Raising Hope s02e20 Episode Script

or it'll be your fault if I drunk-dial my A.
A.
sponsor again.
I'll be right there.
Hello! Jimmy, what are you doing here? It's girls' night in.
This is me and Sabrina time, not you and Sabrina time.
I know.
I'm just wondering if you have any freezer space available.
Power's out at the gas station.
So they're giving away all the ice before it melts.
Which is stupid because they could just wait and sell it as water.
Did you guys redecorate? Yeah, I got stuck on a plane for seven hours last month.
Went a little crazy with the Sky Store catalog.
Pizza clock! I hate clocks, but I love pizza! That thing's blowing my mind.
After we drink those margarita Jimmy.
Virginia.
I didn't know you guys got 3-D TV.
No, I didn't.
Those are my glasses.
Wait, you wear glasses? Wait, is this the first time you've seen me clearly? I just usually wear contacts.
They're huge.
They're like orthopedic shoes for your face.
Yeah, well, they're just the only frames that are big enough to support the weight of lenses that thick.
They're actually my grandpa's.
They saved his life in the war.
Apparently, the Japanese thought he was too ridiculous-looking to be a threat.
Why are you afraid for me to see your glasses? I mean, you wear them in front of Shelley.
Well, I don't want Shelley to be attracted to me.
Then you shouldn't be wearing such sexy pajamas, slut.
Those margaritas are very strong.
It's not really a big deal.
I mean, I can see fine without them.
My little Hopey! Cold! Hope! Sabrina, you got to come out here and look at this bee that chased me.
I swear it's the same bee that chased me yesterday and the day before that.
Okay, I'll be right out.
We're just finishing up our study group.
I know you said all bees look alike, but I recognize this guy 'cause of his huge stinger.
At least, I think it's his stinger.
Jimmy, this is Philip.
Philip, this is my boyfriend, Jimmy.
Jimmy the boyfriend.
Thanks for letting me borrow Sabrina.
We got some good cramming in there.
Excuse me? So, yeah, I'll see you at class tomorrow.
I'll be the one sleeping.
She'll be sleeping in class 'cause she's bored.
I get jokes.
I noticed, uh, you guys were studying in your bedroom.
Lot of seats out here in the living room.
In the bedroom, just one bed.
Yeah, it's just more practical for us in there, because on our study breaks, we like to have hot, sweaty sex.
That's funny.
I just thought you had a study group and not a study "handsome-guy- with-a-fancy-messenger-bag.
" God.
You're not going to be all weird about this stuff like Wyatt was.
Or show me your Q-tips after you swab your ears.
That's another thing he was weird about.
That's actually me.
I do the Q-tip thing.
Yeah, I know.
I just thought that'd be a good way to tell you to stop.
Maybe I'm being crazy.
Maybe Sabrina and him are just friends.
No way.
Men and women cannot be just friends.
Ashton Kutcher proved that in, like, five different movies last year.
This guy's trying to steal your girl, Jimmy.
We already helped you steal her from one guy who was way more attractive than you.
We're never gonna be able to do that again.
Well, how do you know he's more attractive than me? You haven't seen him.
I'm guessing if he was short and fat, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
All right, I'm gonna go and talk to Philip and tell him if he doesn't stay away from Sabrina, I'll help him get his B.
A.
And by that, I mean "busted ass.
" That's pretty good.
Thanks.
I've been working on it since this morning.
If he was going for his B.
S.
, I'd say "busted stomach.
" You got lucked out with the B.
A.
, Jimmy Let's just leave it at that.
It's risky.
If Sabrina finds out you went over there, she's gonna think you're crazy.
We need to come up with a plan that'll get us hard evidence to prove it to her.
Or we could just give up.
I mean, haven't we put enough time into this stupid relationship? I'm just getting a little tired of it.
I'm sure it's a great plan; I just don't get how it works.
That's why I set up this demonstration.
what you doing, Jimmy? You were in there kind of a long time.
Yep, just, uh, getting ready to head over to Sabrina's.
Cool.
I hope you didn't use my razor to shave your privates.
