The Cleveland Show s02e20 Episode Script

[GUNSHOT.]
- Hey, Dad! TIM: Oh, my eye! Will you tie my shoe like old times? In old times, they buckled their shoes.
CLEVELAND: Steady.
- Dad! [GUNSHOT.]
What? - Hi.
- Hi.
CLEVELAND: One shot one kill.
One what, Daddy? [GUNSHOT THEN GOAT BLEATS.]
Damn it, Junior! You just gave Diosanto the keys to the whole cartel! Entire villages will die.
Innocent women will be forced to wear sombreros.
And all because you couldn't give your dad some time alone.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Ah! A homeless blanket touched me! Yeah.
Toddlers and Tiaras.
Five-year-old anorexics forced to get spray tans.
Hey! I was watching whatever that was! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Give me.
Gonna break something.
Now you broke something.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I hope that's a child murderer.
Close enough.
Hey, doughboy.
I'm here for my dough.
What are you talking about, Robert? I'm here for my alimony check, which I'll take in cash.
- Here you go, Robert.
- What? Why are we giving him alimony? We're not.
I am.
It was the only way I could get him to finalize the divorce.
I never heard about this.
Oh, that's because I never told you.
Remember? Oh, yeah.
Six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred.
Heh-heh-heh.
Ex-husband.
Best job I ever had.
Well, second best.
In this experiment, we'll be testing the effects of massive amounts of high-quality marijuana on a man's ability to play video games while having sex.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
Science! [RALLO GRUNTING.]
- Give it! - Ow! I gotta booger with your wrist's name on it.
ROBERTA: Ah! Argh! Right in the bridge.
Oh, getting the watery eye.
- Water, not tears.
Natural.
- Heh-heh-heh.
Now that I'm flush I'm gonna go see what that Chevron with the Techron's all about.
- No.
No leave.
- Get your mitts off me, Romney.
You wanna keep getting this monthly 'mony money you've gotta do something for it.
And you can start by taking your kids for the day.
My kids? This is alimony, not child support.
Oh, do I really get to go with you, Dad? Can I, Dad? Can I? Dad.
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.
All right, fine.
I'll take them.
Terrific.
Roberta, you and Rallo are going With our Dad.
I heard.
You always think you're talking quieter than you are.
I'll go, but I'm keeping my ear buds in the whole time.
Wish you had mouth buds.
See, I heard that too.
Ah.
Finally.
I can hear myself think.
CLEVELAND: I wonder how the Captain and Tennille met.
I would hate to smell the inside of his hat.
Hmm.
Nice to have time for these thoughts.
Dad, will you check the toilet for monsters? I have to go the sit kind.
Daddy, please, no.
I don't wanna go with Mr.
Robert.
He's felonious.
- Need time alone.
- Whatever you're paying him, I'll double it.
- I'll miss you.
- You'll be fine.
If you don't like what you're doing, use your imagination.
Argh! Bye.
All right, they're gone.
That means we have the house all to ourselves.
- And the bedroom.
- Heh, heh.
We can do whatever we want.
CLEVELAND: Oh, yes! Consumer Reports says that toaster oven we got is the best in the price range! Hoo-dy-hoo! [BARKING AND GROWLING.]
Now, all the dogs are blindfolded, so it's a fair fight.
But if they start wilding out, we're gonna have to scram right quick.
Junior, they'll come after you first because they'll smell your salty meat sweat.
But you're big.
You can handle them.
That genie was right.
"Salty meat sweat" was a bad wish.
Oh, what a day.
Watched Eve's Bayou, long nap watched Eve's Bayou again, another nap back to the Bayou ordered in, had them bring it upstairs to the bedroom, ate it and here we are.
Fool, be quiet.
I'm trying to watch Eve's Bayou.
Eve's Bayou's on? I thought it wasn't supposed to be on HBO Urban East until midnight.
It's past midnight.
So the kids came home, right? [BOTH SCREAMING.]
- No Rallo.
- No Junior.
No Roberta.
- No clean towels.
- They're in the dryer.
