The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e20 Episode Script

Drew, you sure
this is the Sex Channel?
Been that long,
huh, buddy?
[laughing]
Uh, it's just
I can't make it out
through all the squiggly lines.
Why don't you just pay
the ten bucks a month
so we can actually see it?
I can't. I already get
the Cartoon Network
and I heard if you get that
and the Sex Channel
they put you
in a special file.
What are they doing?
You see, Oswald, when
two people fall in love--
I know.
But how old
are these porn stars?
I could swear
he's giving her oxygen.
Wait. I think
they're actually talkin'.
(man on TV)
'And as the doctor cuts
the patient's abdomen'
'the pancreas becomes..'
This isn't the Sex Channel,
it's the Surgery Channel.
Yeah, but if you think about it,
they're still naked.
[knock on door]
Well, if history has taught us
anything, it's my mom.
You guys, you gotta help me.
I can't get rid of my date.
He wanted to go back to my place
so I told him I lived here.
I don't want some
weirdo in my house.
We're trying to watch
scrambled surgery here.
Oh! Please! Please!
I just want you to act
like my crazy family
so he'll leave me
alone, please.
Alright, I'm tapin' this anyway.
Okay, here he comes. Scatter!
- Okay.
- Go.
Kate, my pet.
I'm sorry I took so long.
Did you miss me?
- No.
- He-he-ha.
What do you say, we start off
with a little drink?
Okay, okay.
Why not?
Since we're here,
allalone!
I knew you were foolin'
around with me, woman.
Oh, no!
Clarke, my obsessively
jealous boyfriend.
That's right,
and I'm mightyangry!
Oh, gee, I didn't know you
were living here with someone.
- 'Yeah.'
- Maybe I should just leave.
Yeah, maybe you oughta 'cause
things are gonna getugly.
Wait a minute, I can't leave you
with this guy. He's dangerous!
No. H-he's not dangerous,
he's just stupid.
You can go, I'm fine.
"Stupid?"
"Stupid?"
Nobody calls mestupid!
[lamp crashes]
Hey! What the hell's
goin' on here?
(Kate)
'Uncle Billy!'
Thank God, you're here!
Clarke, what
are you doin' here?
I thought I made it clear
to you. This is my woman.
Oh, my God! I gotta
get you out of this house!
Oh, no. You don't want her.
She's gonna have a baby.
- You're pregnant?
- Yeah.
It's my baby..
and I'm her brother.
Wait! If you're her brother,
why do you have an accent?
Uh, 'causeI was
born on vacation.
No, you weren't
and I oughta know,
I'm your father.
No, no.I'myour father.
No, you're not.
You'remyfather.
[indistinct chattering]
This is crazy, Kate.
I gotta get you
outta here.
Please.
There's a shelter
I can take you to.
Yeah, whatever.
So ends another evening of
"Trailer Park Dinner Theatre."
Join us tomorrow when we'll
present Tennessee Williams'
"A Truck Stop Named Desire."
Hey ♪
Up every mornin' ♪
Just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way ♪
Through the hustling mob ♪
Sounds of the city ♪
Poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows ♪
No one owns
a piece of my time ♪
And there's a 5 o'clock
me inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that the world
looks fine yeah ♪
Holiday ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪♪
Okay, it's a half hour to tip
off. Now, here's the rules.
Every time they make a
two-pointer, we take a drink.
When they make a three-pointer,
we chug-a-lug.
Free throw, take a sip.
And if they dribble,
sippity, sippity, sippity
sippity, sippity, sippity,
sippity, sippity..
Hey, we gotta get
going to the game.
You guys are going to the game?
I thought we were
watchin' it on TV.
Well, we were going
to surprise you
when you saw it on TV
but what the heck!
You're-you're lookin'
at the new corporate sponsors
of the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Oswald, puttin' a Buzz Beer
sticker on your ass
and streaking the game does not
make you a corporate sponsor.
Hey, that was
a golf tournament.
It was hot and it was
an isolated incident.
Liberating but isolated.
Besides, we've come up
with a much better idea
for free publicity. We're gonna
slap Buzz Beer stickers
on the Cavs players as they run
onto the court, huh.
Hey! Good job, buddy!
What a job out there tonight.
You were dynamite out there.
Once again walking
that fine line
between advertising
and felonious assault, huh?
And there is more.
I'm a reporter in the locker
room after the game.
Thanks for the interview.
