The Neighbors s02e20 Episode Script

Hey.
Wow.
- That is a lot of Larry.
- And not a lot of swimsuit.
Hey, Jackie, we can only stay a minute.
Our bowling semifinals are tonight.
You're still coming to cheer us on, right? Absolutely.
But not until we've celebrated our Bird-iversary! Well, it's been exactly one year since Larry Bird disobeyed his father and decided that the community would stay on Earth to continue our research.
So to celebrate, you made him a papier-mâché bust! So, I see you also have a picture of Scott Baio.
Because ? Oh! This is a gallery of Larry Bird's favorite leaders.
So we have Churchill, Ghengis Khan, and, of course, Charles, who was, famously, in charge.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I hope this party cheers Larry Bird up.
He's been so worried about what we've accomplished since his stand against his father, and it's beginning to come between us.
His anxiety is even affecting his performance in the bedroom.
O kay.
Oh, no, I'm just saying - He's so limp.
- Jackie! He teases his hair for hours, and it just lies there.
The hair's limp.
I got you.
Dick, is your father upstairs? Nope, just me and the kids wrestling with the big questions Like, if you smelt it, are you, in fact, the one who dealt it? Riveting stuff.
We'll be in the new clubhouse.
It's a salon A place for higher thought.
Last one there's a rotten egg! Rotten eggs smell like farts.
I need new friends.
Well, if he's not upstairs, he must be in the garage, worrying.
Okay, Weavers, come help me fluff my husband.
What? What are you What are you His hair! She means his hair.
- Of course she means - Yeah, okay.
- But, daddy! - Enough! What have you accomplished this year? If you are going to stay on Earth against my wishes, - at least have something to show for it.
Take over a small government.
Get a tramp stamp.
We did two musical numbers.
Which almost no one saw.
Got nominated for an Emmy.
If you don't have something of import to show me within the week, I'm going to have to send someone to clean up your mess, and I'm going to be very bitchy about it.
But Happy Bird-iversary! Husband, what are you doing in here on your computer, looking all nervous and sweaty? Hey, Marty, it seems like aliens and humans have more in common than we thought.
It was one time.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade That's my man! Great shot, baby! The Incredibowls are on fire.
And there goes the Human fire extinguisher.
Come on, sweetie! Oh almost! Don't worry about it, baby! We're still way ahead.
I got you covered.
I have a 239, and you have a 12.
Oh.
12's bad, huh? Yes.
Yeah, quite bad.
Eh, who cares about score, huh? You're all about the Intangibles.
You are the spirit of the Incredibowls.
- Aah! - All right, let's go! You can do it, sweetie! Marty, she's only got six more points than there are "Rocky" movies.
The championship is next week, man.
Hey, listen, I get it Deb's not a great bowler.
But what do you want me to do? We want you to kick her off the team.
W-what do you want me to do besides that? Oh-hoo! I got one! I got one! Oh, humans.
Never more than a ball and a fried carbohydrate away from having a good time.
Not a bowler, either, huh? No.
I can't stand it.
Giving the shoes back at the end is just too much heartbreak.
You have a lovely accent.
Are you new to this country? Oh, no.
My husband and I moved here 11 years ago, but we've only been on our own for One year! This has been my mission for one year, people, and I need progress reports now! Mary Lou Retton, my chief chemist and engineer, status report.
What have you learned this week? Natalie Portman wore it better, Gwyneth Paltrow is doing a rhubarb cleanse, and I'm still on the fence about Jimmy Fallon.
Mary Lou, this is very disappointing! I know poor Leno.
Ugh! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, you're my cultural attaché.
Your report.
I've learned so much.
We are in the middle of a Matthew Mccona-Sance.
All right, all right, all right.
I can't believe none of you have learned anything of anything import! I have! - Ooh! - Ooh! You aliens are driving me Crazy only talking about his problems and his stress.
Think that just once, he'd ask about my life About how a black woman can change her hairstyle so many times without using a weave.