Who's gonna fold them now that Junior's gone? Calm down.
I'll just call Robert.
[RINGING.]
All right, I'll get it.
Hello? No, you listen to me, Drake.
The CIA wants their microchip back they gotta dig it out of my brain themselves.
Wait, why is my ear bleeding? Oh, God, they're trying to take it.
[RAT SQUEAKING.]
[PANTING.]
Squeaky, you've been compromised.
You're putting us all in danger.
[SQUEALING.]
I'm sorry, Squeaky.
It's just the game.
You gotta get before you get got.
[GUNSHOT.]
[GUNSHOT.]
He's not picking up.
Cleveland, how can you take a shower when the kids are missing? You know I shower when I'm scared.
Oh, thank God.
Robert, where the hell were you? Clowning around with these turkeys.
Ha, ha.
- Boy, you crazy.
- Heh, heh.
Gobble, gobble.
Are you okay, Junior? Oh, yeah.
Mr.
Robert took us to Chick-fil-A.
Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, man.
Kid ate five sandwiches.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[RALLO LAUGHING.]
And remember how many chicken sandwiches I ate? Kid's a genius too.
He told me a pattern for the Ms.
Pac Man machine.
Two-thirds.
I ate two-thirds of a sandwich.
Gave the rest to a bird.
Now I call this kid Pac-Man.
Because he's round and eats everything in sight.
Whoa, whoa! Where did that come from? Pac-Man is good people.
Bad Rallo.
Well, Robert, since you and the "Pac-Man" hit it off so well maybe you should take him more often.
That way, I could spend more time with my Popsicle-stick houses.
Hmm? Don't worry, me and the big guy'll hang out again.
- See you, Pac-Man.
- Stay black, man.
[ROBERT LAUGHING.]
Later, Rallo.
Oh, I'm about to start acting out hardcore.
Relax, this is just temporary.
Like lesbianism at women's colleges.
So let me be the first to say, you are all officially college graduates.
ALL: We need to talk.
You're a pretty little house.
I wanna put you by the seashore and grow old in you.
Spend my days inside you making houses of even tinier materials, such as toothpicks.
So then Dumbledore put on the invisibility cloak and entered the Deathly Hallows.
Oh, man, that's crazy.
So how do you know this dude again? - Well, it looks like you two had fun.
- I'll say.
Pac-Man here taught me Morse code.
All right.
See you tomorrow.
Dot-dot-dash, dot-dot-dash, dot-dash, dot-dash.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, you sick.
You're taking him out again tomorrow? Yeah, I'm gonna give him some pointers on getting with that girl he likes.
- Elaine Boozler? - No, you know, Joanna.
From school? She's all the boy talks about.
Huh.
I don't remember him mentioning a Joanna to me.
- Or that he goes to school.
- I'm not surprised.
Do you realize this chump's never even had "the talk" with Junior? You haven't? I'm going to do it when he becomes a man, on his 18th birthday and is headed to university.
Yeah, well, since you ain't man enough, I'm gonna give Junior the sex talk.
- Later, fool.
- I'm gonna give him the sex talk! You're not the expert just because you've had sex with four of the six women I've had sex with, plus a lot more! And I really wish I wasn't shouting this out the door in front of the neighbors and our Lord.
TIM: Amen! Sure is beautiful out here, isn't it, Junior? I guess so.
The perfect setting for a father-son talk.
Waves tickling our toes, salt air filling our lungs, seashells are everywhere.
Do you hear the ocean, Daddy? I wanna talk to an octopus.
Just a moment, Junior.
Daddy's on the phone.
Yep.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
I'll let him know.
Junior, the ocean says there's a girl at school you're sweet on.
- The ocean knows about Joanna? - Mm-hm.
And I know you're becoming a man and there's a few things you should know.
Ice-breaker, did that.
Shell phone bit, that worked.
Becoming a man.
Ugh.
Here we go.
In nature, certain things are meant to fit together.
Like a bird in its nest or a hand in a glove or a hot dog in a doughnut.
So being a man means I can eat doughnut dogs? Perhaps I was less than clear.
Let me skip ahead.