Then a quick peek in the showers
to see who's the most valuable
player and I'm off.
Hey, you can come
with us if you want.
No, I think it's best
to keep somebody
on the outside with bail.
Okay.
[door closes]
Ah! Earl, you're out!
Hey, buddy, can I come in?
The game's almost on.
Oh, yeah, sure. So you can
pull a gun on me again?
On second thought, don't move.
I want you right there
when I call the cops.
But first, I'm gonna lock
the backdoor. Hey, Earl!
Relax, Drew,
I was released.
And since making amends
is part of my rehabilitation
I just wanted to stop by
and say I'm sorry.
Boy, is my face red about that
whole attempted murder thing.
[laughing]
What was I thinking?
Yeah, you really
goofed up there, beav.
Hey, listen,
uh, you hungry?
I got some pizza
in the other room, huh.
Oh, great!
But no olives.
Anti-depressants and olives
kinda make me little gassy.
[beeps]
Yeah, hi.
There's a maniac
here who tried to kill me.
My name is Drew Carey.
Who are you
talkin' to, Drew?
Oh! No one just
doing my phone curls. Nine.
And ten! Whoo! Ah!
Hey, look, you know, I know
you were callin' the cops
and I understand
but I did my time, you know..
I've really changed,
I'm feeling better. Look.
Here's my release form.
"We feel
confident that this inmate
can be reintroduced as
a useful member of society."
Hey, you got an A
in racket ball.
Hey, also here's my EKG.
Look at this.
Um, look. Uh, crazy, crazy,
crazy, crazy.
[hoots]
Sane, right there.
Wow! It's all there
in black and white, huh?
Oh, man, look, I'msorry,
I doubted you, man.
I'm glad you got
the help you need.
Hey, listen,
why don't you have a seat
game's about to start.
Want some, uh..
somethin' to
drink to go with that pizza?
- Yeah, great.
- Okay.
Ice tea, okay?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Yeah, Drew Carey.
I just called you.
Listen, there's a maniac..
Earl, get off the phone.
This time I'm hurt..
but I'm not mad. I..
[inhales and exhales]
There. Anger gone.
That's just a little technique
I learned in prison therapy
to help me manage my rage.
Uh, I-I mean, my, uh,
my unhappy thoughts.
Well, I gotta go.
I got a roast in the oven.
Hey, do you guys
have a neighborhood watch?
Your damn right, we do. So don't
try sneaking around my house.
No, no, no. Actually I was
hoping to be block commander.
Yeah, I-I'm renting
a place next door.
Howdy, neighbor.
[exhales]
[instrumental music]
So, the upshot is, I can't come
within 50 feet of a Cavs player.
It's a slap
on the wrist really.
- So, what about Earl?
- He's always watchin' me.
The cop said until
he does something illegal
there's nothing I can do but
when he starts killing me..
ooh, baby, do I got him.
[laughs]
Well, you better
be careful, Drew.
His bathroom window is directly
across from your bedroom window.
- You can see everything.
- How do you know that?
Well, remember
that cute, Italian guy
who rented
the place before Earl?
I happen to be glancing out
the window one day
and he was butt naked,
eventually.
You mean, Earl can see
right into my bedroom?
- 'Mm-hmm.'
- Oh, man.
Last night I was watching
"Grease 2" in my underwear.
That'll teach the bastard.
Sorry to hear
about your aunt, Mimi.
She was an embarrassment
to theBobeck name.
I'm hearing a eulogy
with a heckler.
See this?
This ring signifies
my new title.
It was passed on
from generation to generation.
Except aunty was little stubborn
so I told the hearse driver
I was going in
for a last kiss goodbye.
- Hey, neighbor.
- Earl, what are you doing here?
I came to ask you
for a really big favor.
Earl, don't you understand?
We don't have the basis
of a good relationship.
You know, we kinda got off
on the wrong foot
that time you pulled
a gun on me.
Drew, that was a toy gun.
If you don't believe me,
call the cops.
Okay, so it wasn't
a real gun, but you know
scarin' off a white man,
that's a great idea.
I was reaching out
in my own stupid, mixed up way.
I-I was trying to say, "Hey,
I want you to be my role model."
What?
I need somebody stable
and healthy to look up to.
Somebody who leads a nice
bland, uneventful life.
You know, I mean,
look at you.
If grey had a face,
you know..
Come on, I-I'll do
your housework.
I'll do your gardening,
if you want, you know..
