Hot In Cleveland s02e20 Episode Script

Women, as any Sandra Bullock movie would attest, are hopeless romantics.
Scratch the surface of the toughest Type-A female and you'll find a little girl still wating for Prince Charming to appear with a glass Prada pump.
Or at least a glass filled with vodka and vermouth.
Oh, I love romancing.
Look at her smile.
She's already imbuing him with all kinds of wonderful qualities he doesn't really have.
Think she'll take him home? In for a penny, in for a pounding.
Elka! I loaned her my Sex and the City DVDs.
Might have been a mistake.
I'm a Samantha.
May we please get back to the topic at hand? Which was me.
Here's to the newest spokesmodel for Très Jolie Cosmetics.
Finally my lifelong dream has come true.
Spokesmodeling is your dream? Yes, because it tells the world I'm pretty because I'm a model, but I'm also smart because there's spoke-ing involved.
Plus I get $1,000 every time I mention Très Jolie Cosmetics on my show.
And $10,000 if the story is sensational enough to go national.
Isn't it a little crass hoping for some huge catastrophe so you can make a few bucks pushing cosmetics? It's called a silver lining, Joy.
Oh, more good news for me.
It's Johnny.
Oh, he's touring and he wants to know if I'm up for a booty call.
Sounds like somebody's gonna get stuck between a rock star and a hard place.
Will you stop doing that? I think you secretly have a thing for Johnny.
I mean, a woman can't have sex with a guy without forming some sort of an attachment, right? They looked at me like I'd suggested we all say our real weights out loud.
Which got me thinking.
Was I really so off-base? I mean, can women have sex with no strings attached? Well of course we can.
A man in the hand is worth two in the-- Seriously? That one doesn't even make sense.
I think sex without strings is possible.
Of course not for me, I'm booty call cursed.
I've had mothers walk in, I've had mirrors fall from ceilings revealing hidden cameras.
I've had pet ferrets-- Oh, God, my life.
You know, this no-strings thing, I think it would make a great topic for my Women's Day column.
Actually, I met this cute divorced guy who's in town for a couple of days on business, do you think I should call him? - Well, why not? - Absolutely.
And I'm gonna call that cute guy I met with the tattoos.
Curses are meant to be broken, right? - And I'm gonna call Fred.
- Fred? You mean that nerdy guy you play cards with every Sunday? For the past 20 years.
But I thought you guys were just friends.
If the guy's a cutie, you gotta tap that booty.
If the guy's a hottie, you've got to be naughty.
When you say it, it just sounds crude.
The next night, in the spirit of research, I was finishing dinner with my cute out-of-towner when I decided to make my play.
Any recommendations for dessert? How about whipped cream, and me? Check! Uh, check.
You know, I'm just gonna leave my credit card and get it tomorrow.
- Shall we? - Okay.
No, wait, that sounded cheap.
You know, if it were real whipped cream, not from a can, that would be classier.
You see, I'm trying to have sex with no strings.
And I support you.
Great, so let's go.
No wait, I can't.
But shouldn't I try? - Right, so let's go.
- Okay.
No, wait, I can't.
But I said I would try.
But I have kids.
But they're not here, so how would they know? Because I'm writing about it.
But they might read it.
Why would they read it? Why would they read Women's Day? Well, my daughter might read it.
I should just order dessert.
At some point he just left, I didn't even notice.
So what happened with tattoo guy? Oh, my booty call curse is still intact.
At first when he said he might get a tattoo with my name on it, I was charmed.
Then when he started to undress, he had the name of every woman he's ever slept with tattooed on his body.
I'm hoping sis is short for sissy.
While Joy and I had clearly failed at "wham, bam, thank you, man.
" Back at the house, Victoria was about to rock rock star Johnny Revere's world.
Did someone call for 10 cc's of me? Oh, God.
Call 911.
Wow.
Way to commit to a bit.
No, really.
I'm dyin'.
Oh, boy.
After a night in the emergency room, Victoria found her bad boy with benefits had become a burden on bed rest.
I can't believe this happened to me.
I mean, I'm virile, I'm tough, could you fluff my pillow for me? Aw, don't worry.
You'll feel better.
Once you've given me an exclusive celebrity interview for my show "Oh, hi, Ohio.
" I can't go public.
A heart attack with no heroin involved is a career killer.
You can say you OD'd.
It doesn't have to be true, we never check.
No.
No, let the media jackals feed on my carcass after I'm dead.
They did it to Morrison, they did it to Hendrix, why should I be any different? But you are different.
Those guys all died when they were young.
You're right.
Look at me.
I'm too old to die young.
Johnny.
