The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e20 Episode Script

Okay, Matthew, we won't be home late, okay? I've left dinner for you and Ritchie on the kitchen counter.
Where? Right there.
Menu-- a 20.
That's a five.
And a coupon for carpet cleaning.
Just figure it out.
Christine, you have got to clean your bathroom.
The mold on your showerhead just gave me the finger.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi! - Hey.
Okay, I'm glad you guys are here.
Can't wait to get there.
Oh, you love weddings, too? No, I hate weddings, but I love getting dressed up and I'm breaking in a new bra.
I should have worn a bra.
I'm not going to let that ruin my mood.
Really? No bra? I got more support under here than the troops in Iraq.
Hey, so who's getting married? Our old college friend Ben.
So what do we know about the bride? Claire, right? Yeah.
Well, Ben's great.
I'm sure she's great.
I hope she's not prettier than me.
Yeah, nothing worse than a wedding where the bride outshines the bitter drunk lady in the back.
I don't like that.
Come on.
Let's get going.
They're having a champagne reception before the ceremony.
Hey, we should pick a designated driver.
- Odd finger out? - Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, what about me? What? What, I can go to a wedding without drinking.
I've done that before.
When? Uncle Duddy's wedding.
You were an eight-year-old flower girl.
I didn't have a drink and I didn't wear a bra.
It was was such a beautiful ceremony.
When her dad walked her up there, I totally lost it.
Their vows were sweet, but I thought it was a little tacky they used tongues during the kiss.
You didn't think it was tacky when you shouted, "That's what I'm talking about!"? Okay, drunkies, here's our table.
All right, let's see, who did they put us with? Oh, no.
No! Uh! Not a chance.
I can't find my card.
You might want to check table six.
You guys made it.
Ben! There he is! Oh, hey! My God, Christine, you look fantastic.
- Oh, please.
- Your hair got smaller and you stopped dressing like Pat Benatar.
Yeah, I don't miss those black pleather pants.
God, at the end of college, I had to powder up to get in those babies.
Barbara Jean-- "B.
J.
" Benjamin Michael-- "B.
M.
" Dude, you look great.
Dude, so do you.
It's in the hole.
Cinderella story, come out of nowhere.
What are they doing? Oh, it's from Caddyshack.
We used to watch it a lot in college.
Oh, in college we watched Titanic.
"I'm so cold, Jack.
" You should rent it.
Uh, Ben, this is my girlfriend New Christine.
Hi, I loved your wedding.
I love all weddings.
Except my dad's second wedding.
My mom crashed it with her car.
Well, there's no chance of that happening here.
My parents are dead.
They were hit by a car at a wedding.
Hey, wait a minute.
He's kidding, sweetie.
You ass! Pretty funny.
We were sued.
I gotta go get another drink.
Claire.
These are my friends from college I was telling you about.
This is Richard.
He's got a license to kill gophers.
Oh, Caddyshack.
Yay.
Great to meet you, though.
Thanks so much for coming.
And this is Christine.
Hi.
Oh, what a great wedding.
You look so beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
So, this is Christine.
The famous Christine.
The best friend, the perfect woman.
The one he can't stop talking about even when he's asked to.
Hi, I'm Barb.
Oh, "B.
J.
" I haven't been called that since college for lots of reasons.
Well, Ben tells me you're an amazing singer.
Oh, I don't know about amazing.
I used to get up at open mike night back in college.
You know, people seemed to like it.
Standing ovations.
You have to sing something with the band later.
That would be classic.
Oh, I really don't do that anymore.
I'm kind of retired.
- I understand.
- All right, I'll do it.
By the way, that giant gift over there, that's from me.
In case the card falls off.
Oh, shoot! I left your gift at home, and it was so good, too.
Mm.
Well, Ben loves your presents.
He still wears that Jackson Browne T-shirt you got him all the time, even when he's asked not to.
We should go say hello to my family.
I'll catch you guys later.
Wow, she did not like you.
Right? I know.
What the hell was that all about? Ben always had a thing for you.
She probably feels a little threatened.
Oh, God, do I look that good? - No.
- No.
Come on.
Let's go get a drink.
Yeah, go ahead and drink.
I'll be here to pick up the pieces, get you home safe.
God, why do I always have to be the grown-up? I am quickly falling out of love with this new bra.
