That '70s Show s02e20 Episode Script

Hey, Mr.
Bonkers! You naughty kitty! I’ll be right home, keep my bed warm, okay? Hey, keep your paws to yourself! That’s my girlfriend.
So what was your favorite part of the movie? Uh, my favorite part of the movie was when we made out.
- Yeah.
Movies are fun.
- Yeah.
Goodnight.
You know, it’s amazing how you always manage to pull the car right up to the garage, but not actually in to it.
Yep.
Takes a keen eye, and a sure foot.
How would you like your keen eye to watch my sure foot kick your smart ass? Why don’t I pull the car in? What the…? You’re moving it a foot, and you hit something! Oh, god, no! It’s… it’s Mr.
Bonkers! Wow, that is one dead cat.
If I was stranded on a desert island with only one form of cheese… no question, it would have to be the puff.
You know who’s my little cheese puff? Jackie! Oh, Michael, you’re so cute! You’re cute! Cuter! Cutest! All right, all right! You guys gotta shut up before I blow cheese puff chunks.
All right Michael, I’ll see you tonight at eight.
Okay.
I’ll be counting the minutes.
Can’t you just use a clock? Man, we’re so back in love! I remember when it was all… “You’re an idiot, Michael”, and, “Whoa, what’d I do?” Good times.
Sorry man, but I love her.
Yes, but you don’t deserve her, you son of a bitch.
No…what? I said…uh, good cheese puffs, you son of a bitch.
Hey, Kelso.
I thought we’d get together tonight, so, take a shower, okay? But Laurie, I’m, I’m seeing Jackie tonight.
Oh, that’s so sweet! Uh, no.
I’ll see you at eight.
But, but… You heard me! Damn! My second girlfriend is such a drag.
This is bad, man.
Yes.
But only for you.
Cheese puff? That’s pretty good, Mr.
Clean.
Ha! Ha ha! Well, you know me! I’m…super neat! Hey, you know, I can’t find Mr.
Bonkers anywhere.
Have you seen him? No! Uh, I mean…well…yeah, not since last night.
Huh, well… Meow, meow, meow, meow, KILLED, meow, meow.
What?!? I said it’s weird! He always sleeps with me but he never came home last night.
Lemme know if you see him, okay? Oh, sure thing! Will do.
Mr.
Bonkers! Yeah, I’m going to hell.
You didn’t tell her? I felt so guilty, I just…I couldn’t.
Is it because you’re kinda glad it’s dead? No.
Hey, maybe I don’t have to tell her.
Maybe she’ll just think Mr.
Bonkers ran away.
- That works.
That’s what we told you when, um— - Shhh! What? Eric, honey, eat your pizza rolls.
Oh, come on.
How hard can this be? You go over there, and you say, hey.
I’m a cat killer.
I mur— I murdered your cat.
But you try to say it with a straight face.
What? Am I the only one that sees the humor in this? I think you might be, Red.
Oh, come on, that thing was always messing in my yard, going through our garbage… Now we have Hyde for that.
Oh, yeah, Laurie, and what exactly do you do? Oh! That’s right.
The Packers! Excuse me, dilemma here? Eric, this is not a dilemma.
You have to tell Donna.
Just be gentle and, and maybe take her a nice little gift.
Yeah, like a kitty sized head stone.
You know what? I should have known you were lying.
Sure, Flipper was fast, but…turtles don’t just run away.
Hyde? Which one’s your favorite Charlie’s Angel? I kinda like the blonde with the huge rack.
Yes.
And she distracts the criminals with her huge rack.
Heh.
- Plus she’s got that huge rack.
- Yeah.
Ow, my stomach.
My cheesy puffy friends have become my enemy.
Man, you guys, I gotta break up with Laurie.
Kelso, remember how you said you were gonna juggle ‘em both ‘til it blew up in your face? Yeah.
Well…kablooie! Okay, I know I tried before, right? But this time, Laurie’ll see how much I love Jackie, and that my motives are good and pure.
