
of us to be fighting
over a talent show.
Yeah, it was dumb.
Yeah. Partners?
Partners.
Well, we're friends again.
But we still don't have an act
for the talent show tonight.
(DINO VOCALIZING)
And you need
A big tattoo ♪
(ARNOLD AND GERALD SIGH)
Boy, Dino sure can write
some lousy lyrics.
(DON SINGING)
Without Oliver Hardy
Stan Laurel
Wouldn't show ♪
And Don must be the worst
melody writer on the planet.
You put them together,
they'd be great.
But, separately, oh, man.
(DINO AND DON'S
SONG OVERLAPPING)
(CATS YOWLING)
Arnold, are you thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
Come on, we only have
a few hours to rehearse.
Hey, you lousy ingrate.
What are you doing here?
Kid invited me, you bum.
What's your excuse?
Kid invited me, too.
Last time I checked,
this was still a free country.
Any objections?
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you all for coming.
For our opening act,
Arnold will sing a song,
accompanied by Gerald
on piano.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Before we begin, we'd like to
thank the writers of the song,
Dino Spumoni and Don Reynolds.
(PLAYING MELODICALLY)
Without Oliver Hardy
Stan Laurel
Wouldn't show ♪
Hey, that's my melody.
And those are my lyrics.
What's the big idea?
What's goin' on?
♪Romeo
Without Sacagawea
Clark would still be
In Duluth
Without you with me, baby
I'm nothin'
That's the truth ♪
(SOBBING)
I'm sorry, buddy.
It was all my fault.
No, no, no, it was
my fault, Dino.
I'm a louse.
I'm the louse, pal.
(SNIFFLING) Well, okay.
But let's never bust up
the act again, okay?
Without Dr. Watson,
Sherlock wouldn't have a clue
Without you with me, baby
I'm nothin', no nothin'
I'm nothin' without you
Yeah!
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)