Scrubs s02e20 Episode Script

Ican't believe you're bitching.
I asked you to look after him for an hour three days a week.
Do you know how much I need a massage? Are you getting all sore around that hump where your tail used to be? When Gustave promises me something will feel great and last an hour, he doesn't end up five minutes later, thinking he made me see God.
So not Gustave.
Busy doctor.
I think Dr Cox would be willing to help if he knew it was his baby.
What do you say, Stephanie? You step up to the plate and tell the guy.
I'm only three weeks old and already I've got more stones than you do.
- One of mine hasn't even dropped yet.
- It's not my place to tell.
Newbie, I know that your ovaries are absolutely tingling at the furry sight of this little fellow, but you gotta snap out of it.
I gotta get to that funeral.
Raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife.
Her husband was in a coma so long, she forgot what an attractive male looked like.
Enter Errol Flynn, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her.
Since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off.
If you have trouble getting the baby to sleep, just tell him that story.
Well, I'm gonna get going.
No one else will bust my chops about the funeral.
Around here, you tend to get wrapped up in your own world.
Whether trying to plan your day Should I take a dookie before or after I lift weights? Adter.
or trying to live out your deepest fantasies Damn it, don't you die on me.
Clear.
Maybe you're breaking in your new Italian shoes Those shoes look a little small.
.
.
or break down the spirit of your whipping boy.
What do you know about appearances, T ed? - Have you looked in the mirror? - Not lately.
But when I do, it's reflection perfection.
One way or another, everyone makes it all about themselves.
I gotta fix my own copy machine.
Maintenance man says he has more important things.
Isn't he fixing the heat in Paediatrics? Whatever.
No matter what Dr Cox thinks, I wasn't going to that funeral to hit on Jamie.
I was going to pay my respects.
JD, I'm so happy you came.
You look fantastic.
And, you know, I don't mean, "Hey, dude, check out that hot biddy at the bar" fantastic.
"I'm sorry for your loss" fantastic.
- Do you wanna grab a drink? - Let's get the hell outta here.
I was actually talking about him.
Oh, yeah, I know.
So was l.
No, order.
He's bussing those.
Somebody's a smoker.
Look at my baby sleep.
Isn't he an angel? I wonder what's going on in that shiny head of his.
This will only hurt a little.
OK.
Thanks again for coming.
Just get out without doing any more damage.
I had a blast.
Nice job.
- Goodbye.
- I'll see you.
I'm sorry, everyone.
I dropped something on my toe.
You know.
Carry on.
She's probably feeling awful so say something reassuring.
- You're going to hell.
- JD, we've been over this.
I loved my husband, but he's been dead to me for two years.
I can't tell you how happy I am to finally have some closure and my first orgasm in like, forever.
You know, Jamie, there are a lot of ways to grieve.
Last time I checked, wheelbarrow style wasn't one of them.
I am OK, JD.
- I'm seeing things clearly.
- You're confused.
- I'm happy.
- You're sad.
- I'm at peace.
- You're at war.
I think it's really cute that you're worried about me.
But when am I gonna see you again? I will see you at home in about an hour.
Remember, keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every 1 5 minutes, no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot, and, Perry, you're the only one I have to say this to.
Do not yell at, demean, insult, criticise, humiliate, or mock the baby.
What are you talking about? - Have you named this thing yet? - I'm naming him after my father.
- Tax Evader? - Quinn.
How about a heterosexual name, like Jack? You're right, Percival.
Quinn is a foofy name.
Skip Jack altogether and go with whatever you think.
Whatever makes you comfortable.
Jack, Jack, Jack Nothing, huh? My God, this is so boring.
- Turk.
- Yeah? Between my list of family and friends and yours, we have 400 people coming to this wedding.
How can we cut this down? Whose list did I end up on, yours or Turk's? - Mine.
- Let me see.
- Nope.
Gotta go.
- What's her problem? I'm wondering if my prescription deodorant isn't working.
Not for the odour, for the wetness.
See? Don't touch me.
I must stop touching my pits and rubbing them on people.
Yes.
Still, it's not that.
I sort of had a sex dream about you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Was I the girl? - Yeah, you were the girl.
Can you just do me a favour? Don't tell Carla about this.
She'll just get all jealous and disgusted.
But we haven't done anything for her to be disgusted by.
Oh, yeah, we did.
I'm gonna try not to call Jamie.
I know she shouldn't be in a relationship yet.
Still there were a lot of questions.
Was she going to be OK? Did I leave my underwear at the funeral? And how did I end up in the middle of nowhere without realising I've never had to pee this badly in my life? Oh, my God.
You saw the janitor's window crank, and think you may have seen a little melanoma on there? Then it's your obligation as a doctor, and your privilege as a woman, to go back and ask him if you can't see it again.
I'd love to help, but I'm baby-sitting the only other being on God's earth who's needier than you.
Now, in the meantime, I need you to tell Mr Mueller that his liver has lesions on it and it doesn't look good.
Unfortunately, Mr Mueller doesn't speak a word of English.
Hi, Mr Mueller.
Danke.
- What's he danke-ing you for? - I don't know.
This is so frustrating.
I wish there was some way we could connect.
Nah, that'd never work.
There's my boys.
Has it been an hour already? I know.
Sometimes I get lost just looking at his face.
I can't do this tomorrow.
Kelso's got me doing a cardiology lecture.
Don't worry about it.
It's just tough to miss precious moments like this.
- Hey, baby.
- So how's it work? You get to fantasise about vanilla wafer and I get whatever "Hey, baby" you throw my way? Forget it.
- What the hell, Elliot? - It slipped out.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry's not good enough.
- You're right.
Harder, dammit.
I've been bad.
Dr Turk.
- Do you have a question? - No, sir.