Hello.
Matthew, I forgot the wedding gift.
Listen, I need you to call Ali and get her to come over and watch Ritchie and you can bring it to me.
What wedding gift? The chocolate fountain.
It's in a big box on the kitchen counter.
Where is it? Just bring it.
I'm sober and I'm not in the mood.
This is such a beautiful event.
I love the place settings and the flowers.
It's a perfect size for a wedding.
Not too big, not too small.
What would you call this, medium? I guess.
What kind of weddings do you like? Short ones.
I don't really think about weddings.
Yeah, me, neither.
Be a shame to drive into this wedding.
- What can I get for you? - Club soda.
Boy, there are a lot of drinkers here tonight, huh? I mean, I'm not judging.
It's just sad.
Well, I think everyone's just having a good time.
It's a wedding.
Champagne, please.
So, listen, Claire, I am picking up some major weirdness between us, and I really want to reassure you that Ben and I were just friends.
That is it, really.
I'm sure he hasn't had a single thought about me in 15 years.
He married you.
Can't we be friends? And before you answer, remember, you got a great gift coming.
With a really funny card.
There are these two cows on a racquetball court No, no.
Wait till you see it.
I don't want to ruin it, but Uh, I'm sorry.
It's a big day and I'm a little wound up.
It's just, he talks about you in such glowing terms.
I I guess I made you out to be a threat, but now that I've met you, I I actually feel a lot better.
Yeah, see? I'm just a regular girl.
I put my comfortable underwear on one leg at a time.
Although, actually, today I accidentally put two legs through one hole 'cause I was driving, but I'm actually feeling so much better.
Good, good, yeah.
Did you see that? I'm telling you, if I had been drinking, it would have gone a whole different way.
I would have offended her or spilled something on her and then, I don't know, made out with her.
Are guys always this ugly at weddings? Hey.
I got tired of waiting, I snagged a couple of prime ribs off that table over there.
The bride and groom's table? Yeah.
They never eat at their own wedding.
It's so good.
Definitely the best thing about a wedding.
So you do think about weddings? What? Well, earlier you said you never think about weddings, but now you're saying you like to eat at weddings, so you've obviously thought about that.
Yeah, I like to eat at weddings, I like to eat at funerals, I like to eat in my car.
I like to eat.
What are we talking about? Nothing.
You don't have to freak out.
I just want to know where you stand on weddings.
I don't really stand anywhere.
I've been married, I had a wedding and kind of glad to be done with it.
That's all I wanted to know.
I love you.
It's in the hole.
- So she doesn't hate you? - No.
I am telling you, Barb, I totally turned it around.
Not drinking at a wedding is amazing.
My senses are sharper, I can make quick decisions-- I'm like a freakin' ninja.
Hey, that sounds good.
I'm gonna have a kamikaze.
Excuse me, everyone, if I can have your attention? Uh, first I'd like to say, whoever stole our steaks, we're going to find you.
I'm serious.
Not cool.
Second there are so many people who helped make tonight the special night it is.
But mainly, I'd like to thank the woman I love, the girl of my dreams.
I can't wait to begin my life with her.
I love you, Christine.
Oh, crap.
Oh, crap.
I am telling you, Barb, this one wasn't my fault.
He said my name-- I was just sitting there minding my own business.
I can't help it if he finds me irresistible.
Club soda.
Sorry.
And a little garlic bread.
Seriously, come on, what am I gonna do now? It's a big room, the cake'll be out soon-- just lay low and steer clear of Claire.
I have no more ideas.
Yes, I do.
I'm gonna get a mai-tai.
Fun wedding, huh? I feel like a fairy tale princess.
Did you see when my mom threw up? Claire, I'm really sorry.
No, no need to apologize.
I'm glad I found out now-- spend the rest of my life with him.
No, no.
It was a mistake, you know? I was in his eye-line, and we'd been talking, and it just slipped out.
I know.
Perfectly innocent.
In fact, I'm sure you guys will have a good laugh about it on your honeymoon at the Four Seasons Maui.
Oh.
I heard about that place.
That's where you can swim with those dolphins.
You've ruined my wedding! Claire, I know you're having a bad day.
Weddings are brutal for the bride.
You're anxious, you're keyed up, you've been drinking.
I'm not judging.
