Joan of Arcadia s02e20 Episode Script

I need a head count for dinner.
Sounds expensive.
Double-cut lamb chops.
They were on sale.
Ooh, then I'm in and I'm grilling.
- Also present.
- Got a date.
Unless I can bring her.
Lily? Of course.
Maybe I'll wait until you stop saying her name in a voice only dogs can hear.
Up to you.
Joan? I'm passing on Bambi tonight.
But thanks.
Bambi was a venison.
Thumper then.
Uh, rabbit.
Whatever.
I'm skipping dinner.
You can't isolate yourself at a time like this and you definitely can't stop eating.
Time like what? Hum, she and Adam.
She dumped Rove.
I had a very good reason.
A very good reason I can't disclose.
Did it involve a wardrobe malfunction? Well, it didn't involve a member of the clergy.
What does that mean? Kevin's cavorting with a nun.
Huh, ex-nun.
I don't like the dating years.
I'll go.
Why not? Maybe I'll get kidnapped.
He's not the only fish in the sea.
Some day you'll look back at this and laugh.
- He doesn't deserve you! - Ok, just stop.
- Yeah.
- Good morning.
Am I speaking to the lady of the house? Of course I am, and what a lovely lady.
How are you this fine spring morning? What I have to show you today may change your life.
Well, at least it'll change your carpet.
I see you don't have a carpet.
This works equally well on hardwood floors, area rugs, upholstery, you name it, Joan.
Come here.
All those churches, and God still has to go door to door.
When I say clean, I'm not talking tidy.
Can we just get to it? I know you're hurting.
You need to do something about that.
And I'm sure you have a really great suggestion.
You need to clean.
Clean what? What needs cleaning? Well, I already dumped my cheating boyfriend.
That's not clean enough for you? Cleaning is a process of discovery.
It changes your perception, and it makes things smell good.
I don't even know where to start.
Start anywhere.
Just clean.
It's therapeutic.
Can I just go to therapy? Season 2 - episode 20 Spring cleaning According to study results put out by Harvard, Joan and Adam had 5 of the 8 positive predictors of a successful relationship.
Looks like a nautical theme for spring.
Can't get enough of that look.
Shared common interests, proud of their connection Velour? Why are we giving that another chance? Confided in each other, I mean, easily resolved conflicts.
Probably held a similar, you know, socio-political belief system.
Dude, Rove was putting it around.
I don't want to know that.
Ugh! God, do I have to beat him up now? Heh! Sure, why not throw pugilism into the pot.
This freaks me out.
- Why are you not freaked out? - Why would I be? It's how dating works.
We're dating.
We're not like that.
- Yet.
- Grace Iook, we're not really dating, we're making out.
- We have a relationship.
- An arrangement.
Whatever.
The point is, they had way more going for them in terms of compatibility and they're over, which just, you know, makes you think.
Not me.
Oh, now that is a good use of a cow.
Grace! We're not discussing this anymore, dude, we're looking at a jacket.
Tell me that's not the coolest jacket in the world.
It's nice.
They're not us, ok? - Hi.
- Hey.
I'm dropping out of physics study group.
Why? 'Cause I thought it might make things easier on you.
Easier on me? Please.
Don't do me any favors.
Really, you've done enough.
Great.
Glad to see you've moved on.
Moved on?! Moved on?! I am so far moved on, I'm invisible! That's how moved on I am! Physics, I presume? Not really.
Heh.
Just don't bring it to class.
Keep it in your own magnetic field.
Break-ups are the worst.
I have some scars myself.
Stacy Ann Beesom.
Sophomore year.
I sometimes imagine her getting caught in a ceiling fan.
Guidance counselor who's still hung up on his high school girlfriend.
- Not encouraging.
- Oh, no, I I've been trounced on way more recently.
It's just too raw to discuss.
I guess I just need to adjust, but thanks for listening.
Listen, high school boys are just hormones with car keys.
They can't help themselves.
I know.
I was one.
I wish I could find that comforting.
Hey, you know I am always around.
- You want to call me, day or nigh - I know, I'll hit you on your cell.
Wow, now I'm a routine.
No, no.
It's nice.
Thank you.
I mean it, any time.
It's what I do.
Watch it.
Floor's wet.