What? I didn't shave anything.
What, uh, what makes you think that? Because Sabrina texted you and said, "Come over", and I want you smooth as a baby seal.
" How did you know what Sabrina texted me? Because Sabrina didn't text you.
I did! I went into your phone and put my number under Sabrina's name.
So now when I text you, it looks like Sabrina texted you.
Why? Why? Why would you do that? Because that's how we're going to prove that Philip wants to do more than study.
Now I get how it works.
Kind of.
I'm getting a text.
From you.
It's a picture.
My God! I should've seen that coming.
Looky there.
Like a cute little baby seal.
I want a baby seal! Guys, come into the living room; I want to show you something.
Jimmy, we're right in the middle of Okay, I mean, if you think that's more important than hearing Hope say "Sabrina.
" What?! Now aren't you glad you didn't marry a doctor? Try doing that with a tongue depressor and a stethoscope.
Jimmy could take a lesson from this guy.
Look how many times he calls his mother.
To be fair, he probably doesn't live with his mother.
Okay, okay, okay.
You can do it.
You can do it.
"Sabrina.
" I'm telling you, said it clear as a bell ten minutes ago.
Can you say it? Please? Please, please, please? Ca-caw, ca-caw! Come on, I really want to be the first fake aunt whose name you say.
Shelley.
Son of a bitch! Would you please stop reading me and Sabrina's texts? Burt, check this one out.
"You stop texting first.
" "No, you stop texting first.
" "No, you stop texting first.
" Whoever invented texting must be very proud.
So who stopped texting first?! We need to make sure our fake texts to Philip sound like Sabrina, you know, young and hip.
Is it "off the hook" and "on the chain" or "off the chain" and "on the hook"? It's not any of those things.
Just make sure the text gets his attention but doesn't sound too flirty.
We need him to make the first move.
What if we tell him he's "the bomb"? I feel like that's making a comeback.
Don't ask me.
Ever since that UPN went off the air, I've had trouble learning new phrases.
I got it.
Careful, Virginia.
You don't want to seem wiggidy-wiggidy-wack.
What are you typing? Don't send it until I Too late.
Baby, your study partner just sent you a text that says, "What's crackalackin P-lip.
" Your study partner a black man from the '90s? I think she's just messing around.
Tell her I'm jumping in the shower.
"Jumping in the shower.
Call you later.
" That doesn't sound flirty.
Well, not if you say it like that.
But what if he texted it like, "Jumping in the shower.
Call you later.
" Yeah, that does sound flirty.
So, what would Sabrina say if you texted her, "I'm jumping in the shower"? She'd say, "No jumping in the shower," with a winky face.
And then I'd type back "LOL," even though I'd barely "L," and it definitely wouldn't be "O.
L.
" Let's try it.
"You seem" "very interested in what's going on in my shower.
" I knew it.
I knew he's into her! "You seem very filthy.
"Maybe you would get clean faster with four hands.
" Bitch.
I hate this guy.
Him? What about Sabrina? She's the one you should be mad at! Burt, we're Sabrina.
I don't know what you're so upset about.
We're getting all the proof we need.
Now, later tonight, very calmly and rationally, without starting a fight, you tell Sabrina what this guy's up to and get rid of him, once and for all.
Wait.
Now he's saying something.
"Your idea sounds better than showering alone.
Don't go anywhere.
Coming over now.
" He's going to Sabrina's? No, no, no! It's too fast! She's not supposed to find out this way! "No, do not come over! Whatever you do, do not come over!" Where's the explanation point on this thing?! He's not responding! This is bad.
This is bad.
God! Get down from there, you tiny home wrecker! This is very terrifying and confusing! Who are you? I'm Philip's fiancée.
Where is he? Come out, Philip! And face me and my mom and my dad like a real man! Philip he's still in the shower.
Showering up? I guess we're too late.
He did in 15 minutes what took you a year and a half.
Wait, wait! Look, I saw the texts.
Uma, there is obviously nothing going on with her and I.
I mean, she's not blond, she's very short.