I mean It's a little sad, but Marriage is not about the wedding.
Nobody remembers the toast or the food or those tacky bridesmaids' dresses.
- I made those.
- Beautiful! Anyway, marriage is about the man you love and the man who loves you more than anybody else.
And that man is Ben.
Wow.
What a perfect thing to say.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey, listen, is this one of those weddings where you can take home the centerpieces? - No.
- Oh, okay, I'll I'll, uh, I'll put it back.
It's-it's not I can do that.
You've been dating the girl for over a year, you take her to a wedding, and you didn't think she was gonna bring up marriage? Dope.
I know.
What exactly is the problem? Don't you want to marry her? It's not her, it's marriage.
It starts off with "I love you," and ends with her mother cutting my face out of all the family photosos.
True story.
Marriage doesn't work.
That's why more than half of them fail.
Hey, how you doing! You guys are gonna make it! Happy, happy, happy! Hit me.
I don't know what to do.
I love her.
I love what we have together.
I could even see spending the rest of my life with her.
I just don't want to get married and mess everything up.
I love her too much to lose her.
Well, there you go-- tell her that.
Yeah.
I'll tell her that.
It's perfect.
Will you tell her that? No.
It should be me.
Right? Dope! And his mother used to visit us in college in this giant boat of a Cadillac.
Oh, my God she still has that.
What? I can't believe she's even still alive.
She was, like, a thousand when I met her.
Of course she's still alive-- she's too mean to die.
I can see why you and Ben are friends.
Oh, gosh, well, there's nothing else we could be.
I mean, that time we slept together was a disaster! You slept with Ben? No.
That mom is mean, huh? She ain't gonna die.
He told me nothing ever happened between you two.
He lied to me.
Oh, w yeah, uh everybody lies.
Hey, is there any chance we can keep this between us? Excuse me.
Ben? Claire, wait.
You slept with Christine? You told me nothing happened.
There's my beautiful bride.
Let's cut the cake.
Ben, Ben, I may have inadvertently mentioned that we slept together.
I'm so sorry.
Is that coconut? Oh, gross.
I feel like our entire relationship is based on a lie.
Sweetie, come on, it was a long time ago.
I barely even remember it.
Yeah, it was fast.
I mean, good fast.
Hey, you're in for a real treat.
If it was nothing, then why did you lie about it? And why did you say her name in the toast? I don't know-- but you've got to believe me, I don't have any feelings for Christine.
And by the way, it wasn't that fast.
Wasn't that slow.
Claire, I was 19, She's the only one that would sleep with me.
I don't mind a little chunk.
Kind of dig it.
I want you to stop talking and start drinking.
- But I'm the designated driver.
- I'm un-designating you.
You're the only person I know who's more of an ass sober than drunk.
That's true.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah! Baby? - You alone? - Yeah.
I was just talking to Barb, and what I said before came out all wrong, and maybe if I could explain it to you, you'd understand where I'm coming from.
I'd love to hear an explanation, because all I heard was that you didn't want to get married again.
That's not it at all.
Let me just try to remember what I told Barb, because she really got it.
I love you but I'm never gonna marry you.
Wait, that wasn't it.
- That - I'm gonna go home.
I have a lot to think about.
No.
No.
It's you.
I don't want to marry you.
Damn it! Barb! Wow! There are a lot of good-looking guys here.
I'm good-looking but stupid.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, there you are.
Here's your gift.
I'm keeping it.
Chocolate fountain.
Sit down-- Barb's about to sing.
No, no, I wasn't gonna stay.
Oh, no, you are.
You have to drive us home.
I think we've had a little too much to with Great.
Nothing like being the only sober person at a wedding.
I could be home right now eating used chocolate.
Okay, guys, I haven't done this in a long time, but this is for Ben and Christine.
Claire! Claire! Claire and Christine.
That's what I'm talking about! # Lying in my bed # # I hear the clock tick # # And think of you # # Caught up in circles # # Confusion is nothing new # Does that sound good to you? Oh, I mean, if anything, she has gotten better! - Right.
- Yeah.
And and have you ever heard her sing without a drink in your hand? No, 'cause in college, I didn't never have # If you're lost # # you can look and you will find me # # Time after time # # If you fall # # I will catch you I will be waiting # # Time after time # Come on! # Time after time # # Time after time #