The Suite Life on Deck (2008) s02e20 Episode Script

Ten hut! Hey, guys, I see you're tossin' around the old cow-skin.
You mean pigskin.
Well, actually, while it's commonly referred to as "the pigskin," footballs today are made from premium cowhide.
Whether it's pork or beef, you still can't catch it.
( Grunts ) It's pointy.
Wow.
A chair can catch better than you.
It cannot.
See? Well, when you throw it like that.
- Come on, guys, give me another chance.
- Okay, go long.
- How long? - Peru.
( Mimics laughter ) Hilarious.
Look, the chair can tackle too.
All right, let's play some ball.
There you go, buddy.
Blue-42 red-18, set hut! - Marcus: I got it, I got it.
- ( Shouts ) ( Forced laugh ) Nice catch, Mr.
moseby.
Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows - we say - hey-ho, let's go! - oh ay oh - this boat's rocking - oh ay oh - ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life - oh ay oh - this boat's rocking - oh ay oh - rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Hey, little buddy.
Your face is so long, you'd need three people to shave it.
That is, if you shaved.
I got more hair in my ear.
Okay, I can't grow facial hair, I can't catch a football.
Anyone else want to take a shot at me? Your towel folding is atrocious! This is a lumpkin cross fold.
What are we on, a pirate ship?! Who cares about football anyway? It's just a bunch of sweaty neanderthals running into each other.
Hey! I used to play football.
And by neanderthals, I mean the upper paleolithic neanderthals who invented tools and did those beautiful cave paintings in lascaux.
I've seen those.
I like how the mammoth poop has stink lines.
So the reason I'm upset is the guys wouldn't let me play football.
Really? 'Cause I saw them playing with a chair.
Dang, you must stink like an armpit full of cheese.
Good pep talk, Kirby.
Cody, I'm going to put you through Kirby Morris training camp.
I'll have you playing like a pro.
Or at least as good as that chair.
All right, I'm in.
Welcome to the pigskin posse! You mean cow-skin.
Footballs are made from cow leather.
No, I mean pigskin.
I always like to celebrate with pork rinds.
Oooh, crunchy.
After you teach me about football, I'm gonna teach you about the food pyramid.
Food pyramid? Is that that falafel place with the drive-thru window? Gentlemen, Zack's fantasy football league draft is now underway.
Mr.
moseby can't complain about this.
Exactly.
So with the first pick the sea anemones pick quarterback tom Brady.
Dang it! The retainer babies pick Peyton Manning.
Dang it.
K-nock k-nock.
I heard you were picking cute guys.
- I want in.
- Well, hello there.
Hi.
We're picking players for our fantasy football teams.
We get points based on how they perform in their real games.
And whoever's fantasy team gets the most points wins that awesome trophy.
Ugh, this trophy's pathetic.
I wouldn't use this cup to throw a drink at my Butler.
And why does it say "Marion moseby, - hotel manager of the year?" - Because we haven't scratched it out yet.
If you let me in the league, I'll donate a solid-gold trophy big enough to take a bath in.
Welcome to the league! Oooh oooh, I'll take this guy Kurt Warner.
I like his spiky hair.
Dang it! Kirby: Who wants to play some footbaaaaall?! Me! Let's go, Kirby! It's not Kirby, it's coach Morris.
You need to show me some respect.
That'll be hard to do with you in those shorts.
Drop and give me - But the floor is filthy.
- Drop! ( Groaning ) Son, why are you uneven? My right arm is stronger.
I use it to focus my microscope.
We obviously need to start with some conditioning.
Already did it-- this morning, after I shampooed.
I'm not talking about your hair, although that does explain the lack of split ends.
Just get-- just run to that cone and back! Boy, this ain't no picnic! This is football! Run! Run! Run! Move! Now through the floaty rings! You almost popped Mr.
quackers.
You all right, buddy? I know.
I know.
- ( Game on tv ) - No no, don't pass! Just hand it to Adrian Peterson! My team needs the yards! - ( Tone chimes ) - Woody: Yes! - Did one of your Woody's woodpeckers just score? - No.
I finally got my 10th friend on facespaceonline! - ( Chimes ) - What? Nine? Dang it! - ( Chimes ) - Eight?! Mom! Oh, Reggie bush touchdown! That's my boy! Retainer babies number one! Just like my single.
In your face, anemones! Wait, do anemones have faces? Easy there, future "surreal life" cast member.
Go sparklies! ( Cheering ) London, where'd you get all these cheerleaders? I keep them around for when I get depressed.
Don't you? No, but I should.
And wait till you see the trophy we're playing for! ( Cheering ) And it's worth more than all of you will make in your lifetimes Combined! Wow, I could sell this thing and start my own record company.
And I can buy a house for each of those cheerleaders.