When a woman truly loves a man, she lies down in bed next to him takes his most special treasure and cuts it.
And that's why you have a belly button.
And my cards seem to be out of order.
Well, you basically get it.
Now, as for Joanna, try to initiate physical contact.
Arrange to have a soda sprayed all over here shirt.
Ask the albino kid, he's dying to be included in something.
Then just happen to walk by with a roll of paper towels.
And that will work? If I know soda as well as I think I do yeah, ahem, it'll work.
Talk to me.
How'd it go with Joanna? Tell me everything.
I asked her to the movies.
She said no.
What? Did you do the soda thing? Yeah, the albino kid missed his cue.
Hmm.
He's probably beating himself up worse than we ever could.
You know what, Dad? Thanks for your help, but I think I'm just not ready for girls yet.
Why don't you and I go to the movies tonight? It'll be great.
We'll sneak in some drinks, sneak in some popcorn.
Heck, we could even take us a couple po' boys in there.
What do you say, champ? I think I'm just gonna chill out in my room.
CLEVELAND: That po', po' boy.
Now all I can think about is eating a s-s-sandwich at the m-m-movies.
You're not fooling anybody, sneaking that food into the theater.
Just keep moving.
The soup's starting to burn.
Hey, there's Robert.
And there's Joanna.
Robert's dating Joanna? Oh, Junior's gonna be devastated.
And I can't imagine Joanna's father will be Oh, no, there's Junior.
Oh, that must have been awkward riding between Robert and Joanna on the way to their creepy date.
Cleveland, Junior's on the date with Joanna.
But that doesn't make sense.
Junior told me she said no.
Thanks for the ride, Mr.
Brown.
Thanks for the gas money, Joanna.
Heh, heh.
See you after the show, Dad.
- Are you ready to order? - We're gonna need a minute.
I can't believe Junior's calling Robert "Dad.
" I carried that boy for nine months.
It was when he was 12.
He was scared to touch the ground.
Convinced himself everything was hot lava.
Maybe that's part of the problem, Cleveland.
You baby him.
Robert treats him like a man.
Mm.
Used to treat me like a man too.
- What does that mean? - Bye-bye.
Hey, Dad, let me cop a hit off that juice bag.
- I thought Robert was your Dad.
- Huh.
That's right.
I saw you at "the theater.
" Why would you call Robert "Dad"? Well, the thing is, and I'm sorry to have to get real like this but he's cooler than you, Dad.
Cooler? Yeah, I mean, your idea, that whole albino mess? I never stood a chance.
But Robert, he knows what women want.
DONNA: Yep.
Look, Dad, I'm not trying to replace you with Robert.
And you best believe I'm still coming to you for things like taxes and the best laundry detergent.
- Wisk.
- Right.
So you cool? - Yeah, I'm cool.
- No, no, Dad.
You're not cool.
Heh, heh.
This guy.
He sweet but he no listen.
Junior's wrong about me.
I'm cool, right, guys? Course you're cool, bro.
Would I call you "bro" if you weren't cool? Probably would.
I call everybody bro.
'Sup, bro.
I don't know, Cleveland.
I have to admit, when I imagined having a black friend in my mind I was picturing more of an Isaac Hayes type.
He is pretty cool.
Maybe if I shaved my head No, I got that hot dog roll back there.
That wouldn't look good at all.
[GROANS.]
Hey, I'm way cooler than Robert.
If only there was some way to prove it.
- "Coolympics.
" - What? "The Coolympics.
" A rigorous series of events judged by a panel of experts - to determine which contestant is cooler.
I know what a damn Coolympics is, fool.
Well, I challenge you to one of those.
It's obviously the only way I can win back the love of my son.
Please.
Every four years, some nerd challenges me to a Coolympics.
I ain't lost yet.
I'm in.
See you at the Coolympics, chump.
- Come on, Pac-Man.
- Wakka-wakka-wakka.
You're Coolympic'ing against him? Listen, dummy.
There's only one way you're gonna win this thing and that's if I coach you.
- You want me to win? - No, I want him to lose.