I know that the doctor said that mood swings were normal after a heart attack, but if you cry, you'll smear your eye liner.
- Eye liner? - Yes.
"Smoky Sable", new from Très Jolie.
I gave you a little touch-up while you were napping.
And if you let me mention it on TV I get $10,000.
Victoria, this heart attack has opened my eyes.
Yes, and now the eye liner is bringing them out, so why not share that with a national audience? Look at us.
We spent our whole lives chasing after money and fame.
And what's it really gotten us? Money and fame.
How can a nurse's outfit be so sexy it gives a man a heart attack? Maybe it was just the shock of seeing Victoria dressed as a humanitarian.
Aw.
"Thanks for last night, fried.
" Fried? Fred's phone auto-corrected.
I taught him to text last night.
After we played cards.
I cannot believe that you're the only one whose booty call got answered.
So how was the game? Fred had very good hands.
I didn't have to bluff once.
- Hello, Fred.
- Morning, Joy.
I'm looking for Elka.
I was gonna call, to find out if you got my text.
But then I thought, calling is so old-fashioned.
I'll just drop by.
I'm glad you did.
You know, last night's, uh, card game was the best I ever had.
Next time I'll show you how to double down.
I don't know what that means, but I tremble at the thought.
Joy, Melanie, good day.
- Bye, Fred.
- Bye-bye.
I hope we'll play cards soon again.
Oh, me too.
Ugh.
This is insufferable.
The heart of rock n' roll is still beating, but the rest of him is a quivering mass of neediness.
Poor Johnny.
Oh, he'll be fine.
No, it's really the caretakers who suffer.
I miss having someone to take care of.
Like Fred.
Taking care of him would be a pleasure.
Wow, is it serious with Fred? Well it's not the white hot passion it was with Max, but we're very compatible.
Good hands.
Mm.
He's sweet and funny, and we both prefer animals over people.
Sounds like maybe you guys have a future.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not a Samantha, I'm a Charlotte.
I'm gonna propose.
Wha--? Victoria? Can I have some chocolate milk? With a bendy straw, please? Having decided to go above and beyond the call of booty, Elka enlisted our help in setting the scene for her proposal.
So what else do we need to set the mood? I don't know what you and Fred are into.
Rawhide and a tennis ball.
For the dog.
A pretty lady lays a lunch to ask her true love to marry her it truly is a magic brunch that brings two hearts together Johnny sweetie, um, you know when I said that getting back to work could maybe help you heal? What I meant was writing the kinds of songs that you used to write.
You know, about sex and drugs and never staying in one place for too long? Now I see that sex and drugs are just a lonely path to self-destruction.
Yes but it's the path people like to dance to.
I mean, Elka doesn't even need a song, she's not madly in love with Fred.
They're just two dear old friends who make each other happy and have fun in the sack, so why not get married? Wow! You know, ever since my first single went platinum, I've just used women and kicked them to the curb.
It's been a happy life.
But something's missing.
And it's that something that keeps drawing me back to you.
Oh, my God, is it your heart again? What are you doing? You saved my life.
And now I need you to make it worth living.
Victoria Chase, will you marry me? That's a lot of beer.
Well I want him to say yes.
Trust me, you don't want a drunken yes to a marriage proposal.
They just take it back in the morning, then you're stuck for six more days on a seven day cruise.
Oh, God, my life.
Whoa! You guys, Johnny just proposed to Victoria! What did she say? This had better be an acid flashback, because I've just about had it with you, mister! Oh, no, what if Fred turns me down too.
Maybe I should call this off.
Too late.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hi.
- Oh, wow, some spread.
- Mm.
Would you like a St.
Pauli Girl? I'd prefer a Cleveland cupcake.
I'm good.
Melanie just told me Johnny proposed.
Ugh, one little brush with death and he goes all Josh Groban on me.
Did you pop the question? Oh, not yet.
Oh, girls, you've gotta help me, I'm choking out there.
Don't be afraid.
Sometimes you just gotta take a leap.
Sadly for Fred, out in the back yard chance was about to do just that.
You're right, I can do this.
Whoooooaaa! Did you guys hear something? - What's wrong, chance? - What is it, boy? Fred's fallen in the well.
It's Chance, not Lassie.
No, you dope, Fred just texted me.
He's okay but he's stuck and he can't get out.
- Oh my God.
- Call the Fire Department.
Tell them it's a deep well but it's dry.
I'm on it.
Hello, newsroom? I need a camera crew.
I gotta talk fast 'cause I need to call 911.
This is gonna be big, could go national.
Cha-ching! Much to Victoria's chagrin, "Ohio man trapped in a well," didn't go national.
"Twin baby Pandas" were hogging the country's attention at the San Diego Zoo.