I speak a little bit of French, okay? Sabrina, I'm sorry if I misled you.
I-I just came over here to study.
Look, I'm very confused right now, okay? Confused? You texted that you'd like to wash my fiancé's hard-to-reach places.
What?! I didn't write this.
I may have an explanation for everything.
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts Sorry.
I see a button, I push a button.
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head Give them a twist So you see? It was all a big misunderstanding.
I take most of the blame, of course, but, uh, I mean, Philip, you got to put a pass code on your cell phone, man.
All this ugliness could've been avoided.
Again, I'm sorry that my boyfriend and his family are insane.
That's why we need cable.
We'd be happily entertained at home and wouldn't get into these high jinks.
By the way, are these for sale? - No.
- Don't worry.
I know what it's like when your boyfriend has crazy parents.
Philip's parents have Rapture insurance.
Yeah.
That's not so weird.
If you're going to get left behind, you're going to need some extra cash to get you through tribulation.
Again, I apologize for chasing you up on your fridge, but I do have to say you have the agility of a squirrel.
Thanks.
Listen, I completely understand.
And apology accepted.
Plus, I didn't realize how badly I needed to dust up there.
What were you thinking? I mean, what the hell was that? You guys snuck in through my window? No.
No, no.
We used a pool skimmer, and we stayed outside.
I really think you should mostly be mad at Jimmy.
I can give you five bucks for this right now cash.
- No.
- Look, Sabrina, I am so sorry.
I should have trusted you, but my mom got involved, and then this whole thing, it-it just spun out of control.
We don't have very active social lives.
Ten dollars.
Sabrina, you're good at this.
Burt, we don't want those stupid boobs in our house.
Okay, Jimmy, you know what, we got to talk about this later, but I just I'm done for the night.
Okay, I'm going to try the Price is Right strategy.
- I bid one dollar.
- Just take them! What are you doing? I'm making an apology card for Sabrina.
Drawing some animals and flowers that she really likes.
Plus I'm putting my scent on it because I always get compliments on that.
whoa, stop.
Just do one corner one corner.
I want this card to be from all of us.
Here.
Put this down for me.
I'm going to go cut some of the neighbor's flowers.
Of course, if I get caught, we'll have to make an apology card for them, too.
You're not putting those in here.
I can't hang it in the bedroom.
I'll never get any sleep.
Dance, boobies.
They're tacky.
I like them.
You're the only one.
Vali.
What is this thing I see through the window on your wall? I love it.
See? Our neighbor, the genie, likes it.
I'm glad you like it, Vali.
Watch this.
The song is about coconuts, which is another word for boobs! What the hell was I thinking bringing flowers? Do you not knock? No, I do, but I was being chased.
Was it a yellow jacket about this big? You know him? Yeah.
Things used to be bad between us, but then we came to an understanding.
You're early.
Almost done studying.
You want to hang out for a minute? Where's Philip? Wait.
Did he not come because of me? No, no, no, no.
No, he was driving me crazy.
The guy's a French major, so everything we learned had to be repeated back in French.
So, c'est la vie.
La vie.
So what's the new guy like? By the way, are there any girls in your class or? God.
Really? Are you jealous again? You know, I could start studying with women, but then you'd just start worrying I'd be hooking up with them.
I could live with that.
What's up, brother? Nothing much, cuz.
Who are you? I'm Sabrina's boyfriend.
Really? What are you, super rich or something? No.
Why? No reason.
It's hot in here.
- No, it isn't.
- Yeah, it is.
They're just studying, Jimmy.
You got to stop letting your imagination go crazy.
You know what I did every day in the men's room before work while thinking about Sabrina? - Yes.
- Push-ups.
Then no.
And the only reason men do push-ups is to have their arms look big for women.
But I can't say anything to Sabrina because I already spent my jealousy card on the whole Philip thing.
Soap.
I think we're out.
Don't worry.
The best thing about living with Sabrina is she has backups of everything.
Just look under the sink.
My God.
Sabrina's got two of everything.
Soaps, spices, dust buster.