And I can make the world's biggest root-beer float.
See? You gotta know what the ladies like.
( Groans ) Uh, two questions: Do I really have to wear your old equipment? Yup.
It's all we got.
And did you ever wash any of this? Nope.
It's bad luck.
Yours or mine? All right, now it's time for the best part about football.
The halftime show? I love it when the band spells stuff out.
No, the hitting! Time to release all that pent-up aggression.
But that's what my diary is for.
Hey, boy, there are no diaries in football.
Okay, this is a tackling dummy.
Keep your hips square, your head up and hit it as hard as you can and knock it over.
( Growls ) Oww.
- Wahhhh! - Whoa, bubba.
Hmmm-mmm! This is a rental.
Didn't I say no football on the deck? You can call this a lot of things, but so far it ain't football.
Mr.
moseby, do you know what it's like to be excluded by your peers just because you're not Athletically inclined? Do I! It was the fall of '79.
The economy was depressed, but not as depressed as a young Marion moseby, who was shunned once again for not making the team.
- You played football? - No! Badminton.
I trained for months, but when the moment came, I took a shuttlecock to the eye.
Coach Melissa said I put the "bad" in "badminton.
" So now do you know why I'm doing this? ( Tearfully ) Yes, I do.
Show them, Cody.
Show them for all of us who were picked last Or who were dangled from the showerhead by our underpants! You might want to wash that.
I can't believe I work for him.
So now let's see if you can catch a ball.
Maybe you could be a wide receiver.
- Can't I just be a kicker? - If you want to be a kicker then join the rockettes.
Now this is pretty simple.
Here, watch me.
Catch.
Tuck.
Toss.
Turn.
Catch.
Tuck.
Toss.
Turn.
Got it? Yeah - ( Grunts ) - Turn! That's not what I meant by tuck.
That's it! This is pointless.
I'm never going to be one of the guys! I quit! It's a shame, 'cause that was a perfect spike.
How is it possible that London is winning? She picked her wide receiver because "his eyes are dreamy.
" Well, she's not wrong, but still, that's not how you should pick! She has Kurt Warner at quarterback.
He's got more touchdowns than you got stains on your shirt.
Wow.
Hey, losers.
So since I'm winning by so much, I've decided this Sunday everyone has to dress up as their team mascot.
- Oh, no way.
- Absolutely not.
- Forget it.
- No costumes, no solid-gold trophy.
All: We're in.
Wow, that was easy.
I thought I was gonna have to bribe you guys.
- Oh well.
- London, wait-- y-you know, I'm just gonna Go ask Cody what an anemone looks like.
- London? - Hmmm? What if I said I can make your team better? Better looking? - Yes.
- ( Gasps ) - How about you give me Kurt Warner-- - uh-huh? And I'll trade you Brad pitt.
Gasp! Brad pitt is gorgeous.
I want him! Gimme gimme gimme! - I don't actually have him on me.
- ( Sighs ) Because I hid him somewhere on the sky deck.
Go look! Aw, sweet.
Like taking Warner from a baby.
- ( Knocks ) - ( Moans ) Come in.
- ( Whimpers ) - Cody? Under here.
Boy, that's a lot of ice.
People could have a capade on you.
I only covered up the parts that hurt.
( Moaning and groaning ) What's up, coach Morris? I'm not wearing my coach's hat, I'm wearing my Kirby hat.
Actually, I'm not wearing any hat at all.
I got a big head and it's hard to find one that fits.
Look, Kirby, I really appreciate your help, but I'm just giving up on being one of the guys.
( Groans ) Being one of the girls ain't an option.
Cody, if football taught me anything, it was to never give up.
Well, that and, no matter how appetizing it may look after practice, the human body cannot digest a mouthpiece.
But you saw me out there.
All I did was hurt myself.
I even got heartburn from the sports drink.
- That was water.
- Probably unfiltered.
But either way, I'm settling my stomach with a sodium bicarbonate solution to level off my ph balance.
Wow, you sure love science.
That's it! I'll use science to teach you football.
- Do you really think that will work? - Absolutely! My coach motivated me by using something I love.
He said, "Kirby, picture the quarterback as a double bacon cheeseburger with extra barbecue sauce.
" The very next play, I sacked the quarterback.
Although I did get a 15-yard penalty for taking a bite out of his leg.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh! Hey, Arizona is about to score.
Woody, change the channel.
No problem.
With your hands, birdbrain.
Oh.
Where is London anyway? I'm only wearing this to make her happy, although women do keep tickling me.
Gootchy gootchy gootchy.
Here I am! Go sparklies! ( Cheering ) So how's Brad pitt doing? Uh Pretty good, I think.
I mean, he's with Angelina jolie.
( Snickers ) No, in the game.
He's my starting quarterback.