It's me and Beyoncé.
We're the only ones.
That's the list.
Listen to me go on.
Sorry.
There's just something about you that gets me talking.
Oh, well, you know, actually, it's kind of my bread and butter.
I'm a therapist.
Like Frasier.
Will there be some witty banter about wine and opera? Okay, got to go, but if you and your husband just want to talk, maybe I can help.
Oh, thank you so much.
And do you happen to know what area of the bowling alley I can find a good dentist in? That was such a fun night, Marty.
Did you see my lasso dance every time I knocked down a pin? Yeah, I sure did.
I saw it all all 12 times.
You know, I was thinking that maybe we should quit bowling while we're ahead You know, like Like Barry Sanders.
Our old accountant? He didn't quit while he was ahead, Marty.
I think they found him dead at his desk.
No, Barry Sanders is a football player who left at the top of his game.
Well, why'd he want to quit? Well, honey, I-I was talking with Oscar and Lana, and Oh, God, forget them.
They only care about the score, right? Uh, yeah, that's exactly right.
They sure do.
- Um - Oh, let's go to bed.
All this bowling talk has put me in the mood.
That is the first time that sentence has ever been said.
Yeah, honey, I really need to talk to you about the whole bowling thing.
- Are you sure? - What are you doing? Yes, I'm very sure.
Are you really sure? Oh, your imaginary lasso is so strong, huh? - Well, giddyup! - I I Screw it.
Yeah.
Pull me up.
Let's go.
Oh! Oh! Oh, stop it, Max! Tag! You're it! Wet Willy! Gross! Tag! You're it, Dick! We all know how this ends.
I tag you.
You tag me.
I fall over and shatter my femur.
Can we just cut to the chase? Dick, we told you We're not playing paperwork again.
Or filing.
Let me give it to you straight.
This relationship is over.
I've drawn up a separation agreement, which bequeaths us equal time in the clubhouse.
Sign at the tabs.
I'm trying to make an 11:30 across town.
Now I just need one good statistic to impress father.
Hi, honey buns.
How's your day going? I'm doing very well.
Thanks for asking.
Current So, I met the most interesting woman last night.
I know you've been under a lot of pressure lately, so I thought it might help if we went to talk to her.
She's a therapist.
See? - A therapist?! - Yeah.
Oh.
I thought you were going to suggest something stupid and beneath me, but a therapist! You don't say! May I see that? Oh, yes.
Ah.
Thank you.
But Therapist Ridiculous! Therapy! One therapy, please.
I'm so excited to be in therapy! I feel like Tony Soprano.
"Carmela, the ducks are back.
Mortadella!" Sorry.
I'm rambling.
I I'm just not used to having anyone listen to me.
So you feel no one listens to you? Well, no.
And your husband? We've been married for 1,402 years.
Sometimes it feels that way, doesn't it? Well, if by "sometimes," you mean "literally," then yes.
Larry Bird and I used to do everything together, but now he just locks himself away in his garage with his computer.
Have you checked his search history? Oh, of course.
It's mostly just hair blogs.
But who cares what he's searching for? Just please Just make me feel better.
You're a shrink! Shrink me! Ohh, Jackie.
Sometimes therapy takes years of hard work and reflection.
But Dr.
Phil does it in an hour Just in time for "Family Feud.
" And it's only 15 minutes till the "Feud," Barb.
Welcome to "The Butkus Group," a salon for higher thought.
With me are the brightest minds in science, media, and politics.
Joel Stein, Time Magazine, Lawrence O'Donnell, MSNBC, and noted science guy Bill Nye the science guy.
W-why are we here? Metaphysical question Good start.
Lawrence O'Donnell, why are any of us here? Well, the Hindus believe that the eternal spirit No one cares! Next topic.
Joel Stein, electoral college go.
Uh, can I get another juice box? I am this close, Stein! Remember, you're only here 'cause Hawking demanded a ramp.
Is this a real TV show? My friend, I've been asking myself that question for two seasons.