You know, if I were God, I'd give myself better jobs.
How do you know this job isn't fun.
You haven't tried it.
I picked up.
I told you, I'm not talking about being tidy.
I'm talking about really getting in there where the real dirt lives.
Just lifting up the rock - and looking underneath it.
- Could you please not wave that thing around? I feel diphtheria coming on.
Joan, you can't get clean until you get your hands dirty.
That's all I'm saying.
Ok, that is never all you're saying.
And don't do the wave.
I am so over the wave.
Sorry, johnny is such a hard name to remember.
So easy to forget.
Johnny.
There.
See you later I want to live when it was ok to have hips and smoke.
Oh, here.
Hold on.
W-w-wait, there's like tippy hair on there.
- Sorry.
- That's ok.
Mmm No, you're not bothering us.
Ginger, I keep forgetting you're even here.
Ok? Don't worry about it.
Mmm How how can you understand her? What do you mean? Well, nothing, I guess.
But does she ever leave? The apartment? No.
She's agoraphobic.
You know, afraid of the world.
How do you deal with that? You kidding? I used to live in a convent, ok? What's one phobic roommate who mumbles? Um Um-mm-m? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would love some tea.
- Kevin, you want some? - Uh, no, thank you.
Um-mm Wait a minute, so she like never leaves? Well, she left once last year.
Fire drill.
So I'm going to have to set a fire for us to be alone? Uh, have you ever thought about getting your own place? God, that was rhetorical, but you really haven't.
Yeah, someday, sure, but there are practical things to consider.
There's considerations that are practical.
Like? Money.
You you make more money than I do.
- And other stuff.
- Uh You're gonna make me say it.
Ok.
I have to have help.
Ok, there are all kinds of county programs for in-home care.
You seriously have never thought about it? Well, I never really had to before now.
Ok, but you can't live with your parents forever.
I mean, it is very sexy and all, but I don't know.
- You are a very obnoxious nun.
- I know Um the tea, the tea.
Oh, great.
Tea.
Thank you.
- Great.
- Mmm, um sorry mm.
What are you doing? Just a little spring cleaning.
No really.
Mom, you say that like I never clean.
Should I be worried? No, I'm fine.
It's therapeutic.
No, don't step on the return pile, please.
That all goes back to Tuckman.
What, you you have Tuckman's stuff? Yeah.
Loans me books and cds.
He's trying to be part of the youth culture.
Is that appropriate? He's just trying to be cool, mom.
He's a goof.
Hey, is this yours? That's my mother's cameo.
Well, I almost threw it out.
So honey, I'm here if you want to talk.
This is your first big breakup and I don't want to talk.
This is helping.
Driving away from the wreck of the day and the light's always red in the rear-view passed really close to a coffin of hope I cheat destiny just to be near you and if this is giving up then I'm giving up if this is giving up then I'm giving up giving up on love on love driving away from the wreck of the day and I'm thinking about calling on Jesus 'cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love I'm just falling to pieces and if this is giving up then I'm giving up if this is giving up then I'm giving up giving up on love on love Here.
What's that? It's your stuff.
I thought you'd want it back.
Why? Spring cleaning.
It's therapeutic.
But I made all that for you.
Ahem, yeah, right, but it's yours.
You know, it's your art.
I thought you'd want to give it to someone else.
Not, like, another girl, but, you know, uh maybe for a gallery in the future or something.
See you around.
- Helen, what is it? - It's Kevin.
Oh my god.
Is is he ok? What happened? I got inspired by Joan's spring cleaning, so I decided to clean Kevin's room as a little surprise to him, and I found this.
I don't get it.
Those are ads for single bedroom apartments circled in red.
Help me.
I'm a man.
Kevin's looking for an apartment.
Right.
He's thinking about moving out.
Well, that's good.
- Good?! - It means he's feeling more independent.
Well, honestly, ok, it's about sex.
He's 21.
With Lily, the ex-nun.
He's getting an apartment so he can be with her in the apartment.
I don't know what to say.
Well, he can't be on his own, Will.
Honey, did you really think he was gonna be with us forever? And is that really what you want? - Forget it! - Helen.
Oh! Ooh, Mr.
Tuckman, sorry.
I thought you were at lunch.
I was just gonna leave these.
- Joan, I'm with a student.
