True Jackson, VP (2008) s02e20 Episode Script

True Jackson, VP was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Staff meeting in 30 seconds.
She's on seven.
Roger that.
She's on 11.
All clear.
Any moment now.
All systems go.
Go, go, go, go.
Why aren't you going? It takes a minute to warm up.
Maybe I should just walk.
No, no.
We're really about to start cooking.
Oh, yeah, you feel that? Whoooo.
Whoooo, whoooo, whoooo, whoooo, whoooo.
Sorry, I'm late.
We had a mouse in the attic, and my dad had to spend the night pretending to be a pack of cats.
He was all meow.
You better get outta our house, meow.
Would you believe we've never had a rodent problem here in the office? But, just in case, I always have maintenance put down a few traps.
Kopelman, what's that racket? This is a meeting, now get out.
As you all know, tomorrow is the fifth of prankuary, and this year, I expect you all to act accordingly.
I'm sorry, the fifth of what? The fifth of prankuary.
You know, the dutch holiday where everyone plays pranks on each other.
Like April fools day.
April fools day, what's that? Never mind.
Oh, and one more thing.
Don't bother trying to prank me because I am unprankable, or as dutch say, oon-prahnken-shtoople.
Great news.
I'm going on a date th kelsey.
Does kelsey know? She does.
In fact, she asked me.
We're going to see a concert in new Jersey.
How are you gonna get there? I got it all worked out.
I made a deal with my folks.
I get the car on the weekends, and all I have to do is get a b in history.
Have fun taking the bus to new Jersey.
What is that supposed to mean? Last semester you thought that the declaration of independence was written by Nicolas cage.
Well, now, I know that Thomas Jefferson wrote it over a 17-day period in the spring of 1776.
If Nicolas cage wrote it, he'd be over 200 years old.
That would make him the oldest person on earth.
Hello, children.
Second oldest.
You need something, Amanda? Yes, yes, I was just wondering if by any chance you had any Ha, pranked you.
Okay, what just happened? Mr.
Madigan's having a prank contest.
A prank contest? Are you kidding? More like a prank no contest because nothing is gonna stop me from winning.
How about the fact that you don't work here? I sort of work here.
Did someone sort of hire you? Well, I wasn't not hired, if that's what you're asking.
So what are we gonna do about prank day? I hate to say it, but Amanda knocking the sandwich out of Ryan's hand is the one to beat.
If we want to win, we have to aim high.
We have to prank Mr.
Madigan.
I don't know about that.
He said he's oon-prahnken-shtoople.
It's dutch.
I know what we could do.
We could call him a bunch of times and ask for Dave.
Then we hire a guy to run into his office with an ax and yell, "I'm Dave, any messages?" And then chop his desk into smithereens.
Where are we gonna find a guy with an ax? There's a prison for the criminally insane downtown.
Great cafeteria.
Open to the public.
Probably shouldn't be.
Well, whatever we do, we need to keep it a secret.
If Mr.
Madigan finds out we're gonna prank him, he'll just prank us right back.
How right you are.
Mr.
Madigan.
How long have you been hiding there? Long enough to hear every word you said and eat four bags of this popcorn, which I suspect you don't change too often.
I'm starting to think this pranking thing isn't such a good idea.
Then you will be my first victim.
But Mr.
Madigan and you're second.
Third.
Fourth.
Hello.
It's for you, Ryan.
It's kelsey.
I'll take it at my desk.
You don't have a desk.
I don't not have a desk.
At the risk of being fifth, sihth and seventh, what if we don't have time for pranks? I'm sorry.
It's not optional.
Anyone who doesn't participate will be transferred to our branch in Russia.
You can do that? Ask kopelman.
He spent last winter in Minsk.
Average temperature, 30 below.
Half his teeth fell out of his head.
Whoa, I don't think I'd like that.
I get cold when someone turns on a fan.
Yes.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to laugh diabolically and back out of the room.
From my head to my toes it's all real and you know fresh and cool it's just what I do t-r-u-e j-a-c-k-s-o-n v-p working at a grown-up job I never really knew I could work this hard used to sit at home and watch tv now I'm in an office as the new vp I'm always setting trends with my two best friends when things get out of hand we have a plan we just messin' around and we making new ground for the whole wide world to see if you see us in town you know it's going down 'cause I'm the new vp True, be careful.
