According To Jim s02e21 Episode Script

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! Hi, Daddy.
Hey, baby.
What have you and Gracie been doing? Nothing.
Playing story.
Oh, yeah? You girls are being so good.
Mommy's gonna be so proud of you.
Thank you.
Come on, Ruby.
The forest fairies are coming back with the Blueberry King.
Love you.
CHERYL: Hello! Hey, hey, hey! Hey! How was the dentist? Fine.
Great.
No problem.
She tried to bite him.
Cheryl, you've got to get over this phobia with the dentist.
You're one to talk.
You are terrified of spiders.
Yeah, that's different.
Dentists can't hide in your shoes.
Yeah, well, I'm just glad it's over.
Uh, no, it's not, Cheryl.
You still Dana! Ix-nay on the oot canal-ray.
Oh, wait a minute.
(MOUTHING) You gotta have a root canal? Yeah.
But I'm not gonna do it.
And I don't care if all my teeth fall out.
Oh, come on, Cheryl, if that happened, people would be saying, "What's he doing with her?" That would just throw things off! Come on, Cheryl.
The dentist said he'd put you under.
I know, but (CLICKING TONGUE) Come here.
Come on.
Come here.
Sit down.
Listen.
This time, I'll go with you.
You will? Yeah.
Will you hold my hand? I will hold your hand the whole time.
And you know what? I'll have Andy drive us so I can hug you all the way home.
Oh, honey! That is so sweet.
JIM: Baby Yeah.
You can count on me.
Oh! Look, Mommy, it's the Blueberry King.
Well, I'm gonna leave them in your capable hands.
What if Dr.
Inglove screws up and accidentally leaves something in my mouth? I hope it's a DVD player.
What? Just trying to lighten things up a little.
Oh! Plus I broke the DVD player.
Jim! You ready, Cheryl? No, no.
You know what? No.
No.
I I'm not.
I gotta go.
There's something wrong at home.
I just know it! Cheryl.
Cheryl.
You're not a mother! You don't know! All right, now! Knock her out now.
Knock her out now.
Do it now! Do it now! Baby, hold my hand the whole time! Hold my hand the whole time! I will, honey.
I'll hold your hand the whole time.
I promise.
Now, just relax.
Okay.
Relax.
Okay.
There you go.
Okay.
It's not working.
No, no.
No, it's not working.
Give it a chance, Cheryl No, I think it's (GASPS) Oh, baby! Okay.
She's sleeping now.
Jim! You're never gonna believe this.
I was in the pharmacy buying pork rinds and a home cholesterol test, and guess who I ran into? None other than the great Bo Diddley! Bo Diddley? You're serious! Yeah, yeah, I talked to him.
Told him we had a blues band.
You did not! Yeah.
Hey, he's waiting for his daughter downstairs.
You wanna meet him? Meet him? I wanna have his babies! Hey, Doc, hit me with some mouthwash.
Mmm.
Oh.
Eh (GROWLING) (SIGHING) I promised Cheryl I'd stay with her.
Aw! If only you'd put in a clause about running into famous blues legends.
You don't think about those things.
Hey, wait a minute.
Technically, I don't have to be here, because she's out, right? And the world we live in doesn't exist to her right now.
For all you know, in her world she's getting nasty with Russell Crowe.
And she's using my hand.
Hey, Doc.
How long is she gonna be out? Two hours.
Cheryl? Cheryl? (VIBRATING LIPS LOUDLY) I peed in the bushes.
Your thighs look really fat today.
Oh, yeah.
She's out.
Let's go.
JIM: Oh, wow.
Cool.
Excuse me, Mr.
Diddley, uh, Bo.
Yo, what's up, Slim? He's named me.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Oh, this is Jim.
He's the harp player in my band.
Your band? I don't ask for much.
Just give me this.
All right, all right.
It's not his band, it's mine.
Wow.
What happened there? (EXCLAIMS) Ingrown toenail.
And the pain is ugly, man.
You gonna write a song about it? Now, why should I do that, huh? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Bo's listening.
What's up? (STAMMERING) Don't worry about it, baby girl.
Uh, Bo'll get a taxi.
Bye.
Everything all right? No.
Baby girl's kids got sick today at school.
And she can't pick me up.
Would you guys flag Bo a taxi? Where does Bo live? About 10 minutes from here.
Ten minutes? I mean, that's That's nothing.
You don't have to take a taxi.
We'll give you a ride.
Oh, you'd do that for me, Harp Player Jim? Oh, he just named me.
Harp Player Jim.
What, what do you mean? What about Cheryl? Please, Cheryl.
Come on, she's up there sharing a cigarette with Russell Crowe right now.
Look, it's 20 minutes.
She'll be out for another hour and half.
Come on, Mr.
Diddley.
Let's go.
Oh, man.
I've been a big fan Andy! Andy! Where you going? Oh, I'll meet you out front.
I'm gonna exchange this cholesterol test for more pork rinds.
Okay.
You know, my band is a really great band.
I'm the harp player, of course, and I'm the singer.
I have all kinds of (SCREAMING) Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, man, let me get this.