Oh, my God, they're so cute! Anyway, ever resilient, Victoria dug up an old photo of Fred to goose the human interest angle.
The tension here at well-side is palpable.
As we wait, hoping the fire department will arrive in time to rescue Santa Claus from almost certain death.
Fred's fine.
Ah, this is Elka Ostrovsky, Santa's anguished sweetheart.
Now luckily she's wearing Très Jolie waterproof mascara, so no runny black streaks in the tracks of her tears.
No, I'm not.
I'll be back with more live coverage of "Christmas in danger; Santa trapped in a well" Oh, this is a disaster.
Those little show-off pandas are ruining everything.
Well, Americans love animals.
Thank goodness Chance didn't fall in the well too! Elka, where do we keep our dog treats? Tragedy has struck a second time here at the well.
In a Valiant attempt to rescue Santa Claus, this adorable pup, shown here dressed as a sheep to go trick or treating for UNICEF, threw himself into the abyss.
Wait--I'm just getting word.
We've gone national! Oh, this is great! And also tragic.
Have the firemen arrived yet? They haven't come and gone, have they? No, Fred's still trapped.
Victoria's pretending the dog's down in the well too so she can go national.
Gotta love her.
Even if she doesn't love you back.
Oh, Johnny, I'm sorry, honey.
Yes, love sucks.
I don't know why people bother, really.
Firemen are here! - How's my hair? - Oh, gorgeous, gorgeous.
- My make-up? - Glowy.
Good, good.
Firemen are working feverishly to extract Santa and his hero dog from the dank and humidity which without Très Jolie hair spray, can really do a number on your hair.
This is all my fault, I wish I had never thought of proposing.
Oh, Elka, Fred will be fine.
The firemen will get him out any minute.
They've obviously got very impressive equipment.
Not the time for Sex and the City puns, Joy.
No, she means that big harness, they'll get him out.
Actually I was making a sex pun to cut the tension, but yay! It's a tense moment, America, as they slowly lower the rescue harness down into the well.
Isn't she beautiful? And aren't we all trapped in wells of our own making? And yes, yes, they're lifting him out.
Much like the lift one gets from Très Jolie's firming face cream.
That's my cue to let you out, dude.
Oh, Fred, are you sure you're okay? - I'm fine.
- Oh.
Except it was kind of hard to hear "think fast" when you tossed down the beer.
Oh, what a joyous moment.
Christmas has been saved! Oh, my God, what's that? Here.
Here, back to me, back to me.
Well, it's a Très Jolie miracle, America's hero pup has been rescued too.
This is Victoria Chase, join me tomorrow when I do some hard-hitting comparison shopping for a new Jaguar convertible.
I'm sorry, Fred.
Actually Elka, being stuck in a well a man has time to think.
What I thought about mostly was how lonely I've been.
That and whether the bones down there were human.
But what I'm trying to say is, I'm not lonely when I'm with you.
I feel warm and comfortable.
Oh, me too.
We're like two cozy slippers.
Then shouldn't those two cozy slippers be together under the same bed Permanently? Are you asking me to marry you? If you'll have me.
Well, of course, I was gonna ask you! In that magical moment, everyone connected to their inner Charlotte.
Yes, we could have booty calls, but what we wanted was a truly loving relationship with lots of strings.
And in spite of her protest to the contrary, Victoria was feeling it too.
Seriously? You'll marry me? You know, when Fred proposed to Elka, it just suddenly made sense to me.
Romantic love is transitory, but love based on friendship and hot sex is eternal.
How about we quit this fast lane, and get a ranch in Montana? Oh, no stress, no agents, just dogs and horses and evenings out under the stars.
Oh, I can picture it already.
It sure gets cold up there.
And I do loathe the outdoors.
But what about Manhattan? We could get a loft in Soho, or noho, or whatever ho is fashionable now.
Or maybe L.
A.
I mena, I'm not gonna quit the music business altogether.
Well, my friends and my show are here in Cleveland, so, well, we'll just have to commute.
You know, we'll see each other whenever we start missing each other.
- Right, like we do now.
- Exactly.
Wow, I guess we already have the perfect relationship.
Yeah.
I guess we do.
But maybe someday, you know, when we're older, and our agents have turned their back on us-- Even when we're nobodies, you'll always be somebody to me.
Mm.
Hey, you know, I still have that nurse's uniform upstairs.
You think my heart can handle it? You know a better way to go out? And so, a booty call that started with a whimper, ended with a bang.
And just a few loose strings.
Because all the romantic comedies got it right.
The best happy endings, are the ones we build to last.
Although nothing says we can't have a little fun while we wait.