Of what? It's prank day, remember? What if Mr.
Madigan filled your locker with cow poop? Lulu, he's not coming to our school to do pranks.
How do you know? You've never been to holland.
You don't know how it works.
Whatever it is, knowing Mr.
Madigan, it'll be big.
I just hope it's nothing that combines the two things in the world I'm most afraid of.
Singing in public and werewolves? Uh-huh.
Ladies, ladies, the key to practical jokes isn't fear, it's confusion.
I once took a picture of my dad sleeping, slid it inside an orange and put it in his briefcase.
It drove him crazy for a year.
He lost his job and everything.
It was hilarious.
Good one, Ryan.
All right, settle down, everyone.
You heard the bell.
Where's Ms.
park? She's sick.
They said we're getting a substitute.
Maybe it will be a no-nonsense former green beret who'll whip this place into shape.
Isn't that the plot of the new Frank woo movie? Sergeant teacher.
Drop and read me 20.
Well, whoever it is, we should make them feel welcome.
Good morning, chums, I'm Mr.
Maffigan.
Mr.
maffigan, does he look like you've gotta be kidding me.
What's Mr.
Madigan doing here? He's pranking us.
Now, quiet down, polliwogs, we've got a lot on our schedule.
Do you have a question, young lady? Yes, Mr.
maffigan.
I was wondering if you could tell us a little bit about yourself.
Well, I grew up in frootsbury, england, on a dairy farm with me and mom and dad and a milking cow named Sarah Jane.
I'm pretty good at geography, and I've never heard of frootsbury.
Oh, it's just outside of chesterbrook, on the north peak of winterpiffle.
Let me take care of this.
Say, Mr.
Maffigan, do you like soccer? Yes, but where I come from, we call it football.
Dang, he's right.
And we call the elevator the lift, and cats are whisker-blies.
Now I'd love to answer all your questions, but I've got some for you in the form of a pop quiz.
Oh.
Oh, come on now, don't be a bunch of half-baxters.
It's just a little quiz.
And it will only be worth 70% of your overall grade for the year.
Ohhh.
Hey, quiet down everybody.
You're being disrespectful.
Hey.
Pranked you.
You what? Pranked you.
It's the fifth of prankuary.
What is that, some dutch pranking holiday? Yes.
It's one of Max's favorites.
Here, sign this.
What is it? It States for the record that you've been pranked and releases me from all damages incurred by id prank.
Fine.
Thank you.
Is this gonna be going on all day? Until I win the contest.
I didn't know it was contest.
Yes, and the winner gets some sort of amazing surprise.
I'm guessing it's a spa vacation.
You in on this thing too? Not really.
I poured some oil on the floor, but then I felt guilty and cleaned it up.
I must have missed a spot.
This test is really hard.
I think he's gone crazy.
What if it's not Mr.
Madigan? Of course it's Mr.
Madigan.
Wait, I know how to tell for sure.
He's got a bandage on his neck.
He does? Yeah.
He said he and miss aidem were playing darts and she rifled one into the back of his head.
You know what I'm thinking? What do you think you're doing? Nothing? We couldn't help but notice the bandage on your neck.
Care to explain? If you must know, I cut myself shaving.
Your neck? I happen to have a thick neck beard.
Now, penls down, everyone.
My two volunteers here will be picking up everyone's examination booklets.
Neck beard? That's gotta be the dumbest excuse I've ever heard.
Yeah, he's not so smart for a super smart guy.
When you're done collecting everyone's book, you can take them to the principal's office.
Okay.
Okay.
I don't get it.
I mean, it's funny he's pretending to be our teacher, but what's the prank? Maybe he thinks we'll walk into principal ruckman's office with all these fake tests and get yelled at.
That's probably it.
Give me those tests, Lulu.
Jackson from downtown.
Nothing but can.
True, Lulu.
Hey, Ryan.
Bad news.
I was just in principal ruckman's office What were you doing there? Discussing fine art.
Fine, don't tell us.
No, really.
Turns out he's a fan of my favorite graphic novel, "dragon-bot and the nephew of fire.
" It's the same basic plot as "ktath, gomaq of the cliff people" Ryan, Ryan! What's the bad news? His secretary came in and they were freaking out about those exams not being delivered.