I'll be your little monkey
just to make you laugh ♪♪
You know, I always wanted
somebody to say that to me.
Just not a bald guy
with sideburns.
Come on, give me a chance.
You know, at the same time
you'll be teaching me
how to be normal.
I don't want to go
to prison again, Drew.
You know, ten hours a day in a..
a cell barely bigger
than your cubicle.
You know, no natural light..
You know, kinda like this and..
'guards barking
orders at you.'
Demeaning you.
Sounds like hell.
Carey!
- Workin' here, boss.
- Atta boy.
[instrumental music]
Hey hey hey ♪
Hey hey ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪♪
[applause]
You know, the dance floor's
the only place
I-I really
feel comfortable in my body.
Oh, I can see that,
you scary little freak ya.
Hey, neighbor,
great shirt.
Hey, I was about to
tell you the same thing.
You know, Earl, I gotta tell ya
since you've been watching me
I feel like you've really
gotten your life together.
Hey, Earl, let me
ask you something.
When you went crazy,
did you suddenly see black
then see red, then you
woke up like two minutes later
and you didn't know where
you were or what you'd done?
- No.
- Phew! I'm okay then.
You know, Earl, Drew's
a great guy to look up to.
But it's important
to be an individual.
You have to be yourself.
Yeah, that's
an interesting point.
How do we feel
about that, Drew?
We feel that our friends
are just jealous
because they weren't
asked to be role models
but, we'll let it go
'cause we're the bigger man.
Ah, we don't say that
'cause we're setting
ourselves up for a joke.
(Earl)
'Okay, got it.'
Listen, I'm gonna go
order another cheese bur..
Oh, wow.
Hey, I learned to eat
when I'm not hungry.
Hey, thanks, man.
Okay, let me get this straight.
Follows you everywhere, stalker.
Follows you everywhere,
and kisses your butt, friend.
Hey, I can't help it if he
wants to live in my shadow.
Yeah, him and entire
population of China.
Uh, shadow? Yeah,
it's more like a total eclipse.
Three, uh, shadow?
Yeah, 'cause you're so fat.
Real original, Oswald.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Drew.
Kinda like a couple of dolphins
the way we communicate.
Hey, Drew, I got
a flat on the way over
and I need a spare tire.
Ah!
Thanks, Kate. Six months since
a girl touched me.
Ew! I touched
a stranger's fat.
Hey, Earl.
Lookin' good, my man.
You too, Drew. See ya.
Hey, is that why you called
to see what I was wearing today?
Yeah. Hey, you're not angry that
I copped you're look, are you?
No, I'm just glad to see
that it works for everybody.
So, what are you
doin' here, Earl?
Oh, just, uh, you know,
being a little monkey.
Just to make you laugh.
[imitating monkey hooting]
Oh, man. Hedoesmake me laugh.
Hey, why did you give him a key?
I didn't give him a key.
I thought he came in
with you guys.
Hey, he forgot his jacket.
Check his pockets,
I bet he stole something.
No, wa-wa-wait. Hey, say,
wait, this isn't right.
He-he came to me 'cause
he wanted someone to believe in
someone he could trust
he wanted a role model.
- Check his wallet.
- Okay.
Uh-oh. Look at this license.
That's my name
and that's my address
but that's not my face.
Why would he want a license
with your name on it?
Hmm. Maybe this
will give us a clue.
"Things to do.
Monday, be more like Drew.
"Tuesday, be more like Drew.
"Wednesday, be more Drew.
(Oswald)
'"Thursday, be Drew.'
"Friday, Drew.
Saturday, pickup dry cleaning."
"Pickup dry cleaning."
"Pickup dry cleaning" what do
you think he means by that?
I'll tell you what it means,
it means he wants my life.
Hey, here's an idea.
Let him have it.
[instrumental music]
(Mimi)
'Hey, pig, I need these forms
filled up by 5 o'clock.'
No problem. By the way
what's black and white
and gross all over?
Oh, my God! You're not Drew.
You're creepy Earl.
Hi, Mimi.
And what did you do with Drew?
Do you have him locked
in a closet somewhere?
- No.
- Oh, I know.
Is he bound and gagged
in the trunk of your car?
- No.
- Oh, well.
Have you thought about tying him
to a chair and dangling
a roast beef just
out of reach of his tongue
so that it drives him crazy?
I mean, it's just a thought.
Mornin', Mimi.
