My Name is Earl s02e20 Episode Script

Randy, what are you doing ? Grandpa tied that tie for me, five years ago.
You know I don't know how to tie it again.
I'm sorry Earl.
I just wanted to show you how I'd look like as a drunk guy at Natey's party.
Nice, Rock The Casbah.
Hurry up, if I'm late for the funeral, I'm gonna get in trouble.
The last girl to show up has to give to the departed his final lapdance.
There was only one man in town who could make people afraid of him even from beyond the grave.
And that man was Richard Chubby.
During his lifetime, Richard Chubby was a powerful businessman.
He owned everything worth owning in Camden.
Come on down ! And don't forget, sweat pants are allowed and truckers shower for free And Richard Chubby liked more than just the smell of money.
And when you combine all that money and all that power, you get a whole lot of crazy.
Open up.
Vodka.
And, even if he didn't have a weapon in his hand, his hand was still a weapon.
It was the scariest, when even Chubby didn't know what he was doing.
Would you like me to freshen that drink for you ? I got the wrong gun ! The was a huge crowd at Chubby's funeral.
Not cause people loved him but, cause attendance was mandatory for all of Chubby employees.
Even worse, the service's scheduled during their own paid lunch break.
It's damn shame.
I heard Chubby was just trying to do a vodka shot, picked up the wrong gun and blew his head off.
Poor guy.
Could happen to anybody.
You know we could leave.
It's not like Chubby is gonna pop out of the coffin and kill people if they walk out.
The reason we're staying is because of the new boss.
The new boss was even worse.
Cause, with Big Chubby gone, there was only one person to take over the family business.
His son.
Little Chubby.
My name is Earl.
Since Big Chubby had died, his son was the most powerful man in Camden County.
That made me nervous, since me and him had history.
Few years ago, Little Chubby favorite hobby was messing with people.
- He messed with Randy.
- Hey, Randy.
There is a spot on your shirt.
I'm not looking down.
I'm not falling for that again.
Come on, look at it, I'll be a lot of laughs.
All right, fine, you win.
He messed with me.
Come on, Earl, get your ear pierced.
You know, that way we can be earring buddies.
Earrings aren't really my thing, L.
C.
So what you're saying is you think-- you think earrings look stupid.
No, no, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.
I like earrings.
Yeah, I think that's what you're saying.
Little Chubby ?! Little Chubby ?! What are you doing ? Let me take a look.
Maybe you're right.
It does look stupid.
I think this ear means you're gay.
Even messed with Crabman.
Hey, that's Fine Young Cannibals.
I'll tell you something.
I do not like Fine Young Cannibals.
But the reason he ended up on my list was, he messed with Joy when she was pregnant of Earl Junior.
Did I ever tell that I-- always had a fantasy to do it with a pregnant chick.
It's like having sex with a fat chick, except I can't get her pregnant.
Yeah, I wouldn't have sex with you if I was starving and your wiener was a ham sandwich.
Ham wiener, classic.
Yeah, while you were laughing, I accidentally cut off your rat tail.
So, I'll tell you what there, pretty girl.
Why don't we see if you can drink this, before I cut off your hair.
Hurry up.
He made me drink Randy's rat tail.
I would've rather drank a real rat tail.
You need to kill Little Chubby, slowly.
Are you crazy ? I'm not messing with that psycho.
Well then, you should have married a whore who doesn't mind being disrespected by men, instead of a real lady like me.
There was no point arguing with Joy over Little Chubby, or that real lady comment.
I wanted to make her happy without getting myself killed wich mean I'd have to be really really clever.
Number 43 on my list.
Racked a rich guy.
The day after the funeral, I went to talk to little Chubby to tell him what I had done.
I'd expected him to do something crazy, but not this.
Earl.
I want to thank you.
Thruth is, the day you kicked me was-- that was a turning point in my life.
Little Chubby explained that what hurt more than a stabbing pain in his baby makers was realization that everyone hated him.
And even weeks later, he couldn't shake the pain.
And so, he just kept walking.
When a rich person is upset, they can do more than just take a walk around the block.
They can take a walk anywhere.
What's up aborigines ? And somewhere along his walk, he got the idea to be a nice person in the world.
Do good deeds like feed the hungry.
Alright, you aborigines, wich one of you had a Vegemite on wheat ? The more he talked, the more I realized we had something in common.
We were both trying to be better people.
So I didn't want to come back but somebody had to run the family business.
I'm not gonna do like my Dad did.
It's gonna be a kinder gentler Club Chubby for now on.
Got a heated stripper pole for gals.
Screening for Hep C, free of charge.
And, huh, I finally put a put a light bulb in the VIP room.
Can I touch the heated pole ? Yeah, sure, knock yourself out.
Anyway, Earl, I want to thank you for making me a better person.
Maybey if somebody kicked my dad in the nuts years ago, he would'nt be such a mean guy and my mom wouldn't hit the highway.
Well, that must have been tough seeing your mom leave.
No, she didn't leave.
My dad threw her out a moving car.
Still, it's tough to watch.
Anyways, thanks a lot.