The Todd will close.
I'm freaking out.
I can't stop having sex dreams about Elliot.
All done.
Continue.
Every time I close my eyes, she's doing something kinky.
Very, very kinky.
This is perfect.
In here I can accidentally see his wiener and then give him medical advice.
Just be subtle.
Can I take your order? - How come you're not unzipped? - Cos I'm not peeing.
This is where I come for my breaks.
If I stand out there, everyone tells me to do stuff.
Look Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you.
I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma you should have checked out.
- When did you see my penis? - When you were showering.
- Where were you? - Outside in the bushes.
It was just a coincidence.
If you'd looked outside you'd have seen my penis.
What? Why? Because I had it out while I looked at yours.
OK, regroup.
You must be Dr Dorian.
I am Rolf's brother, Hermann.
Hermann the German.
You must get that all the time.
No, first time.
Let's hope it catches on.
Well, I could really use your help translating.
Oh, sure.
I got the results back from your biopsy.
The lesions in your liver are consistent with metastatic pancreatic cancer.
- What is the prognosis? - It's not good.
The key to any good relationship is communication.
Hi, baby.
If you're not open with someone it'll catch up with you.
Weird.
I could swear that while I was in surgery, I heard you describe sexy dreams about someone named Elliot.
- Come on, get him.
- Up.
If you're not honest, you'll get busted.
So, to summarise, if this basketball was a non-ST elevation myocardial infarction, glyco-protein 2B-3A inhibitors would be initiated early on.
- You buying this? - No.
Can I see that? But what do I know? Two days ago, I had funeral sex.
I met your patient, Mr Mueller.
We had a nice chat.
- You speak German? - I can do a sweet little milkmaid.
I can do an evil old hausfrau.
German's such a beautiful language.
I think Mr Mueller's so amazing.
Yesterday I pretty much told him he was gonna die.
And his brother turned to him and he said - Mr Mueller just accepted it.
- Why wouldn't he? means, you're gonna be fine.
Germans.
Tell me he said, "My brother told me the truth, I'm dealing with it.
" He said, "When I get home, I'm eating a chocolate cake.
" Why did you lie to your brother about his condition? You talk too fast.
He didn't want to upset his brother.
Lying isn't gonna make his brother any better.
We got Mr Mueller's ultrasound back.
His biliary obstruction's relieved, he's taking PO.
That's good, yes? I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget.
That's a job for the accounting department.
I'm an attorney.
Speaking of crunching, I'm jonesing for some Double Stuff Oreos all day.
See if you can't hook me up.
Now Mr Mueller is doing so much better, I'm not sure if telling him the truth is even the best thing for him.
What you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem, but you'd like to make it my problem? But, here's the problem, Newbie, it's not my problem.
So let's stop talking about the janitor's junk? I'd like to hear nussing about ze German and don't even mention Tasty Coma Wife, even though she's on your mind.
- No, she's not.
- Yes, I am.
Since we are sharing, I have to go and face Jordan and tell her I didn't ditch her hatchling on account of being lazy.
Whenever I'm alone with that child, you know what I feel? Nothing.
What do you say, you wanna trade your big problems for mine? - No, thanks.
- It was worth a try.
What was that about? You're right, I'm sorry.
I've been working really hard on not being such a busybody.
So tell me, was she a good kisser? Excuse me.
If you're having dreams about another woman, maybe you're not ready for marriage.
- Baby.
- Just take it.
Are you crazy? Baby, it was only a sex dream.
Everybody has them.
- Right, Ted? - No, not me.
I just have the one dream over and over.
I hold his head under the water till the last bubble goes bloop.
Ted.
What's the ETA on those Double Stuffs? Bloop.
OK, I still wanna refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign to me.
Benign, benign-and-a-half.
Then he said something I didn't expect.
- I don't like you.
- Not that.
I expected that.
I know this was uncomfortable and I appreciate your concern.
I'm a doctor.
I had to tell you what was going on.
Don't touch me with those hands.
- This is awkward.
- Elliot.
Could you be quiet, please? OK, but you could just fall asleep then I might just creep into your head and rock your world.
Elliot, you don't get it, do you? Since I met Carla, I haven't dreamt about another woman.
Turk, you're engaged.
I mean, it's a huge commitment.
It's totally natural to feel trapped, or uncertain, maybe even a little scared.
Really? Sorry.
- Baby? - Yeah.
Have you dreamt of anyone since we got engaged? No, baby, but I understand.
Come here.
Let me give you something to dream about.
See if you can find my tattoo.
- Hey, Jordan.
- You know, it's funny.
I can't even be pissed and want you to die screaming in agony as horses pull you apart when I'm looking at this beautiful face.
Jordan, I gotta tell you something.
You know, I love my dad, but he just doesn't look like a Quinn.
Maybe cos he's not drunk and yelling at your mother.
What are you? A Kevin? A Billy? Jack? All right.
Jack it is.
What the hell.
All right.
You take him.
- What did you wanna tell me? - Nothing.
He wants to know why his brother lied.
I guess he was trying to protect you.
Or he thought he was protecting you, but he was really protecting himself.
I forget what protect is.
You used it five times.
Just like my brother.
Always thinks he knows what's best for me.
It's funny how one person leads you to another.
I knew Mr Mueller's brother shouldn't try to protect him and yet I was doing the same thing to someone else.
- Excuse me.
Jamie.
- JD? A patient was mad at his brother for presuming to know what was best, and that got me thinking.
I was freaking out that we hooked up at the funeral.
I did the same thing to you.
If you're really ready, let's go for it.
I'm crazy about you.
You're right, your husband's gone, and he's never coming back.
- Who are these lovely people? - These are my late husband's parents.
Oh, God, how can I make this right? If only.