- Yeah.
I'll be quick.
I just was cleaning out my closet, and I found a bunch of stuff that you lent me: Badly drawn boy loved it.
Leonard Cohen needed a therapist.
- Just leave it right there.
- Oh, now this: The love poems of E.
E.
Cummings.
I thought he was all about typos.
This stuff is amazing.
E.
E.
Cummings? Oh.
Well, I'm I'm sorry.
You just said, "any time," so Chelsea What was that? That was a troubled student.
I didn't know you actually counseled people.
Yeah.
- She's gonna be ok? - I think so.
I think so.
It's really up to her, isn't it, us being the architect of our own reality and all? What about you? Are you ok? Ok.
Yeah.
Um.
- Thanks for the stuff.
- Anytime.
Look, ok, dude, I know that superman eventually learned to control his powers, but I'm just saying that the first few times that he took a leak, I mean, he must've just blown apart the porcelain.
Yo, astroboy, wait up! That's for you.
- For me? - Wear it.
Dude, put it on.
I can't just decide to wear leather and do it.
Right, you have to own it first.
You gonna let it intimidate you? No.
You tell it who's boss.
- She gave me a gift.
- Right.
She's never done that before.
Exactly.
So you have no choice.
It's all about attitude, anyway.
That's the whole thing.
Nice.
Ahem.
Attitude and a little tailoring, maybe.
I may need a little time.
And time.
Time will help.
The laws of physics are immutable, are they not, noble warriors? The answer They are until they aren't! Copernicus said that the earth was not the center of the universe.
They nearly killed him.
Likewise, Newton said that white light contains all the colors of the spectrum.
People jumped off buildings to avoid engaging in such a reality.
Kierkegaard said that in order to build an hypothesis, worth trusting, we must first tear down all existing thought, which can get pretty messy.
Is he rocking? I think he's rocking.
It's not just his moving out, and it's not just an "overprotective mother" thing.
There are issues.
Kevin has special needs.
- And not just the special needs she's thinking about.
- Helen.
Perhaps you should be discussing this with Will.
I tried.
I really did, but he's a man.
And you're a man, too, but a different kind of man.
- She's a nun.
- Ex-nun.
And she's older than he is.
I feel like she's influencing him.
That must be difficult for you.
So my point is, do you think you could talk to her? - About her love life? - Mm.
No.
I feel intensely uncomfortable talking to you about it.
Why? You're a priest! I'm sorry.
You hear everything.
I really don't hear this particular dilemma very much.
When was the last time you and Will had a chance to sit and discuss things like this - as a couple? - What things? I'm talking about empty nest syndrome.
This is not empty nest syndrome.
It's a real thing.
People go through it.
Maybe some counseling would be good.
That's all I'm saying.
You know what? This isn't helpful.
I'm sorry.
Ehh do me a favor and don't introduce me to any more nuns.
Not a problem.
Please, have a seat, Ms.
Girardi.
I didn't do anything I swear.
Ms.
Girardi, Mr.
Tuckman is your college advisor, is that correct? Yes.
And have you been spending a lot of time with him as a consequence? More than I used to.
Because I decided to go to college and all, uh he's been giving me guidance.
What's this all about? And did Mr.
Tuckman give you a book of love poems and other personal items? Love poems? Those things I saw in your room.
Oh, that ehh! That was just stuff.
You know, it was just some cds and books, but I gave it back.
But what we're worried about is whether or not Mr.
Tuckman has been, ahh inappropriate with you.
Ew.
Gross.
Mom, are you kidding me? Ahem! Do you know Chelsea Burnett? Ahem.
Yeah, I know who she is.
She claims that he lured her into an intimate relationship and that she's not the only one.
She says he's also involved with you.
That's nuts.
She's crazy.
I went to Tuckman's office to return that stuff, and Chelsea was in there.
She was crying and oh, no.
She totally got the wrong idea because I cleaned out my closet.
Well I'm gonna have to take your word for it at this point.
There will be an investigation.
We'll need to talk to you again then.
All right, you may go.
Or like this.
All wrong, never get anywhere.
The active ingredient is oxygen, but then, you know that.
Thanks for the great advice, as usual.
People get comfortable with mess.
It starts to look normal to them.
When you move it around, dust flies.