Just want Just want to thank you.
Come here.
It's male intimacy.
It's not just for gays anymore.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I don't think I'm allowed to take phone numbers.
Since it turned out Little Chubby was a whole new guy, we started to hanging out with him again.
Only this time, he didn't scare the hell out of us.
I wanted to get you a card, but they didn't have one that said sorry I cut out your rat tail.
Cool.
This is way softer than my real hair.
He even let us hang out at the mansion he inherited and live like they did on silver spoons.
Hey, Joy.
Hey, foetus.
How are you two doing, Joy.
Living large L.
C.
Man, is this thing comfortable ? They should make wheelchairs out of this stuff.
Then nobody would bitch about being in one.
I love it here.
Man, I'm rusty.
Who's that ? Well, just enjoy.
Pretty nice up here, huh ? Huh, yeah.
I could get used to living like this again.
Well, I'm just happy I can share with people, you know ? Friends.
It was nice seeing a man who used to be so angry all the time be so happy.
Hey, I want you to, huh, grab yourself some fresh food.
And I'm gonna catch a few of Z's.
Still, I wanted to do some' so I could cross Little Chubby off my list.
But, I couldn't figure out what since his life was so perfect.
Then I saw his freakishly damaged Little Chubbies and I realized he had two giant problems.
Hey, Earl, you never gonna Oh my God.
Ever since I've seen his robe fall open, I couldn't get Little Chubby crazy looking gonad pouch off my brain.
And so, he was back on my list.
Yeah, it's about half big each one was.
Now, show 'em the color.
It was mostly purple like this.
But there was black and blue too.
Then, there where streaks of a color I can only describe as roarange.
That's probably why he always made that sound when he sat down.
I thought it's 'cause he was just relaxing.
Hey guys, how's it going ? Hey, man.
Sit down and join us.
Don't mind if I do ? So, how're you guys doing ? And for the shape, I'm really gonna need a hammer.
It looks like I always picturing Grimace's McNuggets.
I bet that's why he doesn't have a woman.
Little Chubby, not Grimace.
I'm sure Grimace pulls chicks left and right.
The injury could have affected his libido like when you get a dog neutered and he doesn't wanna hump your leg anymore even if you're wearing corduroy.
That explain why he didn't even look when I kissed Lacy on stage the other day.
See, that's the look I expected to get.
Well, I got to make it up to him somehow.
I just hope he doesn't need a transplant, cause, I don't think we're the same type.
Okay, we don't compare this mango to a man's nads, cause I wanna eat it.
Nobody had any ideas about how I could help Chubby.
So I decided to talk to him man-to-man.
So you guys saw it, huh ? Well Sorry, I-- I hope that wasn't too traumatic for you.
You know some aborigine tribes actually, used to pray to them.
So what do you say ? Almost done here fellows ? To be honest, I haven't looked at myself for months.
It kinda freaks me out.
So one part of it has still-- I just don't even have the word to describe it, can I-- ? Browrange ? - Yeah, that's it.
- I'm afraid so.
You also have bleen, yurple, and gred.
Oh, that's not cool.
So, it's nothing that doctors can do ? Oh, I don't know.
I've never been to a doctor.
My dad always used to say-- He said never trust a man, that wants to put his fingers in your butt.
Yeah, well, you can't argue with that logic.
Yeah, but on the other hand, if dad was so smart, why would he have a giant hole in his head, where vodka should be.
So, uh Let's go see a doc, huh ? Cheese and crackers That's something.
I can see your heart beat.
So, can you fix him ? Without a transplant, hopefully.
Not that I wouldn't be willing.
No, no transplant, but I gotta say You couldn't have kicked him in a more perfect spot.
Mister Chubby.
You 've got an obdurate testicular hematoma.
You know any of those words ? He took the jingle out of your bells, son, you're not making testosterone.
That explains your low sex drive.
And why you rented Memoirs of a Geisha, the other night.
.
Man that was the worst kungfu movie ever.
So as you can see, doc, we gotta fix this right away.
Since I was the one who had broken little Chubby, I thought, I should be there when he got fixed.
How you doing ? I'm not gonna lie to you, Earl, I'm a little scared.
I miss my mom.
When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark and she'd hold my hand.
Hold my hand, would you, Earl ? Sure.
Thank you.
Then she She'd stroke my hair.
There you go.
Then she'd sing to me.
Yeah, she was one hell of a woman, wasn't she ? She was an angel, Earl.
An absolute angel, you have no idea.
But, now she's dead.
And this guy is gonna take about a quart of liquid out of my sack.
So, just sing to me, Earl.
I remember she-- she loved Skynyrd.
Fine.
If I leave here tomorrow Would you still remember me For I must be trav'ling on now 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see So, Little Chubby's doctor finally put Humptey and Dumptey back together again.
And me and Randy let our new friend recover at the motel.
The store is out of ice so your option is Popsicles or frozen dinners.
I'd better stick with the Popsicles.
That picture of Mama Mia looks-- a little bit too much like my grandma.
Besides, it would be easyier to work with popcycles around my stitches.