Dick, the schedule says we get the clubhouse now.
Give me five minutes.
Nye's gonna charge a cellphone with a potato.
Y you can't charge a cellphone with a potato.
There's too much internal resistance.
Maybe Dick's right.
Maybe we are too immature.
Yeah.
Good point, Abby.
Wet Willy! Gross! Don't wet Willy! Stop! Come here! Stop! Stop! Hey! You there! Marty, stop your pacing and mumbling.
It's interfering with my mumbling and pacing.
I'm sorry, Larry.
You know, I've had quite a week, and I'm just trying to figure something out.
Me too.
What's your damage? Oh, it's no big deal.
Debbie's a lousy bowler, and the guys want to kick her off the team.
You? Oh, no big deal.
I just failed my 10-year mission to Earth, and my father's gonna take my family away.
But please Tell me more about bowling.
This is a fun conversation.
The point is, I'm screwed.
All my Zabvronian underlings are useless! Well, Larry, you know, maybe the other aliens are failing, but your family's learned a lot.
You know, I mean, Reggie dated my daughter.
He alone has enough, uh Shut up.
What? - Shut up! - What? You finally had a good idea.
Don't ruin it.
I got to start doing my thinking indoors, huh? Marty, what are you thinking about for dinner? Oh, hey, Lar.
Debbie Weaver Your husband has just given me great advice! I know! I'm as shocked as you are.
Well, my husband is a pretty great guy.
All right, keep it in your pants.
But as he has done me a solid, I will do him a solid in return.
Debbie, Marty doesn't know how to tell you he's kicking you off the bowling team because you stink.
So, Debbie, you're kicked off the bowling team because you stink.
Don't bother to thank me.
Bird out! Oh, my goodness.
I can't believe all the random emotions that are coming out of me.
I feel like a Meryl Streep highlight reel.
Oh, then I go from home to work and work back home, and I'm not appreciated in either place.
But, Jackie, you're an intelligent, capable woman.
Surely you can find purpose in something else.
Well, of course I can.
I can do anything I want.
But What I really want is to feel like I belong somewhere.
Like somewhere is home.
Okay.
And What exactly would make you feel like this here is your home? All right, father, you wanted to know what we've learned this past year on Earth.
May I present to you my son Reggie Jackson? Grandson! You look magnificent.
Uh, did you get the birthday check I sent to you? I got all $5, yes.
Thank you.
Uh, Reggie, you dated a human female.
What did she teach you? Oh! I learned more than you can imagine.
Women are going to talk A lot And most of it's going to be about their problems.
Under no circumstances should you try to solve those problems.
Just nod, say "that sounds hard" as many times as possible, and then buy them tapas.
- I don't think - They love tapas.
Makes them feel like they're traveling even though they're just at a strip mall.
Enough! Reggie, I love you, but that was a horrible waste of time! Do you know how much these calls cost? You could not be more out of network.
Leave us.
Oh, father, I know that didn't go - exactly as I wanted it, but - Quiet.
I can't cover for you anymore.
Your colony is worse than I realized.
No! Eh I just need more time.
Enough! It's over, son! You've failed me for the last time! Someone needs to clean up your mess.
So I'm sending him.
Kisses to Jackie.
Tell Dick and Reggie Grandpa Snuggy loves them.
Can't believe you want me off the team! What wine pairs best with husband's betrayal? Oh, screw it.
I'm gonna have the cake.
Deb, I'm sorry.
I-I don't want to kick you off the team.
It's Oscar and Lana.
Now, they really they really want to win this championship.
Why didn't you say something to me? Why did I have to hear it from Larry? 'Cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Oh.
How's that working for you? Bad.
Badly.
Pretty bad.
Um, look, the thing is, we've been working really hard, you know, and it might be nice to win a championship.
So do you think that maybe you could focus some of your dancing energy into bowling energy? Wow.
Turning on the dancing.
Well, if that's what you want, that's what you'll get Focus, all focus.
No more dancing.
No fun.