It has to get worse before it gets better.
Great, and I'll bet it hurts you more than it hurts me.
The point is, Joan: Don't stop cleaning.
It's just a mess.
All a mess needs is some tension, some effort, a little vision.
Before you know it, you'll start to see daylight.
You know, technically speaking, it's not even my mess.
We're all in this together.
There's never been a stain that can't be removed.
All you have to do is roll up your sleeves Ahh, that feels good.
And start scrubbing.
Because the longer you ignore a mess, the bigger it gets.
Huh.
Ok, what I like is low-maintenance tenants on account of I work on my poetry during the day.
Uh has this place ever really been cleaned? I mean with real cleaning products? Whoa! I'm sensing hostility.
Uh, look, I'm just saying, but, uh, what? No extra charge for the mold? Hey, look, if you're gonna be high-maintenance you know what? Don't worry.
All right? I'm not living here.
Yeah, but you're staying here, and I want you to be comfortable.
I'm staying here? What? You're not staying here? You assumed that I'm going to be spending the night? You want to move on to the kitchen? There's a brand-new garbage disposal.
I thought that was kinda the point.
The the point? Hey, you guys need some personal space? You assumed that this was about sex? Ok, I'm, uh just gonna head back.
Well, what was I supposed to think? Uh try anything I mean, anything else.
A grown-up move or a right of passage.
I mean anything but a nookie palace.
Point of adulthood: People don't actually say, "nookie palace.
" Point of respect this is a huge and humiliating assumption on your part.
It never occurred to you that this subject might be a little difficult for me, that we should have a serious talk about it because it's something that I haven't confronted before? Oh, this is this is a bad idea.
I only need a minute.
- Were you followed? - Let me in.
I can help you.
Welcome to my nightmare.
I've been engaged in some primo soul-searching.
Shove aside the polyhydrogenated treat of your choice and have a seat.
Mr.
Tuckman, I just wanted you to know that I believe you and I defended you.
I don't know why Chelsea got me involved with this, but I feel responsible, and I want to help you clean up.
It was bound to happen eventually.
- So you really are having a thing with her? - Of course not.
She's a child.
I'm a grown man, Joan.
What happened? Well, Chelsea's a disturbed girl.
That's why I was counseling her.
She was having debilitating anxiety attacks.
Somewhere along in there, she became convinced that she was in love with me.
I couldn't talk her out of it.
I tried.
I probably should have just walked away, but, oh, no! Dana Tuckman to the rescue.
You want some tea, a coke, or something? The point is, this is all just a huge misunderstanding.
It's a mess, Mr.
Tuckman, and all a mess needs is is a little vision, a little attention, a little effort.
Before you know it, it'll all be cleaned up.
So what I think we need to do is make a list of references, you know, kids who will vouch for you, adults, too.
Do you happen to have a girlfriend? Or an ex-girlfriend, maybe someone who will you know, give a reference on your behalf? - Just Elaine.
- Elaine, great.
She won't do it.
She resents me.
- Well, Elaine who? - Lischak.
"Lischak", as in "Ms.
Lischak"? Yeah.
You dated Ms.
Lischak? Dated her? I adored her.
I revered her.
Well, what happened? She dumped me over the summer.
Why? She said I didn't act my age.
Could you go now? My mom's gonna be home soon.
Ok.
So you guys had an actual relationship.
My hair was too long.
She didn't like the earring.
She had a list.
They always have a list.
No, the point is, Ms.
Lischak knows that you're not into hitting on students.
I mean, you're obviously into older women, right? What is she, like, - You really have no sense of chronology, do you? - All I'm saying is that maybe we can get her to testify on your behalf.
I think it's better if we just leave it alone, ok? - If you ignore a mess, it only gets bigger.
- Ok I'll do all the advising around here.
Look, I know what you all think about me.
You think I'm a loser.
You think I've abandoned all my promise and my dreams and I'm just slumming it.
I'm acting like a kid because I'm too afraid to fit into the adult world.
Well, you know what? You're absolutely right.
And what you're witnessing is the natural conclusion to a misspent life.
It's over.
- How can you say that? You're only 30.
- 29.
Mr.
Tuckman, there is no such thing as a stain that can't be removed! Dana! Dana! I told you to bring the trash cans around! - Can you slip out the back, please? - Will you just think about it? - Please? Please? - Will you just just think about it.