And then she’ll just let me go Then you and all the leprechauns can ride unicorns to a wonderful celebration in fairy land! Look! The angels are running in slow motion! Damn! That’s just good TV.
Hey, beautiful! How’s it going? Oh, pretty good.
Except I found this here kitten who told me he was looking for someone to love him.
Oh my god! Oh, he’s so cute! Thank you Eric, that’s so sweet! Well, I hope Mr.
Bonkers doesn’t get jealous! Hi! Yea, I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Donna, because… I accidentally killed Mr.
Bonkers.
So! What are you gonna name this little fella here? What? What are you talking about? I’ve had that cat since I was three! What happened? Well, last night, I was…pulling in the car after our date… After our date? Last night? Eric, I was looking for him and I asked you.
And you said you hadn’t seen him.
And you knew I was worried sick about him! I know, Donna! That’s why it was so hard to tell you.
Hey there, ho there, hi there.
What’s going on? Why don’t you ask the man who murdered our cat? No! No! That’s not, I didn’t murder your cat! It was… he climbed under my car.
It was a total accident.
Well I should hope so, because what did he ever do to you? I don’t wanna live with this lying anymore.
Because I only love Jackie.
Okay.
So, do you wanna go up to my room and have sex? Uh….
sure! No, wait! No! No! Okay, I…this…Laurie, I…I’m serious.
We’re over.
Wow.
I think you really mean it.
I totally do.
Okay, Kelso, you’re free! You know what I’d like, though? Just one last goodbye kiss.
Um…okay, well sure.
Michael! Jackie! We were… No, there was… Wow, how ironic, huh? Eric, I just saw Michael kissing your sister.
Okay, he’s a rat! He’s been cheating on me! What? Well, surely there must be some kind of mistake! Right, guys? Come on! Well it sure is a mind blower! So that’s it! Michael and I are over! Really? And by over you mean… I mean over and done! All right, forever! Uh-huh.
Now by forever you mean… And after everything I put up with, I mean, god.
Him taking Pam Macy to the prom, setting my house on fire, lying about Laurie, god! To be fair, that’s only the stuff you know about.
This is incredible.
My time has come! Today, I will make Jackie mine! Ai! Hey, what’s wrong? I don’t know! I think my guts are bursting with love! So, Fez, my mom says your appendix has to come out.
Man, you must be in tons of pain.
Wheeeeeeeeeee! Cheese puffs out, pain pills in.
Fez loves his pills.
Boy, I wish there was a pill I could take.
Get rid of my pain.
Forget about Jackie pill.
Hell, if they made that pill, I’d take it.
Kelso man, this is what you get for trying to do the right thing.
Want to know a secret? I’m not wearing anything under my dress.
Look! Whoa! Put that away! Yeah, man, it just sucks when you try to do the right thing.
And then she yells at you for killing her cat.
Eric, you don’t know how lucky you are.
I’d give anything to be able to tell Jackie I killed her cat.
Nothing’s sadder than when two people break up.
Except this time when it’s funny! By the way, Eric, if your mom ever says, ready for your catheter, the answer is no.
Donna, we’re supposed to be friends.
Would it have killed you to say, I know you love him, but Michael’s a jerk? Jackie, I think my exact words were, I know you love him, but Michael’s a jerk.
So…have you seen Kelso since… No.
He’s a liar, and a cheater.
Maybe that’s how all guys are.
I know how you feel.
Like, it’s bad enough what Eric did to Mr.
Bonkers, then he lied to me.
Yeah.
Eric put off telling you something because he didn’t wanna hurt you.
Whoo! That is so much worse that cheating on you with another woman.
Oh, wait.
No it’s not! Oh.
Wow.
I guess Eric was just trying to be nice.
Maybe I’m overreacting.
Look.
Lemme tell you something, Donna.
Until goody-goody Eric cheats on you with your stupid dead cat, I suggest you shut up.