Man, I pity the cheetah
that tries to take you down.
Beautiful.
I'm having deja-pig.
What are you talkin' about?
Mornin', Drew.
Same old bunch of crap, huh?
Alright, man. I've been lookin'
for you, we have to talk.
And what's with the Ken wig?
Oh, good Lord, Carey.
You didn't tell me
you had a son.
- I don't.
- Oh.
About this report,
where you suggest
"We promise
the employees everything
but give them nothing."
I didn't write that report.
I did.
Well, thisisa quandary.
I really liked it.
Well, he's doin' my job.
He shouldn't be doin' my job.
Or should he?
I say you both show up tomorrow
and we have a Drew-off.
Whoever does the best job,
get to bethe Drew.
It's not much of a prize,
but anyway.
Hey, listen, pal,
I wanted to help you
but this has gone too far.
There can only
be one Drew Carey.
Yeah, you're right.
Look, I-I just
admired your life.
And I guess, I went-
I guess, I went too far.
Uh, I'm just gonna
get out of your hair.
I guess it's best for everybody
if I just disappeared.
Hey! Why don't you and your
buddies come by tomorrow night
and we'll throw back a few
farewell beers, huh? Yeah.
- No way! I'm not going.
- No, I'm not goin'.
We'll go over there
and we'll make an excuse
we can leave right away.
I got one,
I never stay in a house
more than five minutes
where the arm of the chairs
are made out of real arms.
Alright, how about this?
We go over there
and we can't take it anymore
we'll yawn and go,
"Oh, boy, am I sleepy."
Hey, does he know
we're not all doctors?
'Cause we could say
we're a team of surgeons
and we've been called
to an emergency
Siamese twins separation.
Okay, let's give that
a special code name
we'll call that
The Moron Plan.
[knock on door]
(Earl)
'Come in.'
Oh, my God.
It's my house.
Hey, guys, have a seat.
Make yourselves at home.
Oh, that shouldn't be
too hard for you, Drew.
Hey, who wants pizza?
[indistinct chattering]
Oh, come on,
you want a slice, huh?
A-and you want a slice,
I'll give you a slice.
Come on, everybody
wants a slice of pizza.
I got to warn you though..
even though I saiddon't
they putoliveson the pizza
and I said no and I..
[whimpering]
It's not working for me.
Now! Who wants a beer?
Oh, I don't know,
Earl, I really--
- Drew.
- What?
- Drew!
- What?
Calm down, Earl.
I'mDrew!
Thereisno Earl.
That's who this
farewell party's for.
Earl is gone.
Well, this might be
a little after the fact
but here's a little
farewell present for Earl.
Here, this is
all my money. Got to go.
Stop right there!
Drew, it's four of us
and one of you.
And with me supervising,
they should be able to
take that knife away from you.
Oh, no, guys, you..
You thought I was
threatening you with this?
No, no.
No, this is for pizza.
[laughter]
No, this is for threatenin' you.
Oh-oh!
Yeah, that's better, huh?
[yawns]
I-I'm sleepy.
Look, uh, Earl..
we all know
that's a toy gun. So..
Oh, yeah?
You sure of that?
How lucky you been
in your life, Drew?
Oh, crap. It's a real gun.
Come on, buddy. I just want to
lead a nice, simple, quiet life.
So come into the kitchen
where I can kill ya.
Oh, man, I'm gonna
die in the kitchen.
I hate proving that
cocky cardiologist right.
[whimpering]
You know what, Earl?
I can prove mathematically
that you cannot kill Drew Carey.
Oh, Drew, just go in the kitchen
and get it over with.
No. Wait a second.
I-I wanna hear this.
- I'm kind of a math buff.
- Okay.
There's a train leaving
Pittsburg going to Detroit
at a 140 miles an hour.
[mumbling]
Okay.
Okay. And there's another train,
going 125 miles an hour
from Boston to Albany,
New York. You got it?
[sighs]
- Yeah.
- Okay.
[screaming]
We got him, Kate,
call the police.
You're gonna be all over
the news, Earl
and you're never gonna be able
to do this in this town again
'cause everyone's gonna
see how dangerous you are.
Everyone in town?
You thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
- Buzz Beer stickers?
- Yeah.
Drink Buzz Beer.
Drink Buzz Beer.
(Oswald)
'Drink Buzz Beer.'
I'm free. I'm free.
Ah-whoo!
It's cold outside.
[wood creaking]