Dana, how many times must I ask you to do things around the house? And you left the cereal bowls in the sink again.
- Are you mad at me? - I'm not.
- Because it feels - I'm not mad.
Ok.
But if you were, what would you be mad about? Good morning.
Am I interrupting? - No.
Of course not.
- Not at all.
I'm kind of low on laundry.
Really? Yeah.
I'm wearing pink socks.
Well, pink is the new black.
But seriously, I've got a business meeting tomorrow.
What do you suppose other people do when they run out of clean clothes? I supposed they do their laundry, which I've always volunteered to do, but I don't mind doing it.
I'm trying to illustrate a point.
It's just something that you're not accustomed to doing for yourself.
Look, I don't know how you found out, but you don't have to worry, 'cause I'm not moving out.
I thought about it and I decided against it, so you'll have a gimp in your house for a long time to come.
I'll just buy some socks.
Ms.
Lischak? Ms.
Girardi.
No extra credit this term.
I've been very clear about that.
No, no.
This is about something else.
It's about Mr.
Tuckman.
Eh! Out of bounds.
Not for discussion.
But he's in trouble.
He needs your help.
Mr.
Tuckman knows how to grow up.
He chooses not to, which is why he's in the mess he's in.
It's up to him to crawl out of it.
You know, sometimes when a person is in a mess, they can't even see the mess.
It just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Juxtaposed coherent aggregates vibrating in unison or harmonic ratio are mutually attracted.
Ok.
Tuckman has attracted this mess, pulled it into his orbit.
No one else can fix it but him.
But according to unified field theory, aren't we all in the same mess? Yes.
But it's just a theory.
Dismissed, grasshopper.
Hey.
I've been looking for you.
I wanted to give you your stuff back.
Why? In order to make room for the stuff you gave back to me, I had to clear some space out.
Frieda Calo? Your airbrush pen? Sea monkeys? I gave these to you.
I wanted you to have them.
And I did.
I had them and now I don't.
You know, I don't know, man.
Call me crazy but I think I could do boots next.
Whoa! Slow down, Icarus! The wings are made of wax, remember? Look at that.
Walking ahead and with a swagger? What have I done? I don't know, but undo it.
I've tried.
He won't give the jacket back.
What is wrong with men? Are they broken? Are they missing parts? I don't know.
Like Tuckman.
How nuts is that? And with chelsea Burnett? She's totally bipolar.
No, no, no, no, no.
He didn't do it.
So why is he leaving? - Leaving? - Yeah.
That's what I heard.
- They sent he and his earring packing.
- Oh, man.
Where are you going? Unbelievable.
I just have to get it off my chest that I don't want to be here.
I'm not a big fan of therapists or priests.
I'm doing this to make my wife happy.
Your candor is appreciated.
- I have more where that came from.
- Will.
But I'll keep it to myself.
We're here because as you know I've had some difficulty dealing with some things lately.
- Kevin leaving.
- No.
There's more to it than that.
As you know, Will and I had a hard year.
We had the lawsuit.
We had his boss.
I think I'm probably still angry about all that.
And then the empty nest thing.
It's not an empty nest thing.
My nest is not empty, so stop saying that.
It can't be that simple.
I think it is.
Listen to the priest, honey.
I was mean to him.
I didn't do his laundry.
I undermined him.
You tried to keep him home.
Safe.
Like a child.
But how horrible is that? It's just a thing that happens, Helen, to a lot of people.
You'd be able to see that more clearly if Kevin's situation weren't complicated.
You're gonna go through some things with him that are unrelated to his condition.
This is one of them.
Is he saying I'm normal? - I hate that.
- I know.
I was gonna be so evolved.
I was gonna be thrilled to see my children happy and independent, ready to take on the world especially Kevin, and - to realize I don't want that? - You do want that, you just don't like it.
And then after he leaves, Joan is gonna leave, and then - then Luke is gonna leave.
- Let's take them one at a time, ok? Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Packing up.
What are you doing? - They fired you? - I resigned.
Chelsea recanted, but I resigned anyway.
- Why? - 'Cause I shouldn't be here.
- You showed me that.
- Well I didn't mean to show you that.