God, I miss Jackie.
I KNOW!! Well, you’re in luck, Fez! The bars closed early today, so we found a doctor to do your surgery! Oh, good.
I see they’ve already shaved you.
Actually, I did that myself.
Lucky coincidence, huh? Okay, then.
Time for sleepy-sleepy.
Okay, now count back from one hundred.
One hundred…ninety-nine… …twenty-seven… Fez voice over: Once upon a time there were three little girls who went to the police academy.
Now they were police.
My name is Fez.
Stand back.
And remember, girls, this one’s for Fez.
This is your unlucky day now that Fez’s angels are here.
Don’t move.
I’m gonna blow up Fez headquarters.
I can’t bear to see any of you with such a…handsome foreign sex machine.
This is gonna be a blast.
Whatever.
You’re a real barrel of laughs.
Congratulations on a job well done, angels.
The girls: Thank you, Fez.
Are we going to see you soon? No, I can’t get away.
I’m in a little hot water right now.
Fez, Fez, honey! Oh, thank god you pulled through.
I was afraid you’d die before I got to tell you.
I love you! No, no, Jackie.
No sex now.
We must wait.
Until we’re married? No.
Until the catheter comes out.
Fez? Fez? Fez? Fez? I told you! No sex now! Hey there, Midge.
Kitty, uh, insisted I bring this over to show our sorrow because of your loss.
Aw, thanks, Red.
We were all sitting around reminiscing about our dear departed cat.
Mr.
Bonkers J.
Pinciotti.
Do you have a story you wanna share, Red? We’d sure appreciate it.
Seeing as how your son killed him.
Okay.
Well I remember he used to come into my yard, and uh… and uh…you know, I’d uh…throw a bucket at him or… spray him with the hose.
And he’d run away.
Then he’d come back.
I’d do it again! I guess you…you could say we kinda had our own thing.
Wow.
Okay, enjoy the casserole.
We set up a Mr.
Bonkers memorial slide show in the other room.
So.
Uh-huh.
Uh, that casserole there’s a seven layer.
Of course, uh, two of those layers are peas and I really should have told you right away about your cat, but it’s a pretty good casserole, there’s ham in it.
Look, Eric, I know you didn’t wanna hurt me, and I understand that.
It's just…we’ve gotta be honest with each other.
I mean, especially now that we’ve…you know.
We’ve…you know! ‘Cause, I just don’t wanna end up like Jackie and Kelso.
No, no, I don’t think we’re gonna end up like Jackie and Kelso.
I mean, I lie out of the goodness of my heart.
It’s still a lie, Eric.
Yeah, you’re right.
I’m sorry, Donna.
About everything.
All right, well, from now on, no more secrets.
Oh, god, then I guess I’m gonna have to come clean.
Okay, in first grade, behind your back, I used to call you Donna Pinch-my-buttie.
Well, you know Eric, that’s okay.
‘Cause I was the first one to call you Eric Foreskin.
You started that? That’s not funny.
That one stuck.
Oh, shut up Foreskin! So, really, breaking up with Michael could be the start of something great.
I am a whole new Jackie.
Really? ‘Cause you’re babbling like the old Jackie.
Jackie.
I’ve been looking for you.
Here I am.
Okay, so you two probably wanna be alone.
No, Forman! How can this not be good? Come on.
All right.
Jackie, I’ve done some terrible and stupid things.
Too many to even list.
Oh, hey, give it a shot, man.
I’ll fill in the blanks.
Hyde! All right.
But I’m done making excuses.
And all I can say is… is that I’m sorry.
And I love you.
And I will do whatever I can, every day from now on so that you know that’s true.
So will you please…please… please take me back? Oh, Michael.
No.
No, you know what? We’re through.
Forever.
Whoa, didn’t see that coming.
Fine.
So, um…that, that, that was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
And, um…and the best.
Hyde! Why does she always come to me?