Really? That's weird.
But you guys brought them, right? Of course not.
We weren't gonna get pranked by fake Mr.
Madigan.
Hello, true, Lulu, laserbeam.
What an amazing coincidence to see you here today.
It's no coincidence.
My wife is your school librarian.
I'm here to take her to lunch.
How's your cafeteria? It's okay, but if you want a great meal, have you tried the prison for the criminally insane? Oh, yes.
I had a wonderful lamb chop there.
Hard to get past all the screaming, though.
We're on to you, Mr.
Madigan.
On to me? Don't play innocent.
You were in there changing out of your disguise, weren't you? No.
I was washing my hands.
I'd do it back at the office, but someone filled the soap dispensers with mayonnaise.
And that someone was me.
You can't fool us.
We're supposed to believe that Mr.
Maffigan is real? I'd love to help you out, but I haven't the slightest idea of what you're talking about.
Well, I'll bet you $10,000 that you do.
Hah.
Cheerio, pupils.
I take it back! We didn't shake on it.
Now there's goes a handsome man for you.
Impressive neck beard.
Shouldn't keep Doris waiting.
There's only one thing I wanna know.
What is it? What time do they pick up the garbage? Oh, no.
Are they in there? I can't believe we were wrong about Mr.
Maffigan.
How can two people look so identical? The closest I've ever seen is Mikey J.
And Johnny depp.
The actor? Oh, good.
Ryan's here.
I talked to the janitor and he said all the trash got picked up by the truck an hour ago.
What are we gonna do? We have to do something.
He said that test was worth 70% of our grade.
This is not good.
This is very much the opposite of good.
Well, I guess we'll just have to go to the dump and get them back.
You're expecting me to dig through trash? I just got my nails done.
I'm sure you're picturing something super gross, but it's not gonna be that bad.
This is the grossest place I've ever been.
It's not that bad.
I think every piece of trash here has a story.
He's right.
Like those little shoes, a baby took her first steps in those.
And that stuffed raccoon was probably some kid's favorite toy.
It's not a stuffed raccoon.
I'll be in the cab.
We can't leave.
If we don't get those quizzes, our whole class is going to fail.
And if our whole class fails, I fail.
Do you know what that means? It's a normal school day? No.
It means I don't get my parents' car.
And if I don't get their car I don't go on a car date with kelsey.
Do you know what that means? It's a normal school night? It means everything I've worked towards is out the window.
So we're not going anywhere until we find those exams! Ryan! Are you okay? I'm really gonna miss him.
Yeah.
He was the best.
Oh, I found them.
That may be the most disgusting sensation I've ever experienced, beating the time my grandfather sneezed on me so hard he threw up.
Jimmy, that pizza you ordered is here.
Oh, thanks.
Don't you wanna look at it? Look at it? Oh, you look at it.
Hi, welcome to my cab.
I'm Joey Dee, I'll be your driver today.
Okay.
Where are you kids headed? P.
S.
1211/2.
Do you know where it is? Nope.
But don't worry, I've got this fancy global map program.
Or we could tell you where it is.
No, no, no, don't bother.
This baby's got it all.
There we go.
It's in roanoke, Virginia.
No, it's not! It's on 34th street.
Never heard of it.
You've never heard of 34th street.
Where are you from? Born and raised right here in the city, grew up on 35th street.
That's a block away.
Just go there and we'll walk.
We're sort of in a rush.
You know what? I am reading you loud and clear.
Second stop, p.
S.
1211/2.
I'm sorry, did you say second stop? Yeah.
I hope it's not a problem.
I need to swing by Johnny toast.
It's my anniversary.
I'm getting the wife a toaster.
Mr.
nice cab driver, if we don't get these tests back to our school immediately, our whole class could fail.
That's rough.
You know, I promise to make it fast.
There's a Johnny toast on the way In little compton, Rhode island.
Hey! I got you, Oscar.
Consider yourself pranked.
Hey.
Where's my cart? Where is this guy? I know.
How long a line could there be at a Johnny toast? Doesn't everybody already have a toaster? Boy, is my wife gonna be happy.
She loves toast.
Ever since we had it on our honeymoon in Hawaii.
That's awesome.
Can we go now? Absolutely.
And you know what? You kids have been so patient, no charge for the ride.
Thanks.