Let me get that for you.
That was a pretty good lunch there, Slim.
Sorry it took me three times to melt the cheese the way you like it.
Bo don't like the bubbles.
All right.
Your fish are fed.
Plants are watered.
Your laundry is in the dryer, Mr.
Diddley.
You didn't put my undies in there, did you? No, no, no.
I hung them over the shower rod like you asked me.
So, sorry, but we got to get going.
Well, I guess the dishes can wait till morning.
Bo does have a problem with ants.
Okay.
Oh, great.
Cheryl's still under.
Wow.
Bo sure can talk, huh? What did I tell you? No matter what it says on a bumper sticker, don't ask about their grandkids.
Sorry.
That Lamont sounds like a real pistol.
Oh, Cheryl.
I'm here for you.
How long were we gone? Uh, Doc, where's Cheryl? Oh, she's in the other office recovering.
And don't worry, she's gonna be fine Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Was she awake? No.
But she should be coming out of it just about now.
Cheryl.
Cheryl.
(GROANING) (MUFFLED) Is it a boy, Jim? If it's a boy, we can stop.
No.
Honey, you had a root canal, and the doctor said it went great.
I had a root canal and a baby? You just had dental surgery.
Oh! Oh, yeah, honey.
And I never could have done it if you weren't with me the whole time.
That's because I was with you the whole time.
Yeah.
I could feel you.
And I could feel you feeling me.
It's like we're one person.
Well, honey, that's what it feels like when you marry the perfect guy.
Good job, honey.
Honey, would you hand me that water? I'm really thirsty.
Here you go, baby.
(SIGHS) Cheryl, you're a little numb.
Cheryl Oh, that really hit the spot.
So is your mouth still sore? It's not so bad.
You know what? I couldn't have done it without Jim.
He was really there for me.
Do you know he held my hand the entire time? (DOORBELL RINGING) Yeah.
Now I kind of feel bad about lying down in front of your wedding limo.
(LAUGHING) Oh! Thank you! Who's that from? Oh, I'm guessing a pretty terrific guy wishing me a speedy recovery.
Look at that! Huh! "Harp Player Jim.
" "Thanks for the ride home yesterday afternoon and doing my laundry.
"Bo Diddley.
"P.
S.
Tell Slim the tuna melt was Bo-licious.
" But yesterday afternoon Bo Diddley? Jim met Bo Diddley? Yeah, but, but how could he do that? He was with me Oh, my God! Jim abandoned you while you were unconscious! And he did laundry! Daddy's home.
Release the doves.
Oh, honey.
I'm so glad you're home.
I have a special treat for you.
Are you wearing it under there? No.
No.
What's that? Look at this, huh? Wow! Look at that! Look at that, chocolate truffles! Mmm-hmm.
Brie? Honey, if you really wanted to thank me a case of beer and some snow tires would have done the trick.
Oh, honey.
Read the note.
Oh! Girls with their cards! I know.
(CHUCKLING) (WHISPERS) Bo Diddley.
You know what, honey? I love you so much that when I'm through with this, I'm gonna give you the basket.
How could you leave me there alone? Oh, honey.
It was Bo Diddley, come on! You were completely out.
You didn't even know I was gone.
Yeah, but that doesn't matter! I need to know that I can count on you to follow through even if I'm not gonna find out.
Oh, come on.
Will you look at it from my position for a minute, all right? What if you had an opportunity to hang out with some famous housewife? Huh? Yeah.
Like who? Like, like, like, I don't know.
I can't help it if I'm your whole universe, honey.
Oh.
Oh, I'm just kidding, for crying out loud.
It's no big deal, all right? It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
It's never gonna happen again.
Like that time I made that beer milkshake.
I don't believe you.
Honey, you were there.
I was foaming from both ends.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
That's right.
I remember.
I remember.
And I was there for you.
The whole time, no matter how disgusting you got.
Because that is the kind of person I am.
Yes, you are like that.
Yes, and apparently, you're not that kind of person.
I am that kind of person.
Hmm.
Well, I guess time will tell.
What the hell's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
Ha.
You don't even know me! CHERYL: You're eating the chocolates, aren't you? No! All right, sweetie.
We're going to be back about 11:00.
Okay.
Mommy? Yeah.
Can we come to the movies with you and Aunt Dana? Uh, no, baby.
It's a grown-up movie.
Do they say bad words? Do they say, "Stupid"? Do they say, "Shut up"? Well Do they say S-E-X? Oh! No, sweetie, actually, it's just a movie where people talk about their feelings.
If nothing blows up, it ain't a movie.
Yes.
All right, my loves.
Be good.
Oh, and honey, when the kids go to sleep tonight Yes? Can you stay here? (DANA GIGGLING) Oh, I'm sorry.
This came for you.
Love you.
Love you.
ANDY: Hey, Jim.
Yeah? I found out a way to make popcorn in man-sized portions.
The dryer.
Hey, hey, hey.
Check this out! Look at this! VIP tickets.
Backstage passes for Bo Diddley at the Kingston Mines tonight! How cool is that? Wow! From the man himself! Wow! Does it say anything about free food? This popcorn tastes a little linty.