I traded Zack Kurt Warner for him.
Go Brad pitt! ( Cheerleaders cheer ) You tricked London into giving you Kurt Warner? - Woody: How could you? - It wasn't hard.
Look, she can't even crack open a peanut.
Open! Open! Open! I command you! - That's it, I'm voiding the trade.
- You can't do that, diaper boy.
Call me diaper boy again and I'll twist you into a balloon animal.
Oooh ooooh, I'm so scared.
What you gonna do, hit me with your widdle wattle? You know what? I will! - ( Arguing ) - Guys, come on.
- It's just a game.
- A game with a solid-gold trophy! Which I'm going to win, and you can shine with your baby wipes! - ( Growling ) - ( Cheering ) Ow, Woody, get your beak out of my armpit! Ow, Marcus, your diaper pin is scratching my anemone! - ( Shrieks ) - Look look, a fight! ( Cheering ) F-I Fight fight fight! ( Cheering ) Everything's gone dark.
Am I dead?! What on earth is going on here?! Isn't it obvious? We're playing a friendly game of fantasy football.
Am I heading towards the elevator? I'm so conflicted right now! And remember, as the laws of physics dictate, deliver your concentrated torque below the center of mass.
Oooh, newtonian mechanics.
Sweet! Pretend this is the bully who just stole your lunchbox.
That is my fruit roll, Zack! Die-eeeee! You're an angry little guy, aren't you? I think I just swallowed my whistle.
( Whistling coughs ) Now you need to be gentle when catching the ball.
Oh, do you mean apply negative force to absorb the ball's kinetic energy? I don't know.
I fell asleep on page three of this book.
Okay.
Catch.
Tuck.
Toss.
Turn.
Catch.
Tuck.
Toss.
Turn.
Catch.
Tuck.
Toss.
Turn.
( Cheers ) - Good job, Cody! - Thanks, coach.
Didn't you just feel that? Feel what? Wow.
Here's your smoothie.
- Did you spit in it? - Maybe.
Woody.
What are you doing still wearing that? I found out I paid for an entire week.
And I'm getting my money's worth.
Ooh, a smoothie.
Great news, guys.
I picked up a new quarterback.
Let me guess, Orlando bloom? Nope, Ben roethlisberger.
He's got a good matchup against a depleted lions secondary.
Their bend-don't-break cover 2 scheme usually leaves the middle of the field wide open.
Just last week you thought the New York giants were actual giants.
I realized you guys were right.
I didn't know much about football.
So I hired some former grocery-store bagger to help me out.
Huh? Former grocery-store bagger and two-time NFL mvp.
- Kurt Warner?! - How did you get here? In a pink helicopter.
Please don't tell my teammates.
I'm so proud of you, Cody.
You've been holding onto that ball for two days straight.
Yup, even in the shower.
You know, it makes a surprisingly good loofah.
- Kirby? - Kurt? - Hey, what's going on, man? - How's it going, buddy? - I'm good.
- Kirby, you know Kurt Warner? We were buddies when we played in the arena league.
Got off to a bit of a rough start when he bit my leg.
I spit it out.
Kurt, I'd like you to meet Cody.
I've been coaching him.
- Hey, Cody, how you doing? - Hello, Mr.
Warner.
I'm not too familiar with your work, but, judging from your shirt's grade of cotton, - you must be quite successful.
- Thanks.
- It's Egyptian.
- Yes, it is.
What do you say we check out if Kirby's as good a coach as he was a player? He'd have to be a miracle worker to teach Cody football.
He thinks "touchdown" is something you do when shopping for a duvet.
Come on, give your brother a chance.
What do you say? Give me a post route.
( Dramatic music playing ) Set hut! You know, Cody, I never thought I'd say this but nice catch, man! - Thanks, Zack.
- What do you say we play a little game? Q.
B.
I called it! Woodpecker, why don't you run a fly route? - Marcus: I'll cover him! - I'll snap it.
And I'll calculate the angle and velocity in order to impede his forward motion.
I'll rush.
Red-13, set hut! ( Screams ) Yes, I sacked Kurt Warner! - Ah, my leg! - Ah, my quarterback! Kurt, Kurt, please, get up! Walk it off! The anemones need you! Good thing you've got that grocery-bagging thing to fall back on.
Hey, guys! Just wanted to let you know I'm dropping out of our fantasy football league.
Awesome, that means one of us gets the trophy! Oh, not my trophy.
I sold that thing to buy a real football team.
- You did? Which one? - The Arizona cardinals.
Oh-- or should I say the Arizona sparklies! London, we've really got to talk about these uniforms.
You're right They need more sparkles! ( Whines ) No, the raiders will make fun of us! Wait till the team sees the skorts we have for away games.
Trust me, you don't want to see a lineman in a skort.