You got it.
Next stop, p.
S.
1211/2.
Joey Dee Yeah.
I almost hate to mention it.
What's up? The toaster you bought appears to be a blender.
Son of a goose.
What was I thinking? That your wife sure would like a blender? No.
This will only take a minute.
Nice going, Ryan.
Me? I'm not the dope who threw away the tests to begin with.
So what, this is my fault now? It was always your fault.
Look, I don't wanna overstate it, but you've ruined my life.
Calm down, Ryan.
There's plenty of time to point the finger at true later.
Look, it's no big deal.
We'll get the tests back to principal ruckman before he goes home for the day and everything is taken care of.
Yeah.
That would be a little more comforting if we weren't sitting in the back of a cab in Rhode island.
Good news.
Here he comes now with a fancy new toaster That he dropped.
Son of a goose.
Whoa.
Whoa, where do we think we're going? Not now, Kyle.
We have to get these to principal ruckman before he goes home for the day.
Uh-huh, let's see your hall pass.
We don't have a hall pass, it's after hours.
Then you need an after hours hall pass.
No, we don't.
Oh, I'm sorry, are you the hall monitor? Oh, no, that's right, I am.
Look, Kyle.
This is really important.
Are you gonna take a swing at me? I feel like you were about to take a swing at me.
What? No.
There it is again.
I'm three seconds away from blowing this whistle.
That's your threat, blowing a whistle? What's that gonna do? Okay, what's our plan? Turn and run? Sounds good.
This day could not get any worse.
Oh, come on.
I almost forgot out prank day.
Like, I'm really in the mood for this.
Where have you guys been? Digging through the dump for the last two hours.
You didn't happen see my baby shoes there, did you? Nah, just some girly ones with strawberries on the side.
What's girly about strawberries? Anyway, how's everything going here? It's weird.
Everyone's pranking everyone.
Somebody put a strobe light in the refrigerator.
Kopelman's office is full of crickets.
And if hibbert offers you popcorn, don't reach in the box.
I can't believe I missed prank day.
You think it's too late to do something? Please make your way to the conference room.
That answer your question? First of all, congratulations to everyone who participated in this year's event.
Kopelman, what is that sound? Mr.
Madigan, who won the contest? Excellent question, true.
Would you care to take a guess? Me? Me? No.
It was me.
You? I performed 57 documented pranks today.
I may not have attempted that many, but I pulled off one doozy.
And, as with all great pranks, I couldn't do it alone.
Allow me to present my accomplices.
What the You were behind it all, Mr.
Madigan? Indeed.
I can't believe it.
Where'd you find a guy who looks so much like you? Mr.
maffigan is a local actor who's so dedicated to his craft he was willing to undergo massive reconstructive surgery.
I'm also available for commercials.
Wow.
You really got us good, Mr.
Madigan.
I don't get something.
In order for your plot to work, you had to know miss park was gonna be sick.
If you're accusing me of poisoning miss park, I deny it.
Then where is she? No more questions.
And now, I officially call an end to this year's holiday festivities.
I'm happy to report that I remain oon-prahnken-shtoople.
Until next year, people.
Well, that looks good.
Is that me sleeping? Well, that's unsettling.
It's a ggg-ggg-ggg-ghoul.
Ryan, are you watching "hong Kong spooky"? Worst movie ever.
I've seen it 42 times.
Has this ever happened to you? I can't carry all my things.
Hey, that's Mr.
Maffigan.
Somebody help me.
And that somebody is the amazing incredibag.
It's a bag.
Amazing.
It's all in here.
That's right.
Incredibag carries it all.
How much would you expect to pay for something like this? I don't know.
A miion dollars? Try $6.
$6? Okay, four.
And if you act now, we'll throw in a miniaturized incredibag, free of charge.
Thank you, incredibag.
I gotta get me one of those.
Hey, shouldn't you be leaving for your car date with kelsey? Nah.
Turns out her family's dutch and it was just a prank when she asked me out.
This has been one weird day.
I can't believe Mr.
Madigan went to all that trouble to pull his prank on us.
I can't believe he poisoned miss park.
Hey, where's Jimmy? Honestly, he could be anywhere now.
What's that supposed to mean? I got caught up in the spirit of prank day and I made a slight modification to his mail cart.
What kind of modification?