Wait a minute.
I know what this is about.
(CHUCKLING) She is so obvious! What're you What're you talking about? She's setting me up.
Come on.
Out of the blue, she's going to the movies? And these tickets just happened to show up? Are you saying this is a setup? Yes, Andy.
That's what I said.
And I explained it.
I can't believe her.
She actually thinks I'm gonna ditch the kids to go to this thing so she can catch me "not being there for her.
" Yeah, but, what if Cheryl had nothing to do with these tickets? Maybe they really are from Bo.
I mean, you hand-washed the guy's underpants! Come on.
Come on.
We're talking about Cheryl here.
She got nothing to do all day but plot against me.
I'm not gonna fall for it.
(GRUNTING) You know, maybe, uh, maybe she doesn't spend all her time plotting.
I mean, this house is pretty clean.
All right.
Let's go! No.
Wait a minute.
This is a trap.
No, we're staying.
It's Bo Diddley! We're going! No! That's exactly what she wants me to think! We're staying.
We're going, aren't we? Yup.
let's go.
Oh! What about Maisy and Daisy here? (EXHALING FORCEFULLY) Oh, Marilyn.
Thank you for coming over.
What's the emergency? Oh, I have to get to the hospital ASTP.
What What's wrong? Well, it seems like Andy is He just keeps falling down! Oh, baby! Here it comes! Oh, my God! I know! What happened to him? I don't know.
Apparently, a beetle crawled into his ear! Oh! It's eating my brain! JIM: Look at him! Oh, look at that! (ANDY GRUNTING) Oh, Marilyn, I hate to do this to you, but can you watch the kids, please? Oh, yes.
Oh, I can hear it chewing! (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) Of course! Oh, thank you so much, Marilyn.
Go! Thank you so much.
Oh, Andy.
Now! Andy! Andy.
Oh, thank you so Oh, I just want to make sure I get a picture with me and the beetle.
I looked all through the club, Jim.
Even the ladies' room? Every stall.
You wouldn't believe the attitude I got in there.
Cheryl is definitely not here.
What's your game, blondie? What's your game? I gotta tell you.
I don't think there is a game.
I really think she went to the movies.
Huh.
Maybe you're right.
That's the game.
Trust.
She trusts me.
That's the game, see? And obviously, I'm untrustworthy, right? Uh-huh.
So, I win the game! (BOTH LAUGHING) Check and mate, my funky brother.
Are you ready for some blues and some booze? Drunk and sad? I'm there! All right! ANDY: What's the matter? I can't do it.
Cheryl trusts me too much.
Oh, what're you talking about? You're Jim, baby.
Huh? You do this kind of stuff all the time.
Yes, I do! Yeah! Release the hound! The animal is out of his cage! Uncage him.
Come on! Give me some! Come on, baby, come on! Is that all you got? Oh, I got more than that! Oh, I can't believe this.
I can totally get away with this.
But there's something inside me that's just stopping me! You mean guilt? I don't know what the medical term is.
I just I mean, I just can't do the wrong thing.
Come on, now.
No, it's I don't know what it is! Don't beat yourself up.
(SIGHING) You tried to do the wrong thing.
Thanks, Andy.
I'm gonnago home? Yeah.
Hey! You know, if you see Bo, tell him hi from Harp Player Jim.
If it comes up.
WOMAN: That's him! The weirdo from the ladies' room! (WOMEN SCREAMING) Oh, honey.
What a great movie.
Meryl Streep plays this deaf woman, and she can only speak in sign language and I've lost you already, haven't I? Cheryl, what're you doing to me here? What? You know that envelope you gave me? Yeah.
It had tickets in it to the Bo Diddley concert tonight at the Kingston Mines.
And you know what? What? I went.
You what? I went.
But you know what? I couldn't go in.
You know why? Because you trusted me! Wait a minute.
You took our children, our babies, into some smoky nightclub? Of course not! I dumped them on Marilyn Crannis.
Oh! You are unbelievable! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't make this about me.
This is about you, baby! What? How is this about me? Because you trusted me, and because I love you so much, I had no choice but to live up to it.
Damn it! All right.
So So, let me get this straight.
You went to do something wrong, you couldn't do it, so, now you're mad at me? Yeah.
Now, we're on the same page, finally.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for making you a better person.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, I hope you're happy, Cheryl.
You took this wild animal out of the jungle, put him in a cage, and make him perform little tricks in your suburban circus! (LAUGHING) What? That's not funny! Suburban circus? Yes! That's really funny.
Yeah, it's kind of funny, I guess.
Little bit, but (CONTINUES LAUGHING) What? Oh, I'm not 100% sure, but I think I might be a little bit proud of you.
Really? Yeah.
Why? Well, I mean, honey, you didn't completely do the wrong thing tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! What? I was half-wrong.
There's still hope for me.
Oh, honey.
Mommy! Mommy! We're afraid of the brain beetles.
They're gonna crawl in our ears.
What's that all about? That's the half of me that you'll never tame.
Yeah! Get the Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, get out of here.
Just go.
Go.
Go.
Go.