I'll be in the bathtub.
Okay, no fun! Sounds fun.
Wow.
Are you sure that's what you want, Jackie? I mean, it's an awfully big decision.
It is.
But yes I'm sure.
Well, then you have to tell Larry tonight.
It's time your needs come first.
All right.
I'll tell him.
Oh, thank you so much for everything this week, Barb.
Dr.
Phil's got nothing on you.
Except the television show.
And the books.
And the money.
- And the mustache! - Okay.
We'll see you next time.
Sorry.
Hey, Dick, isn't this your fancy talking time in the salon? Yeah.
O'Donnell's doing another rant on the tea party.
I needed a breather.
Ugh.
I hear you.
You've been to one tea party, you've been to all of them.
Shouldn't you guys be throwing water balloons at cars right now? Yeah.
We tried.
A few honked.
One guy gave us the finger! But it didn't have that old magic without you lecturing us.
You know, maybe I was a bit hasty about breaking us up.
sGot any plans for those extra water balloons? I'm pretty sure fossils were put there by the devil to confuse you.
At what magazine do you work? What's she doing here? Oh, hi, Oscar, Lana.
I'm so sorry.
Should I turn around? I know you're more comfortable talking about me behind my back.
Oh, it was nothing personal, Debbie.
We We just want to win.
Oh, me too.
Me too! It is all I care about now.
Let's have a terrible time.
Okay! What do you say?! Right here! All right.
Okay, so, Deb, we are down by one pin, with one ball to go.
Your ball.
You can do this, Deb.
Piece of cake.
Don't worry.
I won't screw it up.
Deb, wait! I don't want this.
Listen, watching you laugh and dance around the lanes like you do That's my favorite part of bowling night.
You got that creaky robot, right? It's a little creakier than that.
Well, then you got the "fist pump/ raise the roof" combo.
There it is.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, you go, girl.
And then you got that thing where it looks like you're washing the windows.
I think you're washing There it is, see? I don't even know what that is, but I love it.
That's great.
Listen, we may not bowl a perfect score together, but we are a perfect team.
Without you, I lose no matter what.
That is so cheesy.
I know.
I think it's the beer.
You should probably drive home.
Yes.
All right, I want you To go out there and be adorably horrible.
- That, I can do! - All right! Yes! Yes! Come on, Debbie.
Debbie, Debbie! Debbie! Debbie! Debbie! Debbie! Oh, wife, there you are.
I have a problem, and I need to talk to you.
Oh, you want to talk to me now that you have a problem? Yes.
I'm glad we're on the same page.
Uh, what was I saying? No, husband, I will not listen to your problems tonight.
I have needed you the past few weeks, and you've been locked away in that garage, ignoring me.
Yes, I've been involved in some very important work.
I am important, husband.
What I want is important.
I want to know that this planet is our home.
I want to know that That we belong here permanently.
Or at least for a few more seasons.
- I want - Oh, for God's sake, just say what you're gonna say.
Then we can get on to my thing.
I want to have another baby.
What? Who wants to celebrate?! You won the competition? Oh, no.
We lost miserably.
It was It was awesome! I missed everything All the pins! I was on fire! Oh, my God, she sucks! Who wants ice cream?! - I do! - Me! Everything okay, Jack? Can I help you? My wife seems to think so.
I'm Larry Bird, and I need someone to talk to.
Uh, sure.
That's great.
But it's awfully late.
Can it wait until morning? No.
He's already on his way.
All right.
Let's see what mess you've made for me to clean up.
I'm here.
I've been expecting you Brother.
Bill Nye the science guy, did you eat all the pizza? You should call yourself bill nye the selfish guy.
Oh, burn! Oh, my God.
This dream again.
Usually, you guys are dressed as firemen, but this'll do.
So Who wants to save me first? Deborah? Why are all three of your hall passes in our kitchen? And what are you doing on the floor? Oh, my God.
This isn't a dream? This is real? I think she likes us.
You think, genius? Sync & Corrections by Darcade