My dad ditched me just like Junior ditched you.
- Time to make him pay.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna make him pay! - Stop it.
Here's the problem right here.
- This is not cool.
- We're gonna make him pay! - We're gonna make him pay.
- Put me down.
I don't like this.
LYNCH: Welcome, one and all, to the Coolympics.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Remember, we have absolutely no street permits for this event.
So if the cops come, run like hell.
And now to our contestants Cleveland Lou Albano Brown and Robert.
[CHEERING.]
And now, to judge this epic battle we've gathered the three coolest men alive, who agreed to be here because they were misled about the nature of this competition.
From the LBC, Mr.
Calvin "Snoop Dogg" Broadus.
[CHEERING.]
If you wanna see my giraffe naked, go to Snoop Dogg-dot-tv.
I also got a tiger having sex with a pelican.
Nice.
Our next judge takes a lot of credit while gravity does the work.
Please welcome the only professional skateboarder in the universe, Tony Hawk.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Even my board gets mad play.
Ha, ha.
He's so radical.
Oh, and here's our final judge all the way from Cloud City, Lando Calrissian.
[CHEERING.]
You no good, low-down, Coolympians.
[CROWD GASP.]
Ha-ha-ha.
Just kidding.
I'm nice and cool.
I've never heard of these judges.
And Cleveland Brown has lost the first event, "Recognizing Cool People.
" Oh.
We move on to our second event: "Getting a Hot Bartender's Attention.
" And go.
Excuse me, sir, are you in line? If I could just scoot by Ah.
Oh.
Uh, hi.
[ROBERT & BARTENDER MOANING.]
When you get a second, may I get an iced Earl Grey please? With a cherry.
LYNCH: Time.
Let's see what the judges thought.
Snoop? The guy getting ass always wins.
You got that right, friend.
Okay, our next event is "Looking Cool In Jeans.
" Gentlemen, show us what you got.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
he went acid-washed.
We got this one.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
What the? Jean shorts? That's not what I picked out for you.
Called an audible.
When you got the legs, you show them off.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Not bad.
Now turn around and make it clap.
- Beg pardon? - No, that's a dude.
Man, I'm up out of here.
See ya'II, man, I'm gone.
[GIRAFFE INHALES.]
Whoo! For our final event, and just for a little tension let's say whoever wins this wins the whole thing.
"Who Can Get Michael Buble on the Phone the Fastest?" Who the fuck is Michael Buble? Michael, is that you? It's Cleveland.
I got him.
I got Buble on the phone.
I win the Coolympics! I win! Trick event.
Michael Buble ain't cool.
Sorry, buddy.
I had no choice.
And by a score of 85 to nothing, Robert wins the Coolympics.
- Whatever, I don't care.
- 86 to nothing.
[CHEERING.]
Wait a minute.
I have something to say.
Wow, thought it would take a little more time to get your attention.
Uh Okay.
What I want to say is this: I did all this because I want my son to love me.
And if that's not cool, then I don't want to be cool.
MAN: Good, because you're not.
Who said that? MAN: Me.
But I'm speaking for everyone.
- Is that true? CROWD: Yes.
[CROWD BOOING.]
All I wanted to do was make my Dad jealous and you're too lame to even help me do that.
Jealous? Why? Because you ditched me for Cleveland, Jr.
Come on, Rallo.
Junior needs help.
Look where he comes from.
That's assault.
I'm gonna sue you all.
But you came from my groins.
You were born cool.
Hey, Junior.
Where's your little girlfriend? Tony Hawk said he was gonna show her how to do a backside ollie but we all know what that means.
Well, that's understandable.
Did you mean all that embarrassing stuff you said about doing this for my love? - Yeah.
- I thought that was nice.
And being nice is more important than being cool.
And maybe this makes me uncool, but I love you, Dad.
It does make you uncool.
Come on, son.
Let's go home.
What a stressful experience.
I'm definitely sleeping in your bed tonight.
DONNA: That's fine, because I'm not.
[LANDO LAUGHING.]
LANDO: Works every time.
Ah, who could blame her?