Underachieving, acting like a child, my life was going nowhere, and the thing is, I never would have had the courage to face that if this horrible thing hadn't happened, so you know what? Thank you for helping make it horrible.
- Well, what are you gonna do now? - I don't know.
You know, hit the road, follow my bliss, all that Joseph Campbell stuff.
The truth is, I was afraid to try to be great, so I settled for mediocre, but once you hit rock bottom, you lose your fear and it's fantastic.
Wow.
Ok.
What about your mother? Moving out.
- H ow is she taking it? - She'll get over it.
When I tell her.
I'm telling her tonight.
Is it true? Elaine? Just tell me if it's true.
- Which part? - You're quitting? - Going on the road, throwing off the shackles? - Shackle free.
- Leaving your mom? - I'm telling her tonight.
- Haircut? - Nope.
A little.
You're excused, Girardi.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go.
Hey, you don't have to do that.
- I don't mind.
- No, no, no, mom, really.
I'm taking it to the fluff'n'fold.
I can afford it, and I have to stop depending on you.
Kevin, I'm sorry about the way I've been acting.
It's ok.
And I think you should move out.
Right now? No, but soon.
When you're ready.
Now I have to leave before I cry.
Hey, can I ask you a question? Ok.
What do women want? - Shoes.
- What else? It's complicated.
I think you might have to spend the rest of your life figuring that one out.
I knew what they wanted in high school.
It's so different now.
I mean what do I have to offer her besides my wit and my charm? That's a given.
She wants to be respected, listened to, understood.
She wants flowers.
She wants to laugh.
She wants to trust you.
She doesn't want to read your mind.
She wants to be valued for who she is.
And sometimes she wants you to just shut up and stop trying to fix things.
This is going to be very difficult.
Uh-huh? Oh! What happened? Oh, this? It's my new look.
I'm also wearing a ton of perfume and I'll probably be saying things like "no way" a lot.
I don't think you're being logical.
Have you looked in a mirror? Oh, yeah! Kelly Green.
The preppy thing totally works for me.
Grace, you can't look like that.
How does it feel watching someone you thought you knew have a total personality transplant? You gave me the jacket.
I was trying to make you happy.
Well, stop.
Because if you don't stop, I'm gonna kill you.
Look, I panicked.
It was like you were saying the whole Adam-Joan thing, they're so much alike and they didn't make it, and I over-thought it.
- You were worried - Leave it.
About losing me.
Drop the jacket, dude.
This conversation's over.
Ok.
I'll take it off, but I won't give it back.
What are you gonna do with it? Just keep it around.
Like art.
Fair enough.
Turn around.
We're closed for everyone but God.
This won't take long.
I'm looking for a T.
S.
Eliot poem.
It starts, "April is the cruelest month.
Breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing mem" ooh! Here it is.
- The waste land.
- That's perfect for me.
It's like my life.
It's all about spring cleaning, dragging things out into the light, how hard it is to look at our own dirt, how comfortable it is to be in denial.
The idea about april being the cruelest month cruel in its beauty, cruel in its insistence upon resurrection.
You know what? I'm not even annoyed with You.
I'm glad I helped up and I can even admit that You were right.
How's that for progress? Well, it's good, but you're not finished.
Yeah.
I know.
I know I am never finished.
I get that You're not ever going away.
I mean with the cleaning.
There's still a big stain on your carpet.
Have You seen my room? You could eat off the floor.
You could perform surgery.
It's not in your room, Joan.
Then where is it? You know.
Yeah.
Yes, I do know.
I just like the sound of my own confusion.
You know where it is.
It still feels unclean.
It's like spiritual spinach in your teeth.
Clean it up, Joan.
You'll feel better.
That's what you were doing the first time I came here.
Remember that? How much it freaked you out? You made me nervous.
Really? 'Cause I liked you so much.
I didn't think you could ever like me, so well, you were wrong.
Yeah.
I brought my stuff back.
I want all the things that you made for me.
Maybe I earned them.
You know I thought I was cleaning you out of my life so I could move on.
But the real mess wasn't the stuff.
It was it was being mad at you and letting it get so big that I couldn't appreciate what we had.
I don't want to lose that, you know.
Me neither.
Ok.
Thank you.
Good night, then.
Good night.