She's even got two boxes of rubber gloves.
That's weird.
The only other person I've ever known with that many rubber gloves is my vagina-cologist.
It all got me thinking.
What if she does the same thing with guys? She always has a backup.
I was her backup with Wyatt.
Philip was her backup with me.
But he wasn't into her, so she dropped him for Randy.
I need more batteries for my not so tiny dancers.
Of course you need batteries.
You've been playing that for hours.
You're going to wear them out.
I know.
I've been there.
I don't even think she realizes it.
It's one of those unconscious things where she needs guys to want her.
That's why she looks so hot when she studies.
Man! This thing takes double D's! You guys just keep on giving.
How do I explain to Sabrina that this guy is just another backup? I'll seem crazy again.
Well, we need to find proof.
She can't call you crazy if we have proof.
Right.
Right.
We're going to need a plan.
Right.
And there's a good chance we're going to have to steal some apology flowers for afterwards.
Probably.
What the heck? Jimmy, that's not water.
That's my contact solution.
You you drank my contacts.
No way.
Did I? God.
That's classic Jimmy.
But it's a good thing you have your glasses as a backup, though.
Well, yeah, but I'm supposed to study with Randy today.
Well, you can do that in glasses.
I mean, it's studying, not a fashion show.
It doesn't matter how you look.
Right? Right.
I Sorry to bug you, but It's okay.
I get it.
Now do you see all the joy these things bring, Virginia? And you wanted to take them down.
I have to admit, they are kind of growing on me.
I wish they would.
No more beer for you, Vali.
And it's nice being popular in the neighborhood for once.
I guess it's not too Burt.
What have you taught her? Gentlemen, go home.
Go home and tell your wives and daughters you're sorry.
I think your study partner's here.
Tell Randy I'll be out in a second.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
Get these fun, bouncy boobs away from me.
But I thought that you I got to keep Hope off the pole.
And she's not watching Toddlers and Tiaras any more, either.
Randy.
Hi.
Yes.
Randy.
Sit down, and don't say anything 'cause it is time to study, not chitchat.
Maybe you should put on your glasses.
That's okay.
I'm fine.
Randy can do the reading.
You don't mind, do you, Randy? Yeah, yeah, dude.
Whatever, dude.
See, Jimmy? We're fine.
This is ridiculous.
Just admit it.
You only don't want to wear glasses because you want Randy to think you're hot.
Jimmy, we're not going to do this in front of Randy, okay? That's not Randy.
That's my dad.
What are you doing here? I was hoping to trade the boobs in for something else.
I'll take those hilarious novelty glasses.
Dad, we're kind of in the middle of something.
Can you just? Okay, I'll just browse around.
Don't take my pizza clock.
Sabrina.
You know how you've got that weird thing of keeping backups for toothpaste and soaps and stuff? That's not that weird.
Okay.
Well, I think you might be keeping backup boyfriends, and that is kind of weird.
- What? - You only liked having Philip around because you thought he was into you, and once you found out that he wasn't, you moved on to Randy.
No.
That was just because he didn't insist on speaking French.
No, it was because he's he was obviously attracted to you, and you wanted him to be.
Otherwise, why would you be stumbling around like Helen Keller with no glasses? My God.
My God, Jimmy, you're right.
All this time, I just thought you were acting crazy, but that God, why do I do that? Virginia says it's 'cause you were raised rich and greedy.
Could you just find a knickknack and get out? You know, he didn't talk to his parents like this till he met you.
Parents.
I bet I do it because of my parents.
Look, when I was six, my dad left my mother for absolutely no reason.
And my mom would have been devastated had she not been sleeping with her tennis coach.
I think I do it to protect myself.
I keep backups to protect myself.
If you need backups to feel secure, keep them, because I know that none of them is as good for you as I am, so I know you're not leaving me.
Eventually, you're going to realize that and decide that you don't need backups any more.
You know why? I think you'll realize it right now.
- Sorry.
- What? I just can't get out with Mr.
Maggoo.
I can't see anything, so I hope you'll don't get mad if I'll call you Phillip.