Oh, no ! Oh, please, no ! Another sneeze ? Oh, yeah, a big one.
I can barely look.
Did I pop a stitch ? No, it looks alright.
Have Catalina bring up more towels and I'll call the doctor.
Luckily nothing fell out before the doctor could restitch Little Chubby.
And within a few days, his cherries didn't just look normal, they started sending the proper signals up to his brain.
Holy crap ! Now, I get it.
She jumps and all the female body parts move around.
Amazing.
No wonder we make a fortune in this place.
I bet everybody here has working testicles.
Unfortunaly, testosterone brought back more than just Little Chubby lust for the ladies.
It brought back his aggression.
Oh my God, I won.
I never win.
You must really suck.
Yeah, congratulations.
Before we knew it, Chubby was up to his old tricks.
Hey, that's my boat.
How'd you like it if I went to your house and used your crock pot or whatever it is you poor people cook with ? LC ! What was that, limo backfire ? Hey, those are my Water Wings.
You need to kill Little Chubby.
He shot at the kids and then he farted in my pool bag.
And I had my lunch in there, Earl.
He threw Mr.
Turtle on the trampoline.
Mr.
turtle can't do anything on the trampoline.
He was scared out of his mind.
I miss my tail.
Well, you're the ones who said I should help him.
We said you needed to fix him, not turn him into a damn monster.
And when I left tonight, he was forcing two truckers to lap dance each other.
It's getting dangerous down there, I'm quitting.
Oh, hell no, you're not.
If you quit, Little Chubby will pull my bail bond, and I ain't trying to go to prison just because you're afraid of getting murdered at work.
Earl, you better fix this.
Fine, I'll talk to him.
Were those truckers good dancers like me, or did they just phone it in ? Little Chubby ? Hey, Earl.
Okay, beat it, broads, come on.
What's shaking ? Well, uh Well, I-- I'm just here 'cause the gang asked me to come by and say hello and Ah, that's funny.
That's The Three Stooges.
Yeah, they're good.
Listen, Little Chubby.
I got to be honest with you.
You're kind of becoming a mean guy again.
Mean guy ? I don't understand.
See that ? Well, kind of like that.
I mean, that's something your dad would have done.
For God's sake, you've got one of his guns in your pants, and nobody knows if it's loaded with vodka or bullets.
- It's bullets.
- Bullets.
- Sure.
- See ? Well, you're right, Earl.
What's happened to me ? I'm becoming becoming a jerk.
I treat the girls bad.
I take shots at kids.
I'm gonna have a drink.
You want one ? Sure.
I got to say, this is the third time I've had to come into your club and have to tell you something really awkward, but, hey, every time, it turns out That wasn't the Stooges.
That was The Fall Guy.
Oh, man, that was a weird dream.
I was being hung up in the back of a Oh, my God ! Hey, pally, how they hanging ? - What are you doing ? - A little thing called payback.
You may know it as a great Mel Gibson movie, but it's also a synonym for revenge.
Are you crazy ? No, you explode my marble pouch and I explode yours.
- Let me just adjust this.
- No, no, no, no, no ! What happened to being a good person ? What about God, it hurts, but I'm glad it's not my clackers.
Well, that one was a little high.
I'll just adjust it here and You're going to be bummed out about this one, I think.
Please, can we, can we talk about this ? You were happy being nice.
You said you didn't want to die being hated and alone like your dad.
Well, that was back when my sack was destroyed.
Now I'm all man.
I saved you.
Look, I know there's a good person in there.
You're not just your dad's son, you're your mom's son, too.
Look, you're part her, you are, but her part is being overwhelmed by your dad's freaky hormone part.
Look, I understand what you're saying there, Earl, but what can I tell you ? I'm a Chubby : it's my destiny ; it's in my blood.
I knew he wasn't going to bunt those balls away from mine forever.
I needed to say something, anything.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now And this bird you cannot change I heard of people singing for their supper, and I guess you might say I was singing for my meat and potatoes, too.
Lord, I can't change Little Chubby, pick up the bat.
Please, pick up the bat.
All I could do was hold my breath, cringe and wait to get rapped by karma's baseball.
And then, Little Chubby did something I never thought I'd see a man do.
He stood between me and karma.
He didn't do it to protect me.
He did it to protect himself from himself.
And like someone who can't handle their liquor, Little Chubby realized he couldn't handle his testosterone.
- So he went cold turkey.
- Thanks, Earl.
I can't say I completely understood why Little Chubby did what he did, but, well, it made sense to him, and that was good enough for me.
The thing, Earl, is that in my life I've been feared and I've been loved, and I like being loved a whole lot better.
Little Chubby ! Thank you for everything.
I never had a health plan before.
I have 12 cavities.
So you have no regrets ? Well, looking back, I probably would have gone the surgical route, but you mentioned my mother and I got carried away.
But the doctors say I should be walking again in about a year or so.
It's all good.
As crazy as it all was, it also kind of made me realize something.
Sometimes happiness is about giving up something precious to get something better.
And it made me wonder : would I do the same ? What would I sacrifice to be loved ? Not my balls.